Book Report : In Sheeps Clothing

Freddy Atton
Freddy AttonInstructional Designer at BroadVision
In Sheep’s Clothing,[object Object],Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleAuthor: George K. Simon Jr.,[object Object]
The Nature of Human Aggression,[object Object],Our instinct to fight is a close cousin of our survival instinct,[object Object],The urge to fight is fundamental and instinctual,[object Object],We forcefully strive to assert a sense of social superiority,[object Object],Fighting for personal and social advantage, we jockey with one another for power, prestige and social circle “niche”,[object Object],Assertive behavior is one of the most necessary and healthy human behaviors,[object Object],When we fight unnecessarily or with little concern about how others are being affected, our behavior is most appropriately labeled aggressive,[object Object],Covert aggression, is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.,[object Object]
Covert and Passive Aggression,[object Object],Both are indirect ways to aggress,[object Object],They are not the same thing,[object Object]
Passive Aggression,[object Object],Aggressing through Passivity,[object Object],Silent treatment,[object Object],Forgetting,[object Object]
Covert Aggression,[object Object],Very active aggression,[object Object],Yet also veiled,[object Object],The heart of manipulation,[object Object]
Recognizing Aggressive Agendas,[object Object],Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with you is fundamental,[object Object],Don’t analyze the situation to death,[object Object],Simply respond to the attack,[object Object],Learn to perceive the core reality of the situation,[object Object]
The Process of Manipulation,[object Object],Manipulative aggression is not obvious,[object Object],The tactics are deception techniques that are difficult to recognize as clever ploys,[object Object],Keep the victim unconsciously on the defensive,[object Object],Exploit weaknesses and insecurities,[object Object],For example; Guilt,[object Object],Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves,[object Object],Our lack of self-awareness can set us up to be exploited,[object Object],Our gut tells us that we are dealing with a ruthless conniver  - but our head doesn’t believe it at the time,[object Object]
Personality,[object Object],An individual’s personality can be defined by the way he or she habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large,[object Object],An interactive “style” to get the things they want in life,[object Object],The Greek word “Persona” means Mask,[object Object],The social façade or mask a person wears to hide their true self,[object Object]
Character,[object Object],Aspects of an individual’s personality that reflect the extent to which they have developed personal integrity and commitment to responsible social conduct,[object Object],People of sound character;,[object Object],Temper their instinctual drives,[object Object],Moderate important aspects of their conduct,[object Object],Discipline their aggressive tendencies in the service of the greater social good,[object Object]
Personality : Neurotic,[object Object],Suffer from an overactive conscience,[object Object],Afraid to seek satisfaction of their needs,[object Object],An excessive capacity for guilt or shame,[object Object],Anxiety fuels symptoms of distress,[object Object],Defense mechanisms are used to protect themselves from emotional pain,[object Object],Fear of social rejection results in a “social mask” to hide the true self,[object Object],Often voluntarily seek psychological help to alleviate distress,[object Object],Low self-esteem,[object Object],Hypersensitive to social rejection,[object Object],Often benefit from increased self-awareness and insight oriented therapy (self help stuff),[object Object]
Civilized Society = Neurosis,[object Object],Civilization is the cause of neurosis,[object Object],We cause pain to others via sex or aggression,[object Object],Society condemns indiscriminate sex or aggressive conduct,[object Object],People who internalize societies prohibitions pay a price for their self-restraint,[object Object],The willingness to restrain sexual or aggressive urges makes civilization possible,[object Object],Rare is the person who owns and freely disciplines their basic instincts, thereby transcending all neurosis,[object Object],It is our capacity for neurosis that keeps us civilized,[object Object],Moderately neurotic individuals are the backbone of our society,[object Object]
Personality : Character Disordered,[object Object],Lack self-restraint when it comes to acting upon their primal urges,[object Object],They are not bothered enough by what they do,[object Object],Very little conscience,[object Object],Lack sufficient apprehension or anxiety for the consequences of their actions,[object Object],Diminished capacity for experiencing shame or guilt,[object Object],What appears to be a neurotic defense mechanism is often a power tactic to manipulate others or resist conforming to societal demands,[object Object],They like who they are and are comfortable with their behavior patterns even though how they act bothers others a lot,[object Object],They rarely seek help on their own. They are usually pressured by others into therapy.,[object Object],Inflated self-esteem,[object Object],Undeterred by adverse consequences or societal condemnation.,[object Object],Problematic behavior patters may be habitual and automatic, but they are also conscious and deliberate.,[object Object],Despite plenty of insight and awareness, they resist changing attitudes and beliefs.,[object Object],They don’t think the way most of us do. They are “alien” in nature.,[object Object]
Neurotics vs. Character Disordered,[object Object],In a civilized society, character disordered individuals are more problematic than neurotics,[object Object],Neurotics cause problems for themselves,[object Object],Character disordered cause problems for others,[object Object],If a person is making himself miserable he is neurotic,[object Object],If a  person is making others miserable, he is character disordered,[object Object],Submissive personalities are generally neurotic,[object Object],Aggressive personalities are generally character disordered,[object Object]
Character Disordered Think Patterns,[object Object],Self Centered / Selfish / Inconsiderate,[object Object],No consideration for the negative impact of their actions on others.,[object Object],Disregard for social obligation,[object Object],Possessive,[object Object],Thinking of people as possessions or objects,[object Object],Attitudes of ownership and entitlement,[object Object],Extreme “all or nothing”,[object Object],Prevents a sense of balance or moderation,[object Object],Promotes an uncompromising attitude,[object Object],Egomaniacal,[object Object],Overvalues himself,[object Object],Believes things are owed him,[object Object],Attitudes of superiority, arrogance, entitlement,[object Object],Shameless,[object Object],Doesn’t care how his behavior reflects on him as a character,[object Object],Embarrassed if someone exposes his true character, but not ashamed,[object Object],Quick and Easy,[object Object],Always wants things the easy way,[object Object],Gets more joy out of conning people (the hustle),[object Object],Disdain for labor or effort,[object Object],Guiltless,[object Object],Never considers  the right or wrongness of a behavior before acting,[object Object],Takes whatever he wants no matter what social norm is violated,[object Object],Irresponsible and anti-social,[object Object]
