The New Science of Love and Bonding: Creating Connection

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Presented by Dr. Sue Johnson at our annual Women in Mind Conference.

Dr. Sue Johnson is the Director of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy and Distinguished Research Professor at Alliant University in San Diego, California as well as
Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Ottawa, Canada.

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The New Science of Love and Bonding: Creating Connection

  1. 1. Reconnecting: Couples and Couple Therapy Royal Ottawa Health Care Group - 2013 Dr. Sue Johnson www.holdmetight.com www.iceeft.com drsuejohnson.com 1 Copyright: Dr. Susan Johnson 2013
  2. 2. Couples Therapy – New Era New Knowledge :       Power of relationships on mental & physical health (eg. Heart disease, immune functioning, depression), on resilience. Lovers are regulators of each other’s physiology, emotional functioning. Nature of relationships (positive/negative – the problem in CT-John Gottman and Ted Huston). Powerful proven interventions such as EFT –Empirical validation. In session change process (in EFT heightened emotion & alliance crucial). New science of love (offers a focus/goal for CT-adult attachment). New targetsfor CT-people in context of key relationships. CT used for individual problems (depression, anxiety). For the first time there is convergence. A potent integration of theory/research/practice is possible. 2
  3. 3. LOVE Most used word - Rated most important goal It is: A mysterious mixture of sex and sentiment ? If so: cannot understand it, make or keep it. A science of love is impossible. Or is it:  An exquisitely logic survival system ?  Our foremost and most basic need – from the cradle to the grave ?  Our only defense against “emotional starvation”.  A haven of safety and strength. Effective Dependency. 3
  4. 4. EFT – Couples Therapy For The First Time: The couple therapist is in territory of the:  Understandable  Predictable  Explainable  Changeable We Know:  The Territory – The Problem  The Destination – Goal  The Map – Key Moves/Moments New Science - based on observation of distress, satisfaction, bonding in action, change in therapy. 4
  5. 5. Empathic Responsiveness is the essence of Emotionally Focused Therapy – The empathic responsiveness of the therapist creates safety. The goal is to guide partners into this responsiveness with each other. “Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in your life you will have been all of these.” (Lloyd Shearer) Most Basic EFT Intervention: Empathic Reflection  Creates safety  Focuses and slows processing  Better organizes & distills experience – creates coherence “Grasp the moment as it flies.” 5
  6. 6. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Looks within at how partners construct their emotional experience of relatedness.  (Using Rogerian Interventions) Looks between at how partners engage each other  (using Systemic Interventions and tasks) In Order To:  Reprocess / expand emotional responses  Create new kinds of interactions / change the dance  Foster secure bonding between partners WEBSITE: www.iceeft.com 6
  7. 7. THE 5 Basic Moves of EFT Repeat these 5 moves again and again, as you move through the steps and stages of EFT. 5. Integrate/Valid ate/Reflect Process (View of Self, View of Other, Relationship) 1. Reflect Present Process (within/ between) 2. Explore more primary, deeper or new emotions. “Tie a bow” 4. Process the Enactment/ How it feels to tell/ hear. 3. Set up/coherent enactment (pass more primary emotion to the partner)
  8. 8. EFT Research Meets the gold standard set out by bodies such as APA for psychotherapy research. EFT epitomizes the very highest level set out by this standard. The meta-analysis (Johnson et al, 1999) of the four most rigorous outcome studies conducted before the year 2000, showed a larger effect size (1.3) than any other couple intervention has achieved to date – 70-75% recovered on DAS with significant improvement – 86-90% Studies consistently show excellent follow-up results – some studies show that significant progress continues after therapy. Nine studies on the process of change validate EFT interventions. The generalizability of EFT across different kinds of clients and couples e.g. depression and PTSD – results are consistently positive. A recent study on EFT effects on attachment security with an FMRI component shows that EFT changes attachment security and the way contact with a partner mediates the effect of threat on the brain. 8
  9. 9. Changing Responsiveness to Threat with EFT 9
  10. 10. The Focus of EFT (The 4 P’s) EXPERIENTIAL  PRESENT MOMENT (Emotion brings past alive. Past used to validate present blocks, styles, fears).  PRIMARY AFFECT – Focus on / Validate SYSTEMIC  PROCESS (across time) – PIVITOL MOMENTS  POSITIONS / PATTERNS of interaction – self sustaining feedback loops THE THERAPIST IS A PROCESS CONSULTANT ! 10
  11. 11. Faces expressing the emotions of anger (A), surprise (B), disgust (C), sadness (D), happiness (E) and fear (F) – from the collection by Ekman and Friesen 11
  12. 12. EFT Core Assumptions 1. Rigid interactions reflect / create emotional states and absorbing emotional states reflect/create rigid interactions (loop). 2. Partners are not sick / developmentally delayed/unskilled … they are stuck in habitual ways of dealing with emotions/engaging with others at key moments. 3. Emotion is seen as target and agent of change. 4. Change involves new experience and new relationship events. 5. Effective couple therapy addresses the security of the bond, mutual accessibility and responsiveness. 12
  13. 13. Code of attachment tells us: Primary need is “felt security” with other A safe haven - to go to A secure base – to go out from “ARE you there for me?” Are you Accessible – Do I matter ? Are you Responsive to my need – Can I depend ? Are you Engaged with me ? Emotional presence is “solution” 13
