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Boundaries and relationships

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This presentation "What's Love Got to Do With It? Boundaries and Relationships" describes how developing compassionate discipline and by choosing to abdicate our role as hostages and hostage-takers that we can really begin to not take love’s glorious and transcendent name in vain.

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Boundaries and relationships

  1. 1. WhatWhat’s Love Got To Do With It?’s Love Got To Do With It? Boundaries and RelationshipsBoundaries and Relationships • Dr. Louise Stanger Ed.D. LCSW, CIP • Director All About Interventions • Membership NII • Member at Large-AIS • Faculty SDSU Interwork Institute Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  2. 2. ObjectivesObjectives • Understand what is Love • Define and Describe Boundaries • Identify Different Types of Relationships Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  3. 3. ObjectivesObjectives • Identify Core Recovery Issues • Determine client’s Recovery Stage • Build a treatment plan that diminishes family fusion and triangulation against treatment providers Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  4. 4. What is a Boundary ?What is a Boundary ? Interaction with others -where you begin and where you end. Limits – how far we can go with comfort in a relationship? Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  5. 5. Historical Perspectives OfHistorical Perspectives Of BoundariesBoundaries • “An unreflecting mind is a poor roof. Passion, like the rain floods the house, but if the roof is strong, there is shelter.” • “By watching and working, the master makes for himself an island, which the flood cannot overwhelm.” Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  6. 6. Lao-TsuLao-Tsu Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  7. 7. Judeo-Christian Beliefs Stresses Importance of living life as true self Connected to God and to all living things You do not have to stay with people who mistreat you People, places, thoughts, feelings, & actions Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  8. 8. What is a Relationship?What is a Relationship? Interactions with othersInteractions with others • Friends • Work • Dating • Marriage- Living Together • Family Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  9. 9. Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  10. 10. Family FusionFamily Fusion • Lack of personal space • Taking over- Controlling • Blurred Lines • Blaming • Denying • Rescuing Faulty Reasoning Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  11. 11. Boundaries & RelationshipsBoundaries & Relationships • Physical - Closeness- Touching - Privacy-mail, bathroom, telephone - Clothes - Shelter - Physical Differences - Time -energy • Emotional - Beliefs, thoughts, actions - Secrets , Rules, Action - Sexuality - Time alone • Spirituality - Personal Experience with Higher self - Practices - Definition of Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  12. 12. Questions to ask yourself ?Questions to ask yourself ? 1. I have difficulty saying no. 2. I feel as if my happiness depends on other people 3. I can’t make up my mind 4. It’s hard to look another person in the eye. 5. I get involved with people who hurt me 6. I trust others 7. I would rather attend to others then myself 8.Others opinions are more important then mine • Usually • Never or Unaware • Seldom or Occasionally Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  13. 13. QuestionsQuestions 9. People take or use my things without asking me. 10. I have difficulty asking for what I want 11. I lend people money and don’t seem to get it back or people do not give it back 12. I feel ashamed 13. I would rather go along with others then express my needs 14. I feel bad for being “different” from other people. 15. I feel anxious, scared afraid Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  14. 14. QuestionsQuestions 16. I spend my time and energy helping others 17. Its hard for me to know what I think 18. I feel as if my happiness depends on circumstances outside myself 19. I feel good 20. I have a hard time knowing what I feel 21. I get involved with the wrong folks 22. Its hard for me to make decisions 23. I get angry 24. I am overly sensitive to criticism 25. I don’t get to spend too much time alone 26. I tend to take on the moods of those around me Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  15. 15. More QuestionsMore Questions 27. I have a hard time keeping a confidence or secret. 28. I feel hurt 29. I tend to stay in relationships that are hurting me 30. I feel an emptiness as if something is missing in my life 31. I tend to get caught in the middle of other peoples problems 32. When someone acts up in public, I feel embarrassed. 33. I feel Sad 34. Its not easy for me to really know in my heart about relationship with Higher Power 35. I tend to take on what other people are feeling or doing 36. I put more into relationships then I get out of them 37. I feel responsible for other peoples feelings. 38. My friends or acquaintances have a hard time keeping secrets or confidences which I tell them. Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  16. 16. LOVE: What is it ? How doesLOVE: What is it ? How does our brain respond ?our brain respond ? • Lust – Testosterone, and in Addiction we tend to lust after something or someone • Love- First phase this is driven by an increase in dopamine Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  17. 