Understanding Children’s BehaviorUnderstanding More about Your Child and Your self as a parentCommunicationDiscipline and ConsequencesFamily timeStress and conflict management skills for parents and children Anger control tools and interventions for parents and children Managing blended-family dynamics Empathy training for parents Life-long Influences of Fathering on Female Psychosocial Development Avoiding common parenting mistakes
Several popular ways to explain children’s behaviorBehavior is primarily the result of heredity “She’s just like her dad” “She has her mother’s personality”Behavior depends on environmental influences “If he didn’t hang around his dad’s family he wouldn’t act like that”Behavior simply occurs in stages and is to some extend very predictable around certain ages. Parents hear a lot about ages and stages Like theTerrible twos orAll five-year olds do this or thatDont worry he’s just going through a stageAll girls her age do….Ask participants for othersHe’ll grow out of it and so on!Even gender role stereo types such as Boys will be boys! Or Girls are naturally more manageable!Have influence us to anticipate and reinforce certain behaviors. We have come to accept annoying uncooperative and rebellions behaviors in children as NORMALMany parents believe they cant do anything about itThe problem lies in our lack of understanding human behavior and how the mind works.Parents who understand children’s behavior or misbehavior are in a much better position to influence their children and establish healthy patterns of behavior as they grow into adulthood.
SYSTEMATIC TRAINING FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTINGTaking the step approach begins with the recognition that all behavior occurs for a social purpose- there is a system at work here. We believe people are decision-making social beings whose main purpose is to belongEach of us strives continually to find, and maintain a place of significance…our own little world.In our search we select Beliefs, FeelingsAnd behaviorsWhich we feel will gain us significanceOvertime the practice of these beliefs feelings and behaviors become neurologically programmed in our psyche-we’ll talk more about that later.
So, What we know is that behavior can best be understood by observing its consequencesThere are purposes behind all misbehaviorUnderstanding these purposes will make us all more effective parents—one step at a time (smile)Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, classified children's misbehavior into four broad categories. He called these categories GOALSGoals in the sense that misbehavior achieved something for the child. These goals remain present in behavior of older children and adults but additional purposes, influence misbehavior as we matureSo lets stick with younger children for now.The goals may seem complex at first but, all parents can learn how to discover the purpose of their child’s misbehavior By using two simple techniques. REMEMBERSince behavior serves a purpose, it is best understood by observing its consequences, thus when the child misbehaves…..Observe your own reaction to the children’s misbehavior. Your feelingsThis will point to the child’s goal.Observe the child’s response to your attempts at correction.The child’s response to your behavior will also let you know what The child is after…“Train yourself to look at the results of the misbehavior rather than simplySeeing the behavior itself”.
Children prefer to gain attention in useful ways, playing games, helping out, hearing stories, talking etc… but if they CAN’T get attention that way they seek attention in useless ways.
Do you know this child? You will come across this personality type.So even if parents do succeed in getting them to do what they want the victory is only temporary. You win the argument but lose the relationship over time if you continue to argue When the child is defiant many parents feel angry and provoked. Attempts to force the child to bend to you will are seldom successful…this is often where abuse creeps in when the parent doesn’t clearly understand what they are dealing with.Sometime the child defy the parent by continuing the misbehavior. Or will stop temporarily and then continue with more intensity. Or they do what they are told but not in a way the parent wants it done…We call this “DEFIANT COMPLIANCE”There are behavior modification techniques you can learn that will be useful as your child grows into adulthood that I can not address in detail here today.