Personality : Submissive,[object Object],Afraid to take a stand,[object Object],Habitually and excessively retreats from potential conflicts,[object Object],Runs from challenges, denying themselves opportunities to experience growth and success,[object Object],Synonym : “Passive-Dependent”,[object Object],Overly dependent upon others to do their fighting for them.,[object Object],Feeling inadequate, they submit to the will of those they view as more powerful or more capable than themselves.,[object Object]
Personality : Aggressive,[object Object],Overly prone to fight in any potential conflict,[object Object],Main objective in life is “winning”,[object Object],Pursue “the win” with considerable passion,[object Object],Forcefully strive to crush barriers to what they want,[object Object],Uninhibited by the threat of punishment or the pangs of conscience,[object Object],Always strive to be on top and in control,[object Object],Accept challenges readily,[object Object],They tend to be overly self-reliant and emotionally independent,[object Object],Resist depending on the support of others,[object Object],Ambitious power seekers,[object Object],Unscrupulous when they acquire power,[object Object],All of the aggressive sub-personalities  have characteristics in common with narcissistic personalities,[object Object],Exploitive in interpersonal relationships,[object Object],Ego inflation,[object Object],Attitude of Entitlement,[object Object],Emotionally Independent,[object Object]
Personality : Unbridled Aggressive,[object Object],Openly hostile,[object Object],Frequently violent,[object Object],Commonly labeled anti-social,[object Object],Easily angered,[object Object],Impulsive,[object Object],Fearless,[object Object],Reckless,[object Object],Overly prone to violate the rights of others,[object Object],Overtly aggressive,[object Object],Fueled by an inordinate mistrust of others,[object Object],Excessive readiness to aggress,[object Object]
Personality : Channeled Aggressive,[object Object],Overtly aggressive,[object Object],Generally confine their aggression to socially acceptable outlets,[object Object],Business,[object Object],Sports,[object Object],Law enforcement,[object Object],Legal profession,[object Object],Military,[object Object],They don’t usually cross the line into anti-social behavior,[object Object],Their conformity is a matter of practicality rather than submitting to social rules,[object Object],They conform to stay out of trouble or to exert influence in a mature manner that is socially acceptable,[object Object],They will break the rules when they feel that they can get away with it,[object Object]
Personality : Sadistic Aggressive,[object Object],Overtly Aggressive,[object Object],They seek positions of power and dominance,[object Object],They gain satisfaction from seeing their victims squirm and grovel in positions of vulnerability,[object Object],Enjoys making people suffer,[object Object],Enjoys humiliating and denigrating,[object Object]
Personality : Predatory Aggressive,[object Object],Psychopath / Sociopath,[object Object],Lack of conscience,[object Object],They see themselves as superior creatures who are meant to prey upon the common folk,[object Object],They are the most extreme manipulators and con-artists,[object Object],They thrive on exploiting and abusing others,[object Object],Charming and disarming,[object Object],They study the vulnerabilities of their prey,[object Object],No sense of remorse or regret,[object Object]
Personality : Covert Aggressive,[object Object],Ruthless while concealing their aggressive character,[object Object],Superficial charm,[object Object],They fight in subtle, cunning and underhanded ways,[object Object],They deceive themselves about their true character and covertly aggressive conduct : (“who me?”),[object Object],To the degree that they are character disordered, the more they actively attempt to deceive ONLY their intended victims.,[object Object],Adept at fighting unscrupulously and surreptitiously (secretive and without ethics or scruples),[object Object],Manipulators know that if they are “above board” in their aggression, they will encounter resistance,[object Object],Some of them derive an inordinate sense of exhilaration from pulling the wool over the eyes of their victims.,[object Object],Others just want to win – at all costs.,[object Object]
Personality : Covert Aggressive,[object Object],Every life situation is a challenge to be met, a battle to be won,[object Object],They always want to be “one-up” and in control,[object Object],They use tactics that increase the probability that their target will go on the defensive, retreat or concede while simultaneously concealing their aggressive intent,[object Object],Deceptively civil, charming and seductive,[object Object],Vindictive fighters,[object Object],They capitalize on any weakness and intensify their aggression if they notice you faltering,[object Object],They catch you unaware and unprepared,[object Object],If they think you got the better of them, they will try to get you back,[object Object],The battle is never over until they think they have won,[object Object],They lack “Internal Brakes” – they don’t know  when to stop,[object Object],Ends always justify the means – win at all costs!,[object Object],They deceive themselves and others about what they are really doing,[object Object],They view people as pawns in the game of life,[object Object],Detesting weakness, they take advantage of every frailty they find in their opponents.,[object Object]
Passive Aggressive / Negativistic,[object Object],Ambivalent about whether to adopt a primarily independent or dependent style of coping,[object Object],They want to take charge of their life, but fear they lack the capability to do so effectively,[object Object],They chronically crave and elicit support from others,[object Object],But they also resent being in positions of dependence and submission,[object Object],They try to gain a sense of personal power by resisting cooperation with the very people from whom they solicit support,[object Object],They request support and then resist suggestions with “Yes, but…” statements,[object Object]
Covert Aggressive,[object Object],Calculating Manipulators,[object Object],Not identical to Narcissistic,[object Object],but they almost always have narcissistic qualities,[object Object],Egotists who cleverly exploit and manipulate are narcissists and covertly aggressive,[object Object],It’s tempting to label them Anti-Social, but they may not be (but they could be),[object Object],For the most part, habitual manipulators are Covert Aggressive Personalities – at their core,[object Object],They may also have narcissistic, obsessive compulsive and anti-social tendencies,[object Object]
Covert Aggressive Personalities,[object Object],Daily living is a battle – They are obsessed with winning,[object Object],Always willing and ready to fight,[object Object],Fail to recognize when it is best to submit or acquiesce,[object Object],Total aversion to submission prevents making little concessions that lead to victory later on,[object Object],Never learned to fight constructively or fairly,[object Object],Mistrust their own ability to win a fair fight and aren’t willing to risk losing,[object Object],Over-learned how to win by fighting underhandedly and surreptitiously (secretly),[object Object],Detesting submission, they never learned the benefit of admitting defeat,[object Object],True learning involves submitting oneself to a higher authority, power or moral principal,[object Object],Aggressive personalities don’t learn because they don’t submit,[object Object],Never learned to get beyond childish selfishness,[object Object],Having become skilled at manipulation, they have come to think of themselves as invincible,[object Object],They never learned genuine respect or empathy for the vulnerabilities of others,[object Object],To them everyone else’s weakness is simply their advantage,[object Object]
