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How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts — Daniel Shapiro

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​Daniel Shapiro, Ph.D., is founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, associate professor in psychology at Harvard Medical School/McLean Hospital, and affiliate faculty at the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School.

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How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts — Daniel Shapiro

  1. 1. Powered by
  2. 2. This presentation consists of highlights from the interview with Moe Abdou, founder & host of 33voices®.
  3. 3. Daniel Shapiro, Ph.D., is founder and director of the Harvard International Ne- gotiation Program and a world-renowned expert on conflict resolution. From advising leaders of war-torn countries to working with senior executives and families in crisis, Dan has helped thousands of organizations and individu- als solve the problems that divide us. Drawing on these experiences and his practice-based research, he has developed a wealth of practical approaches to amplify influence and leadership—in business, in government, and in life. Daniel ShapiroFounder of the Harvard International Negotiation Program
  4. 4. The one thing that you bring to every negotiation is your IDENTITY: the way you see the world. It is also the single greatest barrier to conflict resolution, largely due to your inability to see beyond that perceived mindset. Insight #1
  5. 5. Insight #2 Conflict is less a binary concept — me versus you, us versus them — and more of a relational dynamic. Approaching that Space Between in a positive manner, and deliberately seeking to enlist positive emotion is the catalyst to reaching any type of alignment.
  6. 6. Insight #3 The three key dimensions of any conflict resolutions are:
  7. 7. Insight #3 The three key dimensions of any conflict resolutions are: Rationality - Can you find agreement that maximizes mutual gains - or at least satisfies your interests without worsening the other party?
  8. 8. Insight #3 The three key dimensions of any conflict resolutions are: Emotion - Can you regulate your own emotions while listening to what the other party is telling you?
  9. 9. Insight #3 The three key dimensions of any conflict resolutions are: Identity - Can you recognize the various identities the influence your behavior?
  10. 10. Insight #4 Winning negotiators opt not to change people’s minds. Instead, they change the subject. They focus on managing the tension in their mind’s eye away from self-interest, and more towards understanding and appreciating the other side’s perspective.
  11. 11. Insight #5 The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests — both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re likely to face one or more of these five lures:
  12. 12. Insight #5 The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests — both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re likely to face one or more of these five lures: Vertigo - The experience when you’re so engaged in a conflict that it consumes you.
  13. 13. Insight #5 The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests — both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re likely to face one or more of these five lures: Repetition compulsion - The habitual tendency to recreate the same conditions and dysfunctional patterns that lead to repeated conflicts.
  14. 14. Insight #5 The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests — both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re likely to face one or more of these five lures: Taboos - The social prohibitions that impact your behavior.
  15. 15. Insight #5 The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests — both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re likely to face one or more of these five lures: Assault on the sacred - The perception that others can’t attack what is so deeply meaningful to you.
  16. 16. Insight #5 The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests — both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re likely to face one or more of these five lures: Identity politics - The understanding that your identity can be as much of a liability as it is an asset.
  17. 17. Insight #6 Effective negotiations begins with a belief that a conflict is negotiable. Only then do you open yourself to opportunities for connecting with the other side and finding creative pathways to resolution.
  18. 18. Insight #7 Vertigo is the trickiest of psychological lures for it not only consumes your emotional energies, it can hijack your psyche. Guard against it by:
  19. 19. Insight #7 Vertigo is the trickiest of psychological lures for it not only consumes your emotional energies, it can hijack your psyche. Guard against it by: First Acknowledging its symptoms
  20. 20. Insight #7 Vertigo is the trickiest of psychological lures for it not only consumes your emotional energies, it can hijack your psyche. Guard against it by: Jolting yourself back to a more collaborative mindset
  21. 21. Insight #8 Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE:
  22. 22. Insight #8 Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE: Beliefs - Knows what he’s willing to die for
  23. 23. Insight #8 Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE: Rituals - Knows the things that he holds sacred
  24. 24. Insight #8 Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE: Allegiances - Knows who he is most loyal too and vice versa
  25. 25. Insight #8 Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE: Values - Knows and lives his deepest values
  26. 26. Insight #8 Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE: Emotionally meaningful experiences - Knows the deeply meaningful experiences that defines him.
  27. 27. Insight #9 It’s wise to remember that at any given moment during a negotiation, each of us has competing tensions within our own minds. Part of true self-awareness is to recognize and rise above those complexities towards a more common state.
  28. 28. Insight #10 Negotiating Tip | The most important thing you can do to prepare for an important Negotiation is the ROLE REVERSAL EXERCISE! Enlist a friend or colleague, grab an empty chair and vividly imagine being the other party as you’re being asked the questions that are most likely going through their minds.
  29. 29. Reflect - Can you recognize a particular and recurring pattern of behavior that often leads to conflict? tweet us!
  30. 30. Get the book
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