How We Miss Each Other: The Gospel, Marriage Pitfalls, and Gender Differences

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Presentation about the God designed gender differences that cause problems in marriage. Practical suggestions from a Christian Counselor.

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  • What are you thinking during this interaction?

    Women, how come you don’t want to be told what to do? What does that communicate? What does the male response in the end communicate to you?
  • We are in the middle of God’s Redemption Story.

    We are b/t the already and the not yet:

    Already
    God has given us his Word as our guide
    he has sent his Son to live, die, and rise again for our salvation
    he has given us his Spirit to live within us

    But not yet (Romans 8)
    has the world been restored
    Has sin been completely eradicated
    Have we been formed in the perfect likeness of Jesus
    Are suffering, sadness, and death no more

    From Paul Tripp’s What Did You Expect
  • “You are God’s chosen people. You are holy and dearly loved. So put on tender mercy and kindness as if they were your clothes. Don’t be proud. Be gentle and patient.  Put up with each other. Forgive the things you are holding against one another. Forgive, just as the Lord forgave you.  And over all of those good things put on love. Love holds them all together perfectly as if they were one.  Let the peace that Christ gives rule in your hearts. As parts of one body, you were appointed to live in peace. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:12-15

    You may have thought this was present in your relationship prior to marriage but in reality you were loving how the other person made you feel….really you were loving yourself.

    This perfect, unconditional, love that knows your brokenness but loves you anyway is love that ONLY comes from God!

    “6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:6-8


  • Growth is a process as we come to continually understand the truth of 2 Peter 1:3, we have ALL we NEED in Jesus (2 Peter 1:5-11)
  • Wives don’t need to be told to love because that is very intuitive for them.
    Men don’t need to be told to respect their wives because that is intuitive for them.
    God revealed our unique differences by the commands he gives to us in Ephesians 5.

    From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
  • When a man reacts unlovingly and is harsh with his wife, a wife questions how important she is to him and whether or not he really loves her. In defense, women react unfriendly, harsh, critical, complaining, and disrespectful.

    In turn, the man feels like the woman does not like him or admire him. Men fear contempt more than anything (Esther 1). Conflict in general makes most men feel disrespected so they often withdraw and isolate.

    When this happens, a woman questions his love for her, feels insecure and reacts often verbally and disrespectfully. And the cycle continues!

    A wife “who brings shame” on her husband “is like sickness in his bones” Proverbs 12:4 NIRV
    “It is better to live in a desert than to live with a nagging, angry wife.” Proverbs 21:19 NIRV
    “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” Col 3:19

    From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
  • From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
  • How We Miss Each Other: The Gospel, Marriage Pitfalls, and Gender Differences

    1. 1. How We Miss Each Other The Gospel, Marriage Pitfalls, and Gender Differences October 22, 2014 https://www.youtube.co m/watch?v=- 4EDhdAHrOg
    2. 2. How We Miss Each Other:  We come into marriage with unrealistic expectations based on:  Family of origin wounds  Hollywood standards  All my needs can be met by my spouse  My spouse won’t sin  Love conquers all OR we won’t struggle like other couples  I have the right to be happy  The Truth:  We are redeemed but still sinners  The marriage relationship teaches us about grace & loving another person “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7 From Paul Tripp’s What Did You Expect
    3. 3. All We Need We Have in Christ  Colossians 3:12 says that we ARE holy and dearly loved! It is present tense. The love, respect, and acceptance we are each frequently looking for from our mate is fully met in Jesus.  “God’s power has given us everything we need to lead a godly life. All of that has come to us because we know the One who chose us. He chose us because of his own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3
    4. 4. We are Free to Give  Because all we need, we in Christ, we are FREE from trying to get that from other people.  Paul tells the Colossian people what that looks like:  Mercy  Kindness  Humility  Gentleness  Patience  Putting up with each other  Forgiveness  Love  Thankfulness
    5. 5. God Made Men & Women Different! Wives are instructed throughout scripture (Col 3, Eph 5, 1 Pet 3) to RESPECT their husbands. This is because it is a deep soul need of men that women do not understand.  Men are instructed throughout scripture (Col 3, Eph 5, 1 Pet 3) to LOVE their wives. This is the deep soul need of women. From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
    6. 6. We are CRAZY Different  “When women feel unloved we react disrespectfully”  “When men feel disrespected they react unlovingly”  It is a vicious cycle  It causes good-willed people to miss each other. From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
    7. 7. So Now What?  Grace: assume your spouse has good-will and is not intentionally trying to disrespect or act unlovingly.  Recognize the crazy cycle and get off it. Consider if you have acted unloving or disrespectful.  “My response to my partner is my responsibility. They don’t cause my emotional reaction but reveal my sinful heart.”  “Imagine Jesus standing behind the shoulder of your partner. Love your spouse unto the Lord!”  “You are commanded to love or respect despite your partner’s response” (this is how we grow) From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
    8. 8. References and Places to Find More Information:  Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs  This Momentary Marriage by John Piper  What Did You Expect by Paul Tripp  The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller  How We Love by Mylan and Kay Yerkovich  www.loveandrespect.com  www.loveandrespectpodcast.com  www.howwelove.com  www.counseling4hope.com/resources/
    9. 9. Aimee Thompson  Married 17 years to my high school sweet-heart and best friend.  Mom of two preteen/teen boys.  Previous stay-at-home mom for 13 years  Served in many teaching roles at Preston Ridge Baptist Church in Frisco, TX (Women’s Bible Study leader, Kindergarten Sunday School teacher, Preteen Bible School Director)  Education:  Bachelors of Science in Sociology from Texas A&M University  Masters in Counseling from Dallas Baptist University.  LPC-Intern under the Supervision of Steve Hunter, Ed.D., D.Min, LPC-S, NC  A few steps away from being a Certified Anger Management Specialist-I.  I am a passionate pursuer of help and hope for people in pain and distress.  Life is messy. Hope is real. A good listener is powerful. Your story matters!  www.counseling4hope.com

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