MODULE 6 TELEVISION TRANSCRIPTS unfortunately all vacancies in Brixham have gone. Valerie Why do you insist that we should go to Torquay?1 HOLIDAY TIME Agent Oh, was I insisting? Well, its because I always go there for my holidays.A LETS TAKE A HOLIDAY! Valerie I dont want to go to Torquay. Agent Good morning. Can I help you? Agent Have you ever been there? Valerie Yes, wed like to go on holiday. Valerie No. Agent Well, youve come to the right place! What kind Agent Well, you could just be lucky . . . Mind you, most of holiday are you interested in? places are fully booked at the moment. Valerie Were not sure. We’ve just decided that we want Bernard Ive never been to Torquay. We could go by train. to go on holiday. We need a break. Valerie No, Bernard. Hes mad. Agent Europe? The Far East? Or do you prefer America? Agent Oh, no, no, no, no, no! This is terrible! I cant The Seychelles or Torquay? believe it! Valerie Wed rather go to Spain. Bernard Whats the matter? Agent Spain? Why do you want to go to Spain? Agent Everything is booked up. Im sorry. Im so sorry. Valerie Because we like the sunshine and the people and Valerie Come on, Bernard. Were wasting our time. the language and the food ... Agent Just a minute. There might be one possibility here. Agent OK. OK. Fine. Youre the customer. Its your Yes! My, word! You are a lucky couple. holiday. Now what sort of holiday? Do you prefer Bernard Im sorry? beach holidays to activity holidays? Would you Agent Shangrila! How perfect! rather have a hotel or a self-catering apartment. Valerie What? Valerie We want a hotel by the beach. Agent Its a guest house in Torquay. Mrs Chambers - Agent I see. And how long do you want to go for? thats the landlady - has just had a cancellation forBernard A few days. next week. What good luck! Its bed and Valerie Ten days. breakfast. Its terrific value -just ten pounds a Valerie night per person. A week. Bernard Thats reasonable.Bernard Agent Perhaps it would be better to stay in England. In Agent A traditional English cooked breakfast. Cant you Torquay, in the west of England, it can be very smell the bacon and eggs and grilled tomatoes? sunny in July - up to thirty degrees. They say it Valerie I want more than a good breakfast. has reached thirty-three ... although I cant Agent Yes, of course you do. You want an ice-cream! guarantee it, of course. Bernard What facilities does Mrs Chambers guest house Valerie But we want to go to Spain. have? Agent You dont want to go to Spain by air. Not next Agent You would have your very own wash basin which week. There will be flight delays. At this time of would, of course. be en suite. In the residents year, the air traffic controllers all go on strike. lounge, there is a television with full colour. Heathrow is full of screaming children. Going on *** holiday abroad can be a nightmare. I wouldnt Agent Have a good time . Youll love it. Bye ... Mum? advise it. Guess what. I have a very nice couple coming to Valerie What kind of travel agent are you? stay with you next week. Mr and Mrs Wilson. Agent Im a friendly travel agent and I would advise Now, Mum, these are important customers ... Torquay.Bernard Torquay ... B SUNSHINE ALL THE WAY Agent Ah, Torquay! There are beautiful, sandy beaches, clean beaches! Very nice restaurants. One of the Street interviews best things about Torquay is ... Mrs Addison Oh, the weather was really marvellous. It *** was sunshine all the way, and we did enjoy Agent ... is that it is close to Brixham. it. Valerie So what? Lin On my last holiday, I went to New England Agent Fresh fish, thats what. Fresh fish every day, off in America, and it rained all the time. The the fishing boats. Do you like fresh fish? weather was really dreadful.Bernard Yes! David The weather on my last holiday was terrible. Agent Then go to Torquay. It rained every day. Valerie If all I wanted on holiday was fresh fish, I Sara The last holiday I had in fact was a couple of wouldnt go to Torquay, Id go to Brixham. weeks ago in Devon, which was rainy and Agent Youre right. The fish is fresher in Brixham ... but horrible. I wish I could have gone on a nice,
sunny beach. are ready for the beach. Melissa We went to a holiday camp; and the weather Mr Ackroyd Yes, we prefer the new Cromer windbreaker. was all right. Mrs Ackroyd Because, in Great Britain we have to be prepared for all types of weather.Dont make me laugh!Danny Thank you. Thank you very much. Do you like Street interviews travelling? My wife - she likes travelling. Shed Keith Id rather go on a touring holiday, because I rather travel than do anything else. So, when she dont like spending too much time in the sun- said she wanted to see the world.... shine. Man You bought her a map! Mrs Addison Id rather go on a touring holiday, I think.Danny Oh, youve heard that joke before. Never mind! Yes, Somewhere where we can see something I bought her a map. The old jokes are the best jokes. different, rather than just sunshine. When I go on holiday, I like to forget my worries, Marcella Id prefer to go on a sunshine holiday and do forget my problems - I like to forget everything. some sunbathing. Yes, but unfortunately, when I arrive at my hotel Frank Id prefer to go on a touring holiday where I and open my suitcase, I find that I have forgotten. can experience the culture of the country and everything. No? When I arrive at my hotel and open meet the people. my suitcase, I find that I have forgotten everything. Sara I prefer sunshine holidays. The English My wife prefers a cultural holiday to a beach weather is so bad. Its always raining, and its holiday. Oh, yes, shes very sophisticated ... Well, I really nice to go and lie on a nice, hot, sunny used to think she was very sophisticated. This year, I beach. asked her, Would you like a book for your birthday? No, thank you, she said. Why not? Song time The Costa Torquay Because Ive already got one. Oh, never mind. It can be windy on the Isle of Capri. Anyway, my wife and I decided to go to Venice this Its always busy and noisy in Paree. year for a cultural holiday. Yes, Venice. Have you We think its a bit too Italian in Rome. been there? To Venice? In Italy? Yes? You have? It Wed rather be somewhere closer to home ... isnt a bad place, is it? Its not very modern, but the Come to the Costa Torquay. ice-cream is excellent. While we were in Venice, the Its by the sea. weather was beautiful. It was sunny every day. But You can stroll arm in arm, we only stayed for a few days. Why? Because the In the shade of the palms, city was full of water! There was water everywhere. On the Costa Torquay. We had to travel everywhere by boat. It was very strange! My wife was sea-sick crossing the street. There are too many French in Calais. My wife was sea-sick, crossing the street. Oh, well, Jamaica is much too far away. please yourselves. Anyway, its time for a song. Its too cold in Sweden, its too hot in Spain. Music, maestro! No, we prefer Devon - you can get there by train. Come to the Costa Torquay.The ad spot I love B&B! Voiceover Here are the Ackroyds. Thats Mr Ackroyd. You can sing, you can dance, He looks tired, doesnt he? Hes worked very You can look for romance. hard in his office all year. And theres Mrs Its much nicer than France, Ackroyd. They need a good holiday. On the Costa Torquay. Mr Ackroyd A good holiday. Thats what we need - a good holiday. Voiceover Yes, relax. Thats it. Oh, what fun. DOCUMENTARYMrs Ackroyd Lets go to a beach - a lovely, sandy beach. Gary (VO): This