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Business process re-engineering comes to baseball


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Satirical description showing the absurdity of cutting costs mindlessly

Published in: Entertainment & Humor
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Business process re-engineering comes to baseball

  1. 1. Process Re-engineering Moves to Baseball-- truthtable@aol.comIn a surprise move today, the take-over executive known affectionately as B. S.announced a take-over of the New York Yankees.INTERVIEW ONEB.S.: "The Yankees are facing new competitive pressures, and we will bebringing our management skills to the team to help them deal with thosepressures and increase shareholder value while maintaining player morale andimproving customer service."Reporter: "So, what exactly will you be doing?"B.S.: "First, we brought in an outside Management Consulting Firm. Justbetween you and me, we paid them big bucks! But it was worth it."Reporter:"Worth it how? What will you be doing?"B.S.:"Well, for starters, were downsizing the on-the-field team from nine to sixplayers."Reporter:"Uh....did these management consultants actually know how to playbaseball?"B.S."Probably. Maybe. I dont really know. But thats not the point. They aretop-notch accountants. We plan to increase our operating efficiency 33%."Reporter:"Fascinating. Any other plans."B.S.:"We have to be willing to change, you know, flow with the times. Once,spring training made sense. But in todays highly competitive economy, wewont be able to afford frills like that."Reporter: "Cool. No training. That should save some bucks!"B.S.:"You said it! We have to pay for our big executive bonuses somehow.After all, were responsible."Reporter: "Any other productivity measures?"
  2. 2. B.S.: "Well, this inventory of bats, balls, mitts -- I mean that has just gotten outof hand. Sure, I suppose we should keep a bat for the team, but having all thoseindividual bats? Nonsense. And, dont get me started on mitts!"Reporter:"No mitts? Wont that decrease your fielding effectiveness?"B.S.:"No, we have a Quality Process to improve our fielding effectiveness.Besides our management consultants pointed out that cricket fielders dont usemitts."Reporter: "Well, Mr. B.S., I think the Yankee fans are in for a real -- a reallydifferent experience this season."B.S.: "Thanks! And, believe me, Wall Street has already taken notice. TheMarket to Book value is up 10% already. Just wait till we move into thefootball market."Reporter: "Football?"B.S.:"Sure. Theres no reason at all these ball-players cant make themselvesuseful in the off-season by playing football."Reporter:"Well, with a few exceptions, it takes a different set of skills -- and adifferent body type even to ---"B.S.:"B*** S***! Thats what those nambly-pambly unions would like you tobelieve. Didnt you play football and baseball when you were a kid? Huh?"Reporter: "Well, yes, but not at a professional level. I mean...."B.S."Well, were going to increase shareholder value. Period. End ofdiscussion."INTERVIEW TWOReporter: "So, B.S., how is your plan going?"B.S.: "Great! Fantastic!"Reporter: "So, youre winning ball games then?"B.S. "We are meeting all our financial targets for cost-containment. In fact, ourtop-notch accounting team has uncovered another big cost savings."
  3. 3. Reporter: "Really? What?"B.S.:"Were going to outsource our pitching. No more high-paid prima donnas!Nope. Weve found a vendor who can provide pitching for 1/10 of our currentcosts!"Reporter: "Hmmm. I dont know. They say, pitching is 80% of baseball."B.S.: "Exactly, my point, boy!"Reporter: "Well, are you actually winning games?"B. S. "I already told you, our costs are down significantly!"Reporter: "Yes, but when you actually get out on the field, do you score morepoints than your opponents?"B.S. "There are some temporary performance anomalies -- mostly due to badweather -- and the lack of cooperation on the part of the Umpires Union."Reporter: "Lack of cooperation?"B.S. "Yes, the Umpires havent quite adjusted to the new realities ofcompetition. Once they make the proper adjustments to the strike zone, I haveevery confidence that we will be fully compatible run-wise with others in oursegment of the league."Reporter: "I see...."B.S.:"Meanwhile, were also improving and upgrading our capitalinfrastructure."Reporter: "You mean...the stadium?"B.S."Exactly. Were replacing the concrete with much newer high-techpolypropylene glycol embedded stryene."Reporter: "Oh. Will you be replacing those hard seats?"B.S. "Seats? Dont be ridiculous. That would be way too expensive."Reporter: "Well, how will the stadium be different -- from the fansperspective?"
