Don't be that guy a collection of 60 annoying guys we all know and wish we didn't
In keeping with literary tradition, we would have likedto dedicate thisbookto our moms. However, in the first section aloneare the words“nipples,” “breasts,” “balls,” “bitch,” “shit,” “nuts,”“pussy,” “genitals,” “man-boobs,” and “go fuckyourself,”so we decided to spare everyone the overwhelming discomfort.
SPORTS & FITNESSGuys who insist on playing everything shirts & skinsGuys who are more comfortable nude at the gym than Iam at homeGuys who verbally encourage themselves whileworking outObese guys who lose to skinny guys in eatingcompetitionsGuys who know more about sports than we wish theydidGuys who work out with their girlfriendsGuys who know karate whove never kicked anyonesassGuys who still wonder how much we can benchGuys who are way too into their company softball teamGuys in steam rooms with wandering eyesGuy gym trainers with terrible bodiesGuys who bring their own pool sticks to barsSEX & RELATIONSHIPSGuys who say, “Were pregnant”Oblivious third-wheel guys
Picky wingmenGuys who keep reminding us of the time they had athreesomeGuys who insist a stripper was into themGuys who propose to their girlfriends in hot airballoonsGuys who tell us how many times they beat off lastnightGuys who include hookers in their lifetime tally of laysGuys in pornos who dont wear condomsGuys who wear T-shirts declaring their prowess withthe female anatomyIncredibly gay guys who are the last ones to know itGuys who email us porn that haunts our dreamsGROOMING, HYGIENE & FASHIONGuys with Amish beards who arent AmishGuys with startling unibrowsGuys getting manicures in broad daylightGuys with perfect perma-scruffGuys who cant stop pittingGuys who shave their ballsBalding guys who havent shaved their heads yetGuys who go to costume parties dressed as anythingadorableGuys who wear vintage clothesGuys who wear winter hats indoorsETIQUETTEGuys who over-hug
Guys who wont acknowledge their lactose intoleranceGuys who strike up conversations at urinalsPractical joke guys who mistake danger for humorGuys who try to get us to look at their giant turdsGuys who think we have a special handshake when wereally dontGuys who rub their friends’ shouldersOld guys who fart and think we dont noticeGuys who bring more than one other guy to a partyGuys who actually think they do a good robotGuys who try to get us to bet on everythingGuys who explode in public bathroomsGuys who wear sunglasses during nonprofessionalpoker gamesBARS, DRINKING & ENTERTAINMENTGuys who try to turn every activity into a drinkingactivityGuys in bars who pretend theyre readingGuys who pretend theyre having a lot more fun thanthey really areGuys who dodge paying for their round of drinksGuys who impersonate Arnold SchwarzeneggerA-holes who work the doors at clubsGuys in Vegas who insist on gambling despite beingplasteredBarbacks who stand around while we need drinksGuys who still quote The Holy Grail and/or Spinal Tap
Guys who always have a new shitty band for us tolisten toGuys who listen to Dave Matthews on purposeGuys who dance with the girls dancing on the barFINAL EXAMThe Dont Be That Guy Quiz
FOREWORDDont Be That Guy isfor anyone whosever looked acrossthe room and said, “Isit me, or is that guy a complete ass?” In these pages youll find validation thathe is, in fact, a complete ass, and feel justified in pointing and laughing at him.Youll also gain a better understanding of the friends, colleagues, boyfriends,brothers, and husbands in your lives—while dramatically improving your abilityto mockthem.This book is also for the guys themselves. The ones who make us shake ourheadsat all the annoying little thingsthey do. To all of you, consider thisbooka friendly full-length mirror: an honest little reflection to help you see thebonehead we all see in you.Now, there is one caution worth mentioning before you get started. You mayfind yourself reading along and chuckling at the ironic truth of these insights,when suddenly the laughter stops.You turn the page and see something that isnt funny at all: you.This can happen unexpectedly, and can hurt a little. But dont be alarmed,theresa whole new guy to ridicule on the next page. If, however, itsyou again…well, apparently youve got some stuff to sort out.
