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Islamic Parenting Basics

Islamic Parenting Basics by Dr. Kanwal Kaisser

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Islamic Parenting Basics

  1. 1. Understanding Parenting Dr. Kanwal
  2. 2. • Goals: _____________________ • Desires: ____________________ What tends to be your goals or desires in parenting?
  3. 3. Answers: • ___________________________ • ___________________________ What are your greatest struggles in parenting?
  4. 4. Parenting Focus ‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫ممم‬‫م‬ ‫مممو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫ممو م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫مم‬‫م‬ ‫مم‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫ممو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬ ‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬ ‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫مم‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫ممو‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬ (At- Tahrim:6) "O, Believers Save yourselves and your dependents from the fire whose fuel are humans and the stones. over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the
  5. 5. Nature of Child Abu Hurairah reported Allah's Messenger ‫و م‬ as saying: No child is born but upon Fitra. He then said. Recite: The nature made by Allah in which He created man, there is no altering of Allah's nature; that is the right religion.” (Muslim)
  6. 6. Long Term Investment Prophet ‫و م‬said: “When the son of Adam dies, all his actions have ceased except [three, a continuing charity, beneficial knowledge and] a righteous child who prays for their parent.” (Bukhari, Muslim)
  7. 7. What has changed? Fast paced lives, consumerism and social change..... • Pressure to buy “stuff” • Parenting competition • Social alienation • Less home time • Less human interaction • More virtual worlds • More curriculum driven education
  8. 8. What has disappeared? • Gentle touch and games • Story time • Being “present” not just in the room • Playing real hands on games • Games in the car • Human conversation with real people • Simple toys that don’t cost money • Less parent direction
  9. 9. Define Parenting Process of care taking, educating from which you help your child grow from dependent to independent adult
  10. 10. Our common Errors • Static Behavior • Roles in family not defined • Future targets vague • All running after instant gratification • No execution plan
  11. 11. Lost Generations and their Dilemma ‫ااا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬ ‫ااا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬  ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ But after them there followed a posterity who missed prayers and followed after lusts soon, then, will they face Destruction (Surah Maryam:59)
  12. 12. Fact Sheet In the primary age range, the impact on achievement of different levels of parental involvement is bigger than differences associated with variations in the quality of schools. Home influence is powerful because it is enduring, pervasive and direct. Children absorb enthusiasm and a positive attitude towards learning from their relationships with adults at home. A parent who feels it is his or her role and believes they can make a difference, models positive interest in learning. Research by Desforges and Abouchaar 2003
  13. 13. Focus of a Muslim ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ And this was the legacy that Abraham left to his sons, and so did Jacob; "Oh my sons! Allah hath chosen the Faith for you; then die not except in the Faith of Islam.” (Al-Baqarah: 132)
  14. 14. What fears do to us? • Great expectations: I'm afraid my child won't get the education and opportunities she needs to reach her potential. • Stranger danger: I'm afraid someone will hurt or attack my child. • Bullying: I'm afraid my child won't fit in socially or will get picked on. • Peer Pressure: I’m afraid they would get mixed up with the wrong crowd, get into trouble.
  15. 15. Are you prepared? ‫اا‬ ‫ا‬ ‫اااا‬ ‫اا‬ ‫ا‬ ‫ااا‬ ‫اا‬ ‫ا‬ ‫اااا‬ Who is your Lord ? What is your religion ? What do you have to say about this person ? ‫ااااا‬ ‫ا‬ ‫اااا‬ ‫ااا‬ ‫اااا‬ ‫ااااا‬ ‫ا‬ ‫ااااااا‬ ‫اااااا‬ ‫اااا‬ Allah is my Lord Islam is my religion Rasoolullah Salla Allahu ta'ala 'alayhi wa Sallam (He is the Messenger of Almighty Allah
  16. 16. Activity How to prepare children for these three questions?
  17. 17. Parenting Styles and Outcomes We know that the way children are parented when they are young influences the type of people they become. How? Why?
  18. 18. Authoritarian: Limits without Freedom Definition: Parents’ word is law, parents have absolute control. • Misconduct is punished • Affection and praise are rarely give • Parents try to control children's’ behavior and attitudes • They value unquestioned obedience • Children are told what to do, how to do it, and where to do it, and when to do it.
  19. 19. Outcomes of Authoritarian Style •Obedient •Distrustful •Discontent •Withdrawn •Unhappy •Hostile •Not High Achievers •Often Rebel •Children are often prevented from making a conscious choice about particular behavior because they are overly concerned about what their parents will do. ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫ح‬‫ننن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫ح‬‫نن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫ح ح‬ ‫ننح‬‫ن‬ ‫ح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬ ‫نن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ح ح ن‬‫ن‬ (Ale-Imran: 159)
  20. 20. Permissive: Freedom without limits Definition: Parents allow their children to do their own thing. • Little respect for order and routine. • Parents make few demands on children. • Discipline is lax • Parents are resources rather than standard makers • Rarely punish • Non controlling, non-demanding • Usually warm • Children walk all over the parents
  21. 21. Outcome of Permissive Parenting •Aggressive •Least self- controlled •Least exploratory •Most unhappy •Children from permissive homes receive so little guidance that they often become uncertain and anxious about whether they are doing the right thing.
