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Pat Harris shares secrets and tips for parents, students and others going through "rough spots." What are our options? Let's keep an open mind.

Pat Harris shares secrets and tips for parents, students and others going through "rough spots." What are our options? Let's keep an open mind.

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  • 1. WhatAre OurOptions?Letters from the hearts ofa child,a teenager anda parentIf you’re a parent.you can make a differenceA Visual Book byPat HarrisFamily TherapistResolveToHeal.comWith Steve McCrea“Mr. Mac”Educator, Video Producer and Small School AdvocateFindASmallSchool.com (954) 646-8246ISBN13: 978-1-879857-35-3ISBN: 1-879857-35-9Copyright 2007 Pat Harris
  • 2. What Are Our Options? 2
  • 3. DedicationThis book is dedicated to all the people who mean somuch to us, especially Henry and JK.To the people who inspired us and to the people whowill read these words, this book is our gift to you.This book brings you the following phrases: “Now, listen here…” “What are our options in this situation?” “What’s another way to look at that?” “How can we reframe that?” …and it all comes back to reframing, doesn’t it?3 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 4. What Are Our Options? 4
  • 5. IntroductionDo you sometimes get angry or scared? And thendoes someone say something that calms you?That’s what this book brings you: Calming words.Letters from the heart. When you wish you couldhear something honest, something soothing,something to help you forget your problems, turn tothe section called “After the Storm.”This book also brings you the latest in researchabout the brain and some creative pieces that I’veused when dealing with anger (with my clients andwith myself). I don’t expect you to monitor fivedifferent TV channels, National Public Radio andthree newspapers. My research staff and I havecompiled what caught our attention over the pastten years.This book started when we mentioned to a parent,“What do you know about the different ways of learning?” The parent’s blank look gave us the insight: This parent is overworked and has no time to watch TV for educational purposes. He’s too busy raising hiskids.What would happen to our schools, families,relationships, communities if 200,000 parents were5 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 6. instantly up-to-date with the latest research? Whatways could that information be presented to theseparents? What if these families had access tocalming talks from a family therapist on an audioCD?What is the essence of the messages fromscientists? Can we deliver the ideas quickly, sowe don’t waste the time of these busy parents?That’s the reason behind this book. We want to give you thebasics, with some photos to help get the message across. I come to this work with a focus on options…especially options away from violence. There are many ways to resolve conflict. There are many ways to avoid bullies and “cracking” (negative, “playful”but harmful jokes that kids tell each other)… Can we resolveconflict without yelling, shouting, putdowns or exerting force?The order of the chapters shows progress. We begin withElementary School Students and move to Teenagers.The poem by Tommy Rahill gives us an interlude to Breakthe Cycle. Then we look at Managing Anger, which is atthe heart of most of our problems. In the fifth chapter welook at two types of victims – the targets of bullies and thebullies themselves. Next we hear words to pick us up “afterthe storm.” In the seventh chapter we discuss Ten Ways toExtend Your Child’s Education. Then we look at theresearch that supports much of what appears in this book ina chapter called Five Things that might help a parent(new information about the brain)What Are Our Options? 6
  • 7. We close with appendices: A Letter From the Heart, alist of styles of distorted thinking, a checklist forimproving your child’s writing and a teacher’s callfor more cooperation with family therapists.To help audio learners, we include an audio CD. I hope youwill tell us what we should include in the next edition. Pleasesuggest new topics… we’ll put them on our web site atResolveToHeal.com.Pat HarrisClick on “Contact Us” at ResolveToHeal.comFort Lauderdale, FloridaFamily therapist and Life CoachFrequently Asked Questions about this book 1. What is the organization of the book? It might be possible to find an order in these chapters. In fact, they are placed in chronological order as they were transcribed from meetings between Steve and Pat. Pat gave the Anger Management talk in 2004 to the eighth grade at Downtown Academy in Fort Lauderdale and the rest of the items were recorded after Hurricane Wilma (October7 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 8. 2005). There is a sense of “let’s look at the storms that we have survived,” then “let’s look at our anger” before we look at systems around us that cry out for reform. The later chapters about schools show Pat’s interest in reaching students through academic situations. This work grows from the foundation of the early chapters where we acknowledge that “we have options.” 2. What motivated you to put together this book? Bookmaking is an obsession with Steve. He looks around for topics that need capturing. This project, which could have been called “We Have Options,” is more than a book: there are DVDs with Pat’s presentation on anger management, and audio CDs to capture the soothing voice of the family therapist. The power of an “audio letter from the heart of a teenager” means there are sometimes pointed reminders and direct “calls to action” in these pages. Since there are many ways of learning, some people may prefer to listen to rather than read the messages. This book is for your reference and it is hoped that you won’t rush through it. Take your time, think about the messages, and remember the adage that many therapists repeat: Work happens between sessions, too. Insights often come after we think about what we said during a “breakthrough” session with a therapist. The time and thought you put into these issues while the book is closed is far more important than what these pages contain.What Are Our Options? 8
  • 9. 3. Why are there pictures of food throughout the book? Our culture inundates us with images of processed foods. Some of the basic goodness of fruit and vegetables has been lost under glazes and eye-catching packaging. The photos come from web sites that post images that are in the public domain, so we just need to note that the photos in the back part of the book come from David Beard and the images in the front of the book are by Jacci Howard Bear of desktop.about.com.Image by JK McCrea9 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 10. Table of ContentsIntroduction (5)1 For Elementary School Students (12)2 For Teenagers (16)3 Break the Cycle (26)4 “Does Your Anger Manage You?” (28)5 Bullies – Taking Care of Just You (36)6 “After the Storm” (46) (words to help you get through difficult times)7 Ten Ways to Extend a Child’s Education (60)8 Five Things that might help a parent (76)(Five Useful Things About How Your Child Learns)9 It’s the Size of the School (not the Classroom) (86)10 ADHD – Does It Have to be a Deficit? (91)11 A Letter From the Heart (108)Appendix 1 Check List for Writing a Composition (112)Appendix 2 Styles of Distorted Thinking (114)Appendix 3 A List of Audio Letters (116), LASSIE (118),Prepare for a Good School Year (120), Gratitude (132)Appendix 4 A Note to principals about Family Therapists (135) Appendix 5 Working With Technology (a seminar) (140)What Are Our Options? 10
  • 11. Calling all parentsAre you feeling like a broken record when it comesto dealing with your child or adolescent?Are you getting the results you want when it comesto raising your child?Is your child making the transition from childhoodto adolescence without too much trauma to the restof the family?Are you and your child able to negotiate withouttears and anger?Do you want to focus on solutions and become aneffective parent?This book is for you.11 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 12. 1For Elementary SchoolStudents and Their Parents Summary for Parents Anger doesn’t just “happen.” Young children can learn to talk about their anger. Anger management is for everyone.The following text comes from Pat’s CD for elementarystudents.Track ONEHello, boys and girls.What does the word “anger” mean to you?Do you remember the last time you were angry? Whatdid you do?Can you recall the last time you were angry?We want you to take a few minutes to think about thelast time you were angry and draw a picture.Pick up a pencil and paper. Or get some coloredmarkers. Draw a picture of the last time when youWhat Are Our Options? 12
  • 13. were angry and be sure to put yourself in your picture.Make a drawing like a picture in a coloring book,include yourself in the picture.Take your time.Be aware of your feelingsAre you having any feelings when you remember thismoment?Are you feeling angry?Are you feeling sad?In the end, are you feeling happy?What type of feelings are you having?Write down those words. There are feelings. Thenlet’s talk about it. I haven’t been the only person getting angry. I think other people get angry. What’s important is that we learn what we do with the anger. That’s it! Let’s look at the pictures! Track TWO How can we handle all this anger? I wish I knew how to deal with anger. I’m going to ask my mommy how she deals with anger. I’m goingto ask my big sister.I might even ask my teacher.What could I do before I hit someone? I might count toten using my favorite animals.I like dogs. One dog, two dogs, three dogs, four dogs,five dogs, six dogs, seven dogs, eight dogs, nine dogs,ten dogs.Sometimes when I get angry at somebody and I count13 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 14. the number of dogs, I forget why I was angry. I was sobusy counting the dogs.Yes, I’m going to try it.I might try counting giraffes or hippos or horses. Itdoesn’t have to be animals. Come up with somethingon your own. Any animal you like.We’d love to learn a new way to do this.When I’m told to do something that I don’t want to do,sometimes I get mad. I don’t wanna do it. What can I tell myself to get this work done? “It’s okay, go ahead. Do the homework. It will soon be finished. The more time I put it off, the more time I won’t have to play. You know I love to play.” Can you ask for help? Please ask for help. Someone will be willing to help you. Look at what you did! You asked for help! Just say, “I don’t understand this.” It’s okay to ask forhelp.Do you notice? Your face isn’t frowned up. You aren’tin the corner. You are better in the group. We needyou in the group.Keep up the good work. You can do it. You’re goingto do great.Track THREE for ParentsThis is for the parent of the Elementary school child.Help your child get an understanding of anger.What Are Our Options? 14
  • 15. Help your child understand what anger means andsolutions and ways of dealing with anger withoutviolence.Listen to your child’s understanding of anger. Alwaysremember we are looking for additional options.Violence does not solve problems.Our intention is to assist you to become a betterteacher.Teaching is a partnership between parents, teachersand studentsRemember, you are the original teacher.This CD is part of a series of Audio CDs prepared byPat Harris as a way to help parents, students andteachers deal with anger. For more information,contact Pat at 954 735 8721ResolveToHeal.com15 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 16. 2For Teenagers Summary for Parents “Cracking” or teasing = abuse Teasing and “ragging on” younger or weaker people are not “normal” behaviors. Bullies do these things. Can we resolve conflict without yelling, shouting, putdowns or exerting force?Move over. What do you mean move over?! I dont even want to sit next to you. You smell any way.Look, youre so fat -- Id be ableto sit here if you werent so fat. What!? Ill bust you in the nose.What Are Our Options? 16
  • 17. Whats happening here? “Cracking.” Some kids thinkit’s clever to say negative things about other people.It’s clever! But cracking leads to fighting.Cracking is a form of fighting. You say somethingabout me, I say something about you. You hit mebelow the belt. You think that Im going to sit backwhile you shame me in front of my peers, theneverybody else is going to want to crack on me. No.Cracking is a form of fighting.Its your fault that I got angry.You should never have saidanything about my mother. If itwasnt for you, I wouldnt havegone off. Yeah, go ahead, blame me. Its my fault because your mommas fat?Look, its your fault that I gotangry. Oh, so Im supposed to take responsibility for how you feel and what you do.Look, it wasn’t my idea to talkabout my family.So whats happening? Were talking aboutbuttons. The buttons that each of us owns.Who owns these buttons? When someoneshouts at me about my mother or shestalking to me about how fat I am, who17 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 18. owns those buttons?Im responsible for what I say and what I do. Im theowner of the buttons. They are my buttons. Thinkabout this. At some point I became scared. Mybiggest concern is about how people are going to seeme. What are my peers going to say? Who else is going to pick on me next? How will I become the scapegoat? Will I become the talk of the school?Remember, as a teenager, Im dealing with peerpressure. Im dealing with my own shame about beingembarrassed. Its enough for me to adjust to being ateenager and being isolated. I think people are lookingat me and Im wondering what they are saying aboutme.Its time for some intervention. Heres what my motherdid...I was faced with a situation at school. A kid called mymomma fat. I became angry instantly, and I was angryall day long. It kept going over and over in my brain:He called my momma fat! I dont like that. Ijust dont like that.I felt that I had to stand up for my momma.Until I got home. I said to my mother, "Momma,he called you fat!" My mother stood and said tome, "I am fat."What Are Our Options? 18
  • 19. Boy, the light went on. That was when I realized thatmy mother was fat. My mother acknowledged the factthat she was fat. That took the power out of the fight.Ino longer had the need to defend my mother. Mymother validated me. As I looked at her, even thoughshe was fat, that didnt stop me from loving her. She ismy mother, regardless of her size. I no longer allowedother children to push my buttons or to tease me.They could say what they liked and it made noimpression on me. I used to act like a yo-yo, up and down, up and down. I used to react to anything the other children would say. But nowI went from reacting toresponding.I knew that I would no longer allow my peers to takecharge of me. I started to take charge of my emotionsand how I dealt with issues at that age.I can take the power out of whatever someone mightsay."Hey, Pat, your momma is sofat." "You are right, she is fat. And it seems like my momma is getting bigger and bigger every day."19 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 20. "Uh, no, you’re supposed to becracking with me!"I have taken the power out of it. I am no longer goingto allow you to have me going off, acting like Im crazy,acting like Im losing it. Im no longer losing it. Fat isonly a word. Man, please, can we move on to something else? Im no longer going up and down like a yo-yo, so dont come back to me with that.This student in Curitiba, Brazil, wants to exchange emailmessages with students in the USA. Cultural interaction is part ofthe LASSIE system (see Appendix 3, page 118) for studentsuccess.What Are Our Options? 20
  • 21. Comment by a teacher:Pat took the power out of the fight. As a teacher, Irespect courage in my students, when they get thatpower, when they find out for themselves that theydont have to react. Pat learned how to respond.The Difference between Reacting andRespondingTheres a big difference. Ninety-nine timesout of a hundred, you are reacting to something in thepast. Something happened and you responded to itthe way you responded to something similar a year ortwo before. Let me give you an excellent exercise:ExerciseThink about a time when you were very angry. Allowyourself to get the same feeling the last time you gotso angry. Get in touch with that feeling.Go to a past event in your life when you had that samefeeling. Get a vision and see what you see. Thatswhere the anger is coming from. The anger today iscoming from the past and some event that happenedback then. that was then, this is now. Allow yourself21 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 22. to come into the moment, deal with what you need todeal with and recognize that the past is not done with.if I continue to react to something in the past, then Imnot done with it. By stepping into the moment, it givesme another option. I can choose to respond to thepresent (to the current situation), not to somethingfrom a past event.I often say to myself, "I know where that is comingfrom." It puts me in charge of that, not it in charge ofme.Heres another point: we learn to rely on our innerstrengths. I can do this, says the child.Notice this about your self-talks. We talk to ourselvesmore than we talk to anyone else. Notice this angryself-talk: "I dont know who he is, but he doesnt knowme.He doesnt know what is going on. Im not going toaccept his view of who I am. Im going to show him."Imagine seeing some of your peers at the bus stop. Ican boost myself to become angrier with my negativeWhat Are Our Options? 22
  • 23. self talk. Ive giving myself a mission to go off. Doyou notice it?Whats behind all of this? My fear. How can I changemy self-talk? What can I say to myself to change myfeelings in the moment?Listen to this positive self-talk: "Phew. This is notthe end of the world. What other options do I have?How can I do this differently? Do I have to shout at thisperson who is saying bad things about me?What do I need to do for myself right now? how do Itake charge of just me? I sure cant take charge of theother individual. hes going to say whatever he wantsto say."If the situation continues to bother me, I can askmyself, "What other resources do I have? how can Iutilize some of my problem-solving skills? What is theproblem? Whose problem is it? What options do Ihave? What could resolve this?"23 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 24. If I come up with a solution and it doesnt work, Ill trysomething else. You know what Im going to tellmyself? This too shall come to pass. Im going towork this out. Im going to work it out so I donthave to become violent. Violence does not solveproblems. I will be assertive, not aggressive."I need to be able to get my needs met. Let me get itright in the middle between weak and aggressive. Ineed to be assertive, I need to verbalize my needswithout blaming the other individual.I need to take responsibility for what I say and what Ido. My actions can be congruent with what I say.These are just are few of the interventions that I canuse. It starts with me.These interventions are a beginning.From a teacher:Heres an example of what some of my students havedone.What Are Our Options? 24
  • 25. Hey, Mr. Mac, remember how you told me I shouldcount to ten before I say anything? It really workedyesterday. Somebody called me a really bad thing andI was about to hit him. I thought, Whats my optionhere? By the time I got through counting to ten, theyhad walked away, nobody knew what they had said,and I didnt have to deal with the situation.Thats an example of an intervention that worked.A short exerciseGet a piece of paper and some colored pens. Think ofa time when you were really angry. Feel what it waslike to be in that moment. Feel what it was like to havesomeone say something to you. Draw that picture.Im not an artist, but I know how to make stick figures.Im going to draw the other person and me, Im goingto show where the incident took place, and Im goingto write down exactly what happened.As you follow those steps, make sure to get in touchwith those feelings that you are having. Look at thoseemotions that surface while you are in the process ofcreating the scene. Make sure that in this scene youinclude everybody that was involved. Include yourself.Get in touch with those emotions that you are having.Take some time out to really get in touch with what isgoing on.Then turn your sheet over and draw a picture of thehappiest moments in your life when you were laughingout of control.25 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 26. 3Break the Cycle Summary for Parents A poem can get to the heart of the matter Can we resolve conflict without yelling, shouting, putdowns or exerting force?By Tommy RahillHey, you, break the cycleBreak the cycleWhat am I talking about?Who am I talking to?I’m talking to the men and women out there who’ll knowwhat I’m saying.Your father didn’t treat you well.He wasn’t there for you.He was a little rough on you or maybe worse.It might not have been your father, someone else maybe.Perhaps it was a neighbor, a friend, a relative, a completestranger.What Are Our Options? 26