GUYS WHO INSIST ONPLAYING EVERYTHINGSHIRTS & SKINSWe get it. Youre very attractive. Your chest and abs arewell-defined. Your skin is tanned and, dare Isay, supple.It must be nice to live in your world, actually looking forwardto opportunities to unveil your Aryan genealogy.We, on the other hand, are pear-shaped. We have bacne,outee belly buttons, and weird nipples.Our bodies arent something were eager to showcase. Infact, it wasnt long ago that we became comfortableswimming shirtless.So lets all just take a moment to memorize our teammates’faces. There are only five of us; it shouldnt be too hard.
GUYS WHO ARE MORECOMFORTABLE NUDE AT THEGYM THAN I AM AT HOMEExactly how much of a hindrance would a towel around yourwaist be while you shave or clean your ears?Even when you weigh yourself, couldnt you just deduct apound to account for the extra weight?Ithink you could.It seems youve found yourself a nice little loophole in theanti-exhibitionism laws of our great country.Good for you, nude gym guy.And pretty freaking awful for us.
GUYS WHO VERBALLYENCOURAGE THEMSELVESWHILE WORKING OUTIts always great to see a guy offering up friendlyencouragement at the gym.Except when its to himself.An under-your-breath rep count is perfectly understandable,but heres what we dont want to hear:“Come on Jimmy, come on buddy, pump that shit, thats it,fuckin’ pump it, bitch! You feel that burn? You feel that shit?Yeah you do Jimmy! Yeah you do!!”The funny thing is, this self-pep talk would work just as wellif you think it. …But its not about that, is it, Jimmy?
OBESE GUYS WHO LOSE TOSKINNY GUYS IN EATINGCOMPETITIONSWhile there are very few benefits to being plus-sized, thereare fleeting moments of grandeur.Like when youre sitting next to an eighty-five-poundJapanese kid at a hot-dog-eating contest.There isnt an anatomical or psychological reason for you tolose here.You should win, then eat him—partly to send a message,and partly because you could still use a little something.So unless you want all those hours at Sizzler to be in vain, Isuggest you start shoveling some weenies down yourthroat.
GUYS WHO KNOW MOREABOUT SPORTS THAN WEWISH THEY DIDYour ability to retain such a wealth of information is trulyamazing. Your inability to shut your pie-hole, however, isinfuriating.No one asked how many triple-doubles LeBron had lastseason.No one asked how many touchdowns Manning threw for in2004.But you still tell us. And tell us.Hey, in the spirit of sports trivia questions, heres one foryou:Whos about to get a right uppercut to the nuts?
GUYS WHO WORK OUT WITHTHEIR GIRLFRIENDSArent you just capital “A” adorable, as you struggle throughthe most impractical exercise partnership on the planet?Hauling those forty-five-pound plates on and off the barevery two minutes.Constantly readjusting each machine to account for yourtwelve-inch height difference.Its a lot of work.Not only that, but you and Cuddlebums are on a very shortroad to Stifleville.Living, eating, and sleeping together are just about all mostrelationships can handle.
GUYS WHO KNOW KARATEWHOVE NEVER KICKEDANYONES ASSIn all the years since weve known you, we havent seen youpunch a single person, let alone brush someone off withone of those roundhouse kicks weve been hearing somuch about.All we ever see you do is stretch out. And reason withpeople.Its upsetting.Wed like to believe youre bound by some ancient code ofhonor because of your unfair advantage over opponents.But odds are leaning toward you just being a huge pussy.You paid good money to learn how to tear someoneslarynx out of his throat. Frankly, its troubling to watch yousquander it.At the very least, it wouldnt kill you to break a friggingboard in half for us.
GUYS WHO STILL WONDERHOW MUCH WE CAN BENCHTake a good look at my body.I havent picked up a free weight in about ten years, and Impretty sure you havent either.This isnt something you should be even remotely curiousabout anymore. But you are.Iknow Im in for it every time the topic of exercise comes up—you get that weird look in your eye, then you scan mytorso, make that little head nod at me, and out it comes.I promise if I stop doing water aerobics and start maxingout again, Ill let you know how Ido.
