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  • 1. Click….
  • 2. SIGNS FOR THE MODERN WOMAN…
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  • 13. MARTHA STEWART’S VALUABLE KITCHEN ADVICE…
    KITCHEN WISDOM
    …AND MAXINE’S RESPONSE /
    WHAT SHE THINKS IS THE RIGHT WAY TO DO THINGS…
  • 14. JUST SUCK THE ICE CREAM OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE CONE,
    FOR PETE'S SAKE! YOU ARE PROBABLY LYING ON THE COUCH WITH YOUR FEET UP EATING IT ANYWAY!
  • 15. TO KEEP POTATOES FROM BUDDING, PLACE AN APPLE IN THE BAG WITH THE POTATOES.
    BUY HUNGRY JACK MASHED POTATO MIX. KEEPS IN THE PANTRY FOR UP TO A YEAR. 
  • 16. CURE FOR HEADACHES: TAKE A LIME, CUT IT IN HALF AND RUB IT ON YOUR FOREHEAD.
    THE THROBBING WILL GO AWAY.
    TAKE A LIME, MIX IT WITH TEQUILA, CHILL AND DRINK! ALL YOUR PAINS GO AWAY!
  • 17. LASTLY, IF YOU DON'T FORWARD THIS TO 1 OF YOUR FRIENDS WITHIN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES YOUR BELLY BUTTON WILL UNSCREW AND YOUR BUTT WILL FALL OFF. REALLY.... IT'S TRUE! HAVE I EVER LIED TO YOU?
    ( I COULD NOT RESIST ADDING THIS…HAHAHAHA!!!
  • 18. SIGNS OF THE TIMES…..
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  • 23. THERE WERE THESE TWINS, JIM AND JOHN. JIM WAS THE OWNER OF AN OLD DILAPIDATED BOAT.
    IT JUST SO HAPPENED THAT JOHN'S WIFE DIED THE SAME DAY JIM'S BOAT SANK.
      A FEW DAYS LATER, A KINDLY OLD WOMAN SAW JIM AND MISTAKING HIM FOR JOHN SAID  "I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LOSS. YOU MUST FEEL TERRIBLE."   JIM, THINKING SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS BOAT SAID "FACT IS I'M SORT OF GLAD TO BE RID OF HER. SHE WAS A ROTTEN OLD THING FROM THE BEGINNING. HER BOTTOM WAS ALL SHRIVELLED UP AND SHE SMELLED LIKE AN OLD DEAD FISH.
    SHE WAS ALWAYS LOSING HER WATER, SHE HAD A BAD CRACK IN THE BACK AND A PRETTY BIG HOLE IN THE FRONT TOO. EVERY TIME I USED HER, THE HOLE GOT BIGGER AND SHE LEAKED LIKE CRAZY.  I GUESS WHAT FINALLY FINISHED HER OFF WAS WHEN I RENTED HER TO THESE FOUR GUYS LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME. I WARNED THEM SHE WASN'T VERY GOOD, BUT THEY WANTED TO USE HER ANYHOW. THE FOOLS ALL TRIED TO GET IN HER AT ONCE AND SHE SPLIT RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE."
    THE OLD WOMAN FAINTED…..
  • 24. SPEEDING
     
    RAMAN KUTTY NAIR, A MIDDLE AGED INDIAN IMMIGRANT IN DALLAS, TEXAS BOUGHT A BRAND NEW CONVERTIBLE PORSCHE.
    HE TOOK OFF DOWN THE ROAD AND PUSHED IT UP TO 160 MPH AND WAS ENJOYING THE WIND BLOWING THROUGH HIS (THINNING) HAIR.

    THIS IS GREAT," HE THOUGHT AND ACCELERATED TO AN EVEN HIGHER SPEED. BUT WHEN HE EVENTUALLY LOOKED IN HIS REAR-VIEW MIRROR THERE WAS A FORD CROWN VICTORIA POLICE CAR BEHIND HIM, BLUE LIGHTS FLASHING. 
    "I CAN GET AWAY FROM HIM WITH NO PROBLEM" THOUGHT THE MAN AND HE FLOORED IT SOME MORE, AND FLEW DOWN THE ROAD AT OVER 210 MPH TO ESCAPE BEING STOPPED.
    THEN HE THOUGHT, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? "I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS KIND OF THING" AND PULLED OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, AND WAITED FOR THE POLICE CAR TO CATCH UP WITH HIM.
    THE POLICEMAN PULLED IN BEHIND THE PORSCHE AND WALKED UP ON THE DRIVER'S SIDE.
    "SIR, MY SHIFT ENDS IN FIVE MINUTES AND TODAY IS WEDNESDAY 22 NOVEMBER A DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING "IF YOU CAN GIVE ME A GOOD REASON THAT I'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE AS TO WHY YOU WERE SPEEDING, I'LL LET YOU GO."
    THE MAN LOOKED BACK AT THE POLICEMAN AND SAID, "LAST WEEK MY WIFE RAN OFF WITH AN AMERICAN POLICEMAN AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING HER BACK."
    THE POLICEMAN SAID, "HAVE A NICE DAY, SIR“…
  • 25. A WOMAN GOES TO THE DOCTOR
    A WOMAN GOES TO THE DOCTOR, BEATEN BLACK AND BLUE. . . . . DOCTOR: "WHAT HAPPENED?"
    WOMAN:" DOCTOR, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. EVERY TIME MY HUSBAND COMES
    HOME DRUNK HE BEATS ME TO A PULP...." DOCTOR:"I HAVE A REAL GOOD MEDICINE AGAINST THAT: WHEN YOUR HUSBAND COMES HOME DRUNK, JUST TAKE A GLASS OF CHAMOMILE TEA AND START GARGLING WITH IT. JUST GARGLE AND GARGLE".
    2 WEEKS LATER SHE COMES BACK TO THE DOCTOR AND LOOKS REBORN AND FRESH AGAIN. WOMAN:" DOC, THAT WAS A BRILLIANT IDEA! EVERY TIME MY HUSBAND CAME HOME DRUNK I GARGLED REPEATEDLY WITH CHAMOMILE TEA AND HE NEVER TOUCHED ME.
    DOCTOR:" YOU SEE HOW KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT HELPS!!!"
  • 26. THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A RUGBY FINAL..   THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..     BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET   ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..   IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.." 
    THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA..THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE.." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING  THERE..."       ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT  THE MEN, AND  IN A VERY SWEETAND CALM VOICE SAID,   WHY   DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T
    ANY NUNS THERE!" 
  • 27. Trinityblu
    2010