SPILL THE BEANS, was a talk show, that VIVACITY Magazine brought out every month. An interactive discussion with youth and students on issues that influence their perspective of life Research & Questions - Arun Khanna Host - Priyanka Karki

1. 82 VIVACITY MAGAZINE • 15 DEC 2011 - 14 JAN 2012 www.vivacitymagazines.com 8315 DEC 2011 - 14 JAN 2012 • VIVACITY MAGAZINEwww.vivacitymagazines.com
On a very recent chilly winter evening, a team of two young students from St. Xavier’s
College (SX) (Matighar) and Himalayan White House (HWH), took the elevator to the 7th
floor of himalayan beanz located at Civil Mall (Sundhara), and over assorted coffee drinks
settled for an interesting exchange of wit and insights on Culture & Sexuality.
Priyanka: Welcome to “Spill the
beans… over a cup of coffee”, And
the topic is sexuality. Since you guys
are aile ko young generation, so you
know a lot more than what the old
generation knew or at least we think
differently. I mean even I’m the
same generation as yours so we’re
talking about sexuality as in sexual
intercourse. Like, why do you think
it’s so difficult to talk about it?
Arishma (SX): If you talk about your
sexuality to others, they think you’re
alikati the ‘howdy’ types. Like the ones
who can talk about it onto the face.
Abhishek (SX): Nepal has always
been a conservative society and then
we Nepalese people, uh, we are careful
about our social status. People think sex
is only after marriage. If we talk about it,
they view it as a very bad thing.
Priyanka: Do you also face the same
problem? At your age, if you have a
girlfriend do you think testai huncha?
Do you think you can talk openly to
her or him about sex?
Arishma (SX): Right from
childhood, our Health
Population teachers who teach
reproduction, have never been
comfortable about teaching
the topic of sex. They tell
us to study the chapters by
ourselves. Say, whether its sex
or a girl’s menstruation, they
do not talk about it at all. So
the students too don’t get to
learn it
Abhishek (SX): Teachers
aside, what about us? We
ourselves are like kind of
educated persons. We have
been learning about sexual
issues and life but we still
refrain from talking about
it? It’s not exactly the people
but more so the culture. The
culture we are brought up in.
Priyanka: But are you guys
comfortable? Do you talk
about sex among your peers
and friends?
Samrath (HWH):
Occasionally
Ngawang (HWH): Not much,
only when the environment
is favorable with friends. Not
as much as other subjects. It’s
very rare.
Samrath (HWH): Even
with parents, while watching
television if a sexual scene
comes up you don’t feel
comfortable. We change that
channel. That’s the kind of
environment among the family
itself. We hesitate to talk about
a boy friend or a girl friend.
Priyanka: Ok, so the main
drawback is society and
culture. Because see, people
think the young generation
aregettingmorewesternized
and modernized. Akdamai
influence airaheko cha, you
know. So what is actually
stopping us? There are so
many people going against
this thing while just a few
who are like ‘this is my life;
I’ll do whatever I want to do’.
So what orients this whole
sexuality ko concept?
Samrath (HWH): We live in
a bit of conservative society
and our ancestors were even
more conservative. So like,
this term called ‘sex’ and
like having partners before
marriage. That’s kind of taboo
as Abhishek said.
Priyanka: Ok, so let me put
aculturalscalefrom1to10.1
being the most conservative,
something like ‘oh my god,
chhuna pani hudaina’ and
10 being its fine, it’s just an
organ that you use. Let’s say
as teams, where would you
put yourself in that scale?
Arishma (SX): I would
definitely put myself at 3 or 4.
Abhishek(SX): Yeah, me too
the same.
Ngawang (HWH): 5
Samrath (HWH): I think I’ll
put myself at 7.
Priyanka: Ok, now share
why. Why you put yourself
into that position?
Samrath (HWH): Because,
uhh, sex is not something
which has to be kept secretive.
Priyanka: So, it’s not a big
deal?
Samrath (HWH): Yeah, its
not a big deal
Priyanka: So do you guys
agree?
