1. An easy way to tell if you’re a social media expert.
2. Read through these slides. They are presented in no
particular order. If any of them apply to you, youʼre a
social media idiot.
3. Every single Tweet is also a Facebook status update.
Do you really think your Facebook friends understand your Twitter conversations?
Seriously. Youʼre annoying enough on Twitter. Donʼt let your friends on Facebook see
how big of an idiot you are. Stop the madness.
4. You tweet every (or almost every) article that Mashable
and TechCrunch publish.
The people (including myself) who are interested enough to read those articles already
subscribe to them via Twitter, Facebook, RSS etc. You posting them just becomes
irritating. I swear every time a new article comes from one of these websites I get it from
about 100 people. Hereʼs a tip: The next time you have the urge to Tweet an article
punch yourself in the face instead. Thatʼs the only way youʼll quit being an idiot.
5. You actually call yourself a social media expert.
Where do I start on this one? Itʼs time to face reality. The only thing youʼre an expert on
is trying to dupe people with this bogus crap. Throw away your computer. Ditch your
Blackberry or iPhone. Back to the typewriter for you. Youʼre no longer welcome online.
On a more positive note....youʼve just been elected mayor of Idiot City.
6. You sell a service that guarantees more followers
Iʼve had it with this crap. Youʼre pissing me off. Hereʼs how your product works: “If you
want more followers, follow people and theyʼll follow you back”. Yep, thatʼs worth
$29.99. Youʼre worse than an idiot. Youʼre a waste of bandwidth. You deserve to be
beaten to death with a Commodore 64.
7. Youʼre an @followfriday junkie.
This is truly the dumbest thing in the world. “Be friends with my friends! Yay!”. Youʼre
all idiots. If I want to follow someone, I will. I donʼt need people ﬁlling up Tweets with
names. Itʼs stupid. Stop it.
8. You think social media started in the last couple of years
with Twitter, Facebook etc.
It didnʼt. Many people were using email groups and forums to connect with their
customers in the 90ʼs. They didnʼt brag about it and call themselves experts. Instead,
they connected with their customers, provided great support and made lots of money.
Trust me, “reputation management” didnʼt start with Zappos and Comcast. You mean
Dell made a million dollars with Twitter? Big deal. I know a ton of companies that made
more than that. BTW, youʼre an idiot.
9. You RT everything.
While itʼs ﬂattering to get a RT every now and then, it gets irritating when the same
people do it nonstop. All youʼre doing is kissing ass. Seriously, is your goal to get some
popular social media person to say, “thanks for the RT”? Or are you just trying to look
cool because youʼre delusional enough to think that when people see the RT that theyʼll
believe that youʼre friends with the person who sent the original tweet? Either way,
youʼre pathetic and an idiot. Itʼs time you considered some sort of social media suicide.
10. You post about everything going on in your life.
Youʼre the worst. Stop it. You obviously have no real friends. If you did, you wouldnʼt be
grabbing your phone every 10 seconds and sending out updates. Let me clue you in on
something: nobody cares. Itʼs true. You might get a “like” or a comment every now and
then about an update, but your friends are really making fun of you behind your back. If
you werenʼt such an idiot, you would have realized this instead of sending out that last
update about the type of shampoo you bought at the grocery.
11. Donʼt show cleavage when you video blog.
Unless youʼre doing porn, donʼt show cleavage when you do video blogs. If I want to
watch your blog, Iʼm doing it for the content, not so that I can see your boobs. I see
women in their 40ʼs who are doing this and they look like cheap hookers. They position
the camera above them so that the camera angle shows maximum cleavage. Itʼs more
than obvious that they are single because if they had a guy thereʼs no way heʼd allow
them to video this way. Bottom line: Wear a shirt that covers the twins, quit acting like
an idiot, and say something worthwhile.
12. Youʼre against sponsored tweets.
Letʼs cut through the crap on this one. You send out sponsored tweets all of the time.
Unless you can prove to me that youʼve never beneﬁted at all from Twitter, then youʼve
sent them. Ever promoted your business with a Tweet? Sent out a tweet about a client?
Sold something from a Tweet? Of course you have. Youʼre an idiot and a hypocrite. I
hope you get a social media STD. You deserve it.
13. You follow thousands and thousands of people on Twitter.
You think this is cool and a badge of honor. It somehow makes you feel like youʼre
monitoring everything thatʼs happening on Twitter. We both know that thereʼs no way
that you can make sense of all of those messages. Itʼs time to delete some of the
people youʼre following. Only follow people that share common interests. By doing so,
youʼll enjoy Twitter. And youʼre an idiot because you had to read this to ﬁgure it out.
14. Iʼve started a Twitter account just for you idiots.