Love, Anger and Forgiveness


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Full presentation on the relationship between love, anger and forgiveness. As the most powerful of the three, love pervades the other two. The greatest love can often lead to the greatest anger, and therefore the greatest need for forgiveness. Also covers these processes in terms of intimacy, empathy and grief.

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Love, Anger and Forgiveness

  1. 1. LOVE, ANGER & FORGIVENESSWilliam G. DeFoore, Ph.D. National Wellness Conference, 2006
  2. 2. OUR JOURNEY AHEAD… •Holding on and letting go •Origin & nature of : Love Anger Forgiveness
  3. 3. OUR JOURNEY AHEAD… •Healthy/unhealthy anger •Healthy/unhealthy forgiveness •The role of empathy •Grieving & forgiveness •Thought-action-feeling overview •Anger, forgiveness and intimacy •Self forgiveness, faith & optimism
  4. 4. HOLDING ON… •Love makes us want to hold on •Hold too tight, and love is gone •Anger is holding on •Holding on becomes control, jealousy, dependency—not love
  5. 5. LETTING GO… •“Love is letting go” •“Anger release” means letting go •Forgiveness is letting go of anger •Deep love requires surrender •Letting go can be the beginning of control
  6. 6. •It’s “blind,” “intoxicating” •It “makes the world go around” •It’s what we want & fear most •It can lead to control •It is a primary motivator •It just might be who we are LOVE
  7. 7. ANGER •Comes from love & fear •Can destroy love •Judgment •Projection •Victim position •Holding on
  8. 8. FORGIVENESS •Release •Letting go •Return to love •The “good” thing to do
  9. 9. ANGER IS… Wanting something you don’t have: •Justice •Revenge •Change in others
  10. 10. FORGIVENESS IS Accepting and being at peace with… what you do have
  11. 11. ANGER IS… •Energy, emotion—energy in motion •For your benefit & protection •Natural and healthy at its core •Toxic when repressed & denied •Destructive when isolated from love and wisdom
  12. 12. ANGER IS NOT… •The “bad guy” •An effective form of vengeance •Behavior—aggression/violence •A good communicator by itself •The opposite of forgiveness
  13. 13. FORGIVENESS IS NOT… •Absolving the perpetrator •Letting anyone off “the hook” •Approval for behavior •For the forgiven—necessarily •Denying the need for justice
  14. 14. FORGIVENESS IS… •A process—not an end point •Taking responsibility for your wounds •Holding the perpetrator accountable •For benefit of your health •A return to love
  16. 16. UNHEALTHY ANGER •Judgment •“One up” position •Dishonoring to the self
  17. 17. PREMATURE FORGIVENESS •Judgment •“One up” position •Dishonoring to the self
  18. 18. HEALTHY ANGER •Power •Release •Letting go •Out of the victim position •Exists in a container of love
  19. 19. TRUE FORGIVENESS •Power •Release •Letting go •Out of the victim position •Exists in a container of love
  20. 20. 7/3/2014 Thoughts Actions Emotions UNHEALTHY ANGER •“It’ not my fault” •“They” are bad/evil •“I’m good because I’m not them” •Aggression, attack, violence •Passive-aggressive behavior •Depression/illness •Victim feeling •Nursing wounds •Helplessness/powerlessness
  21. 21. 7/3/2014 Thoughts Actions Emotions HEALTHY ANGER •“They are responsible for their actions” •“I am responsible for my reactions” •“How can I grow stronger, wiser, safer?” •Taking time for emotional release •Spiritual practice •Effective, productive action •Power/strength •Release/relief •Forgiveness/acceptance
  22. 22. GRIEF AND FORGIVENESS •Both start with love/vulnerability •Both involve loss/injury •Both are blocked by unexpressed anger, rage, hatred •Both require movement through pain & sorrow •Both involve a return to love
  23. 23. EMPATHY AND ANGER •Perpetrators lack empathy •Empathy is a bridge for communication •Empathy allows other to be human & dispels illusion of self-righteousness
  24. 24. •Both require understanding •Every victim contains a perpetrator •Empathy allows acceptance when forgiveness is not attainable EMPATHY AND FORGIVENESS
  25. 25. •The greatest love •The greatest anger •The greatest need for forgiveness ANGER, LOVE AND FORGIVENESS IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP
  26. 26. THE ROLE OF PROTECTOR/PROVIDER In Intimate Relationships
  27. 27. We need protection from: •Anger •Sarcasm •Neglect •Criticism •Judgment •Projection
  28. 28. And we need to provide: •Love •Safety •Support •Forgiveness •Responsibility •Financial wellness •Spiritual leadership
  29. 29. THE ART OF APPRECIATION 1.Raises the value of a.The relationship b.The person (in your eyes) 2.Lowers your stress level 3.Raises your energy level 4.Inspires loyalty & camaraderie 5.It’s good for your health, so do it for you!
  30. 30. Emotions Reflected in Heart Rhythm Patterns Source:
  31. 31. ANGER, LOVE, FORGIVENESS & YOURSELF •Healing of basic shame •Embracing the inner critic •Becoming your own best friend •Importance of faith and optimism •Accepting freedom and responsibility
  32. 32. Web Resources