The black hole of sexual dependency


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The black hole of sexual dependency

  1. 1. The "Black Hole" of Sexual DependencyI first heard the term “Black Hole” to describe Sexual Dependency from Patrick Carnes, PhD andit makes too much sense not to use it again here. What Dr. Carnes refers to is the problem of howaddicts seek to fill the emptiness inside with all things external. Sexual dependency - Like all addictions - serves 4 purposes: Addicts get High. Addicts “Numb” out. Addicts escape (by just “not being here now - feeling this way”).Or addicts avoid feelings by “acting in” and controlling their behavior – the “white knuckle” or “dry drunk.” How do they do this?"An addict can be in relationship to the object of their dependency..." the four ways mentioned through the use of sex, food, drugs, alcohol, gambling,relationship obsession, love fantasy, spending, rage, grandiose shame (depression), fixating onphysical pain - with or without medical basis, risk taking of every sort, and of course work andmoney obsessions. Are they just plain crazy? Hedonistic maybe? Crazymaking of others Certainly…When the sex or pornography addict does these things, they regress back to skills and defenseslearned early in life to survive their childhood experience – childhoods that may have beenunsafe, lonely, and painful. Addictive behaviors may have helped them survive. The good news is that they DID survive. The bad news is that the addict never learned how to LIVE!It was more important to behave a certain way to please their caregivers. Yes, the addict oftentook care of their parents needs in one way or another and learned to live as little adults inchildren’s bodies. Now they have behaved as children in adult’s bodies – this is a Problem…Sex Addicts become like the walking dead in their own homes. It’s as though the souls they oncehad have been snatched away by this overwhelming dependency. They abandon themselves justas they were abandoned, neglected or abused by others as children. Now these same survival behaviors harm and offend the people who Try so hard to love them.
  2. 2. Those same people may still love the addict but likely despise the behaviors - they may rememberthe precious human being and actually grieve his or her loss to this insanity. Could the addict honor them more with the truth rather than trying to protect them with lies? Could the sexual dependent still be loved if all were on the table?Does this sound all too familiar? I implore you to get some help and discover that you are notalone and don’t need to do it alone – you’re plenty bright, but odds are good that your judgmentis just a little impaired. Get the help! Take the risk of being known, and begin to learn how to live and not just survive! Please don’t wait. It really doesn’t just go away on its own! End the Sexual Dependency and Get the help you need. Email your questions and take a first step! Call the Sonoran Healing Center and see what we can offer. Today may be a good day to start living the rest of your life with integrity. Wouldnt it be nice to wke up each day and feel the warmth of gratitude and not the depths of shame? visit our website at or call us at 480-287-2393