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  1. 1. Funny  Stuff  My  Kids  Have  Said   My  kids  are  hilarious.     Read  on  for  examples  of   why  hanging  out  with  them   is  more  entertaining  than  a   night  at  the  Improv.     By  TammySF,  G  and  O’s  mom
  2. 2. Dad:  Are  fairies  real?    O:  No,  they’re  imagination.  Except  the  tooth  fairy.  Dad:  Why  are  tooth  fairies  real?  O:  Because  they  give  me  money  when  I  put  my  tooth  under  the  pillow.  Dad:  How  do  you  know  it’s  the  tooth  fairy?  O:  Who  else  would  give  me  money  for  my  tooth?  O,  who  believes  in  anyone  that  gives  him  money.  Age  7.    
  3. 3. O:  Charlie  is  British.   Dad:  Are  Charlie’s  parents  British?   O:  No   Dad:  Is  Charlie  from  England?   O:  No   Dad:  Why  is  Charlie  British,  then?   O:  Because  he  speaks  British!  O,  describing  his  American  friend  Charlie,  who  speaks  with  a  lisp.  Age  7.    
  4. 4. Being  dead  is  boring!!  All   you  do  is  close  your  eyes   and  look  at  the  dark.  O  says  a=er  tes>ng  out  “being  dead”  by  closing  his  eyes  for  5  seconds.  Age  7.      
  5. 5. WAITER  (turning  to  O):  What  kind  of  pasta  would  you  like?  We  can  make  you  any  kind.  O:  I  want  the  tae  bo  pasta!  O,  reques>ng  farfalle  (aka  “bow  >e”)  pasta.  Age  6.    
  6. 6. They  sleep  on  the  ground,  eat  bugs   and  snakes  and  they  wear  brown   bikinis.    O,  educa>ng  his  sister  about  “jungle  people.”  Age  6.    
  7. 7. O  (proudly):  I  wrote  in  my  journal  at  school  that  I  am  responsible  because  I  make  my  bed  every  morning.  DAD  (looking  dubious):  You  make  your  bed  every  morning?  O  (long  silence):  I  was  going  to  write  “sometimes.”   O,  learning  the  difference  between  a  lie  and  stretching  the   truth.  Age  6.    
  8. 8. Sweeeeet  ride!!  O  exclaims  a=er  jumping  into  the  back  seat  of  a  rental  car,  the  ever-­‐fancy  Toyota  Corolla.  Age  6.      
  9. 9. Mommy,  you’re  being  too   harsh...  Like  a  stepmother.  O,  likely  watching  too  many  Disney  movies.  Age  6.    
  10. 10. G:  I  hate  my  brother.  ME:  No  you  don’t.  Deep  down,  you  love  him.  G:  No,  really.  My  heart  is  throwing  up.  G,  who  would  rather  have  a  younger  sister.  Age  7.    
  11. 11. Is  naked  waterproof?!  O  asks  a=er  he  spills  water  on  his  bare  chest.  Age  6.      
  12. 12. Mommy,  did  they  have   shoes  when  you  were  a   kid?  G,  who  then  asks,  “How  about  toilet  paper?”  followed  by  “what  about  closets?”  Age  7.      
  13. 13. Does  summer  school  mean   you  learn  about  summer?    O,  just  wan>ng  to  get  the  facts  straight.  Age  6.    
  14. 14. I  don’t  want  to  go  to  Italy   because  everything’s  broken   there.  Overheard  while  G  was  talking  with  her  friend  Chloe,  who  uPered  these  very  literal  words.  Age  7.        
  15. 15. O:  I  want  to  be  a  grownup.  DAD:  Why  do  you  want  to  be  a  grownup?  O:  So  I  can  be  a  race  car  driver.  DAD:  You  should  eat  broccoli  then.  O:  Does  broccoli  help  me  grow  up?  DAD:  Yes.  O  (pondering):  I  think  I  like  being  a  kid  for  now.   O,  realizing  the  high  cost  of  growing  up.  Age  5.    
  16. 16. If  the  people  don’t  listen  to   you,  do  you  give  them  time   out?  O  asks  me  a=er  mee>ng  my  co-­‐workers  at  the  office.  Age  5.    My  reply:  “I  wish.”  
  17. 17. He  always  says  he’ll  put  them   outside  but  really  he  just  puts   them  in  the  trashcan.  G,  calling  out  her  dad,  the  self-­‐professed  animal  lover,  as  he  transfers  a  captured  spider  outdoors.  Age  6.    
  18. 18. O:  I’m  hungry  DAD:  I  have  only  green,  healthy  food.  O:  I’m  not  hungry  anymore.  DAD:  Are  you  sure?  O:  I’m  hungry  again  in  two  minutes.  Will  you  still  have  green  food  then?   O,  again  slyly  trying  to  avoid  the  greens.  Age  5.    
  19. 19. G:  Where  are  we  going?    ME:  We’re  exploring  our  new  neighborhood.  It’s  nice  to  explore  and  discover  new  things.  G:  Can  we  explore  a  restaurant?  I’m  hungry.   G,  whose  favorite  vaca>on  is  room  service.  Age  6.      
  20. 20. Don’t  forget  to  get     me  a  present!!  O,  who  clearly  associates  airports  with  his  mom  traveling,  yells  while  he’s  going  through  security  and  waving  back  at  me.  Age  5.      