GUYS WHO ARE WAY TOOINTO THEIR COMPANYSOFTBALL TEAMLet me guess … you were a scouted high school playerand would have gotten that scholarship if you hadnt tornyour ACL in the division playoffs?Well, a couple of things have changed since then, like youbeing a middle-aged accountant now.The scouts are long gone, Im afraid, so you can stopdouble-gunning the other accountants and try to enjoy yourvery uncompetitive game of softball.The rest of us are here for one very specific reason: freebeer at the post-game bar. And the sooner you stoparguing with the volunteer ump, the sooner we can makethat happen.
GUYS IN STEAM ROOMS WITHWANDERING EYESBesides loosening our muscles, this steam is servinganother very important purpose.Its keeping us from seeing each others genitals.So when the steam cloud lifts between surges, and thefaint, hazy images of our wee-wees become all too clear,please keep your head down.In a few moments, the haze will be back and order will onceagain be restored.
GUY GYM TRAINERS WITHTERRIBLE BODIESYou know when youre encouraging me to battle throughone more crunch, and Ihesitate?Its not because Im tired. Its because Im staring at yourenormous spare tire wondering why the hell Im takingexercise advice from Grimace.Give me one good reason why I shouldnt do the exactopposite of what you tell me.Because as it stands now with your man-boobs dangling inmy face, Im not feeling it.
GUYS WHO BRING THEIROWN POOL STICKS TO BARSTheres really only one thing to say here:You better be fucking amazing at pool.Im not talking beat-your-friends amazing, Im talking trick-shots-with-flaming-rings amazing.Honestly, what do you think were thinking while you screwthat thing together and chalk up your hands?Ill tell you: “Please, Lord, let him rip the felt on his break.”Something possessed you to leave your house carrying along, leather-sheathed case.For your sake, Ihope its talent.
GUYS WHO SAY,“WERE PREGNANT”This is no different than you getting kicked in the nuts andyour wife telling everyone, “We just got kicked in the nuts,”while youre curled up on the ground.Even though you think she likes hearing you say “we,” deepdown she resents it.Why?Maybe its because shes the one wholl be passing ahuman through her tiny vagina, and youre the one wholl bestanding next to her eating Twizzlers.So remember, your wifes the one whos pregnant.Youre just the one who did it to her.
OBLIVIOUSTHIRD-WHEEL GUYSNo matter how witty and fascinating your yarns may be, theinevitable fact remains that youre not getting any tonight.Its far too late to turn this ship around. You went fromwingman to creepy guy about two hours ago.So please, make this beer your last and let your friend get iton before the sun comes up.In the event youre actually holding out for a threesome, thefollowing graphic illustrates the likelihood of this occurring.
PICKY WINGMENBy definition, a wingman is a guy who keeps another girloccupied while his friend makes his move.Also by definition, you dont get to choose who you keepoccupied.Sometimes it works out nicely for you too, and thats a funlittle bonus.Other times, shell have a mullet and arm hair like RobinWilliams.And thats okay, because tonight your needs aresecondary. So bat those eyelashes and get to work.
GUYS WHO KEEP REMINDINGUS OF THE TIME THEY HAD ATHREESOMEWe were happy for you the first time you told us this storyeight years ago, but now we want to choke you every timeyou find an excuse to bring it up.The Three Amigos comes on cable and whammo, werelistening to how you couldnt tell whose legs were whosethat night because it was so “crazy.”Perhaps you dont feel like youve rubbed it in properly, but Ican assure you that you have.You crossed a line that we will never cross.Now please let us enjoy our stupid single-partner sex inpeace.
GUYS WHO INSIST ASTRIPPER WAS INTO THEMWhy do you insist on putting us through the same painfulspeech every time we leave a strip club?“You guys, this time was totally different, I swear, Imtelling you it was weird, this girl gave me like two freedances and was totally giving me the vibe….”First off, everything you say until your raging hard-ondisappears is in question, but lets go ahead and break thisdown anyway. While it was, in fact, noteworthy that shegave you two free dances, lets not forget that you paid forseventeen. That, my friend, is not the mark of someone whowas into you, but that of a true professional. Of course weall dream of making free, sweet love to a stripper, but thefact remains that you were too dizzied by the haze ofcoconut body spray to realize she was actually just doingher job. So please stop this “connection” nonsense; lets alljust hit the ATM again, get some eggs, and reminisceabout the fake sex we just paid for.