  22. 22. Authoritative: Freedom within limits. Definition: Middle ground between the two above • Stress freedom along with rights of others and responsibilities of all • Parents set limits and enforce rules • Willing to listen receptively to child’s requests and questions. • Both loves and limits • Children contribute to discussion of issues and make some of their own decisions • Exert firm control when necessary, but explain reasoning behind it. • Respect children’s interest, opinions, unique personalities. • Loving, consistent, demanding • Reasonable expectations and realistic standards.
  23. 23. Outcomes of Authoritative Style •Happy •Mostly self- controlled •Content, friendly, generous •Cooperative •High-achiever‘ •Children, learn how to formulate goals. They also experience the satisfaction that comes from meeting responsibilities and achieving success. ‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ةا ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة ة‬‫ ة‬ ‫ ةا‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة ة‬‫ ةا ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ةا ة‬‫ ة ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ةا ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ةا ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬ ‫ا ا‬)al-Nahl: 125(
  24. 24. Assess your parenting style
  25. 25. Summery of Parenting Styles
  26. 26. Assess your Parenting Style-1
  27. 27. Assess your Parenting Style-2
  28. 28. Score Yourself
  29. 29. Roughhouses with children; plays louder Encourage competition Do not modify language for the child’s sake Talk is brief, direct, and to the point, with subtle body language and facial expressions Help children prepare for harshness and reality of the real world Gentle with children; plays quieter Encourage equity Simplifies words and talks on child’s level Talk is more descriptive, personal, expressive of feelings, and verbally encouraging Help protect children from the real world Fathers: Mothers: Parenting styles……
  30. 30. Model traits of men and how to treat women Encourage children to take chances, push limits Stress justice, fairness, and duty Encourages independence from family Teaches a sense of right and wrong with discipline Model traits of women and how to treat men Encourages caution and protection of self Stress sympathy, care, and help Encourages security in the family Teaches a sense of hopefulness with discipline Fathers: Mothers: Parenting styles……
  31. 31. 1. Children learn about our values through daily interactions with us. 2. Children learn through our example. 3. Children learn through the values we strive toward. 4. Children learn values through the way we do things as a class team. 5. Children learn values and beliefs through their exposure to the larger world. 6. Children learn values through our explanations of the world.
  32. 32. Understand your child • Need to belong • Seek Attention • Sharp Observation • Reaction to obstacles There is a mass of research to demonstrate that the more touch a child gets in childhood, the calmer and less fearful he is likely to be in adulthood....
  33. 33. Link child to Allah Ta’ala • Raise according to Quran and Sunnah • Be right role model • Provide Islamic environment • Paint right picture of Allah Ta’ala • Stories of Rasulillah (SAW) and Sahabah • Ultimate Authority is Allah Ta’ala ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫وو‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫وو‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫وو‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬‫وو‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ووي‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬ ‫و‬‫و‬‫وو‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫وو‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬ ‫ي‬‫وو‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫ووو‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬ (Luqman: 13)
  34. 34. •Dads spend 8 minutes, •Working mothers spend 11 minutes, •Stay-at-home moms spend less than 30 minutes Nearly 20 percent of students in grades 6 through 12 report that they have not had a 10-minute conversation with at least one of their parents in more than a month. Family time…..Each day
  35. 35. Teach them respect ‘The one who does not have mercy on our younger ones, and does not show respect to elders is not from among us. ‘ (Bukhari) • Respect vs Disrespect • Role Model respect • Polite manners
  36. 36. Activity Describe all parenting styles for following situations: 3. Your child's room is a mess. 4. It is time for your child to come home, but he/she is in the middle of a project and wants to finish it first. 5. Your son came in later than he was supposed to with a worried look on his face. 6. Your daughter came home from the store with a candy bar that was not hers. ....................................................................................................................................... PERMISSIVE: For each of the following situations, you must decide how you, as parents, will handle it. Write your answers on a sheet of paper so you can report them to the class. 1. It is bedtime and the children do not want to go to bed. 2. Your child broke a favorite toy. 3. Your child's room is a mess. 4. It is time for your child to come home, but he/shels-in the middle of a project and wants to finish it first. 5. Your son came in later than he was supposed to with a worried look on his face. ,. 6. Your daughter came home from the store with a candy bar that was not hers. ....................................................................................................................................... DEMOCRATIC: For each of the following situations, you must decide how you, as parents, will handle it. Write your answers on a sheet of paper so you can report them to the class.
  37. 37. “I love you Dad” A man was polishing his new car; his 4 yr old daughter picked up a stone and scratched on the side of the car. In anger, the furious Man took his child’s hand & hit it many times, not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw her father, with painful eyes he asked ‘Dad when will my fingers grow back?’ The man was so hurt and speechless. He went back to the car and kicked it many times. Devastated by his own actions, sitting in front of the car he looked at the scratches, His daughter had written ‘LOVE YOU DAD’.
  38. 38. To get in touch….. Facebook: Dr. Kanwal Kaisser Twitter: Dr. Kanwal Kaisser @HamarayBachchay