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Coke Zero Official Document 2013: It’s Not Your Fault You Can’t Stop Watching March Madness

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This presentation offers a detailed exploration into all of the reasons why man is unable to do anything but watch basketball during the NCAA tournament. Plus, it has pictures!

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Coke Zero Official Document 2013: It’s Not Your Fault You Can’t Stop Watching March Madness

  1. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU CAN’T STOP WATCHING NCAA® MARCH MADNESS® An exploration into all the reasons man is unable to do anything but watch basketball during the NCAA® Tournament. It has pictures!NCAA, Final Four and March Madness are trademarksof the National Collegiate Athletic Association
  2. EXECUTIVE SUMMARYI. Man HAS ALWAYS NEEDED sportII. Basketball is the perfect sportIII. March madness is the ultimate form of basketballIV. Conclusion (EPIC)V. COKE ZERO LOGO
  3. Man Riding Mammoth For Sport SECTION IFOR AS LONG AS MAN HAS ROAMED THE EARTH, HE HAS NEEDED SPORT page 3
  4. EARLY MAN’S ENVIRONMENT MADE ATHLETIC SKILL R DANGE ESSENTIAL SABER-TOOTHED ACTIVE WILD CARELESS TIGERS VOLCANOES BOULDERS MAMMOTHS SPRINTING DODGING PERIPHERAL VISION JUMPING SKILL source: Some museumSECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 4
  5. SPORT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE BEST WAY FOR MAN TO SHOW HIS GENETICALLY DESIRABLE TRAITSATTRACTIVENESS SPORTS BEAR-CLAW HAS NICE GOOD HIGH-PAYING SPACIOUS LITERACY PROWESS NECKLACE WHEEL WITH KIDS JOB CAVE source: Cave magazine SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 5
  6. THROUGHOUT HISTORY, PLAYING SPORTS HAS BROUGHT MAN TOGETHER TIGER TAG JOUSTING FOOTBALL 42,000 BC, JUNGLE 950, CASTLE 1400, ENGLAND WRESTLING LACROSSE SAILBOATINGTHE BEGINNING 2400 BC, MUD PIT 1100, NATIVE AMERICA 1492, OCEAN OF TIME BASEBALL FOOTBALL 1845, FIELD 1900, GRIDIRON DUELING BASKETBALL HOCKEY TIMEBALL 1830, WILD WEST 1891, FARM 1900, CANADA? 2043, MOON source: Wikipedia SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 6
  7. THROUGHOUT HISTORY, WATCHING SPORTS HAS ALSO BROUGHT MAN TOGETHER TIGER TAG JOUSTING FOOTBALL 42,000 BC, JUNGLE 950, CASTLE 1400, ENGLAND WRESTLING LACROSSE SAILBOATINGTHE BEGINNING 2400 BC, MUD PIT 1100, NATIVE AMERICA 1492, OCEAN OF TIME BASEBALL FOOTBALL 1845, FIELD 1900, GRIDIRON DUELING BASKETBALL HOCKEY TIMEBALL 1830, WILD WEST 1891, FARM 1900, CANADA? 2043, MOON source: Wikipedia SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 7
  8. WATCHING SPORT TOGETHER SATISFIES MAN’S INHERENT HERD MENTALITY 1% RATIONAL THOUGHT fig. 5WHY GUYS 3%DO THINGS THEY HAVE NO IDEA 3% TO IMPRESS GIRLS 3.5% ICE CREAM 89.5% OTHER GUYS ARE DOING IT source: About a hundred other similar graphs SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 8