  • 27. It might have been your motherOr both parents.Life’s not always fair.How many millions of people heard that!It’s your turn now.What are you going to do ?The same &$%*^%?! thing that happened to you?Break the cycle!Little hurt boy inside,Little hurt girl insideBreak the cycle!Your kids deserve it, your spouse deserves itYou deserve it.Whatever it is, whoever you areBreak the cycle.Mentors outside Downtown Academy27 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 28. 4“Do You Manage Your Anger,or Does Your Anger ManageYou?” Summary for Parents Anger is a tool. It’s a signal. Can we use the signal or does the signal “turn us on”? Can we use anger to resolve conflict by looking at options?Perform your understanding: In the spaces below,you will be asked to select a word or phrase to fill inthe blank.Does anger ___________ or do you manageanger? Segment Question 1: Does anger __________? Anger 2 Set a. excite you the ground b. make you feel alive rules c. manage youWhat Are Our Options? 28
  • 29. 00:31 Im going to always ask for what I need. Areyou with me? Im going to ask for your cooperation.Im here to have a good time. Before I leave heretoday, if you dont know about your own anger andyour anger cues and what triggers you, youre goingto know that. Were going to talk about takingcharge of the person that you can take charge of.And thats ________.I want you all to participate. Im going to do thiswith respect. Everybodys going to be heardbecause everybodys got something important togive. I think Ive set the tone for this time together.Lets get started.segment ends at 1:44 Question 2: Pat wants you to take charge of ______ a. your mother b. your friends c. you7:40 Segment Anger 3 BoostersI want you to go to the last time when you wereangry.Are you with me? We do something, dont we?Before we get angry, we get hurt. Right?We have a self talk, dont we? I start telling myselfsomethingI dont like what she did. She shouldnt have donethat to me. She said this and she knows I dontappreciate that. Ill show her.Do you know anything about boosters?Do you hear how Im boosting myself? What am I29 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 30. giving myself permission to do? I give myselfpermission to ___________. Question 3: When I boost myself, I give myself permission to __________ a. eat sardines. b. hide c. let out my anger. I convince myself that I am right and the other people are wrong.Is it positive or negative? Everything is negative.Even though Im mad, what is behind that mask?Behind that mask is fear. When I walk around witha frown, Im saying, "stay away from me, dontcome near me"end 10:25start 10:30 Segment Anger 4 ConsequencesAll of those are negative self talks.Watch the difference in what Im going to do. Imgoing to have a positive self talk with myself.I have no control over what people say. Thisdoesnt mean that this is the end of the world. Whatother solutions are there?Notice what I said. Solutions.Im looking to ___________ problems. Noticethat when you feel that you dont have an out, youstart to feel that your back is up against the wall.What Are Our Options? 30
  • 31. Question 4: Im looking to ______ problems. a. create b. run away from c. resolve or fix or solveWhat I need to ask is if I fight, whats going tohappen? There are consequences. Can I afford todeal with those consequences? Most of the time, no.Its time to use your problem solving skills. I don’tcare where we go.Remember this: We attack problems, we dontattack people.12:1412:20 Segment Anger 5 Sit Down"Cracking" is setting me up for a fight.As soon as you hit me below the belt, as soon as youpush my buttons, then Im going to react. What didI not doI didnt think. Instead of reacting, what do I needto do?I can compromise, I can have a positive talk with myself.I can thinkwere always looking for _________________31 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 32. Question 5: When I have a positive self-talk, I am looking for _______________ a. a fight b. an escape c. options and solutionsI can tell myself to sit down. I need to take chargeof just me.start 20:10 Segment Anger 6 Displaced AngerLets talk about displaced anger. Theres apossibility that I might be angry before I left home.I come to school and I bring it with me. You are soinnocent, you dont know whats happening. "Whatare you doing, looking at me?"If I own it, I can learn from it, I can benefit from it."I do that!"If you own it, you can control it.I need to learn how to control it. Im not letting out over everybody else’s problems. Question 6 If I own it, I can ______ it. a. avoid b. sell Do I want anyone c. learn from exploding on me? I dont want it. It feels like an attack.It does not have to be about you. You do not ownother peoples problems. Doesnt that make sense?If its between two young ladies, I dont have to getWhat Are Our Options? 32
  • 33. in the middle of it.But how often do we get in the middle?start 23:55 Anger 7 I Know About AngerDo you know why I know so much about anger? Iused to be anger, too!I love managing my anger. Im forever looking forsolutions. Are you with me? What else can we do?Notice this about behavior: Whatever you do atthis school, it goes wherever you go. If you have aproblem, you _______________________ Question 7: If you have a problem, Pat Harris* says that you ______ a. can give it to a friend. b. can let your mother handle it. c. cant walk away from itIm sad when I hear a parent say, "Im taking my kidout of that school, there are too many problems overthere."If you dont try to solve the problem, its going tofollow right behind you.end 25:45start 26:04 Segment Anger 8 The HoleThe story about the holeToday I was walking down 3rd avenue, I saw a bighole in the road. Then I fell in the hole. Its so darkin here. Finally I got out.33 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 34. the next day I walked down the same road. I fell inthe hole again. its so dreary in this hole. Istruggled harder to get out.The next day I saw the hole and walked around thehole.The next day, I ____________________t. Question 8: In the story, the next day, the person (I) decided to.... ______ a. dig another hole and fall into it b. fall in the same hole again (because I missed being down there) c. go down a different street and avoid the holeSometimes, when the pain becomes so great and Iget sick of it, Im willing to learn something new.Ask for help. Instead of struggling and recreatingthe same problem. Does everyone understand? Itsokay to ask for help.Cooperation and working together as a team works.Let me leave you with a reminder: Manage youranger.Anger cannot do any harm to anyone else but________. Its what you do with it. Get in touchwith rage and where it’s coming from. Thank you.What Are Our Options? 34
  • 35. Question 9 Anger cannot do any harm to anyone else except...__________ a. your mother b. your friends c. you (if its my anger, the only permanent harm comes to me. If its your anger, the permanent harm comes to you)For the complete audio recording, contact PatHarris. Pat Harris offers seminars and workshopsfor teachers, professionals, parents and students(during school and after school).To participate in email exchanges with students who are learningEnglish, write to suzylimab@hotmail.com in Curitiba, Brazil.35 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 36. 5Bullying: Taking Care of JustYouA bully is someone who imposes his or her will onanother person.Lets begin by examining how it gets started.Lets look at power and control. Summary for Parents Bullying = abuse Teasing and “ragging on” younger or weaker people are not “normal” behaviors. Bullies do these things.What is emotional abuse? Putting someone down,making that person feel bad about him or herself.Calling them names, making her or him think that theyare crazy, playing mind games. Humiliating theindividual or making the person feel guilty. that is allabout emotional abuse.Does a person have to hit me to abuse me? No. Theemotional abuse eats away at the inner core of mybeing.What Are Our Options? 36
  • 37. Look for "Duluth Model" on the Internet. For an Tom Graves Duluth" batteredmen.com/duluwomn.htm eurowrc.org/05.education/education_en/15.edu_en.htm massey.ac.nz/~kbirks/gender/viol/duluth.htmUsing Isolation (a personal story)When I was in fifth grade, I was a bully. I didn’t think Iwas a bully. I was doing what everyone else wasdoing. In our class, there was a girl named Abby. Shewore yellow dresses when everyone else wore othercolors. She had little flowers embroidered on thedresses. We thought this was silly. On top of that, weall agreed that she was ugly. She had cooties. Eachone of us, agreed, without discussing it, that were notgoing to play with Abby. We controlled where shecould sit. If she was trying to join us, we made surethat she wasnt part of the game. We limited herinvolvement in our group.I certainly didnt think that I was a bully. I was justdoing what the other kids were doing. Its taken me 35years to realize that I was a bully. It helped tobecome a teacher to become sensitive to theseisolating behaviors.Did you ever use threats? "I will bust your eyes out."Or Ill do something to hurt you. Ill tell you things like,"Do you need this pen? Ill make sure you wont get it."Ill even try to make you do things that I wouldnt do.Sometimes older people use power and control to getyounger people to sell drugs. The younger childrenwont be incarcerated and the older people push young37 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 38. children to commit these crimes because "If you dontdo that, I will do this to you."We are looking at items behind the Duluth model, partof a system used in Duluth, Minnesota to deal withphysical violence or abuse against spouses. Some ofthe topics include:Using Intimidation. I call this the "negativemarketing campaign." When theres a marketingcampaign, the new product is introduced with a bigshow. Perhaps there is a one-minute commercial andmillions of people see an apple in the logo.Apple -- Thats a funny name for a computer. After thebig ad campaign, the company can reduce the size oftheir commercials. After many months, the companyjust has to show its logo. A rainbow colored applelogo makes people think, "Oh, thats a friendlycomputer." I know that computer because of the longadvertising campaign.Rock stars use marketing. They have a big show andthen eventually you just see their name in print andyou can imagine their music. A rock star who wearsjust one glove leaves an impression in our minds.Now, anytime we see a single glove, the rock starsimage comes to mind. We know who that is.In the same minimal way, bullies build a marketingcampaign. By using intimidation, the bully can makeyou afraid just by a look or gesture. The bully just hasto hint that hes carrying a weapon. "You know, I havea knife in my bag." Thats all he has to whisper andinstantly we can see the knife at our throat.Theres this image, the marketing is so powerful, andthe hint can get us using our imagination to getintimidated. The typical bully is good at exertingcontrol over victims by continuing a negativemarketing campaign.What Are Our Options? 38
  • 39. We know that once you start a campaign, you mustcontinue it to maintain the control over the consumer,to continue to attract them. Just because you are well-known today doesnt mean you should stopadvertising. The bully continues to advertise throughsmall looks. "Uh-UH-UH!" his eyebrow says. “Dontmove ahead. I’m first." Or a small flick of his handsays, "Dont even think of having the last apple. Thatsmine."Im going to talk about children who are used astactics.When parents separate or get a divorce, the childbecomes the "in-between" or the "go-between" person.When I go to visit with Daddy, I have to make sure I tellhim something about Mommy or whatever is going onin that house, because I dont want Daddy to get angrywith me. So I’ll tell him whatever is going on at home."then when the child returns home, the mother askswhat the child did at the fathers house. "Then I tellher whatever happened over at Daddys house. Oftenthis begins the process of me feeling threatened. Istart to feel anxiety and I get upset when my mommysays that shes never going to let me go over to myfathers house again."The mother might say, "The only reason he has you goover to his house is to find out What is going on withme." How does the child feel when the mother saysthis? The child starts to feel guilty. The child doesntrealize that shes a pawn between her mommy and herdaddy. Thats how children get caught in the powerand control process.Minimizing, Denying and BlamingHow many people reading these words can admit thatthey have been a bully? Do you minimize what youdid? Do you deny that you were a bully towardsomeone? Do you blame on other students the badthings that were done to your classmate? Itsimportant that we acknowledge our actions.39 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 40. Do we minimize? "I hit him only one time.""I hurt him just a little."“It was his fault. Thats why I hit him.”“He got too close. if he hadnt come so close to me, Iwouldnt have hit him."All three forms are a defense of my actions. To deny,minimize and blame are defenses so I dont have totake responsibility. If I dont accept what I said andwhat I did, then I cant grow from the experience.Denying, minimizing and blaming keeps me stuck.They keep me in power and in control. behind thismask is my fear. I need to feel in power and in controland when things dont go right, its your fault.Using economic abuseUsing privilegeI noticed this power when I was part of the group infifth grade. I was in the group, so I had the privilege ofkeeping someone out. I had the option of includingAbby in the group. I chose not to use that powerbecause I might risk being pushed out of the group. Iwould be part of the group that likes Abby, that playswith Abby. So instead of making the choice of notbeing a bully, I chose to use my privilege of beingin the group to treat her like a lower person.I made the decision that Abby cant cut in the line --shes got to go to the end of the line. I cant dosomething nice to help her define her role in the class.Im going to make sure that I define her as someonewho is lower. This was a use of my privilege ofposition.This situation shows how weak a bully is. Thats thesurprise. Theres a weakness in the bully . The bullymaintains his position through a constant marketingcampaign. Part of that campaign is to keep you, thevictim, from getting or keeping a job, from getting apromotion, from getting attention from the teacher.What Are Our Options? 40
  • 41. "We’re not going to let Abby use the best book, shehas to use the book with torn pages and the worstcover."Youre really working to make Abby feeling "lesserthan." You want to keep her from being included. Thiskeeps her isolated and makes her the target. What isthe pay off? Does it make the bully feel important?Does it make the bully feel included? Does the bullyfeel better? I need to put you down so I can feel better.Thats how abuse tends to happen, when people dontsee each other as equals. When we consciously chooseto see you as "lesser than," thats when the judgmentscome out. "You shouldnt be part of this." I started toexperience of not being a part of the group. I felt thatsomeone else is in charge. Hes better than I am. Istarted to have these feelings and thoughts, makingme sad and isolated. All of this results when powerand control is used….When powerful individuals cometogether.What happens when we remember that we haveoptions and choices? We can continue to be a bully orcontinue to be victimized. It is more important that wehave interventions.There are two enemies of the bully: strong self esteemin the victim and information. The more people whoknow about what the bully is saying, the more the bullyloses control of the situation. if there is a smallgroup that he controls, they can know about histhreats and intimidation and how hes isolating thevictim. however, if too many people hear about histactics, eventually the group of others see themselvesas potential victims and they speak up. "This is notright," and they do something to intervene. Theenemy of the bully is information, whether it is videoor a recording or reporting to a teacher that bullying ishappening and the teacher gets involved. Perhaps theprincipal gets involved and the parents get involvedand eventually the bully loses control. He has lostcontrol over who knows the information that he has41 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 42. spread around. The intervention is non-violent. Youhave not reacted with violence to the bullys violence.You have responded by spreading the information.Bullies are weak and they aim to keep you down as avictim. If you suddenly believe that you have the rightto be sitting in that classroom, if you decide that youhave the right to be playing with others, you grabcontrol. If Abby had come over to any one of us andsaid, "I would rally like to sit here because Im part ofthis class." Some of us would have tried to push heraway, but others might have said, Oh, I guess you arepart of the class. Abbys statement would haveweakened our participation as bullies in the group. Itwas imperative that we all remind her that she hadcooties so that she would not develop a stronger self-esteem.Even in the workplace, we do not have to work inhostile environments. We can promote safeenvironments. We always have options. Many yearsago, parents used to say, "Stand up for yourself. If hehits you, hit him back." I have not heard of violencesolving problems. Lets continue to look for otheroptions."You cant show that you are weak. You have to defendyourself." Look where this attitude has taken oursociety. Eventually you have to bring a gun to schoolto stop the gang. is there any wonder in the wakeof Columbine, schools need to reduce bullying atschool. Yet, where does bullying come from?its not learned somewhere else, in the street or athome. Weve seen how to get things done -- we usepower and control. "Im not hitting anyone" -- no, butyou are abusing them emotionally to control theirbehavior. You are isolating.We have to start with us.Lets start with respect and affirm the other person.Lets trust and support. When we come together as aWhat Are Our Options? 42
