Managing
Anger
Presented By: Tim Ervin, LCPC
Counseling for Solutions, LLC
Arlington Heights, IL. 60005

50 Ways for Anger...
Training Topics
What is really behind anger: Triggers and signs

How the brain works
Cognitive distortions
The cycle o...
Training Topics
The Johari model
Assertive management and setting realistic boundaries

Problem solving techniques
Usi...
Training Topics
Acknowledging psychological contracts
Breathing and deep relaxation techniques

Cognitive restructuring...
Training Topics
Integrated personal development
Humor and energy psychology

When is it healthy to be angry
Glasser’s ...
Anger: What is it?
Anger is a reaction. It’s a pseudo or secondary emotion that comes
to the surface as a result of other ...
Anger: Its Nature & Symptoms
Anger can be unpredictable and -if left untamed- could affect your
quality of work and social...
Anger: Its Nature & Symptoms
• We become angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.
• We are hardly ever angr...
Anger: How the Brain Works
All that any living creature can do is behave
according to internal motivation. All behaviors
a...
How the Brain Works
In our attempt to gain more effective control,
we behave to get the mental picture we want in
our brai...
How the Brain Works
People who are healthy, feel good and adopt a
behavior that is not destructive nor threatening
to them...
Paths of Anger
Anger triggers are common and frequent but how far we get
provoked, affects our peace of mind and life rela...
50 Ways for Anger Management

13
Paths of Anger
OK: represents a neutral state; e.g.; either people who may be meeting
for the first time or who have had a...
The Paths of Anger
Angry: this is when: “something has got to change”. Here
it is advised to cool off and reflect before t...
The Paths of Anger
Enraged: Tempers are flaring. Here a person could be obsessed with anger.
The enraged person is not thi...
The Paths of Anger
Non-resolution: Is a form of inaction, avoidance or submission
Resignation: Someone’s resignation in th...
The Paths of Anger
You Prevail: and I capitulate. You win and I lose, but the problem is still there.

I Prevail: I win an...
84% Strongly
Agree People
should seek help

64% Agree People
are getting Angrier

A Survey
conducted in Great
Britain on A...
Anger Might Lead to..
•Depression or anxiety
•Sleep problems
•Alcohol or drug addictions
•Eating disorders
• Compulsive be...
Physiological
Reaction to Anger

50 Ways for Anger Management

21
The Vicious
Circle of Anger

50 Ways for Anger Management

22
Negative Behaviors Caused by Latent Anger
It is very tough to have many successful relationships with suppressed,
unresolv...
Anger: What’s Really Behind it?
People are not the same in how bad and how
quick they could get angry. There is a genetic
...
The Genetic Factor
People who get angry easily, have low tolerance for frustration and hate
to be subjected to it. Frustra...
Unrealistic Expectations
Another reason why we can get angry is setting an unrealistic standard of
expectation from the ci...
50 Ways for Anger Management

27
Cognitive Distortions
•Mental Filter: when you pay attention to one
negative detail and downplay the whole picture.
•Black...
Cognitive Distortions
•Fortune Telling: being pessimistic about the
future and jumping to conclusions.
•Mind Reading: bein...
Cognitive Distortions
• Disregarding the positives: When you believe
that good experiences don’t count.
• Emotional Reason...
Cognitive Distortions
Labeling: Yourself or stereotyping others, without
considering evidence.

Magnification/minimization...
Cognitive Distortions
•Overgeneralization: making a sweeping negative conclusion about a
situation without any research.
•...
The Cycle of Acceptance
This is the default cycle of anger that takes full
round if you don’t interfere and manage anger.
...
50 Ways for Anger Management

34
Do You Have an Authentic Life?
Lack of congruence between what you think, love, believe in, desire and
your outer world co...
Wrong Procedures to Resolve Anger
Sometimes ignoring the whole situation, or even thinking that remaining
permanently sile...
Guilt

Anger Out

Remorse

Irritation

Suppressed
Anger

Mal Adaptive Cycle of
Anger Management

Resentment

50 Ways for A...
When is Anger a Problem?
Anger becomes a problem when it harms you or people
around you. This can depend on whether you ex...
Isolation,
Physical
Illness,
hostility

