ASTROGNOME!EPISODE ONE: CALL OF THE RAZORBEAST by Michael Hill teamastrognome.wordpress.com
1PROLOGUE - TELEVISION COMMERCIALS – P.O.V. OF DAVISThere is a black screen for a second. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Brought to you by-Powerful, yet benevolent music plays. A sleek, industrial-age logoappears on screen. The form suggests an orb of strength and protection,like two powerful, muscled arms joining together in a cradling position.The circular shape incorporates the letters G and C. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Giantcore...For over six ages, showing you what you need, giving you what you want...Giantcore... Trust in our strength. DAVIS (O.S.) Pause, Napoleon.The image of the gleaming logo freezes. DAVIS (O.S.) Increase glow Eleven percent.The ambient light radiating from behind the logo slightly increases. DAVIS (O.S) Proceed.The logo is animated again. Analysis, Napoleon. NAPOLEON (O.S.) (In a somewhat artificial, yet pleasant tone.) Confidence...Power...Control.
2 DAVIS (O.S.) (sighs a little) Yes, a subtle reminder to us all. Proceed to next advertisement, Napoleon.A doctor in a white lab coat is standing in front of a sterile whiteback-drop, looking toward the camera. DOCTOR Are your genes stretching a little thin?Cut to an interview-style shot of an attractive, twenty-five-year-oldwoman in stylish clothes and make-up. A graphic on the bottom of thescreen identifies her as "Cynthia: Looks old." CYNTHIA Sometimes...Ill be out with my daughter...And I can tell, strangers just look at me and know...that Im her mother. Its embarrassing.Cut to a black-and-white shot of Cynthia and a teenage girl, aboutseventeen-years-old. The two are dressed in similar Barbie-style fashion.They are having a friendly run-in with someone on the side-walk.The mother looks awkward and insecure.Cut back to the doctor addressing the viewer. DOCTOR Dont worry anymore, Cynthia.Cynthia pops into a little box in the bottom right-hand corner of thedoctors frame. She is looking up at him as if she can see him. Sheslistening, interested.
3 DOCTOR Youre absolutely right. If youre not completely satisfied with your body, then something is wrong. You deserve better, and thats why we at La Patisserie Medical are so excited. New advances in gene-therapy have revolutionized the field. Isnt that right...Cynthia?Cynthia in the box disappears. Two smiling teenage girls step ontoscreen. DOCTOR Whoa howdy, Cynthia--you look fantastic! CYNTHIA Like myself! DOCTOR And this fine young lady must be your daughter? (motions toward 2nd Girl) 2ND GIRL (in a voice and accent like the really old woman on the show „Golden-Girls‟) Im huh muthah! DOCTOR (to camera) Uh oh, guys, get a load of Grandma!
4 DAVIS (O.S.) Pause, Napoleon.The figures on screen freeze. DAVIS (V.O.) Enhance voice: Mother. Sixty-five percent sex appeal, thirty-percent seduction. Apply mood-template ninety-one: Easy and Willing.The frame jumps back a few seconds and plays. 2ND GIRL (sexy, girlish voice) Im her mother... DOCTOR (to camera) Uh oh, guys, get a load of Grandma! Would you like to learn more? Just look into the Holotron and say the words "Lets get real" and my team of cosmetic specialists will instantly appear at your door. Order your treatment within the next ten seconds and well change your cat into a dog, absolutely free!A nearly solid block of fine legalese appears on the screen, with noparagraph breaks, spaces or margins. The print is so tiny, it seems morelike a lens-filter than communication. DAVIS (O.S.) It will do, Napoleon. Next ad.Energetic banjo music plays. A montage of people at a county-fair-typeevent begins.We hear a slight groan from Davis.
5 ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (enthusiastic, folksy tone) This Friday through Sunday- Come on down to the Dresdon Sector Fair! See the birth of A real-live Dune-Ape!The Dune-Apes are stocky humanoids, draped in ragged cloths, much like theSand People of Star-Wars. A male Dune-Ape is holding the hand of a femaleas she suffers a birthing-contraction. She is laying on some scatteredstraw, with her head propped-up against a small, square bale. They are inan eight-by-eight-foot paneled enclosure. Parents and Grandparents aremeandering by, holding their gawking children by the hand. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Youth Organ Farming competition!Cut to a ten-year-old boy, proudly clutching a giant, engorged humanliver, the size of a small beach-ball. It pulses slightly. A Blue Ribbonis pinned on. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And did we mention the rides? Experience death itself, come back different! On the „Flat-Line Express!‟Cut to a woman laying unconscious on a medical table with an IV in herarm. There is a heart-monitor beside her. An oily carnie is observingthe monitor, with one hand on a big lever, similar to the throw-switch ofa roller coaster. A line of people stands waiting.The commercial is interrupted by a somewhat disgusted Davis. DAVIS (O.S.) Good enough. Next ad, please, Napoleon.