  • 43. team, there is a tremendous amount of support. Wewere not created to live alone and separate. When weaccept responsibility for what we say and do, we cancommunicate openly and honestly."When you do x, that hurts my feelings." This promotes understanding through NO: communication. If we “You are an idiot!” acknowledge each of our gifts, we can share NO: these gifts and “Get out of my way!” strengths. Instead of separating and dividing YES: into groups, we can "When you do x, that hurts work together. We can my feelings." talk about equality, fairness and resolutions YES: to conflict. We accept “I feel left out when you change and we are do that.” willing to compromise. It doesnt always have to be my way. We can bein the same room and we can compromise. Steve canget his needs met and I can get my needs met and wecan accomplish something.We want parents to display what we expect from ourchildren. In other words, we need to model what weexpect. this means not saying, "Dont do what I do, doas I say." That statement goes back to power andcontrol. We are looking at equality. Children need tobe respected. Children may have solutions for solvingproblems. We can come together as a family toresolve problems. Were talking about change,moving forward and letting go of the old learnedbehavior. "This is the way my dad did it" is notworking for the family.Were looking at the non-violent opportunities. Wheredoes bullying come from? It comes from learnedbehavior. It starts at home. Lets think of an43 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 44. example: Road Rage. When we are frustrated drivers,stuck in traffic and we see someone cut in front ofus, we honk at him. "That makes me so angry!" Whatmessage does this action and these words send to thepeople riding with us? Were saying that that baddriver is a bully and hes pushing himself in frontand Im not going to get away with that! We respond ina violent way by honking or chasing him down to writedown his license tag number. We throw up thefamous middle finger.What does this do in ourselves? We have to think thatthere is an option here. Thats the central message ofthis chapter: taking charge of just you. Take chargeof the only car that you can take charge of. Thats thecar you are driving. this means taking charge of youwherever you go.There are non-violent opportunities. If you seesomeone who is getting away with a smoking tailpipe,his exhaust is going everywhere, dont get mad. Justtake down his tag number and call an office thatmonitors emissions. theres a non-violent way ofresponding. Its called building the case. Collect theinformation.in the same way, we can have a non-violent response tothe bully around us. We don’t have to become betterat judo or learn how to do martial arts or figure outhow to get a knife into school so we can threaten backat the bully and push him away. We can expose thebully and show his weakness.Theres showing respect. These are parts of the non-violent domestic abuse project.Negotiation is a form of non-violent resolution.Imagine if Abby had said to me, "I know that you thinkthat I have cooties. However, I have this snack that Iknow you like and you have apples that I like, somaybe we can share snacks."What Are Our Options? 44
  • 45. Being willing to compromise in some way, the victimcan take charge of the situation. If you cant run awayfrom the situation, think of some way that is non-threatening to the bully. How about talking and actingin a way to capture what the bully feels and fears?This may be difficult to imagine, walking up to a bullyand talking with the person who is threatening you.however, this is one of the non-violent optionsavailable to you.We have to think of people who tried to change asystem. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., these peopledecided that there was a non-violent way of engagingwith the bullies. Instead of feeling that we are isolated,we can start inside ourselves. It starts by rememberingthat the bully feels inadequate. Thats why there is anegative marketing campaign to make the bully feelbigger. If the bully tries to exclude you, you canreverse the situation by including the bully in yourworld.You can respond to bullying by taking charge of justyou.Search these words on the InternetThe Duluth ModelThe Non-Violent OptionsMore information is available at ResolveToHeal.com.Please contact us with your suggestions attalkinternational@yahoo.com.45 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 46. 6After the StormThis section comes from Pat’s collection of audio letterson CD.We tend to move toward the things that wedwell upon, so lets think about goodthings. Summary for Parents “The Storm” = any fight we survive The purpose of this letter is to embrace change.The hurricane.It took us away from our main goals. We were stuck ona detour and now its time get back on the highway.And not get back on the highway, doing things that weused to. No, we have an opportunity to start doingthings with excellence. This is what I recall from myschooling. One of my teachers told me:Whatever is truehonorablejustWhat Are Our Options? 46
  • 47. purelovelyof good reportthink about these thingsIn this time of difficulty, when it is so easy to thinkabout the hurricane. The television is telling us, "Wehave to think about this hurricane," lets think aboutwhat is truehonorablejustpurelovelyand things of good reportYou might want to think about these quotes.Out of all that we think is bad, there is always good,because God is in control. With all that has happened,there has been some good. Just look for the good.Mother nature does not discriminate. Ride up anddown the streets in your community and see it. Thereis no discrimination.Embracing change during and after the hurricane.Its easier to embrace change than to fight and resist.because then you are only fighting against yourself.Life is about adapting and adjusting. Nothing stays thesame. Some things work for a while and later on theydont work any more, so you try something new. Wehave other options.What works? What doesnt work? At some point inour lives we have all had the experience of whatdoesnt work. Sometimes we continue to do the samething over and over.47 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 48. Ask yourself this question: What other options do Ihave? How can I do this differently? What do I want toaccomplish? How do I speak to my childs heart? Notto their mind, but to their heart. From my heart totheir heart. I can sure say what doesnt work. A lot ofscreaming and repeating the same thing over and overdoes not work.Losing self-control for me as a parent does not work.Often the childs goal is met because theyve gottenaway and they are not accountable for what they havedone. Nor are you in a position to hold me responsibleor accountable. When Im out of control, there is a lotof drama that is taking place in my household. Inorder for me to stop this, I need to think before Ispeak.When I see children at the schools all the time and theyare cracking, and sometimes we refer to our childrenusing bad names, that doesnt work. The only thingthat name calling does is to lower my self esteem andstart me to believe. I believe you because its comingfrom you mother, or its coming from you, father,because you are a significant other in my life.Now, lets get to the big picture here. What reallyworks is you must realize that your children desire toplease you. I cannot do as a child everything that youwant me to do based on how you want me to do it.Please look at my mistakes as opportunities to learnand to grow. Please.It is imperative that you begin to recognize the gifts inme early on. They are there. My gifts are staring atyou, right in your face. Notice what I do and I do itvery well. Sometimes Ive heard parents say, "Oh, stopso much talking, boy!" But that same boy became anewscaster.Recognizing the strengths from within, focus on thegifts. Reframe the negatives. Who needs those typesof words to remain in the environment? Ask yourselfthe big question: Do I want remember this as aWhat Are Our Options? 48
  • 49. parent? Is this what I want to give out? I dont. Evenafter I have had my temper tantrum, I dont feel goodabout this. I never felt good when my daughter and Iwere having our temper tantrums. Just think about it.Its like being in the sand and now I have to get up andbrush off all of these little grains of sand off of mybody. It doesnt feel good. when I have gone from theposition of being the parent to being on the same levelas my child and were fighting with each other -- Forgetit! Im not going back there. It doesnt work. Ive beenthere before and I know whats there. This is about learning. This is not about my child. This is about me. Im the mentor, Im the original teacher. This is what really works, when I recognize who I am. From a mother’s perspective, I carried my child in the incubator. I was the incubator, I am the original teacher. now as my child grows older, I am no longer the parent. I have become a parent- consultant. I no longer tell you what to do and how to do it because the answersare within you. And I no longer have the fear of youmaking mistakes. Thats how we learn. Make a choiceand be selective about the choices that you make.Its okay to experience consequences, positive ornegative ones. I remember when I put my hand on thefire, on the stove, on that hot burner. I guarantee you,it worked. I never did it again. Im not going backthere. No more. Thats it, Im done with that. I amforever looking for new choices and options.By the way, dont leave your child outsideof your decision making. "What do you49 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 50. think about this? Give me your opinion."Theres one brain and then theres anotherbrain, and another brain, and theres moreoptions and choices. Its like when we multiply. Remember when we first learned to multiply? I was surprised when I go to my five times five table. Oh, wow, theyre getting bigger! Then I moved to 10 times 10. Ten times one is ten, Ten times two is twenty, ten times three is thirty. You are your childs original teacher. The hurricane represents together and unity. It hasbeen an eye opening experience to let us know whatwe have. The hurricane really lets us know that wecan appreciate the small things. Tomorrow is notpromised to you.Listen to this. I took no thoughts about my life, for myfather knows what I need before I ask. All is well.Courage must come from the soul within,The man must furnish the will to win.So figure it out for yourself, my lad,You were born with all the great have hadWith your equipment they all beganGet hold of yourself and say "I can."(a poem by Edgar Guest)Thank you for focusing on positive thoughts.We tend to move toward what we think about, so letsthink about good things.What Are Our Options? 50
  • 51. -----------------------------------------SourcesThe good, pure, lovely quote comes fromthe letter to PhilippiansThe “I Can” Poem is by Edgar GuestThe "think about good things" comes froma fragment often quoted by Jeraldine Saunders.We include an appendix with examples of recordingsby mentors. We created a web site calledMentorsonVideo.org where we post short videos andaudio messages by mentors. We ask four questions:Suggested QUESTIONS to answer1. What did you learn in school that youstill use today? (This answer showsrelevance.)2. What do you wish you had learned inschool? Additional relevance plus asuggestion to a teacher to includesomething extra in a future lesson.)3. Name one of your teachers. If you canname the teacher, then something wasgiven by that teacher to you. What was it?Honor that teacher by telling us why youremember that teacher. (This shows animportant relationship)51 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 52. 4. Tell us about a book. What have youread in the past ten years that you usetoday? (This answer shows continuedlearning -- and we are asking you for aperformance about what you took from thebook, a performance of understanding.)These four elements convey qualities that we findattractive. If you would like to be a mentor, pleasecontact us.Here are some extracts from Mentors On VideoBy Clarence McKeeYour life is this, a blank sheet of paper. You are goingto determine what you write on that paper in your life.Nobody else will. You determine what you will be. Itsvery important. No one else will. Remember Jiminythe Cricket? When you wish upon a star, makes nodifference who you are.... what? Dreams come true.If I can impress anything on you, other than "You arethe most important person in the world," then its"Theres nothing more important than dreaming."What Are Our Options? 52
  • 53. I dont mean when you go to sleep dreaming. Do youhave a dream about what you want to do? Where youwant to go? Never stop being a dreamer. Anyone whogot somewhere got there because of a dream. ThomasEdison, Tiger Woods. Everybody dreams.You know, you dont have to tell anyone about whatyour dreams are. There will always be people who sitaround you and say, "Nah!" Those are the kind ofpeople you want to stay away from. People who tellyou what you cant do and why you cant do it. Go foryour dreams.If you shoot for the moon, you might get halfwaythere, and thats a long way. Dreams ... anything youwant to do, you can do it. You have time to prepare. Thinking. Think, think, think. Dont be afraid to go off alone and think. read about famous people, read biographies, and think about what you read about. My hero is a guy named Bill Paley, he founded CBS. When you read about famous people not only to find out how they became successful. You want to read aboutfamous people to find out all of the problems theywent through and the disappointments and thetragedies that they had to overcome to keep going. Myfriends, you are going to have times in your life when53 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 54. you say to yourself, "To heck with this." You are goingto want to give up and say forget it. You are going tohave some rough times. Thats part of life.Theres a saying: its always darkest before the dawn.The darkest time of the night comes just beforesunrise. You will find in your life, you will look backand when you thought that things were bad andhorrible, the next day, I cannot get through this day,the very next day something happens to change your situation for the better. So dont get depressed when you get depressed. Its natural. Things happen. A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Lets say a few words about teachers. There are three categories of people who you will never forget in your life. Parents, grandparents andteachers. These arepeople who really care about you. I can recite to youthe names of five teachers that I know to this day and Ithank them for the confidence they instilled in me.Miss Spence and Miss Mitchell, Coach Wallace.You might remember some teachers in college, but theteachers in middle school and high school really careabout you and you will never forget their names, onceyou allow them to make an impression and once youreally listen to what they are saying. Go for it.-- Clarence McKeeLawyer, entrepreneurWhat Are Our Options? 54
  • 55. A Mentor for ReadersI guess the thing I remember most about school is thatit gave me the discipline and I think it gave mestructure. Although I didnt always follow all of therules, I think the most valuable things I found in schoolwas my love of reading. I still read a lot, about a booka week.School also taught me about how to get along withpeople. I served on a lot of committees, I was in a lotof clubs, I was on stage a lot, I played the piano for thechorus. School taught me a lot that was valuable inlater years. I have not used algebra much in my life,despite being in business. The most important thing Ican do is add, subtract, multiply and divide. I can do itfaster than an adding machine, I can do it in my head.I can estimate how much money Im going to makefrom a project or how much it will cost and I can tellwhether or not the project is effective or whether Imgoing to lost or make money. I can calculate howmuch time the project is going to take and concludewhether or not it is going to be practical. Those arethe things that I do well.I have to say that I go full steam ahead because I ampassionate about it. I dont do anything just formoney. I do it because I enjoy it.Ive always loved reading. I remember that our teacherasked our class who had gotten the farthest into thebook and it was me. She asked me to run an errandfor her.55 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 56. It was quite a privilege in those days to run an errandfor a teacher, so I did and I came back and I finishedbefore anyone else in the class. I was extremely fast asa reader. I really enjoy business books and TomClancy books. Im a how-to book reader and I createhow-to books. I like to put into action when Im donewith a book three or four things that Ive gotten fromthe book.-- Gayle CarlsonEntrepreneur, author------------------------------------Additional information aboutMentorsonVideo.orgMentors On Video is a program to allow"ordinary humans (non teachers) to visitmiddle and high schools on video. You can goto a "real" school and get videotaped. Or you can askfor someone to video you. My production company,McCrea Educational Archives, sells video trainingfor FCAT preparation, SAT preparation, training forteachers and "how to read better". All of this trainingis placed on DVDs and CDs and there is often an extra100 or 150 Megabytes on the CD or DVD.What Are Our Options? 56
  • 57. What to do? Put some videos of Mentors on the CD.Free. Your donation of your time will be returned byhaving your voice and/or image shared with dozens ofstudents.Students tend to watch a CD if they are told that it isnot required. "Hey, maybe this is the new Pirates ofthe Caribbean DVD." Sometimes they are bored,sometimes they are hooked. The idea of the mentorisnt to appeal to EVERY students, but rather to hijackat least one student from the reverie induced bysurfing on the Internet or playing with an Xboxgame.Why is it important for you to become amentor?Lets start with a "mystery quotation." Who said this? “Successful schools are built on the new three Rs: Rigor – making sure all students are give a challenging curriculum that prepares them for college or work. Relevance – making sure kids have courses and projects that clearly relate to their lives and their goals. Relationships – making sure kids have a number of adults who know them, look out for them, and push them to achieve.”Small Schools“The three Rs are almost always easier to promote insmaller schools. The smaller size gives teachers andstaff the chance to create an environment wherestudents achieve at a higher level and rarely fallthrough the cracks. Students in smaller schools are57 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 58. more motivated, have higher attendance rates, feelsafer, and graduate and attend college in highernumbers.”Who said mentioned these words in a speech to thenations governors in February 2005?Answer: Bill Gates=======================Thomas Friedman points out in his book about "TheWorld Is Flat" that it is difficult to put up walls toprotect jobs. Instead, Friedman recommendsa) INNOVATION,b) BETTER EDUCATIONc) Freedom from dependence on oil bydeveloping alternative fuels (the secondmoon shot)Sure, a moon shot, just like the 1960s. We paid thetaxes and the scientists worked to put twelve peopleon the moon. But its not just scientists during this newmoon shot. Not this time. Innovation takes placethroughout the economy and innovative smartbusiness practices are needed to support the technicalinnovations.What Are Our Options? 58
  • 59. Instead of the rest of us just looking on and watchingthe Moon Shots, we non-scientists can:1. Get involved as mentors in schools2. Get energized by working as free agents3. Develop our right brains and see thebigger picture4. Work with Bill Gates to get smallerschools where Rigor, Relevance andRelationships are developed morethoroughly than in big schools.5. Continuing education. As mentioned byDan Pink in Free Agent Nation and AWhole New Mind, we will need to continuetraining to get up to speed about what iscoming next.If you wish to participate, please contact me. Makeyour own video using a digital camera or call me andIll arrange for someone to video you.Steve McCrea954 646 8246 954 OH MUCHOSteveEnglishTeacher@hotmail.comMentorsOnVideo.org59 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 60. 7Ten Ways to Extend YourChild’s EducationHello, Reader,We have found that many parents take quite an interest in PatHarris’ message about anger management. Obviously she’shitting a chord, ringing a bell and hitting a note with people whenshe asks:“Does anger manage your kids or do your kidsmanage their anger?” Part of her message is on a video that is available on a CD (you can view it on a computer). The questions are helpful for kids. The audio letters on her web sites (www.Pat- Harris.com), when listened to by parents and child together, helpto gently raise issues that families often avoid.Pat Harris, a family thearpist, has a list of ten points to help extendeducation – and this booklet is your opportunity to “ask the rightquestions” (as Bill Mayer suggests on billmayer.com). Share thislist with a child in your life.Are you ready to share responsibility for your child’seducation? We’re talking about more than just theacademic schooling of this future adult who is under yourcare. Let’s take this journey step by step:What Are Our Options? 60