Outburst

Genetic
factor

Suppression

Violation of
personal
standards

Violation ...
50 Ways for Anger Management
First you need to watch out for anger riggers and try to
reverse these. If not, you can pract...
1. Learn your Triggers
This is part of understanding yourself: What makes
you really angry?
• When the traffic is jammed?
...
Learn Your Triggers
Becoming aware of what is making you angry can sometimes be enough
to help, because this may make you ...
Be Aware of Anger Signs
But first you must be aware of the signs that warn
you that you are about to get angry, for exampl...
Be Aware of Anger Signs
When you recognize these signs you have the
chance to think about how you want to react to a
situa...
2. Map Where You Are in: The Johari Model
1. What is known by the person about him/herself and is also known
by others - o...
The Johari Model: Map Where You Are
3. What the person knows about him/herself that others do not know
- hidden area, hidd...
Fig 4 The Johari
Window Model

50 Ways for Anger Management

47
The Johari Model
By telling others how we feel and other information
about ourselves we reduce the hidden area, and
increa...
3. Release Your Anger Assertively
To be able to release your anger in a constructive
manner, by having a crystal clear ide...
Assertiveness Management
As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration
in an assertive but non-confrontatio...
Assertiveness Management
Remember that excessive anger and aggressiveness
can get in the way of communicating what you are...
Assertiveness Management
If you are able to express your anger by talking
in an ‘assertive’ tone about what has made you
a...
Assertiveness Management
If you are used to hiding your feelings you might need to practice a
constructive way of expressi...
Tips on Assertiveness Management
Following these tips doesn't mean you will never get
angry, but it should help you expres...
Tips on Assertiveness Management
Breathe steadily – this will help you keep calm.
Be specific and use facts.
Treat the ...
4. Talk Openly and Clearly
Avoid words with vague or multiple meanings.
Avoid mixed messages by synchronizing your
words...
Talk Openly and Clearly
Only 7% of meaning is expressed in spoken words.
38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way the
wor...
5. Listen
Hear people out. Jumping to conclusions will
make people less motivated to justify their
opinion. It creates ten...
Listen
Use effective listening techniques: Restate what
the other person said and ask questions
relevant to the subject ma...
Listen
Types of Listening that are bad for anger management:
•Passive/not listening - noise in background - ignoring
•Pret...
Listen
Types of Listening that are bad for anger management:

•Biased/projective listening - 'selective listening' and int...
Listen
Types of Listening that are healthy for anger management:
Attentive listening - personally-driven fact gathering a...
Listen
Types of Listening that are healthy for anger management:
Empathic listening - understanding and checking facts an...
“Nature arranges it so that we can’t shut our
ears but that we can shut our mouths..”
Unkown

50 Ways for Anger Management...
6. Empathy
Empathy is not an easy treat when someone is
angry, but it can make all the difference in the world.
Considerin...
7. Work on Mutual Trust Bonding
Trust helps us have sensible, adult discussions.
It is about listening and understanding -...
8. Fight Fair
Take into consideration the best interests of the person you are
arguing with. Respect his priorities and se...
9. Enhance Your Problem Solving Skills
 Plan the exact outcomes you want, the time span, the
costs involved, etc.

Highl...
Enhance Your Problem Solving Skills
Involve experts in the field while you plan.
Understand your limitations and be real...
“Believe it is possible to solve your problems.
Tremendous things happen to the believer.
So believe the answer will come....
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Tim Ervin part 1