Covert Aggressive Careers,[object Object],Law Enforcement,[object Object],Politics,[object Object],Religion,[object Object],Cult Leaders,[object Object],Militant Activists,[object Object],The more cunning and skilled at the tactics of manipulation, the easier it is for a Covert Aggressive to rise to a position of power and influence,[object Object]
Dealing with Manipulative People,[object Object],Become very familiar with the character of these “Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing”,[object Object],Learn to spot them right away,[object Object],Know their tactics so that you can recognize when they are using them against you,[object Object],Understand that they will do whatever it takes to win,[object Object],Knowing your own weaknesses can be your biggest strength in dealing with a manipulator,[object Object],Fears,[object Object],Insecurities,[object Object],Make  changes in your own behavior to avoid being a victim of a manipulator,[object Object]
The Determination to Win,[object Object],Determined, cunning, and sometimes ruthless, they use a variety of manipulation tactics, not only to get whet they want, but also to avoid seeing themselves or being seen by others as the kind of people they really are,[object Object],They always want their way,[object Object],They don’t know when to stop,[object Object],They don’t know when to concede,[object Object],They don’t know when to back-off,[object Object],They shove their will down everyone else’s throat – often under the guise of care and concern (rationalization),[object Object],They may use denial to grant themselves permission to push forward,[object Object],Solution: craft “win-win” scenarios when dealing with manipulators,[object Object]
Unbridled Quest for Power,[object Object],Nothing is more important to any aggressive personality than gaining power and achieving a position of dominance over others,[object Object],Covert aggressives are ruthlessly ambitious,[object Object],But they are careful not to be perceived that way,[object Object]
Penchant for Deception & Seduction,[object Object],Dealing with covert-aggressive personalities is like getting whiplash.,[object Object],You don’t really know what has hit you until long after the damage is done.,[object Object],They are masters of deception and seduction,[object Object],They often lie by omission (covert lying),[object Object],It’s all about slick maneuvering,[object Object],Position – Position – Position ,[object Object]
Fighting Dirty,[object Object],Crafty underhanded maneuvering,[object Object],What you don’t know can hurt you,[object Object],Territoriality,[object Object],Aggressive personalities stake out their turf,[object Object]
Reactive vs. Predatory,[object Object],Reactive Aggression ,[object Object],These are the defensive moves that you make when you are being attacked by a covert manipulator,[object Object],Generally, these acts of aggression are not planned,[object Object],These acts of aggression are motivated by fear,[object Object],It’s an emotional response to a threatening situation,[object Object],Like when a cat suddenly becomes aware that it is under attack, he arches his back, shows it’s claws, hisses and generally prepares to fight,[object Object],Predatory Aggression,[object Object],These are the covert attacks initiated by a skilled manipulator,[object Object],Like a cat on the prowl, hunting for a mouse (no raised hair or hissing),[object Object],These attacks are planned in advance,[object Object],They are deliberate initiated,[object Object],They are motivated by the desire to win,[object Object]
Impaired Conscience,[object Object],Aggressive personalities don’t like anyone pushing them to do what they don’t want to do or stopping them from doing what they do want to do.,[object Object],“No” is never an answer they accept.,[object Object],They actively resist any constraints on their desires or behavior,[object Object],They have trouble forming a healthy conscience,[object Object]
No Internal Brakes,[object Object],Conscience can be thought of as a self-imposed barrier to an unchecked pursuit of personal goals,[object Object],It’s like a set of “Internal Brakes”,[object Object],Aggressive personalities resist societies exhortation to install these brakes (a conscience),[object Object],They fight the socialization process very early in childhood,[object Object],If they can see some benefit in self-restraint, they might internalize some inhibitions,[object Object],Generally, any conscience they do form is significantly impaired,[object Object],Internalization of a societal prohibition is the definitive act of submission,[object Object],Aggressive personalities detest and resist submission,[object Object],Thus, they develop an impaired conscience,[object Object],They have very weak Internal Brakes (if any),[object Object]
Covert Aggressive : Self Awareness,[object Object],By refraining from overt acts of hostility towards others,[object Object],They attempt to convince themselves (and others) that they are not ruthless people,[object Object],Despite their attempts at self-deception, covert aggressives know what they are doing,[object Object],Their aggressive tactics often require pre-planning,[object Object],They know their agenda,[object Object],They consciously strive to conceal their true intentions from others,[object Object],Generally speaking, humans are more likely to achieve their goals when they know what they want.,[object Object],The more successful a person is at covert manipulation, the more likely it is that they are consciously aware of their ruthless nature,[object Object],The longer a person uses covert manipulation tactics, the more likely it is that they are consciously aware of their own ruthless nature,[object Object]
Getting Away with Murder,[object Object],Covert Aggressives exploit situations in which they are well aware of the vulnerability of their targets.,[object Object],They are very selective about the types of people with whom they will associate or work,[object Object],They are adept at keeping others in a “one-down” position,[object Object],They know how to maintain appearances and cover their tracks,[object Object],They know how to protect themselves if they are caught – because they preplan for the contingency,[object Object],They relish being in positions of power over others.,[object Object],How a person uses power is the most reliable test of their character,[object Object]
Abusive Manipulative Relationships,[object Object],Covert aggressives use a variety of tactics to keep their partners in a subordinate position in a relationship,[object Object],They are experts at exploiting the weaknesses  and emotional insecurities of others,[object Object],Typical Tactics,[object Object],Playing the victim,[object Object],Guilt Tripping,[object Object],Shaming,[object Object],Externalizing Blame,[object Object]
Slot Machine Syndrome,[object Object],The appeal of the Jackpot,[object Object],[object Object],Behaviorists call this the “ratio schedule of reinforcement”,[object Object],With a slot machine, you have to do a lot of responding (investing) to have a chance at winning,[object Object],Every once in a while a “cherry” appears and you win a little something,[object Object],[object Object],After you have been worn down by the machines abuse and are tempted to walk away, you’re faced with a most difficult dilemma,[object Object],If you leave, then you leave behind a substantial investment,[object Object],You not only have to walk away from your abuser but also from a huge chunk of yourself,[object Object],To disengage with nothing to show for your time and effort but a broken spirit is hard to do,[object Object],You’re tempted to delude yourself by saying, “if I just put in one more quarter”,[object Object]