is Dublin, the capital of Ireland. Voiceover Dont forget your chairs . . . And the sand- Sara (VO): And this is the Liffey, the river that flows wiches ... An~ the tea ... And the bucket and through Dublin and divides it into two: spade ... And the beach ball. the north and the south.Mrs Ackroyd And the sun cream? Gary (VO) Dublins modern Irish name, Baile Atha Mr Ackroyd Oh, you wont need sun cream. And you Cliath, is a reference to an old bridge over wont need those sunglasses. the Liffey, and it reflects the importanceMrs Ackroyd Now were ready to have fun. of the river for Dublin. Mr Ackroyd Maybe we ought to take an umbrella. Sara (VO) Unfortunately the Irish language in Voiceover No. You have forgotten something. The new Dublin is present in little more than car Cromer windbreaker. Thats it. The new plates or street signs. Cromer windbreaker - for the North-Sea Gary (VO) Across OConnell Bridge towards the winds. You wont get cold with the Cromer south is Trinity College, founded by windbreaker. Thats it. Two people can easily Elizabeth the First of England. carry the new Cromer windbreaker. Now you Sara (VO) Inside Trinity College is the beautiful Old
Library, with some of the oldest Irish food. He talks about food all the time. Hes manuscripts. passionate about it. He loves oysters. Gary (VO) Opposite Trinity College is the Bank of Valerie So do I. Ireland, originally built as the seat of the Rosie Yuk. Theyre disgusting. George would be so disap- Irish Parliament. pointed if he knew I couldnt cook. So I told him I Sara (VO) And nearby is Dublin Castle, the symbol was a brilliant cook. of English power in Ireland. The English Valerie Why did you lie? viceroys lived there for many centuries. Rosie To please him. Gary (VO) The English left many things in Ireland: Valerie Hes going to find out sooner or later. Rosie Hes going to find out next Friday. their language and their architecture. Valerie How? Sara (VO) Dublin is a city full of life, with over two Rosie Hes coming round to my place for a meal. thousand pubs where you can sing, dance Valerie Oh, no! and talk over a pint of Guinness, the fa- Yes. When I boasted about my cooking, he got very Rosie mous Irish dark beer. excited. He said he had to taste my speciality. Sara (VO) Its also very pleasant to go for a walk Valerie Whats your speciality? around the popular Moore Street Market. Rosie I dont have one. You know my favourite dish. Gary (VO) Dubliners are friendly people, always Valerie Sausages with mashed potatoes. ready to engage in conversation. Rosie Yes, and I cant give George sausages with mashed Street seller Anyone there for tobacco? Anyone there potato. Valerie, you have got to help me. for tobacco? Anyone there...? Valerie You have to tell George the truth.Interviewer (VO) Excuse me, where do you come from? Rosie Never! Valerie, youve got to help me, please. Street seller Dublin. Youve got to teach me to cook.Interviewer (VO) Dublin! Mmm. Would you recommend Valerie You can teach yourself. There are lots of good Spanish tourists to come to Ireland? cookery books. Street seller I would, certainly. ***Interviewer (VO) Why? Rosie What were you going to suggest, then? Street seller Because our part of it is friendly and its Valerie Why dont you cook for George at our house? I nice for tourists, and the country prefe- know a dish that will drive him wild. I got the rably for the scenery. recipe when I was on holiday in France.Interviewer (VO) So, what part of Ireland would you Rosie Im not going to cook snails or expensive French recommend to tourists? food! Street seller Killarney, Donegal, Wexford. Valerie No, dont worry. This dish doesnt cost very much, it tastes delicious and its easy to cook. But youllInterviewer (VO) Thats the country, is that right? need to buy the ingredients. Street seller Oh, theres lots of parts. Rosie Ok. Ill just get a pen and write them down. Gary (VO) Following her advice, we travelled to the Valerie You want two fillets of white fish. Ring of Kerry, an area in the southwest. Two fillets of white fish. What kind of white fish? Rosie Sara (VO) This part of Ireland, surrounded by high Valerie Fillets of cod will be fine. But you must make sure mountains, is unspoiled, with beautiful that the fish is fresh. lakes and rivers. The weather here is very Rosie Fresh fillets of cod. mild all year round, with temperatures Valerie Half a medium-sized onion. between 8 and 16 degrees Centigrade. Rosie Half a medium-sized onion. There are lots of routes you can take: on Valerie A hundred grams of flour. foot ... by bicycle ... by boat ... on horse- Rosie How much flour? back or in a horse-drawn carriage. Its not Valerie A hundred grams. surprising that the Ring of Kerry, with its Rosie Whats that in ounces? typical picturesque villages, attracts Valerie I dont know. Youll have to look it up. One thousands of tourists, who come to this teaspoonful of chilli sauce. part of Ireland looking for beautiful Rosie Hang on. Could you go a bit more slowly, please? scenery or a relaxing holiday. Valerie A hundred grams of chopped green peppers. George Hello, Valerie. Ive run out of basil, so Ive come to buy some.2 FOOD AND DIET Valerie You could have taken some from the garden. Weve got lots.A A TEASPOONFUL OF CHILLI George Hi, Rosie, what are you doing here? Rosie George wanted to know if I could cook. Rosie Im just buying the ingredients for Friday.Valerie Oh, dear. What did you say? George Im really looking forward to tasting your Rosie I told him I could cook. speciality.Valerie Why? Rosie Mmm! Youll love it! Rosie I didnt want to tell him the truth. George loves ***
Valerie Oh, when youre cooking the sauce, you must taste never mind. But my wife - I knew that she wasnt a it. It may need a pinch of salt or pepper ... food lover. She gave me a fork to eat the soup. A Rosie I mix the butter with the flour and put the five fork! She gave me a fork to eat the soup! I always teaspoons of chilli with the chopped tomatoes ... say to her, Darling, whats this on my plate? She four ... five ... and add the purée. says, Why do you want to know? I say, Because IGeorge Hello, Rosie. may have to describe it to my doctor later! Every Rosie George, you re early! time she cooks a new recipe, I get a newGeorge Im hungry. Im so excited about this meal. You prescription from my doctor. Yes, a new know, this morning I didnt have any breakfast. prescription from my doctor. But I love cooking. Rosie George, I dont want you to watch. Itll make me Yes, I do! All my family are good cooks. My Uncle nervous. Have a drink. Bert is a fanatical cook. He even puts salt andGeorge Of course. A good chef must have room to breathe. pepper on his toothpaste! He even puts salt and You must have space to create. pepper on his toothpaste! Thank you! Thank you! Rosie Add the bay leaf ... pour on the wine mixed with Youve been a wonderful audience! Thank you very water ... and add the chilli ... much.George You know, my last girlfriend didnt have any interest in food. Oh, and she hated oysters. Do you The ad spot like oysters? Voiceover This man is a successful accountant. But today Rosie I love them. Yes, theyre so delicious with frogs men need to learn to cook, because women are legs ... Mmmm. Thats delicious. Youll love this ... going out to work. Ah, hes found the note. MostGeorge Mmm! That must be good. British men cant cook. But it isnt difficult with *** Mr Beetons Cook Book. First of all, you have toGeorge Are you all right? find the