<ul><li>The year is 2023 and Dr. Michael Lane has just become the first person to teleport. He is not, however, the first to do it successfully. </li></ul>
Oops, Mixed Up Delights The Accidental Breakfast Cereal The only cereal endorsed by Patrick Stewart that’s crunchy, chewy, flaky, sweet, fruity, chocolaty, nutty, crispy, and wholesome with raisins, crunch berries and a touch of honey and brown sugar. Jam Packed With Loads of Vitamins And Flavor That You Need.
Riker : Don’t forget Captain, these are the Hiraydinn peoples of Mugwump 5. You are to greet them by first slightly bowing your head while stretching your arms forward palms up as a gesture of solidarity. The Hiraydinn chancellor will then approach you and rub its feelers on your head in reception of your greeting. The chancellor’s assistant will then hand you a cloth to wipe off the feeler mucus. Picard : Dear God I hate this part of the job.
Picard : You must be the victims of that Enterprise C school shuttle disaster. It looks like you children were much more badly burned than had been reported.
Despite being a box office disappointment, Star Trek Insurrection found its audience on home video. Unfortunately, this visual gag did not.
Troi : What do you think of the festivities so far? Riker : A bit of a downer if you ask me… and you have. Just say the word and I can improve the proceedings with a few bottles of Romulan Ale… Well? Troi : Well What? Riker : Shall I fetch the bottles? Troi : I should think not. Riker : You spoilsport. Why not? Troi : This dinner has a measure of diplomatic importance, and besides, Romulan Ale is highly illegal. Riker : Where’s your sense of fun. You know Troi, sometimes I think the cancer took more than just your left kidney.
Now that’s more like it. The new skin finally seems to be establishing itself. It’s starting to feel more like the skin I was born in and less like I’m wearing a jellyfish that’s attacking my face 24 hours a day.
Worf : Captain, I must admit that I went over your head and disobeyed direct orders. Picard : And may I ask what orders you are referring to? Worf : Remember the furry little companions we found on the eighth moon of Beldar. Picard : Yes, I remember giving strict orders that they should not be brought on board. Worf : I kind of smuggled some onto the ship and now they sort of….. Picard : Yes Worf, continue. Worf : They’ve multiplied sir. Picard : Would you suggest abandoning ship? Worf : I think that would be best.
Inner monologue : So hot in here. Why is it so hot on the bridge? Need to get the AC fixed. I am positively moist in this heavy pullover. That high pitched pinging noise again… I thought I told them to lower the tone. Another whiff of mentholated cough drops… Where is that coming from?! Too much nonsense around here! Now I’m itchy, aahhhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Geordi : Are you feeling all right, Captain? Picard : Mind your console, blacktop!
Riker : Look what I made on my Amiga 4000… I made a picture out of punctuations. That there is a monkey and it’s trying to eat those brackets. It wants to eat them because they’re bananas.
Geordi : Captain, he’s targeting our main turbo thrusters. I suggest we try that maneuver you originated on Altair 5. Picard : You’ll have to refresh my memory, Geordi. Geordi : The exchange, sir. Picard : Understood, Lieutenant. Crewman Robuck, your life has been traded for the temporary safety of this vessel. Pack up your belongings and head to the transporter room. As a token of our gratitude for your faithful service, you may take some complimentary toiletries from the gift shop.
Patrick : Great, another planet that closely resembles southern California. I hear we’re actually filming on property that was once a part of Skywalker Ranch. Marina : Even these aliens look like humans… talk about unimaginative. Gates : This is the set? I can see a 7-11 and a subdivision in the background. Patrick : They’ll take care of it all in post-production I suppose. Gates : Our fans like to talk about the odd-numbered Trek films being the worst… well I’m starting to believe it myself. Patrick : Here comes Frakes. Looks like he got lunch at the Hungry Burger.
They tried to make more Star Trek films without William Shatner, but one way or another he always found ways to sneak into each movie. “Picard…you…..are….not welcome…on….our planet.”