GUYS WHO PROPOSE TOTHEIR GIRLFRIENDS IN HOTAIR BALLOONSNot only is this a slap in the face to those of us makingground proposals, but youve screwed yourself in theprocess.Your little aerial stunt has set the romantic-cliché barextremely high for the remainder of your relationship.So get ready to ride white horses on her birthday, swimwith dolphins on Valentines Day, and adopt a Laotian babyon your anniversary.Shes expecting some crazy-ass shit for the rest of yourlives together, and its all your fault.
GUYS WHO TELL US HOWMANY TIMES THEY BEAT OFFLAST NIGHTIn the spirit of confessions, heres one for you:Idont like it when you talk to me about masturbating.It makes me feel weird.Honestly, what reaction do you think youre going to get outof anyone besides nausea?Weve all had our big nights, so to speak, but somepersonal triumphs should remain, well, personal.
GUYS WHO INCLUDEHOOKERS IN THEIR LIFETIMETALLY OF LAYSNope.Inherent in the definition of “lay” is some semblance ofconquest. Some effort on your part other than reaching intoyour wallet.Even if you recall a particularly tender moment during arendezvous with a pro, that still doesnt shift her into the“civilian sex” column.It puts her into the “tender prostitute sex” column.So the next time youre throwing your head back in searchof a total, weed out the women you remember going to anATM with afterward.
GUYS IN PORNOS WHO DONTWEAR CONDOMSYou look pretty happy for someone whos dying soon.I dont think I need to tell you this, but youve made a terribledecision.Im sure you got some pressure from the director to gobareback, but lets remember this was the same man whofed you the line:“You want some more of this pork hammer?”So consider the source.And now after all your hard work, you probably wont evenlive to see Clit Parade 6 hit the silver screen.
GUYS WHO WEAR T-SHIRTSDECLARING THEIR PROWESSWITH THE FEMALE ANATOMYWow, you must be the “Pussy Invader.” Its nice to meet you.If only the irony of this clothing choice wasnt lost on you.The mere fact that you wear this shirt tells us that you are aninvader of nothing, least of all pussy.Not that you should wear a “Virgin Questioning HisSexuality” shirt, but a nice blank tee from the Gap never hurtanyone.A few more you shouldnt wear anymore:
INCREDIBLY GAY GUYS WHOARE THE LAST ONES TOKNOW ITYou have a mustache.You make scones.You say, “You go, girl.”You bang dudes.This is the real thing, my friend. The real McCoy.Its time to let yourself in on it, because everyone elsealready is.Your wife and kids arent throwing anyone off your scent,and neither is your deluxe ESPN package.Youre a very gay man.So kick that closet door down and tell the world.Just dont be upset when no one gasps.
GUYS WHO EMAIL US PORNTHAT HAUNTS OUR DREAMSYour name pops up in our inbox and it can only mean onething: were seconds away from watching a transvestitefuck a seal.Of course, its ultimately our decision to watch it or not.Were adults.We could choose not to see German twins make numbertwo on each other.But when its right there, just a click away, we must.Over the years, you have shown me things I wish I neverknew existed, and robbed me of my sweet innocence in theprocess.For that, sir, Iwill never forgive you.
GUYS WITH AMISH BEARDSWHO ARENT AMISHThis isnt a good look for the Amish and it certainly isnt agood look for you.Of all the things to borrow from the residents of LancasterCounty, their beard was a terrible choice.What about their work ethic or their family values? Bothadmirable qualities you could have just as easily adopted.Iguess we should all be thankful you didnt go with the hats.
GUYS WITH STARTLINGUNIBROWSYour priorities are beyond mere physical appearance and Irespect that. But its time to reprioritize and get that crazything off your face.This isnt a few connecting hairs youre dealing with, this isa full-blown Bert and Ernie catastrophe.You have to be tired of peoples eye contact slipping awayduring conversations, drifting upward, locking in on yourbrowpillar.The day has come, my swarthy friend, to restore that vitalstrip of skin real estate, and your dignity in the process.