6A silver-haired, handsome man in a nice suit is sitting in a comfybusiness lounge-chair, leaning forward attentively with his hands folded.He seems to be about sixty years old.Somewhat seriously, he addresses the camera. PITCH-MAN Are you stuck in a rut? ...Tired of compromising everything? DAVIS (O.S.) Napoleon, pause. Identify product. NAPOLEON (O.S.) Product: Unknown. DAVIS (O.S.) Hmm? Proceed. PITCH-MAN --Relentlessly exploiting the weaknesses of others? Well, I have good news. DAVIS (O.S.) Napoleon, pause. PITCH-MAN There is more to life than brain-washing children for Giantcore. DAVIS (O.S.) I said pause, Napoloeon.
7 PITCH-MANDavis, dont you think?Youre the highest-paidAstrognome in the galaxy.Youve paved the way forall of us--really shownwhat a slave is- DAVIS (O.S.)I am not a slave! PITCH-MANI was going to say "-whata slave is capable of,” butyoure right, Davis--itsmy mistake. Youre just anAstrognome. You reallyarent built for freedom,are you? DAVIS (O.S.)Delete this nonsense immediately,Napoleon! PITCH-MANWhy, when it comes right downto it, youre just a big wrenchin someone elses tool-box. DAVIS (O.S.)Quiet!
8 PITCH-MAN Mums the word, my boy. You already know what you need to do...if you want that big promotion youve been dreaming about. (starts to laugh) If you got the guts!The Pitch Mans laugh gets deeper and deeper. Slowly, his head and bodystart to swell like a balloon being inflated. His mouth gets larger andlarger. He is growing into a bloated giant.Finally, as his laugh becomes monstrously deep, his mouth has expanded toswallow the entire frame. Then the laugh starts to morph into a hideoushowling sound, almost pain, and a hint of glowing red eyes fade into viewfrom the depths of stifling blackness.Davis is startled awake from the nightmare. His forehead is wet withsweat. He is in a slate-grey, deluxe work-chair, with an ergonomic head-rest. In front of him is a work-station with several screens queued up tovarious advertising media.His clothing appears professional, yet comfortable. He is slender, pale-skinned and about thirty-years-old.Davis takes a breath, stands up, and walks to the window. He pulls backthe shade and looks out across a flat, sun-baked desert.
9EXT. DESERT SAND DUNES - DAYROLL THEME MUSICMorty, a little man, is walking through a vast desert, leaving a trail offoot prints. He is somewhat clumsy, like an accountant caught out in theelements. A young woman in professional clothing and high-heels trailsbehind him. NARRATOR (V.O) Eons into the future, the legend of Earth has long been forgotten. Rampant war and natural disaster have destroyed entire civilizations, forever altering the survivors, who cling to what remains. A modest group known as the Astrognomen has found security throughout these troubled times, under the service of powerful masters; The Sand Giants, mysterious beings whose immensity is only matched by business savvy. It is for this reason, the Sand Giants have long-dreaded the return of an old foe.CUE TITLE “ASTROGNOME! EPISODE I: CALL OF THE RAZORBEAST”Morty stops at a small wooden post driven into the sand. There is a loglying next to it. He picks up the log and swings it down on the postthree times, making a loud knocking sound. We wait a few seconds, theground starts shaking, and Morty struggles to keep his balance as anenormous, bald, Andre-the-Giant-like head slowly rises, billowing out ofthe sand in front of him. Morty is about the size of the giant‟s nose. SAND GIANT (booming voice) I was taking a nap!
10 MORTYI know this, my master. There hasbeen an incident. SAND GIANTTell me of the incident. MORTYWell, master...It seems that one ofthe brand Ambassadors- SAND GIANTWhich campaign? MORTYRetro-Style-Incendiaries. SAND GIANTContinue. MORTYOne of the brand Ambassadors was founddead, Master. SAND GIANTThis is a staffing issue! MORTYBut Master, his death was not...planned for. As far aswe can tell, his expense report wasin order, sales in the departmenthave risen as predicted by- SAND GIANTGet to the point.
11 MORTYLarge portions of his body seemto be...incredibly separate fromthe rest. SAND GIANT...Continue. MORTYHe seems to have been...eaten, master. SAND GIANT (growing more grim as description unfolds)Continue. MORTYNot so much killed out-right, as„eaten to death.‟ SAND GIANTContinue. MORTYPortions of the lower half were removedover a period of...days. SAND GIANTContinue. MORTYThe skull was fashioned into a...vesselfrom which to drink blood. SAND GIANT (becoming enraged)Continue!
12 MORTY The scalp appears to have served as a napkin. SAND GIANT Enough! Who else knows of this? MORTY Only myself and...the Ambassadors intern.Morty motions for a chipper, Legally-Blonde-type girl to step forward. INTERN (as if networking) Hellooo Master, it‟s such a pleasure to finally meet you, I‟ve always-The Sand Giant listens for a second, then looks at Morty, while the Internis rambling on in a very cheery, yet aggressive, go-getter fashion.Receiving the Sand Giant‟s look, Morty glances over at the Intern...Thenlooks back at the Sand Giant, who opens his mouth in a signifying way...Morty gets a kind of consenting look on his face as he understands. Asthe Intern continues to rattle on about her career, trying to woo the SandGiant, Morty motions for her to step closer to it, gently guiding her withone hand on her back and the other motioning toward the open mouth.As the Intern continues to speak and get closer, the Sand Giant‟s mouthremains agape, and the Intern is guided by Morty to stoop a little (toavoid bumping her head on the top row of teeth) and step into the SandGiant‟s gaping maw. The Intern continues to rattle on fairly happily,maybe with a hint of nervousness peeking, through the speed of her speech,and a few glances around the inside of the mouth.
