The Academic Hummingbird
…with the exception of undergraduates with a due date, Academic Hummingbirds have the highest intellectual metabolism of all academic
species, a necessity in order to support the rapid typing of their articles. They also consume more than their own word count in original
content each day. To do so they must visit hundreds of websites, dozens of journal articles, numerous book chapters and a seriously large
amount of Facebook Bejewelled time each and every day. The Academic Hummingbird is continuously only moments away from distrac-
tion and minutes away from being bored. They are able to store just enough entertainment to survive overnight (if/when they sleep).
Evolutionary adaption has allowed the Academic Hummingbird to slow down their metabolism during times of lean interestingness such as
tutorials, seminars and sta meetings. During such event, they enter a form of hibernation with their heart rate slowing, rate of breathing are
decreasing rapidly, and their typing rate declining to roughly 50–80 words per minute. This is believed to reduce their need for thought to a
minimum survival level, although sub species of the Academic Hummingbirds may survive by note taking (Secretarius Committius), grading
papers during sta presentations (Assessmentium Professori) or jotting notes for conference papers (Deadlinus Abstractus)…