kitchen. Yes, thats the kitchen. You Rosie Yes. Im all right now. cook food in the kitchen. Now today were goingGeorge Good. Look, why dont we go out to eat? to start with something simple. Yes, were going Rosie Yes. to make an omelette and chips. First of all, weGeorge A nice, cold bottle of champagne might help to cool need some potatoes. Yes, well done. Thats a your mouth. potato. No, no, no. Dont do that. You have to Rosie Oh. yes. peel potatoes and cook them before you eatGeorge And some oysters. I know just the place to get the them. Now you need a few eggs. Theyre kept in most beautiful oysters you could imagine. the fridge. No, the fridge is that cold place in the corner. Thats good. No, put that beer back in theB OYSTERS AND CHAMPAGNE fridge. We dont need beer to make an omelette, do we? Now, take out the eggs. Thats it. NowStreet interviews take a frying pan. No, thats a spatula. Thats it. David I think a Spanish person coming to Britain And now pour a tablespoonful of oil into the should certainly try fish and chips. frying pan. Well done! That wasnt too difficult,Mr Addison I would recommend to order fish and chips. was it? Its eaten all over the world, and certainly all Wife Hello, darling. This food looks good. Well done. over England. You see, it really is easy for men to cook with Frank Id recommend a casserole with lots of meat Mr Beetons Cook Book. and vegetables. Sara I would recommend that a Spanish visitor tries Street interviews our Yorkshire pudding and roast beef and roast Sara I dont do any cooking. My partner does all potatoes. the cooking in our household. Keith I recommend fish and chips - very tasty. Mr Saunders I cooked a pasta only last night. It was, basically, put the pasta in the saucepan, putDont make me laugh! some water to it and boil it up, put someDanny Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Do garlic and some onion into a saucepan and a you like drama? You do? You like drama? History? bit of tomato sauce, heat that up and mix Comedy? Tragedy? You do? Then you will love my them together - very nice meal. wifes cooking. Yes, her cooking is a tragedy. Her Rowshon Toast the bread and put some cheese on it ... cooking - its so bad that its a tragedy! No, but I dont know! seriously, my wifes a wonderful woman. But the Marcella The easiest recipe I know is jacket potato, first time I saw her in the kitchen, I knew she wasnt where you scrub the skin, pop it in the oven a good cook. She was trying to open an egg with a for about an hour and a half, take it out, tin opener. She was trying to open an egg with a tin butter it and eat it. opener! And I will never forget the day that she boiled some eggs in water, and then served the Song time Oysters and champagne water as chicken soup! She boiled the eggs in water He takes my coat, then takes my hand, and then served the water as chicken soup. Oh, Arc you hungry? I say, Yes.
He whispers, Close your eyes, its something special, try to school has more students every year.guess’. Gary (VO) The students can take different courses: aI taste it once, I taste it twice, a little salt, some spice, three-month course on a concrete topic, or aA pinch of herbs, a drop of wine. What is it? Something nice. one-year course which prepares the studentsIt isnt oysters and champagne, for various jobs in restaurants.It is delicious, but not oysters and champagne. Sara (VO) In these courses, the students learn how toThe kind of dish that makes you think of sunny Spain, choose food for its quality, the right type ofOr Paris in the rain. wine for each dish, and, of course, how to prepare different dishes.It isnt oysters and champagne, Gary (VO) But they dont only learn theory. They alsoMy only wish is let me taste that dish again. practise. The school has a fully equippedI want the recipe, so tell me, whats its name? kitchen where the students can practise whatGive me more of the same, theyve learned in the classes and prepare theirThough its not oysters and champagne.No, its not oysters and champagne. own dishes. That way, the students learn to appreciate good-quality food, and have a good time looking for new flavours and creating newDOCUMENTARY dishes, or simply learning how to cook their Sara (VO) British cuisine doesnt have a very good favourite dishes. reputation. Most visitors to the United Kingdom think British food is boring and not Sara (VO) We asked Wendy, a student at Leiths School, very tasty. If you ask them for the name of a why shes interested in cooking. typical British dish, most of them will only say Wendy I love food. I think cooking is a very creative fish and chips. career. And I like trying new recipes. And, of Gary (VO) Fortunately, this is not the only British dish. course, I like to eat the food. The British are beginning to take more and Gary (VO) We also asked Wendy to tell us what her more care of what they eat, and in the last few favourite cuisine is and why. years a number of good restaurants have Wendy I like all nationalities. I think every country has opened with some really delicious traditional something interesting. But my favourite food is dishes. Italian, mainly because they use local produce. Sara (VO) We asked an expert gastronome, Fiona Burrel, I love pasta and it makes me think of the why British cuisine isnt as well-known as that sunshine. of other European countries. Sara (VO) But the best thing about Leiths School is thatFiona Burrel I think because in the last century a lot of the students can eat the exercises. French chefs came over to work in Britain, and Gary (VO) This is good proof that learning is not only they worked in the large houses, and they food for the spirit, but also for the body. worked in hotels. And they brought with them French cuisine, so for many years the typical cuisine or cooking that you would get in 3 GOSSIP Britain, in the large grand houses or in restaurants, hotels, would be French. Then in..., A YOULL NEVER BELIEVE IT! during the Second World War, in the 1940s, George Do you remember the first time you met old early 1940s, there was very little food around Victor Knowles? It was very funny. It happened the day after you cooked a meal . . . for the people to eat and they had to make the *** most of what they had, and they had very poor George Hello, Valerie. food. They had to cook it for a long time to Valerie George! extract every bit of goodness from it. And so George For you! they really forgot how to cook. There is very Valerie Oh, thank you. good British food around, and in the last George No, thank you for the meal last night. It was twenty years its becoming much, much better. fantastic. I wish Rosie could cook as well as you The restaurants are getting very good and do. In fact, I wish she could cook. people at home are becoming more interested Valerie Oh, George, theres a man in your garden. in food and cooking. So I would say its George Yes: thats Vic. changing quite a lot now. Valerie Whats he doing there? Gary (VO) Fiona Burrel is the principal of Leiths School, George Hes doing some gardening for me. a private school that trains the future gourmets Valerie Are you sure he knows about gardening? of British cuisine. George No ... but he hasnt got a job at the moment. Sara (VO) As Fiona Burrel said, in the last few years the Valerie Im not surprised. British, especially the young, have become George He said he had some problems. interested in good food. Thats why this type of Valerie Yes. I can see that. George Some emotional problems.
