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Never Be Lied to Again

Never Be Lied to Again






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    Never Be Lied to Again Never Be Lied to Again Document Transcript

    • ACKNOWLEDGMENTSI would like to thank Jennifer Enderlin, my editor at St.Martins. She is an exceptional talent whose ability ismatched only by her boundless passion for her work.And to those who have worked tirelessly, my warmestthanks to the publicity, marketing, advertising, and salesdepartments at St. Martins for their intense efforts andcommitment: Alison Lazarus, John Cunningham, SteveKasdin, John Murphy, Jamie Brickhouse, Mike Storrings,Janet Wagner, Mark Kohut, and James Wehrle, and to theentire Broadway Sales Department for their continued ef-forts on behalf of this book. A special thanks to St. Martinspublisher, Sally Richardson, for her vast enthusiasm andbelief in this project.A thousand thanks to David Stanford Burr, production ed-itor, and Nancy Inglis, copy editor, for their outstandingwork on the manuscript. Their hard work and diligence isevident throughout this entire book.
    • I would like to thank my agents, Michael Larsen and Eliz-abeth Pomada. The success of their agency is a clear reflec-tion of their professionalism and dedication. In an industryof giants, they stand without equals.My infinite appreciation and gratitude to Barbara and Wil-liam ORourke, who gave me the two things every writerneeds: tranquility and computer help. And my thanks toLaurie Rosin, one of the nations leading freelance editors,for invaluable input and suggestions.While much of information in this book is based on newlydeveloped and leading-edge research and technologies, Iwould be remiss if I did not acknowledge the evolution ofthe process and contributions of those giants in the fields ofhuman behaviour, linguistics, and hypnosis: MiltonErickson, Robert Cialdini, Paul Ekman, Fred Bootle, ElliotAronson, Judson Mills, Stephen Worchel, Jack Brehm,Stanley Milgram, and Ray Birdwhistell.
    • A NOTE TO R E A D E R STo those in law enforcement: make sure that you check ap-propriate federal and state laws regarding both interviewingand interrogation. Those in the private sector must use judg-ment and common sense when using this system. Cautionis always advised when you are dealing with individualssuspected of illegal acts or illicit activities. There will be those who will try to use this informationto manipulate others and exploit situations. But do you holdback information that can help people because of a fear thatthere will be those who will abuse it? To live in a worldwhere information is distributed based upon the damagethat can be caused by the lowest common denominator isto spiral away from progress and away from hope. It is with high hope and expectation that the techniquesin this book will be used appropriately, with benevolence,and with the purposes for which they were intended.
    • INTRODUCTION THE PROCESS A N D THE P O W E RHonesty is at the cornerstone of every relationship, whetherits business or personal. Being aware of someone elses trueintentions is undeniably valuable, often saving you time,money, energy, and heartache. When you know a personstrue intent, you have the power to control the situation, orat the very least not be taken advantage of. There is no greater ability than consistently and con-stantly making the right decisions in life. Remember,though, your decisions are only as solid and right as thefacts that you base them on. You will learn how to get atthe message beneath the words, how to know what peopleare thinking when they dont say whats really on theirmind. A former client of mine put it best when she said,"Its like having a man inside their camp—an outpost intheir head." In an ideal society there would be no need for lies or forthis book. But we live in a world of deception. And whetheryou want to play or not, youre in the game. The questionis, do you want to win? In romance you need never play thefool again. In business youll get the upper hand. Whereverand whenever you deal with people, youll have the tools tocome out a winner. W H A T S IN T H I S B O O K A N D H O W TO U S E ITIm what is affectionately referred to as a hired gun, a spe-cialist in the field of human behaviour. As a board-certifiedhypnotherapist with a Ph.D. in psychology, I represent cor-porations as well as private individuals, and offer a type ofleverage that many high-paid attorneys, top-notch account-ants, and seasoned executives cannot. Too often we miss the meaning behind the message. Asyou know, people dont always say what they mean or meanwhat they say. This book focuses on the truth and how toget at it. To be an effective negotiator, you must use manystrategies and techniques, all of them relying upon theaccuracy of the information youre given. The answersyou get from the worlds most powerful supercomputerare worthless if the numbers you give it to work with arewrong.
    • We often forget how easily facts can get lost in a conver-sation, negotiation, or interrogation. Abraham Lincoln issaid to have posed the following question: "How many legswould a sheep have if you called its tail a leg?" "Four,"explained Lincoln. "Because calling its tail a leg doesntmake it one." While people lie for many different reasons, their lyingrarely benefits the person lied to. And theres that one un-deniable truth about lying. Everybody does it, but nobodylikes it when its done to them. It takes at least two people for a lie to be effective—oneto offer the lie and one to believe it. And while we certainlycant stop people from trying to lie to us, we can keep themfrom being successful. This book is divided into eight parts, each of which ex-plores a facet of lying. The innovative techniques in thisbook will help you figure out if youre being lied to. If youare the victim of a deception, they will assist you in gettingat the truth and in gaining control over the situation. Manyof the examples in this book are drawn from personal re-lationships and business situations; certainly most of us canidentify with these scenarios. PART 1 S I G N S OF D E C E P T I O NThis book picks up where others leave off, going well be-yond observing body language clues. The first part offers acatalogue of forty-six clues to deception, divided into sevensections. Some of the clues involve the fundamentals of bodylanguage, while others use more advanced techniques andprocesses such as psycholinguistic emphasis and neural lin-guistic choice perception. Each section concludes with asummary for easy reference.
    • PART 2 BECOMING A HUMAN LIE DETECTOR"We often fly blind into verbal combat." That is to say, weusually think of the questions we should have asked twodays after the battle is over. This section offers a specificgame plan to detect deceit, detailing exactly what to say andwhen to say it. This sophisticated system involves choosingfrom a variety of scripted sequences, each from a differentpsychological angle. Each script includes a primer, an at-tack sequence, and silver bullets. PART 3 TACTICS FOR DETECTING DECEIT AND G A T H E R I N G I N F O R M A T I O N IN CASUAL CONVERSATIONSNow what about those times in casual conversation when youthink someone might be lying to you, but a full-fledged inter-rogation is out of the question? This section provides phe-nomenal techniques for gathering more information withoutbeing obvious. You will also learn how to steer a conversationin any direction that you choose in order to get the informa-tion that you want. This section also covers those times whendifferent tactics are necessary for getting to the truth, in-stances where you may not have the leverage you need. Thepsychological process is different than if you were comingfrom a position of strength. PART 4 MIND GAMES"Mind Games" includes two simple techniques that provideextraordinary results. When you use the first, almost no onewill be able to lie to you. When you employ the second,you will be able to discern anybodys true intentions andmotivation in any situation.
    • PART 5 ADVANCED TECHNIQUESThis section presents the most advanced and groundbreak-ing techniques for getting at the truth. Using a blend ofhypnosis and a system I have developed called Trance-Scripts, youll be able to give commands directly to peoplesunconscious minds—all in conversation and without theirawareness. Through this process you can persuade others totell the truth. PART 6 P S Y C H O L O G Y ON Y O U R S I D EThis part explores the ten fundamental laws of humanbehaviour, the principles that govern our thinking. Onceyou learn these laws, youll know how to get the truth outof anyone. With an understanding of how the brainprocesses information, you will be able to easily influenceother peoples decisions. PART 7 INTERNAL TRUTH BLOCKERSHeres the biggest truth in a book about lying: we lie loudestwhen we lie to ourselves. We all know someone who abso-lutely refuses to believe that his or her spouse is unfaithful,despite all the warning signs. This section shows you howto become aware of and eliminate those internal blockersthat keep you from seeing whats really going on.
    • PART 8 EXTERNAL TRUTH BLOCKERSThis section lets us in on the psychological secrets of theexperts. You will discover how the pros—from professionalpoker players to master negotiators—keep you from per-ceiving the facts in an objective fashion, even affect yourability to evaluate information. The influence of the pros isenormous; they can have a powerful impact on your per-ception of reality—unless, of course, youve read this bookand can outthink them. Note to readers: Throughout all of the examples in this book the pro-nouns he and she are used alternately. This was done to make the languageless sexist, not to indicate that one sex is more likely to lie in given situ-ations than the other.
    • PART 1S I G N S OF D E C E P T I O N "He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips aresilent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore." —S IGMUND F REUD
    • This part contains a catalogue of forty-six clues todeception, divided into seven sections. The clues can beused independently or in conjunction with one another.While some are excellent indicators by themselves, allclues should be viewed within the context of the situationat hand; they are not absolutes. Some of these are so subtle that they can easily be missedunless you pay close attention. Others may be glaringly ob-vious. In some instances youll be looking for lies of omis-sion—whats missing that should be there. Other timesyoull be dealing with lies of commission—things said ordone that are inconsistent with the rest of the message. Occasionally you wont have access to all these clues: youmight be on the telephone, for instance, and not be able tosee the body of the person you are talking to. Its not nec-essary to memorize these clues, for in time they will becomesecond nature: you will gradually become more familiarwith what to look for, what to listen for, and what to askfor, to get to the truth. Certain variables such as gender, ethnicity, and culturalbackground can influence how we interpret various clues—the use of gestures and personal space, for example. For themost part, though, these factors are negligible and can beignored. Some of the clues draw on traditional psychological dis-ciplines such as body language and psycholinguistics. Theseare used to detect discrepancies between the verbal and thenonverbal message. You will also be using more sophisti-cated methods developed as a result of my research in thefield of human behaviour. One such tool, psycholinguisticemphasis (PLE), involves the words that people choose toreflect their current psychological state. Once you realize that youre being lied to, should youconfront the liar immediately? Usually not. The best ap-proach is to note the fact in your mind and continue withthe conversation, trying to extract more information. Onceyou confront someone who has lied to you, the tone of theconversation changes and gathering additional facts be-comes difficult. Therefore, wait until you have all the evi-dence you want and then decide whether to confront theperson at that time or hold off to figure how you can bestuse this insight to your advantage.
    • SECTION 1 BODY LANGUAGEOur fingers, hands, arms, and legs and their movementsoffer a fascinating insight into our true feelings. Most peoplearent aware that their body speaks a language all its own;try as they will to deceive you with their words, the truthcan be always silently observed. You may already have read or heard about some of theseclues, but they are only a small portion of the tactics thatyou will learn. CLUE 1 The Language of the EyesNo or little direct eye contact is a classic sign of deception.A person who is lying to you will do everything to avoidmaking eye contact. Unconsciously he feels you will be ableto see through him—via his eyes. And feeling guilty, hedoesnt want to face you. Instead he will glance down or hiseyes may dart from side to side. Conversely, when we tellthe truth or were offended by a false accusation, we tendto give our full focus and have fixed concentration. We lockeyes with our accuser as if to say "Youre not getting awayuntil we get to the bottom of this." CLUE 2 The Body Never Lies Lacking AnimationThe hands and arms are excellent indicators of deceit be-cause they are used to gesture with and are more easily vis-ible than our feet and legs. But hands, arms, legs, and feetcan all give us information if were watching carefully.When someone is lying or keeping something in, he tends tobe less expressive with his hands or arms. He may keep themon his lap if hes sitting, or at his side if hes standing; hemay stuff his hands in his pockets or clench them. Fingersmay be folded into the hands; full extension of the fingers isusually a gesture of openness. Have you ever noticed that when youre passionate aboutwhat youre saying, your hands and arms wave all about,emphasizing your point and conveying your enthusiasm?And have you ever realized that when you dont believe in
    • what youre saying, your body language echoes these feel-ings and becomes inexpressive? Additionally, if you ask someone a question and herhands clench or go palm down, this is a sign of defensivenessand withdrawal. If she is genuinely confused at the accu-sations or the line of questioning, her hands turn palm-upas if to say "Give me more information; I do not under-stand" or "I have nothing to hide." Keeping Something InWhen a person sits with his legs and arms close to his body,perhaps crossed but not outstretched, he is evincing thethought Im keeping something in. His arms and legs maybe crossed because he feels he must defend himself. Whenwe feel comfortable and confident we tend to stretch out—claim our space, as it were. When we feel less secure, wetake up less physical space and fold our arms and legs intoour body, into what is almost a foetal position. Displaying Artificial MovementsArm movements and gestures seem stiff and almost me-chanical. This behaviour can be readily observed bywatching unpolished actors and politicians. They try to usegestures to convince us that theyre impassioned about theirbeliefs, but theres no fluidity to their movements. Themovements are contrived, not natural. CLUE 3 The Unconscious Cover-upIf her hand goes straight to her face while she is respondingto a question or when she is making a statement, this is oftenan indication of deceit. Her hand may cover her mouthwhile she is speaking; indicating that she really doesnt be-lieve what she is saying to be true; it acts as a screen, anunconscious attempt to hide her words. When she is listening she covers or touches her face as anunconscious manifestation of the thought / really don % wantto be listening to this. Touching the nose is also consideredto be a sign of deception, as well as scratching behind or onthe side of the ear or rubbing the eyes. This should not be confused with the posture associatedwith deep thought, which usually conveys concentrationand attention.
    • CLUE 4 The Partial ShrugThe shrugging of ones shoulders is a gesture that usually in-dicates ignorance or indifference: "I dont know" or "I dontcare." If a person makes this gesture he or she usually meansto communicate that very message. However, if this gestureis fleeting—if you catch only a glimpse of it—its a sign ofsomething else. This person is trying to demonstrate that sheis casual and relaxed about her answer, when in fact she re-ally isnt. Because what she feels isnt a true emotion, shedoesnt really shrug. This situation is similar to that of someone who is em-barrassed by a joke but wants to pretend that she thinks itsfunny. What you see is a "lips only" smile, not a big grinencompassing her entire face. SUMMARY • The person will make little or no eye contact. • Physical expression will be limited, with few arm and hand movements. What arm and hand movements are present will seem stiff, and mechanical. Hands, arms, and legs pull in toward the body; the individual takes up less space. • His hand(s) may go up to his face or throat. But contact with his body is limited to these areas. He is also unlikely to touch his chest with an open hand gesture. • If he is trying to appear casual and relaxed about his answer, he may shrug a little. SECTION 2 EMOTIONAL STATES: CONSISTENCY AND CONTRADICTIONIndividual gestures need to be looked at by themselvesand in relation to what is being said. In this section weregoing to look at the relationship between words and thecorresponding gestures. Besides obvious inconsistenciessuch as shaking your head from side to side while sayingyes, more subtle but equally revealing signs of deceptionexist. These take place at both the conscious and the un-conscious level.
    • Then there are times when we make a conscious effort toemphasize our point, but because the gesture is forced itlacks spontaneity and the timing is off. When you knowwhat to look for, this is readily apparent. Inconsistencies between gestures, words, and emotionsare also great indicators, in that youre presented with adual message. One example is a person who grins while sheexpresses sorrow to a friend whose spouse has left her. Watch for what is known as the initial reaction expression(IRE). This is an initial expression of true feelings that maylast for less than a second, just until the person you areobserving has a chance to mask them. Even if you cant readthe fleeting expression, the fact that it has changed is reasonenough to suspect that the emotion you are currently seeingis false. CLUE 5 Timing Is EverythingIf the persons head begins to shake in a confirming direc-tion before or as the words come out, this is a good indi-cation that he is telling the truth. However, if he shakes hishead after the point is made, he may be trying to demon-strate conviction, but because its a contrived movement-one not based on emotion—the timing is off. Also look for hand and arm movements that punctuate apoint after its been made. The gesture looks like an after-thought because thats what it is. He wants to get his wordsout fast but realizes that maybe he should look really madand play the part. Additionally, hand and arm movementswill not only start late but will seem mechanical and wontcoincide with verbal punctuation. If you wanted to convince someone that you were angrywhen you really werent, you would want to play the partand look angry. But theres more to it than that. The timingof that angry facial expression matters. If the facial expres-sion comes after the verbal statement ("I am so angry withyou right now" . . . pause . . . and then the angry expres-sion), it looks false. Showing the expression before the "Imso angry" line wouldnt indicate deceptiveness. It wouldonly suggest that you are thinking about what you aresaying or are having some difficulty in deciding how toexpress your anger. Also, someone who believes in his words will be inclinedto move his head on important syllables to drive home apoint. Whether up and down or side to side, the head move-ment is supposed to punctuate particular points and ideas.
    • A mechanical nodding without regard to emphasis indicatesa conscious movement. These conscious movements are in-tended to show emphasis, but when a person is lying suchmovements are not part of the natural rhythm of the mes-sage. CLUE 6 Contradiction and ConsistencyNot only is the timing important, but we need to pay atten-tion to the type of gesture. The woman who frowns as shesays she loves you is sending a contradictory message. Anobvious incongruence between gestures and speech indi-cates that the speaker is lying. A good example is the manwho tries to tell his girlfriend he loves her while shaking hisfist in the air. Similarly, hands tightly clenched and a state-ment of pleasure are not in synch with each other. Makesure that the gesture fits the speech. CLUE 7 The Emotion CommotionThe timing of emotions is something thats difficult to fake.Watch closely and you probably wont be fooled. A responsethats not genuine is not spontaneous; therefore, there is aslight delay in the onset of false emotion. The duration ofthe emotion is also off: The response goes on longer than itwould in the case of genuine emotion. The fade-out—howthe emotion ends—is abrupt. So the emotion is delayedcoming on, stays longer than it should, and fades outabruptly. The emotion of surprise is a great example. Surprisecomes and goes quickly, so if it is prolonged it is most likelyfalse. But when we are feigning surprise, most of us keep alook of awe plastered on our faces; this look wont reallyfool an aware observer.
    • CLUE 8 The Expression Zone: Beware the Smile That Doesnt Seem HappyDeception expressions are often confined to the mouth area.A smile thats genuine lights up the whole face. When asmile is forced, the persons mouth is closed and tight andtheres no movement in the eyes or forehead. A smile thatdoes not involve the whole face is a sign of deception.While were on this subject, be aware that the smile is themost common mask for emotion because it best conceals theappearance in the lower face of anger, disgust, sadness, orfear. In other words, a person who doesnt want her truefeelings to be revealed may "put on a happy face." But re-member, if the smile does not reflect a true emotion—hap-piness, for example—it will not encompass her entire face. SUMMARY • The timing is off between gestures and words. • The head moves in a mechanical fashion. • Gestures dont match the verbal message. • The timing and duration of emotional gestures will seem off. • Expression will be limited to the mouth area when the person is feigning certain emotions— happiness, surprise, awe, and so on. SECTION 3 INTERPERSONAL INTERACTIONSYou want to be aware of a persons posture in and of itselfand in relation to his surroundings. How the person carrieshimself and behaves in relation to what he says is an excel-lent indication of his comfort level. Its widely believed that when we are wrongfully accusedwe become defensive. In fact, generally speaking, only aguilty person gets defensive. Someone who is innocent willusually go on the offensive. If Mary and John are arguingand Mary accuses John of something, John doesnt auto-matically assume a defensive posture. If he is innocent andobjects to what Mary is saying, he will go on the offensive.
    • The following clues look at the distinctions between thesetwo states of mind. CLUE 9 The Head ShiftIf someone is uttering or listening to a message that makesher uncomfortable, her head may shift away from the oneshe is talking to. This is an attempt to distance herself fromthe source of the discomfort. If she is comfortable with herposition and secure in her actions, she will move her headtoward the other person in an attempt to get closer to thesource of information. Watch for an immediate and pro-nounced jerking of the head or a slow deliberate withdrawal.Either may happen. This action is very different from—and should not beconfused with—a slight tilt of the head to the side. Thisoccurs when we hear something of interest. Its consideredto be a vulnerable pose and would not be adopted by aperson with something to hide.
    • CLUE 10 The Posture of a LiarWhen a person feels confident about a situation and con-versation, he stands erect or sits up straight. This behaviouralso indicates how people feel about themselves in general.Those who are secure and confident stand tall, with shoul-ders back. Those who are insecure or unsure of themselvesoften stand hunched over, with their hands in their pockets.Studies have shown that the best way to avoid beingmugged is to walk briskly, with your head up and your armsmoving. Such a style of moving conveys confidence. A con-versation that produces feelings of confidence or those ofinsecurity will produce the concomitant physical posture. CLUE 11 If Shes Headed for the Door . . .Just as we move away from someone who threatens us phys-ically, the person who feels at a psychological disadvantagewill shift or move away from her accuser. When we feelpassionate about our ideas, in an attempt to persuade theother person, we move toward him. The liar is reluctant tomove toward or even face the source of the threat. She turnssideways or completely away and rarely stands squared off.The face-to-face demeanour is reserved for the personwho seeks to refute a slanderous statement. This is not thecase when theres deceit.
    • Also look for a movement in the direction of the exit.Feeling uncomfortable, she may angle her body or actuallymove toward the exit. While standing she may position herback to the wall. Her psychological exposure causes her toseek physical refuge. Feeling verbally ambushed, she wantsto make sure that she can see whats coming next. Thosewho are confident and comfortable dont mind taking centrestage. CLUE 12 If Hes Not Touchin, Hes Probably BluffinThe person who is being deceitful will have little or no phys-ical contact with the one he is talking to. This is an excellentand quite reliable indicator. While making a false statement,or during a conversation containing one, the liar will rarelytouch the other person. Hes unconsciously reducing the levelof intimacy to help alleviate his guilt. Touch indicates psy-chological connection; its used when we believe strongly inwhat were saying. CLUE 13 The Finger That Never PointsSomeone who is lying or hiding something rarely points afinger, either at others or straight up in the air. Finger point-ing indicates conviction and authority as well as emphasisof a point. Someone whos not standing on solid groundprobably wont be able to muster this nonverbal cue of dis-dain. CLUE 14 Roadblocks, Barriers, and ObstaclesSee if he uses inanimate objects—a pillow, a drinking glass,anything—to form a barrier between you and him. Just asyou would shield yourself from physical harm, so, too, doeshe protect himself from a verbal assault. How comfortablesomeone is with a particular topic can be readily seen in howopen he is to discussing it. Placing a physical barrier be-tween you and him is the verbal equivalent of "I dont wantto talk about it," indicating deception or a covert intention.Since he cant get up and leave, his displeasure manifests
    • itself in the formation of physical barriers between him andthe source of the discomfort. Jim, a colleague of mine, told me an interesting storyabout his former boss, who was president of a large man-ufacturing company. Whenever Jim was in the bosss officeand brought up employee problems, product flaws, or any-thing that made the president uncomfortable, his bosswould place his coffee mug on the desk in front of him,between them both. Then he would casually and quite un-consciously line up all of the desk accessories, forming aclear barrier between himself and his employee. SUMMARY • Theres movement away from his accuser, possibly in the direction of the exit. • He is reluctant to face his accuser and may turn his head or shift his body away. • The person who is lying will probably slouch; he is unlikely to stand tall with his arms out or outstretched. There will be little or no physical contact during his attempt to convince you. • He will not point his finger at the person he is trying to convince. • He may place physical objects between himself and his accuser. SECTION 4 W H A T IS S A I D : A C T U A L V E R B A L C O N T E N T "The cruellest lies are often told in silence." —R OBERT L OUIS S TEVENSONThe words we choose to express ourselves provide a windowto our true feelings. When we wish to deceive, we choose cer-tain words, phrases, and syntax that we think will conveytruth in our message. Think of the many ways you can com-municate the word yes, from the verbal to the nonverbal.How we choose to express ourselves indicates how stronglywe believe what we say. There are subtle differences between what the truthsounds like and what a lie dressed up to sound truth-ful sounds like. The words we choose to convey a messageare much more reflective of our true feelings than you mightsuspect.