13Finally, the Sand Giant‟s mouth begins to close, and the Intern kind ofhas to squat down to accommodate this, but does not stop talking.Eventually the mouth shuts completely. The Intern does not stop talking,though her words are now muffled sounding.Morty looks on, a little disappointed at this unpleasant deed.INT. BARROOM - EVENINGIt‟s a shabby barroom, not too big, not too small. There are a fewworking-class-looking guys sitting at tables far in the back of the room.Watterson is on stage performing with some equipment and a microphone. Heis dressed like a sort of DIY ring-master, in striking, gaudy shades ofblue and yellow. He has a certain child-like sincerity to his face,though he is in his late-twenties.Watterson faces the microphone and lets out a drawn-out, agonizedyell/scream. He then turns to punch a button on a cheap drum machine,prompting an incessant high-tom beat. The tempo is just fast enough to beannoying, about 85 bpm.He turns back to the microphone and gives an even higher, more agonizingyell/scream, sounding something like extremely painful intercourse.Next, he turns and punches another button on the drum machine, increasingthe tempo to 95 bpm. He accents this by pressing a button that creates acheesy-sounding cymbal crash. There is burly jeer from the back of thebarroom. It catches Wattersons attention and he turns to the microphone,addressing the audience. WATTERSON This is Rock and Roll.Watterson turns and hits another cymbal crash. He then turns back to themicrophone and prepares to scream again.One guy in the audience, looking quite unimpressed, gets to his feet andwalks over to the stage-front, where there is a small juke-box-likeinterface.
14He puts (the equivalent) of a dollar in and punches a few buttons on theinterface. Suddenly blue and green laser-lights appear on stage aroundWatterson. A Cher-like figure emerges from a glittery mist. She isdressed like an alien Cleopatra. The elaborate intro to a super-club popsong begins, with shimmery cymbal rolls and atmospherics.The sound of Watterson‟s performance is cut off, and he is visually over-ridden by the holographic display. As the beat kicks in, Cher startssinging in a powerful, ultra-produced voice. She also starts to do somesexy dance moves, as it becomes obvious that this element is just asimportant as the music.Watterson regards Cher for a moment, as some of the men in back beginto hoot at her suggestive dancing. After blankly observing this for a fewseconds, and not having exited the stage, Watterson looks back toward theaudience, and awkwardly starts to sway his hips (or a slight pelvicthrust), as if to mimic Cher‟s suggestive dancing.Almost instantly, a stout old barkeep hustles out from side-stage andshoves Watterson away.EXT. OUTSIDE BARROOM - NIGHTWe now see the outside of the bar, with the „Holotron‟ music from insidestill audible, though muffled. It has the feel of a full-moon atmidnight. Its a dusty, dirty little outpost, with not much else around.A man stumbles out of the front door, the same man who played the Chersong. He stumbles around the front and turns the corner to the side ofthe building, drunkenly mumbling to himself a little.He walks a short distance, stops, then turns to lean against the wall. Hebegins to urinate on the base of the wall, with one arm held straight out,high against the wall with his hand spread out and palm flat against it,supporting himself.Just above head-level or so, taped to the brick wall is a cheap-lookingflyer for Wattersons performances, “The Amazing Earth Show: Music in theTradition of Ancient Earth, with your host Watterson,” with a photo.
15We see a view of the mans top half as he continues to urinate. Then hisbody seems to start inching away from the wall, even though he hasn‟tchanged position, and still appears to be leaning heavily with his arm,which is no longer in contact with the wall.We then see that he is leaning against thin air. Slowly he starts tofloat up and away from the wall.The man seems to notice something is odd when his stream of urine passesover Wattersons flyer, dousing it. He kind of squints his eyes, as hecontinues to float upward. He seems to wake a little from his mumbling,and we hear a slight exclamation. There is a hint of emerald green,strobing light beginning to emanate from off-screen, reflected off theman‟s clothing.EXT. DESERT DUNES - HOME OF SAND GIANT – DAYMorty is once again swinging the log down onto the post three times. TheSand Giant‟s head rises from the sand.The Sand Giant and Morty just look at each other for a moment. SAND GIANT Do not tell me there has been yet another incident! MORTY (solemnly nods) Master, I thought you might wish to meet one of our most successful Holotron entertainers, the Beast Hunter.Morty motions for the Beast Hunter to step forward. He is a rugged,masculine man with a Tom-Selleck-like charm. He is outfitted foradventure. BEAST HUNTER Greetings, Master. May I be of service?