  21. 21. They’re  not  toys,  Mommy.   They’re  reptiles.    O,  the  liPle  debater,  on  why  his  dinosaurs  should  not  be  classified  as  toys  and  therefore  not  be  put  away.  Age  5.    
  22. 22. They  build  plants  and   squeeze  cows.    Clearly  the  city  kid,  O’s  answer  to  “what  do  farmers  do?”  Age  5.    
  23. 23. ME:  Your  teacher  wants  you  to  bring  in  your  favorite  book  to  class  tomorrow.    G:  Why?    ME:  So  she  can  get  to  know  you  better.    G:  Why?  I’m  not  in  the  book.     G,  second  week  of  first  grade.  Age  6.      
  24. 24. Dad,  why  are  they  speaking   English?  Don’t  they  have  their  own   language?  G,  walking  through  the  airport  in  Texas.  Age  6.      
  25. 25. Noooo,  Mommy!     Houses  belong  on  sidewalks!  G,  when  I  ask  her  if  we  should  buy  a  house  on  Lake  Street.  Age  4.      
  26. 26. Mommy,  the  pee  and  poop  are   racing…  and  the  pee  wins!    O,  giving  the  play-­‐by-­‐play  as  he’s  hunched  over  the  toilet.  Age  4.    
  27. 27. I’m  G,  and  this  is  my  best   friend,  Mommy.    G,  introducing  herself  (and  me)  when  a  neighbor  asks  her  name.  Age  3.    
  28. 28. Hiiiiii,  Giant!!  O,  very  loudly  addressing  and  waving  to  a  very  tall  man  as  he  walks  by.  Age  3.      
  29. 29. Mommy,  you  have  spider   webs  in  your  eyes!    G,  staring  into  my  eyes  a=er  my  sleepless  night  spent  working.  Age  3.    
  30. 30. Contributions from the Scribd community!
  31. 31. Michelle Nott: Living in Belgium, English is our ‘fallback’language when speaking to other international expats.When we went back to Ohio for a visit, my daughter (thenonly 3) asked, “Why does everyone only speak English?”
  32. 32. Liberty Newsprint: We live near one of the Occupy WallStreet Encampments – while passing in the car – duringThanksgiving week our 4 year old, our of the blue, said “I’mgoing to send those people a card saying – I’m verythankful for the government.”SUZANNER: My three year old daughter asked me uponseeing her dad ride his bicycle to work: “Don’t daddy’s feetget dizzy?”
  33. 33. MICHAEL MORRISH: Here’s one my now 17 year old saidwhen he was three. I guess I was having a difficult daywhen I was between jobs. He was sitting on the couchwatching Mr. Roger’s. “Dad?” I heard him say. I looked overand he patted the couch, inviting me to sit next to him.“What’s up Ty?” I asked. He replied, “take your butt off yourface and give it to someone else.” I guess I was walkingaround with a S*** look on my face. Sage words from achild.
  34. 34. HELENWINSLOW: Just discovered our kindergartner, whois learning Our Father, thinks it goes like this: “Our Father,Who Art in Heaven, Hollywood by they Name.”CWDOWDY: Conversation overheard between my 7 yearold twins. Proof the anti-smoking effort at school is aliveand well, and they’re watching Dad too. “Dad went to thegrocery. I hope he got some good food.” Yeah,” said Jack.“I hope he didn’t get just beer.” “He always gets beer,” saidWilkins. “That’s cause he is da-dicted.” “He’s da-dicted tobeer because of the nicotine.” “There isn’t nicotine in beer,”Wilkins said. “MOM! Is there nicotine in beer?”
  35. 35. IPEBBLE: My older cousins were having an argument,when the youngest one walks in (3) and goes, "Nobodylikes me because I drink juice!" it was priceless, and soadorable!SABAKUVIOLIST: On a family car ride my sister was sittingin the front seat between my parents. She asked Momwhen shed last seen a movie. Mom told her itd been aboutfive years. Sister, openmouthed, looks up at Dad and says"You need to give the old bag more time off!"
  36. 36. MLAIRD: When pulling up to the country club one Sundayfor brunch, M turns to me and says “Are we at theretirement home?”KENOSIS23: My sister was three or four, we were driving inthe country and happened to pass a field in which sheepwere pasturing. "Look, see the ewes,” my dad said to mysister. To which she replied, “them aint mes.”MANDM3808: 6-year old to his brother: “Do I have to sealyour mouth with goose tape?”
  37. 37. HELENWINSLOW: Ten-year-old daughter who singsaround the house was wandering around trilling theadvertising jingle "Paramount Equity/Lends with integrity"but her version was: "Paramount Equity, Living in jeopardy”HELENWINSLOW: “Mom, was there anyone famous alivewhen you were little, like, you know, George Washington?”HELENWINSLOW: Seven-year-old racing excitedly out ofthe bathroom: “Daddy! I had demi-puke! I wanted to throwup and I almost did but I couldnt!”
  38. 38. DOUGWORM: Our young sons uncle Chris had beenplaying with him and his little Nerf football and would poisethe ball to throw saying "go out for a pass" So the next timewe all got together our boy runs in with his football andsays to his uncle "Uncle Chris, go pass out" we still laughabout it to this day.Another time we took a long drive to visit grandparents andalong the way we drove through some cattle areas, therewas a stand a trees and several cows laying in the shadechewing cud and staying cool. Our son was impressed andtells us matter of factly "look, the cows are having a picnic”