Star wench proper

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Star wench proper

  1. 1. You're Star Wench,interstellar adventurer! With your pilot Suzie Starbright, you cruise the galaxy with only one goal in mind: the powerful and treacherous Queen of Space! With her mind-control raygun eye and her boundless space empire, she is literally unbeatable. Your quest is doomed to failure, but what kind of failure? How does the story end? Only YOU can find out! Your one choice: which page to read. Keep reading until you've suffered not one but ONE HUNDRED terrible fates! This Choose Your Own Death adventure was written by anna anthropy and published by Omnium Gatherum books.
  2. 2. AUTHOR ••.••.••••.• ANNA ANTHROPY TABLE OF ILLUSTRATORS KENDLE f B ••••••••••••••••••••• 7,42 CHERRY ......................................... 45 J CHRISTIAN ••••••••••••••••• 32, 60, 70 REBECCA CLEMENTS ••••• COVER, 22, 95 JASMINE COTE••••••••••••••••••••••• 4 CASSANDRA FREIRE ••••••••••••• 17,37 KINUKO ........................................ 80 PAULI KOHBERGER .••••••••••••• 12,55 SLOANE LEONG ••••••••••••••••••• 101 VIRGINIA McCARTHY •••••••••••• 50, 90 LOREN SCHMIDT ••••••••••••••••••• 85 MIA SCHWARTZ •••••••••••••••• 65, 75 KATIE SKELLY •••••••••••••••••••••• 27 StarWench Copyright© 2013 Anna Anth10py ISBN·13:978-%15779294 ISBN·10:%1577929 8 All rights ,.,,.,1'1€d. No part of thi; book m;y be repioduced or tiansmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including photocopying, recoiding or by any information stoiage and tetrieval S>jStErr lf1ithout the l/'1tltten permission of the author and publisher. hnpJ/omniurngatherumedia.com This book is a 1;votkofflction.Names. chaiacteis, places and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination orare used fktitiouso/. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, !i.,..ing ordead, is coincidental
  3. 3. Fiist Electronic Edition
  4. 4. WARNING! ! ! ! Do not read this book straight through from beginning to end! This book contains many different adventures you may encounter as Star Wench , an intergalactic rogue and space captain , as she pursues the nefarious Queen of Space in the depths of her domain! Or, rather, it contains many different ways for that adventure to end. You'll never defeat the Queen, but you can choose how you'll fail! Just open to a page - any page - and read how your adventure ends. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get to meet your end at the hands of the Queen herself!
  5. 5. 2 "DRINK ME?" Why not? You deserve something for threading your way through this ancient stone labyrinth. The liquid is a color some,vhere between green and yellow, and it tastes like something between a lin1e and a lemon . You smack your lips, trying to shake off the strange aftertaste. Suddenly you notice that the room looks smaller. Your uniform feels tighter. It starts to rip! You're getting bigger! You shove through the rotting wood door, chasing your utility-thread trail through the winding stone corridors. You've got to get out before you get too big! Soon you're hunched over beneath the heavy ceiling, trying to keep up your speed. Then you're crawling on hands and knees across the dirty floor. Finally you see it: daylight streaming from the door at the far side of the entrance hall. You throw yourself at the door as you feel your body shiver and stop growing at last. You see rolling green hills, crystal river, and clear blue sky again. The breeze on your face, after days in the cold stone halls, feels wonderful. If only you had managed to fit the rest of your body through the door. Well, at least when this place is declared a historical site fifty years from now you'll be part of it. TheEnd
  6. 6. 76 Sneaking into the factory in the m.iddle of the night was a brilliant plan. You crawl along motionless conveyor belts and shimmy past sleeping droids, their laser-light eyes dim til the factory goes back online in the morning. There's not a single light on, in fact - but the longer you crawl through the dim factory tunnels the better your eyes seem to adjust to the darkness. In fact, by now you can make out the details on this assembly bot almost perfectly. It's not until you notice the window - and the blue dawn light - that you realize your mistake: night is much shorter on a planet with three suns! The factory comes alive like an alarm clock. Underneath you , a conveyor belt starts to move. "QUALITY ASSURANCE FINAL TEST," announces the bot as its eyes light up to scan you. "PRODUCT DAMAGED. FILL HOLE." A tiny nozzle shoots a pink liquid into your mouth, which immediately inflates into a mouth -filling foam mass. "IRREGULAR SHAPE. REPAIR ," chimes the next robot , taping your arms and legs together for your ride down the assembly line - along which countless droids are rezzing sleep from their laser eyes. Some while later, a package arrives at the Queen's castle. "Just what I've always wanted," she bea ms, getting comfortable in your lap. "A Star Wenchshaped armchair!" TheEnd
  7. 7. 77 "Hello, little star. I am Zanax Spectrum." The amazon has you backed to the wall. How does she tower over you like that? Your eyes slide down to her stiletto heels. Her toenails are painted radiation green. She catches you looking. "Synthetic," she pur rs, lifting a leg and sliding the shoe from her foot. "Nano­ machines. Tiny, like you," she whispers as she traces the knife-tip heel of the shoe along your lips. A pink jelly oozes from a pouch in her anklet and solidifies into a perfect replacement shoe on her foot. You wiggle in a way that means "! speak only by reflecting light off my surfaces," and slide out of her grasp. In this par ty full of assassins and torturers, you don't want to draw any needless attention. Way up on the wall, you sp0t an open window. Escape! You realize you still have the amazon's extra shoe. You grab some complimentary rope from a servant (it immed iately grows back) and tie it to the shoe. A grappling hook! You start swinging. Suddenly a stiletto flies across the room and pins your arm into the wall. ZI NG! You turn. Zanax is already reaching for her new shoe. FWJNG!She pins your other arm! CHING! Your ankle! FWISH! Soon you're nailed to the wall like a butterfly in a collect ion. "I was hoping we'd have some time together," Zanax coos into your ear, as the assassins and torturers gather around, eager for a new party game. TheEnd
  8. 8. 78 You kick the door open and burst into the robot factory. "I'm here to destroy the Queen of Space!" "Yes, of course you are," says the cyborg seated at the front desk. "But first, wou ld you please sit and speak with me for a few minutes? It will help you ." She gestures to a futon nearby. "Do you feel like you're not in control of your actions," she asks when you sit, "as though you have no choices?" You nod. "And you're obsessed with killing the Queen, aren't you? It dominates your thoughts, doesn't it?" You nod again. "There's an explanation: you see, this factory is your home. We built you. You are a Kill-Bot, serial number 0101." You decide you need to lie down, lying back on the futon. "But you're a defective Kill-Bot. Since your escape, we've been unable to give you the maintenance you need . Your circuits are deteriorat ing. You're engaging in more and more convoluted efforts to get to the Queen. Fortuna tely, we can fix you ." Mechanical belts suddenly snap around your arms, legs and neck. "You're run down," says the cyborg, wheeling the futon down the hall. "A trip to the energizer and you'll be good as the day you came out of the press.• You're slid under an array of sizzling electrical coils. Then the cyborg throws a switch. ZAP!! Registers tick in the cyborg's brain dome as she looks over your charred corpse. "Mistaken identity." TheEnd
  9. 9. 79 You sneak out from the mousehole in lhe Queen's bedroom wall. Your stolen vial of SHRINKDEX-1 has allowed you to infiltrate the Queen's castle without being spotted! All you have to do is drop this microscopic robocapsule down the Queen's throat and you'll be able to monitor her wherever she goes! You creep up to the Queen's huge bed and shimmy up the bedpost, creeping underneath the vast bedsheets and turning on your tiny flashlight. Then you blush. The Queen sleeps au natural! She lies on her stomach, her soft snores shaking the bed beneath you . Her perfect foot lies near you, the size of a hill. You clamber up her toes and crawl aross the wrinkles of her foot, then creep carefully up the back of her right leg. You try to tickle as little as possible. When your foot sinks into the back of her knee she squirms, and you drop to your belly! Her left leg just misses you as it swings to scratch the back of her right. You Jay still until you're sure she's sleeping. Then you climb up her thigh, scale a frankly magnificent ass, and hurry across a majestic bare back . Then you pop out of the blanket and stand face to face with the Queen, robopill in your hands. She looks so peaceful. Too bad she's wide awake and staring at you. "I was hoping for a midnight snack," she says, her enormous fingers collecting your trembling little body. You gulp. Soon thereafter, so does she. TheEnd
  10. 10. 0 . = -
  11. 11. 80 Finally ! It's been a long journey , across countless light­ years and endless worlds, outwitting numerous adversaries and escaping - often just barely - more diabolical traps than you can remember! But at last, your day has arrived ! The Queen of Space has been brought to justice , her limbs wrapped in vacuum tape, her ray-gun eyepatch bent, and her sneering face beneath the heel of your boot. But wait. Why is she laughing? Your vision shifts and wiggles like a holo-monitor on the fritz. And then you can make out the Queen's face again, laughing at you. But she isn't under your boot, nor is she wrapped up. In fact, you're the one who's strapped to a chair, and a strange mach ine seems to have been fitted to your head! "Do you like my Excessive Device, pet? It can show you any reality, make any fantasy real. What it's going to show you during your long stay in my castle are a hundred different deaths, some at my hands, some at the hands of others: all of them, of course, the result of your own foolishness, your own failure." She places a lingering kiss on your lips, which you realize are gagged. "I say goodbye because when I leave this room I'm not going to see you again, though if you're lucky you're going to see a lot of me.• And as the machine whirrs back to life you realize that this is just the beginning, not.. . TheEnd
  12. 12. 81 You swing open the visor of the helmet with a CLANG! Your plan worked! No one suspected you were hiding in this suit of armor! CLANG CLANG. You search the castle of the Pole People. Somewhere, you r pilot Suzie's being held captive. You open a door. Whoops, kitchen storage it's floor-to-ceiling with sharpened knives. Yikes. Aha, the dungeon ! Suzie throws her arms around your armored body and puts her tongue in your mouth. I guess she missed you! She points to the chain around her neck. "It's frozen light," she frowns. You tear open the jai ler's desk. Argh , there are hundreds of keys in here! This will take hours. Wait if the chain is frozen light, that means the key is too! "Be right back!" You yell, scooping up the keys and CLANGing towards the castle's star attraction the enormous Magnet Shalt of the Pole People. You set the keys on the floor and switch the shaft on. A humming fills the room. And then, one by one, the keys star t lilting from the floor - metal keys - and flying toward the shaft. Leaving one key beh ind! You could high-five yourself, but not in this armor. You reach for the switch, but your arm suddenly can't move' Oh no!The armor! You're pulled through the air, CA-THUNKING to the surface of the great shalt. You can't move an inch! Then you see the kitchen storage door fly open. TheEnd