Using power tactics to counter children’s bids for power only impresses them with the value of power and increases their desire for more of it.If the struggle for power continues and the child comes to feel they cannot defeat the parent, they may alter the desire for powerand pursue the third goal. Revenge
Children who pursue revenge are convinced that they are not lovable. That they only matter when they are able to hurt others as they believe they have been hurtThey find a place of belonging by being cruel an dislikedParents of the revengeful child feel deeply hurt and often want to retaliateRetaliation is not the answer. These children wither intensify the misbehavior or choose another sot of undesirable behavioral weaponPARENTS
Need to realize that he child’s revengeful behavior stems from discouragement and is not necessarily caused by the parent.To help the revengeful child do not retaliate as difficult as it will be. When you remain calm over time you will improve your realtionship. If the war of revenge continues between the parent and the child the child come to feel utterly defeated, they give up and seek to be excused for their behavior by displaying inadequacy.I don’t know how to do itI just can’t
Children who display inadequacy, or disability, are extremely discouraged. The goal is to attempt to keep others from expecting anythingFrom them since they have given up hope of succeedingHow do you know if you child is pursuing this goal?EasyRule no oneObserve your own reaction to the children’s misbehavior. What are you? Your feelings point to the child’s goalIf you too are felling despair and want to give up …like throwing up you hands. Then there’s his/her goalTo help a child who feels inadequate you must’Eliminate all criticismFocus instead on the child’s assets, strengthsEncourage any effort to improve no matter how small it seems.
To help a child who feels inadequate you must’Eliminate all criticismFocus instead on the child’s assets, strengthsEncourage any effort to improve no matter how small it seems
Effective parenting requires patience. Take one step at a timeLiberate yourself through a democratic relationship with your child. doing so will make all members of the family more responsible and more capable.Democratic procedures permit choice “No more my way or the highway”All behavior has a social purpose. The goal of misbehavior are: Attention-Power-Revenge-or Display of Inadequacy.Your response feelings about a child’s misbehavior point to the purpose of his/her goal
Change the child’s behavior by changing yours. Responsible children are influenced by responsible parents.When the child is misbehaving, do what she or he does not expect that is , consider doing the exact opposite from what you would typically do.If you would normally yell…coming down to his/her level…lowering your voice and talking calmlyIf you would normally send him/her to their room and ”disconnect” ..try pulling him/her in close and listening /talking.Show appreciation for positive behaviors, unless they are meant only to gain attentionWithdraw from power struggles and Do not retaliate with the Revengeful childFocus on the child’s assets and strengths rather than finding faultShow confidenceA child who seeks power often has a parent who likes to boss othersA child who displays inadequacy is not unable; rather lack belief in his/her ability
We learned that People are social beingsOur main goal is to belongChildren who misbehave are often discouragedDo not believe they can belong in useful waysTheir misbehavior is for the purpose ofAttention-Power-Revenge or Display of InadequacyBy choosing one or more of these 4 goals children believe they can become important/significant: they can feel a sense of belongingNow I will take you a step further. Lets consider three other topics:Emotion, Lifestyle and the Good ParentEach of these will add to your understanding of the relationship between you and your child(ren)
Not good parenting I said The Good Parent
First we’ll look at EmotionsEmotions are a necessary aspect of our makeupWhere do emotions come from?Why do we feel happy, angry or annoyed?Why are some parents better at handling emotions then others? If I’m not suppose to get angry with my child what should I do with my anger?Let’s talk a bit about where emotions come from …Typically we regard emotions as something that sort of invades us from the outsideHe made me so angry OR She’s driving me crazyWhat we don’t realize is that each of us are responsible for and can manage our own emotionsLets remember that all behavior including misbehavior serves a purpose. Our emotions too are based on our beliefs and purposes. We feel as we believe.
WE FEEL AS WE BELIEVE We perceive someone as Friendly and trustworthywe create positive feelings and draw closerWe perceive someone as Unfriendly and untrustworthy We create hostile feelings to keep them away
Here’s the deal!When we as parents decide they no loner need to be controllingbut can set limits and let the child decide and learn from consequences then there is no purpose for becoming angry and annoyed. hus no need to manage ANGRY feelings
Children havePowerTears-Water powerWe tend to think of these children as Sensitive-Fragile-Need ProtectionNOT! They are often far from weak-very powerfulUse their feelings to force others to treat them as specialOnce parents recognize this they are in a position to influence their children.Don’t ignore you child when they are truly hurt….but Get out of the vicious cycle by refraining from reactingBecoming responsible for ones one emotions is a necessary Part of growth and sets a good example for the children
We develop beliefs about Who we areWho and What others areAnd what is importantBelieve it or not …We form our most BASIC beliefs when we are youngBeliefs characterize our lifestyle-Yet our basic beliefs are often faulty and untrueBecause our interpretations are inaccurateThink about it…At that time our limited experiences as children cause us to misjudge an f over generalize. Even as infants we are forming biased beliefs that we operate by today. Knowing the factors that contribute to the formation of your childrens lifestyle is important. Once you are aware of the componetts you are in a better position to influence them positively.