  1. 1. Managing Anger Presented By: Tim Ervin, LCPC Counseling for Solutions, LLC Arlington Heights, IL. 60005 50 Ways for Anger Management 1
  2. 2. Training Topics What is really behind anger: Triggers and signs How the brain works Cognitive distortions The cycle of acceptance When is anger considered to be a problem and how far could it affect general health? 50 Ways for Anger Management 2
  3. 3. Training Topics The Johari model Assertive management and setting realistic boundaries Problem solving techniques Using clean language Fitting in the transactional analysis mode 50 Ways for Anger Management 3
  4. 4. Training Topics Acknowledging psychological contracts Breathing and deep relaxation techniques Cognitive restructuring techniques The rational emotive theory Emotional freedom techniques 50 Ways for Anger Management 4
  5. 5. Training Topics Integrated personal development Humor and energy psychology When is it healthy to be angry Glasser’s ‘Choice Theory’ Fisher’s process of personal change Self-help script for anger management 50 Ways for Anger Management 5
  6. 6. Anger: What is it? Anger is a reaction. It’s a pseudo or secondary emotion that comes to the surface as a result of other hidden emotions such as fear, pain, lack of respect, lack of appreciation, etc. Anger is an adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful and sometimes aggressive feelings to trigger the “fight or flight” modes. 50 Ways for Anger Management 6
  7. 7. Anger: Its Nature & Symptoms Anger can be unpredictable and -if left untamed- could affect your quality of work and social life. It’s accompanied by physiological and biological changes. The way we are brought up and our cultural background affect the way we express anger. You can be angry about thoughts, people or events. 50 Ways for Anger Management 7
  8. 8. Anger: Its Nature & Symptoms • We become angry when we are stressed and body resources are down. • We are hardly ever angry for the reasons we think. • We often get angry when we see a trait in others which we can't stand in ourselves. • Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas and triggers. 50 Ways for Anger Management 8
  9. 9. Anger: How the Brain Works All that any living creature can do is behave according to internal motivation. All behaviors are ideally purposeful flexible and creative. 50 Ways for Anger Management 9
  10. 10. How the Brain Works In our attempt to gain more effective control, we behave to get the mental picture we want in our brain all the time. No matter how painful or self destructive it appears to be. Every behavior is always our best attempt to get what we want. 50 Ways for Anger Management 10
  11. 11. How the Brain Works People who are healthy, feel good and adopt a behavior that is not destructive nor threatening to themselves or others. They are generally in effective control of their lives. 50 Ways for Anger Management 11
  12. 12. Paths of Anger Anger triggers are common and frequent but how far we get provoked, affects our peace of mind and life relationships. The map below will help you 1) decide where you are now, 2) decide where you want to go, 3) choose the best path to get there and 4) go down the chosen path. 50 Ways for Anger Management 12
  13. 13. 50 Ways for Anger Management 13
  14. 14. Paths of Anger OK: represents a neutral state; e.g.; either people who may be meeting for the first time or who have had animosity in the past but have now resolved their problems. Insult: somewhere between frustrated, annoyed, and enraged. This is when someone has an almost uncontrollable urge to lash out and act now. 50 Ways for Anger Management 14
  15. 15. The Paths of Anger Angry: this is when: “something has got to change”. Here it is advised to cool off and reflect before thinking about the action that needs to be taken. The yellow color indicates the need for caution in choosing the next path. Retaliation: A form of destructive “anger display” where raised voices, yelling, threatening, insulting, and even physical actions such as clenched or raised fists are used in an attempt to intimidate or coerce someone. 50 Ways for Anger Management 15
  16. 16. The Paths of Anger Enraged: Tempers are flaring. Here a person could be obsessed with anger. The enraged person is not thinking clearly and is considering revenge. The orange color represents moderate to high danger levels. De-escalation: To walk away, calm down, or apologize. Overtly Violent: Ranging in intensity from a tantrum, to disrespectful or obscene gestures and verbal abuse. The red color represents high to extreme danger levels. 50 Ways for Anger Management 16
  17. 17. The Paths of Anger Non-resolution: Is a form of inaction, avoidance or submission Resignation: Someone’s resignation in the face of unresolved anger may not be OK. Take steps toward a reconciliation. Dominance Contest: This is also know as the “show down” or “stand off”, like a public test for fighting ability. The orange color represents moderate to high danger levels. 50 Ways for Anger Management 17
