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204 c Russell presentation

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"How to Catch a Falling Life and Heal" Sherry Russell MA BCBT BCETS www.catchafallinglife.com

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204 c Russell presentation

  1. 1. How to Catch a Falling Life and Heal By Sherry Russell MA BCBT BCETS www.catchafallinglife.com
  2. 2. “ “ Indeed they are not gone who have passed beyond our clasp, for they walk softly in our thoughts by day and in our dreams by night.” Author Unknown
  3. 3. Two Ultimate No’s <ul><ul><li>You cannot be God </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Cannot change what has happened </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>May never be able to “connect the dots” to make sense of what has happened </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>You cannot cheat death. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>You too will die someday </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Loved ones will also die </li></ul></ul></ul></ul>
  4. 4. Understanding Family Dynamics Why doesn’t she/he understand my grief?
  5. 5. Uniquely You - Variables <ul><ul><li>Personal history </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Personality variables </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Level of social support </li></ul></ul><ul><li>This is why no two people respond in exactly the same way </li></ul>
  6. 6. What is happening to me and to us? Why do I feel like I am going crazy and should I worry?
  7. 7. Grief impacts us on a mental level <ul><ul><li>Auto-pilot, confusion, disorientation, indecisiveness, worry </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Disbelief, difficulty concentrating, unwanted memories </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Isolation, self-blame, shortened attention span </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>The loss becomes intellectualized and dealt with on a rational level </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>The person is able to talk about their loss </li></ul></ul>
  8. 8. Grief impacts us on an emotional level <ul><li>This is the longest phase bringing an avalanche of surprises </li></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>suffering, shock, fear, grief, anger, resentment, guilt,shame, helplessness, hopelessness, emotional numbness </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>hour by hour changes and challenges </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>may bring on bouts of weeping </li></ul></ul></ul>
  9. 9. Grief impacts on a gut level <ul><ul><li>Chemical changes take place when you are under stress </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>panic, irritability </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>shortness of breath </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>lack of muscular power, bodily aches and pains </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>empty feeling in the stomach </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>anxiety attacks </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>nausea </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>change in appetite </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>change in sex drive </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Tear Study </li></ul></ul>
  10. 10. <ul><li>How Men Cope with Grief </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Cope internally </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Take action - throws himself into his work/activities </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Keep a stiff upper lip by grieving alone and isolation </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Search for answers by finding something they can control </li></ul></ul>
  11. 11. How Women Cope <ul><ul><li>Cope externally - Cry </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Talk and talk more - every detail </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Tendency to withdraw </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Will seek support groups </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Understands her life is changed forever </li></ul></ul>
  12. 12. Relationship dangers <ul><ul><li>She confronts </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>She repeats </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Feels </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Wants to know he is grieving </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>She goes towards her pain </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>He avoids </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>He rejects </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Thinks </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>He needs space </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>He tries to avoid it </li></ul></ul>
  13. 13. Grief Avoidance <ul><ul><li>Hopes grief will leave with time </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Replacing the deceased quickly by reinvesting in a new relationship </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Invest themselves into work or other activity </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Shops or eats to avoid grief </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Starts or supports a cause </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Stays on the move </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Experiences the grief though physical pain </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Medicates </li></ul></ul>
  14. 14. Family Conflicts <ul><ul><li>Data conflicts </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Interest conflicts </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Relationship conflicts </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Structural conflicts </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Value conflicts </li></ul></ul>
  15. 15. The domino effect grief has on the family dynamics <ul><ul><li>Blame storming </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Betrayal </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Numbing </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Fear/Guilt </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Forgetting responsibilities </li></ul></ul>
  16. 16. Family Secrets <ul><ul><li>Secrets are a minefield in families </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Family secrets can create walls of silence </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Greatly affect the trust and stability </li></ul></ul>
  17. 17. Internal Dynamics – Lack of Synchronism in Reactions <ul><ul><li>Reactions in the beginning may be similar </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Over time, reactions begin to differ due to variables which make each person unique </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Which leads to different expectations </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Leading to a lack of understanding for the grief work of the other person </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>A different rate of personal growth </li></ul></ul>
  18. 18. Family Dynamics Intervention <ul><ul><ul><li>Speed of recovery, intensity of reactions, anticipation of conflicts </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Interpretation of partner-behavior, i.e., when men contain their emotions to protect women from further hurt </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Discussion of how to publicly display their reactions </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Information on possible grief competition and grief ownership </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Self-blame and blame of partner </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Differences in perception of appropriate reactions and grieving. </li></ul></ul></ul>
  19. 19. Communication do’s <ul><ul><li>Communicate frequently </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Communicate clearly and directly </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Be an active listener </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Think about the person with whom you are communicating </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Pay attention to non-verbal messages </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Be positive </li></ul></ul>
  20. 20. Detox and balance stress <ul><ul><li>What is out of my control </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>What is within my control </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Which needs are being unmet </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Can I accept this </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>What is important to me </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>What are the best actions I can take to achieve what is most important </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>What is the best use of my time right now </li></ul></ul>
  21. 21. Crisis Gertie <ul><ul><li>Have no fear, Crisis Gertie to the rescue  </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>When your wagon is heavy you can learn to Pull Your Own Wagon™   When you feel bad and sad, you can unload those yucky feelings and fill your wagon up with good feelings and fun things.                                      </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Crisis Gertie says:  There are a lot of disaster going on in the world right now.  Sometimes we see too much of it or hear too much about it and it makes us worry.  We get all kinds of strange feelings and that can make us have nightmares and even make us wet our beds.  </li></ul></ul>
  22. 22. “ Pull Your Own Wagon” What grown-ups call &quot;stress&quot; is always there but when our icky feelings don't go away and we feel scared then we need to talk.  If you have been in a car accident, a hurricane or other bad weather, had a family member die or worried about terrorist, you may need some extra help and I’ll help you learn how to “Pull Your Own Wagon”.

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