  • 61. 1. What is your childs learningstyle? There are many ways of taking in informationand many ways to express what we have learned. TheInternet has several surveys to help you and your childfind out the method(s) your child uses to learn.Audio: Does your child prefer to hear new informationrather than read it? Can your child hear you once and“get it” (with your needing to repeat your request)?Musical: Does your child learn facts more quickly withrhythm? Most of us learned the alphabet with thealphabet song.Internal or Introspective: Does your child prefer towork alone? Does your child like to write? Interactive and Social: Does your child learn by talking a subject over with a classmate? Does your child enjoy working with a group? 3-D, Visual and Numerical: Are numbers easy for your child to remember? Does your child remember a phonenumber “because it’s easy to see the pattern”? Can yourchild draw a three-dimensional figure like a pyramid orbox?Active: Does your child learn by doing? “Just let mefigure it out myself” without reading the instructions?61 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 62. ADHD: Attention Deficit Hyperactive “disorder” isreally a variable attention ability (VAA), since manystudents with ADD can stay focused on something thatinterests them. Does your child have variable attention?That’s a gift, too.2. Does your child have alibrary card? Good -- use it. Introduce yourchild to the library. Know where to find the referencesand the sources of information. You need that librarycard number to use the Electronic Library atflelibrary.org. Do you set an example by visiting thelibrary and using your library card?At the Broward Main Library Many people haven’t been in a library since graduating from high school or college. Not having a college degree is not a reason to avoid a library. Peter Jennings, the news anchor for ABC news (who recently died fromcancer), never completed college, yet he read voraciously 3throughout his life. Jennings showed all of us how totake information from a book and apply it to our dailylives. In addition to reading widely, he wrote books“with just a high school diploma.”Here’s how to demonstrate the power of a library to achild:Step 1: I went onto the Internet and looked up PeterJennings to find an example of a book that he hadwritten.What Are Our Options? 62
  • 63. Step 2: I searched for a review of his book and found thefollowing comments in a web log:“My family is a great fan of his television programWorld News Tonight, and I was honored to receivehis excellent History book (The Century for YoungPeople), which I enjoyed reading greatly. It is filledwith interesting facts and interviews with people whohave experienced the actual events. It is thegreatest book I have read, and if you know of any young people, you should make sure to get the book for them. “ Adora Svitak Step 3: I went to the library and found the book. I didn’t check it out, but I looked at it for 30 minutes. Spending time with a book can be as important as actually readingit.Step 4: I have an “I want to remember this” notebook.I write important notes in my IWTRT notebook.You, too, can interact with a library. Adjust your visit tothe learning style of the child. An active learner can beshown how to look up articles from 50 years ago. Whatdid the newspaper print on December 7, 1941?63 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 64. A visual learner needs magazines and things that can bemanipulated and moved. Some libraries have kits formath that students can use to demonstrate geometry tothemselves.If your child is a social learner, then visit the libraryduring a book reading, where other kids are sitting in acircle listening to one of the many workshops given atthe library (which is more than just a place to storebooks).If your child is a quiet or introverted learner, let yourchild select a quiet place to sit with books chosen for anundisturbed session of “just looking.”In short, just showing up at the library is just the firststep. You act as a role model for your child in how toimmerse yourself in the resources available at the library.3. What example do you set foryour child? Do you look at life as a series ofproblems or opportunities? Is the glass half-empty or half-full? Lemons or lemonade? Show your child how to react to a gray day. Do you have a Positive Mental Attitude? (This includes the example you set as anWhat Are Our Options? 64
  • 65. adult, as an uncle, an aunt, a grandparent or as a neighboror a person in line at the post office.) 1. Do you ask out loud, “How can I learn from my situation?” Does the child hear you turn mountains into anthills? Here’s a suggested “reframing” or self-talk: Is it really a problem? Well, it’s just what it is. It’s a situation. It doesn’t have to consume me. 2. It happened yesterday. All I have is right now, not yesterday or tomorrow. 3. Could I do anything different today? I sure can. The choice is mine. To take charge of my thinking, my situation and my actions. 4. Life is a process. Self-talk: “I am still learning and growing. My children know that I make mistakes and I let them make mistakes.” I use words like “I’m sorry,” and “forgive me.” 5. Excuses are not helpful. Blaming someone else does not help me. Self-talk: “A mistake is an opportunity to learn.” When we blame someone else or give excuses, we miss an opportunity to learn. 6. Give examples of encouragement. When I “help” another person “because he doesn’t know how to get out of the hole he dug for himself,” I am enabling or DISabling the person. Don’t do anything for the children that the children can do for themselves. (Maria Montessori said that.) Dependency doesn’t promote good self- esteem.65 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 66. Here are some samples of “words of encouragement”: “Try it again.” “How can you do it differently?” “You’ve got the idea. Keep going.” “What does that word mean to you?” When a child is stuck and says “I don’t know how to explain it,” you can say, “Give me an example.” These words will encourage a child to “perform her understanding.”4. Focus on your childsintentions. Instead of being critical, comment onthe action. If your child surprises you with a toastedsandwich to welcome you home after work, don’t pointout that the bread is burned. Say, “How thoughtful ofyou to prepare something for me. Can you show mehow you did it?” (then you can see what your child didincorrectly). “The next time, check the setting of thetoaster, but I’m so happy that you thought of me.”What Are Our Options? 66
  • 67. 5. Accept the fact that we areall teachers. Dont blame the school for gaspsthat you see in the education of our youth. When wasthe last time you volunteered to speak to a class ofmiddle school students? We are mentors. We can eachparticipate – and your child will notice that you careabout what happens in the school. Even a patient with aserious disease takes charge of her condition by askingquestions and looking for the right treatment. If herrelationship with her doctor is not positive, she works tofix it or she has the right terminate services and getanother doctor. If your relationship with a school isn’tworking, you can fix it or find a school that meets your child’s needs. For example, do you know what Bill Gates says about schools today? (It’s about the 3 Rs and you as a mentor to bring relevance and relationships intoschools.) You can find out atWhatShouldStudentsLearn.com.6. Encourage your child to talkabout his or her frustrations.Validate their feelings. Remember to use the “I”statement. When your child says that a “former” friend isa [negative label], ask the child to reframe and make itpersonal: “I feel [hurt, isolated, lonely, left out] when myfriend [laughed at me, didn’t invite me to the party,etc.].”67 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 68. 7. Keep the door open to communication. But dont force your kids to talk to you. If you make time to listen, someday your child will come with a problem. Instead of saying “Can’t this wait?” or “You waited until NOW to tell me this?” you can “reframe” or restate the situation: “Honey, I’m ready to give you my full attention. What’s on your mind?” 8. Take a time out before you have a temper tantrum. What’s your anger cue? What is your method for handling your fear (which is behind the anger)? Be a model to your child about how to handle disappointment.7 9. Expose your children to different cultures. Visit museums and street fairs in different neighborhoods. It helps your child to accept differences. We live in a salad bowl. Show your child that you are continuing to learn new things about other cultures and that your preconceptions are sometimes inaccurate or lacking information. Another culture is less threatening when we know the food and art of that culture. What Are Our Options? 68
  • 69. Are you depending on schools to do the work ofintroducing children to other cultures? Have you seenthe pressures on teachers and principals to meet newacademic standards? It’s pretty difficult, so the power isin your hands. You’re one of the adults in the child’slife. It’s okay to accept differences. We can learn. Wecan discover that red onions and bell peppers taste greatin my salad, but reed onions alone are a bit strong.When I have them in my salad, they enhance the taste.Drive into different communities. Look for similaritiesand the big question: What do we have in common?Ask the right questions. There is power in asking theright questions.Why do I reject things? Why? Because I haven’t givenmyself permission to try something new or to accept thepossibility that there are other ways to do what I do.There are several roads up to the mountain top, not justmy path. But until I accept that, I don’t’ want to allowmy family to go on any other path – it wouldn’t be safe!Let’s have a new experience at least once a week. If youfeel scared, embrace the fear and honor the experience.69 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 70. 10. Allow your children tomake decisions. Anytime you do somethingfor a child that they can do for themselves, you aredisabling your child. This means “allow your child to make mistakes and learn from them.” It would be so much easier for you to do something for your child so your child doesn’t feel the embarrassment and pain of making a mistake. It is oftenmore stressful for you to stand back and watch your childstumble, but your child will learn by doing. Go to MathForArtists.com for math help Overcome fear at ResolveToHeal.com Get a new look at history at WhatDoYaKnow.com Learn a new way of learning at LookForPatterns.com Visit Pat-Harris.com for free audio lettersTeach your child how to ask for help. Resources areavailable. This is how you get your needs met. If there’sa situation, there has to be a solution. (Isn’t that a nice“self talk”?). Teaching problem-solving skills to yourchild…and demonstrate how to approach a problem. Letyour child see you confused, talk about your doubts andthen how you “self-talk” yourself into a positive mentalattitude. What is the problem? Whose problem is it?What options do I have? Allow the child to explore whatworks and find out what doesn’t work.Consequences can be positive or negative.Life is about choices and decisions (not just aboutavoiding risk or struggling to maintain everything “justthe way it was”).What Are Our Options? 70
  • 71. I read, therefore I get more information, therefore I thinkand know that things change. Almost nothing remainsthe same. It’s important as a parent that I focus on the Big Picture – yes, grades are important, school is important, but life skills are more important. I need to promote growth and development instead of reacting. I am responding to modeling. How can I regulate or take charge of JUST ME? “I am operating in love or fear – it’s a choice. Ichoose love.”71 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 72. ConclusionEight of these actions are non-academic, but -- surprise! Yourchilds grades will improve. Following these guidelines will leadyour child to develop a strong emotional foundation. Your childwill feel good and will have positive self esteem (built over yearsof effort).To find a survey of learning styles on the Internet, search“learning styles worksheet” or go toMathForArtists.com and scroll down to LearningStyles.Therapists are often observed to be “giving advice.”A lot of therapy actually comes from asking questionslike “How does that make you feel?” and “What do youwant to change in your thinking?” and “How do youwant to reframe that?” and “How could you do thatdifferently?”This booklet is not new information to you. You know it.That’s why it looks like good advice.What Are Our Options? 72
  • 73. Anger Management: A set of questions forstudents and parentsUse this list with the Anger Management 8-minute videoWhat are your answers to the questions on the video?1. Does anger manage you or do you manage anger?2. What do we do with anger?3. Do we displace anger?Do we get angry at home and then bring our anger to school?4. What is your anger cue?What do you feel on your body when you get angry?5. What is our “Self Talk”?What do we tell ourselves? What did you tell yourself the last time you got angry? 6. Give an example of a Positive Self Talk. 7. What’s behind the anger? ** 8. What is the source of the fear you are feeling? 9. What does Pat say in the fifth minute? It’s time for ______to t______c________ of _____.10. In minute 6: I b________ it ______ to ____11. What’s the next step? Minute 6:30, we f_____ on a s_____.12. What happened when Pat “tried” to pick up the stapler?**Hint: (There’s fear and we try to hide that fear)In the “More Technology” section, what tips did you discover thatare useful to you? Perform your understanding by calling 954 646824673 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 74. When your child says, “I don’t have anyhomework...”When your child says, “I finished myhomework…”Visit these web sites:ResolveToHeal.com and click on “100 Museums” EXTRA ACTIVITIES www.LookForPatterns.com (when you are finished with homework – time for more!) www.infoplease.com/homework (lots of categories to explore) www.thebeehive.org click on “SCHOOL” in the left hand margin “Homework Help” school.discovery.com/students/ Lots of activities from the Discovery Channel http://www.factmonster.com/ Big green screen with many categories www.BuildingInternationalBridges.com (to learn about interesting cultures) Get an email account with a disposable servicelike yahoo or hotmail to participateOTHER LANGUAGESSpanish.about.com a general web site for learning SpanishItalian.about.com A general web site for learning Italianhttp://www.homeworkspot.com/middle/foreignlanguage/ links to othersitesSCIENCEShttp://www.homeworkspot.com/middle/science/ help for Sciencehomeworkhttp://quizhub.com/quiz/quizhub.cfm Quizhub.com lots of fun andeducationhttp://www.refdesk.com/homework.html a useful gateway to a variety ofweb sitesSOCIAL STUDIES www.History.com (of course!)www.nationalgeographic.com (for social studies)www.WhatDoYaKnow.com A site created by a Social Studies teacher inPalm Beach County.http://www.bpl.org/kids/socialstudies.htm Boston Public Library’s pagefor Kids (fun)http://www.socialstudies.org/ National Council for Social Studieswww.eduref.org/cgi-bin/res.cgi/Subjects/Social_Studies for teachers.What Are Our Options? 74
  • 75. Did you ever wonder where teachers learned so much?www.Geographyolympics.com They created a world puzzle.Lifetime Transitions and Anger Managementwww.Pat-Harris.com (audio letters are available for you to downloadand hear)READING Practice reading on these sites.http://www.ncte.org/middle/topics/content/117565.htm National Councilfor Teachers of English has a book listwww.snopes.com Read about urban legends and find the truth.www.gutenberg.org Over 10,000 books online (FREE)http://www.refdesk.com/homework.html More Homework Helphttp://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/1333/kids.htm For kids who love books http://nancykeane.com/rl/ Book lists to give you ideas about what to read next! SEARCH on “reading for middle school” Middleschoolhub.org a collection of interesting quizzes Quia.com more quizzes MATH www.algebra.com (for general help with math) www.mathForArtists.com (an artistic and visual way of learning about math) Click on “challenging problems” for interesting math exercises. math.com/ Good pages for reviewwww.number2.com (for advanced math training)nctm.org (the National Council for Teachers of Math)www.RetireThePenny.org A math exerciseTake the Middle School Math Challenge figurethis.org/index40.htmTest Your Math Skills (requires Shockwave plug-in)timssonline.cse.ucla.edu/index02.htmInternet Math Library http://mathforum.org/library/Math Counts-Math for Middle School Institute-Open Ended Math Problems for Middle SchoolStudents sln.fi.edu/school/math2/index.htmlAsk Dr. Math http://forum.swarthmore.edu/dr.math/Do you have other web sites that you enjoy? Send your suggestions tomistermath@comcast.net  All of these links are active onTeachersToTeachers.com.75 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 76. 8Five Things that mighthelp a parent(Five Useful Things About How Your ChildLearns – new information about the brain)Five Useful Things about the Brainand How Your Child LearnsThis chapter will be divided into sections that will includesome interesting materials. You are invited to read straightthrough or to visit pages that you find interesting.Go ahead, skip around the chapter and read what catchesyour eye.Five Things1. Right and Left: the brain is divided in two parts. Theconnection between the two sides makes a big difference:do you have a thick or thin connection? Girls and boysreally do learn differently. Shouldn’t they be taughtdifferently?Michael Guerlain and his institute for learning differences…The Brain Game by Dr. Nancy SnydermanDo you want to learn something fascinating?When Lori and Rich Boulware of Kendall Park, N.J., hit the roadrecently, their navigational radars were tuned into differentfrequencies. Rich used a mental map, while Lori used landmarks toget around. As the couple tried to get around a tricky area of town,Rich said, "Turn left on Webster," while Lori said, "You have toturn before the ice cream cone."Dr. Helen Fisher, an expert in gender differences, says theWhat Are Our Options? 76
  • 77. Boulwares are not unusual in their navigational skills. "Women gofrom one object to another. … A man will say, go two miles downthe road and then head east. Thats very different from saying godown to the shoe store and take a left at the high stone wall."--transcribed from the TV broadcast called “The Brain Game”The program covered the following topics: a) Young girls talk about relationships at school. "I know who was whose best friend today and who fought with who and what boy likes who.” Boys don’t have much interest in that stuff. b) What is the reason for the differences in brain function? As the program asks, “Is it our biology or our culture?” Male brains have a structure that transfers information quickly within each side of the brain. Boys tend to be able to throw and catch objects and see objects flip in three dimensions. Female brains have more neurons than male brains in the areas connected to language, judgment and memory. No wonder female students generally handle information so effectively! c) There’s a connection between the two sides of the brain called the corpus callosum. It’s like a highway in the female brain and a dirt road in a male brain. This means that women can manage several kinds of input at the same time. Many women can speak, listen and write simultaneously. Men are less able to multitask and are uncomfortable writing and listening at the same time. Generally female students will be bored doing one thing at a time.77 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 78. d) What do these findings mean for teachers and students? In the classroom we can expect girls to often do better than the boys. In high school, however, boys get a second surge of testosterone and their math and spatial abilities improve. The Brain Game notes that “boys outscore girls in the math section of the SAT by 7 percent.”2. EQ or IQ? Emotional Intelligence is more importantthan academic achievement.It is estimated that academics account for about 6 to 10percent of our success. How well we do in life dependsmostly on other factors, not on the results of a mid-termtest. A large part of our success in life depends onsocial skills. (source: Daniel Goleman, EmotionalIntelligence)REMEDY… here’s how I build emotional intelligence inmyself a) I listen to advice from people on tape. Somehow it’s easier to listen to a stranger tell us advice than our parents. To help you, I’ve created a series of audio letters for you to listen to in the car. b) I practice what I learn. I apply it. Yes, it’s annoying and boring sometimes, but I use it. Use it or lose it. c) I look for options. I know what I’m comfortable doing. I look around and I look for otherways of achieving what I usually want to get done. It’ssurprising how many new people we meet when we stopdoing the same thing the same way…d) I learn about the fifteen styles of distorted thinking (seethe list in the Appendix). I love to discover a new way thatI’m distorting my view of the world to suit my needs. It’sWhat Are Our Options? 78