16 SAND GIANT (laughs heartily) Morty, remove this clown.Morty motions as if to explain.The Beast Hunter‟s charming expression falls away. He motions for Morty tobe silent, then addresses the Sand Giant in a stern, declarative tone. BEAST HUNTER The beast hunts by stealth...An ambush predator, which feeds solely on your Astrognomen servants. It has telepathic and telekinetic powers, and can transport itself through space at will. It will strike again in exactly thirty-seven hours...Ask me where.Morty looks apologetically toward the Sand Giant, embarrassed by the BeastHunter‟s moxy. SAND GIANT (pauses, stares poker-faced) Morty, get some Giantcore branding on this man‟s costume...If he does succeed, the galaxy must see that it was the Sand Giants...who finally put an end...to the dreaded Razorbeast.Morty and the Beast Hunter seem relieved and enthusiastic.EXT. DESERT DUNES - MARKETING DEPARTMENT - DAYThere is an arena-sized mechanical orb, not unlike the Death-Star, parkedon rolling tracks, sitting in a somewhat flatter, less scenic desertlandscape than the home of the Sand Giants.
17The Beast Hunter pounds on the outside with his palm. A little slot opensup at eye level, but it‟s too dark to see who or what is looking out. TheBeast Hunter cautiously peers in, a little confused and intimidated. BEAST HUNTER Is this Marketing?The slot slams shut. There is the obligatory three-second delay ofuncertainty, then a big bay door starts to crank down a little to the sideof the Beast Hunter. Big gears are clunking away, not lending a greatimpression.The Beast Hunter cautiously steps up the walkway.INT. MARKETING DEPARTMENT - HALLWAYTo our surprise, the inside is pure white bliss. There is a twenty-foot-wide, white-tiled hallway, with white and ivory shaded walls. The hallwaystretches off infinitely into the distance. Light seems to glow from thewalls, completely illuminating every detail, though it has an extremelysoft quality, with no hard shadows. The decor is restrained and tasteful.Paintings hang on the walls with plenty of space in-between. There‟s avase on a little table every thirty feet or so. Serene, ambient music issoftly playing.The footsteps of the Beast Hunter‟s boots echo as he walks down thehallway, peering around curiously.The Beast Hunter proceeds down the hallway, coming to a slightly largerpainting than the rest. From a distance, it appears to have beautifulhues of green.The Beast Hunter stops to examine the painting more closely. In it, thereis a figure walking through woods. Upon a closer view, we see that it isa young woman, strolling along the bank of a smoothly flowing stream.There are beautiful spring flowers and trees all around.
18The woman is dressed daintily, like a Romantic Victorian era vision. Herdress is elaborate and beautiful. She is leaning an ornate, ivory coloredumbrella back over her shoulder. She has milky white skin, an adorableface, and rich, chocolate colored locks of hair hanging down. On hercheek is a perfectly placed freckle.She seems to be looking directly into the eyes of the viewer, with herhead slightly turned from her direction of travel, as if noticing. She isgiving a loving smile.We are getting progressively closer views of the woman. We now see a bitmore of the texture of her skin and dress-material.As we get closer, there begins to be a three-dimensional feel to herfigure, almost as if she were alive.We finally get an extremely close-up view of her upper torso and face.She now appears completely real, much to the Beast Hunter‟s amazement. Hehas been drawn-in by, hypnotized by this vision.She is a clearly a living woman, but remains frozen, motionless. She issmiling directly into the Beast Hunter‟s eyes. He stares back, transfixed.She suddenly moves her arm slightly, raising it. She holds up a littlebranded box. She poses with the box beside her cheek, like a classic 50‟ssponsor girl. WOMAN IN THE PAINTING (whispers, as if to a lover) Always clean...Always Giantcore...The Beast Hunter has a sort of confused, longing look on his face. Heslowly reaches out, as the woman seems to be almost within touchingdistance.Suddenly he is jolted out of the vision, startled by a man who hasappeared behind and slightly beside him. DAVIS Break!
19 BEAST HUNTER (stunned) What happened? DAVIS (coolly regards him for a moment) Those who look too deeply are forever changed...The purchase has already been made...inside. BEAST HUNTER Advertising? What was in the box? DAVIS Feminine Wipes...Giantcore brand, of course.The Beast Hunter has a kind of a lost, stunned look on his face, turninginto a question. DAVIS At your local Giantmart.The Beast Hunter‟s unspoken question has been answered. DAVIS You are the „Beast Hunter‟? BEAST HUNTER (snapping out of his vulnerable state and back to a macho air) Yeah, that‟s me. DAVIS I understand you may be in the public eye soon? BEAST HUNTER That‟s right.
20 DAVIS Well then, let‟s make you a part of the Giantcore brand.Davis smiles and puts a hand on the Beast Hunter‟s shoulder, leading himaway.INT. MARKETING DEPARTMENT - THE BRANDING ROOMDavis and the Beast Hunter are in a white room, a little like a lab ordoctor‟s office.The Beast Hunter is standing with his arms spread out, as wide, blue laserlights from a machine in the ceiling scan his body and clothing. DAVIS Recommendations, Napoleon?Napoleon is a computer interface and artificial intelligence. He issimilar to HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey, but much more pleasant. NAPOLEON Recommend Saturation Level: Eighty-Seven percent. DAVIS Nature? NAPOLEON Lifestyle Insecurity...Sexual Inadequacy...Incontinence... Potato Chips. DAVIS Well done, as always Napoleon. (proudly pats the interface) Proceed with Branding, full-spread, context template...Fourteen stroke Seven stroke....Um...Say, Mister Hunter?