  4. 4. B.S.: "Fans? Oh, fans. It will be a much more modern, more high-techstadium."Reporter: "So, how will the actual experience of the fans be different?"B.S. "Did I mention that our stock price has risen 5%? Wall Street knowswhats best for baseball!"Reporter: "Perhaps, but according to our wire service, you lost last night toCleveland, 26-0. Thats...."B.S.:"Thats a temporary abberation! I told you! The Umpires have got to geton board here. Were only asking a proportional shrinkage in the strike zone tomatch our cost-containment figures. Our new policies are a success. We dontneed to be questioned by nay-sayers spouting statistics. This interview is over!"INTERVIEW THREEReporter: "So, BS, I hear your team has surpassed the opening losing streakrecord of the Pittsburg...."BS:"Bah! Our expenses are down! Our stock price is UP!"Reporter: "How about the fans? Hows the attendance?"BS: "Attendance? It takes time for our end users to adjust to the interfacechanges, but they will. After all, what are they going to do, take a ride to Seattlejust to watch a live ballgame?"Reporter: "Well -- or, maybe across town."BS: "Get serious. It takes less time to get to Seattle. Anyway, we have takensome of the surplus and hired some systems analysts to help us out. We shouldbe on a winning streak in no time!"Reporter: "Wouldnt it maybe make more sense to hire some -- you know,outfielders, say?"BS: "You obviously dont know anything about business. Thats why they hiredme. Ever hear of the expression a level playing field?"Reporter: "Yes, but what ... ?"
  5. 5. BS: "Well, we are not going to have one! Not much longer! Our systemanalysts have designed a system to tilt the entire stadium on command. So -- inshort, our ball-players will be hitting DOWNSLOPE while the opposition willbe hitting UPHILL! Come on. Tell me Im brilliant!"Reporter: "Uh, youre brilliant, but -- ah -- wont your opponents object?"BS: "Who cares? Our lawyers have combed the rule book and the UCC andNOWHERE does it mention anything about not tilting the earth!"Reporter: "Well, maybe not specifically, but surely on the basic principles offair play...."BS: "Ha hah hahahahhh! Oh, you really crack me up! Basic Principles of FairPlay! Oh, thats rich. Thats realllllly rich. Yes. Good one. Listen, sucker, if youcan get away with it, its what you do! Have you been asleep? Ever hear oftobacco companies? How about the Ford Pinto? Billionaire Milliken? Getreal!"Reporter: "Still....somehow, I always thought of baseball as a sport."BS: "Oh, right. And, I always thought of Howard Stern as Marilyn Monroe.Geez. Our profits will soar! Our profits will soar! Oh, so many plans. Fewersquares! Fewer innings! Fines for foul balls! Fines for run homes! Fines...."Reporter: "Excuse me, did you say run homes?"BS: "Yeah, those things -- dont you call them run homes -- where the guy losesthe baseball? Talk about waste!"Reporter: "Those are Home Runs. Thats one good way to win ball games."BS: "Yeah, whatever. Maybe to you. To me, they are an unnecessary waste.Just like second square."Reporter: "Second square? You mean, second base?"BS: "Whatever. That little square bag out there in the middle of the sandyfield."Reporter: "Have you ever actually played baseball?"BS: "Me? I was too busy for frills, my friend. Too busy making my firstmillion. And I did it through hard work and ingenuity. I did it in high school. It
  6. 6. wasnt easy either. Do you know how many of those little first grade brats youhave to shake down for lunch money just to get a thousand bucks?"