Aggressive Personalities in Recovery,[object Object],Traditional recovery models are detrimental when applied to chemically dependent individuals with aggressive personalities,[object Object],Abusive personalities show similar patterns of behavior with all of the “objects” in their lives with which they have some kind of relationship – including their drugs of choice.,[object Object],They aren’t “Dependent” on the drug,[object Object],They “Abuse” the drug,[object Object],They detest being under the control of anyone or anything,[object Object],The aggressive personality is in charge,[object Object],People with aggressive personality disorders do poorly in treatment programs that view them as dependent in any way,[object Object],The 12-step model of recovery is anathema to all aggressive personalities,[object Object],To admit that they are in any way powerless challenges their deepest convictions,[object Object],To believe that a higher power holds the key to their recovery is incompatible with their inflated self regard,[object Object],That they should submit their wills and conduct of their lives to a higher power is truly aversive,[object Object],If pressured into treatment, they may say all of the right things to get others off their backs,[object Object],The manipulation tactic of Giving Asscent,[object Object]
DP’s addicted to AP’s,[object Object],Dependent Personalities can become addicted to Aggressive Personalities,[object Object],DP’s are often attracted to the Confidence and Independence demonstrated by AP’s,[object Object],DP’s are vulnerable to exploitation because they are dependent upon someone else’s approval and support for a sense of self-worth,[object Object],DP’s become habituated to the painful aspects of a relationship with an AP,[object Object],DP’s develop a tolerance for the abuse delivered by the AP,[object Object],When the DP attempts to disengage from the AP, they experience withdrawal pain,[object Object],Tolerance and Withdrawal are the hallmark features of a genuine addiction,[object Object]
DP / AP : Abusive Relationships,[object Object],If the AP isn’t addicted to the DP, then why does he do his best to keep her?,[object Object],The AP simply hates to lose,[object Object],Losing means giving up a position of dominance and power,[object Object],The AP seeks to be on top and in control,[object Object],The DP is never the real object  of the AP’s desire,[object Object],It’s the Position that the AP desires,[object Object],The AP doesn’t fight to keep the DP he loves,[object Object],He fights to stay on Top and in control,[object Object],The AP views the DP as Property – an object possession,[object Object],Any move towards independence on the part of the DP is seeing as a rejection of the AP’s right to dominance,[object Object]
The Manipulative Child,[object Object],Children learn to discipline and channel their aggressive instincts,[object Object],Children naturally fight for what they want,[object Object],Most children learn to modulate their overly aggressive tendencies,[object Object],They explore other strategies for winning life’s battles,[object Object],Along the way, they discover the “emotional buttons” of their parents (and others), that when pressed, cause them to back down or give ground in a conflict,[object Object],They also learn the things they can say or do (or not say), that will keep their opponents in the dark, off balance, and on the defensive,[object Object],These children learn to fight covertly,[object Object],These children manage to gain inordinate amounts of power in the family by learning the tactics of manipulation,[object Object]
Childish Manipulation,[object Object],They scope out the parental weaknesses and use manipulation tactics to get their way.,[object Object],“You must think I’m crazy.”,[object Object],“I don’t think you like me.”,[object Object],“You must think I’m a dumb dumb.”,[object Object],“You’re being mean to me.”,[object Object],“Everybody hates me.”,[object Object],“You make me mad.”,[object Object],“I might as well be dead.”,[object Object],“I want to go live with daddy because he understands me.”,[object Object],“I’m going to kill myself.”,[object Object],Parents inadvertently enable this manipulative behavior because they don’t recognize it as Aggression (fighting).,[object Object],Parents mistake the child’s behavior as Defensive. It is actually Offensive. The child is on the attack when they make those statements.,[object Object]
The “Root” of the Problem,[object Object],The problem is not an underlying Fear or Insecurity or Frustration,[object Object],The problem is  the aggressive nature of the Personality - A desire to Fight and Win,[object Object],This results in a lifestyle of ,[object Object],Excessive fighting,[object Object],Fighting underhandedly (covert manipulation tactics),[object Object],Guilt Tripping,[object Object],Playing the Victim,[object Object],Blaming Others,[object Object],Making Veiled Threats,[object Object]
Corrective Action for Children,[object Object],Traditional psychological therapy fails to understand and help people with Disturbed Characters,[object Object],These people don’t need insight or help,[object Object],They don’t need to discover unconscious fears or insecurities or overcome low self-esteem,[object Object],They need correction and limit setting,[object Object],They need to be confronted about their distorted thinking patterns and attitudes,[object Object],Their covertly aggressive conduct needs correction,[object Object],Their inflated self-image needs to be corrected,[object Object],Children aren’t equipped to handle a lot of power,[object Object],They don’t have the emotional maturity or life experience to wield power responsibly,[object Object]
Too Much Self Esteem,[object Object],A person can have too much (as well as too little) self esteem,[object Object],A person who is acting “too big for his britches” is not necessarily compensating for an underlying insecurity,[object Object],Neurotics sometimes are,[object Object],Character Disordered usually aren’t,[object Object],Someone who has accumulated inordinate power and thinks (from all immediate evidence), that they are invincible can easily come to over esteem themselves,[object Object]
Self Esteem vs. Self Respect,[object Object],The word “Esteem” derives from a word meaning “estimate”,[object Object],Self esteem is the intuitive estimate we make of our worth based on assessment of our innate talents and abilities and the success we’ve had in getting what we want in life,[object Object],“Self Respect” means to Look Back,[object Object],Individuals who know what they have going for themselves and are confident in their ability to get what they want can overly esteem themselves while never developing any legitimate self respect,[object Object],Self respect arises out of a favorable retrospective assessment of ones personal effort, commitment to socially acceptable goals and achievements,[object Object],Our self esteem derives from what we know we have,[object Object],Our self respect derives from what we know we have done with what we have been given,[object Object],In the long run, Manipulation tactics lead to a history of social failures,[object Object],Those people with a long history of social failures have a hard time developing self-respect,[object Object]