*** tea? Valerie How was work? Rosie I had no idea he was dangerous. That was veryBernard Awful! Maggie came in. You know what shes brave of you to save me like that. like. She talks and talks. She gossips about her Bernard Go and phone the police. Tell them theres a dan- neighbours brothers wifes minor operation last gerous man in the garden of number twelve. Tell year. them I have disarmed him. Valerie Bernard! Rosie Are you sure hes dangerous?Bernard What are you reading? Bernard Yes. You must hurry! Valerie It’s an article about Quinten Sayles new wife. *** You should read it. Valerie I think Bernard was just trying to be helpful.Bernard You know Im not interested in gossip. The Bernard Yes, well. I heard from Phils sister-in-law that he newspapers make these stories up. None of them was a dangerous criminal. is true. George Ah, well, you shouldnt believe all that gossip. Do Valerie It doesnt matter if the stories are true, as long as you know, Vic is so gentle that he gets upset if he theyre interesting. has to cut down a tree.Bernard Im not interested in an old film stars fifth wife … Whose are these? B DONT TALK BEHIND MY BACK! Valerie Theyre mine.Bernard Yes, but who are they from? Street interviews Valerie Guess. Chloe I gossip about boys.Bernard Are they from George? Melissa Me too. Valerie Arent they beautiful? Hes so thoughtful and kind. Lin Some gossip Ive heard lately is that two people I Hes a real gentleman. Rosie is a lucky woman. work with, whove worked together for manyBernard Youre not jealous of her, are you? years, are now a couple. Theyve had ... theyve Valerie No. Im pleased shes found someone so begun a relationship after all this time, and considerate. everyone is very pleased about it - we like themBernard Hmm. I can be considerate too, you know. both. Valerie I know you can, darling. Marcella I dont gossip a lot really, just if people want toBernard Valerie, whos that man in our garden? know something and I know it, then Ill tell them. Valerie Thats Vic.Bernard Whats he doing there? Dont make me laugh! Valerie Hes gardening. Danny Thank you! Thank you very much! Do you likeBernard Thats Vic Knowles, isnt it? Ive heard a few small talk? There is a lot of small talk in the street things about him. where I live. Theres Mrs Evans who lives at Valerie Who is he? number forty-two. You can always tell when shesBernard He suddenly appeared in the town a couple of gossiping ... you can see her lips move. You can years ago. No one knows where he came from. No always tell when shes gossiping ... you can see her one knows where he lives. He just suddenly lips move. But shes a marvellous woman. Last appeared. There were lots of rumours about him. week she told me that she was thirty years old ... Phils sister-in-law thought he was a criminal. I But I know shes celebrating the twenty-fifth think he looks dangerous. anniversary of her thirtieth birthday. Shes Valerie I think he looks sad. celebrating the twenty-fifth anniversary of herBernard I wish he wouldnt wave that axe around like that. thirtieth birthday. I said to her, I said, Dont you *** remember when you were born? And she said, No, Vic Hello. Hello. Could I have a cup of tea? I was too young. Oh, theres nothing like a good Rosie Yes ... of course. joke, is there? Vic And a chat. Man No. And that was nothing like a good joke. Rosie A chat? What about? Danny And theres Mr Jones who lives at number twenty- Vic I like to chat about anything. The weather, the four. Hes always talking behind peoples backs ... trees, the flowers, the past. I get lonely. well, hes a barber. Yes, hes always talking behind Rosie OK. Come in. Ill get you a cup of tea. their backs. You know ... talking about them *** without them knowing ... Hes always talking behind Vic There was a terrible storm last week, wasnt there? their backs ... well, hes a barber. Hes cutting hair Rosie Was there? Oh, yes ... behind their backs. Oh, never mind ... And thenBernard Rosie, are you all right? theres Mr Simpson who lives at number sixty-three. Rosie Yes. He lives on his own now. Mrs Simpson left. He saidBernard Thank goodness. Put the axe down on the floor. to her, Darling, how can you leave me? And she Now move towards the door slowly. Thats it. said, Its easy - I can go by taxi, by car or on foot. Open the door and go outside. Hes a dangerous Well, they say the old jokes are the best ... man. Vic Could I have some milk and a little sugar in my
Song time Gossip, ooh, gossip this time of year.Gossip, ooh, gossip. Man People dont understand. Life is so sad. Were allHave you heard about my cousins best friends son, going to die in the end.Who used to go next door to have some fun? Woman Really? Do you like Daphnes new hairstyle?When the husband came home, he had to get up and run. Man Its all right, I suppose.Gossip, I love gossip. Woman I love Michclangelo, dont you? Man Yes! Have You seen the Pietá at St Peters inHave you heard about my cousins sister-in-law? Rome?Well, I wouldnt like to tell you everything I saw, Woman St Peters? Oh, no, darling, MichelangelosWhen her neighbour called and didnt close the door. hairdressing salon is in St Johns Wood, London.Gossip, yeah, gossip. Its not easy to make Daphne look pretty, butHave you heard about my cousins husbands mother, Michelangelo can do it. Hes an artist, you know.Who ran away with her best friends brother? Man I like talking to you. Youre the first person whosWhen that didnt work, she ran away with another. ever listened to me.Gossip, I love gossip. Woman Thats because I use the Small Talk Manual.Ooh, gossip. Man I feel you really understand what Im saying ... do you know, many years ago ...Street interviews Woman Daphne, darling! You look so pretty - I just love Mr Addison Oh. the best place to hear gossip is in the your hair. Yes. The Small Talk Manual - it really shops. works. Hello, daaaaarling!Mrs Addison Well, I think the best place is at coffee mornings. DOCUMENTARY Sara The best place to hear gossip, for me, is in Gary (VO) This is Fleet Street. For many years the my office around the coffee machine. offices of the most important newspapers Rowshon The best place to hear gossip is at the pub. in the United Kingdom were here. But David I think the best place to hear gossip is at now most of them have moved to other work. When people are at work they gossip a parts of London. Fleet Street, however, lot. remains a symbol for all the British press. Marcella On the bus, thats the best place to hear Sara (VO) The British are possibly the biggest gossip. newspaper readers in the world. But theyre also very interested in all kinds ofThe ad spot gossip.Woman This is the Small Talk Manual! Its marvellous! Before I had this manual, I used to be like this sad Gary (VO) There are a lot of sensationalist man behind me. Darling! newspapers in the United Kingdom. Man Im sorry? Theyre called tabloids. Theyre veryWoman I said darling! popular and they include information on Man But I dont know you. scandals about famous people in showWoman At parties, I call everyone darling, darling. business, in finance and in politics. We Man Oh. have a spokesman of one of thoseWoman How are you? newspapers who is here to explain what a Man Im very depressed. tabloid is. Its Bernard Shrimley, and heWoman Never mind. Have a drink. works for the Daily Express. We asked Man My uncle died last week. I went to his funeral. him for a definition of what a tabloid is.Woman I hate funerals. I never look good in black. Bernard Shrimley When we talk about a tabloid, we almost Man My wife left me on the day before the funeral. always mean the shape of the newspaper,Woman Really. How interesting. I say! He looks very a small sheet. But in Fleet Street we tend smart! Whose husbands that? to regard tabloid as a state of mind, or a Man My wife went off with my best friend. method, a technique of presentation. ItsWoman Do you like the colour of my dress? Its pretty, isnt going for the general public, populist. it? Sara (VO) Tabloids are very successful in the Man Yes. On the way back from the funeral, I had a car United Kingdom. Their circulation is accident. four times larger than that of seriousWoman What colour was the car? newspapers. But why are they so Man It was red.. successful? Thats what AndreasWoman I love the colour red, dont you? Wittam-Smith, editor of The Man I feel so lonely. No one listens to me.Woman Hi, Miranda. Im sorry, darling? That was Miranda. Independent is going to explain to us. Doesnt Miranda look lovely? Andreas Wittam- First of all, Britain is quite a small Man I was saying no one listens to me. Smith country, so newspapers produced in Lon-Woman I know, darling ... um ... but the weathers good for don can circulate all over the country.