  13. 13. 82 "To be frank, we have doubts as to whether you are who you say you are. Would the real Star Wench, sworn enemy of the Queen of Space, have so brazenly approached the immigration board of the Queen's own home star and sought admittance?" You feel a guard's fingers crawl along the back of your thigh . Her other hand grips the chain linking your cuffs, holding your arms out of her way. "We've prepared a simple quiz that should reveal if you are who you say you are. All very basic. questions the real Star Wench would be able to answer without hesitation ." The Provost slides a piece of paper onto the desk in front of you, and the guard, laughing, pushes your face down onto the desk. You read : I . What is the name of Star Wench's ship? 2. And who pilots it? 3. Where's Star Wench's most ticklish spot? 4. What's the name of the Queen's homeworld? 5. And the name of her personal pleasure planet? Someone stuffs a pencil in your mouth . "Get writing. If you're unable to provide an answer to even a single one of the questions, you're a replicant and we shoot you. But if you can answer them all, we'll concede your identity and admit you - to the Queen's dungeons." TheEnd
  14. 14. 83 Nurse Bitpoker wil hdraws the swab-stick, shiny with fluid. Blushing , you cover your infected bits, which have sprouted several patches of little spiky teeth. "Just as I thought," the Nurse says, peering into a microscope. "You're suffering from a Beast Infection." You yelp and pull back your hand! One of the little teeth has nipped you. "Fortunately! there's a cure," she continues) retrieving a clean syringe. "It's derived from an enzyme that Zoltan Shapechangers secrete in their Spring to inhibit their polymorphism prior to mating." The syringe fills with purple fluid. "It'll keep your body from changing further - you can have a dentist see to the teeth. Still, you're lucky we caught this before there could be any further compll-" Nurse Bitpoker freezes in horror. She also seems to suddenly be much shorter than you. Then chitinous purple arms you didn't have a minute ago grab her and stuff her into your huge, toothy mouth. Your new body gives out an animal howl! Oh no, you are a monster! But your ultrasonic ears pick up the TINK of a syringe hitting the floor - the antidote! You struggle to control your new animal urges long enough to pick up the little needle - not easy with your huge claws! But you finally manage to stab a big meaty vein and inject the anti-morph enzyme! Your body stabilizes. You 'll be like this forever! TheEnd
  15. 15. 84 You feel your way carefully along the rough stone floor with your feet. The hood on your head makes it hard to navigate, and the ties on your wrists don't help. "Don't keep her waiting." Somewhere ahead of you is a guillotine and an Executioner. Behind you is laughter and the prod or a pulse-po le. Quickly, you grab the prodding pole and yank it from the guard's hand. Before she can react, you whirl it around with your bound hands and clunk the spot where her laughter indicated her head would be. "About time," a voice echoes. The Executioner! You charge head-first, aiming for the chest. OW!! The impact knocks your hood askew. Under the Executioner's robe you can see a steel cyborg midriff . "I saved you a seat." When you shake off your daze, you're locked - wrists, ankles and neck - in a very tmcomfortable guillotine. And the execut ioner is tugging the rope and raising the blade. She holds the end of the rope in her hand as she reaches over to caress your cheek. You snap at her hand - grabbing the rope with your teeth! Uh? You also seem to have collected a plastic finger. You'd shriek in surpise if it didn't mean letting go of the rope. The blade is pretty heavy ! The Executioner just laughs at you. "Let's find out how ticklish you are," she grins as she removes the rest of her fingertips - to reveal the metal talons underneath. TheEnd
  16. 16. 3 "You will appear before the Queen, yes," says the Magistrate, "but not like that." She gestures at your tattered, muddy uniform. It's been a rough couple days. Two dark-ha ired maidservants take your arms and lead you towards a side-chamber of the castle. "Don't worry. We'll prepare you for Her Majesty." Oh? Their quick hands strip the torn clothes from your body. You blush , but the smiles on their soft lips make modesty a distant thought. "In the tub," orders one of the maids, and you happily comply. The water is warm and soft. You slide into it like you would your own bed . Then you watch as your attendants remove their own clothes and slide in beside you . They devote a long, long time to making sure you're clean. They're quite thorough. "Much better," they say, rubbing you with silky towels. "Now let's get you dressed ." Relaxed as you are, they handle you easily. Firm, gentle hands direct you onto some kind of large disk. You offer no resistance when those same hands begin to rub oil all over your body. It feels so nice! "The Queen is just going to love you," coos a far-off voice at least it sounds that way, blissed out as you are. You almost get suspicious when one of them stuffs an apple in your mouth. But when you hear the oven roar to life, it becomes pretty obvious that you're on your way to a dinner party! TheEnd
  17. 17. ........l ·"' • •
  18. 18. 85 "Let's see 'em," says Valerie Solaris, infamous star smuggler, putting her boots up on the desk. You open the droid-skin case to reveal a set of twenty-four of the most beautiful , flawless crystal spikes this side of the galactic core. "I got them-" "I know where you got them , sweetheart," Valerie interrupts. "Any dealer would . Hmm. Finding a buyer is gonna be tough, but I think we can get as much as 100,000 credits for them ." She smiles at you . "Split 25-75, that's 25,000 for you, 75,000 for me." WHA1? "Fifty-fifty!" you protest. "I'll do 35-65. 35,000 for you, 65,000 for me.• But you're adamant. She doesn't know what you went through for those spikes - unscrewing them one by one while clinging to the edges of the pit with your fingers and toes for over two hours. It was the only way to survive the Queen's nefarious trap. "Fifty-fifty! 50,000 each! That's my final offer." "Noted," she says, and clocks you on the head. You wake tied to a chair. Valerie is comparing you to your picture on a poster: WANTED! DEAD OR ALIVE. 60,000 CREDIT REWARD . "The famous Star Wench," Valerie smiles. "You know," she says, lifting a spike from the case, "spikes go for much higher on the deathtrap market when they're 'signed' with the blood or famous adventurers."
  19. 19. 8 6 After hours of slow wiggling, you've finally gotten Your arms free of the pool of swamp muck. The sludge jiggles like a pudding with your every movement. You scope the edge of the pool: a vine! Stretching your fingers as far as you can, they only brush against it. It takes all of your strength to push another inch through the muck and grab the cord. Another hour of squirming and pulling gets Your legs free, green slime coating them. You collapse on dry( ish) ground beside the pool of muck. It takes half as long again before you've recovered enough strength to stand and look at the swamp pool. There's a fat black you-shaped hole in the sludge. It reminds you of a frown. You smile wearily. You tum to leave the swamp and then WHAM! You hit the ground. There's a creeper vine wrapped around Your ankle! It must have got snarled in the pool. But when you reach down to tug it loose, the vine pulls taut like a fishing line. Uh oh! You pull with all your might, but YoU can't break its hold!You're being pulled - slowly, of course, but inexorably - back toward the pool and to that familiar black hole. It's no longer shaped like a frown. In fact, it's slowly licking lips that you're surprised YoU hadn't noticed before. If its speed is any precedent, it'll be weeks before
  20. 20. it finishes digesting You. But this is definitely...
  21. 21. 87 "You pass!" the Magister exhales as she finally pulls your head out of her lap. "With flying colors. There's only one more test before you can become a full member of the Moiety Society," she explains as she pulls her robe back on and readjusts her hood. "Are you prepared?" Of course you are! Once you have the help of a secret society, there's no way the Queen will be able to escape you! "Wipe off your face," the Magister tells you, "and put on your lnitiate's robe. Then join us in the Big Cave for your final test." This "robe" is more like a coarse brown sack! Plus it smells like lighter fluid . In the cavern you discover a gate made of flames. Robed figures push you towa rds it. "Just reach the pool," instructs the Magister, "put yourself out, and you will have passed the final test: the Gauntlet." Your eyes follow the trail through the cavern from the burning gate to the small still pool. The path is lined on either side with society members in robes, their hoods lowered so you can see noth ing of their faces but their eager grins. In their hands they carry a variety of instruments: gnarled sticks, wooden boards, laser tazers, metal-tipped flails, lit cigars, rubber bats, plastic truncheons, branding irons. You're beginning to have a bad feeling about this even before the Magister ties your wrists and ankles together. "Good luck!"
  22. 22. 88 "The Star Vench Fan Club meeting on Sirius World ," Suzie tells you, "was the last place we sent WenchBot. You were too lazy to show up personally." Suzie steers the ship to Sirius and lets you off. You havn't heard from your robot double in weeks. Maybe it's too busy basking in the admirations of your fans. Maybe you should have gone yourself! But something about fans has always creeped you out. It's their sense of entitlement, maybe. You uncrumple the flyer and follow the directions. Sirius City is cluttered and mazelike. Finally, turning into an alley, you see it plastered on the far wall: "STAR WENCH FAN CLUB MEETS HERE!" Underneath the sign, mounted on the wall, is an eerily accurate reproduction of your head. "Help," WenchBot groans. You grab your double's head from the wall and kick open the door. Your mouth falls agape at the scene inside. One fan is grinding against WenchBot's detached leg while sucking greedily on the toes. Another has your duplicate's arms, and is sliding its fingers in and out of her pleasure holes. A third has your ass and mid -section, and"Hey!It's the REAL Star Wench!" The club drops their souvenirs and advance slowly towards you.
  23. 23. 89 "DEATH!" cries the judge, banging her gavel over the roa r of the crowd. "You are sentenced to death, the sentence to be carried out by the Terrible Gnawgar." Soon you are chained to a slab in the center of an arena. A nearby pit of foaming acid is not encouraging, nor are the howls and screams that drift from a barred gate. "No fear, little prisoner. We are not as merci less as we seem. A Virtual Reality mask will spare you from the horrors of your execution." A soldier approaches, carrying a golden helmet, inlaid with sparkling gems and circuits, on a pillow. Your captors place it on your head, then retreat. You blink. Suddenly things are different. You're no longer lying on a stone slab, but something Oat and metal - a cookie sheet? You can't help noticing your body has flattened and is now made of gingerbread. A door swings open - and in comes a giant girl in pajamas, licking her lips and rubbing her tummy. Reaching down, she snaps off your cookie leg. Frost ing goes everywhere. She licks it off her fingers, then gobbles up your leg in three messy bites, crumbs dusting you like confetti. Delighted, she lifts you and CHOMPS off your other leg! As she giggles, globs of chewed cookie fly all over your face. She sucks on you, her saliva turning your crisp cookie skin to mush . Then she dunks you in a nearby cup of milk.