  9. SPORT IS BETTER THAN: BUYING PAPER TOWELS. SITTING AT A TABLE DOING NOTHING. UNSALTED SNACKS. STAMPS. EYEBALL-ING MEASUREMENTS. GETTING A HAIRCUT. DRIVING A CARPOOL. RIDING IN A CARPOOL. TALKING TO BORING NEIGHBORS.USING A COASTER. USING A TOASTER. CHANGING VOICEMAIL. POURING OUT CAT FOOD. TRYING TO REMEMBER SOMEONE’SNAME. THINKING ABOUT BUFFALOS. DOING YOUR TAXES. WRITING OUT LONG LISTS OF THINGS. READING WORDS. ORDERINGMAYO ON THE SIDE. WAITING IN A DENTIST’S WAITING ROOM. BOOKS ABOUT MOVIES. CHEESE STICKS. CLICKING A PEN FOR ALONG TIME. UNBENDING A PAPERCLIP. AN OLD HAT. EGG WHITES. SPILLING PASTA SAUCE. CLEANING UP YOUR PASTA SAUCESPILL. TAKING OUT THE TRASH. MAKING THE LONG WALK FROM THE STREET TO THE HOUSE. PLAYING SILLY, POINTLESS GAMES.ONE-WAY FLIRTING. ANTI-SMELL SPRAY. REMEMBERING OLD CARTOONS. NEVER TRYING A COCONUT. JUICE THAT TASTES LIKEVEGETABLES. DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR THAT DAY. PUTTING AWAY WHAT YOU DECIDED NOT TO WEAR THAT DAY. LAUNDRY.UGH, I HATE LAUNDRY. CALLING JIM BACK AGAIN. READING ABOUT MATH. MATH ABOUT READING. EATING HALF A SANDWICH.TRYING TO DO TRICKS WHILE YOU’RE WALKING. DRAWING ON A NAPKIN. SOLVING PUZZLES. CONVERSATIONS ABOUT OLDTHINGS. TRIMMING VARIOUS HAIRS AND SUCH. SHELLING NUTS. DRINKING SELTZER. CONSIDERING CHANGING SEATS BUT NOT.WISHING YOU WERE DOING SOMETHING ELSE. WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY. CHANGING THE RADIO STATION. CHANGING THERADIO STATION AGAIN . STARING AT SUSANFROM ACROSS YOUR SPORT COMPENSATES FOR MAN’S OFFICE. LEANING ONBRICK WALLS LOOKINGREMEMBERING THOSE RELATIVELY UNEXCITING LIFE DGF COOL. NETWORKING. DIRECTIONS. CHOOS-ING SUSHI NAMING YOUR HOUSE AFTER A FAMOUS STADIUM. RENTING TUXEDOS. PAYING FOR THINGS. CUTTING A GRAPE-FRUIT. FIGURING OUT THE CORRECT TITLES FOR PEOPLE. MAKING SURE YOU HAVE A PROTEIN SHAKE EVERY DAY. EATING BEDCEREAL. UPDATING PROFILES. LISTING FAMOUS DOGS. PICKLE SLICES. WORKING ON VARIOUS GYMNASTICS MOVES. ASKINGCOWORKERS WHERE TO FIND A GOOD TACO. YOUR FRIEND CHESTER. BREAKING A FLIP-FLOP. WIPING OFF YOUR KEYBOARD.CONTINUING TO WORK ON REALLY LONG LISTS. TAKING NAPS. GOING TO A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED TRACTOR PULL. ORDERINGFOOD. CONSUMING MEDIA. MAKING GIFS. ADJUSTING THE TEMPERATURE OF THE SHOWER. ACCIDENTALLY REPLYING ALL.DECORATING FOR VARIOUS HOLIDAYS. SHOPPING FOR TRENDY YET POORLY BUILT SWEDISH FURNITURE ON A RAINY SATUR-DAY. GIVING PEOPLE THE THUMBS-UP. ANYTHING OF OR RELATING TO BIOCHEMISTRY. LOOKING AT BORING STACKS OFNUMBER BRICKS ON YOUR COMPUTER. FIGURING OUT VARIOUS TV REMOTES. EXPLAINING THINGS TO YOUR MOTHER. LISTEN-ING TO YOUR MOTHER EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU. FARTING. JUST KIDDING, FARTING IS FUN. SITTING INDIAN-STYLE. SMELLINGDELICIOUS FOOD THAT IS NOT YOURS. MATCHING SOCKS. COUNTING FRECKLES. WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS. MAN, THAT’SA LONG TRAIN. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’M GONNA GO A DIFFERENT WAY. STICKER BOOKS. FILLING OUT VARIOUS DOCUMENTS.WRITING THANK-YOU NOTES. SEEING HOW LONG YOU CAN HOLD YOUR BREATH. SINGING THE WRONG LYRICS. SPILLINGKETCHUP ON YOURSELF. LOSING YOUR CELL PHONE. PIGS. SPROUTS. FILING FILES IN FILING CABINETS. READING ENTIRE LISTS. SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 9
  10. SPORT IS THE BEST WAY TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY SPORT HERO ASTRONAUT QUALITIES OF MEN STRENGTH THAT OTHER MEN WISDOM WANT TO BE RESPECT PRESIDENT INTERNATIONALMAN OF MYSTERY SINGLE BRIANFROM NEXT DOOR source: 2012 Census SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 10
