Intergrated-Therapy "Circle of Security"

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Intergrated-Therapy "Circle of Security"

  1. 1. Calibrating security <ul><li>The circle of security approach </li></ul>Material by Dr. Kent Hoffman Presented by Karen Cowling Intergrated-Therapy Family Therapy. 2009
  2. 2. <ul><li>“ We are hardwired for relationship.” </li></ul>
  3. 3. <ul><li>Where we are going </li></ul><ul><li>Our inborn need for relationship </li></ul><ul><li>Our hardwiring for security </li></ul><ul><li>The nature of security </li></ul><ul><li>The nature of insecurity </li></ul><ul><li>Calibration, calibration, calibration </li></ul>
  4. 4. <ul><ul><li>“ Admit something:  </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Everyone you see, you say to them, </li></ul></ul><ul><li>LOVE ME! </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Of course you do not do this out loud;  otherwise, someone would call the police.  </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Still though, think about this, </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>this great pull in us to connect.  </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Hafiz (1319-1388 A.D.) </li></ul></ul>
  5. 5. <ul><li>“ Holding Environment” - Donald Winnicott, M.D. </li></ul><ul><li>“ Being With” </li></ul><ul><li>Resonance with and attunement to the emotional experience of another . </li></ul>
  6. 6. <ul><li>We all need to know that we are held in the mind and heart of another. </li></ul>
  7. 7. <ul><li>“ As far as I can tell, most people I know hardly listen at all when I try to tell them something, but seem instead just to be waiting till it’s time for them to start talking again, and that always makes me feel terribly lonely, as if the only one of us who cares about who I am and what I think is me.” </li></ul><ul><li>Frederick Buechner </li></ul><ul><li>Secrets in the Dark </li></ul>
  8. 8. <ul><li>We'll do it all, everything on our own. </li></ul><ul><li>We don't need anything or anyone. </li></ul><ul><li>If I lay here, if I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know how to say how I feel </li></ul><ul><li>Those three words are said too much, they're not enough. </li></ul><ul><li>If I lay here, if I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old </li></ul><ul><li>Show me a garden that's bursting into life. </li></ul>
  9. 9. We are hardwired to be held in the mind and heart of another.
  10. 10. <ul><li>“ There is only one beautiful baby in the world – and every parent has it.” </li></ul><ul><li>- Chinese Proverb </li></ul>
  11. 11. <ul><li>Calibration 101 Two primary requirements in the first year of life: </li></ul><ul><li>1. Delight </li></ul><ul><li>2. Being with </li></ul>
  12. 12. <ul><li>Young mother: “You mean, you really want to be here? (Pause with tears) It feel so good to know that you WANT to be here with me.” </li></ul><ul><li>Fondness. Tenderness. Delight. Focus is on the needs of the child/following the child’s need/taking cues from the child. </li></ul>
  13. 13. <ul><li>Hardwired Requirement </li></ul><ul><li>“ I’m here and you’re worth it.” </li></ul><ul><li>Jude Cassidy, Ph.D. University of Maryland </li></ul>
  14. 14. <ul><li>Hardwired Requirement </li></ul><ul><li>“ You’re here and I’m worth it.” </li></ul>
  15. 15. <ul><li>Being With </li></ul><ul><li>At the heart of developing a secure attachment is the knowledge that your caregiver is emotionally available to “ be with ” you during times of need. </li></ul>
  16. 16. <ul><li>If there is one child focused capacity that is missing most in our fast paced culture it is </li></ul><ul><li>“ Being With.” </li></ul>
  17. 17. <ul><li>Only one swear word </li></ul><ul><li>in my parenting </li></ul><ul><li>vocabulary . . . </li></ul>
  18. 19. <ul><li>“ Being With” </li></ul><ul><li>“ Don’t just do something, sit there.” </li></ul>
  19. 20. <ul><li>Parent Pushing Child to Conform to Her/His Needs </li></ul>Parent
  20. 21. Baby Mom How does this feel to my baby?
  21. 22. How does this feel to my baby? Not Being With Bad feelings + Feeling Alone = “I’m stuck here in this horrible feeling with no one who gets how terrible it feels.”
