A prayer to the
football gods for the
physical and mental
health of our 2010
Training camp is upon us once again. Last year it was a disaster – The
death of our defensive coordinator, a few torn ACL’s, an arrest,
players with various complaints, and other nonsense. And it didn’t
stop there - The injuries continued to mount up as the season
progressed. Are the football gods behind all of this?
Come on, man. That’s your teammate.
Dear football gods, I’m not here to ask for a
championship – Those are earned. I’m not here to ask
for a the entire Cowboys organization to be stricken
with a vicious case of syphilis. I’m not here asking for
any special luck at all.
But in 2010, can we maybe not have the ridiculous
amount of injuries/drama that we had in 2009? I’ll
show you what I mean, in chronological order…
The Eagles rolled the dice and let
the legendary (and still productive)
Brian Dawkins hit free agency,
hoping that another NFL team
wouldn’t overpay him. Oops –
Gamble backfires. Some Eagles
fans are angry at first, then
convince themselves that he
couldn’t cover anymore.
Later that day, the Eagles
announce that they have
signed Stacy Andrews to a 6
year, $38.9 million contract.
Andrews needs crutches to
get to his seat for the press
"Dan is [expletive]-ing
Dawkins signing with
Denver ... Dam Eagles R
The Eagles fire low-level employee Dan Leone for his remarks on facebook after Brian
Dawkins bolted for Denver. Evidently, the Eagles had a tarty flavor, which they apparently
lost, but then regained when Dawkins left… Hence – “Retarted.” I’m not exactly sure how
losing Brian Dawkins would make the Eagles regain their “tarty” flavor, but Leone sure
didn’t like it. Note to self – Don’t buy Dan Leone Sour Patch Kids for Easter.
Unhappy with his contract, longtime Eagle
great Sheldon Brown requests a trade. He
then takes it to the next level by suggesting
that Trent Cole and Mike Patterson should
also be unhappy with their deals. Brown
will eventually get his wish.
It is revealed that Brian
Westbrook will need surgery
to have painful bone spurs
removed from his ankle. He
will miss all of training camp.
Sean McDermott is
confirming that Jim
Johnson, who is battling
cancer, will not coach
the Eagles in 2009.
The Eagles hire Todd Pinkston as an intern (seriously).
Eagles' longtime defensive coordinator and legendary football man, Jim Johnson dies of cancer.
Side note - On the
same day Jim
Johnson dies, the top
front page story on
“Brett Favre tells
he’ll remain retired.”
Johnson’s death is a
mere footnote. Bang
up job, ESPN.
On Eagles “Flight Night,”
starting standout MLB
Stewart Bradley tears
ACL, out for the season.
Juqua Parker and Todd
Herremans decide to take
a little break from the
rigors of training camp by
chilling in the dark with a
couple young sluts in the
shadiest van I've ever
seen. Parker is arrested for
possession of weed.
Yes, this is the actual van
Promising rookie TE
tears ACL, out for
Another injury. This time it's Todd Herremans
(back in the news again), with a stress
reaction, or a stress fracture, or something.
He'll miss the first 5 games of 2009.
"Right now, I’m the starting free safety,
but there are so many games being
played that it’s getting irritating."
Quintin Demps isn’t handed the started FS job
on a platter, throws a hissy fit, ends up in Andy
Reid’s doghouse all season. He’s beaten out by
rookie 5th round draft pick Macho Harris.
spending 19 months in
Goodell decides that
Vick for 2 games is
juuuuuust the right
amount of extra time
Vick needs to be away
from football to satisfy
his debt to society.
Isn’t it enough that we have to
now deal with the idiots at PETA?
In a Week 1 win over the Carolina Panthers, Donovan
McNabb suffers a cracked rib on a TD run on a questionable
late hit in the endzone. He will miss the next 2 weeks.
The Eagles officially place
starting RT Shawn
Andrews on IR due to a
"sore back." Out for the
season, eventually cut by
the Eagles. Not to worry,
Andrews fans – He’ll soon
be drafted in the 3rd round
by the UFL’s Omaha
Overhead view of Andrews’ hair.
In a game in Oakland, Jason Peters is injured.
His replacement, King Dunlap, asks the
Raiders nicely if they'll leave Donovan
McNabb alone. Despite promising to be
their best friend, the Raiders instead decide
to toss Dunlap around like a rag doll in route
to the Eagles’ annual “Are you freaking
kidding me?!?!?” embarrassing loss.
Brian Westbrook suffers a concussion against the Redskins. He’ll have another one 3 weeks
later against the Chargers. He’ll never be a factor as an Eagle again, and will soon be cut.
The season ending injuries continue. This time it’s Omar Gaither, with a lisfranc injury.
OK, so this one isn't football related, but the Phillies lose
to the Yankees in the World Series. This owner of this
truck celebrates alone in his room with... well... himself.
Yet another one heads to the IR. Ellis Hobbs, serious neck injury, out for season.
In addition to losing Ellis Hobbs for the season, the Eagles
lose yet another CB, Joselio Hanson, to a suspension for
taking a diuretic. Pat Williams and Kevin Williams of the
Vikings, as well as Will Smith and Charles Grant of the
Saints also tested positive for a diuretic, but only Hanson
draws a suspension. Thanks, Goodell.
The Eagles place Jamaal
Jackson on IR, with…
Anyone? Bueller? An
ACL tear! This leaves
ONE offensive lineman
that will have started all
16 games - Wanna guess
who? Hint - it's a guy
that many thought
wouldn't even make the
team (myself included)...
Starters that went on IR…
- RT Shawn Andrews
- MLB Stewart Bradley
- C Jamaal Jackson
The total carnage of
Others on IR…
- LB Omar Gaither
- CB Ellis Hobbs
the 2009 season
- TE Cornelius Ingram
- T Fenuki Tupou
Starters that missed at least one full game due to
- QB Donovan McNabb (2 games)
- RB Brian Westbrook (8 games)
- WR Jeremy Maclin (1 game)
- WR DeSean Jackson (1 game)
- LT Jason Peters (1 game)
- LG Todd Herremans (5 games)
- RG Stacy Andrews (6 games)
- OLB Chris Gocong (1 game)
- OLB Akeem Jordan (4 games)
Others that missed at least one full game due to
- WR Kevin Curtis (13 games)
- QB Michael Vick (1 game, 2 more for suspension)
- DE Victor Abiamiri (3 games)
- CB Joselio Hanson (4 game suspension)
It’s now 2010, and already, right out of the shoot during OTA’s, we lose safety
Marlin Jackson. I mean… Come on… He never even got to play a preseason game
with us, and he ruptures his achilles tendon?!?!? Can we not start this again?
So again, football gods,
what is it that we can do
to appease you?
Pay reparations to all those that had their careers
cut short by the turf at Veterans Stadium?
Did McNabb do something?
Are you a Rush Limbaugh
fan? Because if so, we
traded McNabb to the
Or maybe you’re a big McNabb fan, and you’re punishing us for booing him at the
draft 10+ years ago? That was just 30 idiots and a retarded radio station host that
isn’t even from Philly. We’ll gladly round them all up (especially the annoying guy
with the face paint in the middle), and you can do with them as you please.
Hell, you can take Eskin, too…
Santa? It that
what this is? Are
you behind this,
have been feeling
bad for you since
1968. So you got
booed… Big effing
deal. It was 40
years ago. Act
like a man.
So please, football gods, let us know what we can do
to make things right. We’re open for anything.