Analysis of Ordering from a Tim Horton’s drive thru is the most basic and simple way to demonstrate good communication:i.e.: Incomplete Data: “I’d like a double double and a chocolate glazed donut”Incomplete Feedback: “coffee with a double cream, double sugar. what size?Additional Data: “a medium, please”Feedback “ A double double medium coffee and a chocolate donut?”Clarifying data: “NO, a LATTE and a chocolate GLAZED donut!”Clarifying Feedback: “a double double medium Latte and a chocolate glazed donut?”Confirming data: “Yes, that is correct”Conclusions: “that will be Three dollars and sixty nine cents, please”NO name calling or sarcastic remarks! How many marriages would be saved and how many children would be spared the trauma of being cut off from a parent if only couples used the simple techniques of communication used at a Tim Horton’s drivethru?
Strengths of Happy vs Unhappy Couples Regarding Communication p 142 Percentage in AgreementCommunication IssueMy partner understands how I feel.93%HC 21% UCMy partner makes comments that put me down.8% HC 64% UCI am very satisfied with how my partner and I talk with each other.97% HC 45% UC4I feel good about how much my partner shares his/her feelings with me.72% HC 15% UC5When we are having a problem, my partner often refuses to talk about it.17% HC 74% UC
Three common styles of CommunicationPassive-- unwilling to honestly show thoughts, feelings, or desiresAggressive—characterized by blaming and accusatory actions: “You Always” “You Never” Assertive: Expressions in Healthy, non-defensive and non-insistent ways Asking clearly what we want: being positive and respectful
Stepmom -- “I would like to spend more time with the children.”” Stepdad -- “Perhaps you could spend one evening alone with them and I can work late at the office.” This encourages the partner to respond positively and assertively.
Communication requires Nurturing and AttentionTry to set aside 5 – 10 minutes daily and 15-20 minutes on weekends to share thoughts and feelings about your day, work, stresses and life together.Use “I” statements avoid “YOU” statements
How many barmaids have heard a man complain that his wife doesn’t understand him? Finally, here is an honest barmaid! “Maybe your wife doesn’t understand you because you don’t make any sense!”
A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. James 3:5-6 (The Message by Eugene Peterson)
Lesson 6 Communication
Percentage of couples in AgreementCommunication Issue Happy Unhappy Couples CouplesMy partner understands how I feel. 93% 21%My partner makes comments that 8% 64%put me down.I am very satisfied with how my 97% 45%partner and I talk with each other.I feel good about how much my 72% 15%partner shares feelings withme.When we are having a problem, my 17% 74%partner often refuses to talk about it.
1. Passive-- unwilling to honestly show thoughts, feelings, or desires2. Aggressive—characterized by blaming and accusatory actions: ―You Always‖ ―You Never‖3. Assertive: Expressions in healthy, non- defensive and non-insistent ways. Asking clearly what we want: being positive and respectful
This encourages the partner to respond positively and assertively. Step mom Father
Try to set aside5 – 10 minutesdaily and 15-20 minuteson weekends to share thoughtsand feelings aboutyour day, work,stresses and life Use “I” statementstogether. avoid “YOU” statements
1. Focus on the good in each other2. Praise each other often3. Take time to listen to understand, not to judge :Reflect before countering.4. Be assertive (using ―I‖ statements rather than ―You‖ statements) No guessing games!5. Give your relationship the importance and attention you did when you first met.
If your partnerdoesn’t understandyou, maybe it’s nother (his) fault! Areyou speaking goodEnglish?
A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the wholehorse. A small rudder on a huge ship in thehands of a skilled captain sets a course in the faceof the strongest winds. A word out of yourmouth may seem of no account, but it canaccomplish nearly anything—or destroy it!It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forestfire. A careless or wrongly placed word out ofyour mouth can do that. By our speech wecan ruin the world, turn harmony tochaos, throw mud on a reputation,send the whole world up in smoke andgo up in smoke with it, smoke rightfrom the pit of hell. James 3:5-6 (The Message) Eugene Peterson
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