The Great Debate of Our Time
by Wellington Grey
http://www.WellingtonGrey.net/

Assumptions:
For the consideration of this argument, both
pirates and ninjas are non-supernatural human
beings. Ninjas don’t have access to extra-
dimensional vortex energy magic. The pirates
aren’t undead-Davey-Jones-fish pirates.

The Battleground:

The Battleground:
Water-based combat and lifestyle are a
core competency of the pirate, giving him
an advantage over 3/4th of Earth’s surface.

Simple Harmonic Motion Favors Pirates
Fighting on a ship requires the combatants to move
with the oscillations of the ship. Pirates would have
a natural advantage in this environment.

Solid Ground Favors Ninjas
However, once off the ship, the pirate
would be at a disadvantage on land. Their
adaptation to the rocking of the ship, would
make them unsteady.
Thus battleground terrain favors the
combatants as shown on the following map:

The Battleground:
: Pirate terrain advantage : Ninja terrain advantage

Presence in Cyberspace

Google Fight

Google Fight
Pirates are more numerous on the web.

Google Fight
Pirates are more numerous on the web.
But that may be a result of ninjas’ stealth.

Life Styles

Ninjas: Totally Cool

Pirates: A Little Gay

Pirates have a drinking problem

But Pirates Get Wenches

Hazards of the Lifestyle
Ninjas are susceptible to vitamin
Pirates are susceptible to scurvy, due
D deficiencies due to their lack
to their unfamiliarity with fresh fruit.
of exposure to sunlight.

Equipment

Pirate Weaponry
Pirates are more well-stocked with weaponry. A pirate
can be assumed to carry at least a sword, dagger, pistol,
gun powder and possibly a hook.
In addition, a pirate has command of a ship which includes
cannons and siege equipment. This gives the pirate
considerable advantage in ranged combat.

Ninja Weaponry
Ninjas carry less equipment than a pirates. While they
can be assumed to carry a sword, they will have more
equipment peripheral to combat, such as grappling hooks,
hallucinogenic powder and flash-bangs.
The ninja ranged weapon, a shuriken, lacks the striking
distance of a pirate’s gun. However, ninjas may employ
more stealthy ranged weapons, such as poisoned darts.

Stealth
Pirates wear clinky gold jewelry, Ninjas? There’s one
and have a clunky peg leg. in this room.
Stealth is not known to pirates.
Even if a pirate tried to sneak
up on a blind and deaf old lady,
she could still smell the pirate
coming.

Training
Ninjas are professional assassins
who train in combat and the ways
of death not just for the job, but
for the art.
Pirates are members of
untrained criminal gangs.
They are not interested in
preparation for combat but
instead seek out buried
treasure and booty.

Stance on Intellectual Property:
Ninjas align themselves with Pirates share movies and music with
the RIAA and MPAA, as they people, which earns them goodwill and
are both enemies of pirates. the support of locals, who may provide
This costs ninjas sympathy them with safe harbor when necessary.
with the general public.

Optics
Pirates depth perception is severely limited due to the
eye patch they wear. This may limit the effectiveness
of their ranged weapons. However, a helpful parrot
may act to counter balance that.
+ =3
=2

Pirates and Ninjas in
Popular Culture

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Even turtles, when trained in the way of the
ninja, are deadly assassins.

The Dread Pirate Roberts
I'd like to see a Ninja go in on a game of
intellect against a Sicilian when DEATH is
on the line!

Divine Intervention

Evidence of Holy Favoritism:
Global Average Temperature Vs Number of Pirates
16.0
This entirely scientific 1980
graph shows that the Temperature (C) 15.5 2000
decrease in the number 15.0 1920 1940
of pirates is causing 1860
14.5
global warming. This is 1880
indisputable evidence 14.0 1820
that pirates are holy 13.5
creatures.
13.0
35000 45000 20000 15000 5000 400 17
Number of Pirates (Approximate)

Divine Intervention:
Global Average Temperature Vs Number of Ninjas
16.0
1980
Temperature (C)
15.5 2000
1920 The relationship
15.0 1940 between the number
1860
14.5 of ninjas and the global
1880 average temperature is
14.0 1820
unknown at this time.
13.5
13.0
? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Number of ninjas unknown for all dates

The evidence demonstrates that the Flying Spaghetti
Monster favors the pirates. This gives pirates a significant
advantage. No matter how well trained a Ninja, he would
be no match for even a single noodley appendage.

So Who Wins?

Pirates?

Ninjas?

No...

Robots Win

The End

Credits:
Presentation created by Wellington Grey
http://www.WellingtonGrey.net/
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