150 Most Ill-Conceived Vehicles While
Hitler was building a war machine the French were bolting a gazillion light bulbs to a tower. I guess you can do that sort of thing when you have the Maginot Line. Between 1925 and 1934, the Eiffel Tower served as a giant billboard for Citroen.
150: The Serpollet Dampfdreirad- Peugeot
Type 1 To show I mean business, let’s kick things off with an 1888 beauty comprised of a horse carriage with a coal furnace bolted to it. Although it likely had the world’s first heated seat, I can’t ignore the fact it ran on coal, the passenger sat directly in front of the driver, and the light is in the back.
Barkeep: “Billy Bob, you’re too
drunk to drive.” Billy Bob: “Yeah, I’msh too shrive to shrunk. Sho I’msh gonna fly.” Curtis: “Goodsh for you Billyth Bobsh. Goodsh for you.” No Curtis, that ain’t good. Now, instead of crashing into a telephone pole ole Billy Bob can nose dive into any building within a 300-mile radius. 149: The Transition
Most of us know what
we’re good at and stick with it. The rest of us must work for Lamborghini. 148: Lamborghini LM002
VW CEO: “Günther, vas you
make? VW Engineer: “Sumzing, sumzing very schpecial VW CEO: “Vas you call dis sumzing?” VW Engineer: “Huh?” 146: VW Thing When designing something you have two choices: (1) Identify a concept, think it through, and produce something meaningful; (2) Do none of the above. I’m thinking the person who designed this was a “none of the above” kind of guy.
Here’s some advice to the
person who conceived the Prowler. The next time you design a hotrod try not to bolt a square license plate to the front fender. 145: Plymouth Prowler
123: Chevrolet Corvair and Corvair
Lakewood Driving a Corvair off a car lot is like going to Baskin Robbins and leaving with vanilla. Driving a Corvair Lakewood Wagon off a car lot is like going to Baskin Robins and getting your ass kicked.
113: Buick Century Custom and
Custom Wagon This ad argues that there are three types of men in this world. The first is the wild-eyed cowboy. The second is the complete idiot. The third is the guy that possesses the unfortunate combination of both characteristics. You know, the kind of guy that pulls-up in front of a group of rodeo riders in a Buick Custom Wagon.
108: NSU Prinz No mirror
on the passenger side, no problem. It’s not like you’re going to be in the left-hand lane. And as for the driver’s side mirror, I guess if you need to adjust it you just pull the hell over. And I’m unsure why these people are smiling. I mean come on, you’re sitting in an NSU Prinz.
107: Daf Daffodil What kind
of man would drive something called the Daf Daffodil? Look at the poor son-a-bitch behind the wheel. His family isn’t laughing with him, they’re laughing at him. Poor bastard is probably hoping that cigarette kills him before his pride does.
It’s difficult to tell which
is the front and which is the back. I guess it really doesn’t matter. Whether arriving or departing, you’re going to look like an ass. 103: Mitsubishi Colt CZC
102: Wartburg 353 Here’s a
fact for you: The Wartburg had a three-cylinder two-stroke engine with only seven moving parts. And here’s another fact: being a fine speciman of communist manufacturing, you still couldn’t find parts.
If I were an engineer
and assigned to “minivan development” I wouldn’t give a damn either. 100: Chevy Lumina
If they tried really, really
hard, perhaps Citroen engineers could design something uglier. And should any Citroen designer be reading this, please note that is not a challenge. 99: Citroen convertible
Someone please explain to me
how the word “Sport” is in any way relevant. Come on now. The only person who could possibly see “sport” in this is a fat, balding, middle-aged man whose wife forced him into buying a van. Wait a minute, I think I see it. 98: Chevrolet Beauville Sport Van
Rather than stick a big
plastic thing on the back of a pickup, why not just make a van? Sure, that might require a little more work and ingenuity but it might be worth it; then again, probably not. 89: Polonez Truck
I guess as long as
the driver has a canopy it’s all good. Screw the passenger. 88: Wartburg 1898
Sure, Ford could have easily
stopped desecrating the Mustang with the Mustang II but how American would that have been? Nope, in quintessential “never quit” American fashion out came this beauty. 85: 1980 Ford Mustang
Back in the 70’s I
thought these were the coolest things in the world. Of course, I also wore bell-bottom jeans, polyester shirts with kite-sized collars, puka shells, and fantasized about the redhead on Scooby Doo. 84: Dune Buggy
An all-wheel drive wagon with
the clearance of a truck; perfect for the mom that absolutely must get the kids to dance no matter the weather or amount embarrassment it causes. 83: AMC Eagle
From Chevy’s ‘brand character chief
designer’ Clay Dean: “These are GM innovations that the other guys can’t match.” Yo Clay, in my world you can’t update an AMC Eagle and call it innovation. Also, you need to keep in mind that the phrases ‘can’t match’ and ‘really don’t care to match’ are entirely different. I must admit though, ‘brand character chief designer’ is the sweetest job title I’ve ever seen. 82: Chevrolet Borrego
Everyone should be forced to
study Oldsmobile’s business model. I mean, how can a company design crap for more than 130 years and remain afloat? Hats off to you Mr. Olds, hats off to you. 81: 1890 Olds
If I were that guy,
I’d be looking the other way. 80a: Chrysler Lebaron and Lebaron Town & Country Wagon
Driving one is bad enough.