  11. SPORT PROVIDES MAN WITH AN EMOTIONAL OUTLET MAN NOT WATCHING SPORT MAN WATCHING SPORT ANGRY CONFIDENT DEPRESSED HAPPY ANGRY CONFIDENT DEPRESSED HAPPY IN LOVE BORED DETERMINED SHOCKED IN LOVE BORED DETERMINED SHOCKEDHYSTERICAL FRUSTRATED CONFUSED ???? HYSTERICAL FRUSTRATED CONFUSED ???? source: Extensive Emotional Testing SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT page 11
  12. The Geometric Beauty of Basketball SECTION IIBASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 12
  13. BASKETBALL IS COMPOSED OF PERFECT ELEMENTS BASKETS BALLS source: Baskets: The DocumentarySECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 13
  14. The basket has long been a cornerstone of human civilization MOSES’ BABY BASKET 1500 BC, ANCIENT EGYPT WWI PIGEON BASKETS 1871, FRANCE WOVEN BASKETS8000 BC, MESOPOTAMIA FIRST PICNIC BASKETS BASKETS.COM 1720, ROMANIA 1999, USA THE GOLDEN AGE OF BASKETS HANDLED BASKETS BICYCLE BASKETS NANOBASKETS 500 BC, DENMARK 1853, USA 2012, USA INTERWOVEN BASKETS FANCY BASKET CARBON ALLOY EGG BASKETS 1967, CANADA 4000 BC, ALSO MESOPOTAMIA PRESENTED TO PILGRIMS 1621, NEW ENGLAND source: Baskets: The Documentary SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 14
  15. BALLS HAVE captivated and influenced mankind EVER SINCE THE AZTECS FIRST WORSHIPPED THE SUN ROUND OBJECTS OF HISTORICAL NOTE • BasketballS • Sun • Earth • Moon • EyeballS • DEFENSIVE ARMADILLOS • donut holeS • snowballS • orangeS • atomS • bullet points source: Baskets: The DocumentarySECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 15
  16. FILLING AN EMPTY BASKET IS PSYCHOLOGICALLY FULFILLING EMPTY BASKET FULL BASKETHAPPINESS HAPPINESSFULFILLMENT FULFILLMENTA SENSE OF PLACE A SENSE OF PLACEIN THIS WORLD IN THIS WORLDAMIDST ALL AMIDST ALLTHE CHAOS THE CHAOS source: Baskets: The Documentary SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 16
  17. THE COMBINATION OF BASKETS AND BALLSRESULTED IN A NEW FORM OF PERFECTION BASKETS BASKETBALL BALLS source: Declassified NSA documentsSECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 17
  18. EVERY PART OF THE COURT satisfies AN ELEMENT OF MAN’S COMPLEX PSYCHE LOW BLOCKS Remind man of his FREE-THROW LINE childhood love of blocks Man has always loved free things HALF-COURT LINE Perfect distance for man to attempt low-percentage shot when alone in gym THREE-POINT LINE Gives short man purpose in tall man’s gameTHE PAINTMan has always preferredwatching paint topainting paint source: 1965 Basketball Handbook SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 18
  19. THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE GAME APPEAL TO MAN’S BASIC NEEDS 35 seconds 34.86 seconds COLLEGIATE SHOT CLOCK AVERAGE ATTENTION SPAN 120 seconds AVERAGE COMMERCIAL BREAK AVERAGE BATHROOM BREAK (#1) source: 1967 Basketball HandbookSECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 19
  20. THROWING THINGS is more fun than not throwing things THROWING NOT THROWINGFUN BALLS ROCKS BACHELOR PIES BEEHIVES PARTIES source: Tibetan scrolls SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 20
