DIALECTS I n s t r u c t o r : M r. Tu n g Nguyen Class: 4BPD Group: 7 Group members: L ý N g ọ c Tr à A n Ngô Hương Giang Tr ầ n N h ư H ạ n h Tr ầ n T h ị M ỹ H ạ n h Phạm Thị Hồng Thắm Nguyễn Thị Thảo Tiên
AUTONOMY-CONNECTION Autonomy = desire to do things independent of your partner. Connection = desire to link your actions and decisions with your partner. Autonomy -Connection = desire to have ties and connections with others versus the need to separate yourself as a unique individual.
EXAMPLE 1As an athlete, Zack wants to feel a part of a team but he also wants to highlight his individual talents.
EXAMPLE 2 Joel and Shelly have been dating for about a year. Shelly wants to spend most of her free time with Joel and enjoys talking with Joel before acting or making decisions, but Joel has begun to feel hemmed in. Shelly is at peace and may not recognize any tension between autonomy and connection. On the other hand, Joel is feeling the tension between wanting to be more autonomous without jeopardizing his connection to Shelly. If Joel begins to act autonomously, he may relieve his own tension but at the same time create tension in the relationship.
EXAMPLE 3 Jasmine doesn’t need to be with her husband when there is work to do, whether it is around the house, running errands, or actually going to work. She wants to be alone. She can work all day, be on her own doing it, and it is something she doesn’t need her husband to be there for her with. When they are with family, friends being on vacation, planning activities and trips she wants her husband by her side and for them to do everything together. He wants to be autonomous when it comes to watching sports, and wants her with him when they are out with friends.
In any relationship, verbal revelation and concealment act as critical gatekeepers in moving a relationship to greater or lesser intimacy.Verbal self-disclosure often follows a trust-risk dilemma. To trust someone, you have to be willing to take some risks to share some unique information about yourself.
EXAMPLEYou have just known a newfriend and you really want toshare more information aboutyourself with her because youwant to get closer to her.You have to take risk to shareabout your unique informationin order to let her know moreabout you. However, you alsoworry that she will betray youthe exclusive information youhave just shared. Therefore, itarises the trust- risk dilemma –to tell or not to tell.
OPENESSOpenness is the desire to share intimate ideasand feelings with your partner.Openness refers to thedisclosure of informationconcerning the different facetsof the public self(e.g., interest, hobbies, politicalopinions, career aspirations)and/or the private self(e.g., deep familyissues, identity, self-imageand self-esteem issues).
CLOSEDNESSClosedness is the desire to maintain privacy.Closedness refers to the lack ofdisclosure or sharing of exclusiveinformation about either the publicself or the private self. The termpublic self refers to those facets ofthe person that are readily availableand are easily shared with others,the term private self refers to thosefacets of the person that arepotentially communicable but arenot usually shared with others.
Self-disclosure is one of the key factors in developing a personalized relationship in any culture or ethic group. Self-disclosure is the deliberate process of revealing significant information about oneself that would not normally be known.
The breadth of self-disclosure refers to the number of topics a person is willing to share with others. For instance, when two friends meet for drinks or a meal, the number of topics is typically large. Issues can range from travel plans, to dating experiences, to school and work updates.
The depth of self-disclosure refers to the level of intimacyor emotional vulnerability a person is willing to reveal inher or his conversation exchange process. Forexample, when two close friends talk about theirinterracial dating experiences, the depth of disclosureusually consists of intimate details, the high and lowpoints, concerns, frustrations, family reactions, andexhilaration points.
Therefore, you may also converse on similar topics with acquantances or coworkers but really go to more deep and intimate levels – revealing your fears, worries, pride or joy – with selective friends
Novelty: desire for originality freshness uniquenessPredictability: desire for consistency reliability dependability
Shelly and Joel much of thehave been uncertainty => is gone from theirdating for a year relationship
But they do not want to eliminate uncertainty altogether. With no uncertainty at all, a relationship becomes so predictable and so routine that it is boring.
Although Shelly and Joel know each other well, can predict much about each other, and have quite a few routines in their relationship, they also want to be surprised and have new experiences with each other.They each need some amount of both novelty and predictability in the relationship.
Dialectical tensions exist in allrelationships — not just romantic ones— and they are always in flux.
It’s nice that we always have amovie date on Saturdays(predictability), but may be weshould change things uptonight (novelty).