Actually allowing your children to play with a die-cast model of one, that’s just messed up. 79: Ford Consul Classic
A buddy of mine had
one of these in the 80’s. On a Saturday night we would strap on the Vans, jump in the Gremlin and cruise for chicks. And although we never had much luck, at least we had an excuse. Stupid Gremlin. 78: AMC Gremlin
A car for those that
want to drive around in a beer can with a front end that screams, “Number Five alive!” 69: Citroen 2CV Concept
I’d love to sit in
on a BMW board meeting just so I could meet the fellow that said, “Yeah, let’s go with that.” 68: BMW Z3 Coupé
The Moskvitch 408 was obviously
designed to fit within communist Russia’s all-product marketing slogan: “You get what you get and don’t throw a fit. 67: Moskvitch 408
66: Hyundai Pony Pony? This
thing would make Mr. Ed stampede— Wilbur: Hey Mr. Ed, come and look what I bought! Mr. Ed: What is that Wilbur? Wilbur: It's called a Pony Mr. Ed! Mr. Ed: Ohhhhhhhhhh Wilbur, that ain't no F*#@$ pony. Wilbur: Calm down Mr. Ed. It’s just what they call it. Mr. Ed: That’s ain’t right Wilbur…going to call Black Stallion and get the boys together…that ain’t right Wilbur… that ain't no F*#@$ pony
I’ve got bad news for
the boys over at Honda. The fellows at Citroen have been making crap like this for years. 65: Honda Insight
Dude, the ad plainly states
it’s a ‘second’ car so why the hell are you transporting the family around in it? We all know you got something better. 59: Lightburn Zeta Sedan
The problem with this car
is that it didn’t have enough window space. That’s a real issue because when in an accident, I like the glass to really fly. 58: AMC Pacer
I guess the folks at
Buick didn’t get the memo about there being a crappy little car called a Pacer. 57: Buick Signia
If you live in an
area where auto theft is a real problem, I recommend one of these. 56: Datsun B210
Yo Biff, no need to
worry about that ecological apocalypse of an oil trail you’re leaving behind; after all, oil comes from the earth. And as my buddy at BP tells me, “Water don’t spoil from a little oil. 55: Amphicar
If I were a cop
and saw you park this thing, I’d arrest you for littering. 54: BMW Snug
If you’ve ever done something
so stupid that you’ve regretted it for years, you can probably empathize with the designers of the Zeo. 53: Dodge Zeo
The Russian’s manufactured the SZD
exclusively for disabled drivers. That way if you saw an SZD rolling along, you could be damn sure a disabled was behind the wheel and get the hell out of the way. After all, disableds ain’t got as much to lose. 52: SMZ SZD
47: Volkswagen Kombi Men At
Work may have traveled in a fried-out one but let’s not forget, they were on a hippie trail. And oh yeah, they had a head full of zombie.
46: Nissan Nails Imagine pulling
up at the ole tailgate in your waxed-down Nissan Nails. For that matter, imagine pulling up anywhere in your waxed-down Nissan Nails.
45: Esoro Presto The bad
part of this car is that you’ll be eating bugs since it has no windshield. The good part is that it can be readily resized, which has a number of practical implications. For example, if your spouse’s friends in the backseat are annoying the hell out of you, one push of a button and -PRESTO- you crush ‘em.
43: Attica 200 Some day
this couple is going to spend a fortune on counseling to figure out what’s wrong with ‘lil Bobbie and Biff. You know, the poor bastards that got dropped off at school every morning in an Attica 200.
38: Reliant Robin I’m guessing
the Reliant engineers spent their entire bank of creativity on the Regal. I’m also guessing that if they had a ‘brand character chief designer’ this sort of thing wouldn’t happen.
37: Venturi Astrolab While I
can see where they’re going with this, what I can’t see is how you get in and out without crushing the solar panels.
36: Fiat Multipla If you’re
like me you’ve laid in bed many a night pondering the age old question of what would happen if Volkswagen Vans produced offspring. Well, sleep easy my friend. The folks at Fiat have an answer.
35: Nissan Pivo This is
why Ninjas can kill in a zillion different ways. If you spent your life surrounded with people who thought like this, you’d perfect the art of killing too.