    • CLUE 15 Using Your Words to Make His PointHave you ever noticed how you respond to social gesturesof courtesy when youre preoccupied? In the morning, whenyou walk into your office and someone says "Good morn-ing" to you, you respond with "Good morning." If youregreeted with "Hello," you answer "Hello." Youre just notinterested in making the effort to think. In this clue, though, the person accused doesnt have timeto think, so he reflects back the statement of his accuser outof fear. Because he is caught off guard, he replies using theother persons words, but in the negative. Making a positivestatement negative is the fastest way to get the words out.For example, an aggrieved spouse asks, "Did you cheat onme?" The liar answers, "No, I didnt cheat on you." "Didyou ever cheat on me?" draws the response "No, I nevercheated on you." Did you becomes didnt and ever becomesnever. Remember, above all else, the guilty wants to get hisanswer out fast. Any delay makes him feel like he appearsmore guilty. And to the guilty every second that passesseems like an eternity. Skilled interviewers and interrogators know the followingrule concerning contractions. When a suspect uses a con-traction—"It wasnt me" instead of "It was not me"—sta-tistically speaking, there is a 60 percent chance hes beingtruthful. Sometimes the guilty, in an attempt to sound em-phatic, dont want to use a contraction in their statement ofinnocence; they want to emphasize the not. CLUE 16 The More He Tries, the More You Should WorryIts often been said that the best people to sell to are thosewho have signs posted saying NO SALESMAN OR SOLICITORS.These people know that they can be sold anything, so theyattempt to deflect salespeople from trying. A person speaking the truth is not concerned aboutwhether you misunderstand him; he is always willing toclarify. The liar wants to be sure that you understand hispoint immediately so that he can change the subject and nofurther questions will be asked. When his evidence is fragile,the words he uses are bold and solid, to compensate. Forexample, asked if he ever cheated on a test in law school,Peter might respond with "Im pretty sure I never did." Ifhe had and wanted to convince someone to the contrary, hisresponse is likely to be more definitive: "No, I would never
    • cheat on a test." Of course someone who never has cheatedmight give the same answer, so this statement needs to beconsidered in the context of the conversation and in con-junction with other clues. Sometimes people who adamantly assert an opinion orview dont even hold it themselves. If they were confidentin their thinking, they would not feel a need to compensate.If someone says right up front that he positively wontbudge, it means one thing: He knows he can be swayed. Heneeds to tell you this so you wont ask, because he knowshell cave in. Ironically, the confident person will use phrases like "Imsorry, this is pretty much the best we can do" or "Im afraidtheres not a whole lot of room for negotiation here." Thispersons words provide comfort for his opponent, not ashield for himself. CLUE 17 The Good Old Freudian SlipSometimes we say one thing when we mean to say another.This is referred to as a Freudian slip, a subconscious leakwhen a persons misspoken words reflect and reveal his truefeelings, thoughts, or intentions. For example, someone whomeans to say, "We worked really hard on the project; it tookus all night to complete it," might slip and say, "We workedreally hard on the project; it took us all night to copy it."Theres a great joke about these unconscious slip-ups. Aman confessed to his friend that he had made a Freudianslip during a recent dinner with his parents. He said, "Imeant to say Could you please pass the salt? to my mother.Instead it came out as I had a terrible childhood and youveruined my life, you wicked woman. CLUE 18 Im Above That Sort of ThingWhen a person is asked a question, if he responds with ananswer that depersonalizes and globalizes the question, beaware. Lets say you ask someone, "Were you honest withme about our conversation yesterday?" Watch out if youget a reply like "Of course I was. I would never lie to you.You know how I feel about lying." Or when someone isasked, "Did you ever steal from your last job?" he respondswith, "No, I think stealing from ones job is the worst thing
    • you can do." Or "Did you ever cheat on me?" And you hear,"You know Im against that sort of thing. I think it morallyreprehensible." To sound more emphatic, a liar offers ab-stract assurances as evidence of his innocence in a specificinstance. In his mind the evidence doesnt weighfavourably for him, so he brings in his fictitious beliefsystem to back him up. CLUE 19 Silence Is Gold-PlatedHave you ever experienced a first date where a lapse in con-versation caused uneasiness or anxiety? When youreuncomfortable, silence adds to your discomfort. Conversely,some married couples can be comfortable in each otherspresence for hours without a single word being exchanged.The guilty are uncomfortable with silence. When someone is asked a question, take notice if he con-tinues to add more information without being prodded. Atypical scenario would go like this: You ask Jack where hewas Friday night. He responds with "I was out with myfriends." You dont acknowledge his answer. Jack gets ner-vous because in his mind he hasnt sold you. So he goes on:"We went to the movies." Hell continue adding new factsuntil you respond, thus letting him know that hes convincedyou. This should not be confused with the person who says itall right away. The guilty tells his story in dribs and drabsuntil he gets a verbal confirmation to stop. He speaks to fillthe gap left by the silence. CLUE 20 An Implied Answer Is No AnswerOften when a person doesnt want to respond to a questionhe will imply an answer. For example, Ralph is speaking onthe telephone with a girl he has never met before. He saysjokingly, "So, are you gorgeous?" She proceeds to tell himthat she works out three times a week, takes an aerobicsclass every other day, and has dated several male models.This is a non-answer. She is attempting to circumvent thequestion altogether by implying that she is attractive. The following exchange is from a press conference be-tween reporter Helen Thomas and President Nixons presssecretary, Ronald Ziegler, during the Watergate scandal.
    • THOMAS: Has the President asked for any resignations so far and have any been submitted or on his desk?ZlEGLER: I have repeatedly stated, Helen, that there is no change in the status of the White House staff.THOMAS: But that was not the question. Has he asked for any resignations?ZlEGLER: I understand the question, and I heard it the first time. Let me go through my answer. As I have said, there is no change in the status of the White House staff. There have been no resignations submitted. The question "Has the President asked for any resigna-tions?" was not answered either directly or indirectly. Zie-gler tried to imply that he was giving an answer to thequestion, but he never did answer it. SUMMARY • He will use your words to make his point. • He will keep adding more information until hes sure that he has sold you on his story. • He may stonewall, giving the impression that his mind is made up. This is often an attempt to limit your challenges to his position. • Watch out for the good old Freudian slip. • He depersonalizes his answer by offering his belief on the subject instead of answering directly. • He may imply an answer but never state it directly. SECTION 5 H O W S O M E T H I N G IS S A I D "What is the use of lying when the truth, well distributed, serves the same purpose." —W.E. FORSTERI know a hair stylist who would go into the womans pursefor his tip after the haircut. No one ever got upset with himbecause he did it in such an innocent way that you just hadto laugh. Its how he did it that made all the difference. Two salespeople can read all the manuals on selling andlearn all the sales pitches there are, and one will still sell farmore than the other. While the two speak the same words,
    • these words convey completely different messages. Howsomething is said is often just as important as what is said.Emphasis on different parts of a sentence can covey com-pletely different meanings. Notice the different ways thephrase "Michelle was caught stealing from her boss" can beinterpreted depending upon where the emphasis is placed. Michelle / was / caught / stealing / from her / boss a b e d e fa. By emphasizing the name Michelle, youre conveying the significance of who stole.b. Emphasis on was draws attention to the fact that it has already happened.c. Emphasis on caught indicates that the fact that she got caught is unusual.d. Stress on stealing lets us know that stealing is out of char- acter for her.e. If from her is emphasized, the fact that she stole from her own boss is unusual.f. Emphasis on boss shows that it was unusual for her to steal from a boss—any boss. This section explores the subtleties of communication.You will see how the speakers hidden thoughts are alwayshinged to the expression of his words. CLUE 21 Speedy GonzalesTheres a rule of thumb about the speed at which an indi-vidual answers. It is most germane when you ask about in-tangibles—attitudes or beliefs—instead of facts. A wellknown restaurant chain uses a timed test response in theirhiring process. They will ask the interviewee if she has anyprejudices against other ethnic groups or if she feels uncom-fortable working with or serving certain people. The longerit takes her to answer no, the lower her score. This questionconcerns a belief and requires internal processing. Someonewho holds no such prejudice answers quickly. A person whois prejudiced takes longer to evaluate the question and for-mulate her answer. The prejudiced person tries to come upwith the "right" answer, which takes more time than merelygiving an honest answer. Another element to consider is pacing. How fast does therest of the sentence follow the initial one-word response? Intruthful statements a fast no or yes is followed quickly byan explanation. If the person is being deceitful the rest ofthe sentence may come more slowly because she gets thatno or yes out quickly but then needs time to think up anexplanation.
    • CLUE 22 CompensationBe suspicious of someone whose reaction is all out of pro-portion to the question or comment. This person is attempt-ing to accomplish a variety of objectives. She wants toappear outraged by the accusation, but she is not. So sheexaggerates her displeasure, often ending up going a littleoverboard. She tries to convince you because the evidencedoesnt. As Shakespeare said, "The lady doth protest toomuch." Also beware of diatribes where she repeats pointsthat she has already made. Sometimes a person may claim to be indignant about acause or belief because he is trying to convince himself alongwith his accuser. This reaction, interestingly enough, takesplace at the unconscious level. The man who claims to beadamantly against prostitution may be covering up his truefeelings, which are the exact opposite. Not wanting to be-come consciously aware of what he really believes, he re-inforces his overt attitude by expressing it aggressively. Ofcourse, though, the person could just be passionate abouthis cause, so this statement needs to be viewed within thecontext of the conversation. This person is also reluctant to use words that conveyattachment and ownership. For example, while lying abouthis car having been stolen, he may refer to it as "the car"or "that car" and not "my car" or "our car." When lyingabout a relationship or actions toward a person, he may usesuch phrases as "that child," or "the relationship," insteadof "my child" or "our relationship." CLUE 23 Emphasis Makes the MeaningThe pronouns /, we1 and us are underused or absent. Theliar doesnt want to own his words. When a person is makinga truthful statement, he emphasizes the pronoun as muchas or more than the rest of the sentence. Instead of saying,"Yes, I am," a person who is lying may respond with asimple yes. Words of expression are not emphasized. For example,"We had a greeeat time!" conveys ownership of his words.Now say quickly, "It went great"—bland and noncommittal. When a person is speaking truthfully, the initial one-ortwo-word agreement or denial may be elongated for em-phasis—"Nooo," "Yeeesss," or "Of courrrse." This type ofemphasis is usually absent in deception. This elongation oc-curs because the person is comfortable with his position anddoesnt mind "playing" with his answer. A friend of minewho is an acting coach tells me that unpolished actors often
    • speak all the words in their lines with equal emphasis, adead giveaway that they are novices. The simple practice ofelongating key words often makes for much more believableperformances. Additionally, there will probably be no highs or lows, justin-betweens. Not only is the voice higher—like any othermuscle, the vocal cords tighten under stress—but variedvoice inflection may be missing. We generally use inflectionfor emphasis when we are making a point. A deceitful state-ment often is delivered in a flat voice devoid of any realnuances. CLUE 24 The MumblerThe words themselves may not be clear; they seem forced.This person is inclined to mumble and speak more softlythan if he were passionate about his statement. Out of fear,however, its possible that his voice may become higher andhis rate of speech accelerated. Grammar and syntax may beoff as well, with poor sentence structure and misspokenwords likely to occur. When Sarah professed her love for her fiance, she wouldtell him how much she cared for him. And he would replyin a barely audible voice, simply repeating her words backto her. This didnt seem like a big deal until she startedputting a few other things together. Instinctively we knowthat when a person responds like Sarahs ex, something ismissing. And that something is often the truth. CLUE 25 Questions and Statements Shouldnt Sound AlikeAsking a question and making a statement have two distinctspeaking styles. When a person asks a question—"What areyou doing?"—his head comes up at the end—on the ing indoing. The eyes, too, will open wider at the last part of aquestion. How is this useful? Suppose you get an answer that isworded like a statement but styled like a question. Thisindicates that the person is unsure of his statement and islooking for confirmation from you. If you ask someone aquestion and he says with all certainty, "XYZ," but hisvoice, head, and eyes lift at the end of their statement,then his conviction is not as strong as he is leading youto believe.
    • SUMMARY • Deceitful responses to questions regarding beliefs and attitudes take longer to think up. • Watch out for reactions that are all out of proportion to the question. • The person who is lying may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous and inexpressive voice. Words may be garbled, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other words, his sentences will likely be muddled. • Statements sound an awful lot like questions, indicating that hes seeking reassurance. SECTION 6 PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILEThese clues concern how a liar thinks and what elementsare usually missing from a story thats fictitious. CLUE 26 Hes Got Cheating on His MindHow people see the world is often a reflection of how theysee themselves. If they think that the world is just a cesspoolof lies and deceit, then they themselves may be full of liesand deceit. Watch out for those people who are always tell-ing you just how corrupt the rest of the world is. As thesaying goes, "It takes one to know one." More specifically, if someone out of the blue with no realevidence accuses you of lying, ask yourself, "Why is he soparanoid?" In psychological terms this is what is referredto as projection. Thats why the con artist is the first one toaccuse another of cheating. If youre constantly being ques-tioned about your motives or activities, this should send offbells in your mind. How often do we hear of a jealous boy-friend who constantly accuses his girlfriend of cheating onhim only to have her find out later that hes guilty of every-thing hes been accusing her of doing? Also, if he is always asking you if you believe him, thenbeware. Just as the clinically paranoid person feels thateveryone can see right through him, this person questionsthe integrity of his facade. If your response gives no realindication of your thoughts, someone who is deceitful mayrespond with something like "You dont believe me, doyou?" Heres a good rule of thumb: most people who tellthe truth expect to be believed.
    • C L U E 27 The Single GuyIs the focus of the individual whose veracity youre tryingto assess internal or external? Lets say a single man walksinto a bar hoping to meet a woman. If he considers himselfto be attractive and a good catch, then his focus would beon what the women in the bar look like. If he considershimself to be unattractive, then he would be more concernedwith how he appears to them. In other words, his focus shiftsdepending upon his level of confidence. When a person has confidence in his words, hes moreinterested in your understanding him and less interested inhow he appears to you. This is a subtle clue, but we can seeexamples of this in everyday life. When youre interestedsimply in making a point, you want to make sure the otherperson understands you. When youre deceitful or trying tocover up, your focus is internal—on how you sound andappear as youre relating the "facts." Youre conscious ofyour every word and movement. You try to act in a certainway so you will be perceived as you want to be. Subtle dif-ference, but a big distinction. CLUE 28 Another Dimension in LyingHeres a clear indication of a story that doesnt ring true. Ascareful as he may be in relating the details of an event, theliar often leaves out one crucial element—the point of viewor the opinion of someone else. This is because it adds an-other dimension or layer to his thinking that the liar is usu-ally not clever enough to come up with. While other peoplemay be included in his story, another persons thoughts arenot. Suppose you ask your girlfriend where she was lastnight. She tells you she had to work late. But youre notconvinced thats true. So you press for more informationand ask what she had for dinner. Here are two possibleanswers she might give:1. "Oh, I wasnt really hungry, so I just came home and watched TV with my roommate. She made pasta but I passed on it."2. "Oh, I wasnt really hungry, so I just came home and watched TV. My roommate was so shocked that I would actually skip a meal, especially her famous pasta dish." Both answers contain pretty much the same information,but the second adds another layer of thought—the room-
    • ates point of view. Our gut instinct might tell us that thisanswer is more believable and more likely to be true thanthe first one. Not including anothers point of view in ananswer doesnt immediately disqualify it. The inclusion ofanothers point of view, though, will often indicate thatyoure being told the truth. CLUE 29 Everything Went Perfectly!One thing is almost always missing from a story thats nottrue—what went wrong. Events that are made up rarelyinclude any negative details. A person who is lying is con-cerned with getting her story straight, and her thoughts areessentially one-dimensional. This means only primarythoughts—which are positive. Negation is not a primaryemotion. In much the same way that if I said "Dont thinkof an elephant," you couldnt do it. In order to process theinformation, you need to first think of an elephant. Ask afriend to tell you about her last vacation. Shell cover all ofthe bases, both positive and negative—maybe the food wasgood, maybe the flight was delayed. Then ask someone tomake up a story about a vacation that she never went on.Youll notice that the elements are usually all positive. Theluggage never gets lost on a made-up voyage. One caveat to this clue: if the story is used as an expla-nation as to why he was delayed or had to cancel plans, thenobviously you can expect negatives. In that case this cluewould not be helpful. CLUE 30 Is There Anything You Would Like to Know?A good liar may be practiced at answering questions so thatshe sounds truthful. But even the best will give themselvesaway by not asking the right questions. The reason for thisis that the conversation is not real for the liar. After all,shes not interested in learning anything. She only wants toconvince you that she is being truthful. For example, duringtheir first intimate encounter, Randy asks his new girlfriendif shes ever been tested for AIDS. She responds with "Oh,yes, certainly," and continues on a bit about annualcheckups, giving blood, etc. And then nothing! If she wasconcerned about her health, as her answer implied, thenshe would have asked him the same question. The liar isoften unaware that coming across as truthful means bothanswering and asking questions.
    • SUMMARY• We often see the world as a reflection of ourselves. If youre being accused of something, check your accusers veracity.• Look at whether his focus is internal or external. When a person is confident about what hes saying, hes more interested in your understanding him and less interested in how he appears to you.• The point of view of a third party is likely to be absent from a liars story.• In relating a story, a liar often leaves out the negative aspects.• A liar willingly answers your questions but asks none of his own.
    • SECTION 7 G E N E R A L I N D I C A T I O N S OF D E C E I TThe following is a mixed bag of clues that indicatedeception. They can be used with great reliability bythemselves or in conjunction with other clues. CLUE 31 Whew, Im Sure Glad Thats OverWatch and listen carefully during a conversationwhen the subject is changed. Does he becomehappier? Does he seem more relaxed? He may evenoffer a smile or nervous laugh. Notice his posture.Does it become more relaxed and less defensive? Thegiveaway here is how fast and dramatically his moodchanges, indicating his discomfort with the previoussubject matter. Test him to see if hes quick to changethe subject. If he has been accused of somethingabominable and is innocent, he will resent theaccusations and will insist that the topic be exploredfurther, either now or at some future date.Remember, the guilty wants the subject changed;the innocent always wants a further exchange ofinformation. CLUE 32 How Dare You Accuse Me?If he is accused of something harsh and is notindignant and offended that his honour has beenquestioned, this is a highly reliable sign that hes beencaught off guard. Its been said that during thepreliminary stages of the 0. J. Simpson investigation,detectives thought it curious that Simpson did notappear to be outraged by the accusation that he hadmurdered his ex-wife and her friend Ron Goldman. While he is being accused the liar will remainfairly expressionless, like a student being admonishedby his principal. A look as if to say "What?!" will notbe present. The liar is more concerned with how he isgoing to respond than he is with the accusation itself.
    • CLUE 33 Never Believe Anyone Who Says ThisHave you ever met someone who insisted on startingstatements with phrases such as "To be perfectlyhonest," "To be frank," or "To tell you the truth"?Someone who is telling the truth doesnt need toconvince you before he gets his words out. Somepeople habitually use these phrases. Such expressionsmean literally that everything that came before themis a lie, everything that will come after will be a lie,but for now hes decided to pause to tell you thetruth. If these phrases are not part of a personsusual verbal repertoire, watch out! If someonesgoing to tell you the truth, its unlikely that he wouldstart off by saying just that. If he feels the need to tellyou that hes being honest and that youre about toreceive the whole truth, you can be pretty sure yourenot getting it. Also included in this clue is the ever-pervasive andalways annoying phrase "Why would I lie to you?" Ifyou receive this response to an accusation youvemade, be suspicious. If hes being accused ofsomething, he probably has an excellent reason to lie. I cannot tell a lie. Or can I? The phrase "I neverlie" should always be received with caution. Anyonewho needs to declare his virtuous nature does sobecause there is no other way for you to find out.Some people will say just about anything to soundbelievable, even lie straight to your face. Oneshonour should speak for itself. When a person tellsyou that he is the most honest person that you will evermeet, dont walk away—run. CLUE 34 Ive Got My Answer Down PatIf his answer sounds pat and well rehearsed, theres afair chance that he was expecting the question andtook the time to get his story straight. Having factsand details at your fingertips that should not be easilyrecalled is a good indication that you have prepared.For instance, suppose Samantha, when asked where
    • she was on a particular day two months ago, respondswith, "I went to work, left at five-thirty, had dinner atCaracellas until seven forty-five, and then wentstraight home." Law enforcement officers are aware of and use thisclue with great results. Suppose a police detectivequestions a suspect. If the suspect is able to recall whathe did and where he was on a given date two yearsearlier, something is very wrong. Most of us cantremember what we had for breakfast yesterdaymorning! Rehearsed answers also provide a person with away of giving you information that you never askedfor, information that they want known. Politicians arefamous for answering questions that were neverasked. They have an agenda that will come outregardless of the questions put to them. Sometimesthey dont even bother to rework the question; theyjust take off in their own direction. During theWilliam Kennedy Smith rape trial, Smiths uncle TedKennedy was called as a defence witness to testifyabout to his knowledge of the day. In just minutesthe courtroom was treated to Kennedys taking usthrough the history of his family, the death of hisbrothers, and the trials and tribulations of his life.The courtroom was mesmerized. This was done toevoke the Kennedy aura and charm for the benefit ofWilliam Kennedy Smith. Whether it had a directimpact or not is hard to say, but Smith was foundnot guilty. CLUE 35 Can You Repeat the Question, Please?Instead of hemming and hawing, he may resort toone of the following statements to buy himself sometime, to review the best course of action, to preparehis answer, or to shift the topic entirely. They are alldesigned to delay his answer. For example, you asksomeone hold old he is and he responds with "Howold do you think I am?" Its obvious that your answermay influence his. Here are some of the more popularones. 1. "Could you repeat the question?" 2. "It depends on how you look at it." 3. "Whats your point exactly?" 4. "Why would you ask something like that?" 5. "Where did you hear that?" 6. "Where is this coming from?"