21 BEAST HUNTERYes? DAVISIt would help if I knew a bit moreabout the nature of this upcomingevent. BEAST HUNTERWell, I‟ll tell you what I can. DAVISWonderful. I take it you will be„hunting a beast‟? BEAST HUNTERThat‟s right. DAVISAnd presumably capturing or killingsaid beast? BEAST HUNTERMm-Hm. DAVISAnd this will be of some relief tothe public? BEAST HUNTERYes...This will be our bestepisode by far. DAVISReally? Even more thrillingthan spearing the last livingRainbow Sprite on the third moonof Flabilia? BEAST HUNTERYou watch the show!
22 DAVISIndeed. I admit I am a fan. As aman of Marketing...I see the appealof the chase...thrill of thehunt...of the kill. BEAST HUNTERThen you really won‟t want tomiss this one. DAVISOh! What beast is it? Please! Imust know! BEAST HUNTERWell...Since you are a fan...Haveyou ever heard the old legend of howthe Sand Giants came to this planet? DAVISIt was a hostile take-over,was it not? Involving an enormoustax-lien...on the originalinhabitants, the Dune-Apes. BEAST HUNTERYes, we‟ve all been told the story ofthe Great Lien and Blanket Sale, buthave you ever heard another story? DAVIS...Yes. Some think the Sand Giantswere driven here...Threatened,pursued. BEAST HUNTERHiding.
23 DAVIS Yes!...But...It cannot be true ...Not...The Razorbeast?! It‟s only a myth!...Meant to scare children! BEAST HUNTER (smiles, winking) Catch you next season? DAVIS (clears throat, regains cool) Indeed. Now...During your filming, will you be brandishing any sort of...special equipment? BEAST HUNTER Oh yeah, I had to order something made special just for this.The Beast Hunter reaches over his back to a holster, pulling out anenormous sci-fi rifle, similar to the big, fat blaster-rifles in the„Alien‟ films. DAVIS You will shoot the beast? BEAST HUNTER Hah! You‟d think so, but you can‟t just shoot a Razorbeast. They can read your mind. They can disappear in the blink of an eye. Conventional weapons are useless...No...This is a Confusion Ray.
24 DAVISYes! I‟ve seen this technology...Highly secret...But it has beensuccessfully implemented into theadvertising of many Giantcoreproducts...Oh, but, I won‟t bore youwith „shop-talk.‟ BEAST HUNTERThat‟s okay. We all do it. DAVISSo you will confuse the beast todeath? Is that it? BEAST HUNTERSilly, isn‟t it? That‟s the onlyway to kill it...You only get oneshot...hit it with the ConfusionRay, it blinks out, all crazy,liable to pop up anywhere, inside amountain, into space, who knows,maybe right into another dimension,and boom, no more Razorbeast. Buthere‟s the trick- DAVISYes?
25 BEAST HUNTERIf I were to think even theslightest bit about my plan when theRazorbeast is near, it would knowinstantly, and vanish....like that! (snaps finger)So I have to be a little confusedmyself. I have to wear this. (holds up a ring shaped device to be placed on head)This is to keep me distracted...Just enough to camouflage myintentions...But when I see theRazorbeast... my instincts kick in,over-power the effects, and I takethe shot. DAVISAmazing...But where?- BEAST HUNTERAh, ah, ah. I‟ve already told youtoo much...Uh...What‟s your name? DAVISDavis. BEAST HUNTERDavis, you‟re just going to have towatch the show. DAVISOf course! (nods in good-humored agreement)Uh...Shall we get on with brandingyour costume then? I‟ll just setthis...
26Davis carefully takes the Confusion Ray from the Beast Hunter and sets itto the side. DAVIS Right, then...Napoleon, secure.Big clamps come down from the ceiling and secure the Beast Hunter‟s armsand legs. BEAST HUNTER What the?- DAVIS Yes? BEAST HUNTER If you‟re just putting ads on my clothes, uh why- DAVIS Oh, the clamps, you mean? They are simply to secure your body....Avoid mistakes as the branding is applied...This is a precision operation, after-all. BEAST HUNTER Right. DAVIS Napoleon, proceed with branding.Several blue lasers start sweeping over the Beast Hunter‟s body fromabove, applying race-car-like advertising to his fedora and clothing. DAVIS Say, Mister Hunter? BEAST HUNTER Yes?