17. Romantic LoveRomantic Love • Decrease in serotonin when falling in love – so moods are highly unstable • Wild inability to control thoughts during this stage • Love can mimic addiction Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  18. 18. Deep AttachmentDeep Attachment • Hormones Vasopressin and Oxytocin are responsible for creating pleasurable sensations especially calm and security • After the pleasure centers have calmed down we form deep attachment Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  19. 19. Age RegressionAge Regression 1. Sudden decomposition is triggered by a hurt, usually due to a boundary violation a. Paralyzed or passive state b. Temper tantrum c. Therapeutic 1. Levels of meaning a. Mistreated in the past b Mistreated in the present c. Can set firm boundaries d. I can stay or leave Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  20. 20. Pre-Recovery Issues Triple Threats • Substance abuse • Mental Health • Legal • Physical • Financial • Sexual • Family , Friend , Fusion • In relationship with Harmful behaviors Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  21. 21. So, What’s Love Got to Do With It? Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  22. 22. Codependent Co-defendants Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  23. 23. Recovery IssuesRecovery Issues Issues Early Middle Advanced Grieving Identify ones losses Learning to grieve Grieve past and present losses Neglecting ones own needs Realization of needs Beginning to get needs met Getting needs met Being Over responsible Identifying boundaries Setting limits Responsible for self-clear boundaries Low self-esteem Identify Sharing Affirming – improved SE Control Identify Taking responsibility Responsibility& letting go All or none thinking Recognize & identify Learning there are choices Multicolored world Being Real Recogonize Risking being real Being real Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  24. 24. Recovery IssuesRecovery Issues Issues Early Middle Advanced Trust Trust can be helpful Selective Trusting Trusting appropriately Feeling Recognizing & Identifying Experiencing Observing & Using Hi Tolerance inappropriate beh. Questioning behaviors Learning Knowing & having safe folks Abandonment & Conflict Recognizing & Identifying Grieving & Resolving Freedom From & work thru current conflicts Giving and Receiving Love Defining: What is love Practicing Refining, loving self, higher power Dependence & Independence Identifying Learning/ Practicing Being healthy Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  25. 25. Dating and Early RecoveryDating and Early Recovery Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  26. 26. Dating and Early RecoveryDating and Early Recovery • Why is abstinence a good idea • Ethics of dating in early recovery • Age Regression • Who you are today is not who you maybe tomorrow Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  27. 27. Even GirlsEven Girls • Vulnerability • Dating IQ • Need for acceptance Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  28. 28. Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  29. 29. TriangulationTriangulation Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  30. 30. Magic wordsMagic words • Yes • No • Really • Oh • Whatever Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  31. 31. Tool Box For RecoveryTool Box For Recovery • Abstinence • Peer Support • Medication • Exercise • Ritual • Good Nutrition • Professional Consultation and Services • National Institute of Drug Abuse Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  32. 32. ListeningListening Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  33. 33. Essentials For RecoveryEssentials For Recovery • Ability to deal with Distractions • Live from Inner Life • Come to terms with Past-Grieving • Feeling • Learn to tolerate emotional pain • Listening Skills Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  34. 34. Essentials For RecoveryEssentials For Recovery • Learn to set healthy boundaries • Learning& knowing the difference between our true and false selves • Working through core issues • Taking responsibility to be a co-creator • Watch where you are hula hooping Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  35. 35. Three Kinds of Happy LivesThree Kinds of Happy Lives Martin Seligman, 2004 - Ted TalkMartin Seligman, 2004 - Ted Talk • Pleasant Life- find in life as many things pleasant as you can • The life of engagement –life in work, parenting, love and leisure • The meaningful life- knowing your highest strengths and using them to the fullest in service to something higher then yourselves Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  36. 36. It Takes a VillageIt Takes a Village Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  37. 37. All Fall UP!: Memoir coming soonAll Fall UP!: Memoir coming soon Getting to the Heart of the Matter.Getting to the Heart of the Matter.Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger
  38. 38. ResourcesResources • Boundaries and Relationships. Whitfield,Charles, Health Communications inc. • Erikson, E. Childhood and Society . (2nd ed.), Norton, NY • Lerner, R: Boundaries for Co-dependence (Booklet 5217) Hazelden ,Center City, , MN 1988. • Lerner, R. The Object of My affection is my reflection • The Daily Good, http://www.Dailygood.org • Post-Romantic Stress Disorder, John Bradshaw , 2014 • Gorski, T Getting Love Right • Stanger, Louise –Triple Threat-Beyond Dual Diagnosis-in press • Stanger, Louise- All Fall Up – in Copyright © Dr. Louise StangerCopyright © Dr. Louise Stanger

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