  18. 18. The Paths of Anger You Prevail: and I capitulate. You win and I lose, but the problem is still there. I Prevail: I win and you lose, but the problem is not resolved. Covertly-Violent: “Who me? I didn't do a thing”. Such inaction by some very angry and insincere people who work hard at appearing polite and civilized. The red color represents high to extreme danger levels. Reconciliation: Get rid of the burden and resolve anger. 50 Ways for Anger Management 18
  19. 19. 84% Strongly Agree People should seek help 64% Agree People are getting Angrier A Survey conducted in Great Britain on Anger 28% Worry About their Anger 20% of Relationships ended 50 Ways for Anger Management 19
  20. 20. Anger Might Lead to.. •Depression or anxiety •Sleep problems •Alcohol or drug addictions •Eating disorders • Compulsive behavior e.g. excessive cleaning, overworking • Self-harm •Increased heart beat •High blood pressure •Increased respiration •Headache •Digestion problems – contributing to the development of heartburn, ulcers, colitis, gastritis or irritable bowel syndrome 50 Ways for Anger Management 20
  21. 21. Physiological Reaction to Anger 50 Ways for Anger Management 21
  22. 22. The Vicious Circle of Anger 50 Ways for Anger Management 22
  23. 23. Negative Behaviors Caused by Latent Anger It is very tough to have many successful relationships with suppressed, unresolved anger inside, because anger results in behaviors such as: • Being mean to people indirectly, without telling them why • Acting in a cynical and hostile manner • Constantly putting others down, criticizing everything 50 Ways for Anger Management 23
  24. 24. Anger: What’s Really Behind it? People are not the same in how bad and how quick they could get angry. There is a genetic factor which make some people more “hot – headed” and get angry more easily than others. 50 Ways for Anger Management 24
  25. 25. The Genetic Factor People who get angry easily, have low tolerance for frustration and hate to be subjected to it. Frustration is a violation to the personal standards they are willing to accept. They hate to be corrected, even for minor mistakes. Some research has proven a gene called “The warrior gene” to play an important role in hot-tempered people. 50 Ways for Anger Management 25
  26. 26. Unrealistic Expectations Another reason why we can get angry is setting an unrealistic standard of expectation from the circumstances or people around us. For example, expecting another person to read your mind or exactly understand your feelings, expecting the traffic to always be smooth, expecting your boss to have a solution to all your problems, or even hoping your spouse would always be ready to help...! 50 Ways for Anger Management 26
  27. 27. 50 Ways for Anger Management 27
  28. 28. Cognitive Distortions •Mental Filter: when you pay attention to one negative detail and downplay the whole picture. •Black or white thinking: viewing a situation in one of two categories (yes/no)instead of ranking it. 50 Ways for Anger Management 28
  29. 29. Cognitive Distortions •Fortune Telling: being pessimistic about the future and jumping to conclusions. •Mind Reading: being sure about what others are thinking without considering other possibilities. 50 Ways for Anger Management 29
  30. 30. Cognitive Distortions • Disregarding the positives: When you believe that good experiences don’t count. • Emotional Reasoning: relying on feelings to come up with conclusions and downplaying facts or investigations. 50 Ways for Anger Management 30
  31. 31. Cognitive Distortions Labeling: Yourself or stereotyping others, without considering evidence. Magnification/minimization: unreasonably magnifying the negative or minimizing positive aspects. 50 Ways for Anger Management 31
  32. 32. Cognitive Distortions •Overgeneralization: making a sweeping negative conclusion about a situation without any research. •Personalization: Thinking others are behaving negatively because of you. •Should/Must Statements: When you are not flexible or open to compromise with the behavior of others. 50 Ways for Anger Management 32
  33. 33. The Cycle of Acceptance This is the default cycle of anger that takes full round if you don’t interfere and manage anger. It could waste much time and put work and family relationships at stake if not controlled. 50 Ways for Anger Management 33
  34. 34. 50 Ways for Anger Management 34
  35. 35. Do You Have an Authentic Life? Lack of congruence between what you think, love, believe in, desire and your outer world could cause great unease sometimes channeled through anger. If you are stuck in this square you need to ask yourself the hard questions about whether you are really living your authentic and real life? ( A good reference would be Susan Piver’s ‘100 Hard Questions’). 50 Ways for Anger Management 35
  36. 36. Wrong Procedures to Resolve Anger Sometimes ignoring the whole situation, or even thinking that remaining permanently silent makes you think your anger will drain away. Not true. Problem solving, understanding root causes of anger, challenges given under the situation, personality types and expectations of the people your are angry with, will help you take the right turn to boil things down, as we shall see in the following slides. 50 Ways for Anger Management 36