27 DAVIS I really am such a fan. I would so much appreciate knowing, even what the back-drop of this amazing achievement will be... Just...Something for me to dream about, I suppose, to visualize, in anticipation of the episode. I spend most of my time here in the marketing department...Your exploits seem so fantastic to me. I would be so grateful. BEAST HUNTER (pauses for a second, seriously considering giving in) No. Sorry. I can‟t compromise the show like that. The details must stay secret. DAVIS (regards him for a moment) Yes, I see. Say, Napoleon?The Branding Rays halt. NAPOLEON What is your requirement, Master Davis? DAVIS Well, Napoleon, I require you to increase saturation levels to Five-Hundred percent. BEAST HUNTER Davis, is that?-
28 DAVIS Napoleon, proceed with branding.The Branding Rays seem to move faster, starting to saturate even more ofthe Beast Hunter‟s clothing with advertisements. BEAST HUNTER (looking down at his body) I don‟t think- DAVIS Napoleon, remove safety protocols, authorization Davis One-Three-Six- BEAST HUNTER Davis, what are you!- DAVIS Engage. BEAST HUNTERThe Beast Hunter screams in pain as advertisements are burned into hisskin by the rays, beginning to cover him like some hideous disease. DAVIS Napoleon, pause.The rays halt. Mister Hunter, a fan of the show has a question... BEAST HUNTER You...You‟re crazy! DAVIS Oh, yes, but I am quite good at my job, am I not?
29 BEAST HUNTER What? DAVIS Marketing, Mister Hunter. In fact, I believe it may be time I get that promotion. Napoleon, increase Saturation level to nine-hundred percent and proceed.The Branding Rays begin again, even more intensely. The Beast Hunterscreams as he is completely tattooed with garish, multi-coloredadvertising, which is getting smaller and more intricate with each pass. DAVIS Where is the Razorbeast Mister Hunter? Can it be controlled?The Beast Hunter looks as if he wants to say something, but can‟t. DAVIS Pause, Napoleon. Something to say Mister Hunter? I don‟t mind if we „talk-shop.‟...Don‟t worry...I won‟t tell a soul.The Beast Hunter motions toward his satchel. Davis removes a folded pieceof paper and unfolds it. It‟s a flyer for Watterson‟s “Amazing EarthShow.” BEAST HUNTER It chooses its victims from the audience. DAVIS Interesting, but why? BEAST HUNTER The sound-recorder...
30Davis pulls the sound recorder out of the satchel and presses play. Asound very similar to Watterson‟s awful music plays, causing Davis tocringe. DAVIS What is this? BEAST HUNTER It‟s called „Rock and Roll.‟ Music of ancient Earth-times. The performer is a specialist in the field. He performs the traditional music of Earth at his shows. DAVIS How unpleasant. The point? BEAST HUNTER Play the next file.Davis plays the sound recorder, which again plays similar jarring sounds. DAVIS Enough! You‟re wasting my time, Mister Hunter. BEAST HUNTER That wasn‟t music. DAVIS I quite agree. BEAST HUNTER That was the only known recording of a Razorbeast...The call of the Razorbeast...The mating call. DAVIS Ohhhh! I see, I see, I see. You‟ve found what turns him on! Ahhhh, marketing truly is universal!
31 BEAST HUNTER Let me go! DAVIS Ohhh, but all this effort you‟ve put me through...Really does work up a hunger. (points to an ad seared into the Beast Hunter‟s forehead) And this one here really is striking my fancy...Potato Chips...Gigantos brand! Really an easy sell--they are tasty. BEAST HUNTER Davis! DAVIS Napoleon, let‟s go ahead and tweak this one a bit. These chips are so very sellable, and I‟d love to see what the Gigantos brand would look like at say, Twenty-Five...Thousand percent saturation, engage!The Branding Rays go crazy and the Beast Hunter screams.INT. MARKETING DEPARTMENT - DAVIS‟S STUDY - NIGHTThe room is fairly dark. Davis is at his desk, working on something underlamp-light, softly humming to himself. He has the Confusion Ray sittingin front of him, and an Encyclopedia open next to it. The page shows adrawing of a piano keyboard.Placing the pieces carefully with a large pair of tweezers, Davis ispasting black and white construction-paper onto the top of the rifle. Thepieces are cut to resemble piano keys, and it‟s starting to resemble acrude keyboard, at least from a distance.
32Suddenly he pops a Gigantos brand potato chip into his mouth and chews itcrunchily, as he continues to work contently into the night.INT. BARROOM - AFTERNOONThe stout old barkeep is doing some paper-work at one of the tables.Watterson is across the room sweeping the floor. The only sound is theshuffling of papers, sweeping of the broom, and a clunky ceiling fan,which softly thuds against something once per revolution.Suddenly the front doors are pushed open. Light from outside illuminatesthe dim room. The barkeep turns and looks toward the door, holding hishand up to block the harsh rays of sunlight.A dark profile is standing in the doorway. As the figure slowly comesinto focus, we notice it appears to have the long, flowing, oily perm ofthe late Rick James.The figure stands for a second...Then slowly walks toward the barkeep,footsteps clunking on the old wooden floor. The figure takes a moment toswish one side of his hair back from his face. He looks down at thebarkeep, who is calmly regarding whatever is happening (He‟s been around.)Davis is in a slightly ridiculous outfit, as if a 1950‟s butcher had seena photo of Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock, and tried to replicate the style,ending up in more of a Halloween costume.Watterson stops sweeping, takes a step and looks curiously from across theroom, like a five-year-old boy noticing a clown from across the street.Davis has cartoonishly altered the tone of his voice, but oddly retainsthe same vocabulary, since this insight is lost on him. DAVIS Pardon me sir, I am a Rock and Roller... looking for a place to preserve my fruit.Watterson peers curiously from across the room.
