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Hindsight To The Future

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Hindsight To The Future

  1. 1. ments still standing about; they reopened the many erections and saved them from attacks by collections of artworks that had long seemed so the Philipines. uniformly dull that nobody went near them. Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships They distinguished styles and the different ages with her face. The Trojan War raged between of their emergence-in short, they found a past the Greeks and the Tories. We know about and used it to create a new present. Fortunate- this thanks to Homer's story about Ulysses Iy, they were bad imitators (except for a few Grant and Iliad, the painful wife he left be- and their twisted view of their pedants), hind. King Xerox of Persia invaded Greace, but sources laid the foundation of our nascent-or fell off short at the battle of Thermosalami. perhaps one should say, renascent---eulture. It Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt, has resurrected enthusiasm in the young and and Japan. Sadly, he died with no hairs. Reli- talented, who keep exclaiming what a joy it is gion was polyphonic. Featured were gods such to be alive. as Herod, Mars, and Juice. The Greeks were important at culture and It need hardly be pointed out that this anony- science. Plato invented reality. The Sophists mous author's extravaganza did not represent any justified themselves by changing relatives body of contemporary opinion, only his own. Nor whenever this needed to be done. Lust was a can it be ascertained when and on what grounds his must for the Epicureans. U. Clid proved that vision of the future occurred to him. there is more than one side to every plain. Pythagasaurus fathered the triangle. Archimedes made the first steamboat and power drill. Rome was founded sometime by Uncle Re- mus and Wolf. Roman upperclassmen de- [Account] manded to be known as Patricia. Senators HINDSIGHT INTO THE wore purple tubas as a sign of respect. Sparta- FUTURE cus led a slave revolt and later was in a movie about this. The Roman republic was bothered by intestinal wars. Cesar inspired his men by From quot;A History of the Past, Part II,quot; a narrative stating, quot;1 came, I saw, I went.quot; He was assi- compiled by Anders Henriksson from statements nated on the Yikes of March, when he found in student papers over the last fifteen years; is reported to have said, quot;Me too, his first such composition, quot;Life Reeked with]oy,quot; Brutus!quot; A was published in 1983. Henriksson is a professor of history at Shepherd College, in Shepherdstou}n, tidul wave of Goths, Huns, Zulus, and West Virginia. The essay appeared in the Winter others impacted Rome. Athena the Hun ram- of The Wilson Quarterly. issue paged the Balkans as far as France. Society was crumpity. Neo-Platonists celebrated the joys of self-abuse. When they finally got to From the secondary sources we are given hind- Italy, the Australian Goths were tired of plun- sight into the future. Hindsight, after aU, is caused gering and needed to rest. A German soldier by a lack of foresight. put Rome in a sack. During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark. Medeval society was arranged like a tree, Civilization woozed out of the Nile about with your nobles in the upper twigs and your 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river that had some water in it. Every year it would flood pes ants grubbing around the roots. This was known as the manurial system, where land was and irritate the land. Mesapatamia was squigged in a valley near the Eucaliptus river. passed through fathers to sons by primogenu- flecture. Power belonged to a patriarchy em- Flooding was erotic. [udvisrn was the first powering all genders except the female. Nuns, monolithic religion. Old Testament profits in- for example, were generally women. In the ear- clude Moses, Amy, and Confucius, who be- ly part of the Middle Ages female nuns were lieved in Fidel Piety. Moses was told by Jesus free to commit random acts of contrition and Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the redemption. Later they were forcibly enclus- Sahara Desert. The Book of Exodus describes tered in harems. Russia was run over by Batu this trip and the amazing things that happened on it, including the Ten Commandments, vari- Cohen and crushed under the Mongol yolk. Certain tribes of India practiced voodoo innu- ous special effects, and the building of the Suez endo. The Crusades, meanwhile, enlarged op- Canal. David was a fictional character in the portunities for travel. Bible who faught with Gilgamesh while wear- Historians today feel that the renaissance ing a sling. He pleased the people with his J~9120 2000 HARPER'S MAGAZINE / APRIL
  2. 2. My Squid Suit Brings Isolation, by Brad Eberhard. Eberhard's work will be on display next month at the Bang Studio in Hollywood, California. was the result of medevil people being fertal- The American colonists lived on a conti- nent and England was an island. Thus the ized by events. Italy was pregnent with huge ideas and great men. Machiavelli, who was of- Americans wanted independence. Benjamin Franklin, already famous as inventor of the ten unemployed, wrote The Prince to get a Job with Richard Nixon. Ivan the Terrible started light bulb, persuaded French King George III to help the U.S.A. life as a child, a fact thar troubled his later The French Revolution was like a tractor. personality. This was a time when Europeans It gave people the understanding that you felt the need to reach out and smack some- one. Ferdinand and Isabella conquered Gra- need change in order to make tracks in the world. The Third Estate was locked out of its nola, a part of Spain now known as Mexico motel and had to do its business on a tennis and the Gulf States. Columbus came to court. Another problem was that France was America in order to install rule by dead white