Things you should say to your students – and things you shouldn’t Adapted from: Reader’s Digest, August 2008

All teachers know that communicating effectively with children can be difficult. Common words and phrases, no matter how well intended, can do a lot of emotional and psychological harm to children. Their brains are still developing until they are teenagers, and children can’t be expected to process words, context, and nuance (e.g. sarcasm) like an adult would do.

All teachers know that communicating effectively with children can be difficult.

Common words and phrases, no matter how well intended, can do a lot of emotional and psychological harm to children.

Their brains are still developing until they are teenagers, and children can’t be expected to process words, context, and nuance (e.g. sarcasm) like an adult would do.

In order to help our students to grow up to become the best adults they can be, it’s IMPORTANT to replace damaging words from our vocabulary with alternatives that help build their character. The words or phrases we use to our students may seem harmless or even constructive on the surface, but according to experts they may hurt more than help. Here are some of those phrases and the alternatives to get your message across in a better way:

In order to help our students to grow up to become the best adults they can be, it’s IMPORTANT to replace damaging words from our vocabulary with alternatives that help build their character.

The words or phrases we use to our students may seem harmless or even constructive on the surface, but according to experts they may hurt more than help.

Here are some of those phrases and the alternatives to get your message across in a better way:

What you say : “You’re the best!” What they hear : “Your job in life is to make me happy.” Better way to say it : “You should be proud of how hard you’ve worked.” We understand that improving a child’s self-esteem is important to his/her success in life. But if we give too much praise it can give negative effects. For example, the implication of saying “You’re the prettiest girl in class,” or talking about the grades she scored but not her overall effort is that you love her only when she looks the best, scores the highest, achieves the most. By ONLY praising the attributes or abilities will give the students a false promise that success will come to you because of what you have, not because of their efforts. This can cause children to become afraid to take on challenges.

What you say : “You’re the best!”

What they hear : “Your job in life is to make me happy.”

Better way to say it : “You should be proud of how hard you’ve worked.”

We understand that improving a child’s self-esteem is important to his/her success in life. But if we give too much praise it can give negative effects. For example, the implication of saying “You’re the prettiest girl in class,” or talking about the grades she scored but not her overall effort is that you love her only when she looks the best, scores the highest, achieves the most.

By ONLY praising the attributes or abilities will give the students a false promise that success will come to you because of what you have, not because of their efforts. This can cause children to become afraid to take on challenges.

What you say : “Don’t worry – it’ll be OK.” What they hear : “You’re such a drama queen!.” Better way to say it : “I totally understand what you must have gone through. Tell me about it.” When a child comes to you and upset about being teased by classmates, most of the times teachers downplay his/her disappointment and offer consolation. Adults know that such setbacks are minor, but kids need to learn to express those feelings, work through them and move on. We, as teachers, need to help them through that process rather than trying to make them go away without expression. If children feel that they shouldn’t have that kind of feelings or that kind of feelings are bad, in the future they would rather lock those feelings inside and fail to learn healthy coping strategies. On the other hand, kids shouldn’t wallow in bad feelings. A question like “Why do you think this happened?” or “Do you have any ideas about what you can do to make it better?” may give them the encouragement they need to deal with the situation on their own.

What you say : “Don’t worry – it’ll be OK.”

What they hear : “You’re such a drama queen!.”

Better way to say it : “I totally understand what you must have gone through. Tell me about it.”

When a child comes to you and upset about being teased by classmates, most of the times teachers downplay his/her disappointment and offer consolation.

Adults know that such setbacks are minor, but kids need to learn to express those feelings, work through them and move on. We, as teachers, need to help them through that process rather than trying to make them go away without expression. If children feel that they shouldn’t have that kind of feelings or that kind of feelings are bad, in the future they would rather lock those feelings inside and fail to learn healthy coping strategies.

On the other hand, kids shouldn’t wallow in bad feelings. A question like “Why do you think this happened?” or “Do you have any ideas about what you can do to make it better?” may give them the encouragement they need to deal with the situation on their own.

What you say : “Don’t talk to strangers.” What they hear : “Anyone you don’t know is trying to hurt you.” Better way to say it : “Don’t talk to people who make you feel uncomfortable. Here’s how to tell.” Here is the harsh reality: more and more we heard in the news about children being victimized by, ironically, people they know well rather than by a complete stranger. That’s why it makes more sense to tell our students to be careful of anyone, acquaintance or stranger, who makes them feel uncomfortable.