  24. 24. 90 In the deepest, most hopeless depth s of the Queen's dungeons - the infamous Droid Pits - you hide behind the melted frame of a robot - a former prisoner - and spy on the Queen's robotics whiz, Doctor Dos Boot. The Doctor's goggle-eyes are focused on the terrified femme-bot strapped to her operating table. With her thumbscrewdrivers, she removes a wide, smooth panel in the bot's belly and sets it aside. The robot's LEDs light up in fear as the Doc's fingers reach into the exposed wiring of her belly cavity, settling on a small yellow-a nd-black dial. The bot stiffens. "You know what this is, right?" Doc asks her patient, stroking the dial with a fingertip. "It's the sensitivity dial on your nervous system. What do you think will happen if I turn it up a bit?" As she twists the dial the robot starts to squirm and then scream as every touch, even the feel of air brushing against her plastic skin, is magni fied into an overwhelming sensation. As her screams reach a crescendo, Doc flips a switch and cuts her volume. "That's horrible!" you say, and then clamp your hand over your mouth. But Dos Boot is already looking in your direction with her tele.scoping eyes. You pull your arms to your sides. stand stock still and pretend to be a droid. "Beep boop!" Soon you are strapped to a table while Doctor Boot prepares to open your belly.
  25. 25. 4 "You poor dear!" the old woman exclaims at the sight of you shivering on her doorstep. "Quickly, come into my parlor!" The crone's eight eyes examine you as you sit in front of the fireplace, slowly wanning. It feels so good to get out of the endless blizzards of North Polestar. Soon your teeth have almost finished chattering. "C-c-could you spare ab-blanket?" "Spare you, child? I'll make you one," she says. And she settles at the foot of your chair, tucks her eight legs under her, and begins weaving with a gossamer fabric that seemingly comes from nowhere. "What brings you to my home, little fly?" she asks as she bundles your chilly feet in a growing blanket. "Why yes, I do fly around, in a starship," you explain, making an effort with her weird local dialect. "Usually. But my ship crashed here and I've been searching for help. Yours is the first house I've seen!" You're beg inning to relax. This blanket is really warm !Snug, too. When she's done weaving , you can't seem to move your arms from your sides. "I can see how you keep warm in this endless winter," you tell her, enjoying your new blanket. "But where does the food come from?" "Sarne as any spider's. From the sky," she says, and lifts and hangs you from a nearby web. TheEnd
  26. 26. 5 You glimpse strange silhouettes surrounding you before you close the door, leaving you in darkness. Guards patrol this part of the castle regularly, and they mustn 't find you in the Queen's secret storeroom! You step gingerly through the pitch-black room, feeling with your hands ahead of you. You paid the finest star cobbler in this quadrant of the galaxy to remove the squeak from your boots, and now your feet move in total silence. Somewhere in this room, you hope, is some clue to the Queen's secret weakness . Your groping hands discover something made of cold, rusted metal. You run your fingers along it. Some kind of cage. Weird , it seems big enough for a person . You press on. You almost trip on some kind of long iron rod. There's what feels like a metal letter Q on the end. Is this a...branding iron? You shiver a little. You set the iron down. Unfortunately, since you can't see the floor, you accidentally drop it with a loud CLANGGG that makes you fr002e on your feet! Footsteps in the hall. coming this way! You have to hide before they get here. Feeling around, you discover some sort of tall, hinged box - big enough to fit you, what fortune! You dive in, pulling the door shut behind you . Unfortunately, the box is an iron maiden, its inside covered in spikes. Whoops! The End
  27. 27. 6 "Suzie, that's such a dirty question!" You can almost hear her grin. "You'd better have a dirty answer." But your late-night phone caJI is interrupted when a tribe of supine, dark-furred catwomen slide out of the trees and into your campsite. They surround you. "Meerowrrr!" purrs one who appears to be a leader, or at least a diplomat, as she stalks forward . "Suzie? Did you hear that?" Good thing you had the foresight to set your gravity phone to "hands-free" mode. "You speak alien languages! What did she say?" "Um. I think she's inviting you to their village." "How do I answer?" you ask, clipping the phone to your belt. On the other end, Suzie clears her throat. Then the phone crackles: "Preeeowwrr!" The catwomen throw their arms up in celebration, hoot ing and meowing . Then they tie you to a pole and carry you to their village. The diplomat springs a knife-like nail from her fingertip and cuts the clothes from your body as you strain not to move a single inch. You are bound kneeling and nude to a post at the center of the village. You watch the catwornen dance around you , hissing and purring. Then you notice your phone in the pile of shredded clothing. "Suzie!Can you hear all that? What's going on?" There's a pause. "They're celebrat ing the arrival of the village's new scratching post." The End
  28. 28. You elect to join the Venusian ambassadors on their mission to Mars. If ycu could win the favor of the Martian Spider-Queen, she would be a powerful ally. "Every year, we send a tribute to the Queen of Mars," the diplomats' leader explains, her delicate antennae twitching. "This ensures continued peace between Venus and Mars.They are quite warlike." "Feeloria!" calls a voice from the leader's bedchambers . "Excuse me," Feeloria says, blushing. "Only a few hours lef t, ycu know !" She stands and flutters down the corridor on her papery wings, leaving you alone on the bridge. As ycu kill time at the console you notice that the ship doesn't seem to have enough crystals to fuel the trip back . You'll pick them up on Mars, you suppose. The red planet is famous for its power crystals. Finally on Mars, you stand with the diplomat ic party as the ship's doors open. Waiting for you is a party of Martian amazons with spears pointed . In the distance you can make out the Queen's entourage. "We come from Venus wit h a tribute to the Spider­ Queen," Feeloria announces to the soldiers. As one, the ambassadors kneel and cross their hands behind their backs. You hur ridly do the same. "Where's the tribute?" you whisper to Feeloria as the amazons advance, unfurling silk ropes. "It's us," the leader of the bug-women replies.
  29. 29. 8 "A letter !" you shout, striding into the Post Office. "A letter to the Queen of Space!" The long line of people in front of the desk ignore you. You take your place at the end of the line and wait. An hour later you reach the front. "A letter," you tell the secretary. "The Queen of Space." "Royal mail," says the secretary. "According to recent regulations, mail intended for the Throne has to be delivered in limerick." You think a few minutes, composing the words that will lure the Queen into your trap.You dictate: There once was a Queen of all Space Vho possessed quite a ravishing face. Though a callous, cruel creature, I'd sure like to meet her. Let's get together:your place? The secretary nods begrudgingly, then calls out to some orderlies."Royal mail!" Two postal workers grab you and spread you over the desk. Before you can protest, a stamp is slapped over your mouth . You can feel the secretary lift your uniform. Your bared back shivers. "All royal mail must be delivered in person. Regulations." You can hear her laser quill heating up. TheEnd
  30. 30. 9 You stare your pursuers down as you inch slowly backwards. You dare not take your eyes off the Sisters of the Saw for even a second, especially in their own castle. The two sisters giggle and laugh - you discover why when you back up against a wall! Oh no! The younger sister waggles her tongue at you, then reaches over with her right hand to pull the ripcord of the chainsaw gauntlet - signature weapon of the order - covering her left. It roars to life. With a chuckle, the older sister does the same. Groping desperately at the wall behind you as the sisters advance, you touch a round metal protuberance - a doorknob! This isn't a wall, it's a door! Quickly, you open the door, dash through, and bar the other side! A moment later, a chainsaw stabs through the door, and you hear giggling on the other side as the saw begins to carve a sister-sized hole. You race down the hall . It looks like a dead end, leading to a single room - wow! The sisters' armory! Chainsaw gauntlets in piles. Time to even the score! When the sisters step through the hole in the door, they find you there waiting for them - with not one chainsaw gauntlet, but one on each arm! Hal Each of the sisters reaches over and pulls her ripcord. You reach to do the same - and discover that with chainsaws for hands, you can't pull the cords! Whoops! The sisters begin laughing again. TheEnd
  31. 31. 10 You've spent hours trying to get Suzie on your gravity phone to ask for a lift off this lawless planet. But now, as the Huntress approaches, you lie as still and quiet as you can in the neck-tall grass. Laser Jane sniffs the air, trying to catch your scent. Her namesake laser machete hums in her hand and a set of human hands and feet hang from her loincloth. You tactfully avoid whimper ing. While you wait for the wind to turn, you try your best to make no sound, no mot ion, and to exude no scent. Jane's nose pricks up - has she caught you? Just then , thankfully, the wind does change: it whistles across the plain, rustling the hairy grasses. Phew! Now you're downwind -Jane can't smell you ! YEEP! What was that? Something brushed your side! It's the grass. The wind is blowing it against the side of your belly. Uh oh! Your belly is ticklish! You clamp your hands over your mouth and endure a long, slow grazing by the feather-light fingers of the rustling grass as Jane scans the area one last time. A flickering strand finds its way into your belly button. You bite down on your lip hard enough that it hurts. Finally, shaking her head , Jane turns to go. That's when your phone rings. "And that's how your Grandma caught this trophy,• Jane tells her descendents, gesturing at the head, hands and feet decorating her mantelpiece. The End
  32. 32. 11 'Ichallenge you to a duel!" you proclaim , your raygun itchy in its holster. The robot merely shrugs and tums with a smirk. "You just signed your death warrant," whispers a saloon girl around the lump in her throat. "Calamity Android's the fastest draw this arm of the spiral." Back-to-back with the robot, you can feel the cool, unbending steel of its shoulders, and you begin to doubt how wise a decision you've made. But your aim is true, your reflexes laser-sharp! Under the judge's directions, you each take five paces. Before your eyes, the street winds to the horizon like a canyon made of people - on-lookers and rubber­ neckers eager to see some red hot gunplay. There's not a shadow among them - the twin suns straddle the peak of the green sky. High double-noon. "At the count of five," the judge's voice creaks, "tum. draw, and fire." You give the handle of your raygun a pat, reassuring yourself . A bead of sweat cuts down your forehead. Then the ju dge starts to count. "One." But before the syllable is even finished, the laser bolt fries the back of your head . Robots count in microseconds. TheEnd