  • 79. amazing how creative I can be! It’s great to be relieved ofthe job of trying to figure out everything for everyone else….Now I just worry about me.3. Mentors are needed in schools. The Pentagon requiresparents to spend 8 hours a month in a classroom. (Source:60 Minutes TV news program). Great idea, isn’t it? Whatwould be the impact in your school if ten parents in eachclassroom visited the school once a month? When was thelast time you volunteered in a classroom?4. About FCAT: There are at least seven ways oflearning and seven ways of teaching. Shouldn’t there bemore than one way of assessing our children’s growth andunderstanding?Are there other ways to measure understanding?Listen to Dennis Littky, founder of the Met Center inProvidence, R.I. The Met Center puts students in an“advisory” for four years. “Advisory” for most schools might mean “we have a guidance department” and “we help students find possible careers.” In the Met, the advisory is the class and the classroom. The advisory appears to be the heart of the program. The advisory system links one adult to 15 students and that adult (the “advisor,” but most of us would call that adultthe “teacher”) builds a three- or four-year relationshipwith the student. There are other teachers, but oneadvisor guides the student through a mix of subjects. Thestudents look at issues in the advisory, focusing on79 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 80. quantitative reasoning (math), empirical evidence (thescientific process) and communication (language arts).Confused? I was when I first heard of this system. I “How can one teacherthought,teach all subjects?” That’s the wrongquestion. We should be asking, “In my school, how cana student get a sense of direction when he or she has todeal with at least 5 different teachers each year, 20teachers through high school? Where is the commonthread binding all of these subjects in the student?” One adultThat’s the secret behind the Met.cares about (focuses on) onestudent at a time. I know at least oneschool district that claims to teach “one student at atime.” The Met Center actually practices this.I have identified five “pillars” of the Met Center:Five pillars of Big Picture Schools(as interpreted by a math teacher who visited The Met in Providence, RI, part ofthe Big Picture schools association) 1 Multi-year relationships -- The teacher stays with the same students for three or four years. The teacher teaches more than one subject. In the case of the Met, a high school in Providence, RI, the teacher stays with the students for all four years of high school. 2 The teacher is a facilitator. Teacher = Advisor = “how can I help you?” The teacher coaches the student to choose activities to cover skill areas (language skills, quantitative reasoning, etc.) rather than special subjects, like trigonometry, algebra or chemistry. One of the teacher’s prime activities is finding suitable mentors for the students. 3 Tests are by exhibition. A “stand up” demonstration of understanding is valued above a written test. The studentsWhat Are Our Options? 80
  • 81. take the state’s standardized tests and other written tests, but the school focuses on the exhibition, which is the product of at least nine weeks of work. 4 Learning through interests – the internships (set up with the teacher) are selected by the student. Academic learning is filtered through the student’s interests. 5 “I’m more than a letter in the alphabet.” Evaluations are made by narratives, not by a letter grade. The teacher can afford time to write two pages of narrative about each student during the grading period because the teacher has only 15 to 20 students to meet with over a nine-week period. I observed an advisor who met with students throughout the class day, asking for updates on on-going projects. This sort of focus can come from a narrow focus of one adult on a small group of students.Instead of tests, why not look at the “public school system”and come up with a systemic change? Most of us look atthe child and say, “You need to fit in.” We should be saying,“Let’s measure you by asking you to perform yourunderstanding” (a phrase coined by Howard Gardner, theguru of multiple learning styles).AGAIN, at the Met Center: Tests are by exhibition. A “standup” demonstration of understanding is valued above a written test.The students take the state’s standardized tests and other writtentests, but the school focuses on the exhibition, which is the productof at least nine weeks of work.Why can’t our schools change the focus from a standardized testto work that looks at each individual student’s progress?81 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 82. 5. Video games: There really is something about what ourmothers told us. “If you get too close to that TV, you’ll goblind.” Something inside the head of many 12 year oldsshuts down because the three-dimensions of playing withobjects has been replaced by virtual worlds with simulated 3-D. We don’t really learn more when we have a video game.How can we use technology better? Instead of banningipods, how can we train teachers to use ipods? Manystudents love to listen to music and short messages can beinserted between songs.SummaryHere’s what we’ve learned together…Five ThingsRight and Left: the brain is divided in two parts. Theconnection between the two sides makes a big difference:do you have a thick or thin connection?What Are Our Options? 82
  • 83. REMEDY -- use different styles of communication whentalking with men and women. There’s no simpledifference, but it is often successful to get a man’s fullattention before speaking because he often can focus ononly one thing at a time (while a female brain can often doseveral things at once).PLUSGirls and boys really do learn differently. Shouldn’t theybe taught differently?REMEDY If you can teach girls and boys separately,can that arrangement be explained or supported withevidence from the class? “I really do better when the boysaren’t around.” Many boys will disagree, but many girlsparticipate more in a single gender classroom.EQ or IQ? Emotional Intelligence is more important thanacademic achievement.REMEDY Make time for social skills. (See the list ofquestions at the end of Appendix 4). Just having an A in school is not reason to say, “Oh, everything is fine.” Dig deeper. Set up “what ifs” -- what if Oprah stepped on an elevator with you. What would you say? What charity would you promote? What83 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 84. would you give her?Mentors are needed in schools. The Pentagon requiresparents to spend 8 hours a month in a classroom. Whenwas the last time you volunteered in a classroom?REMEDY If you can’t visit a classroom, find a video cameraand start talking. Go to www.MentorsOnVideo.com forguidelines. Or contact Steve and he’ll turn you into one ofhis Mentors On Video. About FCAT: There are at least seven ways of learning and seven ways of teaching. Shouldn’t there be more than one way of assessing our children’s growth and understanding? REMEDY Learn more about portfolios, work with your principal to set up a portfolio system and volunteer to get started and maintain it. Learn about “performances of understanding” and about Dennis Littky’s work. Get “the big picture.” www.bigpicture.orgVideo games: There really is something about what ourmothers told us. “If you get too close to that TV, you’ll goblind.” Something inside the head of many 12 year oldsshuts down because the three-dimensions of playing withobjects has been replaced by virtual worlds with simulated 3-D. We don’t really learn more when we have a video game.REMEDY Most TV is not educational. Most video gamesare not educational. There is no minimum daily requirementfor training the “game” muscles and reaction time.Simulations can help some students prepare for flightschool, bomb detonation and de-activation, and otherpotentially hostile situations. But there are other skills tobuild and video gaming takes away from time that could bespent learning a language. Why not visit a virtual world andlearn about brot (German), pain (French), pan (Spanish) andpane (Italian)?There are more topics, more research, and more itemsWhat Are Our Options? 84
  • 85. ready for selecting and highlighting. Pat and Steve arealready collecting more topics for you to hear about.What keeps us going? We are here to help each other andwe want to share what we’ve learned. Yes, we appreciatenew audiences, and it’s nice to be compensated for ourtime. Call 954 646 8246 to find out how you can bring ourworkshop to your school.Have you sent an email message to Suzana the English teacherin Curitiba? suzylimab@hotmail.com85 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 86. 9It’s the Size of the School(not the Classroom)An open letter to parents and other potential mentorsThe New Three “R”sBy Steve McCrea, Tutor and MentorI’m a tutor for middle school students, so I often get asked: “Whatshould my child be studying?” “Can you recommend a good website to help him get ahead?” “My child has difficulty reading— can you tutor him?” Parents could present other questions to a teacher: “What should parents be learning?” I would answer, “Did you catch that important speech given by Bill Gates?” In February 2005, Bill Gatesgave a landmark speech at a conference of governorspraising small schools. I missed it, and chances are thatyou did, too, because the speech was overwhelmed by themedia’s focus on the Michael Jackson trial and TerriSchiavo. Here’s the essence of what Gates said:“Successful schools are built on principles that canbe applied anywhere. These are the new three Rs,the basic building blocks of better high schools: Thefirst R is Rigor – making sure all students are given achallenging curriculum that prepares them forcollege or work. The second R is Relevance –making sure kids have courses and projects thatclearly relate to their lives and their goals. The thirdWhat Are Our Options? 86
  • 87. R is Relationships – making sure kids have a numberof adults who know them, look out for them, and pushthem to achieve.” The three Rs are almost always easier to promote in smallerschools. The smaller size gives teachers andstaff the chance to create an environment wherestudents achieve at a higher level and rarely fallthrough the cracks. Students in smaller schools aremore motivated, have higher attendance rates, feelsafer, and graduate and attend college in highernumbers.”Bill GatesFebruary 26, 2005National Education Summit on High SchoolsThe Size of the SchoolLet’s think of an example of a small school that receivespublic money.The most visible schools in our neighborhoods are oftenlarge. That middle school down the street has 800 or1,000 students. Most students in the US (over 60percent) attend high schools that hold more than 1,000students. The five largest high schools in my city eachhave over 1,400 students.What about charter schools? -- those hybrid entities thathave an agreement with the state (a “charter”) to operatewith fewer of the constraints of a typical public school87 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 88. (for example, it’s easier to hire and fire teachers andother staff).There are scores of complaints about charters:- "They dont have a football team"- "They dont have enough students"- "They have to eat lunch in the classroom."- "They dont have a media center."- "The principal of that charter school is from anothercountry and he doesnt understand kids in the USA."- "They have to take a bus to get to a playground orrecess area."- “They are underfunded because they don’t have enoughstudents, so they don’t have enough money.”- “They don’t have enough students so my child doesn’thave enough friends.”- “They score lower than the public schools in thestandardized tests. I want my kid to be in the big schoolwhere the test scores are higher.”- "They ..." (go ahead -- add to the list!)Parents, you can find many reasons to stick with the largeschool that your child currently attends. People will giveyou many reasons to avoid underfunded and mismanagedsmall schools. However, if you agree with Gates, thenjoin the charter school movement and “vote” for asmaller school -- where everyone knows your childsname.I know of a charter school that needs 130 students tohave enough funds to hire two extra assistants and affordbuses for field trips. The school has just over 90students. Each student is “worth” about $500 a month or$5,000 a year in public money (that would otherwise goto a large public school). With 30 more students, thatsover $150,000 that the charter school could use for"additional resources."What Are Our Options? 88
  • 89. Would you like your child to attend a school that hasexpensive buildings and a cafeteria with four seatings (tofeed 400 students at a time)? Or do you want your childin a school that has fewer than 400 students (and theprincipal knows every student)?Most parents with students in a large school didnt hearMr. Gates and his speech. They currently send their kidsto one of the large schools in the area with over 1000students. I wonder if those parents would change theirminds if they knew what Bill Gates said....If you’re looking for a way to have an impact, there’snothing more remarkable or effective than the choice ofschool. Voting has a chance for changing the outcome ofan election (if you join with 10,000 or so other voters).Writing a letter to the mayor or attending a citycommission meeting might make a difference, if you andanother five hundred people show up. Volunteering for abeach clean up might make you feel good about doingsomething for your local environment.However, your child could be one percent of a school.Your child, your “vote,” could shift funding to a smallschool and send a message to the local school district:Gates is right. We need small schools.What should happen to larger schools?The Gates foundation has funded the division of largeschools in New York, L.A. and Chicago into severalsmaller schools. Why not apply that same effort in largeschools everywhere? For parents wanting to heed Mr.Gates’ advice, however, switching to a small school isimmediate. While we petition our school boards topartition large schools, at least some students can beplaced immediately in smaller learning environments.In short, a charter school is an affordable way for your89 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 90. child to get rigor, relevance and relationships in asmall school. To find a charter school in your area, go toyour school district’s web site and look for “Charter.”In Broward County: BrowardSchools.com and click on“School Info.” Then select Charters.In Dade County, dadeschools.net, click on “Schools,” then “School Information” and select Charters. In Palm Beach County, palmbeach.k12.fl.us, then click on the “School Info” button on the horizontal bar, then click on “Charter Schools.” Good searching. Maybe there’s another way of organizing our schools: around individuals, not around the facilities. What tells us how big schools will be? What governs the size of a school? The size of the cafeteria? Or the number of names of parents that a typical principal can remember?What Are Our Options? 90
  • 91. 10ADD – Does It Have to bea Deficit?Let’s start with an overview. The Big Picture.I am a person WITH ADD. ADD is here with me. It is a typeof wiring in my head, but it is not a disease or a negativecondition.I don’t have ADD. It’s not like I can decide, OK, I’m just notgoing to have ADD any more. I have a car and if I try hard, Ican lose the car. The car can be taken away,It’s not like that. I have choices about my attitude and I don’thave to lie back and say, “Please take this condition awayfrom me.” I don’t have to be a victim of ADD.It’s like being 7 feet tall or 88 pounds. There are certain jobsin life that a really tall person doesn’t need to do. Crawlingthrough pipes and working in cramped spaces under a roofor walking in a submarine – OUCH! Those doors are justtoo short for a 7-foot-tall person. And a person who is 4 feettall shouldn’t have to work as a basketball player. It justdoesn’t make sense.So when we think of ADD, we can think of being a personwith a special ability to jump from topic to topic withoutfeeling nervous. The ADD person can do a lot of differentthings in the space of five minutes.There are dozens of books about ADD and we’re going tolook at two of them. They have terrific titles, these bookshave helped us tremendously and we know that you willenjoy hearing about something from them. The first book iscalled “You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?” and thesecond book is called “Answers to Distraction.”91 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 92. So, let’s go through these two books.Let’s take the first book: It’s a thick book, 450 pages!. Now,you don’t have to read the entire book to get somethingvaluable and you can read a part of it deeply to get a lot ofthe purpose of the book. Just look at the title:You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?I know that my mom called me lazy. She’s a teacher so sheknows it’s not right to call someone stupid – so she nevercalled me stupid. But sometimes I would overhear her saythings like, “I’m worried about my boy…” Oh, no. Am Icrazy?This is a terrific title. It tells us that we, the people with ADD,start with some worries. And this book helps us get into it…ADD is a brain style. It’s not a disorder, it’s an ADDEDdimension.Isn’t that cute? ADDed dimension. We can build on this.Now most people say the ADD has three parts:ImpulsiveLack of attentionHyperactiveWhy not approach each part with a new focus?What Are Our Options? 92
  • 93. a. If you are not paying attention, maybe you don’t have a passion for it? It’s not about “Steve is inadequate.” It’s about a poor fit between my strengths and the activity. b. If you are hyperactive, why not get more exercise? c. Impulsive. Sometimes jumping to a new project can be your friend. It can help you make a leap that other people don’t make because they are more methodical. Look at these professions that need this ability:salesbusiness man, entrepreneurcomedyactingwritingteachingparentingscience and design.See pages 6-7 by Kate Kelly and Peggy RamundoAnything that we humans do can be improved by thinkingoutside the box.We just have to know when is a good time to do this.93 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 94. The authors put words together that are helpful. One title isToxic Mental Debris. The viciouscycle of shame, perfectionismand procrastination. Wow. That’s enoughright there. We can see immediately the link between thethree of them. Let’s talk about it.ShameI’m going to get it right… I’ll get it REALLY REALLY right.Later… I’ll get it done…Then back to shame…Here’s another tip. Build a foundationEatingSleepingFocus the mind (some people call it sitting quietly or“Meditation”)Exercise andPlay.If you can balance all of those 5 parts, then you can make astrong foundation.If something feels like a mountain, with a big obstacle, treat itlike a mountain.You can’t run up the mountain in one hour. You need topace yourself, walk a little bit of it each hour. So if yourwork feels like a mountain, attack it a little at a time the wayyou would try to get over a mountain.What Are Our Options? 94