And we are ... we have many people, we roof. . . Good afternoon. You must be Mrs have fifty million people. So newspapers Wilson. Very pleased to meet you. What a can achieve very large circulations. And charming house you have! if they do, they have less need of Valerie Thank you. advertisers. And in those circumstances, Mr Mott So, what seems to be the trouble? newspapers can provide a very racy, Bernard Well, we have a leaking roof. All my cricket popular, daring, intrusive coverage, equipment is getting ruined. which is what happens in this country. Mr Mott Oh, are you interested in cricket, then? Sara (VO) The Royal Family is the main focus of Bernard I certainly am. Isnt every Englishman? Its in our blood. gossip in the United Kingdom. Any event Mr Mott Absolutely. So have you followed the match in the life of any member of the Royal against Sri Lanka? Family becomes front-page news in all Bernard I certainly have. Well, some of the time. the tabloids, especially if theyre about I think England may win, dont you? Mr Mott Lady Di or Prince Charles. Of course, its Bernard Oh, Im not sure about that ... logical that everything about the Royal Valerie Shall we have a look at the leak now? Family is important news in the United Mr Mott By all means. Lead the way. So how do you think Kingdom. But, as the editor of the England will do against Australia this winter? Independent says, the difference between Bernard Oh, I think that could be a tough match. The the serious press and the tabloids, is in Australians are very competitive. the way they report the news. Valerie So what do you think, Mr Mott? Andreas Wittam- Well, I think newspapers in this country Mr Mott I agree with Bernard. England will have a difficult Smith divide into two, whether you see your job time in Australia. Those Australians are a lot of as being entertainment, or whether you cheats. see your job as being fundamentally Valerie I mean, about the roof. news. And the dividing line is very clear. Mr Mott Oh, I see. Well, its difficult to say whats causing And the yellow press, as you call it, sees the leak. It could be a number of things. the job as being purely entertainment, *** and the rest of the market sees it as being Valerie So what do you think, Mr Mott? news. If you see it as being enter- Mr Mott Its difficult to say, really. I cant see much from tainment, then you begin to invent here. stories, you go into a fantasy land, and Valerie Well, why dont you use the ladder? ... Whats most of all you want to have a soap wrong, Mr Mott? Is there something wrong with our ladder? opera, if you can find it. And we in Bri- Mr Mott No, no, its just that Im not very ... I used to take tain have a perfect soap opera, and its my own ladder around with me. I mean. I dont called the Royal Family. think Im insured for this sort of thing. I could get Sara (VO) In the end, the public has the last word. one of my assistants to have a look later. Actually, In the United Kingdom there are over I think I can see from here ... Yes, I think it must twenty national newspapers and over one be one of the roof tiles over there. thousand five hundred regional and local Valerie But the leak is over there. papers. So its up to you to choose Mr Mott Yes, well, it quite often happens that way. Look, I between news or gossip. tell you what. I’ll go off now, and send you an estimate But you know, this isn’t going to be cheap.4 STEREOTYPES Bernard Nice to meet you, Mr Mott ... Nice chap. Hes the sort of man you can trust.A FIRST IMPRESSIONS Valerie Hmm, Im not so sure.Bernard Valerie! The roof is leaking badly in the small Bernard Hes from an old, established company.. bedroom. Valerie Oh, look. I think thats the other builder. Valerie I know. I mentioned it last night. Bernard Good grief!Bernard But my cricket equipment is getting ruined! Dale Im Dale. Roof problems? Valerie Wed better ask someone to look at it. ***Bernard Its so difficult to find a good builder these days. Valerie Oh. yes. thats right. Im so glad you could come. And itll probably cost a fortune. Dale Let’s have a look. Its that first-floor room, isnt it? Valerie We might be able to find someone local, whos Valerie It is. How did you know that? not too expensive. Perhaps someone who works Dale Well, I can see somethings wrong from here. on his own ... Heres one that looks good ... Lets have a closer look ... Thought so. Its your *** rainwater pipes. Need a whole new system ... CostMr Mott Mr Wilson? Good afternoon, Im Adrian Mott. I you about three hundred pounds. understand youve got some problems with your Valerie Fine. When can you start?
Dale Monday. people laugh about my Uncle Rob. He was ScottishBernard Well, I didnt think much of him. and he died in the second World War. You see, he Valerie What do you mean? had a hand grenade. He pulled the pin out of theBernard I’m not quite sure. There was something funny hand grenade, but he didnt want to throw it away! about him. And he was a bit rude. He didnt want to throw away the hand grenade! Valerie Well, he seems to know his job. You know, at Christmas we have Christmas trees inBernard But hell be here next week, when were at work. our houses. Do you know how you can tell when its He might steal something. summer in Scotland? Well, if you see a Scotsman Valerie Oh, Bernard! throwing away his Christmas tree, its probablyBernard Well, he has got an earring and tattoos. You cant summer! If you see a Scotsman throwing away his trust people with earrings. Christmas tree, its probably summer! But, you *** know. I think its wrong to judge people before you Dale There you are, Mrs Wilson. That might fix it. know them properly. Dont you agree? You do? Yes.Bernard Thats great. So how much do we owe you for that They might be very nice. No, what I always say is, job? Wait until you know a person properly and then you Dale Oh, nothing, mate. Only took me five minutes. can dislike them! Thank you very much, ladies andBernard Most builders would charge a lot for doing that. gentlemen. Youve been a wonderful audience. Valerie Or perhaps you could come over for dinner next Good night. week? Dale That would be nice. The ad spot Valerie How about next Wednesday? John Thats two bacon, egg and beans and two mugs ofBernard Yes. Why dont you bring your partner? tea, love. Ello! Welcome to Johns Cafe! Im John. Dale Yeah, sure. Well look forward to that. See you. Everyone is welcome here. When you visit London, Valerie Thanks. make sure you visit my cafe. We have a big menu.Bernard Bye ... Such a nice chap. But he doesnt talk much. Theres bacon and eggs ... bacon, eggs and beans ... *** bacon, eggs and chips, and beans ... on toast! Or Dale Hello, Mr and Mrs Wilson. This is Peter. Peter, beans. We get a lot of foreign tourists here - this is Bernard and Valerie. everyone is welcome. The Italians are very welcome. Last week, we had lots of Italians in here,B THE SPANISH ARE . . . and it was chaos. They were arguing and shouting. They didnt like my coffee. They wanted spaghetti,Street interviews but I gave them beans on toast. But I like the Lin A typical British person is reserved, polite Italians. They have warm hearts. I have a lot of and embarrassed. Germans in here. They are very welcome. Theyre Frank British people are meant to be reserved and always very precise and very neat. There were two quiet, not loud and excitable. I disagree - I Germans in here this morning. They thought my think British people are lively and friendly. cafe was dirty, and I agreed with them. They didnt Sara I would describe the typical British person as like the dirt on the table and the chairs, but they rather formal. liked the bacon and the eggs. Oh, yes, I love theMr Saunders ... very difficult to describe a typical British Germans. Ive had Russians in here. I love