  33. 33. 12 When the din of clanging metal, muffled screams and falling objects has passed, you are amazed to be alive. "That has to be frustrating!" an echoing voice announces . "The dreaded seven-ten split!" You blink open your eyes. The Queen is standing at the end of the alley, Power Glove on her hand . It's clenched into an angry fist around a head-sized ball. Above her, a gigantic mechanical hand imitates her every motion. Turning your head as much as you're able, you glance at Pin 10. She is, like you, locked into a narrow standing cage, a wide base on bottom tapering to a spiked tip on top, too tight to move, wiggle, or otherwise disturb the game. You realize that it's either your life or hers, and when her eyes flicker to meet yours, you see she realizes that too. The Queen cracks her knuckles, the metal of the giant robot hand squealing as it copies her. Guiding the hand like a puppet, she lifts the enormous spiked ball and prepares to bowl . The bars of your cage are so tight the gulp can barely fit down your throat. You are momentarily relieved when you see the ball roll in the direction of Pin 10. "Incredible!" shouts the announcer moments later, "Who would have thought it possible? Our beloved Queen has actually managed to knock one pin into the other, spike first! It's another spare for the Queen, and an historic day for bowling here on Gamma Playa!" The End
  34. 34. I I I I I
  35. 35. 13 "What amuses me," says the Queen of Space, "is that you came to this planet to destroy my orchards, not the Laser Gater orbiting it." She raises the apple for a servant to breathe on, then polishes it on the girl's face until it's a shiny blue. "The unchecked genetic mod ification of food threatens the health of us all," you say. The Queen's servant checks that the straps holding you to the post are tight, then tightens them. Chuckling, the Queen places the apple atop your head . "Don't squirm too much. You wouldn't want me to miss." At the Queen's signal her servants and soldiers climb into shuttles and lift off for lhe horizon. Within mon1ents you are alone in the field. As you watch and wait the sun sets and the moon rises into the sky, its hot red eye trained on you. That's not the moon - it's the Queen's Laser Gazer! A tiny red dot slides across the field toward your feet. It creeps up your leg, caresses your thigh, trails against your belly, and delicately traces your neck . It blinks in your eyes a few times, and you're careful not to turn away, lest you drop the apple. Finally, after lingering on your forehead for a nervous moment, it arrives at its destination , the apple on your head. You try not to tremble as you wait for the shot. The Queen doesn't miss, but the laser is wide enough to level a city. TheEnd
  36. 36. 14 That's right, you DON'T have to take it! You turn and slap the owner of the hand that just settled on your thigh. "Fiesty," says the Truxtan , her oiled purple body glowing in the dim bar lights. "I like that." Your hands curl into fists. "You want to fight, little human?" Like rings around Saturn, the other bar patrons form a small circle around you and your aggressor. She licks her lips in anticipation of a fight. Then, suddenly, she throws a punch! WHUMP! You catch it in your right pahn. The crowd hollars. The Truxtan leers at you as your fingers twine between hers. "Not bad for a human . You know, on Truxta we keep your species as pets." She throws the second punch before she finishes speaking, hoping to catch you off guard. She doesn't. WHOOMP! Her fist lands in your left palm. The on­ lookers holler and cheer as you lock fingers with her. "You're pretty good, kid ," she tells you. With both of your hands occupied , of course, she's free to slug away at you with her other two arms. The crowd hoots and hollers as they watch you get punched and pummelled . When you're sufficiently weakened , the Truxtan throws you over her shoulders and takes you home with her - to Truxta, of course, where you live out the rest of your life as a human pet. The End
  37. 37. 15 "Maximum reality level!" you tell the console. Why would you want to experience the HoloMuseum at anything less than total immersion? The room seems to melt around you like hot wax - or maybe you're just reminded of the waxwork museums that these holograms replaced. In just moments, the room has cooled into a different shape. Wow! The detail on this bathtub is amazing! And these chains feel so real and heavy! You rattle them, de.lighted by the noise they make. But you're really stunned when you finally see her, walking towards you like any living, breathing human being. You blush a little tjhen she shrugs off her robe, and the soft feet of Countess Elizabeth Bathory step daintily down into the wide bathtub. You're transfixed by her beauty as she kneels before you, her eyes flashing. Your nostrils tingle. Even your nose isn't neglected in this performance! You take a deep whiff : she smells of rosewater and something else, something coppery. When her baby·soft fingers turn your head to the side, you shiver like it was any real live person touch ing you. And when she opens your neck with her knife, you again react with the ubnost realism. Maybe you should have paid more attention to I he warning sign: "CAUTION! At MAXIMUM REALITY level, the exhibits you experience are real!" The End
  38. 38. 16 You've made it into the storage area of the Queen's biotechnology lab, and now you're counting doors. You're looking for the room where the synthetic mouths are kept - hopefully they can give you a tip on what the Queen is planning. "Three, four, five, six, seven...aha! Forty-eight !" Your realize you've miscounted when the door opens and you're grabbed by what must be forty-seven arms, which quickly spread you on the floor as they start to tug off your clothes. "Wait! I think I've got the wrong room ! I was looking for-" But a hand clamps over your mouth before you can finish. The others are deciding - by a show of hands, natural ly - who'll be scratching, who'll be squeezing, and who'll be tickling. A few of the hands suggest, through vivid charades. other possibilites. As itchy lingers scurry towards you, you commun icate the only way you can: sign language! "Wrong room!" you sign with your own hands. "Could you direct me toward Room Forty-Eight?" As one, the hands stop, visibly disappointed . Simultaneously, they all point their thumbs left. Relieved, you hop over to the next door, pulling your clothes back on. Unfortunately, disembodied arms aren't good with directions, and you're soon being trampled by a room full of legs. The End
  39. 39. 1 7 Wrapped in chains on the cold metal slab, you watch the pendulum swing back and forth overhead . The pendulum , a pretty reptilian girl with icy scales, is also wrapped in chains, hung upside-down by her prehensile toes. A steel ring holds her mouth open. A drop of yellow drool drips off her lips and splashes onto the slab next to you, immediately melting a hole through the metal. Yikes! You pull in your legs just in time to avoid a second drip, which burns through the place your feet had been moments before. Looking up, you see your fellow prisoner's mouth pool helplessly with acid. As you squirm on the slab, dodging the fatal drops, a sleek black robot with a camera for a head sits on a chair nearby, recording the event for the Queen - and perhaps the open market - while thumbing the blinking pink buttons between her legs. If the Queen wants a show, you'll give her one! Deftly, you twist your body out of the way of a downfall of acid droplets from your poor compatriot above. Carefully, you let the drops eat through your chains as they fall. Finally, you bust out of the shattered chains like a cocoon. You sit up. The slab, eaten through with holes like an anthill, collapses under your weight. Undemeath is a titanium steel basin , which has dutifully caught all the acid you've dodged. The video sells out instantly. The End
  40. 40. FOR EVERYONE UNAFRAID TO BE A STAR WENCH OR A QUEEN OF SPACE
  41. 41. 1 8 You plug the wire into your head . Sight, sound, touch scatter like shadows before a flourescent light. Your body shuts off. Your mind dives into an electric reality. A Hat blue plain hums beneath you . Cyberspace! You imagine a tower and it's there, stabbing red from the ground . The Queen's NetFortress! Blocking the door is an enormous wall of Intrusion Countermeasure Electronics - ICE! Fortunately, you had the sense to wear your data parka. You reach for your ICE-cracking program and it's in your hands, a hammer and chisel. The ICE shatters at the touch. You're in! The Tower stretches endlessly, a torus covered in data files, which rez into sight as neon women chained to the walls. You approach one, reaching for your hacking program : a spring-loaded mouth clamp. Soon the file's telling you everything she knows: the Queen, this very nloment , is on the Holodeck for "relaxation ." This is your chance! If you can hack into the Queen's relaxation simulation you can catch her unawares! The Holodeck's wearing a chastity belt, but you have a password breaker. You plunge in. The Queen's face appears. Success! You've infiltrated her program! Her holo-body is dressed in a hooded red robe. And heating a metal poker over a fire. That's when you realize that you're bolted to a wooden table. And that you should have considered what blowing off steam means to the Queen of Space. The End
  42. 42. 19 Your contact at Roda's All-Night Diner never shows, but through luck you make another connection. "W-what's good here?" you ask, having a hard time getting your eyes off the pair of lips smiling across the table at you. "I see something that looks tempting ," she says. Her skin is green - yours must be red . Your eyes flee to the relative safety of the menu. Beneath the table, her tentacles wra p around your leg. The menu describes the house specialty: Spiral Fries, curled in I he gravity of a kitchen singularity. Her tentacles are unzipping your boot and tugging it off . You dare to look up at her. Her smile remains innocent as. beneath the table, lens of tiny sucker-lips plant kisses and nibbles along your caught foot. You try not to be squirming too visibly when the waitress hovers over. "Vhat'll you have?" You hurriedly order the fries. "And you?" asks the other head. "Noth ing for me," says your companion. "I already know what I'm having tonight." Both of the waitress's heads blush. One of them winks at you as she retreats. "Saving room for dessert?" you dare. "II the taste I've gotten is any indication ," she says, "it ought to be delicious.• You let her take you back to her place. where you spend a hot, wet night digesting in a tentacle-lined mouth-cavity. TheEnd
  43. 43. 20 You gulp down the contents of the chic, chair-shaped glass."Thick but tasty!What was that?" "Uh, you just swallowed Amoeboid Officer Hoglagoon of the Space PD," says the bartender. Your hands, of their apparent own will, are feeling your face. "Never met an amoeboid , eh? They control the bodies of other life-forms from within. Your body's hers for good in thirty days if she doesn't leave." You try to jab a finger down your throat but your arm yanks itself beh ind your back . Hurriedly, you order one of every drink in I he house. "Halt! You hear yourself shout at the bartender. " "Don't assist this criminal! I'm taking this perp in 1" The bartender shrugs as you pull you rself to your feet. •1 suggest you come quietly," you hear yourself whisper as your legs carry you out of the bar. You try and drag your feet. "Resisting arrest, eh?" You shove yourself into several walls on the way to the Precinct. "This is Hoglagoon, undercover," your mouth tells the front desk. "Prepare a room. I'm going to need to strip-search this perp." As you r body drags itself toward the door, your hands pull on leather gloves. You have nothing to do with the smile on your face. At the trial, you confess to swallowing an officer. Since it was an accident, the judge is lenient - she gives you just thirty days in the local jail. The End
