Dumbest resume ever received


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Dumbest resume ever received

  1. 1. Review: Summary of Guest Readers: “Don’t Know What This Person Does,”” and “Whatever It Is, Even If Employer Wants This Stuff Done, They Won’t Want to Pay For It” – “… is Written in Government-esque Gobbledygook. (PS – It is a Real Resume of an Unemployed Job Seeker – There are key changes made to avoid identification but this is 100% real and 25 senior executives could not make one educated guess as to this applicant’s real subject matter expertise ) Y o u b e t c h a I M . U n e m p l o y e d J o b s e e k e r G I M U n e m p l o y e d @ D o n ’ t K n o w W h y . c o m T e l 9 1 7 7 3 4 - 1 1 8 1 D e l i v e r i n g K e y S t r a t e g i c R e s u l t s Profile: Strategy and operations management executive with a record of results building profitable, resourceful, cutting-edge organizations. 20+ years experience in general management, consulting, operations and program management. A forward-thinking facilitator; inventive, resourceful architect; disciplined, adaptive team member with a sharp focus on customers, results and learning. Areas: Strategy, Business & Organization Development • Product & Service Innovation Expertise • Key Initiatives & Operations Improvement • New Business/Product Development • Energy and Sustainability Programs • Financial Management • Program, Process & Change Management • Technology Management Roles & Obfuscation Unlimited, LLC US 2001- present Results Consulting firm (peak sales of $Yeah Right) providing strategic consulting, program implementation and leadership, analytics, tools and guidance to businesses and Federal agencies. Strategic Organizational & Transformative Consultant Lead marketing, operations, and management of the firm as well as provide direct consulting services; research; design, delivery and program management. Selected projects include: • Growing in a Recession – Helped the leadership team in a Big 4 consultancy to raise revenue 22% in their Sustainability Consulting Practice and increase its operating margin 12% during the economic distress of 2009. Yield : More sustainable cash flow, stronger competitive advantage, with better offerings and execution ability serving clean energy markets with active investors. • BlankBlankBlank Commercialization – Worked with schools such as Orange & Mellon, U of Ohmygod, UZT to develop better systems and practices in translational research, concierge support processes and commercialization/licensing practices with corporate collaborators. • Building Business Clusters – Served on a governor appointed team to define the clean energy and economic development strategy for ________. (Worst Performing State in the US and Still Is ) Yield : developed the _________ year strategy for growing the clean energy business cluster that is now being deployed. • Sustainability Services – Worked with clients such as _________, _________, ______ and project partners such as ________, ________, _____ to improve CSR and sustainability strategies life cycle initiatives, reporting. (Just like 2,000 other unemployed people) Yield : Better metrics, program management discipline, greater energy productivity, stronger supply chain collaborations. • Managing Recovery – Helped a utility software company restore profitability after it invested in new smart grid technology ahead of demand. Yield : reset break-even point, rebalanced inventory and receivables, placed _____ people; regained financial footing. • Raising Customer Value – Led a study to discover why customers were abandoning a market-leading power tool and battery manufacturer. Yield : Helped the leadership team to implement an organization renewal effort and regain their market leadership position in _____ months. • Managing Expanding Operations – Acting as the interim Big Shot of a ______ marketing and communications firm, led a proposal team to win a key RFP from their largest customer that doubled their revenue. Coordinated the Next Big Shot search, assumed an interim Big Shot role, stood up the Smaller Big Shot function, hired the staff, put processes in place and helped grow this small, established firm into a regional powerhouse. (Somehow I was non selected for the Big Shot
  2. 2. position I assume and then was relegated in the Smaller Big Shot roll – I dunno why – yet I am, as listed above, an Operations / Management Executive? ) Failed and Criminally Indicted / Prosecuted Consulting Closed Firm (Really ! – I changed the name here - referring to Partner of a firm that was indicted ??? ) ASSOCIATE PARTNER 1998 – 2000 SENIOR MANAGER 1994-1998 Recruited into the ________ Region’s _______ Group to develop and integrate the strategic services, human capital, education and change management practices to improve clients’ results. • Developing New Business – Developed new services, focused on key accounts and led major account penetration initiatives. Yield : Helped grow into a $120 M practice and increase staff from 7 to 166 from 1994-2000. • Client Service – Helped sell and lead the process, program, and change management work streams in a major technology engagement that transformed the core systems of a _________ from ______ to ______, installed a new billing system, introduced internet services, and re- entered the long distance business -while servicing a lot of customers in 6 lines of business across 14 states. Yield : This RBOC was the firm’s largest single global client, with revenue over $100 M annually for six straight years. • Practice Management -Led the SE Region’s college recruiting program, an average annual intake of 80-100 people. Created an on-boarding program for experienced hires that cut that group’s attrition by over half. Helped develop and implement people integration services that helped Andersen strengthen its outsourcing capabilities. Whacko Name Inc. A quality management / continuous improvement consulting firm. REGIONAL VICE PRESIDENT 1990 – 1994 SENIOR CONSULTANT 1988-1990 Recruited to manage and grow quality management consulting operations in the South East region. • Enterprise Education – Developed ODI’s brand as a premier corporate learning company. Worked with big-shot-named clients such as _____, ______, _____ and ______ to develop better results from their enterprise educational programs. Helped develop Hooey award-winning quality colleges and the _______ Quality Institute. • Results Focus – Expanded work with _____, _____, _____, _____, by introducing rapid results teams and fee-contingent contracts. Yield : Doubled the RFP capture ratio, and increased initial project size and margins over 20%. • Building a Region -Introduced large account management practices to key government accounts such as _____, _____, __________. Yield : doubled the region’s revenue between 1990-1994 and led the company in customer and employee satisfaction. Professional _______ Certificate in Leading _______ Ventures (_______ entrepreneurship skills) Preparation MS ___ ______, University of _____ (_____ management skills) BA _____ & ______, University of ______ (people and management skills) _______ Executive Program, _______ Program on Negotiation (business skills) ________ Professional Specialist in Organization Development (change leadership skills) Youbetcha IM. Unemployed Jobseeker G. IM. Unemployed@Don’tKnowWhy.com Tel 917 734-1181