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FAWL Negotiating with Alice in Wonderland
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FAWL Negotiating with Alice in Wonderland

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Alice's adventures in Wonderland upend Victorian gender roles for women and give us an example to lead by. As one critic said, "Alice’s reality is one where women author their own tales, work out …

Alice's adventures in Wonderland upend Victorian gender roles for women and give us an example to lead by. As one critic said, "Alice’s reality is one where women author their own tales, work out their own problems, expect the extraordinary, and speak their minds."

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  • WHY WE FAIL TO NEGOTIATE CONFIDENTLY ON OUR OWN BEHALF & HOW THAT AFFECTS OUR WORKHOW WE FIND OUR OWN RIGHT SIZEWHAT ARE THE TOOLSHOW BEST TO DEAL WITH LACK OF COOPERATIONHOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLEBUT FIRST A STORY
  • ALICE’S FIRST ENCOUNTER – SAYING SHE DOESN’T FIT AND THE DOORKNOB IS WILLING TO HELP HER OUT.
  • Just tell the story
  • NEGOTIATION STARTS WITH THE WILLINGNESS TO DEFINE OURSELVES AS PART OF A COMMUNITY; IN RELATIONSHIP & INDIVIDUALLYCaterpillar – a creature that will become an entirely different being – demands of Alice who she is and where she wants to be. SHE REFUSES TO FURTHER EXPLORE THE TOPIC WITHOUT COOPERATION. “I think you ought to tell me who YOU are first.” Even as she’s trying to learn who she is and what her direction is; she does not let her dream figures off the hook – she will be created in relationship to everyone she meets.
  • “No room no room!!” This is a zero sum game. How will Alice deal with it? She starts by naming the elephant at the table, saying, “there’s plenty of room!” When Alice asks for tea, no one gives it to her so she just takes it herself. Alice uses rational, persuasive argumentation about everything – the way the hatter keeps time, the story the Dormouse tells. The Dormouse shames her for being “uncivil” which brings Alice back into a cooperative state immediately because she’s nothing if not polite. In fact, being polite seems to be her goal in life. That and understanding what’s happening around her.
  • Just GO. Just begin ASKING and as you need the tools, they will make themselves available to you. The cat won’t kiss the King’s hand so the Queen says off with her head. Alice is asked to solve the dilemma – how do you cut off the head of something that is already simply a head. Alice punts, appealing to a higher authority, the Duchess.
  • Alice, operating in a wholly irrational world, is constantly searching for signs of trust. In her calculus, anyone who is able to have a coherent conversation would satisfy her. She relies on sense, fairness. She eats and drinks of the strange world & by so doing, she finds her own power.
  • Throughout the story, Alice is trying to find a center that is uniquely her own. If we are restricted among any of these categories, our clients can’t use us to our full capacity and we can’t use ourselves in that way.
  • One of the culprits for women’s hesitancy to negotiate and tendency to accept far less than she deserves is stereotype threat.
  • Here we have Alice doing what all good girls should. Being polite. Trying to remember her lessons. And she is punished for it while the Red Queen, who pushes herself way beyond gender boundaries does not.
  • In Wonderland, it’s obfuscation or destruction.
  • Alice keeps on trying to apply the rules of the society that raised her and it doesn’t work; she keeps seeing the big picture and tries to come up with strategies.
  • We have been trying to fit ourselves into places in which we simply do not fit and that is true of most negotiation training. Even interest-based negotiation training that is being taught by most of the great negotiation courses today. It is still about “winning” and women don’t want to be the last survivor on a desert island, having collected all the good stuff for herself. She’s relational.
  • Still, we’ve been fitting ourselves into a world we know we have to work harder and faster in for the same reward as our male colleagues. Especially when we become mothers – we’re too distracted by children to give work our full time attention.Let’s talk about what men are distracted by:
  • What are we usually thinking? This is not a study but it reflects more than two years of speaking to thousands of women.
  • Before we move on to interest-based negotiation, let’s talk about the rules of engagement in a male dominated profession. We’re given the tools, but the tools themselves move around.WHO ARE THE STAKEHOLDERS? WHAT DO THEY WANT? WHY DO THEY WANT IT? IS IT ALWAYS MONEY THEY WANT? WHAT DO YOUR CLIENTS WANT BESIDES MONEY? WHAT ARE YOUR INTERESTS?
  • ALICE’S FIRST ENCOUNTER – SAYING SHE DOESN’T FIT AND THE DOORKNOB IS WILLING TO HELP HER OUT.
  • We’re never sure what Alice wants – and that’s the first step.
  • What do you have of value?
  • What does the red queen want?PowerStatusControlWhat does Alice want? SHE WANTS OUT
  • Make the first offer
  • Frame both the purpose of the conversation (fairness, reward for merit, elimination of uncertainty) and frame your preferred resolution as perfectly fitting that frame.
  • What could Alice have done here. The system benefits only the Hatter but if everyone moves, the unacceptable end game will come much sooner and someone’s going to have to problem solve. The problem is not having enough time to clean the dishes. Alice is actually in the best position of anyone in Wonderland to use log rolling because she’s the only one who’s not stuck in the game.
  • Dee and Dum say they are always engaged in battle but never actually do. They are IMPASSE. Fear. Bracket and hypotheticals allow us to float trial balloons without putting a number on the table.
  • Back to the tea party, the Hatter and the Hare are stuffing the dormouse in a kettle. The Dormouse should be sleeping and now his companions are introducing him to the Big Sleep. The punishment for violating the rules here is usually death. No proportionality. What type of contingencies might Alice have offered to solve the tea party problem?
  • The Queen asserts without any evidence that the Knave has been proven guilty by the "evidence." "It doesn't prove anything of the sort," replies Alice. The Queen makes her usual command: "Sentence first — verdict afterward." Alice retorts: "Stuff and Nonsense!" The Queen sentences Alice, but by then Alice has grown to her full height. "Who cares for you?" Alice says. "You're nothing but a pack of cards!”
  • Transcript

