Relationship communication from a weird perspective


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Relationship communication from a weird perspective

  1. 1. Relationship communication from a weirdperspective ?Relationship communication can be tricky. It is a curious way to start an article but consider this.Relationships involve people. That’s a statement of the obvious I know and sometimes thingsthat are obvious are completely missed.You are a unique human being. The people that you are in relationships with are also humanbeings and also unique. Every one of you has been brought up in a unique environment knownas a family that is composed of other unique individuals. We come into this world in a manner that is somewhat random. By random, I mean we havelittle choice about the human beings who will be guiding us towards becoming adults. We do notknow what beliefs they may have and we do not know if those beliefs and the resulting actions,will be effective in dealing with the world out there. Worse still, we have no idea whatsoeverabout how well what we are being taught will enable us to cope with other human beings. Given the apparent randomness of human up bringing, it is a miracle that we are not rushing topush “the button” every 5 min. So what’s is it that binds us together as a species? What is it thatbrings you together with another person in a relationship? A lot depends on what you focus on. It is rumoured that leaving the top off of the toothpastetube is one of the leading causes of divorce. This is of course complete fabrication. The leadingcause of problems in relationship communication is bad focus. Good communication comes from focusing on the things that work for both of you and for therelationship. By switching your focus from the top on the toothpaste tube, to appreciativeremarks, and by focusing on the good things, your perspective changes. You entered into a relationship with some common goals and some common benefits you wereseeking. Pause and consider them for a moment. When you enter into a relationship with someone, by which I mean a positive and cooperativerelationship, you probably did so because you and the other person had congruent values. Youboth decided that what was important to the other person was also important to you. You sharedbeliefs about what is right and good. Values are the clearing in the middle of forest where wecan all come together and meet.Shared values are that place in a relationship which does nothave any conflict. Values are the safe space where you feel secure about being yourself.Because those shared values create a safe space for you, you can be yourself and you don’thave to prove anything to anyone. Discovering the shared values you have with another humanbeing is one of the quickest way to build trust, rapport and understanding. Without trust, rapportand understanding you will not experience the relationship you really want.To improve your relationships communication, I would recommend what you do is to simply aska question. The question is “What is most important to you?”
  2. 2. You can also ask if the other person has those qualities in their life and if the answer is no, I’mgoing to suggest you offer to help them achieve that. Relationship communication is about creating cooperation. Cooperation can only come fromunderstanding and understanding can only come from appropriate questioning, respect andtrust.Assertive CommunicationMany people confuse assertive communication with being right. They focus on winning insteadof focusing on the result that they really want to achieve. As a result of this people don’t listen towhat is being said. The result of this is that they do not understand what the other person istrying to communicate to them. This is precisely where the whole conversation starts to breakdown.From a very early at each we are taught that it is wrong to cooperate. What do I mean by that?When you go to school you are taught don’t copy Johnny or Susie’s work. You are taught thatsharing resources and ideas is somehow cheating. You are taught that this is bad. I’m notone hundred percent sure what the psychological effect of this mindset is on a young brain but Isuspect it is not good. The reason we look over their shoulder of other people is because wewant to learn.I believe that at a deep level this sets up divisions on an emotional and psychological level. Weare also taught that you have an inherent rights to not share that which is important to you. Thiscomes from beliefs about scarcity and lack. Scarcity and lack set the ground for conflict and theneed for assertiveness comes out of a belief that there is in fact a conflict.Scarcity, lack and conflict are all just the need for assertive communication is just a belief in oursociety. We are taught that children must be trained. We are not taught that children must beguided towards being able to make better decisions.A belief in scarcity and lack lead to resentment and insecurity. People don’t feel good aboutthemselves and they go into fight or flight responses. Both the fight and the flight response aredefensive and at the end of the day what are you defending? On many levels you are merelydefending your ego. Your position. Your view.Why do you want to go through all of the rollercoaster emotions involved in using assertivecommunication? Is there a degree of addiction to being right?
  3. 3. These are radical ideas. My views do not set into those of the establishment. I believe we aretaught from an early age how to not cooperate with one another beyond what is absolutelynecessary to sustain life. I also believe we are taught, subtly how to be in conflict with oneanother.Before you reach for your arsenal of assertive communication skills stop for a moment andconsider this.What is the outcome but I want to get from this conversation, this interaction, this dialogue andhow can I do this most easily? How can I not only get this result for myself but also for the otherperson?By operating from this win-win mindset not only do we both get what we want. Neither of us hasto feel resentment, or plan revenge at the earliest opportunity.Try out this new mindset. By doing so you’ll be amazed at the results that you are going to get.Better Communication Skills? or ANecessary Paradigm ShiftI came across a video on YouTube today.Sounds ordinary enough…?Or is there more to this email ?What’s the…underlying reason that caused me to sit down and write to you today…Well, it’s like this…For a long time I have avoided being political. ( mainly as a result of being well and trulystomped on by the system in the past whenever I was saying stuff they didn’t like.)More details later.( maybe…!)Just so you know, one of my deepest beliefs and values is that we MUST learn to cooperatebetter if we are to survive as a species.Please note the use of the word survive here. And NO this is not just some impassioned plea tosave the whales or any other single species.
