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2012 # 5 2012 # 5 Presentation Transcript

  • WIMPF’S WARPED WRITINGS 2012 # 5
  • Surprise!
  • 1970s retro bachelor pad-- someones a real pimp.
  • From the Friends of Irony
  • See what happens when men bake cookies
  • Love it! This has got to be one of the greatest quotes of all time.I thought this might make you smile. :-)...conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe toDubaiIranian Air Defense Site: Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.Aircraft: This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.Air Defense Site: You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptoraircraft!Aircraft: This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send em up, Ill wait!Air Defense Site: ( .... total silence)
  • Political Science for DummiesDEMOCRATYou have two cows.Your neighbor has none.You feel guilty for being successful.You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.REPUBLICANYou have two cows.Your neighbor has none.So?SOCIALISTYou have two cows.The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
  • COMMUNISTYou have two cows.The government seizes both and provides you with milk.You wait in line for hours to get it.It is expensive and sour.CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLEYou have two cows.You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLEYou have two cows.Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk theother, and then pour the milk down the drain.AMERICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.You are surprised when one cow drops dead.You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.Your stock goes up.
  • FRENCH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.You go to lunch and drink wine.Life is good.JAPANESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.Most are at the top of their class at cow school.GERMAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundredmiles an hour.Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.ITALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows but you dont know where they are.You break for lunch.Life is good.
  • RUSSIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You drink some vodka.You count them and learn you have five cows.You drink some more vodka.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.TALIBAN CORPORATIONYou have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.You dont milk them because you cannot touch any creatures private parts.You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use themoney to buy weapons.IRAQI CORPORATIONYou have two cows.They go into hiding.They send radio tapes of their mooing.POLISH CORPORATIONYou have two bulls.Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
  • BELGIAN CORPORATIONYou have one cow.The cow is schizophrenic.Sometimes the cow thinks hes French, other times hes Flemish.The Flemish cow wont share with the French cow.The French cow wants control of the Flemish cows milk.The cow asks permission to be cut in half.The cow dies happy.FLORIDA CORPORATIONYou have a black cow and a brown cow.Everyone votes for the best looking one.Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.Some people vote for both.Some people vote for neither.Some people cant figure out how to vote at all.Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.CALIFORNIA CORPORATIONYou have millions of cows.They make real California cheese.Only five speak English.Most are illegal.
  • Oyster Tasting this weekend! IslandState of Tasmania , off Australian coast. WANNA GO?Maybe a squeeze of lemon and a pinch of salt would be off the menu?
  • These entries are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word,recorded and published by court reporters that experienced the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, Where am I, Cathy?ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years.
  • ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Hes 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
  • ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town Im going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral..._________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
  • ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
  • Test Your BrainThis is really cool.ALZHEIMERS EYE TEST(I love this part.. Its absolutely amazing!)Count every "F" in the following text:FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITHTHE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.....(SEE BELOW)HOW MANY Fs?Count them again.WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke..READ IT AGAIN !Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 Fs before you scroll down.The reasoning behind this is further down.The brain cannot process "OF".F INISHED F ILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF IC STUDY COMBINED WITHTHE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.....Incredible or what?Anyone who counts all 6 Fs on the first go is a genius.
  • 10 Surprising Health Benefits Of Semen [EXPERT] By Professor Kimberly Resnick Anderson. Posted on Sep 25th 2012.Youll be surprised by the impact of this sticky substance on your health!A study recently published by Dutch psychologists showed that when women are sexually aroused, their disgust tolerance increases — not just regarding sex, butacross the board.In the study, the aroused group of women were less disgusted when asked to touch a "bloody" bone (actually it was red ink) or put their hands in a bowl ofallegedly used condoms (which were actually not used, but covered in lubricant). The study also contained two other groups of women who were not aroused. 5Ways To Keep Married Sex Exciting [EXPERT]This study makes lots of sense to me. In my clinical practice, I am always looking for ways to help women reduce their aversions to certain sexual acts or bodilyfluids. As shown in the study, if they are able to become aroused, they need less assistance. Unfortunately, for the the women I treat, the flames of passion are alltoo often extinguished.Based on my knowledge of evolutionary sexology, I have come up with a useful clinical intervention, and I see it working every day! It is based on the theory thatseminal plasma (the fluid that provides nutrients and protection for sperm, consisting of a complex range of organic and inorganic constituents) may have manyhealth benefits.Yes, you read that correctly — semen is healthy for you! 5 Health Benefits Of Having Sex [EXPERT]The alleged benefits of seminal plasma are activated when a man deposits semen into a womans vagina. Newer research suggests that the same benefits maybe available if the seminal plasma is swallowed. Some theories even suggest that semen deposited anally will offer the same benefits. The existence of "buttplugs" suggest that some men may want to keep the seminal plasma inside.
  • Here are ten alleged health benefits of seminal plasma:1. Natural anti-depressant.2. Natural anxiety reducer.3. Improves quality of sleep.4. Increases energy.5. Improves concentration.6. Improves memory.7. Improves mental alertness.8. Assists with pregnancy maintenance.9. Increases female-initiated sexual behavior.10. Reduces pain.Impressed? You should be! Nature knows what she is doing! Some of the helpful chemicals in seminal plasma include testosterone,estrogen, prolactin, opiod peptides, oxytocin, serotonin, melatonin, and norepineprine. Just think, you can get a dose of all that withouthaving to go to the vitamin store!When I tell women with arousal disorders that they can reap all of the above health benefits, it often enables them to be more receptive tosex. Suddenly, they are may be willing to "swallow" if they think it might help them sleep or reduce their pain. Suddenly they can tolerateintercourse if they believe it may help with depression. Why Do Guys Love Blow Jobs? [EXPERT]Much of the research in this area is preliminary and needs to be replicated. But I believe more and more empirical research will supportthese initial findings.
  • A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.A man passing by asks "Whats wrong, lad?" The boy says"Me ma died this morning." "Oh bejaysus," The man says."Do you want me to call Father ORiley for you?" The boyreplies, "No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind atthe moment."
  • THATS RIGHT... BREAST IMPLANTS FOR YOUR TATTOO
  • A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,"Sorry sir, but youre only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didnt budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in amoment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly, then asked,"All right buddy, whats your name?” "Fred," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "...The Balcony..."
  • Why Hanes is Going out of Business
  • I am planning a trip for August 30, 2012 to the home of one of the earliest Indiansettlements in North Carolina .The excursion will consist of a ten day trip to the Cherokee Nation, and a guided tour along the river whichruns through it.Cost of the river trip is $ 960.00 P/P which includes all meals. If youd like to go too, book early, as Ianticipate space will beextremely limited. Well do some sight seeing, wildlife photography and that sort of thing. The highlight ofthe trip will be the
  • run through the white water rapids.What makes the trip especially meaningful is that our river guide is a full-blooded Cherokee; born andraised in the area, and extremely knowledgeable of the territory and any obstacles we may encounter onour journey.If you are interested, let me know as soon as possible.This trip is often sold out a year in advance.OUR GUIDE ………………….Her Name is UCAN TUCHUMDont forget ... let me know if youwould like a spot on the trip.Regards,Chief Beaver Hunter