Funny Stuﬀ My Kids Have Said My kids are hilarious. Read on for examples of why hanging out with them is more entertaining than a night at the Improv. By TammySF, G and O’s mom
Dad: Are fairies real? O: No, they’re imagination. Except the tooth fairy. Dad: Why are tooth fairies real? O: Because they give me money when I put my tooth under the pillow. Dad: How do you know it’s the tooth fairy? O: Who else would give me money for my tooth? O, who believes in anyone that gives him money. Age 7.
O: Charlie is British. Dad: Are Charlie’s parents British? O: No Dad: Is Charlie from England? O: No Dad: Why is Charlie British, then? O: Because he speaks British! O, describing his American friend Charlie, who speaks with a lisp. Age 7.
Being dead is boring!! All you do is close your eyes and look at the dark. O says a=er tes>ng out “being dead” by closing his eyes for 5 seconds. Age 7.
WAITER (turning to O): What kind of pasta would you like? We can make you any kind. O: I want the tae bo pasta! O, reques>ng farfalle (aka “bow >e”) pasta. Age 6.
They sleep on the ground, eat bugs and snakes and they wear brown bikinis. O, educa>ng his sister about “jungle people.” Age 6.
O (proudly): I wrote in my journal at school that I am responsible because I make my bed every morning. DAD (looking dubious): You make your bed every morning? O (long silence): I was going to write “sometimes.” O, learning the diﬀerence between a lie and stretching the truth. Age 6.
Sweeeeet ride!! O exclaims a=er jumping into the back seat of a rental car, the ever-‐fancy Toyota Corolla. Age 6.
Mommy, you’re being too harsh... Like a stepmother. O, likely watching too many Disney movies. Age 6.
G: I hate my brother. ME: No you don’t. Deep down, you love him. G: No, really. My heart is throwing up. G, who would rather have a younger sister. Age 7.
Is naked waterproof?! O asks a=er he spills water on his bare chest. Age 6.
Mommy, did they have shoes when you were a kid? G, who then asks, “How about toilet paper?” followed by “what about closets?” Age 7.
Does summer school mean you learn about summer? O, just wan>ng to get the facts straight. Age 6.
I don’t want to go to Italy because everything’s broken there. Overheard while G was talking with her friend Chloe, who uPered these very literal words. Age 7.
O: I want to be a grownup. DAD: Why do you want to be a grownup? O: So I can be a race car driver. DAD: You should eat broccoli then. O: Does broccoli help me grow up? DAD: Yes. O (pondering): I think I like being a kid for now. O, realizing the high cost of growing up. Age 5.
If the people don’t listen to you, do you give them time out? O asks me a=er mee>ng my co-‐workers at the oﬃce. Age 5. My reply: “I wish.”
He always says he’ll put them outside but really he just puts them in the trashcan. G, calling out her dad, the self-‐professed animal lover, as he transfers a captured spider outdoors. Age 6.
O: I’m hungry DAD: I have only green, healthy food. O: I’m not hungry anymore. DAD: Are you sure? O: I’m hungry again in two minutes. Will you still have green food then? O, again slyly trying to avoid the greens. Age 5.
G: Where are we going? ME: We’re exploring our new neighborhood. It’s nice to explore and discover new things. G: Can we explore a restaurant? I’m hungry. G, whose favorite vaca>on is room service. Age 6.
Don’t forget to get me a present!! O, who clearly associates airports with his mom traveling, yells while he’s going through security and waving back at me. Age 5.
They’re not toys, Mommy. They’re reptiles. O, the liPle debater, on why his dinosaurs should not be classiﬁed as toys and therefore not be put away. Age 5.
They build plants and squeeze cows. Clearly the city kid, O’s answer to “what do farmers do?” Age 5.
ME: Your teacher wants you to bring in your favorite book to class tomorrow. G: Why? ME: So she can get to know you better. G: Why? I’m not in the book. G, second week of ﬁrst grade. Age 6.
Dad, why are they speaking English? Don’t they have their own language? G, walking through the airport in Texas. Age 6.