Abhishek (SX): No. It’s very
easy to say that “sex is not a big
deal”, it’s a very easy process,
“it’s just an organ” that you
use, but excuse me, we’re live
in the Nepalese society, this
current scenario is all about
westernization, but what
about us? Are we comfortable
about talking about sex in
our daily lives? We’re asked
about intercourse and
“Do you have a girlfriend/
boyfriend?”, but still we
hesitate to reply. Do you
think we’re that open?
Samrath (HWH): No, not
that much
Arishma (SX): So how
can you put yourself at 7?
There are many examples
of rapes going on. You can
see the cause of why that has
happened.
Samrath (HWH): That’s
because society has not opened
up regarding sex. That’s why
I’ve given myself a 7. Because
theremaining3,istomysociety
for being a Nepalese.
Priyanka: But it’s not wrong,
right?Youthinkit’snotwrong?
Samrath(HWH): It’s not just
about consciousness because
our society does matter. We
cannot say “I don’t care about
the society” Its how the society
works.
Abhishek(SX): You’re saying
society matters and then at the
same time you are saying that
its how a society works. So like,
where are we?
Ngawang (HWH): I said 5 –
that’s equal. It’s in between.
Abhishek (SX): I’m talking
about you (to Abhishek)
(all laugh)
Priyanka: Ok, so what do
you girls say?
Arishma(SX):Society, because
like, uhh, it’s something very
embarrassing. If you find out
thats/heisnotavirginatall,you
would feel awkward. Nowadays,
youcan’ttellwhetherapersonis
a virgin might be, might be not.
It’samatterofconcern
Priyanka: if a person was
not a virgin, would you
consider dating them?
Samrath(HWH): Well, might
be the same person who we’ve
been dating or whom we’ve
had our sexual intercourse
with.
Priyanka: what if you’ve
changed a girl?
Samrath (HWH): that
depends from person to
person.
Abhishek (SX): Until and
unless you are in that orthodox
practice and you have a
wife who has not had any
boyfriends.
Samrath(HWH): what about
you? How are you going to
marry a girl who is not a virgin
at all? I don’t think you are.
Abhishek(SX): Yeah. I don’t
want my wife or fiancée having
sex with anyone else.
Priyanka: Let’s not go after
marriage, let’s talk about
before marriage. Before
marriage, when you date
somebodywhohasbeenwith
someone else for a while, or
you know, you’ve been with
somebody else for a while, so
do you have sex?
Arishma(SX): Not really.
Abhishek(SX): No.
BEANS....
OVER A CUP
OF COFFEE!
At himalayan beanz
Hosted byPiryanka Karki
Priyanka had it rolling, as
steam and frost lifted off
from the coffee cups.SPILL
THE
82 83VIVACITY MAGAZINE • 15 DEC 2011 - 14 JAN 2012 15 DEC 2011 - 14 JAN 2012 • VIVACITY MAGAZINEwww.vivacitymagazines.com www.vivacitymagazines.com
Samrath
himalayan beanz

2. 84 VIVACITY MAGAZINE • 15 DEC 2011 - 14 JAN 2012 www.vivacitymagazines.com 8515 DEC 2011 - 14 JAN 2012 • VIVACITY MAGAZINEwww.vivacitymagazines.com
Priyanka: So what if you’ve
fallen in love with someone
and you find out that s/he is
not a virgin?
Arishma (SX): : I’ve got a
friend, she wasn’t a virgin by
the way, and later on what
happened, she broke up with
her boyfriend and started
dating the next guy, after a
while she confessed that she
was not a virgin. Luckily, the
boy was also not a virgin. In
this way, both of them could
stay together. But I don’t think
it’s the same case with all the
people. Some people might
agree with their girlfriends
who have lost their virginity or
some people may not agree.
Abhishek (SX): Asking your
own girlfriend/boyfriend
whether they’re a virgin is an
awkward question and then
we living in a Nepalese society.
Love is commercialized. If
you in your teens don’t have
a girlfriend, you get teased.
