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Queen of Peace Parent Evening Behaviour Support


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Queen of Peace Parent Evening - Behaviour Support

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Queen of Peace Parent Evening Behaviour Support

  1. 1. Brain break – which way is the bus going? Behaviour Matters 2017 1
  2. 2. 2017 A parent evening with David Vinegrad – Behaviour Matters
  3. 3. Who said this? “Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.” Behaviour Matters 2017 3
  4. 4. Patience…….is what parents have when there are witnesses Behaviour Matters 2017 4
  5. 5. Behaviour Matters 2017 Decision making/risk taking Current research Brain Development Punishment & resilience Parent-child communication Deviant/compliant behaviour School environment Restorative Practice 5
  6. 6. The character question: What sort of qualities and attributes would you like your child to have when they leave Queen of Peace PS? Is what we want, what we are teaching? Restorative Practices teaches these qualities and attributes. Behaviour Matters 2017 6
  7. 7. Australian parent concerns Australian Childhood Foundation: The Concerns of Australian Parents 2004 Behaviour Matters 2017 7
  8. 8. What worries kids? • Performance at school • Family – conflict, finances, health etc. • Body image • Suicide, drug & alcohol uses • Friends and relationships • Being popular, fitting in • Coping with stress and anxiety Behaviour Matters 2017 8
  9. 9. What the research is telling us…. • Positive relationships are central to good parenting • Parenting confidence is the foundation of parenting capacity • Balancing family and work is a major stress for parents • Promoting a culture of ‘help seeking’ behaviour is vital for healthy families Behaviour Matters 2017 Australian Childhood Foundation: The Concerns of Australian Parents 2004 9
  10. 10. What is Restorative Practice? • A whole school approach to the building of positive relationships to reduce the risk of misbehaviour and mistakes • An approach to problem solving that helps young people become aware of how their behaviour affects others • Has a focus on restoring relationships in the wake of a harmful behaviour • Evidence based practice – it works! • Encourages students to talk about what happened and help decide how to repair the harm • Separates the deed from the doer • Views wrongdoing and conflict as an opportunity for growth and learning. Behaviour Matters 2017 10
  11. 11. Harm Responsibility Makingitright Values Healthy Relationships Three pillars of Restorative Practice 11Behaviour Matters 2017
  12. 12. Behaviour Matters 2016 12
  13. 13. Restorative practice asks parents to…. Behaviour Matters 2017 • Seek first to understand before being understood • Hold judgement and listen to perspectives • Respect everyone involved • Include all people affected and those responsible • Focus on the harms, needs, and causes that have arisen • Engage in dialogue that aligns with the above principles and values of Queen of Peace PS • Help expand the capacity of our children to create a just and fair response and to learn the best lesson. 13
  14. 14. Restorative practices & bullying Behaviour Matters 2017 14
  15. 15. Is this Bullying? In the playground a student runs past other students calling them names and pinching them at random. Yes/No? Behaviour Matters 2017 No By definition this in not bullying behaviour. This is physical aggression and verbal harassment. 15
  16. 16. Is this Bullying? A group of students are waiting on the side of the swimming pool when one of the students is pushed into the water. Yes/No? Behaviour Matters 2017 Maybe It is only bullying if it is repeated and to the same student. It may be teasing/pranking amongst the group that causes harm. 16
  17. 17. Is this Bullying? Paula tells her friends that every time they see Sue she wants them to make a mean face at her. Yes/No? Behaviour Matters 2017 NO It is bullying if it is repeated at the same ‘target/victim’ It may be harassment if it is only once. It is called relational aggression or relational bullying. It may be a result of unresolved conflict. 17
  18. 18. Is this Bullying? The teacher calls to the boys in the class ‘come on girls hop on the bus’ a student asks ‘why are we girls?’ The teacher says ‘look at your hair styles.’ Yes/No? Behaviour Matters 2017 No This is sex based harassment by the teacher. Adults need to model what we want students to learn. 18
  19. 19. How we respond to bullying behaviour is just as important as what happened. • Bullying is a complex issue • Change the language • Model what we want • Work restoratively with kids • Work as a team • Use values to teach the best lesson Behaviour Matters 2017 19
  20. 20. The psychology of restorative practice Behaviour Matters 2017 20
  21. 21. Behaviour Matters 2017 21
  22. 22. Behaviour Matters 2017 22
  23. 23. What just happened in your brain? Behaviour Matters 2017 23 Thoughts? Feelings? Emotions? Sensory input? Behaviours?
  24. 24. Behaviour Matters 2017 24
  25. 25. Behaviour Matters 2017 25
  26. 26. Brain chemistry and responsibility Behaviour Matters 2017 Expect impulsive stuff until I’m about 25 Cortisol Norepinephrine Vasopressin Oxytocin Serotonin Flight Freeze Fight Reflection Empathy Inquiry 26