<ul><li>Time to focus, Jean Luc. I better get back to work. I have a job to do. Okay, maybe just a few more minutes on DesignAPoodle.com. Let’s see… popular poodle crossbreeds… Chi-Poo, CockaPoo… oh, I could see that one in a Christmas sweater. Doodleman Pinscher… I like the doodleman half, but the pinscher half sounds a bit vicious. Labradoodle… nah, too popular. What’s this? A Poogle? Perennial favorite in the palace of Queen Victoria where it was ceremonially bathed in rose petals and catered to by a staff of over fifty servants… trained to alert owners about wise investment opportunities with the innate ability to sniff out imitation leather… We have a winner! </li></ul>
<ul><li>What am I going to do with the remainder of my evening? Glad you asked. I’m going back to my room to take a hot bath. You see, most of the crew prefer showers… not me, however. The only sure way to know that I’m clean is to see the dirty ring around my drain. An unsettling amount of information you say? I know you didn’t say that… but you were thinking it, weren’t you? And to answer the other question you haven’t asked… yes, I have borrowed your loofah sponge before today. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Don’t worry… I’m functioning normally again. I’ll sing a song from my internal jukebox to prove it. “All I want to do is have some fun. I have a feeling that I am in high probability not the only one. All I want to do is have some fun until the sun appears above the horizon in the eastern sky over Santa Monica Blvd.” </li></ul>
<ul><li>Picard : What’s troubling you, Geordi. </li></ul><ul><li>Geordi : It’s Data, sir. He’s having flashbacks again. I’m afraid he might remember that he was once human. If he becomes aware of our dark past misdeeds, he could turn on his creators, namely us, captain. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : I thought you suppressed those memories… altered his personality. Don’t forget that you made him. I only granted permission. </li></ul><ul><li>Geordi : You dare blame me for what he’s become?! Might I remind you, captain, that it was you who sent him into that cave! </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : I’ll remind you that sending an unarmed man into a cave rich in dilithium crystals that just happened to be guarded by a race of intelligent cave snakes is not cause enough for conspiracy. I had his lifeless body retrieved… I permitted the operation… where’s the gratitude? Where’s my redemption for attempting to reconcile a seemingly shameful deed? So you, Mr. LaForge, Mr. Innocent Scientist, had better fix this broken machine before it fixes us all! And this time make sure he knows that I like Reesie Pieces brownies! </li></ul>
<ul><li>Data : Captain… </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : Yes, Data? </li></ul><ul><li>Data : I am aware of a knock-knock joke that I wish for you to ponder. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : Proceed. </li></ul><ul><li>Data : Knock-knock. Picard : Who’s there? </li></ul><ul><li>Data : Data. Picard : Data who? </li></ul><ul><li>Data : Don’t you recognize my voice? It’s Commander Data. I’m the one knocking. Get it? </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : You have an adequate setup for the joke, but you failed to deliver a humorous punchline. </li></ul><ul><li>Data : Captain, I was unaware that laughter was the desired response. I was trying for puzzled irritation. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : In that case, mission accomplished. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Brent : It’s pretty safe to say that I am and have always been since the series began the fans’ favorite character… allowing me to negotiate my contract to get the most screen time. I get bonuses for my ability to balance white-knuckle action stunts with moments of delightful comic relief. The best part is that by our next film, I will be entirely digitized to cover the fact that I’m nearly sixty years old… so I will get paid the same amount and I won’t even have to show up on the set. </li></ul>
<ul><li>The seafood lover in me says that I must, but my neural net says “for what purpose?” </li></ul>