  37. 37. Guilt Anger Out Remorse Irritation Suppressed Anger Mal Adaptive Cycle of Anger Management Resentment 50 Ways for Anger Management 37
  38. 38. When is Anger a Problem? Anger becomes a problem when it harms you or people around you. This can depend on whether you express your anger and how you express it. When you don’t express your anger, or release it during inappropriate times or in unsafe ways, this is when it can damage your health and your relationships. 50 Ways for Anger Management 38
  39. 39. Isolation, Physical Illness, hostility Outburst Genetic factor Suppression Violation of personal standards Violation of Personal Standards Fig 2 Example for unmanaged Anger: Unresolved suppression can lead to negative behaviors and health hazards. Fig 3 Example for unmanaged Anger: The intensity of Outburst varies depending on the genetic factor. 50 Ways for Anger Management 39
  40. 40. 50 Ways for Anger Management First you need to watch out for anger riggers and try to reverse these. If not, you can practice any of the channels that will follow that help in effective coping with anger, including:  Expressing it in an assertive way  Suppressing and recreating it  Preventing it from surging 50 Ways for Anger Management 40
  41. 41. 1. Learn your Triggers This is part of understanding yourself: What makes you really angry? • When the traffic is jammed? • When you are misunderstood? • When you are criticized? 50 Ways for Anger Management 41
  42. 42. Learn Your Triggers Becoming aware of what is making you angry can sometimes be enough to help, because this may make you feel that it’s something you can control or pin down and operate on for yourself. However, if you are finding it difficult to recognize your triggers, you may want to try talking to someone who is trained to help you understand your feelings and the reasons for them. 50 Ways for Anger Management 42
  43. 43. Be Aware of Anger Signs But first you must be aware of the signs that warn you that you are about to get angry, for example: Irritation, frustration, negative thinking, hostility, depletion of energy, your heart is beating faster, you are breathing more quickly, your body is becoming tense, your feet are tapping, clenching your fists, ...what? 50 Ways for Anger Management 43
  44. 44. Be Aware of Anger Signs When you recognize these signs you have the chance to think about how you want to react to a situation before doing anything. This can be very difficult if you feel angry, but it is possible to train yourself to pause and think about your course of action before expressing your feelings. 50 Ways for Anger Management 44
  45. 45. 2. Map Where You Are in: The Johari Model 1. What is known by the person about him/herself and is also known by others - open area, open self, free area, free self, or 'the arena' 2. What is unknown by the person about him/herself but which others know - blind area, blind self or 'blindspot‘. 50 Ways for Anger Management 45
  46. 46. The Johari Model: Map Where You Are 3. What the person knows about him/herself that others do not know - hidden area, hidden self, avoided area, avoided self or 'facade' 4. What is unknown by the person about him/herself and is also unknown by others - unknown area or unknown self 50 Ways for Anger Management 46
  47. 47. Fig 4 The Johari Window Model 50 Ways for Anger Management 47
  48. 48. The Johari Model By telling others how we feel and other information about ourselves we reduce the hidden area, and increase the open area, which enables better understanding and lesser friction. Reducing hidden areas assists in managing or preventing intensified anger from you and the people you communicate with. 50 Ways for Anger Management 48
  49. 49. 3. Release Your Anger Assertively To be able to release your anger in a constructive manner, by having a crystal clear idea what your problems and needs are and what you expect the other party to do to help you resolve the matter. You need not be directive, needy nor pushy. You need to respect yourself and not hurt the feelings of the people/person you are confronting. 50 Ways for Anger Management 49
  50. 50. Assertiveness Management As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them by using “I” statements rather than “You” statements. For example, say, "I'm upset that you refused to offer to help with..." instead of: “You are never being helpful ". 50 Ways for Anger Management 50
  51. 51. Assertiveness Management Remember that excessive anger and aggressiveness can get in the way of communicating what you are angry about. People stop listening to you and focus on your anger instead. 50 Ways for Anger Management 51
  52. 52. Assertiveness Management If you are able to express your anger by talking in an ‘assertive’ tone about what has made you angry, this will produce better results for you. Being assertive doesn’t mean hurting others, it means standing up for yourself, while still respecting other people and their opinions. 50 Ways for Anger Management 52