Family atmosphere and valuesPatterns of interactions between the set of parents …this is called family atmosphere- competitive, cooperative, friendly or hostile, autocratic, permissive orderly, or chaotic. The family atmosphere provides a model of human relationship pattern for the child.Gender rolesHere is where children see and learn what roles of men and women are considered to be. Children base their attitudes toward their own sex and the opposite sex on their observations of their parents. OR they can completely rejet their parents models.Family constellationsWhere the child falls in the family…first born, 2nd born and so on. Each child has a different position and perceives the family and all events from her/his own viewpoint…no two will be alike. ..The oldest will perceive the family different from the way the baby of the family sees them.Competition between siblings is common and has an influence on personality development. Think about you own family, note the position of each child…think about their reactions to one another, how they influence the others behavio, how it has influenced whoyouare today.Methods of trainingHow we were parented influences our present behavior as parents. EXAMPLE:If you were brought up to believe that you must be best…you may push you children as symbols of your desired status in the communityIf you believe that you are entitled to have you own way, you may try to force you children to cater to your wishes or expect others to cater to theirsIf you were brought up with emotionally unattached fathers you may become overly attached emotionally/ enmeshed to her childThe child will ultimately decide how they will respond…no two are the same
Just a quick note about the Good ParentOne of the greatest handicaps a child can suffer is being raised by a good parent. Good parents are so involved with their chidrne that they believe they must do everything for the children. Become servants to their childrenContinually admonish themBe good byButton your coat remember your books The leave no stone unturned as they snoooperviseWhile generally well intended their behaviors rob the child of self-confidence and independenceWe must allow our children to make some decisions and experience the Consequences , positive or negative. ( Dangerous situations excluded)
The goals is to teach your child the value of mutual respect through modeling it for them.Parents deny their children opportunities to learn this concept when theyControl-no choicesDominate-because I said soOverprotect-nagPity-give into the “I cant do it” and do for themTrust that them to be able to learn from the mistakes they makeWhen Parents allow themselves to be doormats they are violating respect for themselves. Toteach mutual respect parents need to be firm without being domineering. Be firm with you own rights as parents yet refrain from depriving the child of their right to learn.EXAMPLERobert and his friends are throwing a ball in the house. Mother intercepts the ball saying “I’m sorry, boys, bu the ball could break something. You may play something else or play catch outside which would you rather do. Her calm statement established her right to live in her home undamaged, while it respects the boys decision making skills, by allowing hem to choose an acceptable activity.Questions page 26
Communication, time together and mutual respect are the biggest and strongest links in cementing the family foundation. Parents have the power within them to turn the biggest relationship challenges into successful bonding experiences.
When I as parents “Do you talk with your child?”“Sure I talk to my child.”Do you see the difference here?How much of this talking to him/her consists of nagging, yelling, reminding , criticizing, threatening, lecturing, questions in, advising probing and ridiculing?All of these tactics diminish rather then improve communication. They strain the relationship especially with tweens and teens. Imagine doing any of these things with your friends and watching them flare up in anger, or make excuses to leave Actually if most parents treated their children as nicely as they treat their friends, relationships with children would improve. Learn to communicate effectively no matter what the childs age to maintan a satisfying realtionshipPooorcommunicaitn is the mode fo life for many families
Commander--Demand that they get rid of feelings and shape upMoralist-You should do this and you shouldn't do that concerned with having proper feelingsKnow it all—Parents know it all…lecture, give advise, try to show how superior they areJudge—Already pronounced the poor child guilty with a trial. Interested only in proving that they are always right and the child is always wrongThe Psychologist.—Analyzes every problem with the best of intentions…want to hear all the details..Consoler—Simply offers a pat on the back and the pretense that all is well when it isn’t …and excuses themselves from nvolvement..