GUYS GETTING MANICURESIN BROAD DAYLIGHTYou see me … Iknow you see me.Yoo-hoo … right here in the window. Look at me.Look up from your nail treatment and look at me.This is bad.What youre doing is very bad. Very shameful.You know how Iknow?Because you wont look at me.
GUYS WITH PERFECT PERMA-SCRUFFMan, it looks like you just didnt have a chance to shave thelast couple of days, huh? Its been rough with all the latenights and threesomes, right?Wrong.You, sir, have labored over this scruff. You have carefullysculpted it. Contoured it. Groomed it to look like you dontcare, when in fact you do care.You care very much.Youve put way more time into this Wham! look than a guywho actually shaves every morning.So while youre looking off into space, rubbing your bristlychin, just know that we know.
GUYS WHO CANT STOPPITTINGTheres an entire aisle in the drugstore devoted to armpits.Surely theres some combination of products to stop thosetwo Rorschach blots from seeping through both of yourshirts.Im not picking on your hormones—clearly your pH balanceis out of whack.But please do us the favor of pursuing a cure.You owe us that.And in the meantime, well do our best to maintain eyecontact with you when you lift up your arms.
GUYS WHO SHAVETHEIR BALLSThere is one thing I can assure you of with the utmostconfidence: your balls are not even a little bit moreattractive after you shave them.You could paint little hearts all over them and dip them inglitter and theyd still be the ugliest part of the humananatomy.Bringing a blade near them could very well be the mostpointless and hazardous expression of vanity since theChinese invented foot binding.Trust me, in the end no girl is going to think, “Mmm, lookhow smooth that guys balls are.”Shes going to think, “Eww, balls. Eww, shaved balls.”
BALDING GUYS WHOHAVENT SHAVED THEIRHEADS YETYoure really missing an enormous opportunity to not lookterrible anymore.Fate is throwing you a huge bone here. For probably thefirst time ever, the bald look is actually in fashion, yet forsome reason you insist on this clownlike homage to the1970s.Think about it, just five minutes with a pair of clippers couldsilence the laughter—and maybe even get you back intothe dating pool for another go at it.
GUYS WHO GO TO COSTUMEPARTIES DRESSED ASANYTHING ADORABLEThis is very simple.Anything with whiskers is off-limits.Anything with big floppy ears and/or a tail is off-limits.You might think your cuddly-wuddly stunt is going to get youlaid, but think again. You are oozing with neediness.While women can sometimes be tough to read, theres onething you can be sure of:None of them wants to bang a mouse.
GUYS WHO WEARVINTAGE CLOTHESThere were reasons Don Knotts didnt get laid, and yourewearing them.If it were October 31, Id say knock your socks off, but itisnt. Its just another day of us all trying to pretend you dontlook dumb.Oh, and before you go bragging about the $4 price tag onthat 35-year-old pair of pants, remember its going to costtwice that much to dry-clean the antique skidmarks from itsfibers.
GUYS WHO WEAR WINTERHATS INDOORSYou must be pretty chilly, huh? Good thing you got that littlewool cap to go over your head.Quick question: if youre so cold, then why are yousweating? I can see little beads welling up under your cutefurry brim.Wait a second, youre not cold after all. Youre warm. Dare Isay, uncomfortably warm. You just cant bear to part withhow adorable you look in that little beanie.You will swelter through this entire day just to ensure thatyour pouty lips are accentuated.Wow, thats some vain-ass shit.
GUYS WHO OVER-HUGWhen Iget married, feel free to throw your arms around me.When I have a child, by all means, wrap me into your chest.These are milestones that warrant such a gesture ofaffection. When Icome over for poker, however, dont. Dontyou dare.In fact, heres a list to refer to when youre unsure:
GUYS WHO WONTACKNOWLEDGE THEIRLACTOSE INTOLERANCEWhen you lay an egg that clears out a room right after youeat a yogurt, youre lactose intolerant and you need to takea pill to correct it.When you grab a slice, then minutes later see us grabbingour mouths, again, youre lactose intolerant and you need tosee a doctor.You seem to have forgotten that ice cream cones arentsupposed to cause labor-like cramps and sweating.Theyre supposed to make you smile and giggle.No more “Sorry, I dont know whats wrong with me” crap.Because Ido.Youre lactose intolerant.So please, show some well-overdue respect for yourcondition and your friends and lay off the goddamned dairy.