full of French people. Revolters demanded lib- males over the native peoples. There was an increase in climate during the erty, equality, and fraternities. Fraternity breeded pride in the nation and therefore eighteenth century. Agriculture fed more people as crop yields became lower. These thicker political boundaries. In 1799, Napoleon performed a coo. Napo- were factors in the better times to come. The Scientific Revolution developed a suppository ~ leon fertilized all his life. of knowledge which greatly helped later gener- ~he Industrial Revolution was slow at first ations. Copernicus showed that the solar sys- tem rotates around the earth. Sir Issac Newton due to the lack of factories. Great progress was made through the introduction of self-acting invented the newton. Locke taught that life was a fabula rasa. mules. Telephones were not available-com- ~~Q122 HARPER'S MAGAZINE / APRIL 2000
  3. 3. treaties after World War I all came horne to munication went by mouth to mouth or roast. Japan boomed Pearl Harbor, the main telegram. The airplane was invented and first U.S. base in southern California. The Allies flown by the Marx brothers. The social struc- landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced ture was Upper Class, Middle Class, Working up her leg. Stalin, Rosevelt, Churchill, and Class, and Lowest Poor Scum. Nobles claimed Truman were known as quot;The Big Three.quot; to be descended from better jeans. British pater- Hitler, who had become depressed for some nalists were motivated by quot;noblesse oblique.quot; reason, crawled under Berlin. Here he had his Certain members of the lower middle class ex- wife Evita put to sleep and then shot himself in hibited boudoir pretensions. The slums became the banker. brooding grounds for lower class unrest. World War II became the Cold War, be- In Russia, the Decembrists attempted a coup cause Benjamin Franklin Roosevelt did not du jour. Mazzini was a conservative liberal so- trust Lenin and Stalin. An ironed curtin fell cialist who founded a revolutionary group known as quot;Little Italy.quot; Pope Leo XIII is across the haunches of Europe. Berlin was air- lifted westward and divided into pieces. Israel known as the author of Rectum Novarum, a was founded despite the protests of local book of conservative ideas. Another man to influence the state and others was Kark Marx, Arabs known as Zionists. The Marsha Plan put Europe back together with help from Kon- who advanced diabolical materialism. His ideas about revolution, condos, and supermen rad Adenauer, a French leader whose efforts intrigued many. led to the creation of the Cornrnu- rJquot; Prostitution, considered to be the world's nist Market. oldest profession, got its beginnings in the .the British Empire has entered a state of nineteenth century. Sex in this period was a very quiet ordeal. Feminists argued that sex recline. Its colonies have slowly dribbled outside the family would make you go blind or away, leaving only the odd speck on the map. Mohammed Gandi, for example, was the last lose your memory. Leaders of the women's British ruler of India. In 1921, he cast off his movement included Florence Nightengail, Su- western clothes and dawned a loincloth. This san B. Anthony, and Crystal Pancake. Burt Einstein developed the theory of rela- was a good way to get through to people. The tivism. Marie Curie won the Noel prize for in- French Empire, on the other hand, fell into venting the radiator. Writers expressed them- total term-oil as they clutched painfully at re- selves with cymbals. Cubism, splatterism, etc., maining colonies in Argentina and the Far East. became the rage. Most English believed in the missionary po- South Africa followed quot;Apart Hide,quot; a pol- sition. Admiral Dewey sank the Spanish Ar- icy that separated people by skin color. Actu- ally, the fall of empires has been a good mada in Vanilla Bay. The Russo-Japanese War exploded between Japan and Italy. The thing, because it gives more people a chance German takeover of All-Sauce Lorrain en- to exploit their own people without outside raged the French, who clamored for vendetta. interference. The U.S.S.R. and U.S.A. became global in In 1914, the assignation of Archduke Ferd- man gave sweet relief to the mounting power, but Europe remained incontinent. tensions. Wars fought in the 1950s and after include When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 the Crimean War, Vietnam, and the Six- many people were left to political incineration. Minute War. President John F. Kennedy Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into extra- worked closely with the Russians to solve the terrestrialism. Hitler believed in a Panned Get- Canadian Missile Crisis. Yugoslavia's Toto many and therefore insisted that Czechoslavia became a no n-eve n tu a l is t communist. release the Sedated Germans into his care. Hochise Min mounted the power curve in England's rulers vanely hoped for quot;peas in our Viet Nam. Castro led a coupe in Cuba and timequot; but were completed foddled by Hitler. shocked many by wiggling his feelers every Lennon ruled in Russia. When he died, the time there was trouble in Latin America. U.S.S.R. was run by a five-man triumpherate- This required the United States to middle in Stalin, Lenin, Trotsky, Menshevik, and selected bandana republics during the 1960s. Buchanan. Stalin expanded capitalism by Mentally speaking, Russia had to reinvent it- building machine tractor stations. When self. Gorbachev became top Russian after the things didn't go as planned, he used the peas- death of Leoned Bolshevik. ants as escape goats. The historicle period ended shortly after Few were surprised when the National World War II-III. We, in all humidity, are the League failed to prevent another world war. people of currant times. This concept grinds The perverbial chickens laid by the poor peace our critical, seething minds to a halt. READINGS 23

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