    • 7. "Could you be more specific?" 8. "How dare you ask me something like that?" 9. "I think we both know the answer to that."10. "Well, its not so simple as yes or no."11. "Thats an excellent question. It deserves some thought."12. "Can you keep a secret? Great. So can I."13. "Im not sure this is the best place to discussthis."14. The person repeats your question back to you, an attempt at sounding incredulous. For example, "Did I sell you a puppy with a heart condition? Is that what youre asking me?" CLUE 36 Sleight of MouthYouve heard the old saying "If it sounds toogood to be true, then it probably is." During the 0.J. Simpson trial, Detective Mark Fuhrman said onthe witness stand and under oath that he had neverin the past ten years used a specific racial epithet.Almost no one—including the jury—believed thatthis was true. He would have been deemed as muchmore credible had he admitted to using racialepithets on occasion and with regret. But saying henever used them in any context seemed highlyimplausible. And indeed, the evidence later provedhim to be a liar, forcing him to assert his FifthAmendment privilege to avoid self-incrimination. Ifsomething sounds implausible, investigate further—no matter how convincing the person is. CLUE 37 Tricky DickyThere is also such a thing as a lie throughimplication instead of expression. During the 1960presidential campaign, Richard Nixon sought toremind Americans that his opponent John F.Kennedy was Catholic, not Protestant. We hadnever had a Catholic president before, and Nixonthought the fact that Kennedy was Catholic mightmake the American people uneasy. Blatantlyreminding the public of his opponents religionwould make him look bad. So, in keeping with hisreputation and according to the wisdom of politics,
    • Nixon said the following: "I dont want anyone notto vote for John Kennedy because he is a Catholic."The intent was obviously different from themessage, but he got his point across nicely.Although as history later proved, his effort wasfutile. Whenever someone makes a point of telling youwhat theyre not doing, you can be sure its exactlywhat they are doing. The preamble is what they reallymean. After a blind date, Jim was informed by thewoman he went out with that shes very busy for thenext few weeks but that she doesnt want him to thinkshes blowing him off. If that was not her intention,then it wouldnt have occurred to her to say that.When you hear, "Not to hurt your feelings, but. . ."you can be sure that this person doesnt mind hurtingyour feelings. Another clever way of lying through implyingcomes in the form of a denial. It works like this.Lets say that an agent is attempting to convince acasting director to cast his client, John Jones, insteadof another actor, Sam Smith. The agent casuallymentions to the casting director that Sam was at theBetty Ford Clinic last month, but heard it was onlyto see a friend. Now the casting director wonders ifSam has an alcohol or drug problem. Had the agentsimply said that Sam was there to get treatment, thecasting director would have been suspicious of hisintentions in mentioning it. By stating it in the form ofa denial, he implants the suggestion withoutsuspicion. Lets look at another example. You hear, "Heshaving marital problems, but it has nothing to dowith his wifes new job." Whats the first thing youask? "What does his wife do?" Suddenly youre in theexact conversation that is "supposed" to have nobearing on the facts. Clever, isnt it? Dont be misled. CLUE 38 Dont Be RidiculousBeware of the person who uses humour and sarcasm todefuse your concerns. For instance, you ask one of yoursalespeople if she met with the competition and shereplies, "Sure did. We meet every day in a secretwarehouse. You can get in only if you know thespecial knock. Its there where we discuss the eventual
    • downfall of your business empire." This makes youfeel foolish about inquiring further. And she knowsit. When you ask a serious question, you should ex-pect a direct response. CLUE 39 Were Out of StockHave you ever had the salesman tell you that the itemyou were looking for is inferior to another one? Andas it turns out, the one that you want happens tobe out of stock.Clearly, he would have been much more believable ifhe had said he did have what you wanted butpreferred to show you something even better. Sobefore you accept someone at his word that he hassomething better to offer, first see whether he haswhat you originally asked for. If he doesnt, theres abetter than even chance that you shouldnt believehim. CLUE 40 The Number ZoneTheres an old saying that goes, "If you always tell thetruth, then youll never have to remember anything."When a liar speaks, in an attempt to appear fluid, hewill often fall into the number zone. This is when allof the numbers he mentions are the same or multiplesof one another. This happens because he is thinkingfast and is trying to remember what hes saying. Atypical exchange during a job interview might go asfollows:Ms. SMITH: SO, Mark, how many years experiencedo you have in restaurant management?MARK: At the three places Ive worked, Ive hadabout six years experience in total.Ms. SMITH: Tell me a little bit about your experience atthese places.MARK: Well, I would put in sixty-hour weeks. And Iwas in charge of a crew of about twelve . . .
    • Watch out when facts, figures, and informationhave unusual similarities. CLUE 41 Nervous NellieWhile we can control some gestures, the followingare involuntary responses that we have little or nocontrol over: The fight-or-flight syndrome: A persons facemay become flushed or, with extreme fear, can turnwhite. Look for signs of rapid breathing and increasedperspiration. Additionally, take note if he is trying tocontrol his breathing to calm himself. This willappear as deep, audible inhaling and exhaling. Trembling or shaking in voice and body: Hishands may tremble. If he is hiding his hands, it mightbe an attempt to hide uncontrollable shaking. Hisvoice may crack and seem inconsistent. This is hard to swallow: Swallowing becomesdifficult, so look for a hard swallow. Television ormovie actors who wish to express fear or sadnessoften use this behaviour— hence the expression "allchoked up." Also indicative is a clearing of the throat.Due to anxiety, mucus forms in the throat. A publicspeaker who is nervous often clears his throat beforespeaking. A choir boy, hes not! Vocal chords, like allmuscles, tighten when a person is stressed. This willproduce a higher sound, octave, and/or pitch. Im sorry, you said what? When were understress, our ability to focus on something is oftendiminished. Have you ever met someone at a partyand forgotten his name right after youre introduced?Look for signs of distraction and an inability to payattention to whats going on. The whistler: Whistling seems to be a universalaction to relax oneself when one is frightened oranxious, and is an unconscious attempt to build upcourage or confidence. Most people have little tells-
    • —gestures used when they are nervous. They may ruban ear for reassurance or plaster on a fake smile toboost their confidence. CLUE 42 Oh So CleverThe ancient sport of Judo has a fundamentalphilosophy: do not confront force with force; insteaduse your opponents strength and turn it against him.The purveyors of this clue never get defensive orargue, they simply use your own words to supporttheir claim. Lets say that a guard is standing watch over arestricted area. Its his job to check ID s of those whoenter. "Im not sure you have, authorization," he saysto a man attemptingaccess. "Im not surprised," answered the man, "only afew people are aware of my clearance level. My workhere is not supposed to be known by everyone." Do you see how quickly the man verballydisarmed the guard? Had he started to argue andinsist that he had clearance and that the guard was afool for not knowing, he would have met with a wallof resistance. Rather, he agrees with the guard, andexplains that the reason why the guard thought hedidnt have authorization is the very reason why hedoes have authorization. A certain bagel company overcame an obviousmarketing problem by using this same practice. Thecompany sells frozen bagels, yet it wanted to projectan image of freshness, a characteristic that to most ofus is the opposite of frozen. Their solution? Theslogan "They taste best because theyre frozen."Watch out when someone tries to use an obvious factto support a questionable assertion. CLUE 43 The Moral AssumptionThis clue is so clever and pervasive that once you hearabout it, youll probably realize that it has alreadybeen used on you many times. The genesis of this cluecomes courtesy of human nature. We all have an
    • inherent need for order, for continuity andconsistency. The purveyor of deceit demonstrates characteristicswith a specific moral bent so that other of his actionswill be seenin that light. An example will clarify. Lets say thatJoe, the financial officer of a large corporation, thinksthat you may be on to his embezzlement scheme. Heknows that you have no real proof, but he wants tothrow you off the track. What might he do? In yourpresence, he may openly chastise another employeefor "borrowing" some office supplies for her personaluse at home. Your impression is that Joe is a moralperson who objects to something as minor as stealingoffice supplies. Certainly he cannot be responsible for alarge-scale embezzlement scheme. A wife who is concerned that her husbandsuspects her of having a brief affair (which she didindeed have) might say something like this: "Honey,do you remember Harvey, Sallys husband? Well,Jill told me that theyre having problems becauseHarvey kissed a co-worker at the Christmas party. Ifyou ask me, she should leave that no-good piece ofgarbage. Who knows what else hes done? Even ifthat was it, what is going through his mind? What anidiot!" This is going to put serious doubts in themind of this womans husband that she would everbe unfaithful to him.
    • CLUE 44 Oh, by the WayBeware if she casually tells you something thatshould deserve more attention. For example, shesays, "Oh, by theway, Ive got to go out of town next weekend onbusiness." If she doesnt usually travel for work onthe weekends, then you would expect her to make apoint of how unusual the trip is. Her downplayingthe trip makes it suspicious. When something out of the ordinary happens andthe person doesnt draw attention to it, it means thatshe is trying to draw attention away from it. And forthis there is usually a reason. Another tactic isrunning off a long list of items in the hope that onewill remain unnoticed. Magicians, who are expertsat slight-of-hand, know that their effectiveness liesin their ability to draw your attention where theywant it to go. When your attention is beingdirected one way, check to see what lies the otherway. CLUE 45 Lots of LiesIf you catch a person in one lie, it makes good senseto question everything else that person has said.Lets say youre buying a car and the salesman saysthat you must act quickly because two other peoplehave looked at this car and its the last one in stock.Say something like "I hear that this model retains itsvalue better than most others, isnt that true?" Or "Iheard that theyre going to raise the prices on nextyears model substantially." These are statements anhonest salesperson will question if he or she hasntheardany such thing. However, if your salesperson isquick to agree with you, it means that he would sayalmost anything to make the sale—which alsomeans that he probably doesnt have anyone elseinterested in the car, even though hes claimedotherwise. If you can, try to find out if this personhas a reputation for being deceitful. Honesty is a
    • function of character, and character is notsomething that is easily changed. CLUE 46 Wild, Wild, Wild"Youre not going to believe what happened to me!"How many times have we heard that phrase? Commonsense dictates that if we want someone to believe us,we should make our story or explanation as believableas possible. This is usually true, but not always.Sometimes the more outrageous a story is, the morebelievable it becomes. Why? Because we think toourselves, If this person wanted to lie to me, hedprobably have come up with something a little lessfar-fetched. So in this clever deception the liarembellishes his story and simply offers the phrase"Dont you think that if I was going to lie to you, Idcome up something a little more believable? You justcant make this stuff up." When in fact thats exactlywhat hes done. SUMMARY • When the subject is changed, hes in a better, more relaxed mood. • He does not become indignant when falsely accused. • He uses such phrases as "To tell you the truth," "To be perfectly honest," and "Why would I lie to you?" • He has an answer to your question down pat. • He stalls by asking you to repeat the question or by answering your question with a question. • What hes saying sounds implausible. • He offers a preamble to his statement starting with "I dont want you to think that . . . " Often thats exactly what he wants you to think. • She uses humour or sarcasm to defuse your concerns. • He offers you a "better" alternative to your request when he is unable to give you what you originally asked for. • All of his facts relating to numbers are the same or multiples of one another.
    • • There is evidence of involuntary responses that are anxiety based.• He uses an obvious fact to support a dubious action. She casually tells you something that deserves more attention.• He exclaims his displeasure at the actions of another who has done something similar so that you will not suspect him.• If he lies about one thing, everything he says is questionable.• His story is so wild that you almost dont believe it. But you do, because if he wanted to lie, you think that he would have come up with something more plausible.
    • P A R T 2BECOMING A H U M A N LIE DETECTOR "Deceit, feeding on ignorance, weaves carelessly around the truth, twisting its prey down a path to destined regret." — D AVID J. L IEBERMAN
    • This part contains a sophisticated and comprehensive sys-tem of questioning that will get the truth out of any person.We often go into verbal combat unprepared to do battle.Because were unable to think clearly and effectively com-municate our thoughts, we think of what we should havesaid two days later. The clues to deception can be used with great reliabilityin everyday situations and conversations. However, if youmust know the truth in a given situation, this part providesyou with a sequence of questions that virtually guaranteesthat you will know (a) if youre being lied to and (b) whatthe truth is if its not obvious from the lie. This procedurewas developed as a result of my research in humanbehaviour. When used in order, all three phases offer youthe greatest opportunity to get at the truth. OUTLINE Phase One. Three Attack-Sequence PrimersSometimes this technique in and of itself will reveal a per-sons guilt, but if it doesnt, you havent lost any leverageand can proceed to phase two. The primers are used to testa persons vulnerability and to gauge his or her level of con-cern over a particular subject. Phase Two. Eleven Attack SequencesThis phase consists of one direct sequence and ten otherpossible sequences. Use whichever one best fits the situation.These carefully scripted sequences put you in the best pos-sible position to get at the truth. You will see that the phras-ing of your request—what precedes the request and whatfollows it—is essential. Context is everything! Phase Three. Eleven Silver BulletsFire these off if youre still not satisfied. Perhaps the personhasnt yet confessed but you know he isnt being truthful.If you feel youve been lied to, but a full confession isntforthcoming, this phase takes you through an additionalprocess to get to the truth. Though these bullets can be firedin any order you want, some will rule out others. So chooseahead of time which are most appropriate for the situation.
    • HOW TO PROCEEDLay the groundwork by starting with phase one. Thenchoose one of the eleven attack sequences from phase two.If you havent gotten a full confession after you try an attacksequence, fire your silver bullets one by one. The results willbe truly astonishing. If terms like arsenal, weapons, and bullets seem warlike,its understandable. But theyre thoroughly appropriateconsidering the situation. A lie can be very injurious. Pro-tecting yourself is the objective. You need to see the processof detecting deceit for what it really is—a verbal battle. Andfrom now on, when you enter this battle, you will be verywell armed. PHASE 1 THREE ATTACK-SEQUENCE PRIMERSMost of us are familiar with the Rorschach test, developedin 1921 by Hermann Rorschach. The test consists of tenbilaterally symmetrical inkblots, each on an individual card.These abstract shapes, which have no particular meaningor form, are shown one at a time to the subject. Put simply,the theory behind the test is that a persons interpretationof the shapes will reveal his or her unconscious or subli-mated thoughts. For the sequence primers, we use the same psychologicalprinciples but employ them in a whole new way: you findout whats on a persons mind by giving him a verbal ab-stract test. A persons true intentions will surface in his com-ments and/or gestures. PRIMER 1 Dont Accuse—AlludeAsking a person outright, "Have you been cheating on me? "will put him on the defensive. The objective here is to aska question that does not accuse the person of anything butalludes to the persons possible behaviour. If he doesnt realize youre implying anything, then hesprobably not guilty. But if he gets defensive, then he knowswhat youre getting at. The only way he could know is if heis guilty of the accusation. The point is, an innocent personshouldnt have a clue about what youre alluding to.
    • You dont want the question to be accusatory or toobroad. For example, if you suspect someone of murder, youwouldnt say, "Kill anyone last weekend?" And asking,"How was your day?" is clearly too broad. You want the question to be framed in such a way thathe will get suspicious of your asking only if he is guilty. Hewont react unusually if he isnt, but as if it were an out-of -the-ordinary question. If you asked your neighbourwhether space aliens had landed on her front lawn, youwouldnt expect her to respond seriously at all. She mayanswer jokingly or just laugh it off entirely. And youcertainly wouldnt expect, "Why do you ask? Did someonesay something to you?" This response is curious for aquestion that should be taken as absurd. When you ask the question, be matter-of-fact. Dontsquare off. You dont want him defensive unless he has areason to be. Beware of all the clues to deceit, particularlythe one about a guilty person continuing to add more in-formation as he thinks of it and without your prompting. Now, whatever is on the persons mind will reveal itselfin the conversation that ensues. If hes innocent of what yoususpect him of, then hell answer casually and leave it atthat. However, if hes guilty he will want to know whatyoure thinking because hes not sure why youre asking thequestion. So hell question you about your question. Examples of Phrasing PerimetersThe key is to phrase a question that sounds perfectly in-nocent to an innocent person, but like an accusation to theguilty.SUSPICION: YOU think that your employee was fired from his last job because he stole from his previous employer.QUESTION: "DO you still keep in contact with your old boss?"SUSPICION: YOU feel that your boyfriend or girlfriend was unfaithful the night before.QUESTION: "Anything interesting happen last night?"SUSPICION: YOU think a co-worker told your secretarythat you have a crush on her.QUESTION: "Heard any good gossip recently?" Any answers such as "Why do you ask?" or "Where didyou hear that?" indicate concern on the persons part. Heshould not be seeking information from you if he does notthink that your question is leading. He should also not beinterested in why youre asking the question unless he thinksthat you may know what he doesnt want you to.
    • PRIMER 2 Similar ScenarioThis primer works by introducing a scenario similar to whatyou suspect is going on. There are two ways to do this—specific and general. This primer deals with specifics, whilePrimer 3 takes the general approach. This works well be-cause youre able to bring up the topic without being ac-cusatory.SUSPICION: YOU suspect one of your salespeople has lied to a customer in order to make the sale.QUESTION: "Jim, Im wondering if you could help me with something. Its come to my attention that someone in the sales department has been misrepresenting our products to customers. How do you think we can clear this up?" If hes innocent of the charges hes likely to offer his ad-vice and be pleased that you sought out his opinion. If hesguilty hell seem uncomfortable and will assure you that hewould never do anything like that. Either way, this opensthe door to probe further.SUSPICION: A hospital administrator suspects that a doctor was drinking while on duty.QUESTION: "Dr. Marcus, Id like to get your advice on some- thing. A colleague of mine at another hospital has a prob- lem with one of her doctors. She feels he may be drinking while on call. Do you have any suggestions on how she can approach the doctor about this problem?" Again, if hes guilty hell seem very uncomfortable. If hesnot drinking on duty, then he will be pleased that you soughthis advice and offer it. PR I M ER 3 Its Amazing, Isnt It?With this primer, you still bring up the subject, but in ageneral way. Casually broaching the subject in this mannerprovides great insight into the persons innocence or guilt.
    • SUSPICION: You think a student has cheated on her exam.QUESTION: "Isnt it amazing how someone can cheat on a test and not realize that I was standing behind her the entire time?"SUSPICION: YOU suspect a co-worker of bad-mouthing you to your boss.QUESTION: "Its amazing all the backstabbing that goes on around here, isnt it? And these people doing it think that it wont get back to the person involved."SUSPICION: YOU think that your girlfriend may be two- timing you.QUESTION: "Its amazing how someone can be unfaithful and expect not to get caught." Again, any answers that prompt a response such as "Whydo you ask?" Or "Where did you hear that?" show thatyour question concerns him. Sometimes theres no need to confront someone who wefeel has lied. We just want to know for ourselves. In in-stances like these, its not necessary to finish the attack se-quence. Just use the primers to satisfy your own curiosity,or use the techniques in Part 3, which allow you to discreetlygather information. Note: Two other responses are possible for primers 2 and 3. The per-son may begin to talk generically about the subject or change it com-pletely. A change in subject is highly indicative of guilt. However, if hefinds your question interesting and hes innocent, he might begin a con-versation about it. This is a strong indication of his innocence, becausehes unafraid to discuss the subject and hasnt probed why you have evenbrought it up.
    • PHASE 2 ELEVEN ATTACK SEQUENCESIts 8:00 A.M. on a Sunday morning. Youre resting in bedwhen the doorbell rings. Mumbling incoherently, you getup, put on your robe, and stagger to the door. Upon open-ing it youre greeted by a smiling, energetic young womenwaving a glossy pamphlet in your face and asking for thirtyseconds of your time. Ten minutes later you close the door,stumble back to bed, and ask yourself, "Why did I givethat woman ten dollars to save the red-spotted frog fromextinction? I dont even like frogs." Obviously there wassomething involved that made you exchange somethingyou like-—your money—for something you dont particu-larly care about—frogs. You can see from this transactionthat sometimes its the context of a request, not the requestitself, that determines a persons willingness to cooperate orresist. ATT ACK S E Q U E N C E 1 Direct QuestioningSometimes the direct approach is best. The only drawbackto asking a question outright is that you then cant use anyof the other sequences unless you let a considerable amountof time pass. Stage 1. Ask your question directly. When you talk withthe person you want to get information from, to maximizethe amount you learn, follow these six guidelines. 1. Give no advance warning of the subject youre aboutto bring up or of any feelings of mistrust you may have.Unsolicited questions are the toughest for him to answer, soif he brings up the subject, make sure that you ask yourquestion after any statements that he may make. His deceitwill be harder to detect if:• He has responded to the same statement before. When you ask your question, phrase it in a new way. Dont keep asking the same question over and over again. He gets entrenched in his position and good at convincing you. By varying how you ask your question, you have more opportunities to detect deceit.• He knows that he will be asked the question. Give no warning of whats on your mind.• He knows what hes going to say, like an actor reading his lines. You know they are not his words; hes just
    • following a script. Give him some time and youll be crying and laughing along with him. No matter how trained he is, once he gets beyond the script, hes unrehearsed and unprepared, and thats right where you want him.• He thinks hes justified in lying. This removes all guilt- oriented clues. When people believe in what they are say- ing—even if they dont believe it—they say it with conviction.• He feels theres little or nothing at stake, so he probably wont appear nervous, which means you cant use those clues as an indicator. Most of the other clues will still be available for you to observe.• He has a severe mental disorder. Such a person does not have a concept of right and wrong. 2. Never reveal what you know first. Ask questionsto gather information to see if its consistent with whatyou already know. During World War II, England hadcracked Enigma, the secret code used by the Germans.England learned of an impending attack by the Germanson the town of Coventry. However, if Churchill evacuatedthe people, the Germans would know that England hadbroken the code and would change it. This left Churchillwith an obvious conundrum. Weighing the lives of thosewho lived in Coventry against the enormous possible fu-ture gain of being privy to all Germanys war plans, Churchill decided not to tell the townspeople, and hundredsdied. With any luck youll never be in such a predicament,but you can see that sometimes its better not to revealyour position—even if it means suffering great short-termlosses. The greater objective must be kept in mind. This makesit possible for him to slip up and reveal information youknow to be contradictory to the truth. If he knows whatyou know, then he can tailor his story to be consistent withthe information that you already know.3. The way you present yourself can greatly influencethe attitude of the other person. Simple things such asunbuttoning your coat or uncrossing your arms canmake the other person feel less defensive. When you havea rapport with someone, he is much more likely to feelcomfortable and open up. Rapport creates trust, allowingyou to build a psychological bridge to the person. Theconversation is likely to be more positive and you will bemuch more persuasive. Three powerful tips forestablishing and building rapport are:
    • • Matching posture and movements: If he has one hand in his pocket, you put your hand in yours. If he makes a gesture with his hand, after a moment, you casually make the same gesture.• Matching speech: Try to match his rate of speech. If hes speaking in a slow, relaxed tone, you do the same. If hes speaking quickly, then you speak quickly.• Matching key words: If she is prone to using certain words or phrases, employ them when you speak. For instance, if she says, "The offer is designed for incredible gain for both parties," later in the conversation you might say something like, "I like that the offer is designed to offer incredible gain . . ." Make sure that you dont seem to be mimicking her. Obvious copying of anothers movements is unproductive. A simple reflection of aspects of the per sons behaviour or speech is enough. This can be a very powerful skill for you, once you become good at it. Later in the questioning youll move to stage four. Thiswill make your target person nervous, enabling you to shiftstrategies. But initially you dont want to make him nervous.You want to create an environment in which the only reasonhe has to be nervous is if hes done something wrong. Thisway any anxiety-based responses or actions are the productof his deceit, not his environment. 4. Lie detectors use what is called a baseline, which cor-responds to the persons normal level of anxiety. Its a goodidea, if possible, to do something similar. Ask a questionthat you know will produce a response similar to how youexpect him to react. You need to know whether certain patterns of behaviour are part of this persons usualrepertoire.You want to establish how he responds to a question thatcan be answered easily and use that as a benchmark if youdont know the person well. In other words, if he waves hisarms around no matter what hes talking about, you wantto know this. 5. Although your posture should be relaxed and non-threatening, see if you can square off so that youre facingeach other. This allows you to use several of the detectionclues having to do with body language (see part 1, section1 and 2). 6. Never, ever interrupt. You cant learn anything newwhile youre talking. Also ask open-ended questions. Thisgives you the opportunity to hear longer answers.