  44. 44. 21 You step into the coliseum with the three other combatants , each naked and unarmed but for the zap collar on her neck . In the stands you spot the Queen , draped in slaves - if you want to win an audience with her, you'll have to take first prize in her favorite sport: Galactic Chicanery! You take your place inside a red circle. The four of you stand in square formation: one in a Green circle, one in Yellow, one Pur ple. If both feet leave your circle, the zap collar will administer the fatal jolt. Standing at the edge of her circle, Green swings at Yellow. But Yellow grabs her and pulls her into her own circle. She gives Green's lips a kiss as the zap collar fries her from within .ZAPPO! That's one down! You retrea t to the far edge of your circle. Yow! Your heels start to sizzle! Your circle's shrinking underneath you - and so is everyone else's! Yellow aims a kick at Purple. But Purple gives her foot a speedy tickle and she shrieks and ju mps back , out of her circle. ZAPPO! One opponent left. Now your circles are too small now for either of you to move. You and Purple stare each other down, faces stern. Then you bring your hands to your mouth and make the ugliest face you can! She's caught off guard and takes a step back. It's her undoing !ZAPPOI You're the champion ! Yes! You bow gracefully, then turn and step off your circle. ZAPPO!Whoops! The End
  45. 45. '"<. " ' '
  46. 46. 22 The Queen hot on your heels, you throw open the first door you find and slam it behind you. Then you stop cold. The Queen's bathroom has a living floor! The noor of the Royal Bath Chamber is tiled with girls, their bare backs twitching under the light of flourescent bulbs. From this sea of bodies rises an enormous black toilet-throne twisted and crenella ted like a haunted house. But what catches your eye is the small window at the far end of the girl-carpet. You hear the doorknob turning - better hurry! You pull off your boots and begin crossing the floor of flesh . "Sorry! Sorry! Gosh, you're sweaty!" Muffled groans and - moans? - accompany your traversa l of the floor. You hear the door swing open. Finally you reach the window - locked ! Muffled cries of pain sound closer and closer. You fumble with the latch. Finally the window swings open! "Don't move." You tum. The Queen is perched like a gargoyle atop her monstrous toilet, laser gun in hand . She shoots at your feet! You jump - and the girl you were standing on shrieks and dissolves into a red paste. You slide down into the hole she occupied. "You look good there," says the Queen. She gives you the privilege of being installed face-up. The next day, the door swings wide. "The window's still open," the Queen observes. So she comes to shut it. She's wearing six-inch spike heels. The End
  47. 47. 23 "Take me to the Death Ray!" you order, damping your hand over the guard's mouth. After an initial muffled squeal of surprise, she relaxes considerably, nestling her body against yours. "Uh, o-okay. Start walking!" With one of your hands over her mouth and the other pinning her arms, she leads you through a small labyrinth of beetle-black hallways, moaning softly. You enter a large room that stinks of Kessel Rum. "Jetta Jupiter! Taken hostage again? That's the third time this week." Two guards are seated at a table covered in a game of Poke Her. Behind them: the Queen's Death Ray in all its majesty. "Don't move!" you threaten. "Or I'll-" One of the guards lifts you effortlessly with metal arms. "Wanted a look at the Gun, huh? Here you go." Up close, the cannon seems to have a huge six­ chambered titanium cylinder, each chamber currently empty. "Ray-Gun Roulette?" asks the second guard, grinning with metal teeth. You're stuffed face-first into one of the cannon's chambers. Through the barrel, you can see the guards tying a frantic Jetta to the wall and painting a target on her belly. Then huge metal arms push in a huge metal bullet, spin the chamber, and pull a giant trigger. "Phew," sighs Jetta, when nothing comes out of the gun. "Ew," says Arms, puling out the bullet, sticky with the smooshed remains of your body. The End
  48. 48. 24 You've done it! You've successfully taken Space Medusa's place. It was hard undressing her without looking at her, but Suzie, your pilot, let you practice on her in the dark. You cut tiny eye-slits in the veil as you race to make the meeting with the Queen. "These ones will make magnificent columns," says the Queen of Space, runn ing her hands along the stone bellies of the four statues, tall girls holding their arms over their heads. "But what I need now is...a center piece. I'll double your pay. You may use this." The Queen's guards untie a pretty, star-skinned girl and push her forward. She strikes a dramatic pose. "Cover your eyes," the Queen commands. "An artist demands privacy.• On cue, everyone present, save the girl, obediently covers their eyes and waits. This is your chance! You fling the veil from your face - ah, now it's much easier to see! Immediately you locate the Queen of Space and race towards her. Now you've got her! "IMPOSTER!." someone screams, and you instinctively turn your head to gaze upon the most beautiful face you've ever seen in your life. "It's perfect," says the Queen when she unsh ields her eyes, admiring her newest statue, the head turned , the eyes full of wonder. "You truly are an artist." Space Medusa just smiles, adjusting a veil made from a hastily-procured plastic bag. The End
  49. 49. 25 "It's the archeological find of a century! cries Dr. Reba " Roundbottom , climbing out of her heels and across her sorapus-wood desk to get a better look. "You were right to bring this to me." Mummies drifting in space sarcophogi have been turning up for years, but this is the first time one of them was interred with a map to the homeworld . "We've found it," says Dr. Roundbottom , her heels tapping across the ancient stone of a long ead world. d · "The Afterlife Engine." You take a few steps forward , gazing in awe. A star-splashed alien sky is blotted out by the pyramid· haped bulk of the ancient mach ine s and the cannon-like column at its very top. Its Gate of Eternity lies open before you, real as the grave, its threshold untrodden for countless eons. "But does it still work?" You feel a heel in your ass and you're shoved forward into the ancient mach ine. Lights like the eyes of ghosts wink to life around you. "Excelsior!I will achieve immortality through this discovery!" Reba Roundbottom revels as the ancient craftworks wrap you toes-to-head in bandages. "And you will achieve immortality in the classical way." Wrapped tight in synthetic rags, you feel the space sarcophagus slam shut around you. Though the coffin-bullet accelerates up the launch tube towards space and eternity, your adventu res in the land of the living seem to have come to... The End
  50. 50. 26 You tap the auto-pilot with a lazy foot and the ship begins to slowly cruise toward the Septagon Starwash. The Starwash is a conf iguration of satellites arranged above the serpent world Septagon, equipped with lasers that will methodically comb the outside of the ship and burn off any clinging material. Just what the ship needs. especially after that detour through the Tarball Nebula. You lost the Queen's starf ighters, but your ship, the Involuntary Moan, emerged so filthy that it's almost invisible against the black of space. Your pilot Suzie has been pretty strung out about the state of her beloved ship. Where is Suz.ie, anyway? You check her cabin. Then you think better of it and check your own. Though the bed is ruffled , your mate is long gone. You comb every inch of the ship, but no pilot. She wou ldn't have gone outside and started cleaning by hand, would she? She can't be that obsessive? Climbing out onto the top of the ship, sure enough, you see Suzie - lying face-down on the ship's blackened surface. "Mm stff dr drr shff!" she says. "Huh?" you ask, kneeling beside her with a SQUELCH. Eww! You realize you r knees have become glued to the sticky ship! You push with your hands.SQUELCH . Now those are stuck too! lck! While you tug helplessly at the black tar, you notice the laser satellites blink online. The End
  51. 51. 27 or all the planets you've crash-landed on, the best so far is undoubtedly Aqua Agua - the water planet. Your ship bobs like an island on an endless green ocean. On top of the craft your pilot Suzie has stretched out a blanket on which she lies belly-down, holophones over her ears, sunbathing. Crashing her precious ship did not leave her in the mood for skinny-dipping. She doesn't know what she's missing. You float with the sea. Suddenly you feel what must be seaweed brush past your ankle. It tickles in the weird way that things do under the water, and you wish you'd been more persistant in trying to persuade Suzie. You turn back toward the ship, which has grown smaller on the water bu t is still within earshot. "Hey, Su-" Before you can finish you're tugged underwater. You come up gasping, looking around you. You suddenly realize that seaweed needs ground to grow on and open your mouth to call out again. Down you go again, and come up spitting out water. You definitely felt it this time: hands around your ankles. You take a deep breath, hold your mou th closed, and make a break for the ship. This time she keeps you underwater, smiling into your eyes. A mermaid! She pries your mouth open with her tongue, giggling as bubbles stream past her face. Then she holds you tight to her sinuous body, and shows no signs of letting go anytime soon. The End
  52. 52. 2 8 Your disguise worked perfectly! It took forever to dig up the right robot parts, but they got you into Dome Three. Now you've just got to find the Mother Brain, the living repository or all the information of a galaxy and the central intelligence of Planet Gemrule. "YOU ARE NO ROBOT, HU-MAN," shouts a reprimanding voice inside your mind. You look up and see her, a mass of red coral in a titanic fish bowl armless and legless, for the machines are her arms. "F forgive me, Mother Brain," you begin, taking off your robot mask, "I was hoping that-" "WHY HAVE YOU LIED TO YOUR MOTHER ," screams that voice again. Metal arms suddenly descend from the ceiling. their pincers taking hold of you. "YOU HAVE BEEN VERY, VERY BAD." "Hey! Don't! Lemme go! you struggle as the " meta l claws tug down you r robot pants. "DON'T YOU TALK BACK . YOU NEED TO BE PUNISHED ." WHAM!! You cry out, tears forming in your eyes. You weren 't expecting the sudden slap of a meta l hand on your rear. WH.AM!! "Space butts!" you curse. "HOW DARE YOU USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE .• A robot hand descends, a bar of soap clasped between its pincers. You tremble. After she's done washing your mou th out, Mother Brain puts you in the corner for a long ti1ne: one The End
  53. 53. thousand yea rs. You'll be cryogen ically frozen. The End
  54. 54. 29 Good going! Now you're trapped on the only desert island on Wet World, with nothing to eat but a handful of tasteless food capsules - rationed carefully, they're scarcely enough for one person , let alone two! But at least your companion is cute. Stella Starborn, having shared your escape pod , now shares your beach, wearing nothing but the remnants of her space pirate uniform tied around her waist. Her lithe blue body seems to twinkle in the sunlight. Just you and she alone for miles - you could do much worse. You catch her staring at you a few times while she tosses twigs onto the signal bonfire. Once, you're sure you see her lick her soft orange lips. Your heart flutters! You smile back at her. then return your attention to what's between your legs - a hole in the sand in which to store the precious food capsules. Finally Stella makes her move. A bare foot shoves you back onto the sand, and then she's straddling you, hand over your mou th and teeth sunk in your neck. Wow! This lady knows exactly what you like! She pulls out a length of rope that she must have fashioned from vines and bark. You blush, allowing her to do whatever she wants with you. She ties your arms and legs like a Martian goose, then hangs you on a stick above the bonfire . As the flames tickle your back, you see Stella smile and drop the food capsules in the ocean. TheEnd