the person. I think there are all sorts. Some are Russians. Theyre so sad. They cry into my eggs and shy, some are very outgoing, all sorts. say life is a tragedy. And Japanese tourists often Keith I think John Major is a typical British male - come to eat here. Once they asked me for bacon, straightforward, but a little bit dull. egg and noodles. I love the Japanese tourists. They Marcella A typical British person is well-mannered, love to take photographs of my wife and me in my well-dressed and very patriotic. cafe. Sometimes Scottish tourists come here as well. They might want porridge, and they may say myDont make me laugh! bacon and eggs are too expensive, but as long asDanny Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! I they pay, everyone is welcome at my cafe - Johns hope you arent expecting any jokes about racial Cafe. stereotypes? No, I dont tell Jewish jokes. Or Irish jokes. And I especially dont like Scottish jokes. Street interviews You see, Im Scottish myself. You know, people say Lin ... friendly, outgoing and very talkative. the Scottish are mean - that they dont like spending Frank . . . lively, excitable and friendly. money - well, it isnt true. For example, yesterday I Melissa Well.... very mad. They wear long dresses, usually spent fifty pence. Oh, yes I did. I went to the red, they have lots of celebrations, and they eat hairdressers. I said to the hairdresser, How much is very strong, spiced food. a haircut? He said, Its a pound. So then I said, David ... is warm, inventive, friendly, vivacious and good How much for a shave? He said, A shave is fifty fun to be with. pence. So I said, OK, heres fifty pence - shave my Keith ... slightly excitable and eating lots of garlic. head! Heres fifty pence, shave my head! And
Song time Nationality you continentals. We dont like our neighbours.Have you seen the man with the old school tie? We enjoy our privacy.Hes got an umbrella, hes reserved and shy, Sara (VO) Did you hear? He said continentals. In theHe doesnt like talking when hes walking so you neednt try. United Kingdom there are two groups ofWho can he be, the man with the old school tie? Europeans: the British and continentals, peopleHe may be from Greece or Germany, from the other European countries.He might be from Belgium - dont you agree? Gary (VO) Due to their love of privacy, the British prefer toHe could be Danish or Romanian, live in individual houses with their own gardens.Dutch or Panamanian, Sara (VO) Talking about gardens. Is it true that the BritishNo, hes British - cant you see? are great lovers of gardening?British is his nationality. Actor We love our flowers. Gardening is the perfect way of relaxing. It is the British way of life. WeHave you seen the woman with the long, black hair? all have gardens.Shes proud and shes stubborn and she doesnt care.She cant stop her laughter after theres no one there. Sara (VO) Another sign of their individualism is that theyWho can she be, the woman with the long, black hair? drive on the left-hand side of the road whereas in all other European countries people drive on theShe may be from Greece or Germany. right.She might be from Belgium - dont you agree? Sara (VO) From now on, thousands of cars with the steeringShe could be Danish or Romanian, wheel on the left will come into Britain throughDutch or Panamanian. the Channel Tunnel.No, shes Spanish - cant you see? Gary (VO) There will be problems, but no one in Britain hasSpanish is her nation-, Spanish is her nation-, suggested changing to driving on the right.Spanish is her nationality. Sara (VO) The British have a reputation for being animal lovers. But, is it true?DOCUMENTARY Gary (VO) We think it is. About 49 per cent of British adultsSara (VO) What are the British like? What do we know have a pet at home. about them? The ideas the Spanish have about Sara (VO) And 46 per cent agree with the following state- the British, are they correct? ment: "The British prefer their pets to their fa-Gary (VO) Were going to have a look at some of these ideas mily." and see if theyre right or wrong. Gary (VO) Heres our man in London reading a publicationSara (VO) One of them is that British businessmen always for animal lovers. wear bowler hats and carry umbrellas. Sara (VO) Can you read the advert aloud?Gary (VO) But weve been walking around the City for a Actor Please, send a donation to help donkey Sara and while and we havent seen any. her friends have a happy Christmas.Sara (VO) Look! A typical British businessman. Excuse me, Gary (VO) This says it all. In what other part of the world are you a real British businessman? could you find a similar advert asking for Christ- Actor No. This is a joke. No British businessman mas donations for a home for donkeys? dresses like this any more. The only uniforms you can see in the city today are business suits.Gary (VO) So this gentleman doesnt exist any more, except 5 THE BEST OF FRIENDS in films.Gary (VO) Nowadays British businesswomen and A WEVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR YEARS businessmen dress like those of any other Bernard What are you doing this evening? country. Valerie Im going out with Anita. Dont you remember?Gary (VO) Its five oclock: teatime. Bernard No one tells me anything.Gary (VO) In Spain, we think that, at five oclock, Valerie I told you last week. Were just going out for a everything stops for a refreshing cup of tea. drink and a chat. You can come along with us, ifSara (VO) But, is this true nowadays? you want. Actor No, it isnt. We have tea at any time in the day, Bernard No, Ill be fine. Ill stay in. Someone has to keep the same as you have coffee. We British have tea Gran company. She wouldnt like to be left here with breakfast, tea at eleven oclock in the mor- on her own. She needs company. Its a terrible ning, tea after lunch; then we have tea at teatime, thing, being lonely. tea after dinner, and tea at eleven oclock pm. We Valerie Oh, hello, Gran. How are you feeling? never refuse the offer of a cup of tea. Bernard Are you OK?Gary (VO) They say that every Englishman is an island. Gran Yes, Im fine.Sara (VO) Maybe the British are individualists and love Valerie Im late. I must go. You neednt wait up for me. privacy, because they live on an island. Lets ask Bye, darling. Bye, Gran. Have a nice evening, our man in London if this is true. both of you. Bernard Well, Gran, what shall we do this evening? We Actor Yes, I think we British are quite different from
can have a chat about old times. Or we can have a Valerie Has he really? game of cards or ... Gran Yes. Gran Thats very thoughtful of you, Bernard. But Im Bernard How exciting. How romantic. afraid I wont be at home this evening. Ive got to Gran Yes. But I dont think I will. In fact, Im not sure if get ready. Im going to see Frank any more. Hes rather nosyBernard Ready? For what? always wanting to know what Im doing. And he Gran Im going out with a friend. Goodness me, is that never stops talking about DIY. I wouldnt get the time? much peace! *** Bernard Oh, good! I mean ... Well, of course, you mustBernard Is it ... a woman friend? make the decision yourself, Gran. Gran No Gran Yes, I must. Well, Im going to think about it,Bernard Its a man, then. Bcrnard. And Bernard ... Gran Yes, Bernard. Its a man. Bernard Yes, Gran?Bernard What I meant was, its a man friend . . . rather than Gran Please dont call me Gran! a woman friend ... if you see what I mean. Gran Yes. B GETTING TOGETHERBernard Is it anyone that I know? Gran No, you havent met him yet. Street interviewsBernard How long have you been seeing him? Mr Addison Weve known each other for fifty-three years, Gran Oh, for about a week. Since last Sunday, actually. and weve been married for fifty-two years.Bernard I see. And how old is this friend of yours. I mean, Frank