Communication begins by listening and indicating you hear the child’s feelings and meaningsEstablish eye contact and posture which indicates you are listeningAvoid nagging criticizing threatening, lecturing, probing an ridiculingTreat the child the way you want to be treatedAccept the child's feelingsUse reflective listeningGive open responses that state what the other person feels and meansLet the child learn resist the impulse to impose your solutions
Reflective listening involves grasping what the child feels and means and stating this meaning so the child feels understood and accepted. “It provides sort of mirror for the child to see himself more clearlyCommunicating between people can be described in terms of closed an open responses
Child: I’m really disappointed with Billy and the other kids for not coming over to play with me. There's nothing to doParent closed response: Well, thing don’t always go the way you want them to. That's lifeParent open response: If seems like they don’t care about you, and you're feeing kinda left out huh?FIRST RESPONSE: doesn’t accept the child's feelings…says that what he/she feels doesn't matterSECOND RESPONSE: recognizes hat he/she feels..shows acceptance and concern..they may even decide to tell you moreVerbal and Non verbal CommunicationsFacial expressions and tone of voice
Typical comments from parent about reflective listening areWhy say the child’s words back to his/herI don’t like to have to stop and think before I give a response I feel silly saying things like thatREFLECTIVE LISTENING ISNT JUST SAYING WORDS BACK It indicates to the child that you are trying to understand the feelings and the meaning of the dhilc;s messageIf they don’t say directly like I hate Billy…the feelings re generally expressed through bocy language… crying…tone of voice tells youiftheyare hurt even if they don’t say they are…A good listener is sensitiv to their child’s feelins that accompany the message..Any new behavior is uncomfortable…You have used your present patterns of responses for a longtime and it is difficult to change but worth it.New to the child too…they might be surprised…say yea right..but you can attempt to keep the lines open with would you like to tell me more about it? Don’t force them to share..there will be many opportunities to try again….Avoid sounding like a mind reader…keep your statemens tentative…don’t over do it…don’t respond to very frown or coment…
Effective parenting training
S. T. E. P.<br />SYSTEMATIC TRAINING<br /> FOR<br /> EFFECTIVE PARENTING<br />
Topics<br />Understanding Children’s Behavior<br />Understanding More about Your Child and Your self as a parent<br />Communication<br />Discipline and Consequences<br />Family time<br />Stress and conflict management<br />Anger control tools<br />Co-Parenting<br />Managing blended-family dynamics<br />Life-long Influences of Fathering on Female Psychosocial Development <br />Avoiding common parenting mistakes <br />
Understanding Behavior<br />Several popular ways to explain children’s behavior<br />1. Behavior is primarily the result of heredity<br /> “She’s just like her dad”<br /> “She has her mother’s personality”<br />2. Behavior depends on environmental influences<br /> “If he didn’t hang around his dad’s family<br /> he wouldn’t act like that”<br />3. Behavior simply occurs in stages- is predictable around <br /> certain ages. <br />
Look For The Goal<br />Observe you own reaction to the children’s misbehavior. <br />Your feelings point to the child’s goal.<br />Observe the child’s response to your attempts at correction.<br />The child’s response to your behavior will also let you know what <br />The child is after…<br />“Train yourself to look at the results of the misbehavior rather than simply<br />Seeing the behavior itself”.<br />
Four Goals of Misbehavior <br />Attention<br />Power<br />Revenge<br />Display of Inadequacy<br />
ATTENTION<br />The desire for attention is universal<br />In young children.<br />
POWER<br />Power seeking children feel they are significant only <br />when they are BOSS. <br />“No one can force me to do anything”<br />“I know already”<br />
RULES<br />Refrain from getting angry<br />Disengage from the power struggle<br />
REVENGE<br />Children who pursue revenge are convinced that they<br /> are not lovable<br />That they are significant only when they are able to<br /> hurt/control others as they believe they have been <br />Hurt/controlled<br />They find a place by being cruel an disliked<br />
Child’s revengeful behavior stems from discouragement<br />RULES<br />Do not retaliate .<br />Remain calm<br />
DISPLAY OF INADEQUACY<br />Children who display inadequacy, or disability, <br />are extremely discouraged. <br />“ cant do it”….”I don’t know how”<br />They attempt to keep others from expecting anything<br />from them since they have given up hope of succeeding<br />
RULES<br />Eliminate all criticism<br />Focus instead on the child’s assets, strengths<br />Encourage any effort to improve no matter how small it seems<br />
Understanding Behavior Points to Remember<br /><ul><li>Effective parenting requires patience. Take one step at a time
Liberate yourself through a democratic relationship with your child.</li></ul> doing so will make all members of the family more responsible and more capable.<br /><ul><li>Democratic procedures permit choice
All behavior has a social purpose. The goal of misbehavior are: </li></ul>Attention-Power-Revenge-or Display of Inadequacy.<br /><ul><li>Your response feelings about a child’s misbehavior point to the purpose of his/her goal</li></li></ul><li>Understanding Behavior Points to Remember<br /><ul><li>Change the child's behavior by changing yours.