  55. 55. 30 "Rainy season on this planet comes suddenly. Unpredictable, though. Could be months , could be hours. Dunno about you, but I'm thirsty right NOW." You hear the popping of a cap followed by a glugging sound: Jane drinking from her canteen. From your height, though , all you can see are her bare feet on the hard clay. You glare at them in jealousy , your dry throat sizzling. "You too, huh? Well, don't ever say Laser Jane was unfair to you . A parting gift." She scratches out a tiny hole in the earth a few inches from where you're buried up to your neck . Then she wedges the cap of her canteen inside and fills it to the brim with water. "Make it last," Jane says as she turns and walks away across the wasteland. As your parched tongue waggles helplessly in the direction of the capful, you watch Jane's form diminish unt il it is absorbed by the brown haze. You stare at the cap, trying to will the water to jump into your mouth . Suddenly you think you see a tiny splash. Is this a mirage? Are you getting heat stroke? Then you feel a raindrop land on your head . And another. And another and another. It's starting to pour! Jane didn't lie about the rainy season. Now you have all the water you could ask for. In fact, it's already reached your chin and showing no signs of stopping' All you can drink - but you'd better drink fast! The End
  56. 56. 31 You remember the Duchess' warning: the third and final riddle was rigged by the Queen to keep intruders from finding the secret entrance to her castle. The blinking red eyes of the Robot Riddlemaster stare at you, awaiting your answer to its most dastardly question. You give the response you've rehearsed : "They both taste weird on a bun!" The Riddlemaster whirs and clicks. Then its eyes glare solid red . "INCORRECT!" Did the Duchess lie to you? You don't remember her tongue being forked. You remember it being soft, quick and seemingly tireless. But in your defense, she did make you wear a blindfold most of the time. How could you have fallen for her trick? She's the Queen's vassal - of course she would deceive you! Before you can chide yourself further for your incredibly foolish decision, the floor opens up under you and you tumble towards what looks to be a sky full of stars. Then you realize the stars are actually the gleaming tips of a thousand knives. TheEnd
  57. 57. 32 The air conditioners cough to life, but they're not going to have much of an effect with the ship hurtling towards the sun. You've got to get to an escape pod! You stumble out the door onto the main deck. The heat is already approaching overwhelming. As you hurry toward the launch bay your clothes begin to melt on your body. You peel them off and hop on bare feet down a corridor of hot steel. If you can just reach that escape pod! The mechanism controlling the door to the launch bay has melted. To open it you have to press your naked shoulder to the white-hot metal of the door and shove. You grit your teeth and do it, screaming anyway. You're immediately blinded . The transparent aluminum window of the launch bay fills the room with the searing white light of the nearing sun. You throw yourself blind into the inferno. Feeling along the fire-hot walls, you find the escape pod hatch at last. You slam it shut behind you, wiping a pool of sweat from your forehead. Any hotter, any hotter at all and you'd collapse! Thank goodness you've found the escape pod at last! But then your sight comes back, and you see that the inside of the pod and its lone seat are all upholstered with fur. The End
  58. 58. J I j - t ' f t ,/ ) - I
  59. 59. 33 Valerie slips the noose around your neck and tightens it. Her hands linger for a moment. "Any last words," she purrs, "before I switch the gravity back on?" You push away from her, swinging towards the back of the small pod like a pendulum . "Yeah ," you say, as you brace your feet against the back wall of the spherica l chamber. "You snore like a vacuum breach!" You push off the wall and bring your knees up against Valerie Solaris's chin - POW! - knocking the dreaded star smuggler out cold. You spit at her, but in zero-g your spit coalesces into a small, hovering ball. You lift your legs, sliding your bound hands under and to your front. Hyperelastic tow cable, and so's the noose - there's little hope of cutting or loosening it. The noose is held by an emergency clamp at the top of the pod - you're going to have to disengage it! The button blinks on the dashboard near Valerie's snoring body. You take the noose in your hands and swing your legs to the wall. Then you begin walking along the rounded wall toward the controls. "Ack!" A floating ball of spit smacks against your eye. You slip and flail across the pod, tapping a button with your foot. You can't tell at first because of Valerie's snoring, but it turns out to be the airlock. The good news is that your hyperelastic noose keeps you from being sucked into space. The bad news is that the velocity snaps your neck. TheEnd
  60. 60. 34 You slam the door beh ind you, panting. Then you hurridly check yourself over: you're fine, to your surprise. They may be phantoms , but you could swear you felt the space ghosts' claws tear through your Oe.sh!Your clothes and body are unmarked, however. If the ghosts can't pass through the door, then it means your suspicions are correct: somewhere on this derelict vessel is a Spectre Projector, which emits a field in which spiritual beings have the properties of physical matter! You've got to find it and turn it off! You creep down the corridor. The ship has been without p0wer for eons, but an eerie green glow lights up the hallways. This is a haunted place, alright. "WhooOOoo!" You stop in your tracks' "VhOOooOO!" You can hear the ghosts dosing in ghostly wails come from all directions! You fill your lungs with air and shout "WhoooOOOOOoooo !!" "WhOOoooo!" the ghosts answer, receding , satisfied that you 're one of them. With so many ghosts around, you must be near the Projector! Sure enough, you find the machine nearby, crackling with green ghost energy. As you approach the big on/off switch, a dozen ghostly forms slide out of the shadows, waving their claws. "Begone, spooks!" You flip the switch, and the ghosts fade into nothingness , What a relief! YARGH! You're fading away too! You were a ghost all along' TheEnd
  61. 61. TABLE OF IILUSTRATORS Kendle F B . . .. .. .. . .. .. .. .. .. . ... . .. 7, 42 Cherry ................................................................. 45 J Christian . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... 32,60, 70 Rebecca Clements ... ... . ........ 22, 95, cover Jasmine Cote ..................................................... 80 Cassandra Freire ... ... ... ... . . .. . . . .. 17, 37 Kinuko .............................................................. 80 Pauli "madamluna" Kohburger . . . . . . . . . . . . 12, 55 Virginia McCarthy . ... ... ... .. . .. .... . 50, 90 Loren Schmidt ........................................................ 85 Mia Schwartz . .. . . . . . ...... . ...... . . . 65, 75 Katie Skelly ................................................................ 27
  62. 62. 35 "I must thank you on behalf of the Resistance League for volunteering ," says Field Nurse Bitpoker. ''The Resistance needs those nitrogen bombs . And there aren't many humans in this pa rt of the galaxy." "What does being human have to-?" "Drink this," says Bitpoker, handing you a cup filled with some dear liquid . Gulp! It tastes like water ! "And this. And this. And the rest of these." They all taste like water. Your belly feels wobbly and heavy. "Now this part may be embarassing, so I'll turn away.I need you to insert this catheter." Blushing, you reach beneath your short gown and carefully inser t the catheter with a grunt. A tube runs from it - to an enormous tank in the corner of the room. When Nurse turns back you give her a look. "We recently discovered," she says, poking your swollen belly, "that human urine is an excellent source of nitrogen ." You squirm, suddenly very nervous. "I, uh, I can't pee when someone's watch ing." "That's what the hands are for." she says. Four svelte robot hands on long mechanical arms swing down, grabbing your wrists and ankles. Six more swoop down towards your belly, sides, and underarms, plastic fingers wiggling in anticipat ion. Over your laughter, Nurse Bitpoker shouts, "We're almost halfway toward a nitrogen bomb ! Of course, the fleet won't launch until all 9,000 ships are armed." The End
  63. 63. 36 There's no time to visit Dinosaur World! You've got to rendezvous with the mothership as quickly as possible and detours mean wasted time! You barely glance at the next space billboard as it goes by - barely read the promise of hundreds of dinosaur species brought back from extinction , of an entire planet crawling with life that has miraculously, aided by gene splicers, jumped death's chasm to arrive in the now, just a few light-years off your present course. You frown and steer your star pod onward. You definitely see the next billboard , though. "Dinosaur Slide?'" Time to change course! "All lhese dinosaurs!" you exclaim to the tour guide as she leads you up the stairs to the famous Dinosaur Slide. "How do you afford to keep them?" "We sssurvive entirely on tourisssm ," she hisses. "But how can you possibly feed them all?" You arrive at the top of the stairs, face to face with a giant lizard ! Its smooth long neck stretches down down down . The Dinosaur Slide! "The universsse providesss ," says the tour guide, a reptilian smile cracking her face in half . Then the dinosaur opens its huge mouth and she gives you a shove from beh ind! As advertised, it's a long, exhilarating ride to the bottom, and the final splashdown is like nothing you'll ever experience anywhere else. TheEnd
  64. 64. 37 You kneel before the Lollipop Princess of Candy Constellation. She extends to you a perfect foot of transparent pink candy to kiss. You give it a slow, tasting lick instead. Yum !Strawberry! "How dare you!" Suddenly candy cane hooks are around your throat. "Who granted you the privilege of tasting Our roya l body? As though We were some common bonbon for your sweet tooth !Milk chocolate maids lie melting in Our dungeons for less!" You open your mouth to apologize and an enormous gumdrop is stuffed into it. "Take this insolent piece of meat to the kitchen!" Soon you're strapped to a high-chair, watching as Imperial Jawbreakers march a procession of licorice­ tied candy prisoners - marshmallow, jellybean , saltwater taffy - into the eager hands of the Royal Chefs. A girl made of cake is dragged screaming into a side chamber. Minutes later, a plate full of cupcakes is carried out by a chef in an icing-splattered apron and set on the kitchen table. Hard candy fingers pry your mouth open and the first of the cupcakes is stuffed inside. As you struggle to choke down the cupcake pile, you watch as more prisoners disappear into the adjacent room and more and more plates of food stack up on the table. One of your captors opens a carton of milk and pours it out on the floor at your feet. Gulp. The End
  65. 65. 38 "So you're our new dancer, eh?" says Madame Zzt, looking you over. "Yes. Oh yes. You'll do marvelously. Here, put these on. This will be your costume." She hands you a set of wide metal bracelets for your wrists and ankles. They're covered in intricate lines that retnind you of circuitry. You put them on. Madame coughs. "They're the entire costume, dear." Blushing , you remove the rest of your uniform. You're nervous as you wait to be called on stage. The only reason you signed up at this joint is because you'd heard the Queen is among the clientele. You're not especially confident in your abilities as a dancer you're really more of an action-adventurer . But, amazingly, when you start your routine you quickly fall into a groove. You're moving like you've never moved before! Then you realize that it's these bracelets that are actually moving your limbs - you see Madame Zzt nearby, fingering a joystick! You blush . Your dance is getting increasingly lewd -and you have no way of controlling it! Madame raises the controller into the air. Gulp. You realize she's taking bids! "A thousand credits!" shouts one voice. 'Five thousand! shouts another. " "One million credits," a cool voice commands. Madame Zzt smiles and hands over the controls to your limbs. No one would be insolent enough to bid against the Queen . The End
