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More bellyaching about suffering from HIV. He brought it on himself.

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  1. 1. MOST OF THE TIME 1989Most of the timeIm clear focused all around,Most of the timeI can keep both feet on the groundI can follow the path, I can read the signs,Stay right with it, when the road unwinds,I can handle whatever I stumble upon,I dont even notice shes goneMost of the time“Most of the time / Im clear focused all around” sometimes I am the focus, a central point andlocus, of an infection “Most of the time / I can keep both feet on the ground” sometimes I cannotget back to normal “I can follow the path” sometimes I cannot follow the doctor’s orders “path” away especially designed for a particular use “I can read the signs” and sometimes I cannotdetect the tell tale signs of illness “Stay right with it” sometimes I cannot continue takingmedication “when the road unwinds” when my course in life begins to unravel, disintegrate “Ican handle whatever I stumble upon” sometimes I cannot manage an opportunistic infection thatI come upon accidentally or unexpectedly “I dont even notice shes gone” sarcastic, sometimesI don’t even notice that my health, my immunity system, is gone “Most of the time.”“Both feet on the ground” as return to normal, Rag Time Willie “I can hear something calling onme” my desire for heroin has returned “And you know where I want to be / Oh Willie dont youhear that sound / I just want to get my feet back on the ground” I just want enough heroin so thatI will not experience withdrawal symptoms, I don’t even have to get high.Most of the timeIts well understood,Most of the timeI wouldnt change it if I could,I cant make it all match up, I can hold my own,I can deal with the situation right down to the bone,I can survive, I can endureAnd I dont even think about herMost of the time.“Most of the time / Its well understood” sometimes I do not understand what has happened tome and why? “Most of the time I wouldnt change it if I could” sometimes I would give anythingin the world to change my status “I cant make it all match-up” sometimes I cannot equal thevirulence of the virus “I can hold my own” and I cannot get my white blood cell count up “I candeal with the situation” I cannot deal with a critical, problematic, and striking set ofcircumstances “right down to the bone” right down to its roots, its core, the bone marrow whereblood cells are produced “I can survive, I can endure” sometimes I don’t think I am going to
  2. 2. make it “And I dont even think about her” sarcastic, I don’t even think about the days when Iwas HIV negative, it means so little to me “Most of the time.”Most of the timeMy head is on straightMost of the timeIm strong enough not to hate.I dont build up illusion till it makes me sickI aint afraid of confusion no matter how thickI can smile in the face of mankind.Dont even remember what her lips felt like on mineMost of the time.“Most of the time / My head is on straight” sometimes my medication does not work andproduces serious side effects “Most of the time Im strong enough” sometimes I am not in goodand sound enough health; robust “not to hate” not to hate the doctors who are treating me “Idont build up illusion” I kid myself that the HIV virus will somehow disappear from my body “tillit makes me sick” until it returns again and makes me sick “I aint afraid of confusion” sometimesI am deathly afraid of the fact that the doctors often appear as if they do not know what in theworld they are doing “no matter how thick” no matter how intense it might seem “I can smile inthe face of mankind” sometimes I cannot approve of the race of the people who are helping totreat me “Dont even remember what her lips” I don’t even remember what her vagina LinerNotes to Desire 1976, “Furious gals with garters & smeared” pap smear “lips on bar stools thatstank from sweating pussy” “felt like on mine” felt like on my penis.Most of the timeShe aint even in my mindI wouldnt know her if I saw herShes that far behind.Most of the timeI cant even be sureIf she was ever with meOr if I was with her.“Most of the time / She aint even in my mind” sometimes I think about what it was like to behealthy “I wouldnt know her if I saw her” and I tell myself that even if my health returned Iwouldn’t recognize it “Shes that far behind” because I have been suffering from the disease forso long I can’t even remember what it was like to be healthy “Most of the time I cant even besure” sometimes I am uncertain “If she was ever with me” if health was the dominant partner inour relationship “Or if I was with her” or if I was? Adage: “If you don’t have your health you don’thave anything.”Most of the timeIm halfway content,Most of the timeI know exactly where I went,
  3. 3. I dont cheat on myself, I dont run and hide,Hide from the feelings, that are buried inside,I dont compromise and I dont pretend,I dont even care if I ever see her againMost of the time.“Most of the time / Im halfway content” sometimes I am only halfway content otherwise I amtotally restless longing for better circumstances “Most of the time / I know exactly” sometimes Ihave no idea with complete accuracy and precision “where it all went” where my whole life wentwrong, went down the drain “I dont cheat on myself” sometimes I aggravate my own condition “Idont run and hide” by trying to escape it with drugs like heroin, morphine “Hide from thefeelings” escape my intuitive awareness “that are buried inside” that any day I could be deadand buried inside a grave “I dont compromise” sometimes I expose and make myself liable todanger “and I dont pretend” and I fool myself into believing that I can continue to use heroinwhile I am HIV positive and get away with it “I dont even care if I ever see her again” sometimesI deeply regret what I have done to myself when I realize I will never see a healthy time in mylife again “Most of the time.”