    • If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 2. Silence. First, dont respond at all. This willusually make him continue talking. The guilty abhor si-lence. It makes them uncomfortable. It also gives you achance to observe other clues such as changes of subject,uncomfortable laughter, nervousness, etc. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 3. Really? At the end of his answer respond with"Really?" This one simple word gives you two shots at as-sessing the same answer. He doesnt know how you feelabout his answer yet, so it doesnt tip your hand. But itforces him to repeat his response. Here, youll look for cluessuch as if his voice goes up at the end of the sentence (seeclue 25), indicating he may be unconsciously looking forconfirmation. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 4. Sudden death. Follow with "Is there anythingyou want to get off your chest?" This puts him on the de-fensive. Now you can watch for those clues that come outwhen the person is more nervous than before you chal-lenged his credibility. This question really confuses peoplebecause the answer is going to be no, regardless. But nowthat youve changed the tone of the conversation, hesthrown for a loop. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. AT T AC K SEQUENCE 2 Lead and Confine Stage 1. Ask a leading question. Ask a question thatrestricts his answer to something he feels is positive, a ques-tion he doesnt mind answering truthfully. This techniqueis called lead and confine. For example, if you want to knowif your boyfriend went out last night, an outright questionmight make him lie if he feels you will be upset. Instead,your question is "You were back by two A.M. last night,werent you?" If he didnt go out, he would be free to tellyou. But if he did, he feels comfortable agreeing with youbecause you make it sound okay. Whether he was or wasntback by two A.M. isnt the point. Youve got the answer toyour real question.
    • Lets take another example. If you want know if yourfiancé ever cheated on you, the question you would ask is"You were only with other people before we got engaged,right?" Again, she feels that shes comforting you by an-swering the way youve indicated is okay. Even though sheanswers yes, she still could have cheated on you after yougot engaged as well. So if you want to know that, too, makethat the focus of your next attack. After some time haspassed, you might ask, "I know that youve had to get somethings out of your system, but when we get married, I wantto know that I can trust you. You will give up these waysonce were married, wont you?" If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 2. Reverse course: Youve got be kidding! Nowyou throw her completely off balance, putting her in a sit-uation where she wont know how she should answer. Hereyou sound disappointed that she answered that way. Thisforces her to rethink her answer and become comfortabletelling you the truth. You would say something like "I washoping you did, so you would have gotten it out of yoursystem. Please tell me that youve done it, so I know thatits over with." If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 3. This is not going to work. This is where youlet her know that everything youve ever thought about hermay be wrong. The only way she can show you that she isthe person you thought she was is to confess. "I thought youwere somebody who had a sense of adventure. Someone whoknows how to live a little." If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. ATTACK SEQUENCE 3 Time Line DistortionThis sequence combines several psychological principlesand produces truly remarkable results. To explain, well usethe following example. Lets say that your wife calls you upat work and informs you that your fifteen-year-old son tookthe family car for a joy ride and was just brought back bythe police. You might be understandably upset. However,lets take the same set of circumstances, except for onething. In a different conversation, your wife casually men-
    • tions that this mischievous deed was done by your nowtwenty-five-year-old son ten years earlier. Your reaction islikely to be considerably more mild. Why? Because time haspassed. Lets look at the flip side of this example. If a couplesson borrowed their car without permission ten years earlier,he would probably feel that he could mention it with fullimpunity—it might even be amusing at this point—and hecertainly doesnt have to worry about being punished. Itsdoubtful, though, that he would feel so comfortable tellinghis parents if he had taken the car the night before. Time is a powerful psychological tool that can shift ourperspective dramatically. The two factors affecting time arewhen the event occurred and when you became aware of it.If either or both of these factors are moved into the past,the event is no longer timely. This greatly reduces its per-ceived significance. Scenario AIn this example, you suspect your spouse of having an affair. Stage 1. Setting the scene. Let the conversation turncasually to the topic of cheating. Then very nonchalantlyjoke about the affair that you suspect him of having had.This will prompt him to ask what youre talking about. Stage 2. Its no big deal. Looking fairly shocked that heseems concerned, you reply with "Oh, Ive always knownabout that. Do you want to know how I found out?" Thisquestion completely shifts the weight of the conversation.He feels that hes totally in the clear and will now seek tosatisfy his curiosity. Hes thinking that the relationship hasbeen fine for all this time, even though you "knew" of hisaffair for some time. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 3.1 appreciate what youve done. If he still deniesit, tell him, "I thought that you knew I knew but were pro-tecting my feelings, knowing that Id understand it was justan accident and that I really wouldnt want to talk about it."Now its even more tempting to confess because by doing so,he actually thinks that hes a good guy. And that all this timehe was doing something nice and didnt even know it.
    • Scenario BLets take an example in which you suspect several em-ployees in your store of stealing money. Stage I. Setting the scene. With one of the employeeslet the conversation turn casually to stealing and say, "Oh,I knew right from the start what was going on." Stage 2. Its no big deal. "You had to know I knew.How else do you think you could have gotten away with itfor so long? I hope you dont think Im a complete idiot."(Thats a great phrase because he doesnt want to risk of-fending you on top of everything else.) Stage 3. I appreciate what youve done. "I know thatyou were just going along with it because you were scaredof what the others would do. Its really okay. I know yourenot that kind of person." Do you see how nicely this works?By confessing he feels that hes being a good person, thekind of person his boss thinks he is. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. ATTACK SEQUENCE 4 Direct Assumption/Shot in the Dark Stage 1. Set the scene. This sequence is used when youhave a gut feeling that something isnt right, but youre notquite sure what it is and you dont have any evidence tosupport your thinking. In this sequence he is forced to talkabout whatever he feels are his misdeeds. You will beamazed at what comes out of his mouth. Remember to holdyour ground and not settle until you hear a confession ofvalue. Weve all done things were not proud of. This ques-tioning sequence really opens the mental floodgates. Youhave the leverage because youre in control of the conver-sation—youre holding all the cards. Its his job to figure outwhat hes done wrong and how to make it all right. First setthe scene: be somewhat curt and standoffish, as if somethingheavy-duty is bothering you. This will cause his mind torace to find ways to explain the "error of his ways."
    • Stage 2. I’m hurt. Say, "Ive just found something outand Im really hurt [shocked/surprised]. I know youre go-ing to lie to me and try to deny it, but I just wanted you toknow that I know." This is different from saying, "Dont lieto me." By saying "I know youre going to lie," you establishthat (a) hes guilty of something and (b) you know what itis. Now its merely a question of whether or not he comesclean. Notice that youre not asking for anything. Saying"Please dont lie to me" establishes that you dont knowwhat the truth is, putting you in a weaker position. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 3. Holding your ground. Say, "I think we bothknow what Im talking about. We need to clear the air, andwe can start by your talking." If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 4. Continue to hold your ground. Repeat phrasessuch as "Im sure it will come to you" and "The longer Iwait, the madder Im getting." If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 5. Apply social pressure. Now is the time to adda little social pressure. This re-establishes that yourassertion is a fact, not a suspicion. "We were all talkingabout it. Everybody knows." Now he begins to get curiousabout who knows and how they found out. As soon as hetries to find out this information, youll know that hesguilty. If you dont get the answer you re looking, for continueto phase three. ATTACK SEQUENCE 5 Who, Me? Stage 1. Setting the scene. This sequence works wellwhen you dont have any real proof that someone haswronged you but you believe that you are right in your as-sumption of guilt. For example, lets say Winstons househad been broken into. He was convinced that his ex-girlfriend, whom he had recently broken up with, was theculprit. But he wasnt sure. She had his key, and the onlything that was missing was some expensive jewellery that
    • was well hidden. But the housekeeper or the electrician whohad just finished some work could have done it or it mighthave been simply a random burglary. Just calling his ex-girlfriend and accusing her of this crime would have beenfutile. She would deny all knowledge of the event, and hewould be left with no evidence and no confession. Instead,he proceeded as follows. He phoned to let her know in a very non-accusatory waythat there had been a break-in and some items were missing.In an attempt to sound surprised, she asked what happened.The following is a short example of the type of conversationthat would ensue.WINSTON: The police are going to want to talk to everyone who had access to the house. Since you still have a key, theyre going to want to speak with you. Just routine stuff, Im sure. Of course youre not a suspect.Ex-GlRLFRIEND: But I dont know anything about it.WINSTON: Oh, I know. Just policy, I guess. Anyway, one of my neighbors said that she got a partial license-plate number on a car that was by my house that day.Ex-GIRLFRIEND: {After a long pause) Well, I was driving around your neighbourhood that day. I stopped by to see if you were home. But when you werent, I just left. So far she has effectively explained her presence therethat day. But in doing so she has established either an un-canny coincidence or her guilt. Had she been innocent, shewould have had no reason to pursue this line of conversa-tion. He then introduces more evidence.WINSTON: Oh, really? Well, they did a fingerprint test too. That should show something. Ex: Whattest? WINSTON: Oh, they dusted for prints and… At this point she said that the police mightpick up her prints, since she had been therepreviously. Although by now he knew shewas involved, it wasnt until about ten minuteslater that she broke down and confessed—atfirst to just being in the house and then later totaking the jewellery.
    • Stage 2. Inform non-accusatorily. Casually informyour suspect of the situation. Stage 3. Introduce evidence to be rebutted. As you in-troduce the evidence, look to see if every one of your state-ments are met by explanations from him as to how theevidence could be misunderstood. For example, lets saythat you suspect that your co-worker had shredded some ofyour files in hopes of beating you out for a promotion. Youwould first set the stage by letting him know that you cantfind some important files. And then you say something like,"Well, its a good thing my new secretary noticed someoneby the shredder the other day. She said she recognized hisface but didnt know his name." At this point see if he offersup a reason as to why he would be mistaken for the "realculprit." He might tell you that he was there shredding someof his own documents. An innocent person would not feelthe need to explain in order to avert the possibility that hemight be wrongly accused. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 4. Continue. Continue with more facts that theperson can try to explain away. But in actuality, as soon ashe starts to talk about why the situation might "look thatway," you know you have him. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. ATTACK SEQUENCE 6 Outrageous AccusationsIn this sequence you accuse the person of everything andanything under the sun. By accusing him of doing everypossible thing wrong, you will get a confession concerningwhat he has really done—which to him at this point is nobig deal, considering all that youre accusing him of. Stage 1. Accuse him of everything. In a very fed-upmanner accuse him of doing every imaginable dishonest anddisloyal act. Stage 2. Introduce the suspicion. Now you introducethe one thing that you feel he really has done, and in anattempt to clear himself of the other charges, he will offeran explanation for his one slip-up. He will of course natu-rally profess total innocence of the other accusations.
    • Phrase it as such: "I mean, its not like you just [whateveryou suspect him of doing], that would be fine. But all theseother things are unspeakable." You might get a response like "No, I just stole that one file because of the pressure to get the job done, but I would never sell trade secrets!" The only way to prove his innocence to all of your outrageous accusations is to explain why he did what you really suspect him of doing. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. Stage 3. Step in closer. This increases anxiety in theguilty. The movement makes him feel hes being closed inon. If you dont get the answer you want, go back to stage1 and ask again. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. ATTACK SEQUENCE 7 Is There a Reason? Stage 1. Introduce a fact. In this sequence the personmust answer your question with information, not a simpledenial. For example, if you want to know if your secretarywent out last night when she said she was sick, your questionmight be "I drove by your house on the way home. Is there areason your car wasnt in the driveway?" If you simply ask,"Did you go out last night?" she can deny that she did. Butby introducing a plausible fact, you force her to answer. Ifshe was out, she will try to explain the missing car. When shedoes, you will have verified what you suspect to be true—that she was not at home sick. Do you see how this works? Ifshe lied about having to stay home because she was sick,then she has to explain where the car was. She might saythat a friend borrowed it or that she ran out to get cold med-icine, etc. Had she been home sick, she would simply tell youthat you were wrong—the car was in the driveway. Stage 2. One more shot. You want to give her one moreshot at coming clean or at coming up with a reasonableexplanation to explain your "fact." Say, "Oh, thats odd, Icalled your house and I got your machine." To which shemight reply, "Oh, I turned my machine on to get some rest."Remember, if she is guilty she will look for any way to makeher story fit your facts. If she does this, shes probably lying.Now its possible that a friend did borrow the car and that
    • she did turn her machine off. However, at some point these"explanations" are going to start sounding manufactured. Additionally, because she is forced to tell new lies to pro-tect previous ones, you now have several statements you canlook at for signs of deceit. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 3. Stare. Staring is an underused yet formidableweapon. It produces different results depending upon par-ticular situations. Staring makes someone who is on the de-fensive feel closed in; your glare is infringing on her personalspace, inducing a mental claustrophobia. To escape sheneeds only tell you the truth. Lock eyes with her and askagain. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. AT T AC K S E Q U E N C E 8 Third-Party ConfirmationThis sequence is one of the more powerful ones, providedyou have the cooperation of a third party. You gain maxi-mum credibility, because it removes just about any doubtthat there is deception on your part. ScenarioYou suspect one of your employees is having someone elsepunch out on the time clock for him. Stage 1. Accuse outright. After gaining the assistance ofa friend or co-worker, you have this person make the accu-sation for you. Such as "Mel, 1 was talking to Cindy, andshe told me shes getting pretty tired of your having someoneelse punch out for you so you can leave work early." At this point Mel is concerned only with Cindys disap-proval of his actions. Your friend is thoroughly believablebecause we rarely think to question this type of third-partysetup. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage.
    • Stage 2. Are you kidding? If he still wont confess, switchthe focus with "Are you kidding? Its common knowledge,but I think I know how you can smooth things over withher." See if he takes the bait. A person whos innocent wouldnot be interested in smoothing things over with someone elsefor something that he hasnt done. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 3. Last call. "Okay. But are you sure?" At thispoint any hesitation is likely to be sign of guilt because hesquickly trying to weigh his options. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. ATTACK SEQUENCE 9 The Chain ReactionIn this sequence you create a chain reaction that originatesin the persons own deceitful actions. In other words, theonly way he can take advantage of a new opportunity pre-sented to him is to admit his previous actions. The sequenceis based on the assumption that the wrongdoing took placeand brings the conversation past that. Whenever you wanta confession, youre far better off moving the conversationpast his actions. Otherwise hes likely to lie or become de-fensive. Both reactions do you little good. However, if thefocus of your discussion is not on what he has already done,then youre likely to get him to admit to his actions, as heassumes that you already have proof of them. ScenarioYou suspect several employees in your store of stealingmoney. Stage 1. Setting the scene. In a one-on-one meeting withthe employee, let him know that youre looking for someoneto be in charge of a new internal theft program for the en-tire company. Stage 2. The irony is . . . "Were looking for someonewho knows how its done. Now dont worry, youre not goingto get in trouble. As a matter of fact weve known about it forsome time. We were more interested in seeing how efficientyou were. Quite impressive. Anyway, we feel that since you
    • know how its done, youll know how to prevent it. Granted,its pretty unusual, but this is an unusual instance." He now feels comfortable with his previous actions. Hisnew position is even dependent upon his misdeeds. Denyingwhat hes done will cost him his big promotion. If you tellyour story convincingly, he will even boast about his mis-deeds. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto the next stage. Stage 3. I told them so. "You know, I told them thatyou would be too afraid to have an open discussion aboutthis. [Notice how disarming the phrase "open discussion"is; its much better than "confess" or "stop lying."] Theywere wrong, I was right." This works because he now feels that whoever "they" are,theyre on his side. Hes going to be hesitant about letting"them" down. Look for hesitation on his part. If hes guiltyhe will be weighing his options. This takes time. An innocentperson has nothing to think about. Only the guilty have theoption of confessing or not. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. ATTACK SEQUENCE 10 The Missing LinkThis sequence is used when you have some idea aboutwhats going on, but you dont have the full story. You offerthe information you do have so that he believes the rest ofwhat you say. This is also used with one magic key phrase,and if he takes the bait, hes guilty. ScenarioYou think that your mother-in-law may have hired a privateinvestigator to follow you around. Stage 1. List facts. Tell her something that you know tobe true. "I know youre not very fond of me, and that youobjected to the wedding, but this time youve gone too far." Stage 2. State your assumption. "I know all about theinvestigator. Why did you think that was necessary?" Stage 3. The magic phrase. "You know what, Im tooupset to talk about this now."
    • If she becomes quiet shes probably guilty. If she has noidea what youre talking about, you can be sure that shedoesnt care if youre too upset to talk about it—becauseyou have no reason to be upset. The guilty person will honour your request because shewont want to anger you further. An innocent person willbe mad at you for accusing her of something that she hasntdone and will want to discuss it now. If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continueto phase three. AT T AC K SEQUENCE 11 Condemn or Concern Stage I. Im just letting you know. The key with thissequence is not to accuse, just to inform. The response ofyour suspect will let you know if hes innocent or guilty.This sequence explores a persons frame of mind when heor she is presented with new information. Pamela has aroutine physical, and when her doctor gets the blood testresults, he calls to inform her that she has contracted theherpes virus. Thinking back over her recent sexual partners,she is convinced that it must have been either Mike or Stevenwho gave her the disease. Merely asking her two "suspects"if they knowingly gave her herpes would probably provefutile, as a denial by both would be likely. Fortunately Pa-mela is skilled in the art of detecting deceit and decides ona different course of action. She calls both guys up and casually informs them thatshe just found out that she has herpes. The responses shegot led her straight to the culprit. After hearing the newsthe two men responded as follows:MlKE: Well, dont look at me. I didnt give it to you! Im clean.STEVEN: You what! How long have you had it for? You might have given it to me! I cant believe this. Are you sure? Which one is likely to be the guilty party? If you guessedMike, youre right. On hearing that his previous sexual part-ner has an incurable, easily transmissible disease, he goeson the defensive—assuming that he is being accused of giv-ing it to her. He is unconcerned about his own health be-cause he already knows he is infected. Steven, in contrast,assumes that the call is to inform him that she might haveinfected him. Thus, he gets angry because he is concerned
    • about his health. Mike simply wants to make Pamela believehe is not guilty. Heres another example. Lets say that youre working inthe customer service department of a computer store. A cus-tomer brings back a nonworking printer for an exchange,claiming that he bought it just few days before. He has theall-important receipt and the printer is packed neatly in theoriginal box. Upon inspecting the contents you find that anecessary, expensive, and easily removable component ofthe machine is missing, a clear indication of why the ma-chine was not functioning properly. Here are two possibleresponses you might get after informing the customer ofyour discovery. Response 1. "I didnt take it out. Thats how it was when I bought it." (Defensive) Response 2. "What? You sold me a printer that has a missing part? I wasted two hours trying to get that thing to work. " (Offensive) Do you see how effective this is? The person who uttersResponse 2 has every right to be annoyed; it never crosseshis mind that hes being accused of anything. The personwho gives Response 1 knows he never even tried to get theprinter to work because he took the part out. It doesnt occurto him to become angry. He assumes that hes being accusedof removing the part and becomes defensive when you in-form him the part is missing.If you dont get the answer youre looking for, continue tophase three. PHASE 3 E L E V E N S I L V E R B U L L E T S : H O W TO G E T T H E T R U T H W I T H O U T B E A T I N G IT O U T OF T H E MThe following eleven bullets can be used independently orin order, one after another, until you get the answer yourelooking for. They are designed to get the person to confess.While the bullets can be fired in any order, some of themnegate subsequent ones, so see which ones are appropriatefor your particular situation and then arrange them in theappropriate sequence. You want to convey enthusiasm and truthfulness whenyou use these bullets. They are most effective when you con-vey complete honesty in what youre saying. So dont "giveyourself away" by making the same mistakes revealed inthe clues. You see, the clues to deceit work in reverse aswell. If you do not commit any of them, the person you are
    • speaking to will at both the conscious and the unconsciouslevel perceive you as truthful. Dont forget that this personmust believe what youre saying is true. If you threaten todo something, it has to be a believable threat or he wonttake the bait. To convey honesty and truthfulness in yourmessage, use the following techniques:• Look the person directly in the eyes.• Use hand movements to emphasize your message.• Use animated gestures that are fluid and consistent with the conversation. Stand or sit upright—no slouching. Dont start off with any statements such as "To tell you the truth . . ."or "To be perfectly honest with you . . . " Face the person straight on. Dont back away. A N D DONT F O R G E T THE CARROT!"And there goes Lucky . . ." This is the announcers famil-iar line at the dog track at the start of the race. Lucky refersto a stuffed rabbit that moves around the track just in frontof the lead dog, an incentive that keeps all the dogs runningfaster. Liars are a lot like dogs. They need an incentive toconfess. And an incentive is much more powerful if its of-fered in a specific way. The payoff for confessing needs tobe immediate, clear, specific, and compelling. You cant justtell a person what hell gain by being truthful or lose bycontinuing to lie; you must make it real for him—so real,in fact, that he can feel, taste, touch, see, and hear it. Makeit his reality. Let him experience fully the pleasure of beinghonest and the pain of continuing the lie. Involve as manyof the senses as you can, particularly visual, auditory, andkinaesthetic. Create images for the person to see, sounds forhim to hear, and sensations that he can almost feel. Youwant to make this experience as real as possible. The best way to do it is to first state the positives, thenstate the negatives, and then present the choice. You wantto use this type of imagery with the silver bullets. For example, suppose you are a boss investigating thepossibility that your employee is embezzling money fromthe company. Heres how you might talk to him: "Bill, youneed to tell me the whole story* so we can put this behindus. Look, Ive got big plans for you. You know that corneroffice with the green marble floors and mirrored bar? Well,pretty soon youll be sitting behind that solid oak desk and
    • running your own division. Of course youll have your ownassistant—probably Cathy. And when you drive to workeach morning youll be able to park in one of the reservedspaces. The monthly executive dinner meetings as well asuse of the company vacation home in Hawaii will be yoursas well." Do you see how imagery helped Bill imagine himself inhis new position? His "logical" promotion has been trans-formed into an emotional experience.Now you, as Bills boss, pause, sigh, and in your bestparental tone finish your statement. "Unfortunately, noneof this will ever be possible if we dont clear the air aboutthe missing money. Taking it is one thing—we all makemistakes. I have, you have, we all have. But I cant have aliar working here. If you wait for accounting to tell me, astough as it will be for me to do, youll be out of here realfast. And unfortunately you know how these things can getaround. Getting another job will be very difficult for you.As you pound the pavement each day looking for workyoull find one door after another slamming shut in frontof you. I sure wouldnt want to face your wife every nightwhen you tell her that you had no luck finding a new job.So whats it going to be? The corner office and the brightfuture, or the disgrace and pain of losing everything?" *The phrase "whole story" is more effective than asking someone toconfess or tell the truth. By asking for the whole story youre not implyingthat hes been lying to you and youre giving him credit for being partiallyhonest. Now he just has to go a little further and be completely honest.Asking someone to tell the truth is asking him to reverse his original po-sition, the lie. And this is more difficult to bring about. Above all, be consistentKeep your message consistent. Remember that we all com-municate on two levels: verbal and nonverbal. For instance,when you give an ultimatum, make sure that your nonver-bal communication is consistent with your words. If you tellsomeone that you have "had enough and are through beinglied to" only to remain where you are, youre not going tobe very convincing. In this instance you would need to getup and walk toward the exit. You can always come backwith another strategy later. Your behaviour must always re-flect the intensity and passion of your message.Quick Tip: Always use the persons name when youre speaking. People tendto listen more closely and respond more compliantly when they hear theirname.