Developing a Balanced Self Esteem,[object Object],Parents inadvertently reinforce children to overly esteem themselves by praising them for their intelligence and good looks and innate talents,[object Object],Those are things that the individual cannot legitimately claim credit,[object Object],There is no acknowledgment of a “higher power”,[object Object],Nature,[object Object],God,[object Object],Random Luck,[object Object],We need to remember to praise “effort”,[object Object],The willingness to work,[object Object],“Sweat” alone is worthy of praise and its appreciation is essential to a healthy sense of self respect,[object Object],It’s not what people are given that we should praise or what they manage to secure,[object Object],We need to praise what they do with their talents and abilities and how hard they work to make an honest responsible contribution to society,[object Object],Covert manipulators, think a whole lot of themselves (high self esteem) but they have very little self-respect.,[object Object]
Learning Humility,[object Object],Teach the child ,[object Object],there are entities in the world that are stronger, wiser and more capable than them,[object Object],It is sometimes in our best interest to accept guidance and direction,[object Object],Mature individuals know their strengths and weaknesses and thus, when to ask for help,[object Object]
Defense Mechanisms,[object Object],DM’s in Normal people and Neurotics,[object Object],Reflexive mental behaviors,[object Object],They shield us from emotional pain,[object Object],Used to defend our self-image from anxiety associated with societal invitations to feel guilty or ashamed,[object Object],Used to prevent a feared event from happening,[object Object],DM’s in Character Disturbed individuals,[object Object],Primarily used to ensure that an event DOES happen,[object Object],Used to manipulate and control,[object Object],Used to solidify resistance to internalizing and accepting social norms,[object Object],Used as vehicles to continue doing what society says we shouldn’t do,[object Object],Use of defense mechanisms prevents a healthy development of Conscience in Character Disturbed individuals,[object Object],For the most part, CD’s use DM’s consciously,[object Object],Habitual use makes them appear to be almost reflexive,[object Object],Responsibility avoidance behaviors and tactics of manipulation and control,[object Object]
Denial,[object Object],Defense Mechanism,[object Object],A psychological state that is unconsciously employed to protect a person from emotional pain or intense grief,[object Object],Death of a loved one,[object Object],Manipulation Tactic,[object Object],It is denying a behavior,[object Object],“I didn’t do anything.”,[object Object],He is not willing to submit himself to the standard of behavior that others expect,[object Object],He doesn’t want to face the consequences of getting caught,[object Object],So he tries to convince you that you have made an error,[object Object],He lies,[object Object],He is not defending from emotional pain,[object Object],He is fighting,[object Object],He is not in a psychological state of Denial,[object Object],He is employing a manipulation tactic,[object Object],He is very conscious of what he is doing,[object Object],It is not an automatic reflexive behavior,[object Object],The purpose is not to prevent emotional pain (defense),[object Object],The purpose is to get out of trouble (defiant aggressive fighting),[object Object]
Habitual Lying,[object Object],For the covert manipulator, lying may be habitual, but that doesn’t mean it is unconscious,[object Object],When someone lies, they know what they are doing,[object Object],Behaviors that are habitual and automatic are not the same thing as behavior that are unconscious,[object Object]
Manipulative Behaviors & Tactics,[object Object],Conceal the aggressive intent of the person using them,[object Object],Puts others on the defensive,[object Object],Habitual use reinforces the users dysfunctional, yet preferred way of dealing with the world,[object Object],Effective tools to exploit, manipulate, abuse and control others,[object Object],They are weapons of aggressive offense,[object Object],Not defense,[object Object],The person who uses these tactics is fighting,[object Object],They are fighting against the values and standards of conduct that they know others want them to adopt or internalize,[object Object],They are also fighting against resistance in others and to get their way,[object Object],Covert aggressive are especially adept at using these tactics to conceal their aggressive intent while simultaneously throwing their opponents on the defensive,[object Object],A good manipulator will throw lots of tactics at you at once,[object Object]
Manipulation Tactics,[object Object],Minimization,[object Object],Lying,[object Object],Denial,[object Object],Selective Inattention,[object Object],Rationalization,[object Object],Diversion,[object Object],Evasion,[object Object],Covert Intimidation,[object Object],Guilt Tripping,[object Object],Shaming,[object Object],Playing the Victim,[object Object],Villifying the Victim,[object Object],Playing the Servant,[object Object],Seduction,[object Object],Projecting the Blame,[object Object],Feigning Innocence,[object Object],Feigning Confusion,[object Object],Brandishing Anger,[object Object]
Minimization,[object Object],A unique type of denial coupled with rationalization,[object Object],The aggressor is attempting to assert that his behavior isn’t really harmful or irresponsible,[object Object],Attempting to make a molehill out of a mountain,[object Object],Neurotics make “mountains out of molehills”,[object Object],“Catastrophize”,[object Object],Character Disturbed make “molehills out of mountains”,[object Object],“Trivializes” the nature of his wrong doing,[object Object],Manipulators minimize to make a person who might confront them feel they have been overly harsh in their criticism or unjust in their appraisal of a situation,[object Object]
Minimization Words : “Just” &“Only”,[object Object],“I only did it one time.”,[object Object],“It’s just a little thing. It’s really nothing to get upset about.”,[object Object],Attempts to convince us that that there isn’t anything wrong with their behavior,[object Object],Attempts to manipulate our impression of the speaker,[object Object]
Lying,[object Object],Aggressive personalities will generally do whatever it takes to get what they want,[object Object],You can expect them to lie and cheat,[object Object],Manipulators are prone to lie in subtle covert ways,[object Object],Disturbed characters lie frequently,[object Object],Sometimes just for sport,[object Object],They lie even when the truth would suffice,[object Object],Lying by Omission,[object Object],Withholding a significant amount of the truth,[object Object],Lying by Distortion,[object Object],Distorting essential facts to keep you in the dark,[object Object]
Denial,[object Object],When aggressors refuse to admit that they have done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have,[object Object],It’s a way to lie to themselves and to others about their aggressive intentions,[object Object],“Who me?”,[object Object],This tactic invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior.,[object Object],It’s also the way an aggressor gives themselves permission to keep right on doing what they want to do,[object Object],A maneuver that the aggressor uses to get others to back-off and feel guilty for insinuating that he has done something wrong,[object Object]
Selective Inattention (or Attention),[object Object],When aggressors actively ignore the warnings or pleas or wishes of others,[object Object],Refuses to pay attention to everything or anything that might distract them from pursuing their agenda,[object Object],Actively listening to and heeding the suggestion of someone are acts of submission,[object Object],Use “Selective Speaking” to counter this tactic,[object Object],Only speak to them when they are looking at you in the eye.,[object Object],Force them to look you in the eye.,[object Object],It’s impossible for someone to accept and resist at the same time. So when a person is tuning you out, there is no point in wasting your breath.,[object Object],When they stop resisting (fighting), and pay attention, you have a chance to be heard.,[object Object]