  • 95. Your basic first aid plan for overwhelmWow. Here we go. 1. Don’t push through it. Take a step back. Exercise, walk, breathe deeply. 2. Check with yourself. 3. Maybe doing something that is more fun or routine can help get you in the mood to do the difficult work. Do an easy job first. Clean the kitchen? 4. Check with yourself again… now are you ready? Do you feel less overwhelmed?=======================The next book is called Answers to Distraction.There is an expression called “I was driven to distraction byhis shouting.” The noise distracted me. There are Answersto distraction.Two key areas in this book jumped out to me.FIRSTChapter 13 talks about the genetic foundation of ADD.Hmm, why is it that there are so many people with ADD inthe USA and so few in Europe and Asia? Here’s aninteresting theory: Imagine our ancestors were living inFrance or Japan. Societies in Europe and Asia have longtraditions and many rules to follow. Anyone who wanted tothink outside the box was put in prison or sent to thecolonies where there was more space and fewerrestrictions. It makes sense that the colonies will have morepeople who are flexible and don’t’ like rules. The USA is avery mobile society and many people don’t thrive well in asociety with many rules.95 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 96. Idaho leads the nation in diagnoses of ADD on a per-capitabasis. “Don’t fence me in” is certainly a motto that manypeople live by in that area.SECOND What are some things to do to handle ADD?Exercise is a KEY way to balance the brain and help it focus.Do a little exercise and you will focus better. This book has a list of 25 tips for managing ADD in families (including Focus on the Positive, tip number 13 of page 304. Family therapists often say “Can we reframe that?” -- can we put this negative situation in a positive way? There’s a list of 50 tips, and tip number 11 says, “Know yourself and allow yourself to find a career that suits you. Don’t settle for a conventionalcareer.”Great idea. It turns out that I have three part time careers:DVD producer, SAT tutor and English teacher for adults. Iwork a little in each direction each week and I keep my focusin each area.==============So what is the bottom line about ADD?It’s an added dimension and it can be a challenge. But thedifferent way of “brain wiring” will help us with an interestingway of life. We’re not crazy, we’re not stupid, we’re notlazy. We are hard working, smart and bright eyed people. Ifyou would like to discuss the positive aspects of thisconversation, call us or send us email.What Are Our Options? 96
  • 97. Some More Tips About ADHD or Attention DeficitWe need to talk with an experienced mentor and get some “Tipsabout Attention Deficit.” We need mentoring for Attention DeficitThis is an ADD workshop with tips from a survivor.This is a discussion of ADD or ADHD for children and adults, noone is excluded.What is true for you?Here’s what’s true for me. I was 32 years old when someonelabeled me ADD. I responded by reframing. I have a tremendousability to focus when I like a subject, so I have a VariableAttention Ability, or VAA. The doctor offered me Ritalin and Itook it for two months. Then I heard about the alternatives thatyou will hear about here.This book opens me up to other possibilities.I wonder if calling a child “ADD” is actually a hate crime. Whatif we told a parent that her son is crippled and unable to competewith the rest of the class?Is it a hate crime for a teacher to tell another teacher that “JohnDoe has ADD”?Second teacher: “Oh, no!”First teacher: “You won’t be able to teach your class!”97 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 98. Second teacher: “His file is HUGE!”First teacher: “I’m glad he’s not in MY class!”REMEDY: Can we try some “reframing” here?How did you hear about ADD?When did you first hear the words Attention Deficit Disorder?What did you feel when you hear those words?It’s a label.Can we reframe this situation?What is our attitude when we hear the words “Deficit Disorder”?Can we create hope? Can we find hope here?One of the books we looked at is called “ADD, Reality, Myth,Controversy and Treatment”Let’s put this in terms that parents can understand.Parents are overwhelmed.Let’s REFRAME:“I have a learning style” or “Your child has a learning difference.”Many people have ADD and they are embarrassed. They carryshame. They aren’t looking at the benefits of the different wiringof the mind.Let’s think of people who work in professions where it’s okay tomake spelling errors.What Are Our Options? 98
  • 99. Car Sales – someone who generates work and accomplishes goalswith his voice, not by writing.“The Broadcaster” is a confidant child in second grade who lovesto pretend to be a nightly news reader. He’s a Risk Taker and he ison the bad side of several of his teachers.He says about one of his teachers: “She hurt me.”She singles me out . Even if it is not me, she doesn’t say she issorry. She doesn’t model what is expected.Teachers have a golden opportunity to use a new label forADD. When you have a student in your class who has ADD, you can change the environment by changing the words and by talking about the positive aspects of VAA. TO BEGINNING TEACHERS: Why not reframe every “deficit” that you find with a child? Long-Time Teacher: “I’ve been here too long. I only see the negatives.” Why not make space for a square peg? We need to integrate the student.There’s a dark side and a bright side to ADDLET’S INTERRUPT THE CRAZINESS.Pat:I remember that when I was a child. My class was preparing for aschool play. I was worried. A teacher told me, “I know you cando it.”The ideal school play is a place where the room is accepting. Theaudience gives the feeling that you aren’t being judged, it’s okay toforget a line.99 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 100. This CD is about changing our frame of reference.Here’s an exampleHappy Feet, the movie about penguins. In the story, each penguin has its own song.The young male sings and the young female is attracted to hissong. Then she sings her song. When the baby penguin is born,then the baby learns the mom’s and dad’s songs so that the babycan find them (in case they are separated).The penguin with happy feet is ADD because he doesn’t fit in withwhat is “normal” and he gets a bit distracted. But he also turns outto be the force that saves the colony (because of his out-of-the-boxbehavior).Let’s ask:How can this potential be used in this situation to help thestudent?Steve:TIP FROM A SURVIVOR: I’m lucky because I’m a survivor.I’m married to someone who accepts the differences and nurturesme. My ADD is not a liability.ADD loves laughter, stimulation. The kids in the back of theroom who are not paying attention and who are bored, they createjokes. They are practicing for their future employment ascomedians and performance artists.What Are Our Options? 100
  • 101. ADD is not a disease – but some people might not feel “at ease.”ADD is an ability.Let’s deflate the SAT and deflate the FCAT tests.Remember that a lot of feelings are not real. Feelings have to dealwith how we change our thoughts. What a man thinketh, so is he.What tools can we put in place?The ADD person needs a certain amount of order – but is often toolazy to create the place. Each item has a special place.It’s not “clean up your room.” It’s “we need a certain amount oforder and stuff needs to be placed in their right place. Then we canfind the things when we need them.”One of the delightful symptoms of ADD is the delight that theperson finds in something new. The ADD person can begin theday with a blank sheet.Imagine sitting for six hours in a classroom. It’s tough. So whynot rearrange the room, restructure, move the students to a newroom?A teacher with ADD uses new teaching strategies.What can I add or change?What could I do, where can I take the kids?Run aroundA snackGo for a walk around the buildingHere’s another exampleLet’s look at the title of these books. Driven to Distraction.You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid, or crazy?”Let’s imagine for a moment what it was like to come up with a titlelike that.What experiences did the authors have before they were inspired towrite under that title?That’s what makes this book so interesting. We can change theway we look at the situation, despite what people say about us.Boy, you are lazy!101 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 102. Are you stupid? Can’t you read?Is there something wrong with you? Why can’t you be like theother children in this room? Why are you running around, why isyour mouth still moving? Why are you so distracted?That was the environment for those authors. Now they haveREFRAMING.What can we do? What can we learn from this book?REMEDY: Let’s be patient.First, let’s wait before we give a name to something. Don’t labeltoo quickly.Let’s get a correct diagnosis. Is there a learning disability? Isthere a learning difference? Does the child need glasses?Keep in mind that this material is being presented as a workshop aswell as in a book form. Some of these sentences read more easilyif you imagine that you hear them in a workshop.We need to meet people and establish relationships. REMEDY: Let’s think of another Remedy:Build a support system.What can we do to support the child with ADD?If you are an adult with ADD, who can be part of your supportsystem?Can we laugh about this situation?Can we use this to our advantage?If you have control over your time, can you arrange your work soyou work when you are most focused?There are over 50 ways to improve your control over ADD,compiled by Dr. Hallowell, the author of Driven to Distraction. Herecommends exercising to stimulate the mind and get the body inmotion…to help the mind “on track.” The effect lasts for severalhours for many people. Some teachers have a trick: send theADD students on errands. The student needs a break from seatedclass work. It might take two or three minutes for a child to take aWhat Are Our Options? 102
  • 103. note to a nearby classroom and return with the reply – and that’sthe mini-break that the student needs to get back on task.REMEDY: Create a way to remind yourself. Yes, you aredifferent and let’s celebrate the differences. It also means that youhave to wake up earlier or go to bed earlier or make time toorganize, perhaps a schedule that’s different from the other peoplein your home. It’s okay.REMEDY: Ask for help.When the help doesn’t come, find another source of assistance.Build a team.Books tell us that people with ADD tend to have addictions. Wehave addictive personalities and we obsess. Well, let’s obsesspositively!I remember focusing on dinosaurs. I had to learn the name, thefood that they preferred, the height and length of every dinosaur.What did their Greek names mean?If you obsess, that’s okay! It’s called getting serious aboutsomething, passionate about something.REMEDY: Look for stories. ADD people sometimes wander,but many of us love stories.103 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 104. Teachers and Parents are constantly worrying: “How will this boysurvive in the real world? How will he remember to arrive on timewith a pen and paper? How will he get through college?”“How will this child adapt to working 9 to 5? He can barely get toschool on time!”Well, we are preparing children for the real world and the realworld, according to the Wall Street Journal, is a place of stunningvariety. Yes, there are jobs that require 9 to 5 punctuality. But“only about 30% of American workers have a standardworkday schedule, 40 hours per week, during the day, Mondayto Friday.” (Wall Street Journal, November 2006).Let’s look at the big picture: School was organized 200 years agoto create a work force that could handle the needs of the industrialera. Conformity and punctuality, working within the corporationand participating in the top-down decision making, “followinstructions” and stay between the lines. Schools in the 1950s to1970s performed this function well, as described by Dan Pink inhis analysis of Left-Brained organizations (order and procedure areimportant for the left brain).In a right-brained society, the artist flourishes. There aredeadlines, hierarchies and procedures, but the big picture is givenmore importance. A right-brained organization looks at theindividual and sees if there is a position to fit the person, ratherthan expecting the person to conform to the job. Flexiblescheduling, working from home, freelance consulting, andmultiple bosses (matrix job assignments) are all part of theWhat Are Our Options? 104
  • 105. evolving work environment. Rather than a job, people arepreparing for multiple and simultaneous careers. When there’s amovie project, freelancers come together for eight to twentyweeks, working on various stages of the production, and move onto other projects. This fluid or seasonal work turns people intofrom “components of a larger organization” into “free agents,”cooperating as needed and when possible.The ADD person will tend to function better in a right-brainedorganization or situation. Dan Pink’s clarion call is “the old-stylecorporation” or organization is giving way to more freelance work,creating more opportunities for flexible workers. The ADD personmight fit better in the role of consultant than in the role of officeworker. Seasonal work and short-term projects might be a betterfit with the wiring of the brains of people with ADD. In otherwords, the world is shifting to appreciate the gifts of the personwith ADD – so why not adjust our schools?REMEDY: For students who want and thrive in an orderedenvironment that has long lead times and a set structure, don’tchange a thing. Those students are currently doing well in thedefined structure of the typical school.The alternative that some students enjoy is flexibility. Somealternative high schools allow students to decide, day to day, whatsubjects they will work on. Look at the typical home schoolingcalendar. Parents who lead their children through coursework canoften allow the child to follow an interest instead of markingsequentially through a curriculum. Schools operated by DennisLittky, using the Big Picture small-school philosophy, focus onworking with one student at a time. Students have individuallearning plans that operate within the structure of a common lessonplan for the class. Adequate time for one-on-one time betweenteacher and student and long-term relationships make it possiblefor the teacher to know well the needs of students. The typical 9thgrader at Littky’s Met Center school in Providence, Rhode Island,stays with the same teacher for four years and that teacher visitsthe student’s house at least once a year. Say that again: theteacher visits the student’s home. What kind of individualrelationship and guidance can develop from such a situation?These procedures and remedies will not work for all students andcertainly some students with ADD learn how to function within thetypical big-box school. The person with ADD has choices. That105 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 106. big high school has a fine reputation, but a small school, perhaps acharter school or home schooling, might be worth investigating.The purpose of this chapter and presentation is to remind you that you have options. The special wiring of the ADD brain is in fact a gift. The person does not like long programs, the person likes to focus on subjects that are interesting and then move on to something else. The quick-minded agility of the ADD is well-suited to improvisation, not the maintenance and sustaining activities that many corporations require. The ADD mind is one of the “whole new minds” that Daniel Pink writes about. What can we do to prepare the ADD mind for “the real world”? What skills areneeded to act as a free agent and what disciplines are not needed?Sitting still for 45 minutes might not be a job skill that RobinWilliams or Chris Rock need. Writing about a subject that theteacher assigns might not be what Wanda Miles or othercomedians needed. They wanted to write about something thatmeans something to them. Luther Campbell, Ludacris, and otherrap stars compose their own lyrics, with they own spelling systems,and they problaby scored poorly in school on spelling tests.Perhaps spelling is not a primary skill for the future wherespellcheckers will be readily available in most situations. The onlyskill to be tested is “Did you take time to find a spell checker?”rather than “do you know how to spell this word?”We started this presentation with the intent of give some tips topeople with ADD or for teahers and parents who live with youngpeople who are struggling with this unusual (and valuable) wiringin the brain. The ADD brain can become despondent or it canbreak away from convention and find a refreshing way of lookingat something that is ordinary or usual. Think of any industry thatcould benefit from a fresh approach (fashion, technology, foodproducts, customer service) and we see potential for tapping theADD brain. This presentation aimed ot give you some tips andnow we want to add a clarion call for action: stand up to protectWhat Are Our Options? 106
  • 107. the originality of the ADD mind. At the same time, let’s buildsupport teams and protections to help the ADD from becomingisolated, afraid and alone. The person with ADD is not a freak,but rather a new species to nurture. Let’s show them how to beless annoying and how to use their creativity to support all of us.What can teachers, parents and students do to enhance the lives ofchildren with A D D? … include more flexibility in the schedule. Only about 30 percent of American workers have a “standard” workday schedule: 40 hours a week, during the day, Monday to Friday. …Evenings and some weekends are a growing part of workers’ schedules. Source: Teresa Rivas, “Atypical Workdays Becoming Routine,” Wall Street Journal.107 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 108. 11A Letter From the HeartFrom the heart of a teenagerA letter to parents teachers friends and significant others in the lifeof a teenager…From the heart of an adolescentFirst of all, you can’t change me. I am who I am. Just me. Nocarbon copies.Treat me with respect -- in other words, treat me the way you wantto be treated. There’s an old saying that I find not to be true:“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but talk doesn’t botherme.”This is not my truth – negative talk does bother me. That’s myreality. Words hurt more than sticks and stones because the wordskeep running inside my head.Mom, dad, teacher, friends of the family -- negative talk, teasing,cracking, they all create hurt and anger. I put up my walls, shutdown and you wonder why we can’t communicate.I learned early on how to protect myself from undue pain. Thewalls that I refer to are the walls around my heart.I’ve made an inner vow. I will never, ever let you get close to me.Why? Because I’m afraid of being hurt again.I’ve seen what you do to other people, I remember what you did tome or what other adults did to me.The walls that I refer are my walls of emotional protection, whichhave become my jail.I feel isolated and ashamed. I’m lonely.What Are Our Options? 108
  • 109. Negative Self TalkI’ve learned to criticize myself. I am starting to do to myself whatothers have done to me. Inside me is this tape recorder in my head.It keeps going on and on.I want to learn how to interrupt this process….I am learning how to press the pause button or finally the stopbutton.When using the computer I hit the delete button. I can learn to dothe same thing with those negative self-talk tapes. When I learn torelease myself, I can release others. I am free. I don’t have the fear of being hurt. I don’t need to criticize or talk down to others. I tend to hurt others, because I treat others the way I was treated. But I can change that. Forgiveness starts with me. I need to forgive myself and others that hurt me or caused me pain. I am free.109 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 110. Reply from the Heart of a ParentMy child, I refuse to do to you what was done to me. It is time forthis family to heal.Enough is enough Break the chain.I recognize the good in you. Your kindness, your concern forothers.I use words that can be helpful. I tell you, “Try it again, Takeyour time. You will get it.”I encourage you by asking, “Hey, child, did you think aboutanother way to do this? Or maybe we can get some help withthis.”The mind is a computer and I know that you can re-experiencethings. You will re-experience like it happened to you yesterday,and it can be one of your pet peeves.I hear you saying, “Just let me talk, listen to me. Just listen.” So,I will listen.What Are Our Options? 110