<ul><li>Data : Request permission to yodel, sir. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : Request granted with one exception. </li></ul><ul><li>Data : Sir? </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : That I may be allowed to join in. </li></ul><ul><li>Data : That would be a pleasure, Captain. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Anij : So you were actually there when Captain James T. Kirk tumbled to his death. Picard : He looked up at me with his bloated face flowing streams of blood. He could barely speak but for a carefully chosen whisper that I will never forget as long as I live. With his last breath he said, “It was… fun”. </li></ul><ul><li>Anij : What do you think he meant by that? </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : I think he was attempting to echo the thoughts of the many that so admired his career and followed it to the very end. </li></ul><ul><li>Anij : What do you think your last words will be? </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : Hopefully not, “see you in hell”. That would imply that some villain got the best of me. I would also hate for it to be, “Hey, what’s this venomous spider doing in my officer’s sock drawer”. And I definitely hope it’s not, “This escalator is malfunctioning… oh no, my hands”! Can you imagine that? Fear of escalator repair , I suppose. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Data : Sir, I’ve recognized flaws in your “shoot first, ask questions later” policy. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : And what would those be, Data? </li></ul><ul><li>Data : I notice that often, the beings we encounter are unarmed and therefore not a significant threat to us. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : True. </li></ul><ul><li>Data : I have also noticed that we usually initiate contact with these life forms by first being openly hostile, and often we rile them into aggression by desecrating any number of objects and landmarks that they hold sacred despite being on a mission promoting interplanetary peace. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : What are you trying to say, Data? </li></ul><ul><li>Data : Is it possible that we are just pushy jerks? </li></ul>
<ul><li>Data : Sir, you seem shaken and awfully quiet. Was that your first time killing another being? You must rationalize your decision to extinguish another’s life. It is normal to feel remorseful and depressed. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : That’s quite enough, Data. </li></ul><ul><li>Data : Might I suggest contacting the deceased man’s family for closure? Picard : I command that you speak no more! </li></ul>
<ul><li>Riker : Worf, your forehead is all melted. Did you stay out in the sun too long? Just razzing you, my bumpy Klingon coworker. You know… if not for affirmative action, I fear we may have never met. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Data : I’m sensing that vitamin E with aloe is responsible for this smoothness… now I’m sensing that calcium and complex carbohydrates are also at work here… and now I’m sensing that your wallet is empty so I’m placing it back in your pocket. </li></ul>
<ul><li>You’ve overcome your initial disgust and now I can sense that you envy what you do not have. My facial flesh is gaining elasticity as we speak. This is the third different nose that I’ve had in as many days. You’re a typical human, where as I now attain a face that repulses yet intrigues. I made five children cry today without speaking a word… if that’s not power, then pray tell, what is? </li></ul>
We here at the Pond’s Institute promise you the consumer that animals are never used to test our beauty products. You can be confident to know that before any of our products reach the shelves of your local stores, they are first extensively tested on Frank. For over twenty years, he has had the privilege of being the first to try each and every one of our products. He’s shared in our successes and our many many bitter failures. Of course he’s paid a handsome sum of money for his services… handsome being a compliment he doesn’t often hear these days. So before you apply that coat of cleanser to your face, salute Frank for his valiant efforts to keep you looking good at his own expense.
<ul><li>Picard : Don’t try to stop me. The science fair will go on, and my Picard clone babies will take home first prize. They have to. All 4 and a half of them are a genetically designed guarantee. </li></ul>Geordi : Captain, please don’t go through with this. Troi : I wish you would reconsider, Jean Luc. Riker : This could jeopardize your career, sir.
<ul><li>Just got a space fax from the federation. Looks like this insurrection is on hold for the time being. In the meantime, I think I’ll take a respite and visit the planet surface. I hear they’ve got some beautiful countryside and the honeydews are in season… plus, I got some tickets to the bluegrass festival. Gentlemen, I’ve been informed that it’s not to be missed. </li></ul>