Rationalization,[object Object],The excuse an aggressor makes for engaging in what they know is inappropriate or harmful behavior.,[object Object],It serves to remove any internal resistance  the aggressor might have about doing what they want to do (quieting the qualms of conscience),[object Object],If the aggressor can convince you that their behavior is justified, then they are freer to pursue their goals without interference.,[object Object]
Diversion,[object Object],A moving target is hard to hit.,[object Object],When we try to discuss the manipulators offensive behavior, they will change the subject,[object Object],Dodging the issue,[object Object],Throwing us a curve,[object Object],Distraction and Misdirection,[object Object],Their goal is to keep the focus off their behavior,[object Object],Manipulators are adept at changing the subject,[object Object],Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume, that for some reason, they are trying to avoid the topic,[object Object]
Evasion,[object Object],Closely related to diversion,[object Object],The manipulator attempts to avoid being cornered  on an issue by rambling, irrelevant responses to a direct question or otherwise trying to skirt an issue.,[object Object],Deliberate use of vagueness,[object Object],Covert manipulators are adept at giving vague answers to simple and direct questions,[object Object]
Covert Intimidation,[object Object],Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a “one-down” position,[object Object],They are adept at countering arguments with passion and intensity, thereby throwing their opponents on the defensive,[object Object],Intimidate by making veiled threats,[object Object]
Guilt Tripping,[object Object],A favorite weapon of the covert aggressive,[object Object],Covert aggressive know that other people have a conscience (especially neurotics),[object Object],The hallmark qualities of a sound conscience are the capacities for guilt and shame.,[object Object],Manipulators use the conscientiousness of their targets to keep them in a self doubting, anxious, and submissive position.,[object Object],The more conscientiousness a person is, the more effective guilt is as a weapon,[object Object]
Shaming,[object Object],Using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of creating fear and self-doubt,[object Object],Used to make others feel unworthy or inadequate,[object Object]
Playing the Victim,[object Object],Victim of Circumstance,[object Object],Victim of someone else’s behavior,[object Object],This tactic is used to ,[object Object],Gain sympathy,[object Object],Evoke compassion,[object Object],…and thereby gain something from another,[object Object],Covert aggressive count on the fact that less callous and hostile personalities can’t stand to see anyone suffering.,[object Object],They try to convince their target that they are suffering,[object Object],Whether they believe their own distortions is irrelevant.,[object Object],They are able to manipulate by playing the victim because their targets believe that they believe they are a victim,[object Object]
Villifying the Victim (Target),[object Object],This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with Playing the Victim,[object Object],The aggressor uses this tactic to make it look like he is only responding (i.e. defending against) to aggression from the real victim (the target),[object Object],It enables the aggressor to put the target on the defensive,[object Object],This tactic also masks the aggressive intent and behavior of the person using the tactic,[object Object]
Playing the Servant Role,[object Object],Covert aggressive use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a noble cause,[object Object],It’s a common tactic but difficult to recognize,[object Object],By pretending to be working hard on someone else’s behalf, covert aggressive conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others,[object Object],It’s the cornerstone upon which corrupt ministerial empires of all sorts are built,[object Object],One hallmark quality of covert aggressive personalities is loudly professing subservience while fighting for dominance,[object Object]
Seduction,[object Object],Covert aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty.  ,[object Object],Covert aggressive are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent want approval, reassurance and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything.,[object Object],Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulators ticket to incredible power over others.,[object Object],Shady "gurus" like Jim Jones and David Koresh seemed to have refined this tactic to an art,[object Object]
Projecting the Blame,[object Object],Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame to someone else.,[object Object],Covert aggressive are skilled at finding scapegoats in subtle and hard to detect ways.,[object Object]
Feigning Innocence,[object Object],The manipulator tries to convince  you that any harm they did was unintentional,[object Object],Or that they really didn’t do something that they are accused of,[object Object],The tactic is designed to make you question your judgment,[object Object],Sometimes the tactic can be a subtle look of surprise or indignation,[object Object]
Feigning Confusion,[object Object],Closely related to feigning innocence,[object Object],When the manipulator acts like he doesn’t know what you are talking about,[object Object],Or he is confused by an important issue that you are trying to bring to his attention,[object Object],It’s the manipulators way of getting you to question your sanity by “playing dumb”,[object Object]
Brandishing Anger,[object Object],A deliberate display of anger,[object Object],Calculated,[object Object],To Coerce,[object Object],With aggressive personalities, it’s a mistake to think that anger precedes aggression,[object Object],Aggressive personalities use displays of anger to intimidate and manipulate,[object Object],They aren’t angry to start with,[object Object],Sometimes the most effective tactic is brandishing sufficient emotional intensity and rage to shock another person into submission,[object Object]
Tactical Advice,[object Object],Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut level  sensitivity to the preceding tactics – if they are to avoid being taken in by these people,[object Object],When somebody uses these tactics, you also know that they will use them again,[object Object],Nothing will change until they decide to stop fighting and start accepting appropriate rules of civilized conduct,[object Object],As long as they are engaging in these tactics, it is clear, they don’t intend to change,[object Object]
Redefining the Terms of Engagement,[object Object],The person who launches the first strike has  set the initial rules of engagement,[object Object],The aggressor sets the rules,[object Object],You must move quickly to redefine the terms of engagement,[object Object],Be free from misconceptions about human nature and behavior,[object Object],Know how to correctly assess the character of others,[object Object],Have high self awareness of your own weaknesses and vulnerabilities to manipulation,[object Object],Recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation,[object Object],Avoid fighting losing battles,[object Object]
