Overindulgence & Teaching Responsibility Facilitated by Lori Zierl Pierce County UW-Extension Family Living Agent
What Is Overindulgence? <ul><li>Giving children too much, too soon, too long  </li></ul><ul><li>Giving things or experienc...
What Is Overindulgence?  (Continued) <ul><li>Giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children ...
What Is Overindulgence?  (Continued) <ul><li>Overindulgence is doing or having so much of something that it does active ha...
What Is Overindulgence?  (Continued) <ul><li>Overindulgence is a form of child neglect </li></ul><ul><li>It hinders childr...
Are You Overindulgent? <ul><li>Do you suspect that you might be overindulging your children? </li></ul>
Overindulgence <ul><li>Undercuts self-discipline </li></ul>
Clues to Overindulgence <ul><li>Hinders child from learning tasks that support development and learning </li></ul><ul><li>...
Hazards of Overindulgence <ul><li>Trouble learning delayed gratification </li></ul><ul><li>Trouble giving up being the cen...
Hazards of Overindulgence  (continued) <ul><li>Trouble taking personal responsibility </li></ul><ul><li>Trouble developing...
What is Enough? <ul><li>Too Little </li></ul><ul><li>Enough </li></ul><ul><li>Abundance </li></ul><ul><li>Too Much </li></ul>
Who Overindulged? <ul><li>Both parents 43% </li></ul><ul><li>Mom 42% </li></ul><ul><li>Dad 11% </li></ul><ul><li>Grandmoth...
How Were Children Overindulged? <ul><li>53% Having things done for child </li></ul><ul><li>41% Clothes </li></ul><ul><li>3...
Reasons Parents Overindulged <ul><li>49%  Issues stemming from the parent  </li></ul><ul><li>18%  Death of a loved one </l...
Areas of Overindulgence <ul><li>Too many things </li></ul><ul><li>Over-nurturing </li></ul><ul><li>Soft structure </li></ul>
Too Many Things <ul><li>Clothes 41% </li></ul><ul><li>Toys 35% </li></ul><ul><li>Lessons 22% </li></ul><ul><li>Entertainme...
Too Many Clothes <ul><li>“ I’ve got nothing to wear.” </li></ul>
Too Many Toys <ul><li>Children’s play is children’s work </li></ul><ul><li>Are today’s toys merely preparing children to b...
Too Many Activities <ul><li>“ Many families are over-scheduled outside the family and under-scheduled inside the family.” ...
Look For Balance
What is Nurturing? <ul><li>All the ways we provide for the soft needs’ love, touch, warmth, attention, support, stimulatio...
Over-nurtured Adults Say… <ul><li>Parents did things for me that I should have done myself </li></ul><ul><li>Parents gave ...
Too Much Over-nurturing <ul><li>Nurturing becomes overindulgence when it involves doing things for children they are able ...
Over-nurturing <ul><li>When parents over-function for a child able to function for herself, the child tends to under-funct...
What is Structure? <ul><li>Structure is the firm side, the “how to” of care </li></ul><ul><li>It’s the bones </li></ul>
Overindulged Adults Say… <ul><li>Parents did not expect me to do chores </li></ul><ul><li>Not expected to learn same skill...
Too Soft Structure <ul><li>No rules </li></ul><ul><li>Not enforcing the rules </li></ul><ul><li>No chores </li></ul><ul><l...
Why is Soft Structure a Form of Overindulgence? <ul><li>Children fail to learn important life skills </li></ul><ul><li>The...
What is Firm Structure? <ul><li>Reasonable rules that are consistently enforced </li></ul><ul><li>Mastery of skills </li><...
How to Establish Structure <ul><li>Set limits, boundaries, and standards with rules </li></ul><ul><li>Enforce the rules wi...
What is a Rule? <ul><li>“ A principle or standard to which an action conforms.” </li></ul>
Chores <ul><li>The expectation that a child will do chores lets a child know that he is valued as a contributing member of...
Too Much Freedom <ul><li>Scary for an inexperienced child </li></ul><ul><li>Expects children to handle people and situatio...
Good Freedom <ul><li>Allows children to explore or experiment within the bounds of safety and their abilities </li></ul><u...
How to Develop  Responsibility  in Children <ul><li>Be a responsible person (role model) </li></ul><ul><li>Communicate exp...
Developing Responsibility   (Continued) <ul><li>Offer encouragement, love, and attention </li></ul><ul><li>Let children kn...
Developing Responsibility   (Continued) <ul><li>Responsibility should be age appropriate </li></ul><ul><li>Allow for conse...
Developing Responsibility   (Continued) <ul><li>Allow for mistakes and imperfections </li></ul><ul><li>Set limits and give...
Remember… <ul><li>Resist redoing a task done by a child </li></ul><ul><li>Divide a task into smaller parts to help a child...
Resources <ul><li>How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Res...
Resources  <ul><li>When Is Enough, Enough?: What You Can Do If You Never Feel Satisfied. </li></ul><ul><li>Meyerson and As...