GUYS WHO STRIKE UPCONVERSATIONS ATURINALSWould it kill you to ride out these sixty seconds in silence?Personally, my goal in here is simple: to relieve myself andexit before the barn-like stench overcomes me.Under different circumstances, Id be more than happy tochat with you—like, for example, when were not bothholding our nude penises.If the boredom is really getting to you, try playing “Chase thePube™” around the urinal with your stream—a nice, privateway to kill some time. (See illustration on the next page.)
PRACTICAL JOKE GUYS WHOMISTAKE DANGER FORHUMORWould it be funny if you stuck Krazy glue all over Rickspillow?No, it wouldnt, because Rick would probably die.Theres a not-so-fine line between humorous and horrifyingthat you seem unable to distinguish, otherwise you wouldntbe asking me if you should mail that dead sheeps head toyour teacher.Yet another lighthearted prank Im going to have to vote noon.
GUYS WHO TRY TO GET USTO LOOK AT THEIR GIANTTURDSLook, weve all birthed a toilet child before. Weve all stoodback and marveled at our bovine accomplishments. But wedid it alone, as the Lord intended.Youve got some gall coming out of the bathroom like that,urging a viewing as if wed be the weird ones if we turnedyou down.Fast forward to what that scene would be like if we actuallyfollowed you back in there.You, standing over the bowl, pointing out measurementsand topographical features. And us, peering over yourshoulder with kerchiefs over our mouths like rookiedetectives at a crime scene trying to suppress our gagreflexes.Feel free to stay in there as long as you want—poke it,weigh it, photograph it—whatever youre into.But this is one moment of pride youre going to have tobask in solo.
GUYS WHO THINK WE HAVE ASPECIAL HANDSHAKE WHENWE REALLY DONTDont lay some fist-finger-snap combo on me and expectme to fall in sync with you.Weve never done this before. In fact, you and I barely evenshake hands. Its usually just a simple nod or “Whats up?”So whats with the five-finger dance all of a sudden?Not to discourage your little burst of street flair, but if weregoing to pull this off, you really need to walk me through itfirst. Just because youve been watching The Wire doesntmean the rest of us have.
GUYS WHO RUB THEIRFRIENDS’ SHOULDERSLet me be the first to say, this feels really nice. But let mealso say, you shouldnt do it anymore.Yes, your fingers are meaty and strong and, yes, Ive been abit tense lately, but it still doesnt make it right.Here I am just thinking youre coming over for an innocenthigh-five, and then bam!Its man-on-man shiatsu time.While Im 95% sure youre doing this in a friendship/unclesort of way, its that 5% that keeps it from being trulyenjoyable …And makes me wonder if youre sniffing my hair while youreback there.
OLD GUYS WHO FART ANDTHINK WE DONT NOTICEI believe that you cant hear yourself break wind anymore. Ialso buy that youve lost the ability to smell how atrocious itis. But you have to know we can see you lift your leg upevery time.All is fair in the haze of geriatric anonymity, but whenpeople under eighty are around and you rip one, everyoneknows it.We hear it. We smell it. We taste it.Because sadly, the years have not only dulled your senses,theyve seasoned your colon to toxic levels.
GUYS WHO BRING MORETHAN ONE OTHER GUY TO APARTYIf this had been an invitation to a pick-up football game,then youd be a hero right now. But it wasnt, so lets use ourheads here.Youve sent this nicely balanced party spiraling into a Code5 Sausagefest just so you could have a couple of moreguys to high-five during the night.This is the logic of a crazy person.So lets go ahead and put a two-man capper on all coedsoirees from here on in. Not only will you have a better time,youll greatly reduce your chances of waking up in the armsof another dude.
GUYS WHO ACTUALLY THINKTHEY DO A GOOD ROBOTTheres a look in your eye that isnt saying, “Hey, isnt thisfunny?”Its saying, “Hey, isnt this weirdly machine-like?”You cant hide what youre feeling. You are mechanical.Your limbs have steel joints.Your secret talent has finally been unleashed, right here atthis wedding.Unfortunately, from where were standing, you look less likea robot and more like an extremely uncoordinated humanbeing.Possibly with some sort of muscular-system disorder.