<ul><li>I suggest we launch a counteroffensive immediately. This requires an attack that’s two-pronged… nay, at least three prongs. Tell Bi’ar to position his men at the Fournan Draw. Have Sh’nar send in an aerial barrage. And I, representative of the third and final prong, will need two volunteers to polish my face in preparation for our victory celebration. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Data : And this pudding that you speak of… describe it for me. </li></ul><ul><li>Boy : It’s sweet and creamy, and ever so yummy. </li></ul><ul><li>Data : If I’m to understand yummy then I will need more input. </li></ul><ul><li>Boy : It just feels good to eat it, that’s all. </li></ul><ul><li>Data : This answer does not adequately satisfy my curiosity chip. I will require a fresh sample for analysis. If a sample cannot be provided then I will extract your information through direct cranial synthesis. How I obtain this pudding is up to you. Though I have to warn you that the second option will require you to consume psychotropic drugs, and is at its core, foolishly unsafe. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Picard : Worf, your face appears to be growing another face! Do you need to go to sick bay?! Oh, I’ve forgotten… you’re a Klingon. I do apologize. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Geordi : Commander, orders to return to Starport immediately. It seems that we are to be decommissioned. </li></ul><ul><li>Riker : On whose order? </li></ul><ul><li>Geordi : Starfleet Command, sir. They’re pulling our funding. Apparently, our space missions are becoming too costly and we’re not making budget. Riker : Send a message to headquarters… buy us some time. Make up something, like “we just discovered a planet made out of gold”… on Goldoss Nebulum 1 or something. Try this, “huge discovery---stop, mountains of gold---stop, unbelievable wealth---stop, strange creatures loading up ship with jewels---stop, all universal secrets revealed---stop, unlimited power at our fingertips---end transmission.” </li></ul>
<ul><li>Data : You will drink water now? </li></ul><ul><li>Crusher : Yes, Data! For the last time, yes! </li></ul>
<ul><li>Worf : Captain, it seems that we don’t have enough food or pup tents for the children. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : I appreciate your concern, commander, but remember, we’re not running a summer camp. These people will have to fend for themselves just like us. Now drop your worries and join us in the officers’ tent for some tea and scones. </li></ul><ul><li>Worf : But Captain! </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : No buts, mister… officers’ tent pronto! Tea and scones… officers’ privilege. Besides, they’re a bunch of thieves! Why, minutes ago I caught one of those little ragamuffins trying to pilfer discarded raisins from my officers’ wastebasket… 10 lashes per raisin felt appropriate at the time. </li></ul>
Anij : Over the years, we’ve taken in refugees from all over the galaxy. The Senyei of Dunruvis, The Fleem, Plorch Nebula Banderkites, Khanamanian renegades from Seti Alpha 5. Picard : Seti Alpha 5? I’ve heard that name before. Oh No!... Oooh No!... It can’t be! Khan : Hands up, Captain. You are quite outmatched by my superior forces and my unsurpassable intellect. I wish to commandeer your ship and crew, and to have my revenge on Ah-mee-ral James T. Kirk.
<ul><li>My chin has reached dinner roll status. Commence with phase 2. Initiate the buttering sequence. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Riker : Ensign Daniels, how come the photon torpedoes aren’t firing? </li></ul><ul><li>Daniels : They can only be launched from my control panel, sir. </li></ul><ul><li>Riker : Then what does this joystick do? </li></ul><ul><li>Daniels : You just cut off C Deck’s fresh oxygen supply. </li></ul><ul><li>Riker : Oh… right… yeah, I thought that C deck might like that. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Crusher : Pocket slot machine game malfunctioning, Jean Luc. </li></ul><ul><li>Worf : Captain, mosquito fogger out of juice. </li></ul><ul><li>Crusher : Must be some sort of temporal magnetic interference. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : Odd, my crappy-prop detector is functioning and seems to be registering some fairly strong readings. </li></ul>
<ul><li>This will cause you to feel immense pain! My new confidence chip is doing wonders for my marksmanship chip, which consequently is nicely complimenting my unbridled carnage chip. </li></ul>
Gallatin Inner Monologue : Pathetic human being. He is conflicted by his desire to please our master Ru’afo and learn the secrets of our facial perfection. Silly human. He pretends to be our comrade, and yet his only want is to get his greed-covered hands on our secret skin-stretching device. Pitiful human. He has the conniving So’na spirit but is let down by the facial imperfections that make him human. He’s probably trying to think of ways to duplicate our stretching technology at this very moment. Deplorable human creature.