    • SILVER BULLET 1 If You Think Thats Bad, Wait Until You Hear This!This bullet works well because it forces the liar into thinkingemotionally instead of logically. It alleviates his guilt bymaking him feel that hes not alone, and it throws him offby creating a little anger and/or curiosity. Plus he thinksthat you and he are exchanging information, instead of hisgiving you something for nothing. Sample question formation: "The reason Im asking youthese questions is that Ive done some things that Imnot too proud of, either. I can understand why you mighthave . . . In a way Im almost relieved. Now I dont feel toobad." At this point he will ask you to get more specific aboutyour actions. But insist that he tell you first. Hold out andhell come clean. SILVER BULLET 2 It Was an Accident. Really!This is a great strategy because it makes him feel that itwould be a good thing to have you know exactly what hap-pened. He did something wrong, true, but that is no longeryour concern. You shift the focus of your concern to hisintentions, not his actions. This makes it easy for him toconfess to his behaviour and "make it okay" with theexplanation that it was unintentional. He feels that youcare about his motivation. In other words, you let himknow that the source of your concern is not what hesdone, but why hes done it. Sample question formation: "I can understand thatmaybe you didnt plan on its happening. Things just got outof control and you acted without thinking. Im fine withthat—an accident, right? But if you did this on purpose, Idont think that I could ever forgive you. You need to tellme that you didnt do it intentionally. Please."
    • SILVER BULLET 3 The BoomerangFiring this bullet really throws a psychological curveball.With this example you tell him that he did something good,not bad. Hes completely thrown off by this. Scenario AYou suspect that Richard is stealing from the company. Youwant to find out if this is true, and if so, how long its beengoing on. Sample question formation: "Hey, Richard, I think youand I can become very wealthy partners. It seems thatyouve been cutting in on my action a little bit. But thatsokay. We can work together, you old devil." You want toseem glad that you know what hes doing. Scenario BYou suspect that your spouse may be having an affair. Sample question formation: "You know, John, whileIm not thrilled about what was going on behind my back[this phrase is said to gain credibility; starting off with anhonest statement makes what follows more believable], youshould have said something. I could have saved you a lot ofsneaking around. Maybe all three of us could get together.It might be fun. All this sneaking around is silly." Wow, hes blown away. He has an incentive for tellingthe truth thats better than what he was doing on the sly. Inother words, he thinks that by coming clean, hell have morefun doing what hes been doing. If hes not cheating on you,hell think youre nuts, but you will nonetheless have thetruth.
    • Scenario CYou want to see if your interviewee has lied on her resume. Sample question formation: "As we both know, every-body pads his resume just a bit. Personally, I think it showsguts. It tells me that the person isnt afraid to take on newresponsibilities. Which parts were you most creative with onthis resume?" SILVER BULLET 4 Truth or ConsequencesWith this bullet you force your antagonist to work with youor you both end up with nothing. This is the exact oppositeof the boomerang. Here the person has nothing unlesshe cooperates with you. Since you have nothing anyway(meaning you dont have the truth), its a good trade-off foryou. The following parable illustrates this point nicely. A greedy and evil watermelon farmer realizes that some-one has been stealing one watermelon from him each night.Try as he might, he cannot catch the thief. Frustrated andannoyed, one afternoon he goes into his vast watermelonpatch and injects one of the melons with a lethal poison. Notto be totally cruel, he posts a sign that reads, "To the personwho is stealing from me: I have poisoned one of the water-melons. Steal from me, and you will be risking your life."The next morning he goes out, and while he is pleased tosee that the thief has not struck, he finds a note left for him."Dear Farmer: Tonight I too have poisoned one of your wa-termelons. Now we can either work together or they will allrot." Scenario AYou suspect that your housekeeper has stolen from you. Sample question formation: "Id rather hear it from youfirst. I can live with what you did/what happened, but notwith your lying to me about it. If you dont tell me, then itsover. If you tell me the truth, things can go back to howthey were. But if you dont, then we have no chance here,and youll have nothing." You cant let the person benefit from his action unless hetells you about it. Now the only way he can set thingsstraight is by confessing and cooperating with you.
    • This bullet allows him to confess to his wrongdoing withless anxiety. You want to convey that anything that hesdone pales in comparison to his lying to about it: "Doingwhat you did is one thing—we can get past that—but lyingabout it is something that I cannot deal with. Just be honestand well be able to put this whole thing behind us. Untilyou come clean, it wont be possible for you to continuehere." S I L V E R BULLET 5 Speak Now or Forever Hold Your PeacePlumbers know that the time to negotiate a price is whenthe basement is flooded. Obviously, the motivation for thehomeowner to act is highest when the problem is most in-tense. And when might the pilots union go on strike? Rightbefore holidays, the peak days of the year for airline travel.The name of the game is leverage. Deadlines produce results. How fast do you think youwould get your taxes in if there was no deadline? Or ifthere was a deadline but no penalty was attached to it? Howfast would you get a project done at work if your boss toldyou that the results had to be on his desk before you retired?Would you ever get around to using those coupons if theyhad no expiration date? We have deadlines with penaltiesattached in almost every area of our life. Human beings place a premium on that which is scarce.Simply put, rare equals good. You can dramatically increaseyour leverage by conveying that this is the only time thatyou will discuss this. Let him know that (a) this is his lastchance hell have for explaining himself, and (b) you canget what you need from someone else. Try increasing therate of your speech as well. The faster you speak, the lesstime he has to process the information, and it conveys astronger sense of urgency. Give a deadline with a penalty for not meeting it. Dead-lines force action. If the guilty party thinks that he can al-ways come clean, then he will take a wait-and-see approachbefore tipping his hand. Let the person know that you al-ready know and have proof of his action. And admitting hissins now will give him the opportunity to explain his side. Sample question formation I: "I want to hear it fromyou now. After tomorrow, anything you say wont make adifference to me."
    • Sample question formation II: "I know what happened/what you did. I was hoping I would hear it from you first.It would mean a lot to me to hear your side of it. I knowthere are two sides to every story, and before I decide whatto do, I want to hear yours." Hearing this gives him the feeling he still has a chance ifhe confesses. After all, what really happened cant be as badas what you heard. Confessing now is a way of cutting hislosses. SILVER BULLET 6 Reverse CourseThis sequence provides the person with an unforeseen andunexpected incentive to tell the truth. You convey to himthat what happened or what he did was a good thing insofaras it allows you and he to establish an even better relation-ship—personal or professional. You give him an opportu-nity to explain why he took that choice. You also blameyourself. Heres how it works. Sample question formation: "I understand why youwould have done that. Clearly you wouldnt have unlessyou had a good reason. You were probably treated unfairlyor something was lacking. What can I do to help so that itdoesnt happen again?" This is an assumptive question—you take for granted you are right in your assertion that heacted in this way. When he begins to tell you his griev-ances, it paves the way for him to justify his previous ac-tions—his misdeeds—to you. Keep interjecting thefollowing phrases: "I take full responsibility for your ac-tions. Lets work together to see how we can avoid thishappening again. I understand completely. You were rightto do what you did." S I L V E R BULLET 7 I Hate to Do This But You Leave me No ChoiceThis is the only strategy that involves threat. The other bul-lets make it comfortable for the person to reveal his trueself. This one turns up the heat a little. You let him becomeaware that there are going to be greater ramifications andrepercussions than just lying to you—things that he neverthought about. In this bullet you up the ante, but you rely on his imag-ination to set the terms of the damage that you can inflict.
    • His mind will race through every possible scenario as hisown fears turn against him. You create a larger problemand then offer a solution. The deceiver made his choice todeceive based upon a gain/loss ratio that he deemed to beto his benefit. Letting him know that the ramifications aremuch greater than he ever considered helps to re-establishthe risk/reward ratio in your favour. Sample question formation I: "I didnt want to have todo this, but you leave me no choice." This will inevitablypropel him to respond: "Do what?" At this point hes wait-ing to see what the trade-off will be. But do not commit your-self to an action. Let him create in his own mind scenariosof what you will do unless he confesses. Sample question formation II: "You know what I cando, and Ill do it. If you dont want to tell me now, dont.Ill just do what I have to do." After this statement pay close attention to his response.If he focuses on what you will do to him, the odds lean moretoward guilty. However, if he reasserts that hes done noth-ing, he may in fact be innocent of your accusation. This isbecause the guilty person needs to know the penalty to de-termine if it makes sense for him to stick to his story. Onlythe guilty have the option of confessing. They are the oneswho have to make a decision. The innocent has no suchchoice to make, and therefore nothing to consider. SILVER BULLET 8 I Guess Youre Not AllowedNever underestimate the power of appealing to a personsego. Sometimes you want to inflate it, and other times youwant to attack it. And as you may have guessed, this bulletis for attacking. Its truly saddening how fragile some peoples egos are—but for these people this bullet works very well. It really getsunder their skin. A friend of mine who is a police detectiveloves this technique. The following is a generic example ofhow it is used. "We picked up this guy for beating up on a couple ofhomeless guys. We were getting absolutely nowhere withhim. Finally, after half an hour, we were thinking we hadto let him walk. We had no case because one of the homelessmen disappeared and the other was too afraid. So I lookedat this jackass and said, Oh, okay, I get it. Youre afraid
    • that Niko [a drug runner he has worked with before] isgonna kick the crap out of you. Thats it, isnt it? You cantgo to court over this because he owns you. Youre his littleslave." After the suspect hurled a few expletives he shouted,"Nobody owns me." He became indignant. And to prove hispoint, he did what he had to: he confessed, proudly. Sample question formation I: "I think I know what itis—youre not allowed to tell me. Somebody else is pullingthe strings and youll get in trouble." Sample question formation II: "Okay, I think I knowwhat it is. Youd tell me the truth if you could, but you donthave the power to. Youre not able to and you probably feelas bad as I do about it." SILVER BULLET 9 Higher AuthorityIf the situation is right, this bullet will work exceptionallywell. An acquaintance of mine who works in the humanresources department of a large financial firm loves this one.She tells me that its her greatest tool for weeding out un-desirable candidates for employment. As long as the person believes that you are on his side,hell take the bait. All you have to do is let him know thatanything hes lied about can now be cleared up in seconds.However, if anyone else finds out about it later, its too late. Scenario AYou think an interviewee has lied on his resume. Sample question formation: "Im going to do somethingnice for you because I think youd be great for this job.Theyre going to want to verify everything on the resume.Even the slightest exaggeration will prevent you from beinghired. So lets clean it up now. What specifically needs to berevised so that its perfectly accurate?" Scenario BYou want to know if your secretary leaves early when youreout of the office. Sample question formation: "The vice president fromcorporate is coming in today. Hes asked about your hours,so Im going to tell him that you come in early on the days
    • that you leave early. Do you remember what days lastmonth you finished up early and took off?" Do you see how disarming this is? Youre not yelling ather or demanding answers. Its us against them, and yourehere to help. Plus the phrase "finished up early" impliesthat shes done all her work—and efficiently at that. Youreon her side, and youre going to work together to smooththings over. S I L V E R BULLET 10 The Great UnknownFor most people it is next to impossible to see anything orunderstand any concept by itself. This means that when anew situation arises we have an inherent need to compareand contrast it with something familiar. But what if therewas no category for it fall into? This can be a very fright-ening experience. If you want the truth and the penalty for lying is clear,then the suspect knows the up side and the down side forconfessing and he can weigh his options. It stands to reasonthat in instances where the penalty for lying is not severeenough, you will have difficulty getting the truth. So youneed to remove the penalty from the known and put it whereits uncomfortable: the unknown. You can obtain maximum leverage by explaining how theramifications of his deceit will be something that the suspecthas never known before. Even if he believes that you arelimited in what you can do to him and in what the penaltywill be, the severity of the penalty can be manipulated intwo major ways to make it appear much more severe. Thetwo factors are time and impact. Time: Give no indication of when the penalty will occur.When things happen unexpectedly, the degree of anguish ismore potent. If he knows he wont get a chance to mentallyprepare and brace himself, the anxiety is greatly heightened. Impact: Convey that his entire life will be disrupted anddrastically altered for the worse. He needs to see that thisevent is not isolated and will instead have a ripple effect.When bad things happen we are often comforted in knowingthat it will soon be over and the rest of our life will remainintact and unaffected. But if these things are not assured,we become increasingly fearful and concerned.
    • ScenarioYou suspect an employee of stealing. You can threaten tofire him, in which case he may weigh his options and decidethat you may never find out the truth. However, if yousaid . . . Sample question formation: "Smith, at any time shouldI discover that youve been lying to me about this, I willhave your desk cleaned out and security escort you to yourcar. There will be no good-byes. Ill march you right out ofhere in the middle of the day. And this is a small businesscommunity—try getting a job with this hanging over yourhead. Youll be completely through." You then ask him to come clean now and offer him theoption of a transfer to another part of the company so youcan both put this behind you. This last sentence is called aneasy-out clause and is talked about more in part 6. SILVER BULLET 11 I Couldnt Care LessA primary law governing human nature is that we all havea need to feel significant. Nobody wants to be thought of asunimportant, or feel that his ideas and thinking is irrelevant.Take away a persons belief that he has value and hell dojust about anything to reassert his sense of importance. Ifhe feels that you dont care that hes lying to you, he willwant to know—better, he needs to know—why youre socavalier and dispassionate. Did you expect something likethis from him? Do you know something that he doesnt?Are you uninterested in his opinion or feelings for you? Doyou plan on seeking retribution or revenge? When you showemotion, you show that you care. Your apathy toward thesituation will unnerve him immensely. He will begin tocrave recognition and acceptance, in any form. He needs toknow you care what happens, and if talking about his mis-deeds is the only way he can find out, he will. Some exam-ples of what you can say are as follows: Sample question formation A: "I know and I just dontcare. This is not for me." Sample question formation B: "Ive got other things tothink about. Maybe well talk some other time." Sample question formation C: "You do what you haveto do, thats fine with me."
    • When you ignore a person you usually do not makeeye contact. However, in this situation, you want tomake an instant impact, and engaging him in direct eyecontact does this best. To make this even morepowerful, stare at him. In our culture, as in most,staring is often dehumanizing. We stare at things thatare on display, such as caged animals. When you stareat someone he often feels less significant and will seekto reassert his value.These attack sequences should do the job quite nicely.However, if youre still not getting the answers youwant, its time for the advanced techniques in part 5.Remember to read this section through carefully beforeusing any of these techniques.
    • Now what about those times when youre not quite sure ifsomeone is lying to you, but a full-fledged interrogation isout of the question? Here are some excellent ways to gathermore information without being obvious. GENERAL CONVERSATIONS 1. Ask-a-FactDuring the conversation simply ask general, clear questionspertaining to your suspicion. This causes the person you arequestioning to recall information. If he spoke the truth, thenhe will answer you quickly and effortlessly. If he was lying,your clues to deceit will let you know. Most important, notehow long it takes him to call up the information. If heslying, hell take a while to answer because he first has tocheck his response mentally to be sure it makes sense. Made-up stories do not have details because they never happened!Ask questions that will give you an objective, not a sub-jective, response. For instance, if you think an employee washome when he said he would be away on vacation, dontask him how he enjoyed the weather in Florida. People gen-erally take longer to respond to these type of questions. In-stead, ask one such as "Did you rent a car?" Casually askmore questions in the same vein. Once he answers yes toany question, ask for more detail. If hes lying, hell try tokeep the facts straight and will take his time answering further questions. People love to talk about themselves. Theonly way that someone would want to change the subjectis if hes uncomfortable with the questions. If youreasking simple, innocuous questions you should expect thathe would want to extend the conversation, not end it.Most people will love to go on endlessly about the new res-taurant they went to, the trip they took or the job theyturned down . . . unless of course theyre lying and you keepasking questions. 2. Add-a-False FactIn this sequence you add a fact and ask the person to com-ment on it. This fact is one that youve made up, but onethat sounds perfectly reasonable. For instance, lets say thatwhile you are at a party someone proclaims that he has justreturned from an East African safari. You could tell himthat you heard that East Africa had had record hot tem-peratures. This is a fact that he might be able to confirm ordeny regardless of whether he had actually been there. Fur-thermore, he could just plead ignorance of the fact and pro-claim that it was very, very hot. Either way youre unableto detect deceit.
    • Heres how you can detect it. You can mention that youruncle who works as a customs officer at the Nairobi airporttold you that everyone going to Africa was given specialinstructions on how to avoid malaria. As soon as he validatesyour claim in an attempt to back up his assertion that hehas gone to Africa, you know that his story is untrue. Oth-erwise he would simply say that he doesnt know what youruncle is talking about. Here are the criteria: a. Your statement has to be untrue. If he merely confirmssomething thats actually true, you havent learned anythingnew. b. It has to sound reasonable. Otherwise the person youare questioning might think its a joke. c. Your assertion has to be something that would directlyaffect the person, so he would have firsthand knowledge ofthis "fact." In other words, in the above scenario youwouldnt say you heard that the tilt of the earths axis madefor exceptional viewing of the night sky. 3. Support-a-FactIn this sequence you take what the person says and requestproof, but in a very non-threatening manner. For example,in the case of the person who claimed he had gone on safari,you might let him know that you would love to see picturesof the trip. If he offers up a reason why you cant see thepictures—didnt take any, didnt come out right, left lenscap on—then this should arouse some suspicion. Lets say youre a talk-show producer and you want tocheck the credibility of a guest. You might say, "Your storyabout this government conspiracy is fascinating. Since youworked in the building, it would be great if you would showus your security access card." 4. Expand-a-FactUse this clue to determine how far someone is willing to goto get what she wants. All you do is expand on a fact thatshe has already offered. If she just goes on withoutcorrecting you, then you know that she may be lyingabout what shes said so far and/or is willing to lie to getyou to see her point. Lets say that you and your friend aredeciding on what movie to see. You suggest Lost inParadise, but your friend, who doesnt want to see this,offers as evidence a co-worker who has already seen itand didnt like it. You then say, "Oh, well, if no one in youroffice liked it, I guess its probably no good." If she lets itgo at that—not correcting your false assertion—then youknow that she either lied initially about her co-worker or
    • will lie in this situation. Lets take another example. Yoursecretary asks you for the rest of the day off because shesnot feeling well. You might say, "Oh, of course, if youvegot a fever and a bad headache, by all means take off." Shenever claimed to have these symptoms. You merelyexpanded on her statement. Again, if she does not correctyou, she is clearly either lying about being ill or willing toagree to anything to go home. Of course she may simply besick and eager to get home. However, her not correctingyour statement indicates that she does not mind beingdeceitful to get what she wants. S P E C I A L OCCASIONSThese strategies are used when a person is reluctant toreveal information for unselfish reasons. Or the situa-tion is such that you have to be very delicate in yourapproach. These people are coming from a different psy-chological position, so the situation must be addresseduniquely. The strategies usually fall into one of the followingten categories. Third-Party ProtectionThis tactic is a little different in that it is used if someone isreluctant to tell you something that involves another per-son. You have to appeal to his ego and let him forget thathes telling tales out of school. Scenario AYour attorney is telling you about a case that a fellow at-torney screwed up on. Simply asking, "What did he dowrong?" would probably get you nowhere. However, byturning it around you create an incentive for him to tell you. Sample question formation: "Had you handled the case,what would you have done differently?" This magic phraseopens the floodgates of conversation.
    • Scenario BWhile chatting with Brad, one of your salespeople, youwould like to find out why Susans sales figures are low. Butsimply asking him why shes not doing well might provefruitless. Out of loyalty to her, he may be reluctant to sayanything. So you turn the question around and he becomescompletely forthcoming. Sample question formation: "What areas do you thinkSusan can improve in?" In both of these scenarios the conversation is positive.The other person feels as if hes doing a good thing by an-swering your question. And in fact he is. Had you asked itthe other way around, you would likely have met with greatreluctance to speak. 2 The Power PlaySometimes the person reluctant to tell the truth is in a po-sition of power. In these situations its usually inappropriateand futile to become argumentative. In these instances youwant to bring the conversation to a personal level. Here aretwo examples of how this is done. Scenario AYoure trying to sell to a buyer who doesnt want to buy andis not giving you a reason that you truly believe. Your ob-jective will be to get to the real objection. Sample question formation: "I do this for a living. Myfamily relies on me to support them. Clearly we have a fineproduct and youre a reasonable man. Would you mind tell-ing me what I did to offend you?" Now your buyer is caught off guard and will undoubtedlyfollow with "Oh, you didnt offend me. Its just that. . ." Offend is a powerful word. Now youll get the real objec-tion because he figures that telling you the truth is the onlyway to show you that you havent offended him.