34: Moovie and eRinGo Here’s
a cool trick. Take your eRinGo to the top of a really steep hill, coast down until you build up speed then slam on the brakes. Oh yeah, be sure you’re strapped in because it’s going to be one hell of a ride.
33: Rinspeed/Esoro Senso I’ll buy
one of these only if it meets three requirements: (1) It can go 88 mph; (2) It can generate 1.21 gigawatts of electrical power; (3) The flux capacitor is fully functioning.
32: Leonardo da Vinci Yeah,
it was developed in 1478, but come on. To make it work you have to pick the thing up and wind it by turning the wheels in a backward direction. Then jump on and cruise 130 feet before doing it all over again. And oh yeah, it only turns to the right and ole Leonardo seems to have forgotten to include a seat. While not bad for the medieval period, I expect a little more from a prodigy.
31: Tucker Torpedo (initial design)
I’m unsure the name Torpedo is appropriate. There’s gotta be a Geneva Convention against naming something this ugly after a sleek device designed to blow things up, maim and kill.
26: Peel Trident Imagine getting
off work after a really, really bad day. I’m talking one of those days where you’re unsure whether to cry or decapitate someone. Then you get to the parking garage, see this thing, and suddenly realize this is what you’ve been busting your ass for. I’m talking about the chick, not the car.
23: Honda Puyo According to
Honda, “"The goal was to create a personable design with the feel of an adorable pet." A pet? Are you kidding me? The only reason I’d buy a pet that ugly is to have something to kick.
22: Enrico Pecori's Tric There’s
nothing like cruising down the street with a pressure cooker between your legs. Which reminds me of a trip I once made to Berlin when I met this midg…let’s forget I even brought that up.
21: Zunndap Janus I honestly
expected a little more from a car named Zunndap Janus. At least as much as having the passenger and driver face the same direction.
18: Reliant Bond Bug Why
even bother making something like this aerodynamic? Then again, why even bother making something like this?
17: Tang Hua Book of
Songs Come on China. You’ve got 1.3 billion people and the “Book of Songs” is the best you can do? Are you kidding? Really? This thing would leave Confucius speechless. Probably piss him off.
16: Nissan S-Cargo This is
the kind of thing that makes you dream of being Godzilla; of strolling into Tokyo and smashing the hell out of it.
15: Mazda London Taxi This
wonderful venture was a project between Mazda and a student at the Royal College of Art in London. The student envisioned a time when there would be “restrictions on normal cars.” In a way, I can relate with the student. I dream of a time when there will be restrictions on normal art students. Oh wait, there apparently already is.
Imagine cruising along listening to
some relaxing tunes. You’re in a zone when suddenly the screams of kids fighting rip through the ole minivan. What do you do? You pass one of these, pull directly in front of it, and tell the kids to shut up or the monster will eat them. 14: Mercedes Colani
If you’ve ever been stuck
on a double date with a couple you don’t like, you can see the value in this bad boy. Better yet, slap the kids in the back and off you go! 13: Eliot Elisofon 1920s
We all know how absorbent
canvas is. So when you get in an accident with the Velorex 250, no problem. The canvas absorbs the energy, you snap it back together, and off you go. Absolutely brilliant! 11: Velorex 250
You see a man driving
one of these and you know he’s making up for some sort of deficit. Hell, they should have just called it “The Freudian Express.” 10: Alfa Romeo Aereodinamica
First, who the hell is
driving this box? Second, why not give the lady in black a ride before she blows away? Damn aristocrats. 9: Baker Electric
This award-winner is billed as
a high-tech “mobile urban loft” created specifically for those living in SoCal. It permits people to live in any space available by simply parking it. Then later you can move it if you wish. While this is a darn fine idea, I’ve got bad news for the folks at GMC; they already have these where I live. We call them trailers. 8: GMC PAD
A car that actually drives
itself! I have to get me one of these things. I can just picture it: “Hey dad, can you drive me to the movies?” “No, but Bubble Car can! Have fun and good luck!” How sweet is that? 7: GM Bubble Car
This is what America needs
to incorporate into its mass-transit system. I can promise you that if people had to ride in this, we’d have less obesity. This thing would make fat people walk. 6: Citroen Type H Van
The perfect car for those
not just expecting a head-on collision but those expecting a head-on collision and looking to bring the pain. 4: Sir Vival
This is nothing more than
a 20-foot, three-wheeled pedestrian killer. Because the “car” is steered by the rear wheel, the driver can literally whip it around in circles. The catch is, the driver can’t see to the sides or rear. So, while Wally impresses the poodle skirts with donuts, Beaver and his friends are being decimated. Check it out… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlLZE23EJKs 3: Fuller Dymaxion