Lori Zierl, Family Living Agent <ul><li>UW-Extension Pierce County </li></ul><ul><li>Pierce County Office Building </li></...
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Overindulgence2005

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  • The research behind this presentation on overindulgence is based on three separate research studies conducted by Illsley, Clarke, and Bredehoft with a combined 1,195 participants. The studies showed a strong link between childhood overindulgence and lack of important like-skills and unhelpful attitudes and beliefs in later like.
  • Overindulgence2005

    1. 1. Overindulgence & Teaching Responsibility Facilitated by Lori Zierl Pierce County UW-Extension Family Living Agent
    2. 2. What Is Overindulgence? <ul><li>Giving children too much, too soon, too long </li></ul><ul><li>Giving things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age, interests and talents </li></ul><ul><li>Giving things to children to meet the adult’s needs, not the child’s needs </li></ul>
    3. 3. What Is Overindulgence? (Continued) <ul><li>Giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children </li></ul><ul><li>Children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty </li></ul>
    4. 4. What Is Overindulgence? (Continued) <ul><li>Overindulgence is doing or having so much of something that it does active harm or at least stagnates and deprives that person of achieving their full potential </li></ul>
    5. 5. What Is Overindulgence? (Continued) <ul><li>Overindulgence is a form of child neglect </li></ul><ul><li>It hinders children from doing their developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons </li></ul><ul><li>( How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft) </li></ul>
    6. 6. Are You Overindulgent? <ul><li>Do you suspect that you might be overindulging your children? </li></ul>
    7. 7. Overindulgence <ul><li>Undercuts self-discipline </li></ul>
    8. 8. Clues to Overindulgence <ul><li>Hinders child from learning tasks that support development and learning </li></ul><ul><li>Gives disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children </li></ul><ul><li>Benefits adult more than child </li></ul><ul><li>Child’s behavior potentially harm others, society, or the planet in some way </li></ul><ul><li>( How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft) </li></ul>
    9. 9. Hazards of Overindulgence <ul><li>Trouble learning delayed gratification </li></ul><ul><li>Trouble giving up being the center of attention </li></ul><ul><li>Trouble becoming competent in: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Everyday skills </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Self-care skills </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Skill of relating to others </li></ul></ul>
    10. 10. Hazards of Overindulgence (continued) <ul><li>Trouble taking personal responsibility </li></ul><ul><li>Trouble developing a sense of personal identity </li></ul><ul><li>Trouble knowing what is enough </li></ul><ul><li>Trouble knowing what is normal for other people </li></ul><ul><li>( How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft) </li></ul>
    11. 11. What is Enough? <ul><li>Too Little </li></ul><ul><li>Enough </li></ul><ul><li>Abundance </li></ul><ul><li>Too Much </li></ul>
    12. 12. Who Overindulged? <ul><li>Both parents 43% </li></ul><ul><li>Mom 42% </li></ul><ul><li>Dad 11% </li></ul><ul><li>Grandmother 4% </li></ul><ul><li>( How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft) </li></ul>
    13. 13. How Were Children Overindulged? <ul><li>53% Having things done for child </li></ul><ul><li>41% Clothes </li></ul><ul><li>36% Privileges </li></ul><ul><li>35% Toys </li></ul><ul><li>32% Allowed to dominate family </li></ul><ul><li>32% Not having to learn skills that were expected of other children </li></ul><ul><li>( How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft) </li></ul>
    14. 14. Reasons Parents Overindulged <ul><li>49% Issues stemming from the parent </li></ul><ul><li>18% Death of a loved one </li></ul><ul><li>15% Illness </li></ul><ul><li>10% Birth order </li></ul><ul><li>( How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft) </li></ul>
    15. 15. Areas of Overindulgence <ul><li>Too many things </li></ul><ul><li>Over-nurturing </li></ul><ul><li>Soft structure </li></ul>
    16. 16. Too Many Things <ul><li>Clothes 41% </li></ul><ul><li>Toys 35% </li></ul><ul><li>Lessons 22% </li></ul><ul><li>Entertainment 18% </li></ul><ul><li>Holidays 17% </li></ul><ul><li>( How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft) </li></ul>
    17. 17. Too Many Clothes <ul><li>“ I’ve got nothing to wear.” </li></ul>
    18. 18. Too Many Toys <ul><li>Children’s play is children’s work </li></ul><ul><li>Are today’s toys merely preparing children to become consumers? </li></ul>
    19. 19. Too Many Activities <ul><li>“ Many families are over-scheduled outside the family and under-scheduled inside the family.” </li></ul><ul><li>( The Intentional Family by William Doherty) </li></ul>
    20. 20. Look For Balance