<ul><li>What would you do for a Klondike Bar? </li></ul>
<ul><li>You’re all probably wondering why I called this meeting at Tidwell’s Fine Books and Coffee. This isn’t just about the French roast and moody mandolin music, although I think we can all agree that it makes for a far more agreeable gathering. I called you here to talk about our future. Throughout our galactic history, there has been but one absolute in the realm of universal marketing and sales. I refer to that item which all manner of creature cannot live without. I propose abandoning our conquest of this insignificant planet and investing our resources into the acquisition and sales of a product known as “Gangbusters”. Ladies and gentlemen… I don’t claim to know exactly what a “Gangbuster” is or where it might be found, but from what I’ve heard, nothing sells quite like it. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Gallatin : If only we could have harnessed the power of skin stretching for the purposes of good. When will our people learn? </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : Have you people no clue? Apparently, years of skin stretching have altered your perception of reality. You’re a race of hideous mummy men. I insist that you take your worldly possessions back to your tombs and climb back into your sarcophagi… remain there, and I give you my word that your slumber will not be disturbed ever. Not ever! </li></ul>
<ul><li>Gosh darn it, Picard!… you’re like a flea that I just can’t seem to shake!... temporarily dislodged only to burrow into my skin once more to suck blood from my life-well. This time it is you whose blood will be drained! Before I do you in permanently, I have one small request. After I shoot you, please collapse carefully to the floor without damaging your face. I find the superiority of my own face tiring and wish to exchange it for that of a commoner like yourself. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Before we grapple, you should know that the outcome of our fight is inevitable. No one has ever scaled Mount Picard and lived to talk about it. Now, that’s a true fact. You’re one move away from an avalanche of pain. I’m wilderness, wild and uncontrollable. I’m the brittle icy footbridge over a deep chasm. A steep, treacherous path to the summit. No guides… no equipment… just you and this rock-face. Now think about that, my friend. That’s nature… that’s glacier strength… that’s rocky peaked perfection. Is that something you want to mess with? </li></ul>
<ul><li>You know what, Will?... you’re a winner. You stay so cool and confident even in the face of danger. Most men duck and cower in fear when the battle rages and the stakes are at their highest, but not you. You stand up tall, stare death in the face and greet it with a hearty laugh. Then, in a moment of extreme spinelessness you transfer command to the nearest crewman and take an undetermined leave of absence to the officers’ rec room to look for your combat goggles. …What was I thinking?! </li></ul>
<ul><li>So, Brother Worf… you wish to become a member of the Brownhead Brotherhood Faction. There are only three steps in the BBF initiation process. Step 1, a brown head… I congratulate you. Step 2, a token appreciation for mid 19 th century Earth pottery… we’ll take your word for it. And the final initiation step… the one that few surpass... you must pay a small yearly membership fee. It includes our free bi-monthly newsletter and a BBF window decal for your spacecruiser… so it’s actually a real value. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Picard : Another one for the history books, my friend. The moments have passed, but the memories will remain. A wise man once said that aging is more a deception of the mind and not a physical manifestation of the body. </li></ul><ul><li>Riker : That’s horsecrap, sir. You’re not getting younger. You’re an old old man in a young man’s profession. I can hear your body decaying. Somebody getting on in years like yourself should be thinking about retirement… not gallivanting across the galaxy having dangerous space adventures. You should be enjoying your remaining years in the Spice Island Nebula downing pina coladas and betting your pension on rockethound races. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : I respect your candid opinions, but nothing will get me out of that captain’s chair. </li></ul><ul><li>Riker : Don’t be so sure about that. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Picard : This little mission to protect your community cost me some good men. At least you’re free to go back to whatever it is you people do. Anij : We’re a colony of subsistence farmers. </li></ul><ul><li>Picard : Good for you. I guess you can pay back your debt to the Federation in eggplants or something. I’m sure one man’s life is worth at least ten of those. What should I tell these men’s parents? How’s this?… “Dear Dead Guy’s Parents, your son died with valor and courage in the defense of some farm fresh eggplants.” That ought to go over well. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Data : For about three seconds, I almost felt a strange impulse that may have been that of fun. I so wish to understand this human emotion. </li></ul><ul><li>Boy : I love to play in the hay. Sometimes my mom throws sweet candies in here and I hunt for them. </li></ul><ul><li>Data : Of course there is a distinct possibility that you don’t understand what fun is, either. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Dorn : The last day of filming is already here. Its been a fun shoot while it lasted. </li></ul><ul><li>Spiner : It looks like it’s back to the sci-fi convention circuit for me. </li></ul><ul><li>Marina : Yeah, me too. What’s on your schedule LeVar? </li></ul><ul><li>LeVar : New season of “Reading Rainbow” starts shooting in about two weeks. Then, I go on tour to promote “Roots: The IMAX Experience”. </li></ul><ul><li>Stewart : After June 21 st when I receive my knighthood, I expect to be referred to as Sir Patrick Stewart. I’ll follow that up with some theater work. </li></ul><ul><li>Frakes : We’re about to go into pre-production on the new film I’m directing. It’s about a family who’s invited to a mysterious yacht club where things aren’t quite what they seem. What are your plans, Gates? </li></ul><ul><li>Gates : I’m to be placed in storage building 27B on the Paramount lot with all of the Star Trek sets, props and wardrobe. </li></ul>