A child who seeks power often has a parent who likes to boss others
A child who displays inadequacy is not unable; rather lack belief in his/her ability</li></li></ul><li>Understanding your child and yourself as a parent<br />People are social beings- main goal is to belong<br />Children who misbehave are often discouraged<br />Do not believe they can belong in useful ways<br />Their misbehavior is for the purpose of<br />Attention-Power-Revenge or Display of Inadequacy<br />
Emotions<br />Necessary aspect of our makeup<br />Where do emotions come from?<br />Why do we feel happy, angry or annoyed?<br />Why are some parents better at handling<br /> emotions then others?<br />
We feel as we believe. <br />Friendly and trustworthy<br />= <br />positive feelings and closeness<br />Unfriendly and untrustworthy<br />=<br />create hostile feelings to keep them away<br />
Parents often become annoyed and angry<br /> with children because the child will not do<br /> what the parent wants<br />These hostile feeling serve the purpose of<br />Controlling the child<br />
Children can use emotions to manipulate parents/others. <br /><ul><li>Tears-Water power
Methods of training</li></li></ul><li>Good Parents are the Worst<br />One of the greatest handicaps a child can suffer is being raised by a good parent.<br /> Good parents are so involved with their children that they believe they must do everything for the children. <br />Become servants to their children<br />Parents must allow our children to make some decisions and experience the <br />Consequences , positive or negative. ( Dangerous situations excluded)<br />
The goals is to teach your child the value<br />of mutual respect through modeling it<br />Parents deny their children opportunities<br />to learn this concept when they<br />Control<br />Dominate<br />Overprotect<br />Pity.<br />
Communication, time together and mutual respect are the biggest and strongest links in cementing the family foundation. <br />Parents have the power within them to turn the biggest relationship challenges into successful bonding experiences.<br />
COMMUNICATION<br />“Do you talk with your child?”<br />“Sure I talk to my child.”<br />
Which role do you play<br />Commander in Chief<br />The Moralist<br />The Know it all<br />The Judge<br />The Critic<br />The Psychologist<br />The Consoler<br />
Effective Listeners Use Reflective Listening<br />Communication begins by listening and indicating you hear the child’s feelings and meanings<br />Establish eye contact and posture which indicates you are listening<br />Avoid nagging criticizing threatening, lecturing, probing an ridiculing<br />Treat the child the way you want to be treated<br />Accept the child's feelings<br />Use reflective listening<br />Give open responses that state what the other person feels and means<br />Let the child learn resist the impulse to impose your solutions<br />
Example<br />Child: That teacher is unfair! I’ll never do well in that stupid class<br />Parent: You’re feeling angry and disappointed and you’ve given up.<br />
Example<br />Child: I’m really disappointed with Billy and the other kids for not coming over to play with me. There's nothing to do<br />Parent closed response: Well, thing don’t always go the way you want them to. Tha’ts life<br />Parent open response: If seems like they don’t care about you, and you're feeing kinda left out huh?<br />
Parents comments<br />Why say the child’s words back to his/her<br />I don’t like to have to stop and think before I give a response<br /> I feel silly saying things like that<br />