GUYS WHO TRY TO GET USTO BET ON EVERYTHINGCan you make that shot from your cubicle into thewastebasket?Probably not.Do we want to bet $5 on it?No. No, we dont.Can you get that girls number over there?Maybe.Do we want to wager a cool Hamilton on it?Again, no.Sorry that regular life isnt giving you the rush youre after,but these arent things we want to watch, let alone bet on.Honestly, were dreading the day you have to hitch a ride towork because you lost your car in a game of “guess whichhand.”
GUYS WHO EXPLODE INPUBLIC BATHROOMSAs men, were not held to the same code of decency aswomen, and we should celebrate that.But not like this.If the human body is capable of such feats as fightingdisease and creating new life, it can certainly control theforce with which we poo.Unless your last meal was at a taqueria in Guadalajara,when you explode on a toilet, its because you want to.And while you remain anonymous behind that stall door, Ihope you still feel some shame from the fecal concertoyoure subjecting us to.
GUYS WHO WEARSUNGLASSES DURINGNONPROFESSIONAL POKERGAMESIn a game where half of us cant remember if a flush beats afull house, what are the chances that your swelling corneasare giving away your bluff?This isnt Vegas; this is my basement. Hence, the twenty-five-cent blinds and the fact that the woman you saw onyour way in was my mom.Its also kind of infuriating how you keep picking up thewrong colored chips and knocking over your beer becauseyou cant see.So how about you take those things off, thank my mom forthe Hot Pockets she just brought downstairs, and we can allget back to winning less than a dollar off each other?
GUYS WHO TRY TO TURNEVERY ACTIVITY INTO ADRINKING ACTIVITYCatching a buzz before we head to the museum doesntsound like a good idea at all.Throwing back a few before our bike ride sounds like aneven worse one.Im not sure what added enjoyment you glean from theseevents by being pickled, but Iam sure about one thing.Somebodys an alcoholic.
GUYS IN BARS WHOPRETEND THEYRE READINGThe jigs up, fellas. We know youre not really reading.You cant be; its too dark.It is light enough, however, to see you looking up to makesure people see you “reading.”If you think literature is a big hook with women, then maybeyou should try talking to a girl about a book instead ofreading one in front of her.Clearly, there are better ways to exude the intellectual vibewithout bringing props with you, or at least places whereyou wont look like youre trying so hard.Like the library. Or France.
GUYS WHO PRETENDTHEYRE HAVING A LOTMORE FUN THAN THEYREALLY ARESo youre the fun guy.The one everyone in your crew counts on to keep thingsfestive.The guy who needs no direct stimulus to warrant anynumber of inappropriate outbursts.Painful classics like “Boo-yah!” and “Lets do this!”Nothing happened to justify this enthusiasm. Theres nogame on TV, and by the looks of things, none of yourfriends said anything all that exciting.Youre having a very mediocre time.You know it and we know it.
GUYS WHO DODGE PAYINGFOR THEIR ROUND OFDRINKSWe know thats not a real cell phone conversation yourehaving. Your phone didnt ring, vibrate, or light up.Were also very aware of your conveniently timed trips tothe bathroom and nonchalant drifts over to the jukeboxwhen your round is up.Youre as transparent as your friends’ empty glasses.And honestly, how many times do you think you can getaway with your famous “Shit, they dont take credit cardshere?” schtick.Your pettiness is undermining the entire Round System aswe know it.So before you throw the entire thing off, why not go aheadand pony up for a round?Its a small price to pay for friendship.
GUYS WHO IMPERSONATEARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGEREveryone loves a good impression.Everyone hates a guy who impersonates Arnold.Why? Because it takes no skill.It is hands down the easiest impression on the face of theearth.My seven-year-old nephew does a good Arnold.My mom does a good Arnold.So do everyone a favor and drop the Aaanuld.Youll be amazed at how much more everyone likes you.
