OW K TO C H
SM U ARKETI AT NG .

are you Yes. partying marketing
No. like it’s 1999?

if
Yes.
you are
definitely…

and…

YOUR
MARKETING
SUCKS.

? not sure if you
are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices?

here’s a helpful guide on…

OW K TO C H
SM U ARKETI AT NG .

call people randomly and ask
them to buy your stuff.

PRO TIP: or call during
dinner time when they least expect it.

if you don’t know how
to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up.

if you don’t know how
to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up. (say it confidently like you do)

send unsolicited emails to people
who have never heard of your company before.

(and ask them to buy
your stuff)

PRO TIP: if you feel
like you need more random people to spam, rent or buy additional contact lists.

PRO TIP #2: be persistent.
email or call with great frequency.

PRO TIP #2: be persistent.
email or call with great frequency. (asking to buy your stuff)

do not invest in sophisticated
marketing software.

do not invest in sophisticated
marketing software. INSTEAD…

Personalize your marketing emails with
great salutations like these:

Dear Sir or Madam

To Whom it May Concern

Our Valued Customer

Hi Friend

Greetings Earthling

PRO TIP: send your entire
contact list the same email marketing message.

PRO TIP: send your entire
contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff)

PRO TIP: send your entire
contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff) BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.

PRO TIP #2: don’t waste
time worrying about you’re grammar or speling.

spend time
on the
following…

stuffing as many keywords into
your website as possible.

buying expensive booths at trade
shows.

sending more direct mail to
random people. (about buying your stuff, duh)

and if you still have
extra time…

go door to door to
try and get people to buy your stuff.

PRO TIP: say whatever it
takes to convince people to buy your product.

PRO TIP: say whatever it
takes to convince people to buy your product. (even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)

PRO TIP: say whatever it
takes to convince people to buy your product. (this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at your company will need to figure it out)

think of yourself as a
marketing hero among ordinary men. (or women)

you know better than your
customers, prospects, and sales team: DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.

show how awesome you are
that you don’t need to A/B test any of your emails, landing pages, or calls-to- action.

make sure everyone knows how
awesome your company is, too.

make sure everyone knows how
awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are.

make sure everyone knows how
awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are. always.

WARNING! DO NOT DO THE
FOLLOWING:

DO NOT 1. track your
marketing ROI (or use any analytics)

DO NOT 1. track your
marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing

DO NOT 1. track your
marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database

DO NOT 1. track your
marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database 4. attempt thought leadership

DO NOT 1. track your
marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database 4. attempt thought leadership 5. attend educational conferences or seminars

DO NOT 1. track your
marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database 4. attempt thought leadership 5. attend educational conferences or seminars 6. embrace inbound marketing

IT’S STRONGLY RECOMMENDED TO DO
THE FOLLOWING:

DO 1. use lots of
marketing jargon

DO 1. use lots of
marketing jargon 2. purchase online pop-up advertisements

DO 1. use lots of
marketing jargon 2. purchase online pop-up advertisements 3. raise the volume of your TV commercials

DO 1. use lots of
marketing jargon 2. purchase online pop-up advertisements 3. raise the volume of your TV commercials 4. lots of outbound marketing

curious to know if Yes.
your marketing SUCKS? No. (or how awesome it is?)

Yes.
No.

good.

get a detailed online marketing
report. it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)

MARKETING
.GRADER
.COM

created & written by RYAN
BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT BROWN HUBSPOT