  21. THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN BASKETBALL ARE THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN SPORTS HIGH SKILL SLAM DUNK BUZZER BEATER R (BASKETBALL) DIFFICULT PUTT BOWLING A 300 (GOLF) (BOWLING) HAIL MARY PASS SLAM DUNK (FOOTBALL) (BASKETBALL) PERFECT GAME (BASEBALL) TRIPLE SIX DIVING HEADER BUZZER BEATER (DARTS) (SOCCER) (BASKETBALL)LAME BEACH VOLLEYBALL DIG (VOLLEYBALL) AWESOME GRAND SLAM (BASEBALL) EPIC SLOG (CRICKET) PASSATA SOTTO (FENCING) EQUESTRIAN BALK (EQUESTRIAN)(BASEBALL) LOW SKILL source: Extensive emotional testingSECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT page 21
  22. Man Carrying the Burden of March Madness SECTION IIINCAA® MARCH MADNESS® IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 22
  23. mad•ness´mæd nis (n.) 1. COLLEGE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT 2. INTENSE EXCITEMENT OR HILARITY 3. A SITUATION THAT SEEMS TO MAKE NO SENSE source: DictionarySECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 23
  24. When there are 67 games in 21 days, there is no time for anything besides basketball 4% WORK MARCH 18 THROUGH APRIL 8 6% FRISBEE 7% TALKING ABOUT WATCHING BASKETBALL 8% 66% DREAMING ABOUT WATCHING BASKETBALL WATCHING BASKETBALL 9% WATCHING BASKETBALL HIGHLIGHTS source: Survey of Brian in accountingSECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 24
  25. Every game of the tournament FEEDSman’s attraction to single elimination POPULAR FORMS OF SINGLE ELIMINATIONTOURNAMENTS DUELING GLADIATORS PIÑATAS source: Single Elimination, The Musical SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 25
  26. EVERYBODY IS DOING IT 40,000,000 BRACKETS FILLED OUT20,000,000 18 CHILDREN NAMEDPEOPLE WATCHING THE FINAL 10,300,000 AFTER SPORTS ANCHORS HOURS STREAMING GAME VIDEO source: The Internet SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 26
  27. NCAA® MARCH MADNESS® GENERATES LARGE AMOUNTS OF PEER PRESSURE WATCH NCAA TOURNAMENT BUY FIREWORKS PAY TAXES SHOP AT MALLSPEER PRESSURE AR V G AY CT R C N N B P L JU NO SE AP DE FE AU JA JU O M M source: 30-million sample survey SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 27
  28. the tournament prepares man for most March/April water-cooler TOPICS STEAK source: Water Cooler WeeklySECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 28
  29. March Madness elevates basketball to extreme cultural importance.NCAAMARCHMADNESS ROVER LANDING INTERNATIONAL ON MARS KAYAKING SUMMIT JIM GETTING PRESIDENTIAL A NEW GRILL INAUGURATIONCULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE source: Uncle Terry SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL page 29
  30. SECTION IVCONCLUSION page 30
  31. IF MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT AND BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT AND MARCH MADNESS IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL THENSECTION IV: CONCLUSION page 31
  32. MAN IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY POWERLESS AGAINST MARCH MADNESS MAN 100% AVERAGE ATTENTION SPAN POWERLESSSECTION IV: CONCLUSION page 32
  33. SO:• Warm up that laser pointer• Round up those bosses• And enjoy everything basketball page 33
  34. enjoy everything page 34

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