Noooo, Mommy! Houses belong on sidewalks! G, when I ask her if we should buy a house on Lake Street. Age 4.
Mommy, the pee and poop are racing… and the pee wins! O, giving the play-‐by-‐play as he’s hunched over the toilet. Age 4.
I’m G, and this is my best friend, Mommy. G, introducing herself (and me) when a neighbor asks her name. Age 3.
Hiiiiii, Giant!! O, very loudly addressing and waving to a very tall man as he walks by. Age 3.
Mommy, you have spider webs in your eyes! G, staring into my eyes a=er my sleepless night spent working. Age 3.
Michelle Nott: Living in Belgium, English is our ‘fallback’language when speaking to other international expats.When we went back to Ohio for a visit, my daughter (thenonly 3) asked, “Why does everyone only speak English?”
Liberty Newsprint: We live near one of the Occupy WallStreet Encampments – while passing in the car – duringThanksgiving week our 4 year old, our of the blue, said “I’mgoing to send those people a card saying – I’m verythankful for the government.”SUZANNER: My three year old daughter asked me uponseeing her dad ride his bicycle to work: “Don’t daddy’s feetget dizzy?”
MICHAEL MORRISH: Here’s one my now 17 year old saidwhen he was three. I guess I was having a difficult daywhen I was between jobs. He was sitting on the couchwatching Mr. Roger’s. “Dad?” I heard him say. I looked overand he patted the couch, inviting me to sit next to him.“What’s up Ty?” I asked. He replied, “take your butt off yourface and give it to someone else.” I guess I was walkingaround with a S*** look on my face. Sage words from achild.
HELENWINSLOW: Just discovered our kindergartner, whois learning Our Father, thinks it goes like this: “Our Father,Who Art in Heaven, Hollywood by they Name.”CWDOWDY: Conversation overheard between my 7 yearold twins. Proof the anti-smoking effort at school is aliveand well, and they’re watching Dad too. “Dad went to thegrocery. I hope he got some good food.” Yeah,” said Jack.“I hope he didn’t get just beer.” “He always gets beer,” saidWilkins. “That’s cause he is da-dicted.” “He’s da-dicted tobeer because of the nicotine.” “There isn’t nicotine in beer,”Wilkins said. “MOM! Is there nicotine in beer?”
IPEBBLE: My older cousins were having an argument,when the youngest one walks in (3) and goes, "Nobodylikes me because I drink juice!" it was priceless, and soadorable!SABAKUVIOLIST: On a family car ride my sister was sittingin the front seat between my parents. She asked Momwhen shed last seen a movie. Mom told her itd been aboutfive years. Sister, openmouthed, looks up at Dad and says"You need to give the old bag more time off!"
MLAIRD: When pulling up to the country club one Sundayfor brunch, M turns to me and says “Are we at theretirement home?”KENOSIS23: My sister was three or four, we were driving inthe country and happened to pass a field in which sheepwere pasturing. "Look, see the ewes,” my dad said to mysister. To which she replied, “them aint mes.”MANDM3808: 6-year old to his brother: “Do I have to sealyour mouth with goose tape?”
HELENWINSLOW: Ten-year-old daughter who singsaround the house was wandering around trilling theadvertising jingle "Paramount Equity/Lends with integrity"but her version was: "Paramount Equity, Living in jeopardy”HELENWINSLOW: “Mom, was there anyone famous alivewhen you were little, like, you know, George Washington?”HELENWINSLOW: Seven-year-old racing excitedly out ofthe bathroom: “Daddy! I had demi-puke! I wanted to throwup and I almost did but I couldnt!”
DOUGWORM: Our young sons uncle Chris had beenplaying with him and his little Nerf football and would poisethe ball to throw saying "go out for a pass" So the next timewe all got together our boy runs in with his football andsays to his uncle "Uncle Chris, go pass out" we still laughabout it to this day.Another time we took a long drive to visit grandparents andalong the way we drove through some cattle areas, therewas a stand a trees and several cows laying in the shadechewing cud and staying cool. Our son was impressed andtells us matter of factly "look, the cows are having a picnic”