  • 111. Some Notes From a Family TherapistDon’t try to fix the teen’s problem. That affects her integrity.I don’t give clients answers I don’t give clients the solutions, I letthem talk. Here’s what your teen is saying How can you help me to learn problem solving skills. Let me come up with some resolutions. Don’t give me solutions. Just listen. 1. What is the problem? 2. Whose problem is it? 3. What are the options?111 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 112. Appendix 1A Check List for WritingDear Parents,Have you been looking for a way to judge your child’swriting? Here’s a checklist (called a “rubric”) and we’ll seewhat happens…. Go ahead, try it … read one of your child’sessays and apply the checklist. Ask your child to use thechecklist and ask if it helps.=====================Rubric Checklist for EssaysA rubric is a set of criteria used by a teacher to evaluatea paper. What makes a good paper, what makes a paperthat needs more work? What can the student do toimprove the essay?1. Do pronouns (it, they, he) point to a specific person orthing? Is it clear?The dog went to into the cat’s house and ate its food.My dog saw the dead mouse, sat next to the paper plate andate it.Strunk and White. The little bookhttp://www.bartleby.com/141/strunk.html2. Use appropriate examples to develop the point of view.3. Is there a progression of ideas? Is there enoughsupport for these ideas?4. Show critical thinking. Do you show a complexargument that looks at the issue from more than oneviewpoint?What Are Our Options? 112
  • 113. 5. Skillful use of language (it’s important to have the visionthing.) Is the vocabulary appropriate? (When raising theinternal core temperature of the soft water-flouramalgamation, it is important to engage adequate insulationby using a ceramic device.)6. Is the essay coherent? Is the essay consistent? Is itorganized and focused?Or is it disjointed and incoherent?7. Is there variety in the sentence structure? Is thesentence structure correct?This situation is something up with which I will not put.8. Conclusion covers the entire essayTeachers can point out important words to studyWe can’t always teach you a trick to remember those wordsASK YOUR CHILD: I invite you to perform yourunderstanding of at least one word.Vicarious = a vicar or a bishop who can’t enjoy a trip toTahiti (no money) has a vicarious experience by looking atvideos and by talking with someone who went there.You can use this “rubric” to check your child’s ever-improving skills as a writer. If you wish more input, write tosteveenglishteacher@hotmail.com113 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 114. Appendix 2Distorted ThinkingThe Fifteen Ways that we sometimes use to distort ourthinking…Fifteen Styles of Distorted Thinking1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnifythem while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation.2. Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good orbad. You have to be perfect or youre a failure. There is nomiddle ground.3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusionbased on a single incident or piece of evidence. If somethingbad happens once you expect it to happen over and overagain.4. Mind Reading: Without their saying so you know whatpeople are feeling and why they act the way they do. Inparticular, you are able to divine how people are feelingtoward you.5. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice orhear about a problem and start "what ifs": What if tragedystrikes? What if it happens to you?6. Personalization: Thinking that everything people do orsay is some kind of reaction to you. You also compareyourself to others, trying to determine whos smarter, betterlooking, etc.7. Control Fallacies: If you feel externally controlled, yousee yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy orinternal control has you responsible for the pain andhappiness of everyone around you.8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because youthink you know whats fair but other people wont agree withyou.9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for yourpain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for everyproblem or reversal.10. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about howWhat Are Our Options? 114
  • 115. you and other people should act. People who break the rulesanger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules.11. Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feelmust be true - automatically. If you feel stupid and boring,then you must be stupid and boring.12. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people willchange to suit you if you just pressure or cajole themenough. You need to change people because your hopes forhappiness seem to depend entirely on them.13. Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualitiesinto a negative globa1 judgment.14. Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove thatyour opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong isunthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrateyour rightness.15. Heavens Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrificeand self-denial to payoff, as if there were someone keepingscore. You feel bitter when the reward doesnt come.Resource: Morgan Edwinson, MS________________________________________From Fifty Plus Fitness AssociationBox 20230 Stanford, CA 94309A Non profit 501 (c)(3) Corporation50plus.org/libraryitems/1_11Fifteen_Styles.htm115 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 116. Appendix 3The Audio LettersEach of these audio letters is three or four minutes long.After listening to some of the “letters from the heart,” you canstart to imagine what life looks like from another person’spoint of view. I am updating these “letters from the heart”and some of them are posted on my web site at Pat-Harris.com. You are invited to contact me to obtain theletters that I’ve recorded on CD. Why not listen to them andhear the voices of each heart? Widen your perspective.A letter from the heart of a teenagerA letter from the heart of …A teacherA principalA bullyA victim of a bullyA lonely studentA popular studentThe leader of the packThe nerdThe class clownThe school receptionistThe school expertsThe family therapistA tutorA mentorWhat Are Our Options? 116
  • 117. FAMILY An aunt An uncle A grandmother A grandfather A single mother A single father An unwed mother A divorced mother A divorced father An older sister An older brother A younger sister A younger brother An adult without children An adult with ADD A child with ADD A child who is bipolar An adult who is bipolarA child with a sibling who is disabledAn adult with a child who is disabledA disabled childA disabled adultAs you can see, there are hundreds of topics for an audioletter. There are hundreds of stories from the heart. I haverecorded some of these audio letters for audio CD.117 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 118. LASSIEThere are five ways to open a door and find success:LA S S I ELAnguage +++School workSocial Skills +++Inherited abilities, resources and materialsExperience +++Or you can write Language, Academics, Social Skills,Inheritance and Experience. If your parents don’t own acompany and if you didn’t do well in school, you still havethree ways to open doors.The categories marked with “+++” turn out to be moreimportant than the other two for many people. Money canbe lost and how well you did on the SAT doesn’t mattermuch a year after you left high school.Let’s re-read the “Courage” poem:Courage comes from the soul within,The man must furnish the will to win (socialskill).So figure it out for yourself, my lad,You were born with all the great have hadWith your equipment they all beganWhat Are Our Options? 118
  • 119. Get hold of yourself and say, “I can!” (learnanother language and obtain the needed experience tosucceed).(Author: Edgar Guest) I face this problem each week. I get calls from distraughtparents who want me to quickly tutor the child (“help mychild with his homework”) and prepare the child for a test. Iprefer to deal with the cause ("theres one way to learn andits my way"), not the symptom (F in the mid-term exam).How important are each of these components?Language +++ 15% (get a second language)Academics 6% (according to Dan Pink)Social Skills +++ 60%Inherited abilities, resources and materials 7%Experience +++ 12% (Success comes from just showingup!)Instead of focusing on the 6% of academics, why not focuson the missing 60% (social skills).If you can’t find a school where you can apply the ideasin this book, keep looking… and until you find a smallschool, continue to think positively.=========119 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 120. A short course in “How toPrepare for a Fabulous SchoolYear”What are some questions that a parent or a studentor a teacher can ask?How can we improve our schools by askingquestions?1. Video players and cameras in the classroomVideos in the classroom can be used to teach and explain andextend lessons. Video cameras in the classroom allow students toperform their understanding, to make a record of their grasp of anissue. Cameras are essential for speedy language learning.Cameras bring passion into a class for students who “just aren’tinterested” in a subject. “Oh, can I hold the camera?”Is there a camera ready to catch a teacher when a student wants aclarification? “Wait, I want to get your answer on a CD.”2. Magazines and NewspapersIs there a newspaper in the classroom every day? Do students cutup and save articles? Do teachers use newspapers that are onemonth or two months old?Do students assemble bulletin boards with newspaper articles?Do students take time each week to look at the week’s bulletinboard?Are the bulletin boards photographed so you can look back at 36weeks of news stories for your year book?What Are Our Options? 120
  • 121. What was happening outside the school during the year?3. Extra LanguagesAre there language signs on every door?Are other languages celebrated?Is every teacher learning another language – currently?Are we all setting an example?Do we know how to give directions in at least one other language?Go straight, todo derecho, turn right, doble a la derecha, left,izquierda, para, stop, seis miles, diez kiLOmetros.Can we convert to other measurements, are we in the head of othercultures and nationalities?Push, pull, empujer, Jale, pousser, puxe, ziehen, what is PULL inArabic?Are videos available to take home to practice that month’spassionate language?Does the principal and do the teachers sometimes say words orphrases in other languages?Is the news available in other languages for students to study onvideo or DVD?4. Maps and PostersDoes anyone know where Bangalore is?Are posters from other countries changed at least once a week?Do students bring in posters that they’ve requested fromembassies?Do students quiz each other about the main cities of othercountries? “Almost everyone know that New Delhi is the capitalof India, but name five other important cities, where they arelocated and what they are famous for.” Bangalore, Mumbai,Kalkuta, Pondicherry, Ajar. (there are errors there… can you findthe errors?)5. Discovery ZoneIs there a room where it’s safe to open, unlock, take apart and putback together stuff and broken objects?Is there a video camera and video tape or CDs available to recordthe discoveries?Is there a library where we can review past discoveries?What happens when an egg rots?Where do the flies come from?Where does the mold come from?121 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 122. 6. A different way homeAre students encouraged to use their other hand when openingdoors?Pretend to have a broken hand and write with the other hand.Can you write upside down?Can we write notes to each other that are artistic or nice to look at?For people who don’t like their handwriting, are their typewritersspaced in every classroom or in hallways so that notes can betyped?So what if they are manual typewriters.Are there colored pens in every corner so everyone can make anice looking note if they want to? 7. Anger Management Does your school have an anger management plan? Does your home have a plan for managing anger? Or does anger manage you? Do you have Pat Harris’ CD about anger management? What is Pat’s web site? Remember the hyphen -- the little dash! pat-harris.com 8. Hallways and doors Do the hallways teach? Do students help createthe hallways?What lesson or quotation is on the door? Is it replaced? Doesevery door have PUSH and PULL in 8 languages?9. Media in each classroom. Computers in each classroomAre there web sites on CD available whenever the Internet is notavailable?What Are Our Options? 122
  • 123. 10. Emotional IntelligenceIs Emotional IQ valued more than academic IQ?11. Multiple IntelligencesAsk a teacher, “what is a performance of understanding? I hearthat it’s something that Howard Gardner talks about. Please sendme a note home, maybe to every parent, to describe how youintegrate performances of understanding in your classroomassessment.”If the teacher stares at you blankly, say, “a comedian like RobinWilliams was bored in class, he sat in the back and did not do wellon low. Yet he has one of the largest vocabularies of any personon the planet. How does your grading system rate a young RobinWilliams? If it rewards him for his gifts, then it’s a good gradingsystem.”12. SuppliesAre there plenty of paper supplies and pens?Is it okay to sometimes draw your answer instead of writingsentences, maybe making a rebus in an artistic way?If there are multiple ways of learning, are there multiple ways ofteaching?And multiple ways of assessing or testing the students’understanding?Since job interviews are not identical, are your classroom testsadapted to the student?13. Technology out of the classroomDo teachers send home video letters at least once ever six weeks?To show the parents what the children are learning so the parentscan participate in class, too?Are parents encouraged to continue to learn, setting an example tothe students?14. Passion and interestIs the curriculum flexible enough to include a student’s interestsand passions?What is your method of detecting passion and then integratingthose passions in the lesson plan?15. ExcitementDo students enjoy coming to school?Do they look forward to the next week?123 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 124. 16. Stay in contact with former studentsIs there an alumni office?Can your child find a friend from three years ago?Can your child register an email address and invite friends tocontact him or her?Can your child know that 15 years from now that the school willstill be there, will still be keeping records of other students andteachers?Is there a commitment through time?Is the alumni office posted and is there an inviting message on theweb site or poster of the office?Does the school stay in contact with a student who leaves theschool early or doesn’t finish a grade?17. Summer camp or a cruise shipDoes the school remind you of summer camp? In a positive way?Are there adventures each week? 18. Fear of Technology Do most teachers fear technology. (What do you think?) Most of us have fear of change. How do we use our fear to find our “inner expert”? How can we manage our fear of technology? Can you think of five excuses for avoiding technology? How will your classroom change to make technology a center of your teaching? This seminar comes with the guarantee of Three follow-upvisitsOne week, one month and 90 days later.What are your teachers’ excuses for not sending home a video ornot testing some kids with a video camera and a performance ofunderstanding?What Are Our Options? 124
  • 125. Mr. Mac, you are dreaming.Mr. Mac, you need to take your medicine.Mr. Mac, you are unrealistic.I look forward to expanding this list and I invite your suggestions.Mr. Macmistermath@comcast.net954 646 8246Please visit DemocracyBonds.com and write a letter to a politicianabout a subject that really makes you glad to be alive, since you arehere to say something about it to someone.If you are looking for a math mentor, wy not start by hosting aMath Party? Here are some web pages for math fun:math.la.asu.edu/~kuang/AppliedMathParty.htmlBryn Mawr College Mathematics Departmentwww.brynmawr.edu/math/activities/MathParty02.htmlMath Party at ScriptSearch.com [ID# 6991]www.scriptsearch.com/details/6991.htmlmath party picture - Webshotscommunity.webshots.com/photo/369506627/369514418cITcMKLets Have a Math Party!glc.k12.ga.us/BuilderV03/LPTools/LPShared/lpdisplay.asp?LPID=11105G4 - X-Play - Math Partywww.g4tv.com/xplay/episodes/3343/Math_Party.html - Similar pagesGamingforce Interactive Forums - Math Party!www.gamingforce.com/forums/ archive/index.php/t-47470.html - 25k –Math Party Science Party Life in the Oceans...www.wonderama.org/scienceparty2.htmwww.mathcats.com/grownupcats/ideabankactivities.html125 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 126. Some links for you to use with your teen.You can reach all of these links at www.ResolveToHeal.com(that’s right: just go to my web site and you just have to click toreach these links).Academic supportFree FCAT tips and practice: www.newFCAT.comVisual Learning Methods: www.visualandactive.comDo you need a challenge?: www.LookForPatterns.comGifted Children: www.gifteddevelopment.comVocabulary support: www.FreeVocabulary.comMore AdviceInformation about the Multiple Ways of Learning (show thisinformation to the teachers who claim “I taught the lesson and yourchild didn’t get it.”)www.ldpride.net/learningstyles.MI.htmEmotional Intelligence (65 percent of success in life):www.6seconds.orgInformation about Visual-3-D Learning Style www.visual-spatial.orgGifted Children: www.giftedDevelopment.com Information about Dyslexia (and other Learning Differences LD) LDpride.netWhat Are Our Options? 126
  • 127. Invite me to a future PTAmeeting.Let me engage your members ina free mini-workshop tailored tomeet your goals.What “group-building” exercisedo you need?Sample topics:• How to help your child find her passion• Five strategies to help you help your studentwith FCAT and SAT.• How to become a mentor in class (even if youcan’t go to the school) (“Mentors on Video”program) • How to safely use the Internet to find useful educational sites (including free audio letters from a family therapist) Or your special topic (call me to develop a special program for your group) Pat Harris, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Free Audio Letters on the Internet: Pat-Harris.com127 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 128. News item: Student, 9, phones in false gun report to 911AngerFearShock“My child would neverdo that!”Oh? Have you ever told a lie? What circumstances“caused you” to make the lie? What distortedthinking in your mind allowed you to be false? If ithappened to you, could it happen to your child?What Are Our Options? 128
  • 129. 1. The brain’s area of judgment is not fully formed until after age 17.2. Even then, people say, “I don’t know what I was thinking.”3. Some force in this child moved him to creatively come up with this method of “making things happen.”4. What can we do to teacher kids to listen to the “editor” and the “controller” inside us?5. What can we do to engage the passion of children so that they use their energy for “the good”? In this case, is the boy bored? Did he want a distraction because he hadn’t studied for a test? 6. Beyond consequences:Can we all learn from yes, the boy needs athis episode? punishment to remind him of this moment. What is inHow can we grow his future? Can the boybeyond consequences? who cried “wolf” have a new challenge? Use theWhat is the next telephone to create schoollesson? How can we spirit? Double turn-out attrain our children to the next PTA meeting? Helisten to their wants to learn how to makeconsciences? things happen. What challenges can his teachersCan we teach through give him so that he directsour own mistakes? his imagination toCan we teach through something positive for himlove, not fear? and his community?