Letting go of Misconceptions,[object Object],People are not all good,[object Object],Some people are evil,[object Object],1 out of every 100 people is a psychopath,[object Object],Lack of empathy and compassion,[object Object],No conscience,[object Object],The law of reciprocation is not universal,[object Object],Not everyone believes in cooperation,[object Object],Aggressive personalities have different motivations than the rest of us,[object Object],Winning is more important to them than Love,[object Object],Variety is more important than Safety,[object Object]
Becoming a Better Judge of Character,[object Object],Be on guard for the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing,[object Object],By their fruits you shall know them…,[object Object],If it walks and talks like a duck, then it is a duck.,[object Object],The manner by which they habitually interact with others defines aggressive personalities,[object Object],Always pushes to have their way,[object Object],Always has to win,[object Object],Won’t take “no” for an answer,[object Object],Always wants the upper hand,[object Object],Covert Aggressive,[object Object],Rarely gives you a straight answer to a question,[object Object],Always making excuses for doing harmful things,[object Object],Tries to make you feel guilty,[object Object],Uses any of the other  tactics to try and throw you on the defensive,[object Object]
Knowing Yourself Better,[object Object],A manipulators real leverage is in knowing their target well enough to know how that person is likely to respond to their tactics,[object Object],Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and weaknesses of their targets,[object Object],The more you know about yourself, and work on your vulnerabilities, the more leverage you gain in dealing with them,[object Object]
Vulnerabilities,[object Object],Naivete,[object Object],Over-Conscientiousness,[object Object],Low Self-Confidence,[object Object],Over Intellectualization,[object Object],Emotional Dependency,[object Object]
Naivete,[object Object],When you are confronted with abundant evidence that you are dealing with a ruthless conniver, you may refuse to believe it,[object Object]
Over-Conscientiousness,[object Object],You might be the type of person who is too willing to give a would be manipulator the benefit of the doubt,[object Object],When they do something to hurt you, you may be too ready to see their side of things,[object Object],And too willing to blame yourself when they go on the attack and throw you on the defensive,[object Object]
Over Intellectualization,[object Object],You may be one of those people who tries to hard to understand. ,[object Object],By being overly focused on the possible reasons for a behavior, you may inadvertently excuse it.,[object Object],You might get so wrapped up in trying to understand what is going on that you forget that someone is merely fighting to gain advantage over you.,[object Object],There are people in this world who fight to much, fight underhandedly, and for no other purpose than to get what they want.,[object Object]
Emotional Dependency,[object Object],You may have submissive personality characteristics rooted in deep fears of independence and autonomy,[object Object],The more emotionally dependent you are on someone, the more vulnerable you are to being exploited and manipulated by them.,[object Object]
What to expect and what to do,[object Object],You can expect manipulators to throw at you whatever it takes to gain advantage over you,[object Object],Know all of the tactics,[object Object],Watch and listen carefully,[object Object],Be constantly on the lookout for tactics,[object Object],Label the tactics immediately when you detect them,[object Object],Don’t be swayed by the tactics themselves,[object Object]
Avoid Fighting Losing Battles,[object Object],Whenever we persist in fighting a battle that we can’t win, a sense of powerlessness ensues,[object Object],The losing battle manipulation victims often fight is trying to make the victim change,[object Object],They get caught in the trap of trying to figure out what to say or do to make the manipulator behave differently,[object Object],They invest considerable energy trying to make something happen that they haven’t the power to make happen,[object Object]
Put your energy where the power is,[object Object],Generally speaking, those who have suffered a great deal, at the hands of a covertly aggressive person are emotionally drained and have a lot of anger towards the manipulator.,[object Object],They want the manipulator to work for a change,[object Object],And they want the manipulator to pay for their misbehavior,[object Object]
Tools of Empowerment,[object Object],Accept no excuses,[object Object],Judge actions, not intentions,[object Object],Set personal limits,[object Object],Make direct requests,[object Object],Accept only direct responses,[object Object],Stay focused in the here and now,[object Object],When confronting aggressive behavior, keep the weight of responsibility on the aggressor,[object Object],When you confront, avoid sarcasm, hostility, and put-downs,[object Object],Avoid making threats,[object Object],Take action quickly,[object Object],Speak for yourself,[object Object],Make reasonable agreements,[object Object],Be prepared for consequences,[object Object],Be honest with yourself,[object Object]
Accept no Excuses,[object Object],Don’t buy into any of the reasons (rationalizations) that anyone gives for any type of inappropriate behavior,[object Object],The rationale is totally irrelevant,[object Object],The ends never justifies the means,[object Object],The person offering an excuse is trying to maintain a position from which they should be backing away,[object Object],From the very moment they start explaining, they are resisting submission to the principal of civil conduct and trying to get you to cave in to their point of view,[object Object],Because they are resisting, you can be sure they will engage in the behavior again,[object Object],Key phrases: ,[object Object],“I’m not supporting you on this.”,[object Object],“I don’t accept your excuses or rationalizations.”,[object Object]
Judge Actions Not Intentions,[object Object],Never try to mind-read or second guess why someone is doing something,[object Object],Especially when they are doing something hurtful,[object Object],There is really no way for you to know, and in the end it is irrelevant,[object Object],Getting caught up in what might be going on in an aggressors head is a good way to get sidetracked from the pertinent issue,[object Object],Judge  the behavior itself,[object Object],Failure to see the aggression in the tactics of another is always how one gets manipulated,[object Object]
Set Personal Limits,[object Object],First you must decide what types of behavior you will tolerate from another person before taking some counter action or deciding to disengage,[object Object],Second, you must decide what action you are both willing to take in order to take better care of yourself,[object Object]
Make direct requests,[object Object],When asking for things, be clear about what you want,[object Object],Use “I” statements,[object Object],Avoid generalities,[object Object],Be specific about what it is you dislike, expect or want from another person.,[object Object],Don’t give a manipulator room to distort, or claim they misunderstood, what you want or expect from them.,[object Object],If you don’t get a direct response to a direct request, then you know that the manipulator is fighting with you at that moment, plans not to cooperate, or is looking for some way to thwart you.,[object Object]