  22. 23. <ul><li>If I’m in China, the only place you can really meet me is in China. </li></ul>
  23. 25. <ul><li>“ Having someone here with me in this difficult feeling allows me a way out of feeling bad.” </li></ul><ul><li>“ Please let me know you get what I’m feeling and that you will wait here with me until things change.” </li></ul>
  24. 26. <ul><li>Have faith that you are in fact being very useful by giving your baby an important gift: &quot;I can't always make everything better, but I can be with you when you’re upset.” The baby learns: “When I struggle, I don’t have to struggle alone.” </li></ul>
  25. 27. <ul><li>Time-In 101 </li></ul><ul><li>Please “get” what I’m feeling (Please identify the distressing feeling – anger, sadness, fear, etc.). </li></ul><ul><li>Please share some of this feeling with me. </li></ul><ul><li>Together we can find a way out of this feeling. (And I will increasingly trust that good things follow bad things.) </li></ul><ul><li>Eventually I will be able to trust my own ability to move through difficult feelings on my own – knowing that you are always right her in my memory offering your strength, care, and support. </li></ul>
  26. 28. <ul><li>Being With </li></ul><ul><li>At the heart of developing a secure attachment is the knowledge that your caregiver is emotionally available to “ be with ” you during times of need. </li></ul>
  27. 29. <ul><li>The Hidden Key to Security </li></ul><ul><li>“ Recognizing and “being with” a child’s needs.” </li></ul><ul><li>(Each need is a point of potential “being with” or not “being with”) </li></ul>
  28. 30. I need you to I need you to I need you to I need you to Support my Exploration <ul><li>Watch over me </li></ul><ul><li>Delight in me </li></ul><ul><li>Help me </li></ul><ul><li>Enjoy with me </li></ul>Welcome me coming to you <ul><li>Protect me </li></ul><ul><li>Comfort me </li></ul><ul><li>Organize my feelings </li></ul><ul><li>Delight in me </li></ul>Circle of Security Parent Attending to the Child’s Needs
  29. 31. The Hidden Key to Security <ul><li>Tracking the 12 Needs on the Circle. </li></ul><ul><li>“ Being with” each need as it emerges (at least some of the time). </li></ul>
  30. 32. <ul><li>From “My child’s behavior is random,” to “My child’s behavior always has meaning.” </li></ul>
  31. 33. (Almost) Everything I Need to Know About Enhancing Security in 25 Words or less <ul><li>Always : be BIGGER, STRONGER, WISER, and KIND. </li></ul><ul><li>Whenever possible : follow a child’s need. </li></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Whenever necessary : take charge. </li></ul></ul></ul></ul></ul>
  32. 34. Circle of Security Top Half Bottom Half Hands
  33. 35. <ul><li>Protect me </li></ul><ul><li>Comfort me </li></ul><ul><li>Delight in me </li></ul><ul><li>Organize my feelings </li></ul>Circle of Security Parent Attending to the Child’s Needs I need you to Support My Exploration Welcome My Coming To You I need you to <ul><li>Watch over me </li></ul><ul><li>Help me </li></ul><ul><li>Enjoy with me </li></ul><ul><li>Delight in me </li></ul>I need you to I need you to SAFE HAVEN SECURE BASE
  34. 36. Security <ul><li>Mary Ainsworth, pioneer of attachment theory and the structured protocol “The Strange Situation” commented that the secure relationship is the most calm, direct, obvious, and straight forward. </li></ul><ul><li>It doesn’t take a lot of thinking to understand a secure relationship. A need is a need is a need, and it can be openly expressed. </li></ul>
  35. 37. A DIFFERENCE THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE 50 YEARS OF RESEARCH HAVE SHOWN THAT CHILDREN THAT ARE MORE SECURELY ATTACHED : <ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Enjoy more happiness with their parents </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Feel less anger at their parents </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Get along better with friends </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Have stronger friendships </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Are able solve problems with friends </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Trust that good things will come their way </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Know that most problems will have an answer </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Trust the people they love </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Know how to be kind to those around them </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Have better relationships with brothers and sisters </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Have higher self-esteem </li></ul></ul></ul></ul>
  36. 38. Cue <ul><li>A direct or indirect signal from the child for a specific need on the Circle to be met </li></ul><ul><li>(“When I have a need anywhere on the Circle I can make it known.”) </li></ul>
  37. 39. Insecurity is the unresolved tension between experiences of being with and experiences of not being with.
  38. 40. COS focused psychotherapy has everything to do with knowing and treating this tension between regulated and unregulated feeling.