    • Scenario BYour boss is reluctant to tell you exactly why you werepassed up for the promotion. Sample question formation: "Ms. Smith, I understandwhere youre coming from, and I respect your thoughts.Someday I hope to be as successful in this company as youare today. Let me ask you one question, if I may? If youwere me, sitting in this chair now, do you think that youwould have a better chance of moving up in the company ifyou were aware of your shortcomings?" 3 Hurt FeelingsIn this situation someone is lying to you to protect yourfeelings—perhaps one of those little white lies. Youre in-terested in getting at the truth. A touch of guilt makes theother person re-evaluate his approach. ScenarioYou feel that the truth is being withheld from you for yourown benefit. Sample question formation I: "I know you dont wantto offend me, but youre hurting me more by not being per-fectly honest." Using the word perfectly here serves a pur-pose. It gives the person credit for being partially honestwith you. Sample question formation II: "If you dont tell me, noone else will. If I cant count on you for this, I dont knowwhat I would do. " Its a Matter of OpinionTrying to detect deceit in a persons opinion is hard. Youcant exactly call someone a liar, arguing that she doesntreally believe what she is saying to be the truth. The follow-ing is an excellent method for revealing a persons true feel-ings in any situation.
    • Scenario AYoure not sure if your boss really likes your idea for a newadvertising campaign, even though she says she does. Sample question sequence I: "Do you like the concept for my new idea?" "Sure. Its very original." "Well, what would it take for you to love the idea?" In this example your boss has committed to liking theidea. You dont argue with her or press her on it. The wordsyou use in your response indicate that you know there isroom for improvement. She feels comfortable offering crit-icism because she feels that you expect her to do so. Scenario BYou want to know if your son is looking forward to goingto camp this summer. Sample question sequence II: "Are you excited about camp next month?" "Yeah. Itll be fun." "What would it take for you to be really excited about going?" Again, he feels comfortable answering honestly becauseyour questions to him make it obvious that you know thateverythings not perfect. 5 I Dont KnowMost people dont like to be wrong. Furthermore, most peo-ple dont like to be put in a situation where they feel theyhave to defend themselves. As a result, oftentimes when youask someone what she is thinking or how she feels, she re-plies, "I dont know." This response can stall a conversationand leave you searching for answers. Sometimes its justeasier to say UI dont know," which is often why we say itin the first place. Either way, when you hear "I dont know,"try some of the following responses:1. "Okay, then why dont you tell me how youve come to think the way you do?"2. "I know you dont know, but if you were to guess, what do you think it might be?"3. "Can you tell me what part of this youre okay with?"4. "In what past situations have you felt similar to this one?"5. "What emotion best describes what youre thinking right
    • now?"6. "Can you think of just one reason?"7. "What one word comes closest to describing what youre thinking?" In all of these responses, youre taking the pressure off.You acknowledge the persons difficulty in answering. Youthen seem to be asking her to provide something else, whenin reality your new question is aimed at getting your initialquestion answered. "I dont know" could also mean that the person feels guiltyor foolish about her actions. In this case you want to relieveher of the responsibility. This is done in the following way: Sample question formation: "I know youre not sureabout why you did that, so can you think of any unconsciousmotivations that may have been at work?" This works wellbecause she doesnt have to feel responsible for her actions.It was not her "intention" to do what she did. Herbehaviour was not consciously motivated. Im Simply EmbarrassedIn this encounter someone is unwilling to tell you the truthor may lie to you out of embarrassment. The usual tacticsdont work here because the person probably isnt obligatedto tell you and more than likely will have nothing to gainby doing so. Therefore you need to create an incentive fortelling the truth in an environment that makes him feel com-fortable. Scenario AYour son doesnt want to tell you about the bully who tookhis lunch money. Sample question formation: "Its okay if you dont wantto talk about it. [This is a key phrase because it instantlydisarms the other person. It lets them know that hes notgoing to get verbally beaten up.] When I was your age thesame thing happened to me. And after I learned what to sayto him, he never bothered me again. Would you like to hearwhat you can do?"
    • Scenario BAs a physician youre speaking with a patient who is reluc-tant to discuss her previous sexual relationships. Sample question formation: "I understand your hesi-tancy, and if you would prefer not to discuss it, then wewont. Whenever I have a patient who feels uncomfortableI do it this way and its much easier and quicker. Im goingto ask you simple yes-or-no questions and you respond ac-cordingly." This works well because the patient knows that therewont be an embarrassing discussion or elaboration of any-thing she says. The yes-or-no format can be used with justabout anyone in any situation that makes one uncomfort-able revealing personal information. Scenario CYou want to find out if the foreman of your constructioncrew has been thinking of leaving your company. Sample question formation: "Mike, on a scale from oneto ten, where one means youve only thought about lookingfor other work and ten means youre very interested in goingwith another company, where might you fit in?" Three important criteria need to be kept in mind. First,notice that you dont say "where do you fall?" as it is typ-ically phrased. The word fall is downward and negative. Itputs his focus lower on the number line. "Fit in" directs histhinking between two numbers and is positive. Second, theword might is used to cushion his association to his answer,helping him to feel less attached to it. Finally, notice too, that you dont say on a scale from oneto ten where one is no interest. You allowed him to answerwith the "easiest option" offered. If, in fact, he had no in-terest whatsoever, then he would go outside the parametersof your question and be free to tell you just that. Scenario DYou think the new intern mixed up two piles of papersand shredded the documents that were supposed to becopied.
    • Sample question formation: "Nelson, if youre the onewho did this, its all right. I remember when I first startedhere. What Im going to tell you is between you and me,okay? Good. I once made copies of a confidential memoinstead of the lunch menu and placed a copy in each per-sons mailbox." The best way to get someone to confide in you is foryou to confide in him. This instantly puts the other personat ease. It shows that you trust him, and he also feelsobligated to share with you something hes done that he feelsuncomfortable with. Divide and ConquerThis is a situation where there are two or more people fromwhom you can get the truth. The mistake that most of usmake is to say something like "Come on, guys. Somebodytell me whats going on here!" We find ourselves soundinga lot like M*A*S*Hs Frank Burns—looking for cooperationeverywhere and finding it nowhere. This plea is often in-effective because of a psychological phenomenon known associal responsibility. Have you ever heard somebody scream from an apart-ment window? While most of us have been in such a situ-ation, we dont feel any strong inclination to do anythingabout it. Its not because were cold and uncaring. Its be-cause the social responsibility to act is divided among manypeople. Everyone assumes that if its an emergency, some-body else has already called the police. There have beencountless stories of a persons having a heart attack on acrowded street while people just walked by. Nobody doesanything because they assume somebody else will; alterna-tively, they think that since nobody else is doing anything,the person must be okay. When there is a diffusion of responsibility, the impetusto act just isnt there. If you want answers or if you wantsomebody to do something, you have to increase his re-sponsibility. This is best accomplished by appealing to oneperson at a time. If you get nowhere with the first person,go to the next and appeal to him.
    • Scenario ASeveral of your sorority sisters pulled a practical joke andyou want to find out who is responsible. Sample question formation I: "Eileen, Im comingto you for one reason and one reason only. I know I cantrust you to tell me the truth. You can trust me like Ican trust you. Youre not like they are. I know I can counton you to do the right thing." If you dont get anywherewith her, go to the next person with the same speech. Somebody will crack. Sample question formation II: "Jennifer, who did thisis not important. I dont even cafe. What is, is our friend-ship. I want to know that I can trust you. I think I can, butI need for you to speak honestly with me. Its not that Imso concerned with who did it—only that you are truthfulwith me about it." If you dont get anywhere with her, goto someone else with the same speech. 8 Professional RelianceFrom attorneys and plumbers to mechanics and teachers,we rely on professionals to be honest and fair. And whilemost are, there are a few who are not. These situations can be tough because you dont have thespecific knowledge and expertise to ask the right questions.Unfortunately the less-than-reputable professional is all tooaware of this. And while your clues to deception will let youknow what kind of person youre dealing with, the followingstrategy will prove useful in these situations.1. Always, if possible, get a second opinion. Its easy to do and can save you a lot of heartache.2. Make sure the person is licensed, insured, and registered to do the actual work.3. Have your agreement drawn up in writing. Oral contracts arent worth the paper theyre written on.4. Ask for referrals or testimonials. If he balks at any one of these points, you might want totake your business elsewhere. The con artist operates bestwhen youre in the dark. Finally, the following strategy should give you an accu-rate insight into the persons intentions. The key is to askfor the opposite of what you really want.
    • Scenario ALets say that your travel agent suggests the Five-Day CruiseGetaway vacation package for you. Youre looking to reallylet loose; you want a trip that will be non-stop fun. Butyoure not sure if shes pushing this package for thecommission or if she really believes that its a great deal. Sample question formation: "The brochure looks great,Sandy. I just want to make sure that this is not one of thoseparty boats. Im looking for some rest and relaxation. Is thisthat kind of trip?" By asking your question this way, you will know the in-tentions of your travel agent and the answer to your ques-tion. If she answers yes, than you know that the cruise isnot for you or she is lying to get your business. Either wayyou are not going to book this cruise through her. Only bytelling you what she thinks you dont want to hear will sheestablish herself as honest, and youll have confirmed thatthis is the cruise you want to go on. Scenario BYou asked your waiter for decaffeinated coffee and fiveminutes later the busboy comes by with a filled cup of coffee. Sample question formation: "This is regular coffee,right?" If he confirms that it is, either he doesnt careenough to know for sure or it really is regular. Again, eitherway, you now know that you may not be getting whatyou asked for. However, should he tell you that it is decaf-feinated—something he thinks you dont want—then youcan be pretty sure that youre getting what you originallyasked for. 9 I Dont Know and I Dont CareFew things are more frustrating than dealing with someonewho just doesnt give a damn. Why? Because you dont havea whole lot to work with. Youve got zero leverage. Hes gotnothing at risk, so youve got little bargaining power. Hereshow to get some. You simply have to change the equationso hes got something at stake. This technique is the ultimateapathy buster.
    • Scenario AYou take your car to the mechanic and he tells you it willbe fixed by Friday. But you just know that somethingsgoing to come up and it will be sitting in his garageall weekend. Sample question formation: "Okay, Joe. Tomorrowsfine. Just so you know, my wife is pregnant and shes dueany day. Thats our only car, so if you can think of anyreason why it may not be ready by Friday, youve got to letme know now." Scenario BYou ask the waiter if there is MSG, an additive that somepeople are allergic to, in the salad and he tells you thereisnt. He doesnt seems terribly convincing and you justwant to make sure. Sample question formation: "Okay, Albert, thats great.Just so you know Im deathly allergic to MSG. One forkfuland its off to the hospital I go." After hearing this, do youthink Albert may want to double-check with the chef? Notice that the equation changes in these two scenarios.Initially neither the mechanic nor the waiter is terribly con-cerned about your schedule or what youre eating. However,their apathy quickly gives way to concern because nowtheyre dealing with more than just an inconvenience. Sim-ply change the stakes and the leverage is yours. 10 I Just HeardMost people who lie usually confide in at least one otherperson. Getting the truth from this person can be done eas-ily, if its done right. Its important to let this person believethat you already know the truth and then add your emo-tional reaction to it. Adding an emotion makes you appeargenuine because the fact that you know the truth isovershadowed by your reaction to it. Simply use an emotionthat best fits the situation, such as sympathy, surprise, fear,joy, concern, humour, and so on. Lets take a look at a couple of general statements thatwould be said to the person whom you believe knows thetruth:
    • 1. Sympathy: "I cant believe what Sam did. I am truly very, very sorry. If theres anything I can do for you or what ever, please just let me know, okay?"2. Concern: "I just found out; how dare they do that to Kim? Ive got a good mind to go down there myself and give them hell. How are you holding up through all this?"3. Humour: "Mary, is Joe a magnet for odd things or what? He just told me and I still cant believe it." Make sure you act as if your suspicion is true and let thisperson assume that you already have knowledge of it. Thenoffer the appropriate emotional response and you have max-imum credibility. DIRECTING THE CONVERSATIONYou can steer a conversation in any direction that youchoose. Take this example. Lets say that while you are ata friends house, she shows you her brand-new dining roomtable. If you want to know if it was really expensive, wouldasking directly be your best bet? Usually not, because shemay get a little defensive. But if you said to your friendthat its the most gorgeous table you have ever seen, whatmight she respond with? You guessed it—how expensiveit was! If you said, "This looks like it cost a fortune. Howcould you spend so much on a table?" what responsemight you get? She would tell you about its quality andthe craftsmanship that went into it. When you say itsexpensive, shell talk about the quality. If you say that itlooks beautiful, shell tell you about the cost. By asking theright questions you can steer the conversation in anydirection you want and elicit the information that youneed. You can also control the mode of the response as well.Have you ever noticed the ritual that takes place when youpass someone in the hall or on the elevator? You smile, shesmiles. You smile and nod, she smiles and nods. You give ahello, and then she will usually speak as well.
    • The one who responds to the situation first is the onewho controls the mode of the exchange. The same goes for the pace of a conversation. Try thison your own. Ask someone an open-ended question—aquestion that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no—slowly and deliberately. Watch how the other person takeshis time to respond. Then ask a question speaking quickly,and the answer is sure to be paced at a similar rate.In order to best detect deceit you may want to guide theconversation in a particular direction. You can do thisvery efficiently with just a few well-chosen words. After hemakes a statement, you can use the following key wordsto direct the flow of information in any way that youchoose. They can be used to extract information from anyconversation. 1. Meaning . . . Saying this word after he speaks directs his thinking and the conversation toward the larger pic- ture, giving you a better look at his overall position. He will offer the reason for the position hes taken. Example I "Im the highest-paid person at this institution." "Meaning?" "That Im the only one with the experience and edu- cation to do this job. Ive worked my way up the ladder over a fifteen-year period." Example II "Im in charge of the entire operation." "Meaning?" "That the boss put me in charge when he left. If youve got any problems, youll have to deal with me." 2. And . . . This one-word response gives you more lateral information. Youll be able to gather additional facts related to his position.
    • Example I "Im sorry, but thats the best we can do." "And . . ." "The offer is as it stands. Weve looked at the pricing schedule and delivery options three times." Example II "Im in charge of the entire operation." "And . . ." "That means everything—inventory, scheduling, andemployee relations."3. So . . . This response makes him get more specific,giving you the details of his position. Example I "I offer the best level of medical care you can get." "So . . ." "If you came to me, Id give you a full blood workup andx-rays as just part of the standard check-up." Example II "Our company guarantees you job security." "So . . ." "If you ever had to take a leave of absence, your job wouldbe here for you."4. Now . . . This response makes him translate his positioninto a specific action. He will proceed to tell youexactly what he means and how it applies to you. Example I "Our policy is to stand behind our shareholders." "Now . . . " "You can either follow us or go out on your own. Its up toyou." Example II "We offer the best guarantee in the business." "Now . . ." "You can sign here, and well get the paperwork going." GETTING SPECIFICSometimes youll get an answer, but it doesnt do you muchgood. Here are some great ways for narrowing a vague re-sponse to give you a more direct, truthful answer. The twomain areas regard thoughts and actions. The following re-sponses show how to draw out a specific answer.
    • I. In Response to an Opinion or Belief Example I I dont think the meeting went very well. " "How come?" (broad response) "I just dont, all right?!" Some responses will produce a more productive response: "Compared with what?" "How poorly did it go?" If you ask for clarification, the person feels more obli-gated to respond. Asking a broad question in response to ageneral statement just produces more of the same. II. In Response to a Reluctance to Commit Example A "I dont know f I could." "What do you mean, you dont know?" (broad response) “I just don’t know, all right?” Example B "I dont know if I could." "Why cant you?" (broad response) "I dont know. I just cant. " Some responses will produce a more productive response: "What, specifically^, prevents you?" "What would have to happen for you to be able to?" "What would change if you did?" Do you see how specific responses narrow the answer?Use this technique whenever you want to clarify a broad orambiguous answer.
    • LET THE TRUTH BE TOLDWhat simple words work better than any others? Thesethree do: Because: Were programmed to accept an explanation asvalid if it follows this word. Lets: This word generates a group atmosphere and ini-tiates the bandwagon effect. Its a positive word that createsaction. Try: This little word is a powerful motivator because itimplies that you will be unsuccessful, so it instils a "whatsthe harm" mentality. We all love to try things. Thefollowing sentence uses all three words in a constructionthat makes absolutely no sense, yet seems like it should. "Lets give it a try because if it doesnt work we can al-ways go back to the way it was. " Clearly you havent introduced any reason for the per-son to take action. Yet it seems to make sense just the same. A person will get defensive only if he feels hes underattack, so why attack? Lets look at the benefits of usingthese words to get to the truth. "Did you take five dollars from petty cash?" "Why did you take five dollars from petty cash?" "Stop taking money from petty cash!" What do all these phrases have in common? Theyre allaccusatory and likely to produce an automatic "I didnt doit" response. If you wanted to know if he took the money,simply say, "The money that we take from petty cash? Letstry to keep it fewer than ten dollars at a time, because itworks out better that way." Do you see how kind this state-ment is? Its easier to get to the truth because no one feelslike he has to defend himself. Use these words—because, lets, and try—whenever youwant to gain information without sounding accusatory ordemanding.
    • TAKING CONTROLNow youre fully equipped to get the truth from any situa-tion or conversation. But you cant operate if you cant geta word in edgewise. If youre in a situation where you areunable to speak because the person keeps talking or inter-rupting, the following are some great ways to get the floor.These seventeen zingers will stun them into silence. Usewhichever one(s) you feel are most appropriate for the sit-uation. They play on two susceptible angles of human na-ture—ego and curiosity. 1. "Youre a smart person; let me ask you a question." 2. "Let me get your opinion on something." 3. "May I be the first person in your presence to finish a sentence?" 4. "Dont show your ignorance by interrupting." 5. "Im sorry if the facts conflict with your opinion, but I would like to know . . . " 6. "Maybe you can help me with something." 7. "I know that you would want me to ask you this." 8. "Youre the only person who would know the answer to this." 9. "I hope this news doesnt upset you."10. "Before you say anything else, answer this question."11. "I want to give my full attention to what youre saying, so let me just get this out of the way."12. "I hope this doesnt offend you, but. . . "13. "I dont want you to miss this."14. "This is the last time youll hear this."15. "Do you have a good memory? Great, then you wont forget this."16. "Im sorry if the middle of my sentence ran into the beginning of yours."17. "Along those lines . . ." Its easy to change the conver- sation when you begin with the other persons last thoughts.
    • PART 4 MIND GAMESI am different from Washington, I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not tell a lie. I can lie, but I wont." —M ARK T WAIN
    • This section gives you two very powerful tools. Thefirst shows you how to avoid being lied to in the firstplace. In the second, you will learn how to find out apersons true intention in any situation. A STRONG DEFENCE: AVOIDING THE LIEAs the saying goes, the best defence is a goodoffence. Once youve been lied to, you can easily getto the truth with the techniques that youve learned.However, the best time to deal with a lie is before itturns into one. Confused? This may help. Thefollowing is a technique for cutting a suspicion off atthe pass before it turns into deception. Method 1This is the method you use when you want the truth asit relates to a persons previous behaviour. Here is apossible scenario: a parent suspects that her twelve-year-old son is smoking cigarettes. The followingapproaches are listed in order from worst to best. a. "Have you been smoking cigarettes? Im gonnakill you if I find out you have." This approach is awful,but unfortunately it is the most common. In her anger,the boysmother links confessing to the truth with punishment.This destroys any incentive to confess. She is likely tobe lied to. b. "Youve been smoking, havent you?" Thisapproachis a little better because the mother indicates that shehassome type of proof or evidence. Such an approach willworksometimes. The child may not want to add lying to hisalready reprehensible act of smoking. c. "I want to speak to you about your smoking."This iswhat I call a forward assumptive approach. The childfeelsthat the parent already knows he is smoking. Thefocus ofthe request is on discussing it. The parent may get aresponse such as "I dont want to talk about it."
    • However,the truth is revealed in that statement. d. "I know all about the smoking and thesneakingaround. You know Im not happy about that, but I justwantyou to promise me that you wont drink alcohol untilyouretwenty-one." This is by far the finest approach because it workson so many levels. First, it takes a forward assumptivestance— the parent "knows all about the smoking."Second, it uses two truisms (see part 5). The phrases"sneaking around" and "you know Im not happyabout that" set the tone for honesty. The child hearstwo things that he knows to be true: He was sneakingaround and his mother is unhappy about his smoking.He is therefore willing to accept at face value whatfollows. Third, the mother gives her son an easy out.All he has to do is promise not to drink and hes homefree. Theres no threat or punishment, just honeststatements followed by a deal that he believes to betrue as well. The guidelines to keep in mind for this procedure are asfollows:1. Assume your suspicion as fact.2. State at least two truisms (facts that you both know to be true).3. Switch the focus from a threat to a request.4. The request should be easy for him to accept and sound reasonable. Method 2This method is used when you want the truth as itrelates to a new decision. It is a simple but highlyeffective strategy to avoid being deceived. Oftentimessomeone wants to tell us the truth, but its easier to tella lie instead. The person knows the answer you wantto hear and will give it to you whether he believes it ornot. However, if he doesnt know what you want, thenhe wont be able to deceive you. Read the followingexamples and notice how well the second phrasingmasks your true question.
    • • "Were restructuring some positions. How would you like to work directly under me in finance?" Or "Were moving some people around. Would you prefer to get more experience in finance or marketing?"• "Would you like me to cook for you tonight?" Or "Do you feel like eating in or out tonight?"• "Im thinking of asking Rhonda out. What do you think of her?" Or "What do you think of Rhonda?"To use this technique, just make sure that when youphrase the question you mask your preference, and therespondent will give you an honest answer.
