HAPPY BIRTHDAY IRIS (AKA LADYDRAGONAE)! Here’s a little teeny birthday present from the other side of the world. The thought was there- and that’s what counts right?”
“Okay, you can open your eyes...... NOW.” “SURPRISE!” cried a myriad of voices. “What the-” “HAPPY BIRTHDAY IRIS!” “I can’t believe you managed to keep this a secret!” she laughed as the gathered guests resumed their smustling. “Well, we didn’t tell Heffalump until yesterday- just to be safe.”
“ A couple of people are running late- but they should be here soon.” “This is fantastic!” “Well, we did our best- but if you’re going to have such a surprising birthday- I mean, the 29th of September? Who has a birthday THEN?” “Yeah, yeah yeah Lauren. Thank you.” “No problemo. There’s a smustle competition about to start- but first there’s someone you should see.” “Okay... Slightly nervous, but okay...”
“Hello Iris.” Iris span around at the sound of the familiar voice. “TERRY!” She yanked her old friend into a bear hug. “You,” she said “are supposed to be dead.” “Not in this universe.” he grinned. “Actually, I’ve been wondering around here for a while. I was told that the simself would hook us up- but it must have slipped her mind.” “Yeah, she’s had a busy few weeks- talk like a pirate day, Hobbit day... And there’s the bubble habit of course.”
I would like to point out at this stage that this- whatever this is, will feature children that you are yet to be introduced to. Also, kids have grown up but if I’m obviously not going to go through their birthdays and all that hassle. These two children are twins- yet more Hamlet and Gail spawn. The boy on the left is Arrenand he’s named after the character from the Ursula Le Guin inspired Studio Ghibli film Tales from Earthsea. His twin is Benedict (AKA Eggs) and he’s named after the actor Benedict Cumberbatchwho is probably best known for his starring role in the BBC drama Sherlock.
These two boys are Heffalump and Xander’s children. Heffalump fell pregnant whilst she and Xander were travelling- and once they’d had a taste of parenthood they decided they’d quite like another child. The older boy (on the left, obviously) is Quartz- named after no one in particular. His little brother is Woozle- as in Heffalumps and Woozles from Winnie the Pooh.
But there was, of course, cake. A cake that apparently required mental preparation. I am the master of candles...Candles hold no fear for me... Candles tremble in my presence...
*is too cool for this* And after cake comes smustling! “Come on Eggsy! Get your groove on!”
And what comes after the post-cake smustling? Well okay, the traditional dance of the tipsy child with a side order of what looks worryingly like... HAND RABIES, comes after the post-cake smustle.
But after that, comes presents! The first of which took the form of a live video feed. “Hey there Iris! Happy Birthday! This is Bethan coming live to you from a field I don’t technically have permission to be on, and my present to you is very special indeed! It’s a 1930 Packard Coupé in absolutely any colour you like!”
“You can choose any of the fabulous pieces of machinery from CRAAAAZY Bethan’s Car Lot: All 1930 Packard Coupés, All the time! So come on down and choose your vehicle from our extensive selection!”
“ Do you know why people call me CRAZY Bethan? Why because of my CRAAAAZY prices of course!” “I’m so generous, it’s practically stealing! So hurry on down Iris and choose your birthday present, before I decide to press charges! And don’t forget: All 1930 Packard Coupés, All the time. ”
“BETHAN OUT!” “Well, at least that explains the outfit... Sort of...” said Godric as the screen turned black. “Mmmm, I wonder what colour I should get...” thought Iris. “Let’s just move on to your other presents.”
The next present was- for no obvious reason- a trampoline. NINJA SHOT RUINING SKILLS
Next up was a present that Heffalump and Xander had brought back from their travels. “She’s outside Mum, you’ll have to come and see.” “She?”
“She!” Heffalump cried. “This is Dinah!” “You brought me back a CAMEL?” “Darn tootin’! They’re amazing! Come on, have a ride!” “I really would be a lot happier if I were facing forwards Lumpy.” “Ah, but Dinah has a very delicate temperament; she gets upset if you do that- or if you make eye contact with her, or turn the pages of her book to fast for her , or-” “I’m sorry, what?” “Well it’s not like she can turn them on her own can she?” Heffalump laughed. “Anyway, off you go Dinah!” “Wait! How do IIIEEEIIIAAAHHH?!”
Once her camel ride had come to a rather abrupt and painful end, Iris continued to enjoy her presents which proceeded in much the same vein of thoughtfulness and taste. A miniature hockey game.
An organ - because everyone should have the option to slap on a cape and mask and pretend to be an opera ghost whenever the mood takes them.
And, of course the customary assault rifle. Attached was a note that read: Iris, I need you to dispose of this for me- and if anybody’s askin’, I’m on a residential cookery course, ok? Don’t screw this up meatbag. Also, happy birthday. Your old pal, Boom
“So Iris,” Godric grinned as he danced with his wife. “Yeeeees?” “Y’know how, ever since we got together we’ve made it our mission to piss off Crumplebottom?” “Yeah,” “Well I have outdone even our highest hopes; I have secured the ultimate trophy.” “Wait, no? You mean-” “Mmm hmmm,” he smiled. “Her bag.” “Seriously?!” “Yup, Happy Birthday Rissa.” “You are THE BEST Goddy.”
“Hey Desdemona! Guess who I am!” “Errrr, an escaped mental patient maaaaaybe?” “Nooooo” she said exasperatedly. “I’m Crumplebottom!”
“Take off that makeup you Jezebel! You foul slatternly harlot!” “Sweet Zombie Jesus Rissa! Cut it out!” “Fear the wrath of my moral superiority and scented drawer liners!” “This,” Desdemona sighed. “Is my creator.”
And she was reunited with another old friend. “Why how wonderful to see you again my darling Iris.” “Yeah!” said Rissa, not entirely truthfully. She had not expected to see the perverted mammoth from her bachelor challenge days again and had been pretty happy about it. “I haven’t seen you since-” “Since you married that insufferable sim.” he said darkly. “I don’t suppose you’ve broken up?”
“No, we’re very happy together.” “Children I suppose?” “Mmmm hmmm, and grandchildren in fact.” “Indeed? I myself have settled down with a lady mammoth.” “Oh! That’s great!.” “Mmmmm, so you would think. Say Iris,” he began innocently “I happened to notice a rather lovely lady camel around here earlier. Do you happen to have her number?- or address?” “Oh for Gods’ sake!” Iris yelled, disgusted. “Go home to your wife you twisted bastard! And tell her from me that she should leave you.” “Fine.” he hesitated for a second. “I don’t suppose you’d be interested in dinner for two this Saturday at The Gilded Truffle?” “NO!” “Very well.”
And Iris’ final present, would be everything in her want slot, according to Lauren who told her that she would find her gifts in the next room. “Mum, y’know how you already have an excellent bath, and ours is really leaky-” “You can have it. Would you like the fridge too?” “No, but Lumpy might. I’ll go and ask her.”
“Then the toilet is mine! Score one for Terry!”
“Hang on,” said Godric “That’s only three things. What’s your fourth want? Oh, is it ‘Be best friends’ with someone or something similar? You damn popularity sims.” “Why don’t you tell him what the other thing in your wants panel is Iris. I’ll leave you two alone.”
“Just when I thought she’s stopped being so weird.” sighed Godric. “Anyway, go on then. Tell me!” “Ok,” she began slowly. “You see the other thing in my wants panel is...”
“Just tell me Iris, you’re freaking me out.” “The other thing in my wants panel...” “Yes?” “Is a baby.”