  53. 53. Assertiveness Management If you are used to hiding your feelings you might need to practice a constructive way of expressing your anger. This is because talking about your anger assertively makes communication easier, prevents tense situations getting out of control, anchors mutual trust in your relationships, boosts self-esteem, helps keep you physically and mentally well. 50 Ways for Anger Management 53
  54. 54. Tips on Assertiveness Management Following these tips doesn't mean you will never get angry, but it should help you express your anger in a constructive manner and feel in control of yourself: Pause. Think ahead and ask yourself :Do you just need to explain what you are angry about or do you want to change something and to resolve the problem? 50 Ways for Anger Management 54
  55. 55. Tips on Assertiveness Management Breathe steadily – this will help you keep calm. Be specific and use facts. Treat the other person with courtesy. Try to spot it if the conversation takes a wrong direction and anger intensifies. Take a time out and come back another time. 50 Ways for Anger Management 55
  56. 56. 4. Talk Openly and Clearly Avoid words with vague or multiple meanings. Avoid mixed messages by synchronizing your words with your body language Maintain eye contact Try to support your opinion with facts 50 Ways for Anger Management 56
  57. 57. Talk Openly and Clearly Only 7% of meaning is expressed in spoken words. 38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way the words are said). 55% is communicated through facial expression. 50 Ways for Anger Management 57
  58. 58. 5. Listen Hear people out. Jumping to conclusions will make people less motivated to justify their opinion. It creates tension. Don’t get defensive when being criticized, try to read what’s underlying the words. 50 Ways for Anger Management 58
  59. 59. Listen Use effective listening techniques: Restate what the other person said and ask questions relevant to the subject matter to make sure you are keeping track with how the other person envisions the problem and if he’s ready to give a hand. 50 Ways for Anger Management 59
  60. 60. Listen Types of Listening that are bad for anger management: •Passive/not listening - noise in background - ignoring •Pretend listening - also called 'responsive listening' - using stock nods and smiles and ‘uhum’, yes, of course, etc. 50 Ways for Anger Management 60
  61. 61. Listen Types of Listening that are bad for anger management: •Biased/projective listening - 'selective listening' and intentionally disregarding/dismissing the other person's views •Misunderstood listening - unconsciously overlaying your own interpretations and making things fit when they don't 50 Ways for Anger Management 61
  62. 62. Listen Types of Listening that are healthy for anger management: Attentive listening - personally-driven fact gathering and analysis often without manipulation of the other person. Active listening - understanding feelings and gathering facts for unselfish purposes. 50 Ways for Anger Management 62
  63. 63. Listen Types of Listening that are healthy for anger management: Empathic listening - understanding and checking facts and feelings, usually with a listener's perspective. Facilitative listening - listening, understanding fully, and helping, with the other person's needs uppermost. 50 Ways for Anger Management 63
  64. 64. “Nature arranges it so that we can’t shut our ears but that we can shut our mouths..” Unkown 50 Ways for Anger Management 64
  65. 65. 6. Empathy Empathy is not an easy treat when someone is angry, but it can make all the difference in the world. Considering the condition of the other person in the middle of a heated argument is tough, but with practice it can become second nature. 50 Ways for Anger Management 65
  66. 66. 7. Work on Mutual Trust Bonding Trust helps us have sensible, adult discussions. It is about listening and understanding - not necessarily agreeing (which is different) - to the other person. But Listening without judging. 50 Ways for Anger Management 66
  67. 67. 8. Fight Fair Take into consideration the best interests of the person you are arguing with. Respect his priorities and seek a win-win resolution so the problem wouldn’t pop up again and again. 50 Ways for Anger Management 67
  68. 68. 9. Enhance Your Problem Solving Skills  Plan the exact outcomes you want, the time span, the costs involved, etc. Highlight the people who will help you in your plans and make a good faith effort to network with them. . 50 Ways for Anger Management 68
  69. 69. Enhance Your Problem Solving Skills Involve experts in the field while you plan. Understand your limitations and be realistic. Research how you will make up for these limitations. Avoid the “all or nothing” mentality. Problem solving-like any learning process-is time consuming. Work hard on generating alternatives and contingencies. 50 Ways for Anger Management 69
  70. 70. “Believe it is possible to solve your problems. Tremendous things happen to the believer. So believe the answer will come. It will.” Norman Vincent Peale American Author 50 Ways for Anger Management 70

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