  • 130. Workshops by Resolve To HealThe “Five Pack” aboutAnger Management 1. Anger Management for Teens 25 minutes 2. A Talk with Parents about Anger Management 25 minutes 3. Follow-up with Teens 25 minutes 4. Follow-up with Parents 25 minutes 5. For Teachers: Suggestions on how to use the “Pat Harris” CD and web site 20 minutesWhat Are Our Options? 130
  • 131. This package of five seminars is supported by videotapes forreview and for people who couldn’t participate in the workshops.The program supports a school’s efforts toaccomplish the goals of the School ImprovementPlan. Schools under pressure to perform often need atherapeutic “consensus-building” exercise – and thisworkshop series offers your organization a three-sided approach: students, parents and teachers eachreceive the central message: Does Anger ManageYou or Do You Manage Your Anger?The “Five Pack” Includes:The Pat Harris CD (20 copies, with a license to allow the school tomake a copy for each student and teacher)One Videotape copy of the workshops(DVD $10 extra)10 copies of “7 Tips for Parents and Students”Bonus: The “More Technology” CD series of 4 CDs is included,with Mr. Mac’s “Visual and Active Test Preparation” videos onCD and “Words for MP3” (digital vocabulary building for yourstudents who listen to mp3 players like the iPod).Other topicsTraumaTalk to the Single ParentPositive Self-TalksAnti-Bullying“Stuck in the Middle” – a guide for parents of adolescentsA Letter From the Heart of a Teenager (to Parents, Guardians,Teachers and other Significant Adults in the life of an adolescent)A Letter to Adolescents
  • 132. Grades or Gratitude?What are the doors that lead to success? What skills do we learnthat open those doors? Most teachers and many parents point to“staying in school.” But just completing aschool curriculum doesn’t guarantee success.How many graduates say, “I’m still looking formy purpose in life”?According to Daniel Goleman, author of“Emotional Intelligence,” academics play asmaller role than most people claim. His book documents theimportance of social skills (EQ) over the influence of IQ. It’s notwhat you know or your capacity to learn, but rather how youmotivate others and your attitude toward the challenges thatpresent themselves. Having great test scores means little if youcan’t live the aphorism, “Don’t sweat the small stuff… and it’sall small stuff.”When asked what they look for in an employee, employers oftenmention competence, training and technical skills (often not“ability to work with others”), yet employees get promoted basedon their ability to work on a team.Many parents believe that “doing well in school” is the single mostimportant factor to a child’s success. But what does it mean to dowell? Students who score well on tests don’t always have thesocial skills that employers are looking for.Standardized tests might open doors, but social skills likeanswering telephones with a clear voice and looking people in theeye are necessary for keeping a job.Dan Pink in A Whole New Mind asks “how much influence do testscores have on a person’s achievements in life?” His argument isthat there are other skills in a global economy that are far moreimportant than how well you do in a class ranking. Few employerswill ask for your grade point average or SAT score, but most willbe interested in seeing how you handle yourself in an interview.What Are Our Options? 132
  • 133. What are the doors to success?L anguage: Knowing a second of third language opens doors in the globalmarket, let’s say 10 to 15%.Academics: 6%Social Skills 65%Inherited contacts or money can open doors, too, perhaps as much as 10%.Experience gained from volunteering or through intern positions can be moreimportant than any skill learned in school, perhaps as much as 20% (WoodyAllen claimed that 80% of success is just showing up, indicating a mixture ofsocial skills and just plain work experience)The acronym LASSIE is helpful in this discussion. Wecan argue about the percentages. In some societies,inherited opportunities and connections open access tosome jobs. But the argument here is to look at the longterm: What skills are needed to thrive in a career?Daniel Goleman points to social skills – your academicsand your uncle’s influence might have won you theappointment, but how did you perform as a member ofthe team? Having a second language and whateverexperience you brought to the job also helped – but themost critical skill involves your Emotional Intelligence.Using LASSIE as a framework for discussion, we canspread the responsibility for failure over other possiblecauses, not just “I’m dumb” or “I don’t take tests verywell” or “I’m just not talented.” We can’t do much aboutwhat we inherit (about 4% of the total) and how we didin school last year (the past can’t be changed), but 84 to90% of the doors of opportunity can stand open to us.With a bit of effort, we can learn another language,improve social skills, and gain experience just byexerting enthusiasm and curiosity. Perhaps the future isnot etched in stone, perhaps we can see another path toachieve a goal and pursue a passion besides throughschooling.133 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 134. Let’s begin with three questions a) What is your purpose for being at your school? Why are you here? b) How can you help the school this year? How can you be an asset to the school? c) What can you do to have a successful school year? What is your action plan? Notice the content of these questions. The first asks for the passion. What can the school do for you? The second question looks to social skills and asks the student to think about being part of a team. The thirdquestion combines the two previous questions in a plan of action.Goethe is said to have written, “Do it now. There is boldnessand magic in action.” By asking our students to participateactively in their education, instead of just showing up, we ask themto turn school time into a zone of growth and exploration. How can we care more for another person? How can we improve our social skills? What’s more important: Getting good grades or knowing when and how to show gratitude?What Are Our Options? 134
  • 135. Appendix 4A Note to Principals aboutFamily TherapistsI wrote this piece in September 2005 to encourage myprincipal to engage the services of Pat Harris, familytherapists have a place in the classroom and near theschool. When kids are angry or afraid, they aren’tready to learn. I’m not a social worker, I’m a teacher,a presenter and a facilitator. It makes sense to say,“Please give these children what they need so I can getto work making the learning easy for them.”Here is my pitch to principals everywhere: Engage theservices of a family therapist!What can Parents andTeachers to do help kidsmanage anger?By Steve McCreaMiddle school teacherAnger is on the rise. Road rage, violence in schoolsand “going postal” have become part of everyday lifein the USA. Anger management classes are poppingup in offices and other workplaces. Now, angermanagement in the classroom.I’ve worked as a tutor for ten years, working one-on-one with students outside schools. Last year Idecided to move into the classroom and that ashock!
  • 136. I was spending a lot of time developing fabulouslesson plans, but the teaching wasn’t gettingthrough. Why?The big block I found when I began teachingseventh grade was anger, resentment, and negativeattitudes. I was nonplussed. Other teachers toldme, “Hey, if they’re angry at home, they’ll be angryin class. Just live with it. Put the whole class onSaturday Detention if you have to.”Rising tensionsThe level of tension in the school rose to such aheight that my principal was grateful when a familytherapist, Pat Harris, volunteered to come to ourschool to give a free twenty-minute workshop aboutanger management.I’m sure that when she walked in that classroom,she could feel the tension. The principal was even inthere, waiting to hear what Pat was going to say.The result was terrific. For the next two weeks, kidsweren’t so angry. They heard Pat’s message:behind anger is fear. This message helped forabout two weeks and then kids started expressingtheir anger started again, more openly. That’s whenI realized I needed Pat again.We all know that change takes time and that’s whypatients set up weekly meetings with therapists. Ittakes time to make changes. So I wondered, “Howcan I have instant access to a family therapist’sadvice?”When I saw Pat Harris in action, when I heard hervoice, I put myself in the place of my students and I136 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 137. wanted to know, “How can I get Pat whenever Ineed her calming voice?” We’re in this age oftechnology, so why not put a family therapist on theInternet? If Pat is willing, I told myself, let’s putPat’s voice on the web.Free advice onlineShe had to agree to give away her advice on theInternet. As a teacher, I had to agree that havinggreat lessons and a stimulating classroom aren’tenough for students to move ahead. We each had toadmit that we needed each other.Lawyers do pro bono work, so why shouldn’t familytherapists? We all know that teachers go beyondthe call of duty, so these audio letters on theInternet are part of Pat’s way of helping out. As ateacher, I’m lucky to have Pat’s words on demand. Ican download them and VOILA, here are five ofPat’s letters and words on audio CD. That’s 25minutes of Pat Harris on a CD, ready for a parentand child to listen together.Pat makes it clear, these audio letters are not asubstitute for therapy. These audio letters are justone way for parents, teachers and students to starttalking about what’s behind the anger.I plan to use them in my classroom, playing oneletter a week for the first month of school. I’ll askstudents through that week to talk about theirreaction to Pat’s message for that week. Then thestudents carry that CD home and I hope they’lllisten with their parents.Look for the fearThe main message is “Look at what’s behind theanger.” The bully or the kid who doesn’t want to doWhat Are Our Options? 137
  • 138. homework, there’s some fear behind that badattitude.There’s real power behind that observation: behindthe anger is fear. Now I know better how to workwith the anger that kids bring into my classrooms.I used to put kids on internal suspension. I got intotoo many shouting matches. Thanks to these audioletters, as a teacher I have an extra way to help kidsand parents start resolving their issues so that I canstart teaching.For example, one of the letters is a poemcalled “Break the Cycle.” Pat reads itlike a letter. I like this poem because it’s aneutral ground to start the discussion. The speakercan be a parent or a child or even a teacher. A childwho is part of the cycle could be a bully and take outanger and pain on other kids. The speaker could bea teacher who is going to treat these students theway he was mistreated. They all can break thecycle. I feel so lucky to have these tools availablefor parents and students. I feel that schools can bemore than just places for book learning.Pat tells me that she’s delighted that more peoplewill be exposed to these letters and poems. We allhave seen the transformation that takes place whenpeople listen deeply to words that are meaningful tothemselves.Don’t walk awayWe’ve been trained to stay away from angrypeople. When we can look behind the anger, wecan find the fear that makes this person angry.Putting these materials on a web site is just a start.138 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 139. Not everyone can get to the web and not everyonewill hear about this web site. Pat Harris and I wantto offer these letters on a CD. Any money that isleft over goes into giving away more of these CDs. Here’s an activity for any school: Ask students to answer these three questions. 1. What is your purpose for being in this school? Why are you here? 2. How can you help the school this year? How can you be an asset to this school? 3. What can you do to have a successful school year? What is your action plan? Then sit with each student and his/her parents to talk about the answers.As a special bonus, I will include my “Visual andActive Tips For the SAT,” a video for getting ahigher score. I developed this program for my SATstudents and I want to send it at no charge to thefirst ten people who write to me atsteveenglishteacher@hotmail.com or leave amessage with their email address on my cell phone.954.646.8246I hope parents and teachers who read this web sitewill play a part in spreading this message of hope. Ihope people who receive Pat’s audio letters see thevalue in them and make a copy and share theseaudio letters with friends and neighbors.What Are Our Options? 139
  • 140. Appendix 5Bringing More TechnologyInto the Classroom and Intothe HomeHow to Use Technology in theMultiple Intelligenceclassroom to remove fear andprepare students to competewith China and IndiaA workshop with Pat Harris LMFT and SteveMcCrea, SAT TutorBy the end of this 3-hour training, you will have themindset to prepare yourself and your students tofind the right amount of Technology for BringingMultiple Intelligences into the CurriculumThere will be a follow-up visit to your classroom toensure that the practices are implemented in aconstructive way.NOTICEThis is a participatory workshop that requires inputbefore the workshop begins.To be eligible for participation in the workshop,participants must read or listen to the materials andpass a “performance of understanding” beforeentering the workshop.140 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 141. Here’s Our Theory> Most workshops present useful information.> Most workshops do not have enough “follow-up”to ensure that the information is serving theteachers who took the workshops.> “Bringing More Technology” requires participantsto sign a pledge of participation and to putsomething of value in the protection of the principal-- to be held until the participant has completed thesix-step process1. Reading materials before the workshop2. Attendance at the workshop or viewing theworkshop videos3. A post-workshop “performance ofunderstanding”4. A follow-up visit to the teacher’s classroom(s)within one week (or as arranged with the workshoporganizers)5. A second follow-up 30 days later6. A third follow up 90 to 120 days later.Reinforcement: one week, one month, one quarter,also known as 7-30-120Using technology is like learning to ride a bicycleA behavior repeated seven times becomes a skillA skill repeated 21 times becomes a habitA habit repeated for 7 weeks becomes part of yourlife.To prepare for this workshop, visit the followingweb site: ResolveToHeal.com and click on the“Seminar.”What Are Our Options? 141
  • 142. Performance ofUnderstandingA central part of “More Technology” is the conceptof a “performance of understanding. From HowardGardner’s Intelligence Reframed…When it comes to probing a student’s understandingof evolution, the shrewd pedagogue looks beyondthe mastery of dictionary definitions or therecitation of textbook examples. A studentdemonstrates or “performs” his understandingwhen he can examine a range of species found indifferent ecological niches and speculate about thereasons for their particular ensemble of traits. Astudent performs her understanding of theHolocaust when she can compare events in a Naziconcentration camp to such contemporary genocidalevents as those in Bosnia, Kosovo or Rwanda in the1990s. ... When students realize they will have toapply knowledge and demonstrate insights in apublic form, they assume a more active stance to thematerial, seeking to exercise their “performancemuscles” whenever possible. (page 160)Structure of the WorkshopWe will ask questionsDid you see something cool on TV? How are yougoing to show it in your classroom? How can youorganize your classroom and your students to makeyour job more interesting? How will these items(DVDs, audio cassettes, CDs, mp3 files, jpegs, websites) be stored so students can easily findinformation?142 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 143. We will practice with “roleplay”Imagine that you are a student who fears computersImagine you are a teacher who fears computersImagine that you are a student who has a negativeself image about his or her weight and appearance."We are going to videotape all of our classes."Oh, no!Imagine that you are a student who does very wellwith written tests but you are camera shy or you feelthat students who do poorly on tests are being givenunfair compensations?We will experience fear andbreakthroughsThe Project-Centered Curriculum: Imagine thatevery class builds toward completing an electric caror a computerized image of a robot or whatever youdecide with your students.If you teach history, why not ask students toassemble speeches from 25 elections over the pastand then illustrate the key issues in each election... ?Rudolf Steiner asked his teachers to createtextbooks with the students. Why not build a libraryfrom resources found online and off TV?What would you bring into the classroom if costwere no object?How can you bring something similar through theInternet or video? What part of this workshop scares you already?What Are Our Options? 143
  • 144. Lets meet our fears and planaheadWhat are the objections totechnology?Worry 1. Its easier to do things the way we did thembeforeWorry 2. If there is a power outage, no class workcan take placeWorry 3. We dont have enough computers and wehave lots of textbooksWorry 4. Everyone has to learn to do research in abook. You have to learn to read a chapter from startto finish.Worry 5. I have a concern about “appearing stupid.”I don’t want to show students that I don’t knowsomething. I will look stupid and they will loserespect.HERE IS OUR THEME:"Music, soap opera, radio and television are alreadyeducating our students and if we want to compete, we’ve gotto use equally attractive media. A trembling timidschoolteacher reciting Shakespeare can’t compete withLaurence Olivier’s Hamlet, so she should show her studentshis movie as part of the course.” Paul Wagner, 1949,President of Rollins CollegeThere is no “one solution fitting all schools.”There is nothing new here. The results are based oncommon sense and using what we have at hand.This workshop and the follow-up sessions allow youto learn the theories of Learning Styles,Performance of Understanding and “looking at thebig picture,” then apply technology in the way thatworks for you and your classroom.144 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 145. HOMEWORK BEFORE THE SEMINAR Bring to the seminar at least one incident where you felt you or your student was out of control, where anger was driving the situation, not you.Put the item in writing or draw a picture or make a short videoabout the event. Describe the background to the event and howyou handled the situation and what you would have donedifferently.Bring to the seminar at least one suggestion for improving thequality of education in your school. Write your suggestion downor be prepared to make a performance of understanding.We will make workbooks that the participants need to readBEFORE each day’s work. There will be performances ofunderstanding (interviews by the seminar leaders) to make sure theparticipants are ready to enter and begin the seminar.Anyone who doesn’t pass the “performance” must sit outside theclassroom until the item is completed. For example, theperformance can be a one-minute or a two-minute summary ofthe situation that we want them to tell us about. If they arrivewithout doing homework (such as the “situation where I was out ofcontrol and how I handled the situation), they have to sit outsideuntil they have produced the homework.We will videotape the entire seminar… This will be a fabulousexperience and we’ll share highlights of the seminar on DVD andthe web site. Do you feel the goose bumps of innovation?What Are Our Options? 145
  • 146. An End NoteDear Reader,Thank you for going on this journey with me. I haveshared with you tips that work for me and for myclients.You and I have spent time together through reading.There are children who don’t see value in reading, so Iencourage you to volunteer in a local school. Be amentor. Be an example to children who need an adultwho “knows them, looks out for them and pushes themto succeed” (as Bill Gates put it in February 2005).I invite you to write to me with your suggestions. Youcan send your ideas to my colleague Steve, who willrelay your message to me:SteveEnglishTeacher@hotmail.com.A school in St. Louis has the following rules:No put downsActive listeningDo my personal bestTrust each otherTell the truth(NewCitySchool.org)These rules are a good foundation. Many elementaryschools use these rules – so why not use them in highschool and with adults, too?AcknowledgementsThe concept of the “vook” or Visual Book is to providethe reader an audio, visual and linguistic way ofgetting the information. People who absorbinformation by listening will enjoy the audio CD.Visual learners can watch the DVD. The photos spreadthrough the book might not appear to be linked to thetext, but the images will promote positive thinking.146 ResolveToHeal.com
  • 147. Sunrise in Fort Lauderdale Source: TropicDiver.comWe have opportunities.We have mentors.We have options.What Are Our Options? 147
  • 148. ResolveToHeal.comMission: To enhance the growth and developmentof children, adolescents and adultsOur Goal: To reduce the frequency and intensity ofemotional and behavioral problems at home, schooland in communities.At Resolve To Heal, we celebrate the uniqueness ofindividuals and embrace the diversity whichcomplements our individual strengths.In addition to counseling services, we provideconsultation towards optimizing the relationshipbetween corporate staff and management.Patricia A. Harris, LMFT148 ResolveToHeal.com