    • KNOW T H Y E N E M Y : K N O W I N G T H E L I A R AND HIS INTENTIONSThe following example illustrates a process that isbecoming very popular in employee screening tests. Thequestions below are asked the prospective employee todetermine if he is an honest person. If you reallywanted the job, how would you answer these questions? Have you ever stolen anything in your life? Have you ever run a red light? Do you have a friend who has ever shoplifted? Have you ever had thoughts of killing someone? Many of us would have to answer yes to most of thesequestions. And that is precisely the answer aprospective employer is looking for. Why? Becausethe honest answer is yes for most of us—saintsexcluded. The employers task is finding those who arehonest about it. Stealing a pack of gum when you weretwelve years old doesnt make you a bad person or anundesirable employee. The goal of this procedure is not to determine what theperson is guilty of, but rather if he or she is honestabout it. At least then you can deal with the situationwith trust. Lets say that Marthas teenage son, who hasbeen away from home and living on the streets for thepast two years, wants to come home. Knowing that herson is addicted to cocaine, she is worried aboutwhether he can actually clean up his act. She could tellhim that he can move back in only if he enrolls in adrug rehabilitation program. He will probably agree tothis, whether he plans to do it or not. If hes sincere hellsay yes, and if hes lying he will also agree to her terms.This does not give Martha a true indication of hersons intentions. But Martha has read this book andinstead tells her son that he can move back in if hequits cold turkey— never doing another drugwhatsoever. Her sons answer will reveal hiscommitment to getting well, which is the real concern.Obviously her son can hardly get rid of his addictioninstantly. So if he indicates that he can, she knows thathes lying about his intention to get well. However, ifhe says that he cant but will make strides toward
    • getting better, she will know that he is sincere in hispursuit of wellness.
    • Quick Tip: People generally need a reason to lie. If theres noreason— no motivation—then youll likely get the truth.Therefore, you want to ask for the truth before he has a reason to lieto you. Your greatest leverage always comes from knowing what kindof person youre dealing with. The time to ask the salesman about thequality of the product is not after you tell him that youre interestedin buying it. Why? Because he may feel that its in his best interestto lie to you. However, had you asked him this—casually, ofcourse—before you expressed an interest, theres no real incentivefor him not to tell the truth. When you seek to gauge a persons honesty andcommitment, propose a solution that you know is toodifficult. If he acknowledges the difficulty of yoursolution, he is earnest in his desire to reach the specificobjective or outcome. If he readily agrees to it, he hasulterior motives and is not being truthful.
    • P A R T 5 ADVANCED TECHNIQUESFOR GETTING THE TRUTH "Enough white lies add up to manipulation." —D AVID J. L IEBERMAN
    • This section offers the most advanced techniques for gettingat the truth. Using a blend of hypnosis and a system Ideveloped called Trance-Scripts, youll be able to givecommands directly to a persons unconscious mind—inconversation and without their awareness. Through thisprocess you will be able to persuade others to tell the truthwith maximum effectiveness. These techniques are extraor-dinary, so use them with judgment and caution! EMBEDDED COMMANDSThis technique is used to implant suggestions directly intothe unconscious. Embedded commands are just that—com-mands embedded in a sentence. These can be used in conjunction with both the attacksequences and the silver bullets. To illustrate, the embeddedcommands are italicized in the sentence below. If you want to tell the truth or not tell the truth, thatsentirely up to you. This sentence is received by the conscious mind in itsentirety. The command—-tell the truth—goes directly tothe unconscious. This technique is very simple and hasonly two criteria. First, for maximum effectiveness the com-mand should start with an action verb, because youre tell-ing the mind to do something. Second, the entire commandshould be separated from the rest of the sentence using whatis called an analogue marker. You set the commandportion off by one of the following: (1) Lower or raise thevolume of your voice slightly while speaking the command.(2) Insert a short pause right before and then right afterthe command. For instance, "Sometimes we just . . .become fascinated . . . with what were reading." (3)Gesturing with your hand while you are giving thecommand momentarily distracts the conscious mind, andthe embedded statement is received by the unconsciousmind as a command. You dont want a flagrant gesture ortoo long a pause. This will only confuse the person andmake him question what youre doing. The objective is tobe casual and relaxed. The following is a generic example of how these wouldbe used. The embedded commands are in italics. I dont want you to tell me unless you want to. Now if youthink to yourself on the inside / want to tell you., then just sayit. When you realize this is the right decision youll tell methe truth anyway. So we might as well clear the air now.
    • 4-3-2-1This technique is phenomenal. It works because when thebrain receives several messages that it registers as truthful,then it expects what follows—the suggestion—to be truth-ful. As long as the suggestion is not blatantly false, the brainwill accept it as true. The process is simple. You make four truthful statementsfollowed by one suggestion, then three truthful statementsfollowed by two suggestions, then two truthful statementfollowed by three suggestions, and finally, one truthfulstatement followed by four suggestions. The truthfulstatements can be about anything—the room youre in,the weather, anything that the brain cant argue with. Thesuggestions should be about what you want him or her to do.By integrating externally verifiable statements with aspecific suggestion, youre leading your subject to acceptyour suggestion. ScenarioA police detective is seeking a confession from a suspect.The underscored phrases are the truthful statements and theitalicized words are the suggestions. You can also combinethis technique with embedded commands, which are set offin parentheses. As youre sitting in the chair, wondering what you shoulddo, youre probably weighing your options. You want to dowhats best for you and that would be to {tell me what hap-pened). We know about your past arrest for robbery. And thatyou got off with probation. I know that youre probablyscared and / want you to (know Im on your side) and Iwant you to (see the benefits of telling the truth). Look, you want to get out of here. And you know that Idont have the time to sit with you all day. Getting this offyour chest may make you feel better. You II be saving your-self a lot of heartache and you II be able to (get on with yourlife when this thing is over). I know youve been around the street most of your life.This is your chance for afresh start. (Think about the pos-sibilities) for yourself if you were to (go straight). Youll beable to (get a respectable job) and (take better care of yourfamily).
    • UNCONSCIOUS CREATIONSThis technique uses embedded commands in an entirelynew way. You will be able to give a suggestion thatcreates a perceivable action so you can observe the signs ofdeceit without continuing to question him. Watch for thebehaviours that you embed in the sentences. They willusually occur at some point during your conversation. Examples"Im not saying that you should stiffen up your body ifyoure lying." "I dont know if youre lying. Unless you feel like blinkingyour eyes fast if you are." "If you . . . like what youre reading . . . you may . .. smile . . . now.7" With this technique, youre embedding a command thatyou can readily observe. Offer as many as you want. Justbe sure to follow the same procedure as with theembedded commands. DISASSOCIATIONThis process helps the person become more comfortablewith telling the truth. It works by dividing him into twoseparate people. No, not with a chain saw! Youre actuallydividing the psyche—setting two parts of the person againsteach other. Its the old person who would lie versus the new personwho would never hurt you. This process greatly alleviatesthe persons guilt because he no longer feels obligated tojustify the actions that his "old self" was responsible for.The process of disassociation is used with great success totreat phobias. In your conversation, continue to repeat phrases like theones below. Make sure that they contrast the old him andthe new him.
    • "Perhaps the old you was capable of this. But I know you would never do that now. " "Youre a different person than you used to be. Im sure that you re even more upset with the old you than I am. But youre not that person anymore." "Youre only responsible for who you are today. You are someone who is honest and trustworthy. " These simple phrases begin to wear down his defences.Sometimes they will work right away; other times it maytake a little while. But if he keeps hearing such phrases overand over again he will break, and you will get the truth. EYE-ACCESSING CUESThis technique works on the following principle. Whena person thinks, he accesses different parts of his braindepending upon the information that is being accessed. Thisprocess can be observed by watching his eyes. For right-handed people visual memories are accessed bythe eyes going up and to the left. For a left-handed person,its the reverse: the eyes go up and to the right. When aright-handed person seeks to create an image or fact, hiseyes go up and to the right. And the reverse is true for theleft-handed person. Why dont you try this? Do you recall what colour yourfirst car was? If you had to think about it, theres a goodchance that if youre right-handed, your eyes went up andto the left. Your eyes went up and to the right if youre left-handed. When a certain government official testified before Con-gress, his eyes went up and to the left each and every timehe was recalling information—clearly a sign that he wasrelaying the facts as he remembered them, not fabricatingany stories. I thought this until I happened to see a pictureof him in Time magazine, holding a pen in his left hand. You can use this technique in any conversation to deter-mine if the person is creating or recalling information. Sim-ply watch his eyes and youll know whether hes recallingan event thats already occurred or making up a story aboutsomething that has never happened.
    • ANCHORING THE TRUTHDo you recall Pavlovs famous dogs? Duringhis experiments, he would put food powderin a dogs mouth and measure the drops ofsaliva produced as a result by way of a tubesurgically inserted into the dogs mouth. Butduring the course of his work, Pavlov noticedthat the dogs began to salivate when hemerely walked into the room. This salivationcould not be a reflex since it did not occur thefirst few times Pavlov walked in; it occurredonly when the dog had learned that Pavlovsappearance signalled food. That is, Pavlovsappearance become associated with a futureevent: food. He called this a psychic reflex or aconditioned reflex. It has come to be called,through mistranslation, a conditionedresponse. We can see examples of conditionedreflexes in our own lives. Perhaps the smell ofvodka makes you sick because you had a badexperience with it several years ago. Or acertain song comes on the radio and you recalla friend you havent thought about in years.These are all anchors. An anchor is anassociation between a specific set of feelingsor an emotional state and some uniquestimulus—an image, sound, name, taste. Were going to use the same principle butemploy it in an entirely new way. In pokertheres something called a tell. Thats whenanother player makes an unconscious gestureduring a specific situation. Whenever hesnervous, for example, he may blink, lookdown, or move in a certain way.Professional card players learn to pick up onthese tells, providing them with an insightinto the persons hand. What youre going to do is to install a truthtell in others so youll know when theyrelying in any instance—now or in the future. Heres how its done. Ask a series ofquestions that the person can answertruthfully and easily. When he answers,anchor it with a specific movement. Thenwhen you ask a question you dont know theanswer to, fire off your truth anchor as you
    • ask the question. Hell unconsciously feelcompelled to be truthful just as Pavlovs dogsknew it was time to eat when Pavlov enteredthe room. You dont want to be obvious in yourchoice of anchors or in your choice ofquestions. Make sure the questions you askwill be answered truthfully. And the anchorshould not be so common that it will becomediluted by inadvertent use. The questionsdont have to be asked all at Once, and thereis no set number of questions you need toanchor.
    • For example, while your husband is eatinghis favourite food, you might ask, "Are youenjoying your dinner?" Fire off the anchor asyou ask the question; you might tilt your headslightly to one side or touch your hand toyour nose. Then ask a series of questions—maybe four or five—while continuing to fireoff the same anchor every time you ask yourquestion. Every so often reinforce the anchorby doing this process—a question/anchorsequence. The learned response will soon beso ingrained that any time you want the truthin response to a question, just ask yourquestion and fire the anchor. HEAVEN AND HELLThis technique should be used as a last resort.It is with high hope and expectation that thisand all of the other processes be practicedwith judgment, common sense, and decency. Hypnosis can be used to treat phobias,anxiety disorders, and panic attacks. Thistechnique reverses the process to instil aphobia in which dishonesty createsoverwhelming anxiety. If pain is linked todeceit and pleasure to the truth, confessingbecomes the only way to reduce the pain. We use a process similar to anchoring thetruth, except whenever something painful ornegative happens to this person—he bangshis foot, he gets into argument with aneighbour—you anchor it. Whenever he feelsdisappointed or becomes upset, anchor it.Then ask your question and if its not theresponse you want—if you feel hes lying—fire off the pain anchor. Hell quickly associatelying to you with pain. The only way toalleviate this pain will be to tell the truth. Tofurther increase the association, contrast it byusing a different anchor linked to pleasantexperiences—sexual arousal, eating, relaxing,etc. THE B R I D G E
    • In part 2 we touched briefly on theimportance of rapport. When we are insynch with another person our communi-cation flows effortlessly. When we consciouslyseek to get in rapport with someone—to alignourselves psychologically— we alignourselves physically. Examples of this arematching a persons gestures, posture, or rateof speech. This is called pacing. Once youvedone this, you switch to whats called leading.This can be extremely effective when done inthe following way: After establishing rapport with the otherperson, you feed him everything that he maybe thinking about the conversation. Thesestatements accurately reflect his thinking.This aligns you psychologically. Then youlead his thinking by explaining why the truthis the best route for him to take. And if thisprocess is done right, he will follow. Example"I know that you think youre not ready to tellme the truth. Im sure that you wish this entireconversation wasnt taking place right now,and that it could just be over with. Im surethat you think Im going to be upset with youand that were going to get into a fight over it.You may be thinking that theres no reason totell me. Maybe Im making a bigger deal outof it than it really warrants. I understand. Weall make mistakes, and this is one that youwish would just go away. Im sure I wouldfeel exactly as you do if I were in yourposition. But since Im not, / can only tell youwhat it feels like to be in mine. [This phrasebegins the lead.] "Its all okay. It really is. Lets have an honest discussion. You tell me exactly what happened and youll know that its the right thing to do. Id be happy, and I know you willtoo, to be able to put this behind us. That wecan move on. Lets do that because it makessense for both of us."
    • ADVANCED CONVERSATION STOPPERS: TRANCE PHRASESThese conversation stoppers use phrasesthat are mild trance inducers. In other words,they cause the listener to zone outtemporarily while his brain tries to process theinformation. Use them when you need to gaincontrol of the conversation or to regroup.They give you some time to collect yourthoughts while others lose their train ofthought. You may have to read them severaltimes yourself because of the "huh" effect. 1. "Why are you asking me what you dont know for sure?" 2. "Do you really believe what you thought you knew?" 3. "Could you give me . . . an example . . . would be helpful." 4. "You can pretend anything and master it." 5. "I understand what youre . . . saying . . . it doesnt make it true." 6. "If you expected me to believe that, you wouldnt have said it." 7. "Your question is what you knew it would be, isnt it?" 8. "Your response says what youre unaware of." 9. "Do you believe that you knew what youthought?"10. "How do you stop a thought once youget it?"11. "Why would you believe somethingthats not true?"12. "Why axe you agreeing with what youalready know?"13. "What happens when you get athought?"14. "The less you try the more youll agree..."15. "Are you unaware of what you forgot?"
    • SEE FOR YOURSELFThe power of expectation and suggestion canbe used with tremendous results. While youcould be relentless in your pursuit to get thetruth from someone, his mind may be readyto defend the assault. But when his own mindturns against itself, he will do the work foryou. Have you ever noticed what happens whenyou buy a new car? Suddenly it seems likeeveryone on the road is driving that same car.Or if youre on a diet, everywhere you turnis a bakery or ice-cream store. Reality has notchanged, only your perception of it has. Whenyou cant change someones reality to get tothe truth, alter how he sees it instead. Thiscan be just as effective. If you were to tell a neighbour that therehas been a rash of break-ins in theneighbourhood, over the next few days shellnotice the garbage cans seem out of order; themailbox looks "funny"; the car across thestreet looks suspicious. At night, shell hearevery creek and noise in the house. Maybeshes heard them a thousand times before,but now shes listening to them. Now theymay mean something. The key to using this technique is to implant an artificialsuggestion and let it manifest inside thepersons mind. This technique gets the personto rethink her behaviour with or without yourconfronting her directly. Please note that thistechnique may induce a temporary state ofmild paranoia, especially if two or morepeople make the same suggestion.
    • ScenarioYou think that a co-worker has been stealingoffice supplies. Sample question formation I: "Samantha,have you noticed that people seem to belooking at you a little funny?" You can besure Samantha will "see" everyone looking ather, and it will consume her attention untilshe stops. Sample question formation II:"Samantha, I think the whole office knowsabout the office supplies—have you evernoticed how they stare at you sometimes?"This formation is more direct andconfrontational. Youll notice that if Samantha is in factstealing office supplies, she will soon believethat everyone is "on to her" because she willsee everyone staring at her.
    • P A R T 6 P S Y C H O L O G Y ON Y O U R SIDEMen stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing has happened." —W INSTON C HURCHILL
    • In order to get to the truth you need to know howto take control of a situation, command authority,and above all, predict someone elses response.These ten commandments of human behaviour willhelp you to navigate the sometimes turbulentwaters of conversation and her twin sister, debate.By understanding how the brain processesinformation, you will be able to easily influenceanyone to tell the truth. TEN COMMANDMENTS OF HUMAN BEHAVIOUR 1. Ninety percent of the decisions we make arebased on emotion. We then use logic to justify ouractions. If you appeal to someone on a strictlylogical basis, you will have little chance ofpersuading him. If youre not getting the truth,phrases such as "Honesty is the best policy " or"Lies just hurt everyone" wont sway anybody. Youneed to translate logic and sensible thinking into anemotion-based statement—and give directbenefits for that person to come clean. For instance, a mother speaking to her childmight try, "When you lie, it hurts me. I want to beable to trust you. Trusting you means that youllhave more responsibility— youll be able to domore fun things like have sleepovers and go to thepetting zoo with your friends." You should offer specific benefits that appeal to the per-sons emotions. The attack sequences and silverbullets are all emotionally charged. 2. How we deal with good and bad newsdepends on howit is internalized. When a person becomesunusually depressed about an event in her life, its often becauseof threemental distortions: (1) she feels that the situationis permanent; (2) she feels that it is critical,meaning that itsmore significant than it really is; and (3) thatit is all-consuming, that it will invade and pervade otherareas of
    • her life. When any or all of these beliefs arepresent andelevated, it will dramatically increase her anxietyand despondency. Conversely, when we think of a problem astemporary, isolated, and insignificant, it doesntconcern us at all. By artificially inflating ordeflating these factors in the mind of another, youcan instantly alter their attitude toward anysituation, be it positive or negative.
    • 3. When a person becomes adamant abouthis position,change the one thing that you can—hisphysiology. A persons emotional state is directly related to hisphysical state.If he gets locked into a position of denial or refusal,get himto move his body. This prevents what is calledmind-lockand makes it easier for him to change hispsychological position. If hes sitting down, havehim get up and walk aroundthe room. If hes standing, try to get him to sitdown. Whenour body is in a fixed position, our mind canbecome similarly frozen. 4. Dont ask someone to change his mindwithout givinghim additional information. Remember thatwhile youretalking to the person he listens with his ego—andyou mustaccommodate it. Many people see changing theirmind as asign of weakness. Hes given up and youve won. So instead of asking him to change hismind, allow him to make a new decision basedon additional information. Politicians have apenchant for this because they never want toappear wishy-washy. They rarely say that theyvechanged their mind on an issue—rather, they saytheir "position has evolved," as it were. For example, you might say, "I can see why yousaid that then, but in light of the fact that [a newbit of information to justify him changing hismind], I think you owe me an explanation." However, the way in which this newinformation is introduced is crucial. The morerecent the information is, or appears to be, themore effective you will be. If you bring up a factthat occurred some time ago, a fact that he wassimply unaware of, he may not want to look foolishfor not having known about it. Therefore the moretimely the information, the more comfortable hewill feel in re-evaluating his thinking. 5. Sometimes you need to amplify the problemin order
    • to reach a solution. Some time ago I was over at afriendshouse when his six-year-old announced that hewas angrybecause he couldnt have ice cream for breakfast.With myfriends consent, I said the following to his son:"Youreright, Stuart, you are too upset to do anything butbe angry. Youll probably need to sit there for twowhole hours until it passes." Needless to say,Stuart got over his anger fast.
    • A friend of mine had a secretary who wasconstantly straightening up his office. He wouldask her not to, but she insisted that it should bekept clean and organized. She had been with himfor over fifteen years and he wasnt about todismiss her over this. Nonetheless, this habitbecame very annoying. The solution? He went outof his way to make a mess. Every morning theoffice looked like a disaster area. Finally hissecretary mentioned that she thought he was takingadvantage of her good nature by being such a slob.She stopped tidying up soon afterward. When arguing becomes futile, stop. Go theother direction, reversing your position entirely.Give the other person an exaggerated version ofwhat he wants. This will often cause him to retreatto more neutral ground. 6. People do what you expect them to do. If yousay something ten times, you clearly dont expectthem to listen to you. Notice the way people inauthority—police, for example—take control of asituation. They dont scream, yell, or carry on. Awave of their hand, and the traffic stops. They saythings once, and directly. If youre taken to the hospital with a broken leg,the doctor tells you what needs to be done. Youarent given options. Theres no deliberation orargument, and youre not asked for your opinion.If youre told that you need x-rays and a cast, thenyou get x-rays and a cast. Could you imagine ifyour doctor said, "You know, I think your leg isbroken. What do you think?" You expect him totell you what the situation is and what needs to bedone. Do the same in conversation. When you give anorder, expect people to follow it and they will.When you shout, you send the message "Imshouting so youll listen to me." The best way toget a persons attention is to speak softly anddirectly. Not only will people often do what you expectthem to do, but they often feel how you suggestthey should feel. Take a look at three distinctexamples of this influence at work in oureveryday life.A. When a small child falls, if his parent makes a big deal
    • out of it, he will likely cry and become more upset. The childs thoughts are, "Mom knows best, and if she thinks I hurt myself I must have."B. The well-known placebo effect can induce physiological changes such as lowering blood pressure or controlling cholesterol levels. With no more than a sugar pill, a patients body may react as if it were given the actual medication.C. Someone says you look tired and your whole disposition changes. Try this on a co-worker and youll notice a complete change of body language. If you want to be nice, try the converse and tell someone she looks great. Watch a smile appear and her eyes widen. While she may deny the compliment, watch her face to she how she really feels about it. 7. When we ask a favour of someone, commonsense dictates that we might want that person to bein a good mood.The thinking is, if hes relaxed and feeling goodhes more likely to give us what we ask for. This isusually true, but it doesnt always work when youask for the truth. When you want someone tocome clean with the facts, youre asking for morethan a favour. You have to assume that it-—thetruth—is something that he doesnt want to give.Thus the more comfortable things are, the less hisincentive is. The best time to seek your confessionis when hes tired, hungry, thirsty, whatever. Hewont be thinking clearly and will be looking toend the conversation as soon as possible. Ofcourse hes going to be more agitated and grumpy.Nonetheless, if the only way he can become morecomfortable is to tell you what you want, then hewill. 8. You must be able to walk away. If youropponent senses desperation, youre sunk. Youreonly as strong as your alternatives, and the moreattractive your alternatives, the more power you
    • have. When youre desperate, the facts look grosslyout of proportion. When this happens, youll be aptto do what you never should do: make a decisionout of fear. When your options are limited, yourperspective is distorted; your thinking isemotional, not logical. This is true for all of us. Ifyou perceive your power to be nonexistent you arelikely to give in without good cause. By increasingyour alternatives and narrowing the other personsoptions, you gain considerable leverage. Theequation that determines the balance of leverage issimple. It comes down to who needs who more.Theres a saying that the person who cares less,wins. One way to increase your power is todemonstrate that what your opponent has tooffer—in thiscase, the truth—can be obtained through othermeans—in this case, other people. This decreaseshis power, and hence his leverage.