  4. 4. This goes much deeper.It’s all about the deep psychological shifts that humankind needs to make to get to the nextlevel.We have a behaviour problem here on planet Earth.And I hate to be the one to tell you but it’s also a choice problem.As a species and as individuals, both you and me chose a behaviour that was damaging to ourhome. Our planet.And for a while we chose to ignore that because we were told that government and thefinancial system has the answers.And we believed them.BUT the truth is…Our current behaviour is not useful for the long term sustainability of life.Human life on planet earth is an option.That’s all it is. An option.You are an evolutionary choice…That’s tough to consider but I believe it’s true nonetheless.You are at a decision point in your life.We all are.Nature doesn’t care for your future here any more than it cared for the future of T Rex.The difference between you and T Rexis that you have a brain that’s capable of creating choice AND you are still here.NOW …at the moment we have systems in place that we use to run or manage ourenvironment.These systems are set up on the basis of competition, in just such a way, that thereis inequality.That inequality results in over 1 billion people living in poverty and starvation.BUT the problem isn’t a lack of food to feed them with…It goes deeper…
  5. 5. It’s all about beliefs and your psychology. The shift from a competition to acooperation mindset.And cooperation goes beyond mere sharing and management of resources.Cooperation is and must become humanity’s belief system. A value system.A way of being for all of humanity, regardless of race, creed, financial status or anyother BS idea you got taught about why other people are different to you.Cooperation needs to be part of our conscious psychology as a species.Think about the times when you are not happy…Aren’t they almost always times when there is a conflict going on.It is your responsibility to take control of your environment which starts with yourinternal environment.Your beliefs about what is possible.Control of your environment includes controlling what you think, feel and do.Despite what you may have been told… you… are the only person who has controlover your beliefs and thoughts.Those who tell you that you have no choice… USUALLY HAVE A VESTED INTEREST inkeeping you right where you are !.(“That’s your place.You better get used to it”. “Hey we were always poor, dumb,downtrodden”. “Your side of the family was/ is radee radee radee”,)All of the above are just BELIEFS.Other peoples beliefs… about what is right for you. And you do not have toaccept their beliefs.I mean it positively flies in the face of what’s written in the Constitution.You have choice about what you will believe. What you can believe.Yeah, I know it may sound difficult . But that’s just another belief.Another idea that YOU have about…taking control of your own thoughts. Taking control of your life and destiny.Taking control of your environmentBut if Tony Robbins can do it then so can you!If I can do it, so can you !
  6. 6. Doesn’t mean you have to be a total master at it straight away.It just means that you’re willing to believe it’s posssible to change what you believe.If you are one of the few who don’t think it’s possible to change what you believe,from whatever you currently hold in your mind to something else, please do notread any further.Instead consider…what causes you to have such a limiting view.Who or what told you to believe that you are powerless over your own mind andwhere THAT belief came from for them.You can always hit the back button / unsubscribe.I will be upset, knowing that yet another human being just gave up on possibility,themself and the whole future of the planet.The rest of us will ask ourselves the question “Is there something more we can doto assist ?”If you truly believe you are incapable of changing that one tiny belief don’t evenbother to get out of bed tomorrow.Why waste energy ?Speaking of which, for those of you who are still here with me. ..What does get youout of bed ?What is the motivator for you that shifts you from that warmth and comfort towhatever you do when you get up.?Once you are aware of that then you have tapped into the most powerful motivationon the planet.So, spend some time really getting in touch with WHY you do what you do.I have considered for some time how do we transition from where we are now towhere we need to be as a species.As part of our ecosystem.We are after all, at a very basic level, just another item in the intricate biologicalsoup that makes up life on this planet.You of course are also infinite possibility in evolutionary motion.You may be curious about what this all has to do with communication.
  7. 7. You can also be curious about How you can create the levels of cooperation neededto achieve survival.Why did I just mentioned survival again?Did you ever consider that perhaps, getting cooperation is the whole reason thatyou communicate in the first place ?I mean why else did we go to all that troube of creating and refining language if notto get better cooperation with others ?We are a social species and social implies cooperation and to do that we have tocommunicate clearly.Think about it ! If you don’t want or need something you don’t speak or wave or doanything else to communicate with others.Even a smile can fulfill the need to comfort or reassure another person (or yourself.)So while you’re thinking about what moves you from your bed every day I’d alsoinvite you to really consider what results you want to get from communicating.Consider also if your communication is getting you the results that you really reallywant. The environment you want. Internally and externally.And if the answer is YES thenWatch…