Successfully negotiating the predictability - novelty tension is important because boredom is one of the top reasons couples break up.Sometimes these dialectical tensions are active and in the foreground; at other times they are in the background. Nevertheless, when these tension are experienced, they change what is happening in the relationship (Wood, 2000).
A. CYCLIC ALTERNATION Cyclic alternation is strategy for coping with dialectic tensions in a relationship that allows us to isolate separate arenas, such as work and home, for using each pole in the opposition .
For instance, if Eileen discloses a great deal with her mother when she is in high school and then keep much more information private from her mother when she goes to college, she is engaging in cyclic alternation.By sometimes being open and other times keeping silent, cyclic alternation allows Eileen to satisfy both goals.
SEGMENTATION Segmentation allows people to isolate separate arenas for using privacy and openness .
For example, if Mac Thomas works in a business with his father, Joe, they may not disclose to one another at work but do so when they are together in a family setting.
SELECTIONSelection means that you choose one of the opposites and ignore your need for the other .
For instance, Rosie might decide that disclosing to her friend, Tina, isn’t working.Tina fails to be empathic and has occasionally told something Rosie told her in confidence to another friend.Rosie can use selection and simply stop disclosing to Tina altogether, making their relationship less open but less stressful .
DISQUALIFYING Disqualifying allows people to cope with tensions by exempting certain issues from the general pattern .
C. NEUTRALIZATION Relationship problems are another type of "stress" we all experience from time to time. Conflicts can arise with our spouse, parents, children, friends, co - workers, employees, bosses, or even with total strangers.
1. HOW TO DEAL WITH RELATIONSHIP STRESSHow To Deal With Relationship Problems Step 1: DEFINE YOUR PROBLEM (S) SPECIF ICALLY --i .e. "My husband never talks to me," "My boss hates my guts," "I cant stand to be around X for more than two minutes," or "Im in love with Y, but he/she isnt interested in me." Step 2: RELATE TO EACH OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM S AS FEEDBACK --i .e. assume you are par tly the cause of the problem. Step 3: IDENTIF Y THE SPECIF IC CONVERSATIONS AND ACTION PATTERNS within you that are causing your relationship problems to occur or per sist. Step 4: REMIND YOURSELF that these hidden patterns EXIST IN YOUR BODY, not your mind. Step 5: TAKE ACTION TO NEUTRALIZE THESE HIDDE N CAUSES --i .e. challenge your stress -producing conver sati ons; disrupt your automatic behavior patterns; create relationship - enhancing contexts. Step 6: If your relationship problems dont improve, REPEAT STEPS 1 -5 AND/OR GET COACHING.
2. RELATIONSHIP-DESTROYING PATTERNS Many of us assume that our relationships should just work out by virtue of our inherent goodness and kindness. Our thinking goes something like this: "Human beings are naturally loving, caring, committed individuals who only need to find the right kind of partner to live happily ever after."
To succeed in our relationships, therefore, we must learn to recognize and deal with the hidden relationship -destroying patterns within us. Not only must we know how to deal with these patterns in ourselves, but we must also know how to deal with similar patterns in other people as well. We have already discussed several of these patterns. Take the issue of control, for instance. Much of our relationship stress comes from our conscious and unconscious ef forts to change or control other people. We want others to behave in certain ways, and when we cant get them to, we become angry and resentful. The more we try to change them and fail, the more angry, frustrated, and depressed we are likely to become. We are also very critical and judgmental of other people. Internal conversations such as GOOD/BAD, RIGHT/WRONG, CAUSE/EFFECT, AND PERFECTIONISM commonly contribute to our interpersonal problems.
D. REFRAMING RELATIONSHIPS No doubt one of the most complicated aspects of our existence comes from trying to be authentic while we interact with other people. Reframing relationships is a very dif ficult task. Intimate relationships can experience every emotion associated with frigidity, abandonment, betrayal as well as bazaar rituals and appetites
Equally there are challenges that arise with people in every social group from our religious gatherings to our work environment.If we are to reframe how we view others, every moment of every day we must remain alert to one truth – ―I am the diamond and others are the polishing agents.‖ Others will not realize the role we have assigned to them but they will serve us once we have chosen to view everyone as our personal polishing agent. The harsher the abrasive, the brighter we will shine.