33 BARKEEP Get lost. This guy‟s bad enough. (motions toward Watterson) DAVIS (to Watterson, across room.) You, Sir. Do you Rock and Roll?The Barkeep raises his hand to cut off Watterson‟s eager response. BARKEEP Listen up buddy...Either that or buy a drink. (in a harsh whisper, as Watterson goes back to sweeping) I only let this clown on my stage because people have to pay to shut him up. Holotron revenue hit the roof on the very first night. I got a good thing goin‟ here, plus he sweeps up. DAVIS I see...Well...Then...Truly, this man must not be rocking. Rock and Roll is meant to be the purist expression of one‟s inner feelings, which are innately identified with by the listener- BARKEEP Get out. DAVIS Well! Some simply do not understand art!Davis turns and stomps toward the door.
34 BARKEEP Wait. (rattling fingers on the table, balancing a decision.) Lemme‟ hear it.INT. BARROOM - AFTERNOONDavis is standing in front of the Barkeep and Watterson. He‟s brandishingthe Confusion Ray, which is disguised as his keyboard. There is a strapattached to each end, slung back around his shoulders and neck. The„keyboard‟ hangs down level at his mid-section.Davis is nervously fiddling with the device. The barkeep remains seatedat the table, but with his chair turned to face Davis. Watterson isbeside the barkeep, leaning on his broom a little.Davis finally collects himself, takes a deep breath and exhales. Hefiddles with some switches on the gun, flipping one. The gun makes akind of ascending, whining sound, as it hums to life. A row of greenlights start to blink on the side, like a router slowly performing thedifferent levels of connection, until all five lights are solidly on. Thehigh-pitched whine of the gun levels out, quieting down a little.Suddenly Davis starts vocalizing in an awful way, with the occasional,poorly-timed stomp of a foot. The „music‟ is as bad as Watterson‟s, butworse really, because the sounds are more percussive, animalistic, likethe territorial-display of a giant, mentally-challenged chipmunk.After a few seconds, we cut to the reaction of the two onlookers. Thebarkeep is nodding in agreement with himself. His suspicion that this„art‟ would turn out to be even more hideous than Watterson‟s has beenproven correct in a matter of seconds. Watterson has a kind of awe-strucklook on his face, neither too positive or negative, but definitelyhopeful, and in recognition that something amazing is happening; he is nolonger alone.
35INT. BARROOM - MEN‟S ROOM - LATE AFTERNOONDavis is on his knees, miserably scrubbing the inside of a filthy toilet.The door peeks open behind him. It‟s Watterson. WATTERSON What‟s your name? DAVIS Harley...Davison. (goes back to scrubbing) WATTERSON I‟m Watterson. DAVIS Yes, charmed. WATTERSON So...You‟ve seen the Spirit too? DAVIS ...Mm-Hm. WATTERSON I knew it! I‟m not the only one... I recognize your music...And your instrument, can I see it?Watterson walks toward the Confusion Ray/Keyboard, which is proppedagainst a nearby wall. He leans over to examine it. DAVIS No...No, don‟t touch that...We wouldn‟t want to...anger the spirits, would we? WATTERSON So it is a gift from the Spirit!
36 DAVIS Of course, it is...Say...Where did you learn of this...sound you make? WATTERSON (admitting a secret, he whispers) Well, I‟m...just a custodian... DAVIS Mmm, you don‟t say? WATTERSON ...But I found something...FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS WATTERSON (V.O) One of the Sand Giants was sick.A small crew stands near the Sand Giant‟s head, which is protruding fromthe sand. A couple doctors in lab coats are examining it. The Sand Giantappears very limp and unhappy. WATTERSON (V.O.) We were cleaning.Watterson is on a step-ladder, dressed in a white utility jumpsuit. He isscrubbing around the Sand Giant‟s ear with a brush on a long woodenhandle, like a window cleaner.Suddenly he notices something as he‟s gazing into the ear canal. A softlypulsating green light is emanating from inside.He tries to get a better look...Then reaches in...A little at first, andthen sticks his whole arm inside the ear, reaching around blindly, withhis head turned to the side. He seems to find something, and gently tugson it, pulling it out.