Accept only Direct Responses,[object Object],Insist on a clear direct answer,[object Object],Don’t do this in a hostile or threatening way,[object Object],Respectfully assert the issue you raised is important and deserves to be forthrightly addressed,[object Object],Most direct appropriate questions can be answered with a simple direct answer,[object Object],If you get more than that, less than that, or something completely foreign, then you can assume someone is trying to manipulate you,[object Object]
Stay focused in the here and now,[object Object],Your manipulator will try to throw you off track with diversionary and evasion tactics,[object Object],You must make the effort to stay focused regardless of what tactics are thrown at you,[object Object],Don’t bring up past issues or speculate about the future,[object Object],Stay in the here and now,[object Object],No change takes place unless it takes place in the moment,[object Object],Even if some change does take place, it may not last very long because old habits are hard to break,[object Object],Don’t let diversionary tactics take you to another time and place,[object Object]
Keep the weight of responsibility on the aggressor,[object Object],When confronting aggressive behavior, keep the weight of responsibility on the aggressor,[object Object],If you are confronting an aggressor about some inappropriate behavior, keep the focus on whatever they did  to injure, no matter what tactics they might use to throw the ball back in your court,[object Object],Don’t accept their attempts to shift blame or responsibility,[object Object],Keep asking what they will do to correct the behavior,[object Object],Ignore their rationalizations,[object Object],When someone is in the wrong, the burdon for change must be on them,[object Object],Keep the focus on the behavior that the other person needs to change,[object Object]
When you confront,[object Object],Avoid sarcasm, hostility and put-downs,[object Object],Aggressive personalities are always looking for an excuse to go to war,[object Object],They will construe any sort of hostility as an attack and feel justified in launching an offensive,[object Object],Attacking their character invites them to use their favorite offensive attacks ,[object Object],Denial,[object Object],Selective Inattention,[object Object],Blaming,[object Object],Be sure to confront in a manner that is upfront, yet non-aggressive,[object Object],Focus on the inappropriate behavior of the aggressor,[object Object],Confronting without maligning or denigrating is a necessary skill in dealing effectively with manipulators,[object Object],Constantly doing things that made her hate herself only increased her need for approval,[object Object]
Avoid Making Threats,[object Object],Making threats is always an attempt to manipulate others into changing their behavior,[object Object],Never threaten,[object Object],Just take action,[object Object],Be careful not to counter aggress,[object Object],Just do what you really need to protect yourself and secure your own needs,[object Object]
Take Action Quickly,[object Object],A train without brakes rolling down a mountain is easiest to stop when it just begins to roll,[object Object],Once it gains momentum, it’s too late to take effective action,[object Object],Aggressive personalities lack internal brakes,[object Object],Once they are in hot pursuit of their goals it’s hard to stop them,[object Object],Act at the first sign that they are on the march,[object Object],The minute you become aware that a tactic is being employed, be ready to confront and respond to it,[object Object]
Speak for Yourself,[object Object],Use “I” statements,[object Object],Don’t presume to speak for anyone else,[object Object],Using others as a shield broadcasts your insecurity,[object Object],Deal with your opponent on a 1-to-1 basis,[object Object],Have the courage to stand up for what you want openly and directly,[object Object]
Make Reasonable Agreements,[object Object],Make agreements that are,[object Object],Appropriate,[object Object],Reliable,[object Object],Verifiable,[object Object],Enforceable,[object Object],Don’t ask for something that you’re not likely to get,[object Object],Don’t ask for something that you could be cheated out of by a manipulator,[object Object],Propose as many win-win scenarios as you can,[object Object],Win-win proposals are effective with manipulators because it constructively uses their determination to win,[object Object],An aggressive personality will do almost anything to avoid losing,[object Object]
Be Prepared for Consequences,[object Object],Always remain aware of the covert-aggressive’s determination to be the victor,[object Object],If they feel defeated, they are likely to try anything to regain the upper hand and a sense of vindication,[object Object],Take appropriate action to protect yourself,[object Object],Anticipate their next move,[object Object],Make a reasonable assessment of what the covert aggressive could and might do,[object Object],Secure a strong support system,[object Object]
Be Honest with Yourself,[object Object],Know your own agenda,[object Object],Know your real needs and desires,[object Object],You can never know what a manipulator is up to,[object Object],Deceiving yourself about your own wants and needs can put you in double-jeapardy,[object Object]
Empowered Living,[object Object],Living with a manipulator is not easy,[object Object],Keep your awareness high about ,[object Object],What they are really like,[object Object],What to expect from them,[object Object],How to empower yourself,[object Object],When a manipulator uses a tactic,[object Object],“I know what you are up to and I won’t let your tactic work.”,[object Object]
Misc,[object Object],Avoid enabling manipulative behavior.,[object Object],Trying to control a manipulator is a self-defeating cycle,[object Object],Some of the most widely held beliefs about human nature tend to set us up as victims of manipulators,[object Object],Understanding the true character of manipulative people is the first step to dealing more effectively with them,[object Object],Aggressive tendencies and behaviors are not inherently evil,[object Object],Parents must teach their children when it is appropriate and not appropriate to fight,[object Object]
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Book Report : In Sheeps Clothing

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Editor's Notes

  1. Example of unscrupulous rude behavior; the way Liza tried to take advantage of me when she noticed my weakened mental state (depressed – codependent crack head & STUPID decision making).Stealing carChallenging me to throw her outVery weak “Confidence Games” : “Dude, I’ll pay you back.”Attempting to evade the first money drop.Asking my opinion of her “weaknesses”She stopped all the “whoop whoop” parroting noises. She dropped that ridiculous portion of her “social mask” because she no longer felt that it was necessary to go to that extent to fool me. She thought I had become completely stupid (from drugs). That reduced her stress and anxiety and she became more “normal” around me. That was a brief period when we behaved as good friends. When I am in my normal “highly intelligent / dominant” state, Liza feels intimidated / anxious / stressed (and attracted)Blatant lyingIn my face disrespectTwo jealousy plot-linesShe tried to get me to fight with another guy, thus risking prison if I kill him.Rejecting my love when it finally rose to my conscious level
  2. For example; Liza decided to take advantage of me while I was in my co-dependent crack-head depression. And also while I was high on crack and meth. She also takes advantage of me when I am horny. She obtains forgiveness for prior aggressions by submitting to “angry sex” – Liza also deals primarily with men. She doesn’t associate with females.