    • 1. Alice’sAdventures in Negotiation Land The DisneyWorld VersionFlorida Association of Women Lawyers Orlando, Florida September 20, 2012
    • 2. Alice’s reality is one where women author their own tales,work out their own problems, expect the extraordinary,and speak their minds.
    • 3. Negotiation
    • 4. recognize theopportunity to negotiate
    • 5. Get yourpartner tocome toyour side ofthe line
    • 6. • Yielding/Ingra tiation• Shaming• Persuasive argument• Promises of future action• Threats of future action• Physical force
    • 7. Negotiation is Just aConversation Leading to Agreement
    • 8. Build trust• Food, touch• Similarity• Small talk• Likeability
    • 9. • Kind• Nurturing• Emotional• Weak• Indecisive• Patient• Tolerant• Afraid of conflict
    • 10. Stereotype threat – anxiety when you believe you mightconfirm a negative stereotype about your social group.
    • 11. Gender Blow Back
    • 12. • Ask for something you want & haven’t been able to get• Tell partner who she is; why she keeps saying “no”• Start conversation with offer
    • 13. Male Bargaining AdvantagesFeel bargaining advantageFeel entitled to more rewardsLess likely to back downUse more distributive tacticsFeel entitled to informationSeen as stronger speakers than womenSeek more powerIntimidate
    • 14. Female Bargaining Advantages• Take broad or collective perspective• Task interconnected and interdependent• See the big picture• Formulate systematic plan• Share experiences• Look for mutual gain
    • 15. Within six months of taking top-flight negotiation courses, less than 40% of the womenwere using the skills they learned, compared to 98% of their male counterparts. When asked why, they said they believed that many of the learned negotiation strategies,tactics and skills were inconsistent with who they believed they were as women, and specifically in conflict with their identity and how they saw themselves.
    • 16. We work 22%longer and10% faster for the same reward
    • 17. What theheck are wethinking?????
    • 18. They’ll notice what I’m doing and reward me
    • 19. If they don’t reward me, I don’t deserve it
    • 20. I’ll offend someone and be punished
    • 21. I’d rather be happy than rich
    • 22. It’s selfish to ask for myself
    • 23. • Every negotiation is a mixed motive exchange• What are the rules?• What interests is each player serving?• When there are no rules, you can make them up yourself
    • 24. • Two suspects• Insufficient evidence to convict• Offer – 1 confesses & implicates partner – Prisoners’ Dilemma 1 freed; partner gets 10-year sentence – Both confess and implicate the other, each receive 5-year sentence. – both remain silent, 6-months in jail.• Optimal choice for both cooperate for six-month jail sentence.• The optimal choice for individual suspect is to rat out his partner and secure his own freedom.• What is the rational decision?
    • 25. • If both play red card (uncooperative) each member of pair earns 3 points.• If both play black card (cooperative), each member of pair earns 4 points.• If one plays red card & partner plays black, red card earns 5 & black earns 0 points.• The choice is cooperate or betray. Begin play by holding your card of choice up to your chest.• On 1, 2, 3, play the card of your choice & record your score.
    • 26. Tit for Tat
    • 27. Interest Based Negotiation: Expand pie of benefits to satisfy as many needs, desires, preferences and priorities as possible (“interests”).
    • 28. The costof a thingis theamount oflife youhave totrade forit now orin thefuture.
    • 29. CreateValue
    • 30. Identify Interests
    • 31. Anchor
    • 32. Frame
    • 33. LogRoll
    • 34. Exercise Trade somethingthat is low cost to you but high value to her – five minutes each.
    • 35. Bracketing & Hypothetical Offers
    • 36. Offer Contingencies
    • 37. CompetitiveBargaining
    • 38. Negotiating with Difficult People
    • 39. Perceptions of PowerWhy JerksGet Ahead
    • 40. Are they difficult orsimply uninformed – Educate them about their true interests, consequences of their actions, our BATNA – Help them understand what is in their best interest – Determine whether they’ve misunderstood or ignored a crucial piece of information
    • 41. Are they irrational or operating under hidden constraints – Institutional – Precedential – Promises to others • Hidden stakeholders – Deadlines
    • 42. Are they liars, cheats and thieves or do they have hidden interests?• Personal (unrelated to you or deal);• Relational (related to you but not to deal, i.e., “face”);• Political, social, cultural
    • 43. Close