  66. 66. 39 You've had enough of Minnow Star, the planet of tiny beings. Your departure is hastened by a crowd of miniature natives chasing you with tiny ropes, torches and pitchforks. You're fortunately faster than them your legs are much, much longer - but you keep tripping over ankle-high forests and hills. Their angry shouts remain a continuous buzz on the horizon. Overcoming a waist-high hill, you're met with the welcome sight of your landing pod, standing where you parked it on top of the local burial grounds. Whoops. It's on the other side of what must be a canyon to the little people - but just a single leap for you! Escape is near! You reach to your belt and dick the remot e to open the landing pod. While you're looking down a small redwood tree snags your ankle and you trip! You see brambles like knives coming at your face! Phew! You manage to grab the far ledge with your fingers, hanging on to the near one with your toes. That was a close one - those brambles are sharp and inches from your skin. You tighten your grip. While you're wondering how long you can hold yourself up, your pursuers arrive. Fortunately, they forget their anger when they see your open pod glittering with giant-size treasures. They send back for volunteers, wheelbarrows and tiny elephants, which they proceed to march across their newfound bridge . TheEnd
  67. 67. 40 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" proclaim the partygoers. The Queen of Space has just turned forty - forty rotations of her fortress planet, Gamma Playa, around its sun. "Some at Your age consider drinking the youth of their slaves," the Duchess of Milabia discreetly whispers to the Queen. "I'm not saying You need to, My Grace, but it wou ld be a shame if the galaxy were to ever be deprived of Your beautiful countenance." The palace slaves are scrambling to wait on all the celebrities who have shown up to wish the Queen well. Lady Ladystomper, High Priestess of SlayVor is here, keeping her distance from Sister Mary Maglaser of the House of the Endless Nova . The hunter Laser Jane is bragging about her latest trophies to Valerie Solaris, the notorious star smuggler. Venus Velva , host of KHIWheel, the galaxy's most popular game show, sits with a fractal martini in her tentacle. The Queen's head engineer, Doctor Dos Boot, rummages through a robot's innards. The Lollipop Princess gossips with the Big Bird of Highest Climb, while the Martian Spider-Queen wraps some slaves in silk for later. And of course, you're here too! The Duchess, giggling , ties a blindfold around the Queen's eyes, and Venus slides a long, polished ptu1ishment stick into her hands. Doctor Boot spins the Queen around and gives her a push - right toward where you're hanging bound from the ceiling! The End
  68. 68. 41 WHAM! You bring your arms down on the back of the soldier's head, knocking her cold. Then you tug her into one of the less busy alleys of Eroticon Nine, the Queen's personal pleasure planet, to strip her.The soldier - Lieutenant Jetta Jupiter by the name on her badge - has a date with the Queen's favorite whore and confidante, who has informat ion you need! In your new uniform, which you notice seems to lack underwear, you slip tOvard the boud ior. "You've been a naughty little soldier, Lieutenant Jupiter," hisses the mistress, "I've read your Fetish List." One hand dangles the thorough -looking paper, while her other arms quickly ensnare you in a web of rope. Surprise nearly causes you to blow your cover, but fortunately she crams an enormous rubber ball in your mouth in the nick of time. "Good thing I knOv just what to do with worms like you." She sets the paper down nearby and turns, her asses wiggling in the air as she walks to the corner of the room to retrieve something shiny. You pull your eyes off her bobbing bottoms and scan the list. Going commando ...rope harnesses...feigning resistance ...oversized gags...needles to the face, receiving? "WHAT?" you try to shout, but that gag doesn't even leave you room enough to move your tongue. The End
  69. 69. 42 "I know exactly what you want," she says with a mean little smile. She's not kidding. Telepathic whores are among the most desired pleasures of Eroticon Nine, the Queen's personal pleasure planet - though some clients, of course, are terrified at the thought of confronting their greatest and most intense desire. Not you! By the time the telepath takes off her Queen of Space costume hours later, you're feeling exhausted but great. Weird how she hasn't unt ied you yet , though. She chuckles at your quizzical expression . "Today I have the rare opportunity to actually provide a client's greatest desire, not just a simulation." Nude, nine-eyed women burst through the door, playing a fanfare on telescoping space horns. Behind them a crawling, hooded slave unrolls a red carpet with her head. Finally the Queen - the real one! strides across the rug, her space-black cape following . "Your Majesty," says the telepath, between licks of the Queen's boot, "this creature harbors treasonous thoughts against your Empire. Also, some interesting ideas about what goos on in the Royal Chambers." The Queen snaps her gloved fingers and the nine­ eyed servants gather you up for the luggage chamber of her starship. You hear the telepath ask what the Queen has planned for you . The Queen says nothing , but you can see the horror in the mind-reader's eyes. TheEnd
  70. 70. 43 "Alright ," you tell the Purloin urchin kneeling at your feet, "a shoe-shine." Why not? You've recently come into some money. The Purloin smiles and unfurls her tongue, a prel1ensi le pink tentacle furred like a cactus in tiny bristle -pricks. She sets to work. Slowly and methodically, her coarse tongue trawls every inch of your boots. The urchin really gets into her work - you think you catch her moaning a few times. You're blush ing when she finishes. And your boots are, as promised, spotless and glean1ing! "Get yourself something nice," you say, tossing her a couple of Loin-coins. She thanks you. "Thief!" you hear someone yell. "Cheat!" Spinning, you see a mob of naked Purloins shoulder their way through the crowd . Looks like they're not happy about your recent windfall! You can't help it if you're a strip poker pro. You grab a raggedy overcoat from a nearby vendor, tossing the merchant a coin, and wrap the coat around you, hiding your face and body . The mob comes over, scanning high and low. You think they're about to walk on when they notice your gleaming boots. "Hey!" Soon you're splayed nude on the poker table, coin purse stuffed in your mouth, surrounded by a crowd of Purloins. They lean down over you, licking their lips witl1 long cactus tongues. The End
  71. 71. 44 "Sure, I'll get right to work on maintaining the ship's robots," you tell Suzie, your pilot, then head straight for the bathroom. I'll get right to work - after a quick shower, you think . The shower-bots need verification as much as any other system on the ship, especially since you taught them those special programs . "Shower," you command, reclining on a soft, chair-like mass formed out of the pliable elasti-plastic walls of the shower pod, "special program M. Level l." You relax as one of the shower-bots , a long, snake-like tentacle with a nozzle on its head, begins to slither up your leg. This is gonna be good, you think, letting your eyes close. That whole ordeal with the Artemedian "exercise" machines left you exhausted. PHBBBBBT. "Laser labies! you curse as the " robot sprays you in the face with a jet of cold water. The heck? Maybe the bots DO need maintenance! "Shower-" you start, then the tentacle wraps around your neck. Huh? Choking's not until Level 3! You reach for the manual controls, but the tentacle holds you back , shoving you against the elasti-plastic wall. Now the other bots are getting into the act - you watch the one with the moving bristles nervously. The nozzle continues to spray water everywhere. No doubt about it, these bots are on the fritz. In fact, that one just started sparking! Hey, wait - you just realized you're in a shower filled with water! BZZZZT!! The End
  72. 72. 45 "Boots," a slave tells you calmly as she scrubs blood from the floor below you. "She's going to skin you and have your skin made into boots." A second slave, chained to an anti-matter grindstone, is sharpening a glowing blue laser sword . "Oh, don't worry!" the slave reassures you when she sees you struggle with the ropes. "The boots are made by robot craftsmen. Jt takes almost no time at all! You'll get to see the Queen try them on before you bleed to death. Maybe," - there's a dreamy look in her eyes - "maybe she'll even let you lick them." That night you hang above the sparkling clean killing floor. coarse rope around your ankles. The sword glows softly on a ceremonial tray nearby. Nearby, but far enough that even if your hands weren't tied you would be unable to reach it. You'll have to rely on the psychic training you underwent in Psi City! You fix the sword with a hard stare, reach ing out to it with your mind. You visualize an unseen hand lifting the blade into the air and cutting you free. For a long time. the sword remains still. But suddenly it starts to shake!Then to rattle' Then it flies into the air! "The Queen will be furious." laments one slave as she sponges the floor, "that the prisoner managed to commit suicide before she arrived!" nDon't vorry," her companion assures her. "You and J will make beautiful boots." TheEnd
  73. 73. 46 "Witch! Witch!" You can hear the villagers chant as they chase you down the street. "For the last time," you shout back at the.m, "I said my name is Star WENCH!" Then you trip and fall on your face. You look up. You're on the stairs of the local church , the House of the Endless Nova . "Sanctuary!" you shout. "Sanctuary!" A cyborg nun with a robotic eye opens the cathedral doors and ushers you inside. "All wayward travellers sooner or later find their way back into the Light," says Sister Mary Maglaser, over the drone of nearby prayer. "In the Light of the Endless Nova the truth cannot hide." The prayer seems to be coming from an ornate metal box. There are two holes in its top: from one emerges two hands, clasped together in prayer. From the other emerges the accompanying head, her four eyes raised heavenward , her mouth frantically reciting prayers along with a list of sins that makes you blush. You put your hand on the box. It's hot to the touch. "The Inquisition Machine gives sinners a taste of the sun that awaits them in the hereafter if they do not repent. When its occupant isn't praying fast enough, it slowly heats up." Sister Mary fixes her robotic eye on you . "Tell me, child, have you any sins to repent?" A series of clicks as the Sister sin-scans you. "Oh my." Before Sister Mary puts you into the box, she ties her habit over your mouth. The End
  74. 74. 47 Finally, you've infiltrated the Queen's secret training grounds on Delta Venus. But you 're not in the clear yet - you hear the footsteps of a guard patrol ling the wall! You drop to the floor and hit your cloaking device. Instantly, your entire body assumes the color, texture, and lighting of the floor. Perfect invisibility! Sure enough, the guard looks around, sees only the unbroken texture of the floor, and leaves. Ha! Creeping inside, you're almost caught admiring a huge portrai t of the Queen, beneath the motto, "Laser, Gas 'er, Just Don 't Let Her Get Away !" You quickly tl1row yourself against the wall and cloak. The two guards stare righ t at you - or at the Queen . One has a look of admiration , the other, something a little different. Is she biting her lip? You hope your blushing doesn'I give you away! Finally you make it into the courtyard - an open field with bright red BULLSEYES painted on the walls. Suddenly, there's a whistle. It looks like you've arrived in time for a training drill! No sweat. You slip against the wall and cloak as a platoon of soldiers marches into the courtyard, laser rifles in hand . At the order of a drill instructor, they all raise their rifles - and aim directly at your chest. What's gone wrong? You look down. Your cloaking device is working perfectly - right in the nliddle of your chest is a bright red bullseye. BLAM!! The End
