1. Help With Your Marriage – The First Step
Marriage counseling can be conceptualized as a threefold process:(1) The couple trusts the
marriage counselor. (2) The couples trust the process the marriage counselor establishes.
(3)The couple trusts each other. Repairing and rebuilding a marriage cannot begin unless the
marriage counselor is able to gain the confidence of both the husband and wife. The first order
of business is for the martial conflict resolution specialist to develop rapport with each spouse.
Why is this so important? Because as the expression goes, “we do not see things as they are. We
see things as we are.” That is, what we often view as reality is only reality to us because of the
way we view it. Where you stand on a given issue depends on your beginning vantage point. In
a conflicted marriage, each spouse sees things from his or her own perspective.
Given this truth, couples counselors or other third party practitioners who work with spouses
need to view reality the way each partner does. This is criticallyimportant. For a marriage
counselor,building rapport means demonstrating genuine interest in the disputants. Indeed,
couples counselors need to ask enough questions to be able to see the world as the husband or
wife does. This involves beingempathic and on both parties’ sides at the same time. The
marriage counselor’s sense of self-needs to be subsumed or melded into perspectives of both
the husband and wife.
This does not mean that the therapist gives up his or her own identity, values, etc. Understanding
another person’s mindset does not necessarily mean there is agreement with it. However,
understanding does allow the marriage counselor to more fully see the framework and

2. foundations of each spouse’sthinking, which will later help facilitate a way to peace and
reconciliation with grace and finesse.
A helpful analogy can be gathered from the work of medical doctor, Dr. Jerome Groopman. Dr.
Groopman is a cancer specialist. Consider the way he interacted with a new patient named Kirk
Bains. Bains already had received three bleak diagnoses from three other physicians about his
cancer. Even though Dr. Groopman had read over the man’s medical history, he told Bains that
he wanted to hear the story of his illness directly from Bains’s own mouth, and not just from the
records. The doctor told Bains that after they discussed everything, he would give him a
comprehensive examination. After that they would work through Mr. Bains’s condition and
treatment options together. The doctor not only learned the facts about his patient, but he also, as
Dr. Groopman put it, “became integrated into his experience.” The rapport and bond of trust that
resulted from this approach was instantaneous. This serves as an excellent example of the kind
of rapport couples should be looking to develop with their marriage counselor when beginning
the marriage counseling process.
If you live in Southwest Florida marriage counseling should be your first step. Hence, the
answer is developing rapport and trust with your Southwest Florida marriage counselor.