  27. 27. Big brain: prefrontal cortex, the ‘new’ brain. Mammalian brain Red Zone – Blue Zone Blue Zone relationship: We give & show respect We ask questions We listen We don’t judge Help to consider options Explore ways to fix things We help to manage impulses Restorative & engaging systems Little brain: high levels of stress hormones. Reptilian brain How kids respond: They feel safe They feel respected They are listened to They experience fairness They feel trusted They feel included They take responsibility Seat of optimism Red zone relationship: We use threats We use shame and guilt We reject them We fail to listen We use sarcasm and ridicule We tell kids how to think Judge them as good or bad Traditional & punitive systems How kids respond: They focus on themselves They feel frightened They freeze up & get stuck They fight back They don’t trust us They don’t feel safe The don’t own up Highly pessimistic 27Behaviour Matters 2017
  28. 28. Behaviour Matters 2017 A young brain in action d 28
  29. 29. Work our kids need to do • Disdain and disapproval is healthy • Kids need to do their own “social” work • Kids need to “act out” & practice roles • Teens will heat-seek confrontation • Kids need to learn how to fail…. • Children need support – boundaries & limits, you are still the boss! • Children will act in your best interests 29Behaviour Matters 2017
  30. 30. Children will do & say things to keep the peace….. Behaviour Matters 2017 30
  31. 31. Behaviour Matters 2017 31
  32. 32. Behaviour Matters 2017 32
  33. 33. Behaviour Matters 2017 33
  34. 34. What can parents do to help grow the brain? Dance, music, art, mathematics, language, physical movement, practical activities, helping with jobs at home etc. If we do, and these are repeated and repeated, the brain will lock these in for life. If however, we do not use these synaptic neural growing potentials, they will die away and be ‘pruned’ back. Model, model, model & model! Behaviour Matters 2017 34
  35. 35. Behaviour Matters 2017 The phone call Monday evening........ What do you do next? Questions: • What sort of conversation will you have with your son/daughter? • What would be the ‘right’ questions to ask? • What outcomes do you want for your child and for others? 35
  36. 36. Restorative Practice Values • participation • respect • honesty • humility • interconnectedness • accountability • empowerment • hope Your Family Values • • • • Same page What are the values of Queen of Peace PS? 36
  37. 37. A Window into Parenting Approaches …..what works? Behaviour Matters 2017 Support, nurturing, caring Brick wall Order Control Obedience Rules Hierarchy of power Aggressive energy Blackhawk Poor structures Few boundaries, limits & routines Rescuing & excusing Submarine Physical or Psychological abandonment TO FORNOT WITH Adapted from Wachtel,1999, and Coloroso, 2003 Accountability,boundaries,rules&limitsHigh/Firm High/Fair Backbone Responsibility Respect Cooperative Problem solving Calm & Assertive Restorative parent/teacher Signs you're a Blackhawk parent • You pack your child's school bag so they don't forget anything • You hide in the bushes to spy on your child at lunchtime to see if they're playing with others • You email your child's school to demand your child doesn't have to do a detention • You lobby the school to get your child into a particular class/sporting team/drama production • You text your child when dinner is ready 37
  38. 38. Move away from blame & shame to harm & repair Behaviour Matters 2017 38
  39. 39. • Why didn’t you do the project? • Do you know how much trouble you are in? • You should feel very ashamed of what you have done! • Did you forget the discussion we had last month about honesty? • Go to your room until I decide what should happen to you! Behaviour Matters 2017 39
  40. 40. Restorative Questions - talking • Tell us what happened with the project? • What were you thinking when you weren’t honest with us on Friday night? • Who has been affected?/In what ways? • What have you thought about since? • How can you make things right? • What would be a good plan? Behaviour Matters 2017 40
  41. 41. Behaviour Matters 2017 If we want to change the answers, we need to change the questions….. Talking with young people 41
  42. 42. How do I talk to my kids so they will listen, and listen, so that my kids will talk? • By modelling respect (blue zone), don’t judge • Re-build and repair any relationships that have been strained by the wrongdoing • Use story telling to manage shame and guilt and to develop oral language skills • Ask open questions • Promote the development of empathy for those that they have affected Behaviour Matters 2017 ‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is all well and good, but this happens to be QPPS and we don’t work that way’ 42
  43. 43. Danger phrases…. The uninvited lecture- “When I was your age…….” “If I was in your shoes I would ……” Appeal for common sense- “If they put their head in the fire……” “If your friend jumped off a cliff…….” Leave BUT out of it- “You did well but………” “I like what you did there but….” Empty questions- “How are you feeling………?” “What happened today…….?” Behaviour Matters 2017 43
  44. 44. Ask positive & open questions Behaviour Matters 2017 • What was the best part of your day at school? • Who did you decide to play with today? • Let’s play 2 truths and 1 lie over dinner… • What would you like to tell me about your day? • Can you remember two interesting things that happened with your friends today? • Let me know when you are free so we can chat about our day together. • Can we do a job together and talk? • Others? 44
  45. 45. The end…………………. Behaviour Matters 2017 45