  75. 75. 4 8 You've made your decision! Valerie Solaris, the notorious star smuggler, might have saved your life when she picked up your escape pod , but she didn't tell you that she immediately diverted her course - to Gamma Playa , where the Queen has placed a bounty on your head! Plus she snores like a vacuum breach. Under cover of snores, you hop in the transporter and zap yourself over to the nearest planet. The hours you spend wading through knee-high snow give you ample opportunity to reflect on your decision. Valerie's kisses were always wam1. At least you had the foresight to grab her wumpus-fur parka and boots before you beamed out. "Hey kid! You there?" It's Valerie!You spin, then realize there's a communicator in the pocket of your stolen parka. "So you bolted, huh? I guess things were moving pretty fast. No hard feelings." "I've been having second thoughts!" you shout over the roar of the snow. "There's a transporter beacon on the collar of that pari<a you borrowed. Give it a tap and I'll lock on." You find the tiny button and push it. It lights up red. Then you're surrounded by a bright glov.1, and you feel a tingling sensation on your skin. When it fades, your pari<a and boots have disappeared. "Wumpus fur's not cheap, you know. Sorry things didn't wori< out!" Then the communicator clicks off. The End
  76. 76. 49 For weeks, you've been chasing the Queen's spy across Hump World . Now you have her trapped - on the other side of a narrow rock bridge over the moon's infamous Sex Plains. The spy shouts to you over the noise of the endless orgy roiling below. "Let's settle this like warriors!" She strips to a pair of rocket-covered space shorts and strides onto the narrow bridge. She holds two cylinders. With a flick, one springs into a glowing red laser staff . "Game?" You strip and step onto the rock . Your opponent tosses you the second cylinder, which unfolds into a bright blue staff in your hands. You immediately raise it in a defensive stance. The rules are dear: whoever falls will be fucked to death on the plains below. She lunges, sparks flying as her staff strikes yours. You push and she staggers back. Then you swing at her feet. She jumps it but misjudges the landing: now she's hanging from the bridge by her fingers, terror in her eyes as one by one they lose their hold. You catch her wrist as she falls. She dings to you desperately, her eyes pleading. You try and lift her, but she's heavier than she looks. Soon you're hanging by your toes. "You are a true warrior," she says. That's when the rockets on her shorts fire and she flies back up to the bridge. A quick tickle on your foot and you're plummeting towards the death orgy. She smiles sadly. "I, however, am a mere spy." The End
  77. 77. 50 You are woken by a foot in your side. "Rise and shine, Number Fifty! Today's your special day!" The guard grabs you by the hair and pulls you to your knees. She yanks your arms behind your back and begins wrapping rope around them while her partner fashions a collar around your neck. "Let's go, Number Fifty." A tug on your leash and you manage to pull yourself clumsily to your feet. You leave your cell for the first time since you were tossed here - forty days ago, maybe more? With one guard tugging on the leash and the other prodding you from behind with the butt of a knife, you're led past a hall of empty cells to a dark room . "Number Fifty. Welcome." You see the speaker first, a woman in a black hood. Then you see the forty­ nine heads on pikes. The guards laugh and shove you onto your knees over the block. "T-they're all me!" you gasp. "I never get tired of giving this speech," the Executioner says as she reaches for her axe. "The Queen sentenced you to death. not once, not fifty, but a hundred times." Squatting, she lovingly traces a line along your neck with a finger. "We had to set up a cloning lab. You and I will be seeing a lot of each other, sweetheart." And as she lifts her axe, you realize that this is nowhere near... TheEnd
  78. 78. WARNING! ! ! ! Do not read this book straight through from beginning to end! This book contains many different adventures you may encounter as Star Wench , an intergalactic rogue and space captain, as she pursues the nefa rious Queen of Space in the depths of her domain ! Or, rather, it contains many different ways for that adventure to end. You'll never defeat the Queen, but you can choose how you'll fail! Just open to a page - any page - and read how you r adventure ends. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get to meet your end at the hands of the Queen herself!
  79. 79. 51 They took your ship and your pilot! But you soon find Suzie, strapped to a gurney while she waits to be taken to the Robot Tickling Room , one of the Queen's most nefarious places of punishment. There's a single guard, reaching for a red call button! You clonk her first and free Suzie, to the pilot's great relief. Now you've got to find the ship. "Strap her down," Suzie says with a wicked smile you know too well. "What docking bay is our ship in, Lieutenant, ah. Jetta Jupiter?' Suzie asks, reading the captive's badge. "I don't know!" Jetta pleads, squirming in the straps. "Maybe I should pass you on to tickle bots," Suzie threatens, tracing a finger along the call button that summons the robots. You'll have five minutes to clear out before they get here, collecting whoever they find and taking them to the Tickle Chamber. Jetta's eyes go wide. "You're not ticklish, are you?" Suzie asks, fingering the lace of Jetta's boot. "No," she whimpers. But Suzie's adept fingers quickly reveal the captive's lie. "Which of these piggies knows where my spaceship is?" Jetta makes lots of sounds, not many of them words. Watching Suzie at work is getting you a little flustered. You have to lean against the wall. Five minutes later, Jetta squeaks, "It's Bay 12!" Suzie turns to you with a smug smile. Then she sees that you're leaning on the call button. Right at that moment, robots burst into the room . The End
  80. 80. 52 "A letter," commands the Queen, "to the Duchess of Milabia, in triplicate!" The Queen's three stenographers, chained to their typewriters, prepare to take dictation. Each is nude save for an opaque black hood over her head: the Queen's stenographers are touch typists. This is your opportun ity! You'll replace the Queen's overtures of diplomacy with a letter that you yourself have prepared ! Ha ha! As the Queen's secretaries type - "It was really nice seeing you the other night..." - their pages flutter down a chute to stack in the Out Box. Masked by the sound of thirty fingers typing, you creep behind the three-slave desk to the pile of papers and make your substitution . "And just what are you up to?" asks the Queen. Uh oh! As the servants dutifully type her words, you feel the Queen's eyepatch ray-gun pop you. Your body tingles and stiffens. "Stand up." Your body obeys. As you look on, immobil ized, the Queen snatches the paper from the Out Box and reads. "With the blindfold over my eyes, I can't see you, but I can feel your breath on my ear. I tremble as you describe how my body looks tied to the bed." That's the wrong paper!! You blush. The Queen raises her lip in a smirk. You spend the rest of your life chained to a typewriter in a dungeon cell, writing stories for the Queen's amusement. TheEnd
  81. 81. 53 "The undercaves of Sub Sapia comprise a planet-wide cave system, a mazelike inner world just below the surface," the Galactipedia on your belt cheerfully lectures. "The most dangerous native hazard to huma n explorers are the indigenous Tunnel Trolls, but having evolved in pitch darkness they avoid all light.• At that exact moment , your plasma torch nickers and goes out. It is now pitch dark! You bite your lip, listening. Is that the shuff ling of feet in the distance? "Relevant survival information," chirps your Galactipedia. "Tunnel Trolls, being near blind , stalk their prey by sound. If you suspect you 're being tracked, endeavour to make as little sound as possible." You sit, cover your mouth, hold your breath , and pretend you can't hear troll mouths slathering nearby. "Further information:" the Galactipedia continues , "Tunnel Troll diet." "SHH!" you hiss, fumbling in the darkness for the 'Pedia's off button . Where is it?! "Sub Serpentans are carnivorous," it goes on, "requiring many pounds of meat each day to survive." "Shut up!" you yell, now just slapping al the thing. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!! Then unseen " hands snatch you off your feet! "Relevant: Troll recipes. Sub Sapien Tunnel Trolls actually possess a surprisingly accomplished culinary culture. Shish-kebab is currently in vogue: tradition stipulates a live roast." The End
  82. 82. 54 A guard comes to release you early from the prison recreation area - that's where the guards take turns hitting you. "Gurg blarg VISITOR." She returns your uniform , a grey sackcloth with an alien symbol you think translates to "be extra mean to this one." Your heart skips when you see Suzie, your pilot, on the other side of the glass - as opposed to this side. "Did you do what I asked?" you say. The guard's standing right there, tentacles folded, but she only knows a few words in your language. "Yes," Suzie replies, producing a small cake as pink as her hair. ''There's a photon grenade inside." The guard teleports the cake across to you. "I'll see you soon," you tell Suzie, reassuringly. You stand and wait for the guard to escort you back to your cell. But she doesn't move. "Blargle gurgle EAT," she howls, tentacle tapping. Uh oh. You lower your head and carefully take a tiny bite of the cake. 'BLURGLE GARGLE EAT!!" the guard screams, shoving your face in the cake with a tentacle. You manage to pull the grenade into your mouth , keeping it hidden from the guard . You raise your head , smiling at the guard with your lips shut tight while you pat your belly. "Mmmm ," you say convincingly. "Garg blurg JAJLBREAKll" Your eyes snap to the cake. Something metal is lying exposed in the pink mush - the ring of a grenade. The End
  83. 83. --o
  84. 84. 55 "Finsters are just the nastiest mutants you'll ever meet beneath the waves," Jane tells you while she ties your ankles. 'When they catch an air-breather, they feed her just enough oxygen to keep her alive while they torture her in their underwater circus for the amusement of the crowds." Laser Jane throws a switch and you're hoisted into the air. "T oday, of course, they're coming up empty. We're gonna bag us a finster. You and me, partner." You hang from the end of a small crane like a fish on a line. The sea sparkles beneath you, unbroken. You strain to watch as Jane ties some empty cans to the line. Then she plops down on her beach chair, lowers her hat over her eyes, and begins to snore. The sticky jungle juice Jane painted your body with is supposed to do the job of keeping would -be captors stuck to you til Jane can reel you in. But the sand that's gotten stuck in the juice has the added effect of keeping you very, very itchy. Jane's tied you much too tight to scratch yourself. All you can do is squirm, skin burning, and stare at the cool, wet sea. After a while, you begin to fantasize about the cold sea rising up to take you, even imagining dripping hands reaching up to cut you free of your bonds. Hours later, Jane wakes. "Goddammit," she says to the cut rope dangling from her crane. "Not again!" TheEnd

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