They’re like “Oh my god, s/
he doesn’t have a girlfriend/
boyfriend!”. In Nepalese
context, you target one girl and
go after her and you both fall in
love in a couple of days.
Priyanka: You all agree
with that?
Ngawang (HWH): Right
now, the youth have been
kind of like socializing , “Ok,
I have this many boyfriends/
girlfriends. And being a virgin
or not depends on whether
that person was truly in love
or not or whether that person
is just fooling around. That too
needstobetakenintoaccount.
Abhishek (SX): If you’re not
a virgin then you date and
then after some time become
physical and still say that I’m
a virgin, I guess then no one is
really open if s/he is a virgin or
not. But everyone wants to say
that they are virgins.
Priyanka: What about the
agefactor? Sometimesyou’re
like 25 and you think “Oh my
god, I’m still a virgin”
Samrath (HWH): That comes
from the western culture.
Because we Nepalese copy
the western style and fashion.
In movies, we see these actors
and actresses having sex before
marriage or living together
before marriage.
Abhishek(SX): So why are we
copying the western culture?
Having premarital sex, living
with each other. Why are they
doing it?
Priyanka:Imeanlikepeople
are doing it half-heartedly.
You do have sex and when
you’re caught, you say no.
or You’re 25 and have no
girlfriend and are still a
virgin, you feel very low. All
these concepts originate
from the west. So when all
this has come in, why are so
many young people like you
who believe in it, are raising
yourself so low on the sex
scale? Is it family, pressure,
something people would say?
Abhishek (SX): Obviously,
family.
Samrath (HWH): I have a
girlfriend, and when we were
roamingaroundNewRoad,just
holding hands , some relatives
of mine saw, they called up my
parents and told everything.
Then at night, when I returned
to the hostel (I live in a hostel),
I got a call from my mom and
she was like so serious and she
started a drama – she started
crying. She said “someone
calledmeandtheysaidthatyou
and a girl were holding hands, is
that the way I raised you up?” I
had no answer.
Priyanka: but then if you
do get caught in situations
like this, how do you handle
this with your parents? Do
you think that people in our
country have reached that
phase where we can openly
tell our parents that “yeah,
I’mdating”orthatyouinvited
your girlfriend/boyfriend
homeforlunchordinner?
Samrath (HWH): Most of the
time we lie.
Arishma(SX):Whathappened
was like I told my mom in the
beginning and I’ve not told my
brother yet, he’s in Darjeeling.
One day, he called me when I
was with my boyfriend. We had
a serious discussion and I told
him that I was in love with him.
Inthisway,Iamsincerewithmy
familyeventhoughtheyagreeor
not.
Ngawang (HWH): I think it’s
easier talking with mother or
sister more than male people
in the family. You can’t talk
these matters to your brother
or father. Brothers are stricter
about sisters going out. It
also depends on like how
experienced your parents
are. My father had been in
relationships with girls. He
can understand me. But if your
parents are from that tradition
where there were strictly no
boyfriends and girlfriends then
there might be problems in
understanding.
Priyanka: So do you think
you’ll be better parents with
this knowledge?
Abhishek(SX): Certainly
Priyanka: If you have a son
or a daughter, and they bring
their girlfriend/ boyfriend
homeoritgetssocasual,they
start having sex, how would
you handle it? What would
you do when they come up to
you and say “hey dad, I just
had sex”. “Yeah really?”
Samrath (HWH): I don’t
think we’ll grow that casual in
the next 20 years.
Arishma (SX): Girlfriends
and boyfriends are fine but I
wouldn’t find it comfortable if
my son or daughter is sleeping
with someone.
Abhishek (SX): We will be
linear than our parents but not
that much linear that we’ll talk
like “hey son, did you sleep with
your girlfriend? How was it?”.
(All laugh)
Priyanka:I’mnotsayingthat
I’m so sure but I consider that
all of you never did anything
toagirloraboyright?ButI’m
sure you’ll never say it to your
parents if you did too. I’m not
talking about sex here. So in
the back of your mind, you
know that your kids would’ve
definitelydoneit.
(Everyone agrees)
Priyanka: The thought
that 20 years down the line
you’ll know the facts because
you’ve been there, done that.