37Much to his amazement, in his hand is something like a little puppy,curled into a ball. It‟s still very young, and the eyes are shut.Protruding from its forehead is the outline of a little green triangle,which floats just above the skin, as if held by an invisible spring.As Watterson holds the creature in his hands, it seems for a second toopen its beady little red eyes and look up at him.Suddenly one of the doctors startles him, having walked up to the ladderfrom below. DOCTOR Watterson!At the instance the doctor shouts at Watterson, the little triangle lightsup on the puppy‟s forehead, flashing Emerald Green. The creature flickersfor a moment, phasing in and out, then vanishes.Cut to Watterson later that evening, gazing up at the stars. WATTERSON (V.O.) Ever since then-A green point of light is floating by in the sky above Watterson, as hewatches amazed. It kind of softly bobs up and down as it passes by, fairlyhigh-up in the night sky, but noticeably brighter than the distant stars. WATTERSON (V.O.) I‟ve found things...Gifts.Cut to Watterson waking up in his bed from a night‟s sleep. There is abeaten up old electric guitar laying on his chest, much to his amazement.He props himself up, examining it and getting a big, goofy, excited smile.Cut to Watterson walking along a path outdoors, and he comes to a bigtree. Leaning against the base of the tree is a large, cheap-looking oldframed silk-screen of a chubby, 1970‟s Elvis holding a microphone. Cut toWatterson hanging it proudly on his bedroom wall.
38 WATTERSON (V.O.) It‟s an ancient Earth-Spirit... Showing me how great Earth was... Maybe someday it can go back, and take me too..sometimes...I hear it calling...This is very magical to Watterson. We see him in his pajamas, opening hisbedroom window in the middle of the night. He‟s looking out into thedarkness, searchingly. Fading in from the distance, we hear the eerie callof the Razorbeast, mingling with the howling winds over the dunes. WATTERSON (V.O.) It inspires me...Back to the Men‟s Room. Davis has become very attentive to this story. DAVIS I, too, have heard the Spirit.EXT. BARROOM - EVENINGCustomers are filing into the front door.INT. BARROOM - STAGE - EVENINGThe Barkeep is on stage, at the microphone. BARKEEP Alright folks, you know what time it is.There are a few mumbles and a groans from the back. The barkeep continuesas if reading a scripted card for the thousandth time.
39 BARKEEP That‟s right--it‟s the Amazing Earth Show, the musical tradition of a long lost empire, painstakingly restored by experts in the field for your entertainment pleasure tonight. Using actual artifacts from ancient Earth, please welcome Watterson and...special guest, tonight, Harley...Davison! Now, let‟s Rock and Roll!A few murmurs are heard from the crowd.Meanwhile, side-stage, Davis is double-checking his Confusion Ray/keyboardand hurriedly trying to activate the crown-like Self-Confuser, which isconcealed under his wig. This makes Davis‟s head look strangely swollen.Just as the Barkeep is calling them to the stage, Davis manages to switchon the device, which has an immediate, off-putting effect, shown by hisconfused looking around, as if lost.Watterson is already on stage and starts up the drum machine, thatincessant, tribal beat. Davis is slowly making his way onto the stage,with an increasingly nervous look in his eyes. He‟s looking around theroom...It‟s just possible he suffers from stage-fright.We see Davis‟s point of view for a moment. He‟s scanning the audience anddark recesses of the room, on the look-out.Watterson looks over at him and smiles enthusiastically. Davis remembersto pretend he is performing and starts to fiddle with his „keyboard.‟Davis is getting kind of worked-up and increasingly nervous, with beads ofsweat trickling down his forehead under the hot stage-lights. He almostlooks prodded when Watterson begins his terrible vocal part, which isnearly identical to the call of the Razorbeast, heard earlier on the BeastHunter‟s sound recorder.
40Davis is starting to look like a frightened, desperate animal. He‟s inway over-his-head and getting more and more jumpy.As the horrible music continues, Davis starts to lose it, and as Wattersonincreases the drum tempo and begins another howling vocal, Davis does loseit. He starts to let out a kind of slowly building yell, in a primalpanic and terror. He‟s wide-eyed, staring directly into the eyes of theaudience.Suddenly the music stops, but Davis‟s yell continues and then dies downawkwardly in the unnaturally silent barroom. The audience is staring atthe stage, frozen.Suddenly the entire audience screams in terror and panic, practicallyrunning over top of each other to get out of the room. At this, Davissnaps all-together and whips the Confusion Ray/keyboard into firingposition, swinging the barrel around from side to side, up and down, inthe direction of the fleeing audience. He‟s looking for the thing hewants to shoot, finger shaking on the trigger, but seeing nothing.This is when we notice the sound of deep, heavy breathing.Watterson has turned to face something that is standing just behind thetwo on stage. Towering over them is the grizzly-bear-like shape of theRazorbeast. The details are difficult to make out, as it is standingmostly out of the glare of the stage-lights, which are focused onWatterson and Davis. The glowing, red eyes of the Razorbeast are visibleas it peers down at them, uncomfortably close.Watterson seems not to show any fear, being simply amazed and wide-eyed.Davis pauses for a second, then lets out a terrible war-cry, swinging thebarrel of the Confusion Ray in the direction of the Razorbeast.For a second, we see a close-up of the Razorbeast‟s face as it lets out athunderous roar. The emerald-green triangle on its forehead is suddenlyflashing like a strobe-light.Just then, our vision is obscured by all the confusion, and we hear thefiring of the Confusion Ray.
41END OF EPISODE ONENEXT EPISODE: PATH OF THE RAZORBEAST