Every single Tweet is also
a Facebook status update. Do you really think your Facebook friends understand your Twitter conversations? Seriously. Youʼre annoying enough on Twitter. Donʼt let your friends on Facebook see how big of an idiot you are. Stop the madness.
You tweet every (or almost
every) article that Mashable and TechCrunch publish. The people (including myself) who are interested enough to read those articles already subscribe to them via Twitter, Facebook, RSS etc. You posting them just becomes irritating. I swear every time a new article comes from one of these websites I get it from about 100 people. Hereʼs a tip: The next time you have the urge to Tweet an article punch yourself in the face instead. Thatʼs the only way youʼll quit being an idiot.
You actually call yourself a
social media expert. Where do I start on this one? Itʼs time to face reality. The only thing youʼre an expert on is trying to dupe people with this bogus crap. Throw away your computer. Ditch your Blackberry or iPhone. Back to the typewriter for you. Youʼre no longer welcome online. On a more positive note....youʼve just been elected mayor of Idiot City.
You sell a service that
guarantees more followers on Twitter. Iʼve had it with this crap. Youʼre pissing me off. Hereʼs how your product works: “If you want more followers, follow people and theyʼll follow you back”. Yep, thatʼs worth $29.99. Youʼre worse than an idiot. Youʼre a waste of bandwidth. You deserve to be beaten to death with a Commodore 64.
Youʼre an @followfriday junkie. This
is truly the dumbest thing in the world. “Be friends with my friends! Yay!”. Youʼre all idiots. If I want to follow someone, I will. I donʼt need people ﬁlling up Tweets with names. Itʼs stupid. Stop it.
You think social media started
in the last couple of years with Twitter, Facebook etc. It didnʼt. Many people were using email groups and forums to connect with their customers in the 90ʼs. They didnʼt brag about it and call themselves experts. Instead, they connected with their customers, provided great support and made lots of money. Trust me, “reputation management” didnʼt start with Zappos and Comcast. You mean Dell made a million dollars with Twitter? Big deal. I know a ton of companies that made more than that. BTW, youʼre an idiot.
You RT everything. While itʼs
ﬂattering to get a RT every now and then, it gets irritating when the same people do it nonstop. All youʼre doing is kissing ass. Seriously, is your goal to get some popular social media person to say, “thanks for the RT”? Or are you just trying to look cool because youʼre delusional enough to think that when people see the RT that theyʼll believe that youʼre friends with the person who sent the original tweet? Either way, youʼre pathetic and an idiot. Itʼs time you considered some sort of social media suicide. Peace out.
You post about everything going
on in your life. Youʼre the worst. Stop it. You obviously have no real friends. If you did, you wouldnʼt be grabbing your phone every 10 seconds and sending out updates. Let me clue you in on something: nobody cares. Itʼs true. You might get a “like” or a comment every now and then about an update, but your friends are really making fun of you behind your back. If you werenʼt such an idiot, you would have realized this instead of sending out that last update about the type of shampoo you bought at the grocery.
Donʼt show cleavage when you
video blog. Unless youʼre doing porn, donʼt show cleavage when you do video blogs. If I want to watch your blog, Iʼm doing it for the content, not so that I can see your boobs. I see women in their 40ʼs who are doing this and they look like cheap hookers. They position the camera above them so that the camera angle shows maximum cleavage. Itʼs more than obvious that they are single because if they had a guy thereʼs no way heʼd allow them to video this way. Bottom line: Wear a shirt that covers the twins, quit acting like an idiot, and say something worthwhile.
Youʼre against sponsored tweets. Letʼs
cut through the crap on this one. You send out sponsored tweets all of the time. Unless you can prove to me that youʼve never beneﬁted at all from Twitter, then youʼve sent them. Ever promoted your business with a Tweet? Sent out a tweet about a client? Sold something from a Tweet? Of course you have. Youʼre an idiot and a hypocrite. I hope you get a social media STD. You deserve it.
You follow thousands and thousands
of people on Twitter. You think this is cool and a badge of honor. It somehow makes you feel like youʼre monitoring everything thatʼs happening on Twitter. We both know that thereʼs no way that you can make sense of all of those messages. Itʼs time to delete some of the people youʼre following. Only follow people that share common interests. By doing so, youʼll enjoy Twitter. And youʼre an idiot because you had to read this to ﬁgure it out.