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Enjoy working
with people
by controlling
the only thing
you can
Erik Gruber / Kelsey Lundberg
Complaints
Seeing complaints
as commitments
gives us a choice.
New people
Want people to like something?
Just say it’s old.
3 friends4 friends 1 stranger
Q: Which is the better team?
New people make us better
at our jobs.
(Even though we don’t like it.)
Embrace the awkwardness.
Take responsibility.
You control your role.
03
Apologies
It feels really BAD
when we make mistakes.
I’m sorry
=
The right apologies restore us.
The wrong apologies drain us.
04
Criticism
You stink.
I don’t stink.
You stink.
Prospective Hindsight
Be Calm. Be Confident.
Be Fearless.
“Our capacity to screw up is not
some kind of embarrassing defect
in the human system, something
we can eradicate or overc...
05
Losing battles
Icon made by Freepik from www.flaticon.com
Fighting every battle
will destroy you.
clout
reputation
energy
Think about the battles
you choose to fight,
and what you're
willing to fight for.
06
Difficult
conversations
Flow
challenge = skill
challenge
skill
challenge
skill
skill = challenge
• Change your mindset
• Plan, but don’t script
• Be compassionate
• Acknowledge the other person’s perspective
• Listen
• ...
1.
Observation
2.
Have the conversation
Difficult conversation is a
skill to build
not a problem to avoid.
I choose
“Happiness is a condition that
must be prepared for,
cultivated, and defended
privately by each person.
- Mihaly Csikszent...
People have a right to
be how they are.
“The only thing that is
capital-T True is that
you get to decide
how you’re going to try to
see it.
- David Foster Wallace
Thank you!
• MinneWebCon
• Scott Kubie
• Michael Vedders
• Tim Hammer
• Eric Jameson
• Suzanne Worthley
kelseylundberg.com...
Research
Complaining
• How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work - book by Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey
New Peo...
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can
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Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can

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MinneWebCon 2016 presentation by Erik Gruber and Kelsey Lundberg

Published in: Leadership & Management
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Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can

  1. 1. Enjoy working with people by controlling the only thing you can Erik Gruber / Kelsey Lundberg
  2. 2. Complaints
  3. 3. Seeing complaints as commitments gives us a choice.
  4. 4. New people
  5. 5. Want people to like something? Just say it’s old.
  6. 6. 3 friends4 friends 1 stranger Q: Which is the better team?
  7. 7. New people make us better at our jobs. (Even though we don’t like it.)
  8. 8. Embrace the awkwardness.
  9. 9. Take responsibility. You control your role.
  10. 10. 03 Apologies
  11. 11. It feels really BAD when we make mistakes.
  12. 12. I’m sorry =
  13. 13. The right apologies restore us. The wrong apologies drain us.
  14. 14. 04 Criticism
  15. 15. You stink.
  16. 16. I don’t stink. You stink.
  17. 17. Prospective Hindsight
  18. 18. Be Calm. Be Confident. Be Fearless.
  19. 19. “Our capacity to screw up is not some kind of embarrassing defect in the human system, something we can eradicate or overcome. It's totally fundamental to who we are. - Kathryn Schulz
 author of Being Wrong: 
 Adventures in the Margin of Error
  20. 20. 05 Losing battles
  21. 21. Icon made by Freepik from www.flaticon.com
  22. 22. Fighting every battle will destroy you.
  23. 23. clout reputation energy
  24. 24. Think about the battles you choose to fight, and what you're willing to fight for.
  25. 25. 06 Difficult conversations
  26. 26. Flow
  27. 27. challenge = skill
  28. 28. challenge skill
  29. 29. challenge skill
  30. 30. skill = challenge
  31. 31. • Change your mindset • Plan, but don’t script • Be compassionate • Acknowledge the other person’s perspective • Listen • Reflect and learn How to Handle Difficult Conversations at Work - Harvard Business Review
  32. 32. 1. Observation
  33. 33. 2. Have the conversation
  34. 34. Difficult conversation is a skill to build not a problem to avoid.
  35. 35. I choose
  36. 36. “Happiness is a condition that must be prepared for, cultivated, and defended privately by each person. - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow
  37. 37. People have a right to be how they are.
  38. 38. “The only thing that is capital-T True is that you get to decide how you’re going to try to see it. - David Foster Wallace
  39. 39. Thank you! • MinneWebCon • Scott Kubie • Michael Vedders • Tim Hammer • Eric Jameson • Suzanne Worthley kelseylundberg.com / erik-gruber.com
  40. 40. Research Complaining • How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work - book by Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey New People • "Longer is Better" - research study by Scott Eidelman, Jennifer Pattershall, Christian S. Crandall • "The Pain is Worth the Gain: The Advantages and Liabilities of Agreeing with Socially Distinct 
 Newcomers" - research study by Katie Liljenquist , Katherine Williams Phillips, Margaret Neale Criticism • How to Stay Calm When You Know You'll Be Stressed - TED Talk by Daniel Levitin • On Being Wrong - TED Talk by Kathryn Schulz Apologies • What Does Guilt Do? - article, Psychology Today • Shame: A Concealed, Contagious, and Dangerous Emotion - article, Psychology Today • Listening to Shame - TED Talk by Brené Brown Difficult Conversations • Flow - book by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi • How to Handle Difficult Conversations at Work - article, Harvard Business Review • The Surprising Science of Happiness - TED Talk by Dan Gilbert Opening and Closing Thoughts • This is Water - speech and book by David Foster Wallace

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