  14. 14. Attachment Theory: A Map to the Landscape of Love 1. Seeking and maintaining contact is a prime motivation.  Isolation is traumatizing 2. A secure connection offers a safe haven to go to and a secure base to out from the world.  Needs for connection, comfort and caring are key. The more connected you are, the more separate, autonomous you can be. 3. Accessibility and Responsiveness builds bonds.  (parallel Huston’s findings re: emotional engagement) 14
  15. 15. Attachment Theory: A Map To The Landscape of Love 4. Disconnection cues Separation Distress – A predictable process.     5. Protest Cling and Seek Depression and Despair Detachment Emotion is the music of attachment dance.     Gives salience Colors events Cues organizes the dance Has control precedence 15
  16. 16. Attachment Theory: A Map To the Landscape of Love 6. Finite set of predictable attachment strategies in drama of distress.  Anxious – up the anti – “I’ll make you respond to me”  Avoidant – Cool your jets – “I will care less”  Fearful – Chaos – “Come here – don’t touch” 7. Working Models of self and other linked to strategies 8. Adult attachment is reciprocal – representational – sexual 16
  17. 17. More Secure Partners Can: 1. Retain emotional balance. Less flooded with anxiety or anger when disconnected / threatened. Less reactive / defensive. 2. Tune into emotions and formulate coherent direct messages re needs. 3. Remain flexible and open, tuning response to context and reflecting on experience / interaction. (Meta-perspectives). 4. Trustingly take in comfort and care – returning to physiological homeostasis. 5. Deal with ambiguous responses with less catastrophizing / numbing. 17
  18. 18. 6. Give the benefit of the doubt and resist fixed negative appraisals of other. 7. Maintain a coherent and positive sense of self. 8. Turn toward others and respond with empathy and caring – renew bonds. 9. Turn back into the world and explore – learn and adapt to new situations. 10. Complete the co-ordination tasks of caregiving and sexual connection more effectively. If EFT fosters secure connection , then it potentially fosters all of the above. 18
  19. 19. Attachment Theory and Couples Therapy This perspective offers: A map to the territory of distress and relationship A focus – A compass in internal emotional moments and interpersonal dramas. A picture of transforming moves and moments in the process of the shaping of a secure bond. A goal for therapy- an end point. Not just conflict containment. 19
  20. 20. Unfolding “HOT” Pivotal Moments in Couple Interactions On the Station Larry suddenly sees that the train is leaving – moving. He runs and climbs aboard and screams at his wife who is drinking her coffee on the platform – “RUN”. Finally, she orients and clambers onto the train with her bags. He turns and yells, “Why are you so God-damned slow?” She shuts him out – withdraws totally and begins the decline into clinical depression – “I am slow – not athletic like him – I will never please this man.” In session, Larry is irritated but considerate. He minimizes and justifies. He was “stressed’ and so his response was “unfortunate”. But she should be more “fit and on the ball and less sensitive”. She tears – turns away – “I think you need a different wife.” (Critical pursuer and depressed withdrawer cycle). 20
  21. 21. First, tune into the attachment / emotion channel. Therapist moves into:  Focusing in – reflecting steps / responses in drama – the habitual pattern of disconnection.  Validating her pain from an attachment frame – his sense of alarm (Ensure secure base).  Reprocessing the elements in Larry’s emotional response.  Finally creating an enactment with “new” emotions shaping new signals and scaffolding a new dance. Reflecting / consolidating this new dance. Reprocessing Larry’s emotion involves reshaping his awareness and formulation of the Trigger, Initial perception, Body response, Meaning of experience and how these all create the action – his communication with his wife. 21
  22. 22. EFT – Stages and Steps STAGE ONE: DE-ESCALATION 1. Assessment 2. Identify negative cycle / Attachment issues 3. Access underlying attachment emotions 4. Frame problem – cycle, attachment needs/fears (Steps 1-4) 22
  23. 23. EFT – Stages and Steps STAGE TWO – RESTRUCTURING THE BOND 5. Access implicit needs, fears, models of self 6. Promote acceptance by other – expand dance 7. Structure emotional engagement – express attachment needs. (Steps 5-7) Antidote/Bonding Events 23
  24. 24. EFT – Stages and Steps STAGE THREE: CONSOLIDATION 8. New positions / cycles – enact new stories – of problems and repair 9. New Solutions to pragmatic issues (Steps 8-9) 24
  25. 25. RUMI LOVE IS NO SUBTLE ARGUMENT THE DOORWAY THERE IS DEVASTATION BIRDS MAKE GREAT SKY CIRCLES OF THEIR FREEDOM HOW DO THEY LEARN IT? THEY FALL AND IN FALLING THEY ARE GIVEN WINGS TRAINING TAPE ONE – EFT - “LET GO AND I WILL CATCH YOU” - 25
  26. 26. Statements in a Softening - Steps 5 and 7  I guess it’s still so much easier for me to get mad. I don’t like to deal with the upset piece. The piece that is afraid (“Afraid” set out in Step 3)  When I think of telling you about that, I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t think I can do it. Surely you know that it’s happening?  If I tell you, you will turn away and I will turn into this sniveling kid-pathetic. So I don’t do it. Cant’s do it.  I survived by not going to this place, I don’t know how to reach for you-to even begin. Some part of me says to suck it up.  I will hurt even more if I ask. It’s so hard to ask. It’s terrifying for me. I need to know you will respond. That you wont let me crash and burn.  Can you hold me, I am so afraid. 26
  27. 27. Minuchin & Nichols in Family Healing (1993) suggest that there is now : “Hope – for new ways of being together. This is the song our society needs to hear: the song of me-andyou, the song of the person in context, responsible to and for others. To hear it, we need the courage to renounce the illusion of the autonomous self and to accept the limitations of belonging.” Limitations ?? Infinite Possibilities ?? 27

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