A-HOLES WHO WORK THEDOORS AT CLUBSTo all you Vin Diesel-looking, fake earpiece-wearing,power-trip dickheads, shamelessly ignoring hundreds ofguys every night—just know this:Someday youre going to be on the other side of thatenchanted velvet rope, and unless youve got a pair ofdouble Ds hidden underneath that Armani T-shirt, youmight want to grab a magazine. Its going to be awhile.
GUYS IN VEGAS WHO INSISTON GAMBLING DESPITEBEING PLASTEREDIts 4:00 a.m. Your shirt is damp and theres a schmear ofglitter across your forehead. You stumble to a blackjacktable and slap down a wad of crumpled cash, a mint, someloose tobacco, and a rubber. You order a White Russianfrom a passing waitress, who turns out to be, in fact, not awaitress, or an employee of the casino, or a woman. Youthen proceed to treat your tablemates to a mind-bogglingexposé of math, strategy, and fine sensory motor skills,some highlights of which include: pensively staring ateighteens deciding if you should take a card, making handgestures that resemble neither “hit” nor “stay,” andproviding a spirited commentary on the dealers hand—“That is fucking bullshit … Juan! Fucking nineteen, youcocksucker!”As for us, well, in addition to dealer blackjack, were forcedto add “getting vomited on” to our list of fears for theevening.
BARBACKS WHO STANDAROUND WHILE WE NEEDDRINKSAre you absolutely sure you cant get us a drink? Becauseyou look perfectly qualified.You also look like youve got some time on your hands,because youre just standing there looking at us.If the answer is definitely no, then could you do us all a favorand not dress exactly like the bartenders?Put on an orange vest or something, because right now wewant to pound on you.
GUYS WHO STILL QUOTE THEHOLY GRAIL AND/OR SPINALTAPLike you, I enjoyed these movies very much. And, like you,Ive seen several hundred movies since then.Which begs the question that surely some shred ofdialogue between the early 1980s and now is worthy ofreplacing “This one goes to eleven.”Some actor between when Ford was president and nowmust have said something funnier than “Its only a fleshwound.”If you were paying attention, youd notice that as the yearshave passed, people laugh less every time you use theselines.Even with your cute British accent.
GUYS WHO ALWAYS HAVE ANEW SHITTY BAND FOR USTO LISTEN TOHave Iheard of the Gracious Baboons?No, I cant say that I have, but Im sure you have a CD oftheirs you want me to listen to.What joy do you take in scouring the nether regions of themusic industry for the most obscure garbage out there?Youre 0 for 20 so far, so why dont we take a break from allthis nonsense and listen to some Billy Joel for awhile?
GUYS WHO LISTEN TO DAVEMATTHEWS ON PURPOSEIts one thing to get caught off guard with the radio on andfind yourself busting out a little falsetto during “Satellite.”Its another thing entirely when youre listening to him bychoice.Honestly, even Dave Matthews would think thats weird.His music is very specifically written for women. His lyricsare for women. His melodies are for women.Young women with budding breasts and SATs to study for.
GUYS WHO DANCE WITH THEGIRLS DANCING ON THE BARIm curious what your next move is … to walk in on me whileIm watching a porno?What makes you think we want to see you with your hat onsideways, smack dab in the middle of our fantasy?Just one rotation of your cabbage-patch has sent a ripple offlaccidity through this entire club.These girls were kind enough to provide us with somemasturbatory fodder and your skinny Eminem ass just killedit.
Colin NissanWriterColin Nissan is a freelance advertising copywriter living in Brooklyn, New York.He is also a guy, a gender that has provided him with two things: one, analarming amount of body hair. And two, the ability to perceive highlyunflattering insightsinto hisown kind. Insightsthat have all been compiled intoone book, which will likely destroy most of his friendships. Some of Colins lesshurtful writing can be found on McSweeneys Internet Tendency, among otherplaces.Email Colin —email@example.com
Sean FarrellIllustratorSean Farrell isa freelance advertising art director living in San Francisco. Sean enjoysmany art forms, such asdrawing and painting. Hisinitial idea wasto sculpt the guysinthis book. While ambitious, this idea was also very dumb. Thankfully, he was able tosell hisnew kiln on eBay and buy some pens. Some of Seansother handiworkcan beseen in hisline of greeting cards, Bald Guy Greetings.Email Sean —firstname.lastname@example.org
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