    • 9. Its important to know how human beingsprocessinformation.When it comes to doing what we like, we dowhats called single-tasking. When we thinkabout thingswe dont want to do, we do whats calledmultitasking. Whatdoes this all mean? Well, if you have to pay yourbills butnever feel like doing it, whats the thoughtprocess youmight go through? You think, Ive got to get all ofthe billstogether and organize them into different piles;get out mychekbook, stamps, and envelopes; address eachletter;write out the check; balance the checkbook;and so on.When it comes to doing something you enjoydoing, youinternalize the steps in larger groups. Forexample, if youenjoy cooking, the steps might be, go the storeand comehome and make dinner. If you hated to cook,everythingfrom waiting on line at the supermarket tocleaning thedishes afterwards would enter into the equation. Fine, but whats the practical use of this? Well,if you want to give someone a motive to dosomething, youre going to show him that itssimple and easy. If you want to discourage abehaviour, you need only stretch out the number ofsteps into a long, boring, and arduous process.Same event, but depending upon how itsinternalized, youll generate a completely differentfeeling toward it. 10. Every action human beings take ismotivated eitherout of a need to avoid pain or the desire to gainpleasure—ora combination of the two. What you link pleasureand pain to determines how a person will respond.
    • If you want to influence a persons behaviour,you need to attach pain to the direction you dontwant him to move in and pleasure to the directionyou want him to move toward. Too often out ofanger or ignorance we lose sight of this powerfulmotivating tool. If someones not being truthfulwith you, do you want to shout, "Youre a no-good liar! I knew youd only cause me misery.Tell me the damn truth and then get the hell out ofmy life!" This is not an effective strategy. Its asimple equation: if the benefit of being truthfuloutweighs the benefit of lying, you will get thetruth. However, a crucial criterion needs to be met.The benefit should provide for an easy out. This issomething that most people dont take intoconsideration. The liar above all else wants tochange the conversation, move on, and put thisbehind him. When you outline the benefits makesure to include, if you can, that the subject willnever again be brought up, it will be forgottenabout, and you both will be able to put this in thepast. You could offer him the greatest incentive forbeing truthful, but if he thinks a lengthy con-versation and constant reminders will follow, hesnot going to budge. The silver bullets are goodexamples of how to phrase your request for thetruth using the pleasure/pain principle.
    • PART 7 INTERNAL TRUTH B L O C K E R S : WE L I EL O U D E S T W H E N WE L I E TO O U R S E L V E S "Once he finds out who he is, what can console him? . . . for on Earth Everyone who lives, lives in a dream." — C ALDER O N DE LA B ARCA
    • You have all the tools necessary to spot deceit andto ferret out the truth. However, several factorscan interfere with and even completely block yourability to detect deceit. The good news is thatbeing aware of these factors neutralizes theirpower and leaves you free to examine the factsas they are. SELF-DECEPTIONThe easiest person to lie to is someone who wantsto be deceived. While several factors can get in theway of our getting to the truth, the worstoffenders are usually ourselves. If you dont wantto see the truth, you often will not. We all have afriend whose boyfriend comes home late every nightfrom work. Hes seen around town with womenhalf his age, smells like perfume, and is constantlytaking business trips on the weekend. Yet despiteall of the evidence she refuses to see the truth.She accepts him at his word, and that is that. When we dont want to see the truth well lie toourselves. These lies are the toughest to spotbecause they are our own. Theres no objectivity togive us perspective. People spend millions calling 900 numbers tohear a recording of their lucky lottery numbers.We would like to believe that we could make athousand dollars an hour inour spare time working at home from thekitchen table. Our desire to believe stronglyinfluences what we see as our reality, from miraclewrinkle creams to guaranteed weight-loss pills.And our desire not to see filters out vital infor-mation that would often give us clues todiscovering the truth. Only the exceptional person is willing to look atwhat he doesnt want to see, listen to what hedoesnt want to hear, and believe that which hewishes would not exist. When you go into a meeting wanting it to workout, youll overlook too many things that maymake it a bad deal. You must try to remain asobjective as possible—^as if you were reviewing theinformation for someone else. Wishful thinking,desire, and hope cannot allow you to lose sightof reality.
    • The secret lies in learning how to suspend yourinterests. And yes, there is an easy way to do thisusually difficult task. Watch out for the three Cs.They are compliments, confirmation, andconfrontation. If youre listening with any of thesepreconceptions in mind, the information is likely tobe distorted.
    • In other words, if youre looking for praise,looking to confirm that which you already know, orlooking for an argument, you will miss the truemeaning behind the message. O P I N I O N S , A T T I T U D E S , AND BELIEFSIn the previous paragraphs, we saw how our desireto see or not to see colours our perception ofreality. What we believe to be true also distorts ourperception. All of our prejudices, beliefs,attitudes, and opinions filter out the truth. If you grew up to respect and revere authorityand were taught never to question an authorityfigure, this belief will greatly inhibit your ability tobe objective about information that comes fromsomeone in such a position. Similarly, if youbelieve that all salesmen are thieves or that allpolice are corrupt, it becomes impossible to seewhat is there. Instead you see a projection of yourown ideals, beliefs, and prejudices. Sometimes we need to generalize about ourworld; with literally thousands of decisions tomake each day, we cant look at everything as ifwe were seeing it for the first time. There aretimes, however, when its vitally important tosuspend your beliefs. Then and only then can yousee things as they are, not how you believe themto be. DONT LET YOUR E M O T I O N S GET T H E B E T T E R OF Y O UStrong emotions cloud our perception of reality.Over two thousand years ago, Aristotle had this tosay about emotion and distortion: "Under theinfluence of strong feeling we are easily deceived.The coward under the influence of fear and thelover under that of love have such illusions that thecoward owing to a trifling resemblance thinks hesees an enemy and the lover his beloved." Emotional states are either self-induced, externally
    • brought on, or arise from a combination of thetwo. Some of the more powerful ones are: guilt,intimidation, appeal to ego, fear, curiosity, ourdesire to be liked, and love. If youre operating inany of these states, your judgment is likely to beimpaired.
    • Furthermore, anyone who uses any of these isattempting to move you from logic to emotion—toa playing field thats not so level. In the processthe truth gets lost because youre not operatinglogically and cant effectively see the evidencebefore you, let alone weigh it. Some genericexamples of how these manipulations sound are asfollows: Guilt: "How can you even say that? Im hurtthat you wouldnt trust me. I just dont know whoyou are anymore." Fear: "You know, you might just lose this entiredeal. I dont think thats going to make your bossvery happy. I sure hope you know what youredoing. Im telling you that you wont get a betterdeal anywhere else. Youre a fool if you thinkotherwise." Appeal to ego: "I can see that youre a smartperson. I wouldnt try to put anything past you.How could I? Youd be on to me in a second." Curiosity: "Look, you only live once. Try it.You can always go back to how things werebefore. It might be fun, exciting—a realadventure." Desire to be liked: "I thought you were a realplayer. So did everybody else. This is going to be areal disappointment if you dont come through forus." Love: "If you loved me you wouldnt questionme. Of course I have only your best interest atheart. I wouldnt lie to you. You know that deepdown inside, dont you?" Look and listen objectively—not only at thewords but at the message. These internal truthblockers interfere with your ability to digest thefacts. When these emotions creep into yourthinking, temporarily suspend your feelings andlook in front of you, not inside yourself.
    • PART 8 EXTERNAL TRUTHB L O C K E R S : T R I C K S OF THE TRADE "The truth is the same from every angle. A lie always needs to be facing forward." —D AVID J. L IEBERMAN
    • Unlike internal truth blockers, which we bring on ourselves,these truth blockers are done to us. These are the psycho-logical secrets of the experts, the tricks of the trade—factorsthat can affect your judgment in objectively evaluating in-formation. No matter what area of life were in, were always sellingsomething. In business youre selling a product or service.In your personal life youre selling yourself and your ideas.Regardless of the situation, the reason you dont succeed isalways going to be the same: the person doesnt believe whatyoure saying is true. Lets say youre a real estate broker. Someone who is notinvesting with you may say "I have to think about it" or "Ihave to talk to my wife." But really it all comes down to onething. If your prospect believed what you were saying wastrue—-that you would make him money—then he would in-vest with you, wouldnt he? Establishing credibility is thekey to influencing the behaviour of others. When credibilitycant be gained through the facts, distortion of the truth iswhat often follows. These techniques can be difficult to escape becausetheyre based on psychological principles of human nature.The good news is that these tactics are a lot like a magictrick. Once you know how the trick is done, you cant befooled. RULE 1 Wow! Youre Just Like MeWe all tend to like, trust, and subsequently be influencedby people like ourselves. We feel a sense of connection andunderstanding. If youve been to a casino recently, you mayhave noticed something interesting on every employeesname tag. It looks a lot like this: Jim Smith V. P., Marketing Atlanta, GA The employees hometown is right on the tag. Why?Because it helps to create a bond with anyone who haslived there or maybe has a relative in that area. It invari-ably starts a conversation and the gambler begins to feelconnected with this person. Something as innocuous as aname tag has created instant rapport and possibly a loyalcustomer.
    • You may be thinking that this seems harmless enough,and youd be right. Whats the big deal, anyway? Well, ifall that was affected by this psychological trait was nametags, then we wouldnt have to worry. But its not. Itsmuch more pervasive and far-reaching than you couldever imagine. Listing all the situations in which this rule could be usedon you would fill a book on its own. Therefore, here are thethree most popular ways that it infiltrates our lives. 1. Watch out when youre asked about your hobbies,hometown, values, favourite foods, etc., only to befollowed with the obligatory "Me too, what acoincidence." 2. Another aspect of this rule is that if someone is niceto us, we not only like him more but are more likely to agreewith him. Dont you know this to be true in your own life?If hes agreeing to everything you say, whether or not itmakes sense, watch out. The phrase "flattery will get younowhere" couldnt be further from the truth. A great little fable by Aesop illustrates this nicely. Itscalled "The Fox and the Crow." A fox spied a crow sitting on a branch of a tall tree witha golden piece of cheese in her beak. The fox, who was bothclever and hungry, quickly thought of a plan to get thecheese away from the crow. Pretending to notice the crow for the first time, the foxexclaimed, "My, what a beautiful bird! I must say that isthe most elegant black plumage I have ever seen. Look howit shines in the sun. Simply magnificent!" The crow was flattered by all this talk about her feathers.She listened to every sugary word that the fox spoke. Thefox continued: "I must say that this is the most beautifulbird in the world. But I wonder, can such a stunning birdhave an equally splendid voice? That," said the cunningfox, "would be too much to ask." The crow, believing thefoxs words, opened her beak to let out an ear-piercing cawAs she did so, the cheese tumbled out of her mouth and wasgobbled up instantly by the fox. The moral: never trust aflatterer.
    • Does this mean that you should be wary of every singlecompliment and always assume the one who complimentsyou has an ulterior motive? Of course not. Just be alert topraise that drips with insincerity. 3. Finally, remember our discussion about rapport inpart 2? Well, it can just as easily be used on you. Rapportcreates trust. It allows the other to build a psychologicalbridge to you. You feel more comfortable and your gulli-bility increases. Take note if your movements, rate ofspeech, or tone are echoed by another. RULE 2 Beware the Stranger Bearing GiftsEver wonder why religious groups offer a flower or someother gift in the airport? They know that most people willfeel compelled to give them a small donation. We know wedont have to, but we can become uncomfortable, eventhough we didnt ask for the gift in the first place. When someone gives us something, we often feel indebtedto him. When you are presented with a request, make surethat youre not acting out of a sense of obligation. This rulecan take many forms—its not limited to gifts. You couldbe offered information, a concession, or even someonestime. Dont think that salespeople dont know that if theyinvest a lot of time with you, showing you a product, dem-onstrating how it works, you will feel somewhat obligatedto buy it, even if youre not sure that you really want it. Thekey is to decide whats right independent of the other per-sons interest in your decision. RULE 3 Its Half Price! But Half of What?This principle states that facts are likely to be interpreteddifferently based upon the order in which theyre presented.In other words, we compare and contrast. In an electronicsstore the salesperson might show you accessories to go withyour stereo system after youve agreed to buy it. Somehowthe fifty-dollar carrying case and a thirty-dollar warrantydoesnt seem that much in the wake of an eight-hundred-dollar system. Because he has shown you the costlier itemsfirst, your perspective shifts and the items seen afterwardsare deemed more reasonable.
    • A less-than-reputable used car salesman might show youseveral cars that are priced 20 to 30 percent higher thanthey should be. Then hell show you a car thats priced fairlyand youll think its a great deal. To you, it feels as if youregetting more car for the money—what a bargain! Whenreally you only think that because youre comparing it tothe other cars. Other examples of this principle are price markdowns.An item thats been reduced from $500 to $200 certainlyseems like a better bargain than something that sells for$150. The contrast on the sale item makes it more attrac-tive, even if its not as nice as the item that sells for less. "Iknow its expensive, but look at what it used to sell for" isthe familiar retort. In some of the finer restaurants, guests are treated tosorbet between courses. This is done to clear the palate.Flavours from previous dishes wont mix with others, sothat each dish may be enjoyed completely. When you have,a decision to make, why not clear your mental palate? Todo this you need only consider each decision by itself. Thiscan best be accomplished by letting time pass between de-cisions and by independently determining the value of theobject. RULE 4 Just Do This One Little Thing for Me?Know when to stick to your guns and when not to. Most ofus have a strong tendency to act in a manner consistent withour previous actions—even if its not a good idea. Its justhuman nature. We are compelled to be consistent in ourwords, thought, beliefs, and actions. It has to do with the ability to make a decision indepen-dent of previous decisions. And the higher a persons self-esteem, the greater the chance that he or she will makeindependent decisions. The following, which is from mybook Instant Analysis, deals with this phenomenon. If youhave a low or negative self-image, then you feel more com-pelled to justify your previous actions so you can be "right."You will eat food that you dont want because you orderedit. You will watch a video that you really dont want to seebecause you went "all the way to the video store in therain to get it." You continually try to "make things right,"justifying old actions with consistent behaviour. In otherwords, watching the video that you went to get makes get-ting the video the smart thing to do, even if you no longerfeel like watching it.
    • Your primary concern is with being right, even if itmeans compromising present judgment in order tosatisfy and justify past behaviours. This is done in thehope that you can turn things around so that you can beright. The ultimate example of this behaviour is the process ofcult recruiting. You may wonder how an intelligent andaware person could ever get involved in a cult—where themembers give up family, friends, possessions, and in somevery sad instances, their lives. The higher a persons self-esteem, the less likely he or she will be to fall prey to acult—primarily because a person with a positive self-imagecan admit to himself, and to others, that hes done some-thing stupid. Those who lack self-worth cannot afford toquestion their judgment, worth, or intelligence. The methodemployed in cult recruitment is to involve the person slowlyover a period of time. Each new step of involvement forcesthe person to justify his or her previous behaviour. This iswhy cultists dont just walk up to someone and say, "Hey,do you want to join our cult and give up all of your posses-sions?" This rule can greatly influence your decision-makingprocess. Essentially, by getting you to agree to small, seem-ingly innocuous requests, the person sets you up forsomething larger. By agreeing to the small requests, youjustify your behaviour by realigning your thinking asfollows: "I must really care about this person or I wouldntbe helping him" and "I must really care about this cause orI wouldnt be doing any of this." To avoid others using this rule on you, beware if you areasked to commit to something, even in a small way. Thisrequest is usually followed by a slightly greater request, andover time your sense of commitment is built up to the pointwhere you feel locked into your decision. When you make decisions, notice if your best interestsare being served or if youre simply trying to "make right"a previous behaviour. RULE 5 The Bandwagon EffectThis principle states that we have a tendency to see an actionas appropriate if other people are doing it. This psycholog-ical trait invades many areas of our life. Laugh tracks fortelevision comedy shows come courtesy of this principleas well.
    • Do we think that something is funnier if others arelaughing? Absolutely. Your neighbour, whom you neverlooked at twice, suddenly appears more attractive whenyoure told that every woman is dying to date him. Cherryred—the colour that the car salesman told you is the hottestseller of the season—suddenly becomes a must-have. Thekey to avoiding the influence of this rule is to separate yourlevel of interest from other peoples desire. Just becauseyoure told that something is the latest, best, hottest, or big-gest seller doesnt make it right for you. RULE 6 A White Lab Coat Doesnt Make Anyone an ExpertOf all the psychological tools, this is by far the most usedand abused by retailers. We all remain to some degree quitesusceptible to our earlier conditioning regarding authority—mainly, it is to be respected. This is fine, except that theabuses of our vulnerability are flagrant and rampant. Haveyou ever noticed what cosmetic salespeople in departmentstores wear? Lab coats! Does this not seem odd? Why dothey wear them? Because it makes them look like experts.And we are more likely to believe what they have to saybecause they are perceived as more credible. Recently my friend had told me that he had rented theabsolute worst movie he had ever seen in his life. When Iasked what possessed him to rent it, he replied, "The guybehind the counter told me I would like it." As soon as hesaid this, he realized how silly he had been. What on earthdoes the guy behind the counter know about my friend orhis taste in movies? Just because someones behind acounter, wearing a lab coat, or holding a clipboard, thatdoesnt make him an expert. RULE 7 Rare Doesnt Always Mean ValuableThis principle states that the harder something is to acquire,the greater the value we place on its attainment. In essence,we want what we cant have and want what is hard to obtaineven more. "Were probably out of stock on that item. Its a hugeseller. But if I did have one available, you would want it,right?" Theres a better chance you would say yes when thepossibility of attainment is at its lowest.
    • Compare the above sentence with the following one andsee if you would be as apt to agree to the purchase: "Wehave a warehouse full of them. Should I write up the ordernow?" The impetus to act just isnt there this time. No ur-gency, no scarcity, and no desire. The key to avoid this rulebeing used on you is to ask yourself this question: would Istill want it if there were a million just like it and no onewanted any of them? RULE 8 A Colour Pie Chart Doesnt Make It TrueBenjamin Disraeli put it best when he said, "There are threekinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics." It never ceasesto amaze me just how easily swayed we become by some-thing that "looks" official. Just because someone points toa colour graph as "proof" doesnt make everything hessaying true. Dont be swayed by the mode of themessage— rather, focus on the message itself. How manyof us listen to a salesmans pitch, only to be presented witha nice colour brochure outlining everything thats justbeen said? At what point did we come to believe that theprinting press doesnt lie? Theres an old saying that goes "Nobody ever sells a horsebecause its a bad horse. They sell it for tax purposes." Oftenwe dont stop and ask ourselves, "Does this make sense?"A dash of common sense can go a long, long way. RULE 9 Im on Your SideThis technique is used to gain credibility. When it is doneeffectively, you would swear that youve just made a newbest friend who has only your best interest at heart. For thisrule, he manufactures a scenario to gain your trust, thenuses this trust in a real-life situation. For example, lets say that youre in a mattress store andconsidering buying the Super Deluxe—a firm, top-of-the-line bed. The salesman tells you that if you want it hellorder it for you, but he feels you should know somethingfirst. He proceeds to tell you that while the consumer wouldnever realize it, this manufacturer sometimes uses recycledmaterials on the inside.
    • What has he accomplished by this? He has gained yourcomplete confidence. Hes risking a sale to tell yousomething that youd never find out otherwise. Now youllbe inclined to trust anything he says. At this point heshows you the Supreme Deluxe. Its priced slightly higherthan your first choice, but has no used materials inside. RULE 10 Look at What Youre Getting, Not What Youre PromisedTo avoid being deceived, evaluate a persons integrity basedupon what is being presented, not what is promised. Henrywas an older man who went store to store selling pocketwatches. To those in the store, salespeople and shoppersalike, he was a peddler. And he retired a millionaire. He didnothing that was illegal per se. How did he become sowealthy selling pocket watches? Mainly because he neversold the watch. What he sold was the story. Henry would walk into the shop and ask if anyone wouldlike to buy a beautiful handcrafted crystal lamp. The costwas only thirty-five dollars, hundreds less than what onewould expect to pay. He made the lamps himself and enjoyed "giving themaway." Since he had only one sample he would need to takeorders. He diligently took down the names and addresses ofeach eager person and refused to accept any sort of deposit."Youll pay when you get it and when youre happy withit," he would say, smiling. Henry had now established him-self as a trusting person and one who had a beautifulproduct at a fantastic price. He has their trust and theirconfidence. Henry also carried a large box with a handle. And invar-iably someone at some point would ask what was in the box.This is when Henry went to work. He opened the box, re-vealing beautiful sterling silver pocket watches individuallywrapped and protected. He told his eager audience justabout anything he wanted to about the watches. They hadno reason to doubt him or their value. After all, look ateverything he had "done" for them so far. Henry would sellthe pocket watches to most of the nice folks who placedorders for his lamp. Nobody ever did get a lamp—just anoverpriced pocket watch, sold to them by a kind old man. Remember Henry the next time you make a decisionbased upon something that has been promised, but not de-livered.
    • RULE II Well, Can You at Least Do This?If youre asked to do a rather large favour for someone onlyto decline his request for help, beware. A smaller favour,the one he really wants you to do, may follow. We aremore likely to agree to a smaller request if were firstpresented with a larger one. There are three psychologicalmotivations at work:1. You feel that in contrast to the first request, the smaller one is no big deal.2. You feel bad for not coining through on his original favour, and this seems like a fair compromise3. You dont want to be perceived as unreasonable. Refusing the large request is one thing. And this small favour is not going to kill you. RULE 12 Ill Show YouNobody wants to be prejudged or negatively evaluated. Thatis to say, people dislike being thought of as lesser, in anyway, shape, or form. Heres how those who understand thisrule can use it against you. You walk into a clothing storeand ask to see a certain designer sweater. The salesmanshows you where it is and adds, "It may be a little priceyfor you, we have some less expensive ones over there." "Illshow that jerk," you think to yourself. "Ill buy this sweaterand prove that I can afford it." You leave mad with anexpensive purchase, head held high, of course. The sales-man? Hes smiling all the way to the bank. This rule useswhat is commonly referred to as reverse psychology. By im-plying what he "thought" you could afford, he forced yourego to prove to him wrong.
    • CONCLUSIONWhether its business or personal matters—from casual conversations to in-depthnegotiations—the techniques that you have learned will significantly change the way you re-late to the rest of the world. Now that youve gained that extra edge, youll enjoy anunprecedented opportunity to use the most important secrets governing human behaviourfor enhancing and advancing your business and personal relationships. There will probably never be a way to stop people from trying to lie to you, but now youllbe ready for them. And with each new encounter, in any situation, you will never be lied toagain.