Adopted baby and mother: Known consequences of separating mother and baby at birth for adoption.
The Adoption Timeline for "Birthmothers"
Immediately after "giving up" (surrendering) a baby for adoption
Many of us have seen glimpses of mothers who have recently surrendered their baby for adoption.
Sometimes the mother is euphoric over the birth of her beautiful son or daughter and tries to focus on
that joyous event and "be brave". She may say at least she managed to save her baby from abortion or
starvation (having been denied any real help to keep her family together). She may do her best to go on
with her life, believing the adoption "professionals" who advised her and her parents that she would
soon get over it and go on with her life. Sometimes the mother has a complete breakdown or turns to
drinking or drugs to try to ease her suffering over this tremendous loss.
Post-adoption and post-adoption "counseling"
The mother may have been told the loss of her child will affect her only briefly around the time of her
child's birthday. She may have been advised that "open" adoption makes it all better. Openness is
supposed to help the child, because he is not completely cut off from his origins. With an "open"
adoption the mother may have some visitation or promises of pictures or letters from the people who
adopted. But with an "open" adoption, the mother may be taken by surprise by the intensity of the pain
and anguish as time goes by and the adopters - the people who profitted from her suffering - grow
increasingly distant or cut her off completely. She may find it heartbreaking to think of the little things
- like brushing teeth or saying prayers - that she cannot share with her child.
Many mothers are unaware of their child's thoughts and feelings about themselves and this unnatural
custody arrangement. This is certainly the case when the mother may simply has no contact with her
child. But when there is contact, it may be that the child does not want to make his mother - either one
of them - feel bad by opening up to them with his true feelings. If her son or daughter does comes to
her for help in a situation where abuse does occur, the mother - unable to do anything about it - may be
Some mothers are "awake" from the start, aware their child may not be "better off" adopted, but forced
by economic circumstances to surrender. Other moms may discover much later that their child was
badly affected by the traumatic separation from his mother at birth and by being raised in an
environment devoid of any true family members. From a mother's perspective, it is horrifying to
discover her child felt "unwanted" by her.
Books on "grieving a pet" are plentiful - yet there are almost no books on grieving the loss of one's son,
daughter or grandchild to adoption. Few counselors in North America are knowledgeable of the intense
delayed suffering "disenfranchised grief" a mother may experience even long after losing her child to
adoption. This makes it difficult to find a good counselor. In addition, counselors may have attended
"Infant Adoption Awareness Training" in which some attendees have been told that mothers who have
problems following the loss of their child to adoption are "few in number and mentally ill". One can
only wonder whether people who are grieving a death or divorce are also too "mentally ill" to be
worthy of compassionate counseling.
Note: There is a large market for newborn babies for adoption in America. Adoption "counselors" in
North America like to refer to expectant parents as "birthparents" or "birthmothers", while calling the
unrelated person hoping to adopt a "parent". The objective of this so-called "respectful adoption
language" is to make the acquisition of healthy newborn babies by infertile people or gay people seem
"normal". The euphemism "adoption" is used to deflect attention from the reality - this is a transfer of
human babies from loving (if naive or pressured) relatives to customers.
The misleading, disrespectful terms "birthmother", "birthfather" and "birthparents" are used on this
website for search engine purposes only. The terms "mother", "father", "single parent", " family
member" and "natural mother" are accurate, respectful, and nonderogatory terms. See "Why
Birthmother Means Breeder" by Diane Turski for more information.
Other misleading, dishonest terms include "biological" child, "genetic" sister, "surrogate" mother, egg
"donor", or sperm "donor". These terms are used to make human beings appear to be unrelated to their
own family members. Why would a "donated" child (or adult adoptee) wish to learn more about - or
contact - her "biological" sister or mother? Why would she say after reunion that it "feels like" her
"biological sister" (or other relative) is her sister (or other relative)? Because true families are created
by nature, not by government edicts or by the adoption or "sale" of babies.