Woody Allen Sayings Made by G.Matus Sound: Louis Armstrong- Weary blues

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.

I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable, as ones hat keeps falling off...

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

I am at two with nature.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.