    21. 21. What is Nurturing? <ul><li>All the ways we provide for the soft needs’ love, touch, warmth, attention, support, stimulation, recognition and response </li></ul>
    22. 22. Over-nurtured Adults Say… <ul><li>Parents did things for me that I should have done myself </li></ul><ul><li>Parents gave me too much attention </li></ul><ul><li>I was allowed lots of privileges </li></ul><ul><li>Parents made sure I was entertained </li></ul><ul><li>( How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft) </li></ul>
    23. 23. Too Much Over-nurturing <ul><li>Nurturing becomes overindulgence when it involves doing things for children they are able to do, and should be expected to do, for themselves </li></ul>
    24. 24. Over-nurturing <ul><li>When parents over-function for a child able to function for herself, the child tends to under-function </li></ul>
    25. 25. What is Structure? <ul><li>Structure is the firm side, the “how to” of care </li></ul><ul><li>It’s the bones </li></ul>
    26. 26. Overindulged Adults Say… <ul><li>Parents did not expect me to do chores </li></ul><ul><li>Not expected to learn same skills as other children </li></ul><ul><li>Parent’s didn’t have rules or make me follow the </li></ul><ul><li>Parents gave me too much freedom </li></ul><ul><li>( How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft) </li></ul>
    27. 27. Too Soft Structure <ul><li>No rules </li></ul><ul><li>Not enforcing the rules </li></ul><ul><li>No chores </li></ul><ul><li>Too much freedom </li></ul><ul><li>Allowed to dominate the family </li></ul>
    28. 28. Why is Soft Structure a Form of Overindulgence? <ul><li>Children fail to learn important life skills </li></ul><ul><li>They do not learn how to set and respect boundaries </li></ul>
    29. 29. What is Firm Structure? <ul><li>Reasonable rules that are consistently enforced </li></ul><ul><li>Mastery of skills </li></ul><ul><li>Learning family values </li></ul>
    30. 30. How to Establish Structure <ul><li>Set limits, boundaries, and standards with rules </li></ul><ul><li>Enforce the rules with rewards for compliance and discomforting consequences for noncompliance </li></ul>
    31. 31. What is a Rule? <ul><li>“ A principle or standard to which an action conforms.” </li></ul>
    32. 32. Chores <ul><li>The expectation that a child will do chores lets a child know that he is valued as a contributing member of the family </li></ul>
    33. 33. Too Much Freedom <ul><li>Scary for an inexperienced child </li></ul><ul><li>Expects children to handle people and situations without having learned how to do so safely or responsibly </li></ul>
    34. 34. Good Freedom <ul><li>Allows children to explore or experiment within the bounds of safety and their abilities </li></ul><ul><li>Allows for learning important lessons from experience </li></ul><ul><li>Allows for creativity without destruction </li></ul>
    35. 35. How to Develop Responsibility in Children <ul><li>Be a responsible person (role model) </li></ul><ul><li>Communicate expectations clearly </li></ul><ul><li>Allow children to be involved </li></ul>
    36. 36. Developing Responsibility (Continued) <ul><li>Offer encouragement, love, and attention </li></ul><ul><li>Let children know you believe in them </li></ul><ul><li>Present task in a way that fits your child’s learning styles </li></ul>
    37. 37. Developing Responsibility (Continued) <ul><li>Responsibility should be age appropriate </li></ul><ul><li>Allow for consequences </li></ul><ul><li>Children should not be given an allowance for chores </li></ul>
    38. 38. Developing Responsibility (Continued) <ul><li>Allow for mistakes and imperfections </li></ul><ul><li>Set limits and give fewer choices if a child repeatedly fails to fulfill his responsibilities </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t set your child up to rebel </li></ul>
    39. 39. Remember… <ul><li>Resist redoing a task done by a child </li></ul><ul><li>Divide a task into smaller parts to help a child get it done </li></ul><ul><li>Parents can encourage a child to do chores by expressing appreciation and encouragement </li></ul>
    40. 40. Resources <ul><li>How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children </li></ul><ul><li>Clarke, Dawson, & Bredehoft, 2004 </li></ul>
    41. 41. Resources <ul><li>When Is Enough, Enough?: What You Can Do If You Never Feel Satisfied. </li></ul><ul><li>Meyerson and Ashner, 1996 </li></ul><ul><li>Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child </li></ul><ul><li>John Gottman, 1997 </li></ul><ul><li>Growing Up Again, Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children. </li></ul><ul><li>Clarke and Dawson, 1998 </li></ul>
    42. 42. Lori Zierl, Family Living Agent <ul><li>UW-Extension Pierce County </li></ul><ul><li>Pierce County Office Building </li></ul><ul><li>412 West Kinne Street, P.O. Box 69 </li></ul><ul><li>Ellsworth, WI 54011-0069 </li></ul><ul><li>715-273-6781 </li></ul><ul><li>University of Wisconsin-Extension, U.S. Dept. of Agriculture and </li></ul><ul><li>Wisconsin counties cooperating. UW-Extension provides equal </li></ul><ul><li>opportunities in employment and programming, including Title IX and </li></ul><ul><li>ADA. </li></ul>

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