Ive known my girlfriend for a year and a half. is he ... around your age? Sara Ive known my partner now for about eight Gran Hes younger than me. His name is Frank, and I years. In fact, we were going to get married dont want to be late for him. seven years ago, but then I had a baby, so weBernard No, of course not. Have a lovely evening, Gran. didnt get married. *** David We were married fifteen years ago, so IveBernard We dont know anything about Frank.. known my wife for fifteen years now. Valerie Oh, Bernard. Im sure Gran can look after herself. Keith I have known my wife for twenty-seven years, Shes very grown-up. and weve been married for twenty-five years.Bernard I know shes grown-up. Thats what Im worried In fact, we celebrated our silver wedding about. I mean, where are they going to tonight? anniversary in June this year. What will they do? When will she come back? Valerie Im sure Gran will be very sensible. Shes a very Dont make me laugh! sensible person. Danny Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! You *** know, friends are important, arent they? Everyone Gran This is Frank. Valerie and Bernard, Frank. should have friends. I love my friends, but I have a Valerie Very pleased to meet you, Frank. very special friend, called Fido. Fido has been living Frank Its my pleasure. with me ever since he was a little, babyBernard Good evening. doggy-woggy - havent you, Fidy-Widy-Bidy? Yes, Frank Very good to meet you at last, Bernard. Ive heard everybody needs a best friend, and a dog is a mans such a lot about you both. best friend. He doesnt give you advice, he never *** tries to borrow money, and you dont have to buy Frank Well, its been very nice meeting you. Goodbye. him a coat - hes already got one! Hes had one since Goodbye, Valerie. Goodbye, Bernard. Goodbye! he was born! You know, a dogs hair? His coat? You Valerie Well, Gran, Frank seems very nice. dont have to buy him a coat - hes already got one!Bernard Yes. Very nice. I was very impressed. Hes had one since he was born! I love Fido. I dont Gran Yes. care what anyone says - hes a fine guard dog. You Valerie Bernards been quite worried about you, Gran. know, if I hear any noises in the night, I wake him, Havent you, Bernard? and then he starts to bark. Dont you think that itsBernard Oh, no, not really. interesting that mans best friend cant talk? I once Valerie Bernard thought Frank was going to be a young heard of a dog that could talk. But its not possible. man, who was after your money. But he looked If a dog ever tells you he can talk, hes lying. If a older than you. dog ever tells you he can talk hes lying. Oh, hes a Gran He just seems older. Hes actually a year younger lovely dog. And hes good company. You know, Ive than I am. And he cant be after my money. Hes been playing chess with him since he was little. You actually quite rich. probably think that hes a very clever dog becauseBernard Really! he can play chess, but hes not really clever, because Valerie Well, thats nice. And is there a future in your when Fido and I play chess, I usually win! Usually! relationship? And, now, ladies and gentlemen, shall I sing you a Gran Well, he has just asked me to marry him if thats song? Yes! Thank you. Id like to sing a little song I what you mean. wrote myself, all about Fido. Its called, Everyone
needs someone to love, someone to share everything Wont you have a little drink, say cheers? with, every day. If everybody had somebody, Just until your friend appears, someone like Fido, then everything would be fine. We could tell a few jokes as the time goes by, Music, maestro, please. Yes, we could laugh away every tear, Yes, we could laugh away every tear.The ad spotVoiceover I have gone forever. Goodbye. Love, Jeremy. DOCUMENTARY Do you want someone that you can depend on - Sara (VO) We are in Dublin, the capital of the Irish someone that wont let you down? Republic. Anyone whos visited this Woman Yes, my boyfriend has left me again! country knows that the Irish are friendly,Voiceover Are relationships difficult for you? kind and warm with foreigners. But what Woman I dont trust anyone. Everyone lets me down. are they like to each other?Voiceover Dont you wish you had someone to share your Gary (VO) To find out, were going to speak with a life with? Do you want someone that you can group of four Irish youngsters, Eve, depend on? Cahal, Siobhan and Vincent. Theyve Woman Yes, but I dont want someone who looks at other women. Im a very jealous person. been friends for four years. They met atVoiceover Yes, I understand. Then why not go and see school, and although now they go to Roy? If you talk to Roy and tell him what you different colleges, they still meet to talk want, he will help you. Roy will introduce you to and have some fun together. Eve was the someone that you can depend on. first to answer our questions. Roy I certainly will. At Roys Pet Shop we will find Interviewer (VO) Is it easy to make friends in Ireland? the right pet for you. So if youre looking for Eve Ah, yes, its very easy to make friends in someone that you can depend on - why not come Ireland. The Irish people are very friendly and meet Rover? You can trust Rover. Hell and outgoing and when you make a friend always be there when you get home. Hell never in Ireland, you make a friend for life. let you down. Rover wont go for walks with Very easy. other women, will you, Rover? No! He wont Interviewer (VO) Where do you make friends? take your best friend out to dinner while you are Eve You can make friends in the clubs and visiting your mother. Oh, no! Rover will never societies in the university, like the football let you down. So why not come to Roys Pet club or the Martin Society, for example. Shop and meet the friend of your dreams? Interviewer (VO) What would you like to find in a friend? Eve Id like to find many things in a friend,Street interviews like a sense of humour, loyalty, honesty, Frank I usually meet my friends in the pub, or we something like that. go to the cinema or the theatre or the football Sara (VO) Eve is a great sports-lover. Her favourite match. pastimes are gymnastics and jogging in Melissa I get together with my friends at a local the park. Eve studies History and lives at disco. home with her parents. Marcella I get together with my friends at local pubs Vincent doesnt live with his parents any or nightclubs. *** more. One big difference between IrelandMr Saunders I have a lot of friends who are women, but I and Spain is that Irish youngsters start only have one wife. living on their own very early. Thats why David I think men and women can be friends, but I we asked Vincent at what age they dont think its the same sort of friendship as become independent. between men and men, and women and Interviewer (VO) At what age do young people start living women. on their own? Marcella Ive got a load of friends, girls and boys, but Vincent Well, students leave home around the age the boys arent boyfriends. of 17, whereas people who dont go to university like to leave home at the age ofSong time Have a little drink around twenty-two or twenty-three.For an hour or so Ive been watching you, Interviewer (VO) Do you still live with your parents?Youve been sitting alone at a table for two, Vincent No, I moved into a flat with a group ofNo one has come, youve got nothing to do, friends as my house was too far awayWell me. Im waiting, Im waiting for someone, too. from the university.Wont you have a little drink with me? Interviewer (VO) Is it usual for young people to share a flatI could keep you company, or a house with friends?I could make you feel better, Vincent Yes, its very frequent as its cheaper forIf you need to cry, young people to move in together andI want to hear your life history. they have a lot more freedom also.
