When we apply assumptions to our communication with others we set ourselves up for failure. You will not accomplish your goals assuming everyone knows what you are looking for.

1. http://www.wiggmanscoaching.com/how-our-assumptions-kill-communication/ June 12, 2013
How Our Assumptions Kill Communication
Do you have the ability to read people’s
minds?
I know I don’t and yet it seems each day someone in
our lives think we can. They become disappointed
that we didn’t do what they thought we should do or
had hoped we would do when we never even knew
what that was.
Well, not all the time. In my case I know I shouldn’t
hang my jacket on the chair and should cover the BBQ but for the most part it
comes down to assuming I know. We are all guilty of assuming others should
know what we need and guilty of not following through on what we do know
they need.
In our everyday life we walk around expecting people to do exactly what we
think they should be doing and giving us exactly what we need them to give us.
Most of the time with dismal results.
How can they know without you communicating with them what you need?
Don’t drop hints or think just because they know you that they know what you
are thinking.
Go Get What You Want
I always tell my kids to go out and get what they want in life. They probably
hate it when I say “If you want it you have to be the one to ask for it” whenever
they want me to order their food for them or ask someone for something they
want.
Not just my oldest kid but right down to my 4 year old. They know if they want
to know how much something costs, need help or for someone to stop
bothering them they need to say it. They know they need to ask for it or there
is zero chance of it happening. I also explained just because you ask doesn’t
mean you will always get what it is you are asking for but you have a lot better
chance than never asking at all.
Don’t Expect Results Unless You Ask For Them
Don’t expect people to know. I don’t care if you have been together for 50
years. Tell them what you want. Do not assume. As the saying goes you make
an ass out of you and me.

2. Actually you just make an ass out of yourself because you are mad at
someone for something only you knew.
Communication gets destroyed when one person spends time being angry that
someone doesn’t know what they need from them I may make you a bit
uncomfortable but let’s talk about how assumptions kill communication in the
bedroom.
If you are not having fantastic sex every time you hop into bed together then
you are not communicating what your needs are. Tension around assumptions
as to what should happen once the lights go out can destroy a relationship
fast. Be open about what you need before, during and after on both sides.
Recognize where you are being unreasonable and where you are holding back.
If you “feel” you have said what you need a 1000 times before try one more
time in a different way. A lot of the time we are not communicating in a way our
partner understands. This applies to our boss, our friend and anyone we
communicate with in our lives.
I Just Need A Hug
If you want a hug then ask for a hug. That is one thing we worked on with one
of our kids.
They would just come up and poke at you, or bump into you the whole time
wanting you to physical acknowledge them with a hug. They assumed we
would get the hint but sometimes as you may know when you are busy doing
stuff it just comes across as annoying.
We are so self-absorbed that we don’t recognize it as a hint they want a hug.
That they need a hug!
Instead you ask them to stop and unknowingly cause them to feel emotionally
rejected which is a crappy feeling but one you are not responsible for creating.
That’s right, you are not responsible for them feeling bad by not asking you for
what they need.
They need to ask for what they want. That is how life works and they will thank
you for teaching them that later in life. Even when parents or spouses are super
busy I hardly think any of them would say no to a direct request of
giving someone a hug. Right?
As parents and spouses we have the responsibility to explain to our kids and
loved one’s what we need. If we don’t get the results we want the first time try
asking in a different way.
If it still isn’t working for you ask the other person if they understand what you

3. need. If they do and are not delivering on it, ask them why. Maybe they need
something from you that you aren’t giving them. That doesn’t make it right but
it clears the air.
Communication is difficult enough as it is without adding a bunch of
assumptions to the mix also. The amount of grudges that start to form when
everyone assumes is crippling to relationships.
Take Action Request:
Sit down and ask yourself ‘What have I been assuming people should know I
need that I have never communicated clearly with them?” Try not to go to a
place of thinking they should know because they are your spouse, sibling,
parent or friend and be open about what you need. Do this exercise with at
least two people this week you know that you are using assumptions with.
Your Life Your Choice Your Design
Darrin Wiggins
P.S. The absolute best book I have found so far on communication is Crucial
Conversations and The 5 Love Languages. These books contain a lot of great
information and exercises to improve your communication.
“Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and
to express what you really want. Communicate with others as
clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and
drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform
your life.” – Miguel Angel Ruiz