  39. 41. Said more directly: Unregulated Affect In COS work, we are always keeping our eye on the specific way in which the caregiver and child are struggling with
  40. 42. UNREGULATED AFFECT
  41. 43. Unregulated/Unmet Feeling “ I feel all alone without anyone here to help me with these feelings that are too big for me on my own.”
  42. 44.     For each of the core emotions ( anger, sadness, fear, joy, interest and shame ) draw a circle. Place each circle either inside, outside, or partially in/outside the Circle of Security based upon:    Your experience as a child – how much was each emotion allowed to be a part of your relationship with your primary parent.      Circle of Security   Mutual Regulation of Emotions
  43. 45.   Miscue <ul><li>A misleading or contradictory cue used to protect the child from the pain of having a specific need on the Circle exposed and/or unmet </li></ul><ul><li>(“When I have a need at certain points on the Circle it doesn’t feel comfortable making it directly known. So I’ll express that need in another, less obvious way.”) </li></ul>
  44. 46. CIRCLE OF LIMITED SECURITY Child Miscuing: Attending to the Parent’s Needs SAFE HAVEN SECURE BASE I MISCUE YOU ABOUT MY NEED BY... I NEED YOU TO WELCOME MY COMING TO YOU BUT… ACTING LIKE I NEED TO EXPLORE OR BE DISTANT “ YOU” turns into “ US” which turns into “ ME” A miscue is a misleading or contradictory cue used to protect the child from the pain of having a specific need exposed and/or unmet. A cue is direct or indirect signal from the child for a specific need to be met. THAT MAKES US UNCOMFORTABLE SO...
  45. 47. CIRCLE OF LIMITED SECURITY Child Miscuing: Attending to the Parent’s Needs SAFE HAVEN SECURE BASE I NEED SUPPORT FOR EXPLORATION BUT… I ACT LIKE I NEED COMFORT AND/OR PROTECTION I MISCUE YOU AND... THAT MAKES US UNCOMFORTABLE SO...
  46. 48. Emotional States Become Traits * Chronic dependency upon another * Chronic self-sufficiency SAFE HAVEN SECURE BASE I HAVE TO STAY CLOSE* I NEED TO BE DISTANT*
  47. 49. Heart Rate of Children During the Strange Situation Sroufe & Waters (1997). Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 23, 3-27. <ul><li>All infants showed elevated heart rate during separation </li></ul><ul><li>Secure infant’s heart rate recovered on average in about one minute </li></ul><ul><li>Ambivalent infants requested to be put down before their heart rate recovered and reached to be held again </li></ul><ul><li>Avoidant infants had elevated heart rate long into the reunion while outwardly appearing to be unaffected </li></ul>
  48. 50. Disorganized Attachment <ul><li>The irresolvable paradox that emerges when the parent is both the source of the child’s fear and the haven for the child’s safety. </li></ul><ul><li>  </li></ul>
  49. 51. CIRCLE OF DISORGANIZATION I need you but you are so frightened or frightening that I have no one to turn to and I don’t know what to do. Disorganized attachment is the irresolvable paradox that occurs when the parent is both the source of the child’s fear and the haven for the child’s safety. This paradox leaves a child feeling chronically afraid, on the verge of losing emotional and behavioral control and with a diminished capacity to see adults as a resource.
  50. 52. Name That Need <ul><li>Top Half </li></ul><ul><li>Support my exploration </li></ul><ul><li>Watch over me </li></ul><ul><li>Delight in me </li></ul><ul><li>Help me </li></ul><ul><li>Enjoy with me </li></ul><ul><li>Bottom Half </li></ul><ul><li>Welcome my coming in </li></ul><ul><li>Protect me </li></ul><ul><li>Comfort me </li></ul><ul><li>Delight in me </li></ul><ul><li>Organize my feelings </li></ul>Hands Bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind
  51. 53. <ul><li>Protect me </li></ul><ul><li>Comfort me </li></ul><ul><li>Delight in me </li></ul><ul><li>Organize my feelings </li></ul>Circle of Security Parent Attending to the Child’s Needs I need you to Support My Exploration Welcome My Coming To You I need you to <ul><li>Watch over me </li></ul><ul><li>Delight in me </li></ul><ul><li>Help me </li></ul><ul><li>Enjoy with me </li></ul>I need you to I need you to SAFE HAVEN SECURE BASE

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