what is Love..............

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what is Love..............

  1. 1. Love What is love?How do you define it?
  2. 2. Love Unconditional positive regard However according to Levine(2007) adult relationships are highly conditional – we are constantly being evaluated by our partners.
  3. 3. Falling in love - a grave mental disease PlatoFalling in love is a time when the normal become psychotic Freud Cupid‟s arrow
  4. 4. Chemistry of falling in loveWhat are the physical reactions that can accompany „falling inlove‟?„high‟ feeling – excitement, elation, giddinessCause – increased activity of neurotransmitters in brain[norepinephrine, dopamine, esp. phenylethylamine (PEA)]Plus endorphins (morphine like substances) - calming chemicalsLove „highs‟ do not last – usually 6-18 months – possiblybecause body develops tolerance … romantic love is shortlived.Withdrawal – loss of mood lifting chemicals – similar effects towithdrawal of amphets and loss of „calming‟ endorphins –dramatic breakups cause pain. Liebowitz (1983). Chemistry of love.
  5. 5. Words to describe falling in love Your words?  Earth shattering  Trance  Beguiling  Amazed  Exhilarated  Sudden and intense  Trepidation  Struck by Cupid‟s arrow
  6. 6. Romantic love and marriage around the world Romantic love not only a European invention (developed from the Medieval tradition of courtly love). Romantic love - experienced in all cultures, although valued differently between cultures. The more individuals are autonomous (ie. free, not bound by strict family or tribal ties), the more they consider romantic love a requirement for selecting a partner The more bound by family or tribal ties, the less romantic love is considered a prerequisite.
  7. 7. Romantic love is …Knee identifies five components of romantic love:(1) the belief that love conquers all;(2) the belief that each person has only one true love;(3) the expectation that the beloved will live up to the ideals of the lover;(4) love at first sight is possible; and(5) it is better to follow your heart than your head when choosing a partner. Knee (1998)
  8. 8. Intimacy, passion & commitmentStenberg‟s model of love consists of1. intimacy2. passion3. commitment.Various types of love arise as each of these 3 components is added into the mix.These range from non-love (an absence of all 3) to consummate love (the presence of all 3). Sternberg (1988)
  9. 9. Falling in love - why and with whom???If you have ever been in love – what attracted you to your partner?PROXIMITYSIMILARITYRECIPROCITY – when we receive actions of liking or loving, we tend to return the same response (Curtis and Miller, 1988)PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
  10. 10. Essential qualities required to sustain a positive relationship An understanding you are not always right. A willingness to live mainly in the present. Promotion of the other‟s well being and also your own. Active cooperation with each other. A willingness to accept that one‟s partner is not perfect. Coates (1999)
  11. 11. To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the marriage cup, Whenever youre wrong, admit it, Whenever youre right, shut up. Ogden Nash, 1962
  12. 12. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love9 nouns of love - all stages may be experienced throughout adult life - range of possibilities of meaningLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  13. 13. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love1. Love is an idealised ambition - to achieve a lasting state of interpersonal harmony with another – eg. raise children, successful career and enjoyment of life - sexual pleasure and fidelity - a comfortable sense of individuality and couplehood - assist us to mature and cope with life‟s demandsLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  14. 14. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love2. Love is an arrangement – a deal - what will the person bring to my life? - carefully consider potential partner‟s assets - exchanges of hopes, expectations and deals - young people in their first relationships usually don‟t think in these termsLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  15. 15. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love3. Love is an attachment - after the deal comes the attachment - weaving together - sex facilitates this attachmentLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  16. 16. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love4. Love is a moral commitment - eg. a marriage or some sort of ceremony - raises the bar of expectations - people vary in how seriously they take their vows – moral dilemma – guilt around eg. infidelity, divorceLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  17. 17. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love5. Love is a management process - love exists publicly AND in the privacy of each partner‟s mind - both positive and negative (and sometimes keep the negative private) - we protect them – our partner needs the illusion that we don‟t struggle to love them - HIS relationship/ HER relationshipLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  18. 18. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love6. Love is a force of nature - biology – eg. reproduction - how individuals behave - throughout the ever changing relationshipLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  19. 19. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love7. Love is a transient emotional state - a number of feelings - pleasure, interest and sexual arousalLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  20. 20. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love8. Love is an illusion - we want to believe in the illusion - internal processes to maintain the relationship - society and esp media simplifies love as though everyone knows what love isLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  21. 21. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love9. Love as a stop sign - why? - linked to illusion – a defence against self discovery - to end the enquiry – “I love him/her”Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  22. 22. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love Verbs of love - falling - being - stayingLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  23. 23. Staying in love - a study in adult maturation - working through many challenges - putting “money in the bank” – maintains our idealised image of partner - requires competence in the relationshipLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  24. 24. Staying in love – predictors (Gottman)- ability to repair their relationship – de-escalation of negative thoughts and positive regard for other despite problems- women‟s soft presentation of problem and men‟s willingness to stay involved in the conversation- men‟s ability to accept influence from their partner- Humour – environment of positive emotions – good for WHOLE family Gottman, J.M. (1998). Psychology and the study of the marital process. Annual Review of Psychology, 49., 169-197.
  25. 25. Staying in love – 3 more competencies1. Genuineness – sharing our inner world with the other (Fromm)2. Overcoming narcissism – putting the needs of the other (and children) at times ahead of own needs3. Negotiation and share decision makingLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  26. 26. Assisting people to stay in love - speaking1. The capacity to know what one thinks and feels2. The willingness to explain it to another3. The skill to express the feelings and the ideas with wordsLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  27. 27. Assisting people to stay in love - listening1. An uncritical acceptance of what is said2. An awareness of the importance of the moment for the speaker3. A grasp of what is being said4. A sense of privilege that he/she is present to hear what the speaker has to sayLevine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  28. 28. Fair communication1. No name calling2. No threatening to leave, divorce or other withdrawal strategy3. No needless assaults on the other person‟s vulnerability (vulnerabilities that they each know so well)Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
  29. 29. “If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? … And why are you waiting?” Stephen Levine
  30. 30. Dido – Thank you (No Angel 2000) My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all The morning rain clouds up my window And I can’t see at all. And even if I could it’d all be grey But your picture on my wall It reminds me that it’s not so bad It’s not so bad. I drank too much last night, Got bills to pay, My head just feels in pain I missed the bus And there’ll be hell today. I’m late for work again And even if I’m there They’ll imply that I might not last the day.
  31. 31. And then you call me and it’s not so bad It’s not that bad and … I want to thank you For giving me the best day of my life. Oh just to be with you Is having the best day of my life. Push the door, I’m home at lastAnd I’m soaking through and through Then you handed me a towel And all I see is you.And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn’t have a clue Because you’re near me and … I just want to thank you….

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