What you say : “Don’t talk to strangers.”

What they hear : “Anyone you don’t know is trying to hurt you.”

Better way to say it : “Don’t talk to people who make you feel uncomfortable. Here’s how to tell.”

Here is the harsh reality: more and more we heard in the news about children being victimized by, ironically, people they know well rather than by a complete stranger. That’s why it makes more sense to tell our students to be careful of anyone, acquaintance or stranger, who makes them feel uncomfortable.

What you say : “Make sure you share.” What they hear : “Give away your stuff.” Better way to say it : “Ade would like to play with your ball for a while, but it’s still yours and he will give it back.” When we ask our young students to share their possessions, for them it means we ask them to give their possessions away . This happens because they don’t have the ability to distinguish themselves from the objects they own or cherish, so for them your request means you ask them to give a part of themselves. Usually kids don’t really begin to understand the concept of sharing until the age of eight or so. However, it’s still important to begin introducing the concept of selflessness . One way to do it is to ask your students to put their names on their possessions so when you ask them to share they’ll know you don’t ask them to give it away.

What you say : “Make sure you share.”

What they hear : “Give away your stuff.”

Better way to say it : “Ade would like to play with your ball for a while, but it’s still yours and he will give it back.”

When we ask our young students to share their possessions, for them it means we ask them to give their possessions away . This happens because they don’t have the ability to distinguish themselves from the objects they own or cherish, so for them your request means you ask them to give a part of themselves.

Usually kids don’t really begin to understand the concept of sharing until the age of eight or so. However, it’s still important to begin introducing the concept of selflessness . One way to do it is to ask your students to put their names on their possessions so when you ask them to share they’ll know you don’t ask them to give it away.

What you say : “Why did you (hit your friend, take his stuff, etc.)?” What they hear : “You messed up again.” Better way to say it : “My guess is that you hit your friend because he was teasing you, but that’s still not OK.” As teachers we need to tell their students when they mess up because by doing so we breed a sense of guilt and shame in them, which in turn lays the foundation for a sturdy conscience. However, we need to be careful because if a child feels too much shame early in life can shut down the development of guilt. So it would be better to say to them we’re aware of what they did, or at least make a guess at it, and then explain why it was a bad idea. You’ll be corrected if you’re wrong. Then you can make this a starting point of a productive dialogue. Remember, kids without conscience are kids who never developed the capacity to feel someone else feels, which could lead them to do really bad things.

What you say : “Why did you (hit your friend, take his stuff, etc.)?”

What they hear : “You messed up again.”

Better way to say it : “My guess is that you hit your friend because he was teasing you, but that’s still not OK.”

As teachers we need to tell their students when they mess up because by doing so we breed a sense of guilt and shame in them, which in turn lays the foundation for a sturdy conscience. However, we need to be careful because if a child feels too much shame early in life can shut down the development of guilt.

So it would be better to say to them we’re aware of what they did, or at least make a guess at it, and then explain why it was a bad idea. You’ll be corrected if you’re wrong. Then you can make this a starting point of a productive dialogue. Remember, kids without conscience are kids who never developed the capacity to feel someone else feels, which could lead them to do really bad things.

What you say : “Watch your language!” What they hear : “I’m not interested in what you’re really trying to say.” Better way to say it : “I’m happy you came to talk to me, but I have one request. The next time you talk to me, please don’t use that word because I don’t like it.” During a conversation with your students, it would be better not to cut in immediately when they use a rather “unpleasant” words like “sialan” or “brengsek” because they aren’t trying to be disrespectful, it just the way modern kids talk. If teachers shift their focus to the words rather than the point of talk, students may lose interest and will not continue the talk. The time for reminding them about their choice of words is at the end of the real discussion, not in the middle.

What you say : “Watch your language!”

What they hear : “I’m not interested in what you’re really trying to say.”

Better way to say it : “I’m happy you came to talk to me, but I have one request. The next time you talk to me, please don’t use that word because I don’t like it.”

During a conversation with your students, it would be better not to cut in immediately when they use a rather “unpleasant” words like “sialan” or “brengsek” because they aren’t trying to be disrespectful, it just the way modern kids talk.

If teachers shift their focus to the words rather than the point of talk, students may lose interest and will not continue the talk. The time for reminding them about their choice of words is at the end of the real discussion, not in the middle.