THURSDAY,
JUNE
17,
2010.
BY
ALLIE.

“This
is
why
I
will
never
be
an
adult.”
I
have
repeatedly
discovered
that
it
is
important
for
me

not
to
surpass
my
capacity
for
responsibility.
 
Over
the

years...
But
a
few
@mes
a
year,
I
spontaneously
decide
that
I'm

ready
to
be
a
real
adult.

I
don't
know
why
I
decide
this;

it
alw...
The
first
day
or
two
of
my
plans
usually
goes
okay.
For
 a
 liMle
 while,
 I
 actually
 feel
 grown‐up
 and

responsible.
 
 I
 strut
 around
 with
 my
 head
 held
 high,

lo...
This
is
a
mistake.

                  

I
begin
to
feel
like
I've
accomplished
my
goals.

It's
like
I

think
 that
 adulthood
 is
 something
 that
 can
 be
 earne...
What
 usually
 ends
 up
 happening
 is
 that
 I
 completely

wear
 myself
 out.
 Thinking
 that
 I've
 earned
 it,
 I
 giv...
This
is
when
the
guilt‐spiral
starts.


The
longer
I
procras@nate
on
returning
phone
calls
and

emails,
the
 more
guilty
 I
feel
 about
it.
 
 The
 guilt
 I
 feel...
Then
 the
 guilt
 from
 my
 ignored
 responsibili@es
 grows

so
 large
 that
 merely
 carrying
 it
 around
 with
 me
 feel...
At
 some
 point
 in
 this
 endlessly
 spiraling
 disaster,
 I
 am

forced
 to
 throw
 all
 of
 my
 energy
 into
 trying
 t...
It
always
ends
the
same
way.




                Slumped
and
haggard.



                           I
contemplate
the
seem...
And
then
I
rebel.

                 

My
simple,
daily
tasks...
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
Why i am not going to be an adult
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Why i am not going to be an adult

  1. 1. THURSDAY,
JUNE
17,
2010.
BY
ALLIE. “This
is
why
I
will
never
be
an
adult.”
  2. 2. I
have
repeatedly
discovered
that
it
is
important
for
me
 not
to
surpass
my
capacity
for
responsibility.
 
Over
the
 years,
 this
 capacity
 has
 grown,
 but
 the
 results
 of
 exceeding
it
have
not
changed.
 Normally,
 my
 capacity
 is
 exceeded
 gradually,
 through
 the
accumula@on
of
simple,
daily
tasks....
  3. 3. But
a
few
@mes
a
year,
I
spontaneously
decide
that
I'm
 ready
to
be
a
real
adult.

I
don't
know
why
I
decide
this;
 it
always
ends
terribly
for
me.
 
But
I
do
it
anyway.
 
I
sit
 myself
 down
 and
 tell
 myself
 how
 I'm
 going
 to
 start
 cleaning
 the
 house
 every
 day
 and
 paying
 my
 bills
 on
 @me
 and
 replying
 to
 emails
 before
 my
 inbox
 reaches
 quadruple
digits.
 
Schedules
are
draGed.
 
Day‐planners
 are
 purchased.
 
 I
 stock
 up
 on
 fancy
 food
 because
 I'm
 also
 planning
 on
 morphing
 into
 a
 master
 chef
 and
 actually
cooking
instead
of
just
ea@ng
nachos
for
dinner
 every
night.


I
prepare
for

my
new
life
as
an
adult
like
 some
people
prepare
for
the
apocalypse.

  4. 4. The
first
day
or
two
of
my
plans
usually
goes
okay.
  5. 5. For
 a
 liMle
 while,
 I
 actually
 feel
 grown‐up
 and
 responsible.
 
 I
 strut
 around
 with
 my
 head
 held
 high,
 looking
 the
 other
 responsible
 people
 in
 the
 eye
 with
 that
 knowing
 glance
 that
 says
 "I
 understand.
 
 I'm
 responsible
now
too.

Just
look
at
my
groceries."
  6. 6. This
is
a
mistake.
 

  7. 7. I
begin
to
feel
like
I've
accomplished
my
goals.

It's
like
I
 think
 that
 adulthood
 is
 something
 that
 can
 be
 earned
 like
 a
 trophy
 in
 one
 monumental
 burst
 of
 effort
 and
 then
admired
and
coveted
for
the
rest
of
one's
life.


  8. 8. What
 usually
 ends
 up
 happening
 is
 that
 I
 completely
 wear
 myself
 out.
 Thinking
 that
 I've
 earned
 it,
 I
 give
 myself
 permission
 to
 slack
 off
 for
a
 while
 and
 recover.
 Since
 I've
 exceeded
 my
 capacity
 for
 responsibility
 in
 such
a
drama@c
fashion,
I
end
up
needing
to
take
more
 recovery
@me
than
usual.

  9. 9. This
is
when
the
guilt‐spiral
starts.


  10. 10. The
longer
I
procras@nate
on
returning
phone
calls
and
 emails,
the
 more
guilty
 I
feel
 about
it.
 
 The
 guilt
 I
 feel
 causes
 me
to
avoid
 the
issue
further,
 which
only
leads
 to
more
guilt
and
more
 procras@na@on.
 
It
gets
 to
the
 point
 where
 I
 don't
 email
 someone
 for
 fear
 of
 reminding
 them
that
 they
 emailed
me
 and
thus
 giving
 them
a
reason
to
be
disappointed
in
me.


  11. 11. Then
 the
 guilt
 from
 my
 ignored
 responsibili@es
 grows
 so
 large
 that
 merely
 carrying
 it
 around
 with
 me
 feels
 like
a
huge
responsibility.
 
It
takes
up
a
sizable
por@on
 of
 my
 capacity,
 leaving
 me
 almost
 completely
 useless
 for
anything
other
than
consuming
nachos
and
surfing
 the
internet
like
an
aMen@on‐deficient
squirrel
on
PCP.

  12. 12. At
 some
 point
 in
 this
 endlessly
 spiraling
 disaster,
 I
 am
 forced
 to
 throw
 all
 of
 my
 energy
 into
 trying
 to
 be
 an
 adult
 again,
 just
 to
 dig
myself
 out
of
the
pit
 I've
 fallen
 into.
 The
 problem
 is
 that
 I
 enter
 this
 round
 of
 aMempted
 adulthood
 already
 burnt
 out
 from
 the
 last
 round. I
can't
not
fail...
 

  13. 13. It
always
ends
the
same
way.

 Slumped
and
haggard.
 I
contemplate
the
seemingly
 endless
tasks
ahead
of
me.

  14. 14. And
then
I
rebel.
 

  15. 15. My
simple,
daily
tasks...

×