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created & written by RYAN How To Suck at Marketing

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created & written by RYAN How To Suck at Marketing

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Description

created & written by


RYAN
BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT


BROWN
HUBSPOT

Transcript

  1. OW K TO C H SM U ARKETI AT NG .
  2. are you Yes. partying marketing No. like it’s 1999?
  3. if Yes. you are definitely…
  4. and…
  5. YOUR MARKETING SUCKS.
  6. ? not sure if you are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices?
  7. here’s a helpful guide on…
  8. OW K TO C H SM U ARKETI AT NG .
  9. call people randomly and ask them to buy your stuff.
  10. PRO TIP: or call during dinner time when they least expect it.
  11. if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up.
  12. if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up. (say it confidently like you do)
  13. send unsolicited emails to people who have never heard of your company before.
  14. (and ask them to buy your stuff)
  15. PRO TIP: if you feel like you need more random people to spam, rent or buy additional contact lists.
  16. PRO TIP #2: be persistent. email or call with great frequency.
  17. PRO TIP #2: be persistent. email or call with great frequency. (asking to buy your stuff)
  18. do not invest in sophisticated marketing software.
  19. do not invest in sophisticated marketing software. INSTEAD…
  20. Personalize your marketing emails with great salutations like these:
  21. Dear Sir or Madam
  22. To Whom it May Concern
  23. Our Valued Customer
  24. Hi Friend
  25. Greetings Earthling
  26. PRO TIP: send your entire contact list the same email marketing message.
  27. PRO TIP: send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff)
  28. PRO TIP: send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff) BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.
  29. PRO TIP #2: don’t waste time worrying about you’re grammar or speling.
  30. spend time on the following…
  31. stuffing as many keywords into your website as possible.
  32. buying expensive booths at trade shows.
  33. sending more direct mail to random people. (about buying your stuff, duh)
  34. and if you still have extra time…
  35. go door to door to try and get people to buy your stuff.
  36. PRO TIP: say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product.
  37. PRO TIP: say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)
  38. PRO TIP: say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at your company will need to figure it out)
  39. think of yourself as a marketing hero among ordinary men. (or women)
  40. you know better than your customers, prospects, and sales team: DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
  41. show how awesome you are that you don’t need to A/B test any of your emails, landing pages, or calls-to- action.
  42. make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too.
  43. make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are.
  44. make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are. always.
  45. WARNING! DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING:
  46. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
  47. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing
  48. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database
  49. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database 4.  attempt thought leadership
  50. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database 4.  attempt thought leadership 5.  attend educational conferences or seminars
  51. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database 4.  attempt thought leadership 5.  attend educational conferences or seminars 6.  embrace inbound marketing
  52. IT’S STRONGLY RECOMMENDED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:
  53. DO 1.  use lots of marketing jargon
  54. DO 1.  use lots of marketing jargon 2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements
  55. DO 1.  use lots of marketing jargon 2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements 3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials
  56. DO 1.  use lots of marketing jargon 2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements 3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials 4.  lots of outbound marketing
  57. curious to know if Yes. your marketing SUCKS? No. (or how awesome it is?)
  58. Yes. No.
  59. good.
  60. get a detailed online marketing report. it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)
  61. MARKETING .GRADER .COM
  62. created & written by RYAN BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT BROWN HUBSPOT

Description

created & written by


RYAN
BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT


BROWN
HUBSPOT

Transcript

  1. OW K TO C H SM U ARKETI AT NG .
  2. are you Yes. partying marketing No. like it’s 1999?
  3. if Yes. you are definitely…
  4. and…
  5. YOUR MARKETING SUCKS.
  6. ? not sure if you are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices?
  7. here’s a helpful guide on…
  8. OW K TO C H SM U ARKETI AT NG .
  9. call people randomly and ask them to buy your stuff.
  10. PRO TIP: or call during dinner time when they least expect it.
  11. if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up.
  12. if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up. (say it confidently like you do)
  13. send unsolicited emails to people who have never heard of your company before.
  14. (and ask them to buy your stuff)
  15. PRO TIP: if you feel like you need more random people to spam, rent or buy additional contact lists.
  16. PRO TIP #2: be persistent. email or call with great frequency.
  17. PRO TIP #2: be persistent. email or call with great frequency. (asking to buy your stuff)
  18. do not invest in sophisticated marketing software.
  19. do not invest in sophisticated marketing software. INSTEAD…
  20. Personalize your marketing emails with great salutations like these:
  21. Dear Sir or Madam
  22. To Whom it May Concern
  23. Our Valued Customer
  24. Hi Friend
  25. Greetings Earthling
  26. PRO TIP: send your entire contact list the same email marketing message.
  27. PRO TIP: send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff)
  28. PRO TIP: send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff) BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.
  29. PRO TIP #2: don’t waste time worrying about you’re grammar or speling.
  30. spend time on the following…
  31. stuffing as many keywords into your website as possible.
  32. buying expensive booths at trade shows.
  33. sending more direct mail to random people. (about buying your stuff, duh)
  34. and if you still have extra time…
  35. go door to door to try and get people to buy your stuff.
  36. PRO TIP: say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product.
  37. PRO TIP: say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)
  38. PRO TIP: say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at your company will need to figure it out)
  39. think of yourself as a marketing hero among ordinary men. (or women)
  40. you know better than your customers, prospects, and sales team: DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
  41. show how awesome you are that you don’t need to A/B test any of your emails, landing pages, or calls-to- action.
  42. make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too.
  43. make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are.
  44. make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are. always.
  45. WARNING! DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING:
  46. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
  47. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing
  48. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database
  49. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database 4.  attempt thought leadership
  50. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database 4.  attempt thought leadership 5.  attend educational conferences or seminars
  51. DO NOT 1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database 4.  attempt thought leadership 5.  attend educational conferences or seminars 6.  embrace inbound marketing
  52. IT’S STRONGLY RECOMMENDED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:
  53. DO 1.  use lots of marketing jargon
  54. DO 1.  use lots of marketing jargon 2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements
  55. DO 1.  use lots of marketing jargon 2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements 3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials
  56. DO 1.  use lots of marketing jargon 2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements 3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials 4.  lots of outbound marketing
  57. curious to know if Yes. your marketing SUCKS? No. (or how awesome it is?)
  58. Yes. No.
  59. good.
  60. get a detailed online marketing report. it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)
  61. MARKETING .GRADER .COM
  62. created & written by RYAN BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT BROWN HUBSPOT

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