You’ll know when you see
your son with his girlfriend
you can easily sense the
chemistry they share and tell
how close they are. But what
about when you guys are
doing it? Is it not wrong?
Abhishek(SX): Maybe we are
a bit selfish?
Priyanka: it is okay to be a
little selfish.
Arishma (SX): Even if the
world changes and our kids
are more modern than us, we
would still be a bit hesitant and
tell our kids not to tell others.
Priyanka: Ok, a point
comes when you are dating,
away from home or family
and it comes to a situation
where it leads to having sex,
how would you handle it?
Arishma(SX): (laughs) that’s
a very difficult question.
(Everyone agrees and laughs)
Priyanka: it’s just a
question. I mean, how would
you handle it if it led to being
a little more intimate than
usual?
Samrath (HWH): that
depends upon sex partners,
no? If they are both ok with
it then no problem but if
someone is not prepared
for that then there might be
a misunderstanding. There
has to be an understanding
between the two.
Abhishek(SX): But they have
to be careful that it doesn’t
lead to anything wrong or bad
in the future. If my girlfriend
doesn’t wanna do it I can’t just
force her.
Arishma (SX): the fear of
inexperience comes in then.
Like you think “oh he’s so
experienced and I’m not”.
Priyanka: I’m sure you’ve
had friends who have come
up to you and confessed
about having sex. How did
you react to it?
Arishma (SX): My friend
came and told me about that. I
was shocked.
Samrath (HWH): Same
here. Even when my friend
told me that he has had sex
with so many girls, even with
girls younger than him. I was
like “how can you do that?”
I stayed up the whole night
thinking about it.
Priyanka: is having sex for
thefirsttimeabigdealorisit
in the progression of things
like learning to drive? How
would you perceive it?
Abhishek(SX): It’s a big thing
for me. I am a very reserved
person. I think of my family
and friends before getting
involved in these activities.
It also depends on the other
person; she may not be
mentally prepared.
Samrath (HWH): if we both
are ok with it, then it’s fine.
Only do it if both are prepared.
Arishma(SX): If the two are
madly in love then its ok. It’s
not a big thing for me.
Priyanka: At what age do
you think the pressure to
have sex become strong?
Where does this pressure
come from?
Abhishek (SX): Probably
Bachelor’s level. The age would
be 21 +. Pressure comes from
peer groups, physical contact,
restrictions.
Arishma(SX): Ithinkits18-19,
also after class 10. The pressure
comes from friends, stuff we
readinbiology,restrictions.
Priyanka: Guys, what do
you enjoy about being a
male? What is difficult?
Abhishek (SX): The greatest
advantage is freedom. You
can come home late. You are
also given pocket money.
You can ask for anything. Our
parents have the perception
that we are their care takers.
The difficulties are that we
are imposed with a lot of
responsibilities towards family,
girlfriends and nation.
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(Concept: Arun Khanna
Student Coordination: Surokshya Manandhar & Krisha Pradhan)
(Do you think enough beans were spilt? Conversations have a
strange way of coming back full circle. Did this one too? Which
campus team packed more punch, who sounded genuine or cheesy?
Choose the winners of the conversation
You can vote for the team you liked, between 16th
Dec ‘11 to 5th
Jan ‘12
For the team from St. Xavier’s College - Type
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And a souvenir Coffee Mug each!
Samrath (HWH): I agree
its freedom. In my family,
after my father, (even though
my mom is there) I’m like
the head so there are a lot of
responsibilities.
Priyanka: Girls, what do
you enjoy about being a
female? What is difficult?
Arishma (SX): We get more
priority. There are more
options. The difficulties are that
we get less freedom and when
our parents give us freedom,
our relatives take it negatively.
Society oppresses women.
Priyanka: Ok, that’s it then
for the moment. It was very
interesting talking to you all.
Take care, and continue to spill
the beans, if you feel up to it.
Is having sex for the first
time a big deal or is it in
the progression of things
like learning to drive? How
would you perceive it?
Abhishek
Ngawang
Arishma