Interviewer (VO) How do you like living on your own? 6 TRADITIONS Vincent I love to live on my own as I can come in at whatever time I please and eat whate- A WE HAVE A LOT TO BE PROUD OF! ver I like. Valerie I got a phone call from Jessica today. Gary (VO) Siobhan is the youngest in the group. Bernard Jessica? Shes eighteen. Siobhan is Cahals Valerie Your second cousin, the one who lives in girlfriend. Theyve been going out for a America. year, since she was seventeen. Is this a Bernard Oh, Jessica. Yes, Ive heard of her. Ive never met common age for girls to go out with boys? her, though. Whats she doing? We asked Siobhan. Valerie Shes a student and shes coming over to EnglandInterviewer (VO) At what age does a girl usually start going next month. She wants to stay with us for a few out with a boy? days. Siobhan Usually when theyre thirteen or fourteen, Bernard Great. but maybe younger. It depends on the girl. Valerie She says shes very interested in history andInterviewer (VO) Is it usual for young people to go out tradition. She wants to have a look at some together in groups? English traditions. Siobhan Oh, yes. Boys and girls usually go out Bernard Well, Im not surprised. They havent got many together in groups because its a lot more traditions in America. They have fireworks on the fun and its also safer, like when you are 4th of July and thats it. going home. Valerie Thats not quite true, Bernard.Interviewer (VO) Whats a common topic of conversation Bernard Well, weve got a lot to be proud of in this for friends, especially for girls? country. We have a great history and some fine Siobhan For girls, they usually talk about boys or traditions most people take for granted. Its so clothes, usually. important to understand your heritage. Why dont we take a few days off work when Jessica is here.Interviewer (VO) What time are boys and girls supposed to We could take her to some of the typically get home at night when they live with English places. their parents? Valerie Yes, she might like that. Siobhan It depends if they go to the pub and ... that Bernard We could work out an itinerary. We can go to the closes at about half eleven, so theyre Tower of London, where you can show her the expected home at twelve oclock. But if Beefeaters and the Crown Jewels. they go to a disco, theyre expected home Valerie Do you know, Ive never been to the Tower of at about half two. London. Sara (VO) Cahal is still living with his parents in the Bernard I dont think many English people have. We can outskirts of Dublin. He loves Dublin. go to Cambridge. We could see the Kings College Thats why he recommends Spanish stu- Chapel. We could go on the river in a boat and dents to go to Dublin to learn English. have a traditional English tea at Grantchestcr. YouInterviewer (VO) Would you recommend Spanish students know, we’ve got a lot to be proud of in this to come to Ireland? country. Ive got a brilliant idea! We could take Cahal Yes, I would, because its a very friendly her to the Henley Regatta and we could take a country and when the Spanish students hamper and some strawberries. Jessica will love come over in the summer they usually get that. on very well with the locals. ***Interviewer (VO) What would you recommend Spanish Jessica Im so excited. Ive always dreamed of seeing students to do if they came to Ireland? England. Cahal If a Spanish student comes to Ireland, the Bernard You probably thought we lived in a little cottage best thing they can probably do would be which had a thatched roof and roses growing all to move in with a family, as that way they over it. Jessica No. learn good English, theyll also learn the Bernard Or did you think we lived in a manor house or a culture of their country and how a family castle with a moat and a drawbridge? works in Ireland. Jessica No. I didnt expect to see knights at the airport Gary (VO) So youve heard Cahal’s recommendation. either. If you decide to go abroad to learn En- Bernard Weve worked out a wonderful itinerary for you. glish, you can go to the Irish Republic: a The first place were going to visit is Cambridge, great place to make good friends. and then were going to the Henley Regatta. Were visiting Harrods and the Tower of London. And on your final day, were going to go to a medieval banquet. Jessica That sounds really interesting. But is it for American tourists?
Bernard There are some Americans. Peter We all sing Auld Lang Syne at midnight, have Jessica I dont want to meet American tourists. a toast together and celebrate the New YearBernard There are Japanese and German tourists as well. coming in. Jessica Do you know where Sheffield is? Chloe When its 12 oclock on New Years Eve, weBernard Its up in the north of England somewhere. I dont go round and kiss everybody. think youll find anything interesting up there. Mr Addison In the north of England, where I come from, Jessica Theres an industrial museum Ive heard about. Id New Year is celebrated by a ceremony, that love to see it. we call first footing, that is to say, aBernard An industrial museum! dark-haired man will be the first to put his foot Jessica Im interested in how real people lived. I mean inside your door as the New Year enters, and ordinary people. he will bring with him three gifts. He will *** bring a little bread, so that youll never be Jessica Ive traced the family back eight generations. hungry, a little coal for wealth and a little saltBernard Have you really? Well done! for good health. Jessica I think our family has a strong culture and tradition that goes way back into history. Dont make me laugh!Bernard Oh, good. Danny I love the British traditions, dont you? Yes, Ive just Valerie Well, tell us. come back from a traditional British holiday. Yes, it Jessica Well, first, this side of the family were from was very traditional - we went to Spain. We had a Grimsby. traditional British holiday - in Spain! Thank you,Bernard From where? madam. Yes, traditions ... My family, who are very Jessica From Grimsby. In the north-east of England. traditional, always do the same thing everyBernard Grimsby! Christmas. First, we always go to church on Jessica For over two hundred years they were fishermen. Christmas morning. Second, we always have a bigBernard How interesting. dinner - roast turkey with cranberry sauce. Third, we Jessica On this side of the family, always watch the Queens speech, which is on Great-great-great-greatgreat-great-grcat-Uncle television in the afternoon. Fourth, we always play John worked in the textile industry in Manchester. silly games in the evening. I really like Christmas, It was right at the start of the industrial revolution. but theres one Christmas tradition which I dont like And you know what? He became a Shaker and - I always spend too much money on presents! My emigrated to America. wife and I had a wedding that was veryBernard He became a what? old-fashioned. Very traditional. She looked Jessica A Shaker. That was his religion. beautiful, dressed all in white. I said to herBernard How very odd. afterwards, Well, did you enjoy the wedding, dear? Jessica Its so interesting, dont you think? And she said, Well, yes, on the one hand, I didBernard What is? enjoy it, but on the other hand, I think Ill do it Jessica Well, on the one hand, theres religion, and on the differently next time! She said, I think Ill do it other hand, theres fish! Dont you want to come differently next time! Well, thank you! Thank you, with me to Grimsby and discover your family ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. And now for a heritage? song!Bernard Well, frankly, Jessica . . . I dont think I do. The ad spotB CHRISTMAS AND CASTLES Mr Teacher Life in the old days. What was it like? What did we use to do before we had television?Street interviews Mrs Teacher How did people live without cookers or Sara Because I dont cook, I celebrate Christmas by central heating? inviting all the neighbours into our house for Mr Teacher Last weekend, we took the family to Oldfield champagne cocktails in the morning, and then Castle to find out. we go to a hotel for lunch. Much easier - no Mrs Teacher Oldfield Castle is educational and fun. washing up. Mr Teacher We learnt about the people who lived in the Melissa I celebrate Christmas around the Christmas castle many years ago. We spent the whole tree day there. Chloe ... lots of presents. Mrs Teacher Jane and John, who are our children, really David I spend Christmas with my family. We have enjoyed it, didnt they, darling? two children. We wrap up their presents on Mr Teacher Oh, yes. There was a big festival at the castle. Christmas Eve. We open the presents in the There were actors who were dressed up as morning. Then we have a wonderful, long medieval knights. meal late in the afternoon, and Im afraid Mrs Teacher It was so educational! And our children learnt sometimes I drink a bit too much. But we all a lot about British traditions, didnt they, enjoy it very much, especially me. darling? *** Mr Teacher We saw a kitchen which was four hundred